Who Has More Luck Online – Men or Women?

Don’t act like the ‘chubby’ girls or the ‘older’ girls get NO action online. Do some homework: ask all of your chubby and older girlfriends how many emails they get online. I bet it’s a good amount. – Dark Sarcasm


Um, I’m 43 years old. I’m in good shape, but I’m definitely not slender. When I was actively using OK Cupid for dating purposes, I’d post a profile and get about 50 emails in the first 3-5 days. That would drop off to 25 by week two. 10 or so by week 3. And then once I hit the one month mark I’d get maybe 3 emails a week for a couple weeks, even when I’d update my profile.

Of those emails, at least 40% of them were from men that were 10+ years above or below my age range.

Then there was the 10% that were from the guys from Amsterdam or London asking me how the weather was over here.

Another 20% were from the guys who opened with, “Hey beautiful/sexy/love those lips” or some other socially inept comment.

The next 20% of emails came from men who were time wasters, put me on the back burner, sidelined me or otherwise emotionally maladjusted.

Finally, there were 10% of men that I actually went out with. Of the 8 or so guys I went out with in the past year, 3 have turned in to something that lasted 2-5 months or are currently ongoing. Of those 3, 2 emailed me first. I emailed one. (That one lasted about 5 months or so.) In the past 7 months I’ve gone out with all of 3 guys from that site, two of which led to something ongoing but certainly did not/have not reached anything that would merit the  “omigod BOYFRIEND!” status. I focused only on the guys that I was genuinely excited to meet. Anybody that seemed like too much work, ambivalent, had too many options, etc were discarded. Why put myself through that? So I could say I had a date?

Please enlighten me as to how this myth that women get more messages started. Because that was not my experience. Maybe the women who are inordinately beautiful or the ones in their twenties get barraged with emails. But I certainly didn’t.

Having done a number of profile reviews for men in the last couple of weeks, I’ll say this. Many of these men all went for the “hot” woman. The woman who looked good but whose profile was so abysmally awful- COMPLETE WITH OBVIOUSLY OLD PHOTOS –  that it was clear all these guys cared about was dating someone “hot.” I had no problem alerting some of these men to the fact that they were average looking guys competing with all the other average looking guys. (FYI? The “hot” guys are not emailing those women. They’re too busy dating your female counterpart – the average woman who wants the “hot” guy.) I absolutely agree with Offensive Dan when he says people write obnoxious profiles with all kinds of disclaimers and shit tests HOPING to attract some dolt desperate enough to tolerate their self-important BS. Eventually they grow bored with those men and women and start all over. You’re not exactly missing out on your great true love if they don’t reply.

One guy showed me a woman’s profile and she was absolutely stunning. But to him, she was “a seven.” So maybe that, too, is part of the problem. You guys have such out of whack expectations that you think you’re emailing the average women when you’re not. I don’t know. What I do know is that you don’t appear to be having any luck. So something isn’t working.

If you guys out there complaining about how difficult and delusional women are are swinging for the fences all the time, then that explains why you’re not having much luck. Nobody who does that has much luck.

I find this constant complaint that women get sooo many more emails than men overwrought and baseless. You don’t know that. Or you’re basing that on the women that you meet, which are probably the women being contacted by everybody and using those sites for attention and free meals. In which case, you probably have really bad taste in women.

I don’t think the problem is that the women are all high maintenance. I think part of the problem is that you guys who often complain go for the “hot” woman because she’s attractive, not really understanding that you have no shot in the first place.

Like someone recently said, just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean you have to meet them. Isn’t it possible that that that is your problem? That you’re all going out with women out of your league because they’re attractive, ignoring all the red flags in their profile?

Or maybe you’re just denying what your true audience is?

Or maybe you’re just not that attractive or bring much to the table?

Finally, why care so much about all those people who won’t give you a  chance? If you think they’re so difficult and shallow, then why even care? That makes no sense.



Do you feel like online dating has become a second career? Tired of weeding through bad profiles or going on not so great dates? If you’re trying to stop getting messages from people who don’t interest you and want to get more replies from the ones who do, I can help you! I’ll review your ad and tell you if there are any red flags or hurdles you might have in the profile that prevent people from responding to you.
ALSO INCLUDED – Reviews of up to 3 profiles of potential dates, people you have emailed/want to email or have gone out with to see if there are any red flags or if the person is being disingenuous. If there are red flags, I’ll find them!



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118 Responses to “Who Has More Luck Online – Men or Women?”

  1. Jack Says:

    “Please enlighten me as to how this myth that women get more messages started.”

    Maybe it’s because while you got 50 emails in your first 3-5 days, most guys don’t get 1 in that period. It’s not even close….Women get way more emails than men. I am a 30 year old man…Women find me attractive…and yet I receive probably one email every 2 months online. That’s just the way it goes. It’s no myth.

    I am sure women get contacted by some very poor quality guys (which is the reason for the frustration), but when it comes to sheer numbers, women get the emails.

    • myself Says:

      Yeah, we may get more emails in that period of time, but maybe one is worth looking at the others are guys just wasting time. I’d rather get 1 from a decent dude then 20 from a bunch of numbskulls looking for the next notch on their belt.

      • Jack Says:

        Well, we can’t all have what we want, can we? I’d like to wake up and have 20 emails from hot, intelligent women who look like Jessica Alba waiting in my inbox. We don’t even GET emails. You guys do. If you are looking to get in touch with a decent dude, run a filter, browse profiles, and CONTACT THEM YOURSELF.

        • myself Says:

          We’re not all looking for hot & intelligent…..I’ll forgo the hot for intelligent and not a douche thanks…I know what I can reasonably pull in terms of men, and your comment just underlines the divide. Quality over quantity I say (and hence why real life is so much more appealing over online).

          And I’m not in NYC fyi…so the completely superficial garbage that goes on in the dating world there in terms of looks,.money, job, location don’t apply (sorry, but it is superficial).

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Uh no. Sorry to nitpick but superficial doesn’t mean what you think it means.

            New Yorkers are collectively the most driven, ambitious, intelligent, sophisticated, culturally diverse people in the world. These are not superficial qualities – they are actual traits of character. If you want superficial, look to los angeles or south florida to name a few places where it really matters how tall and good looking you are.

            What you mean to say is that New Yorkers have very high expectations about dating but that’s because quality people actually abound here, not because we’re “too picky.”

            You do not have to have model looks to succeed in NYC dating scene.

          • Jack Says:

            If you know what you can pull, then contact them. And there’s no point complaining about the quality of emails you get. Women get a bunch of crap emails, guys get no emails, it’s the name of the game.

            And you definitely have it wrong with NYC and people being superficial.

            • myself Says:

              To Jack: Except I wasn’t complaining. Some guy was. That women get so many emails. Yeah I can see why men would want all those emails, ego boost and otherwise, fine, whatever floats your boat, but if none of them are worth your time, then what exactly is the worth of getting all those emails? I’m not having trouble in this area anyway, I’m just relating my experiences.

              To DMN, I’m from a completely different country, and I’m not getting into my thoughts on the superficiality of what is termed “The American Dream”: and all that comes along with it, I’ll just quote an ex boyfriend of mine, a hockey player returned from years playing in the US (which I guess gives you an idea of my location) “OH MY GOD, I have never been so glad to see so many real boobs in my life”. And there you have it.

              From the outside looking in, the lifestyle can see pretty damned superficial. Guess it’s just my location.

              • L Says:

                No, you’re right. Ever hear of the expression “Can’t see the forest from the trees”? Someday, maybe the people here will see it, but not anytime soon.

              • nathan Says:

                “Yeah I can see why men would want all those emails, ego boost and otherwise, fine, whatever floats your boat, but if none of them are worth your time, then what exactly is the worth of getting all those emails?”

                Right. Quantity really doesn’t mean much when it comes to online dating. I had periods when doing online dating when I got a fair number of e-mails. But half were spammers and scammers, and another 25 percent were women who just looked at my picture and sent a “hi” message. And of those, it was rare that I had much in common with them.

                It seems to me that some of the guys here are reacting to the numbers Moxie got, instead of considering how many of those responses were ones that she actually might be interested in. Sure, she could have given a few of those older guys a chance, or a few of those guys who said something “socially inept” a chance. But it’s not like she had endless quality choices coming at her.

      • M Says:

        One other point I’d like to add to Jack’s comment, we may be only getting one email every other month, but that speaks nothing as to the quality of that person. In my experience, that person emailing me is usually either a) clearly not in the same league as myself or b) very far away (over 100 miles; often 1-2 states away). So dont think your lack of quality emails equates to our total number of emails, because when you compare apples to apples, you still come out way ahead.

    • Lucy Says:

      I think it depends on other factors such as how many profiles are in your area. Then if you put in certain lines which show that you have your wits about you, you can veto out a lot of the men who want to take advantage. I made my profile original which appeals to some people more than others. There is nothing wrong with people not going for me of course since we all have different tastes. Appealing to the lowest common denominator will contribute to a greater chance of success but are you getting messages from people you’re actually interested in?

      Further, there are many ‘orbiters’ online, people who check in to look at their profiles and their options but are very non-committal when it comes to translating that interest into action. Others hold out for that perfect person and keep trying to find something better. It’s not difficult to fall into that trap.

    • Jenn Says:

      Moxie’s point was that yes, women initially get more emails than men BUT, they don’t keep getting tons of them. Over time, the emails drop off to the point that there are maybe 5-15 per week, often across multiple sites. Of those, I’d say at least half are time wasters, a quarter are guys looking for sex, and the remaining quarter are guys who are so woefully inappropriate as matches that I’d laugh if I were not so frustrated. I don’t email men because I am a traditional woman. I want guys to approach me first, even online. I put my ad up there and did my best to portray myself as the cute, fun, interesting woman I am. If that’s not enough to inspire guys to write, then maybe they need to adjust their expectations a bit. No woman who goes online gets hundreds of emails consistently. Sure, the best looking women do get bombarded at first (and no, I’m not including myself in that category). But there is a myth that they can keep up that initial flow of emails over time. In most cases, they don’t.

  2. JTL Says:

    I agree with Jack. 50 emails is a HUGE number. And in just a few days? Work it, girl.

    I’ve been doing OK Cupid since last summer. I’m 24 (23 when I started), good looking, fit. I’ve messaged about 200 women. I’ve gotten about 15 responses in all that time. Several women have sent me the first message–all within a few weeks of me signing up last year. I do get lots of visits.

    My one main disadvantage is that I’m short–5’5″ to 5’6″. But otherwise, I’m pretty attractive, mature, intelligent, write well (obviously). I’ve messaged women of a variety of levels of physical attractiveness. I’m not one of these idiots who only goes after the tens. Also different body types. If you think my age is an issue, 95% of the women have been in their 20s, some 18 or 19.

    I’ve experimented with my profile. I’ve tried more genuine/ earnest, more funny/ sarcastic, a mix, long, short, etc. When I message a girl I usually reference something in her profile, keep it brief and light, NEVER refer to her looks. And I don’t message women who put me out of their age range or women who don’t live nearby. I usually don’t message women more than 2 inches taller than me, and many are shorter than me.

    I do want sex, obviously. But I also want a real connection and chemistry. I’m open to many things, casual, serious.

    So how do I explain my poor results? My theory is that a large portion of women on OK Cupid aren’t really serious. Some come out and say that, others might even tell themselves they’re serious, but the thought of meeting someone in person from a website is bizarre to them. Many just want validation or an ego boost (this is huge, because so many girls, including really hot ones, have such low self esteem).

    For those that are serious, it’s easy to click “next” when something superficial (like height) comes up, especially as they’re getting tons of messages from new guys. The grass is always greener.

    (BTW, I’m accepting that the man has to message the woman, which doesn’t need to be the case, but seems to be anyway.)

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      So how do I explain my poor results? My theory is that a large portion of women on OK Cupid aren’t really serious.

      Another example that supports my theory. Justin, your low result count has to do with your height. No woman is going to tell you that. She’s going to make an excuse. Come on.

      If you’re going for women 5’4″ and taller, that’s why you have a poor response rate. That’s it.

      For those that are serious, it’s easy to click “next” when something superficial (like height) comes up, especially as they’re getting tons of messages from new guys. The grass is always greener

      But height isn’t superficial. Just like weight isn’t superficial. Women like tall men. Men like slender women. Email the women five feet tall or under. Maybe 5’2″. NOT the women taller than you.

      50 emails is a HUGE number. And in just a few days? Work it, girl.

      Did you read my breakdown of those people? Any woman could post a profile on there and get similar results. It’s not that hard.

      • AP Says:

        Agree that your height is a huge hindrance here unfortunately, Justin. Even short women like taller men. I’ll bet you that if you changed nothing but your height, your response rate will radically change. Being a short guy who is good looking is not too different than being an overweight woman with a pretty face…we live in a superficial society unfortunately.

        • Howard Says:

          Yes, height and weight are superficial. However, you can change weight, but you can’t change height by much. So who is more superficial?

      • JTL Says:

        I do consider height, weight etc to be superficial. A woman’s weight (like anything physical) is definitely a superficial quality. As opposed to personality or character or intelligence. Not saying that’s bad BTW.

        My height isn’t the whole story. I’ve messaged many tiny women (say, 4’9″ to 5’2″), and the response rate is not any greater from them. In fact I tend to be more attracted to the smaller ones. I did an experiment where I hid my height–just left it blank. My response rate did go up slightly. But the conversations didn’t last any longer (pointing to the lack of seriousness I mentioned).

        One of the girls who emailed me first, asked me out–she was one inch taller.

        I just think it is a limited medium that prevents your real personality from coming through. And I do believe personality, good energy, confidence will beat height for most women, other things equal.

        Quality of your men–I understand. But the actual numbers of men you dated sounds pretty good for this very limited medium, and your standards.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          But the conversations didn’t last any longer (pointing to the lack of seriousness I mentioned).

          Or maybe you’re just boring? Or annoying? Or you try too hard? Or you’re just not engaging? Or you’re taking too long to ask them out?

          But the actual numbers of men you dated sounds pretty good for this very limited medium, and your standards.

          I got lucky with the first guy. I met him a couple days after I put up the profile. I knew when I read his profile we’d have a lot in common…and he didn’t even have a picture up. It took almost 2 months after that ended to meet someone else. People seem to expect that their calendar is supposed to be filled with dates. Everybody bases their success on how many responses they get/dates they have and not how many actual connections/relationships they have. What does that say?

          • JTL Says:

            Sure, that’s all possible. But like I said, I’ve tried many different approaches. I don’t think I’m taking too long to ask them out because I never make it past 2 or 3 messages. Most of the time I email, she responds, I respond, and that’s it. Never hear back.

            It’s just more complex than you make it out, with abundant flaws on both the male and female sides.

            “Everybody bases their success … not how many actual connections/relationships they have.”

            Well, you can’t have a relationship without the date, and you can’t get a date without the contact, right?

            I’ll keep soldiering on, but I think everybody should see online as a supplement to their in-person methods, not the gold mine it may seem at first.

            • L Says:

              You just gotta love this. He’s boring, trying too hard, not engaging, taking too long to ask them out. How many more excuses and rationalizations can you come up with, Moxie, for what boils down to plain old overt pickiness? How many more negative things can you manage to assume about him (in a situation where you don’t even know him)? But for a woman to completely dismiss someone that she doesn’t even know or has never met … even if he’s 6 inches taller than her, or because he doesn’t live in Manhattan, or because he just didn’t happen to word his opening email perfectly enough, or whatever … ALL those things are perfectly ok for a woman to do. Even though we all know that there’s no possible way in hell that she could possibly know whether she can fall in love with him or not yet? You rationalize and justify every “excuse” … as superficial and shallow as it might be … and as much as it helps to paint women into a lonelier and lonelier corner and reduce their chances of meeting someone … as long as you can blame the guy and not encourage the women to take any responsibility at all for opening up their minds. You really need to have some dating coaches write some articles in this blog. You and your readers could learn a lot.

          • Jenn Says:

            I totally agree, I went into it with the wrong expectations. I’m a 33 year old woman who has been online dating for a year. When I first signed up, I thought it’d be so easy, that I’d be going on dates every week no problem. After slimming down by 80 pounds and doing a host of other improvements to my appearance, I was hoping for the flood of emails that I’d read about other women getting, and envisioning many men clamoring for dates with me. While that is a nice fantasy, I’ve come to realize that it’s just that – a fantasy. But what I had the hardest time with was the notion that my not getting a ton of attention was not the right yardstick by which to measure my value. I was looking outward for validation, looking at the number of emails in my inbox, to assure me that I’m worthy. A good week was when I’d get 20 in one day after changing a picture. A bad one would be when I’d have nothing even when I’d been active on the sites every day. I’ve spent so much time obsessing over the fact that my inbox was not filled to the brim that I had to quit online dating indefinitely. It made me feel like crap because I couldn’t help but think that if only I were more attractive, if only I were this or that, or whatever, then I’d have the dating life that I want. But that’s not necessarily true, and I know now that even beautiful women might have it tough, so continually improving my appearance won’t help much. I found that out when I did an experiment with my profile. I replaced my picture with a gorgeous girl and of course, the initial response rate went through the roof. But over time, the emails did slow down and I’m sure that if I’d continued the experiment they’d have gone from a monsoon to barely a trickle. And she didn’t have it any easier getting dates either. Only 6 out of about 25 guys I responded to over a 3 week period actually asked her out within a few emails. I guess my takeaway with this is that it’s important to have realistic expectations and to know that I am not any less worthy of love just because I’m not getting tons of guys clamoring for a date with me.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          One of the girls who emailed me first, asked me out–she was one inch taller.

          And what happened there?

          • JTL Says:

            That was my big crowning success from online, lol. She wasn’t a bombshell, but I thought, what the hell. We went out a few times, fucked a few times.

            I basically broke it off because she had some issues. Low confidence, would put herself down needlessly, very cynical. So I didn’t see any longer term potential there. But most of all, I knew she had issues with relationships and emotional attachment.

            Interestingly, I asked her what it was about me that attracted her at first, and she said it was my physical looks.

      • Howard Says:

        In a twisted way, I am glad you wrote that blog. It speaks volumes. You are not going to get any man to agree with any of that. You can’t compare 50 with one or two. That is delusional thinking. I know really good looking guys who would be lucky to get even five messages in the first week.

        This thing about men being delusional upfront is just not true. Men may certainly be delusional late in the game when commitment is required, but up front, men are quite pragmatic. They send messages to too many women. They probably should be more discriminating.

        Let’s look at the author’s elimination technique. Ten plus years doesn’t mean these guys are suddenly a problem. The inappropriate greeting guys may not be all bad as you think. That is 60% gone, just that quick. Guys don’t get those types of opportunities to just eliminate like that.

        With regard to not knowing their league, both genders are guilty. However, with online dating, women seem to suffer more from that demise. It seems the voluminous emails they received early confuses them about their league. Look, if you don’t respond well to the guys who message you, things will dry up. And even with the three messages you get later on, it’s still better than the no messages guys get later on.

        • Jack Says:

          Women these days need to be hit with a hard dose of TRUTH.

        • Jenn Says:

          Ten plus years certainly DOES constitute a problem when the man has blatantly ignored the woman’s stated age preference as being within 5 years of her own age. And while the inappropriate-greeting guys may not all be that bad, how can a woman discern that when the emails he writes are crap? She isn’t going to bother when she has better options. She’s not obligated to give every idiot who writes, “Hey, what’s up beautiful?” a chance just because he MIGHT turn out to be a good guy. If all she has to go on are crappy pictures, a sparsely written profile AND dumb, unoriginal emails, then it’s no wonder those guys are getting ignored.

      • Lele Says:

        Andthatswhyyouresingle says: “Did you read my breakdown of those people?”

        Yes, we read your breakdown: “Finally, there were 10% of men that I actually went out with.” You had a 10% date rate. And we are talking about *received* emails, not sent ones. 10%! That’s huge. Where do I have to sign to get that success rate? Because, you know, for an average guy — that is, a guy who matches “Um, I’m 43 years old. I’m in good shape, but I’m definitely not slender. ” — it’s more likely that the success rate will be in the single digit % for carefully crafted *sent* emails.

        Hahaha! Women really haven’t got a clue about what men go through when dating online. Or dating in general. Then women complain “where have all the good men gone?” Madam, they’ve gone fishing, where they can get a better return on investment for their time. High fives to Captain Capitalism for saying it aloud: http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.com.es/2008/10/yes-men-do-leave-market.html

    • icara Says:

      Yup, JTL, it’s your height. I’m a tall woman, taller than the average male in this country, and I know all about the height issue. In fact, I’ve never dated a man that is more than an inch taller than me — meaning that I’m always taller if I’m wearing heels.

      I’ll be honest. I’ve responded to a lot of profiles (because I know my height screens me out of a lot of searches), but generally not those of the very short men. Why? Because experience has shown me that I’m wasting my time. A lot of men have a problem with women being taller than they are, and that is very uncomfortable for me if we do meet and hit it off. If they answer ME, and mention that they like tall women (or anything to indicate they’ve seen my height, other than “are you REALLY 8’4″? – no, not my real height), then I’m ok with it.

      If you’re ok with height, you might have some luck emailing the very tall, who are going to HAVE to be ok with being taller if they want any dates (it’s just a question of how much taller).

      My email numbers are a little over half Moxie’s, although the number of men I meet works out to be similar. I have kids, and I generally don’t get emailed by the younger crowd. I would say about 60-70% appear to be spammers – either the “hey sexy” sort, or men who obviously have nothing in common with me. Of the emails I send out, always to men with kids who appear to have something in common with me, I’d say I get about a 30% response rate, and about half of those are “thanks but no thanks”. I’m generally considered hot for my demographic.

      The initial email load is, frankly, a bit much to handle. After a few months, I’m far more likely to respond if you don’t look like a spammer.

      • JTL Says:

        Yes, many short men do have a complex about their height. It’s never gotten me down though. Physically I’m short, but I don’t really identify myself that way. I sometimes work with fashion models–usually 5’8″ and up, so I’m used to them. Maybe I will try the very tall girls. Interesting idea.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        you might have some luck emailing the very tall [women], who are going to HAVE to be ok with being taller if they want any dates
        You’d be surprised. I’ve contacted a number of women 5’10” and up, and so far zero of them have been interested. Those who even bothered rejecting me said they were looking for someone taller. I’m 6’3″. Good luck with that, ladies.

        OTOH, regarding telling the short guys to go for even shorter women, I’m not so sure about that either. I have the most success with women 5’2″ and shorter; they go nuts for tall guys.

  3. Eliza Says:

    Yes, this society is EXTREMELY superficial. That’s why it’s such an impersonal world out there.
    People, we are ALL going to get old, and looks fade, especially when someone is nasty, bitter and ugly on the inside. Looks are truly surface. Without substance, humor, and a great personality with a positive attitude and outlook–you have nothing.

  4. Jack Says:

    Height is a pretty big factor for some women. I am about 6″4, so they have no problem telling me about how my height is a “turn on”…or whatever they want to call it.

    As for the poster, yes – I saw your breakdown and it definitely points to the fact that women do get a ton of bs emails. But among the few that men get, a decent percentage are BS as well, so it’s still the same situation at the end of the day.

    Why don’t you try sending out more emails? Goodness knows, that’s the name of the game for men. I have no problem sending out 20 generic emails in one evening. Some women will say “Don’t send generic emails…It shows you didn’t read my profile”. Please. Response rates are low…Why should I waste my time crafting an email when you could easily just trash it with the other emails? Forget that.

    • L Says:

      You got it, Jack! I’ve become ambivalent. I rarely even send out emails anymore. Why? Because I take the time to customize and send out so many emails, only to not receive a response. Why would I want to waste my time? And why on earth wouldn’t I want to try my luck at using generic or form emails if that will actually increase my chances?

      • Laura Says:

        Why wouldn’t you just learn to become a better writer? IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT LONG.

        “Hi! I really liked your profile and thought we might hit it off. Blah-blah-insert-sentence-here-about-one-example-of-something-we-have-in-common. How is your week going?”

        10 seconds or less. Done.

        Seriously, if you can’t make 10 seconds of time to make it clear that you did something other than look at my photo and go “ooh she’s hot,” I’m not interested in even a first date.

        • uesider Says:

          so here we have another artificial barrier that you can use to eliminate someone who has shown an interest. The personalized line is nice (and I use it) but if you’re not attracted you’re going to trash it anyway. So I can understand why lots of guys just do a classy version of “I’m interested, are you?” and leave it at that.

          Be honest, are you looking at the email, then looking at the pictures and then deciding whether to write back? You’re not taking any more time than these men you scold.

          Hate to sound cold, but you women want the guy to act like you’re unique and special. At this stage of the game, you’re not. If you respond back, the courting begins.

          The title of this blog is pretty on the money.

          • Laura Says:

            If a guy doesn’t mention something (ANYTHING) that’s written in my profile, I assume he didn’t read it and is just some shallow tool who only looked at my pictures. There are plenty of those out there and I have no interest in dating them. I realize it may not always be an accurate assumption, but it’s a decent first screening tool.

            When I get a message from someone:
            -I look at the thumbnail of the sender. If it’s awful, I just delete.
            -I read what they wrote. If it’s not written in ebonics and has SOME modicum of thought put into it (vs your generic response above), I click through to the profile.
            -I read the rest of the profile, looking for red flags as far as what I’m looking for / my lifestyle. (For example, I don’t typically date anyone in school).
            -I take a look at all the the pictures he’s posted. I look for the worst picture and make sure I think that one is at least passable, because other pics may just be “good angles.”
            -I read back through the profile again, this time with more of an eye for what stands out and what I want to mention in my response.
            -I respond, and hope that we can set up a date within the next week / within the next 1-2 messages.
            All of that typically takes about 2 minutes or less.

            Hope that gives you some insight?

            As far as “barrier to eliminate someone who has shown an interest”, you’re right that I’m picky – I am the first to admit that. So far I’ve really enjoyed all the dates I’ve gone on; it’s just a question of whether I’m attracted to the person or whether they are just a decent guy but with whom I don’t have chemistry (in some cases, I’ve stayed friends with the guy, and in one case, I even set him up with one of my girlfriends). But point being, I get a LOT of messages on online dating websites – I would rather only spend my time answering guys who fit my (specific) criteria and go on fewer dates (but higher quality dates) as a result.

            • uesider Says:

              Ok, so that I understand- you deserve to have some kind of discrimination, we all do. I’m discriminating because I decide whether to write to you or not.

              My process (not saying I’m right) is more based on pro/cons rather than “red flags.” If a woman has one thing going for her it can offset something else. Maybe she lives 15-20 miles away but she’s younger. Or maybe she’s a little overweight but she carries it well and likes to do things that I do. There are of course deal breakers, but because men get fewer messages we have to look a little closer at who we do write back to.

              • Laura Says:

                Oh, I’d definitely agree with the pro/con system – that’s a better way to describe it than my title of “red flags”. I don’t necessarily have my criteria codified (ha! That would be amusing to try, but would also prob prevent me from ever getting any dates), and I would say I have very few absolute dealbreakers. From my experience, those who DO try to make a list of dealbreakers are usually the ones who can’t seem to find anyone they like.

              • L Says:


            • The D-man Says:

              If you met a guy in a bar, a coffee shop, the grocery story or wherever, he would not known anything about you – ANYTHING – but the way you look before talking to you.

              He would most definitely not introduce himself by saying “hi, I like [insert favored activity] too.”

              Why the higher standard for online?

          • L Says:

            Exactly! You can’t build the beginnings of a relationship when you don’t invest any time. Why the heck are women SO afraid to respond? What possible danger could possibly come to you by responding to an email? Engage the guy! Even if he’s not perfect looking, lives a borough away, or isn’t 6′. Maybe you’ll turn out to like him or have something in common that you didn’t anticipate! And you know what? If you take it to 2 or 3 emails or you take it to the phone and then decide you aren’t interested, why does it place you in SUCH a horrible and vulnerable position to just then reject him? To then just send an email and say that after careful consideration and having the opportunity to chat a little more, you’ve decided to “continue to pursue the relationship with the guy you just started dating” or you’ve decided “that you don’t think it’s a match”. Yes, it is possible that he may get upset. But SO WHAT! Block him!

            You can’t fall in love without taking risks.

          • Jenn Says:

            To D-man’s comment: if you met someone in a bar, indeed you would not know anything about them at first except that they are attractive. However, to compare meeting in person to coming across someone’s ad on a dating site is a mistake, because they are not the same thing. Online, you have a profile of the person which they have taken the time to write out. If it’s a good one, it is chock full of a good amount of details about who the person is. It follows that if you already know something about the person and you’re interested in meeting, then you should acknowledge their efforts to present themselves by commenting on something they wrote. If I have to put in the time and effort to put together a brilliant ad, then I don’t appreciate it when I get nothing but spam. Show me that you actually read what I wrote, be funny and interesting in your response, and I will be that much more inclined to email you back.

        • L Says:

          Because even to do that much is a total and complete waste of my time. Trust me … you don’t think I’ve tried writing emails like that? You don’t think we’ve all tried writing thoughtful, witty emails that make it very apparent that we’ve read through your profile and found something in the profile that we like? Puhleeasse. You gals really need to start looking inward. Don’t start out being so resentful and bitter before you even respond back to the guy. I agree that it doesn’t come across nicely to just say “I think you’re hot”, and I would not do that. But frankly, it seems to me that most women would probably prefer that to reading a nice email from someone … based on the response rates that I know of for men who do so.

          • Laura Says:

            I’m not talking about some creepy email in which the guy has spent an hour touching on every detail of my profile (those I won’t respond to either). I’m saying, mention ONE thing we have in common, and suggest we get coffee or a drink to discuss.

            Social interaction really isn’t rocket science, and the way some people agonize over it only further reinforces my “screening tactics.” I want someone who is normal and at ease with meeting new people and is using online dating to broaden their pool – not someone who has turned to online dating b/c they’re too socially awkward to get dates in real life.

  5. Craig Says:

    Who has more luck online depends on your definition of luck. If you’re talking solely about how many emails you get, clearly women win that one easily. There’s no honest man you’ll talk to who’s ever experienced getting 50 emails in a week. Women simply don’t contact men first very often on these sites. Now if you define it by who’s getting the most dates with quality people they’d like a long-term thing with, then the gap closes significantly to nearly even. I think whether you’re a male or female there is plenty of opportunity if you look good and have your shit together. I had to work very hard to get dates – harder than average I suspect because of being a non-caucasian (a study by Okay Cupid reflects that fact). But I did get a lot of dates – with a wide variety of attractive women of all backgrounds because of relentless perseverence, better than average looks, and the socio-economic status that comes with being a lawyer (forgive me if that sounds conceited, as that’s not my intent here).

    I think whether men or women have more luck isn’t really the notable distincion. Both can have a good deal of luck if they’ve got it going on so to speak. I do think women have an easier time of it becasue they don’t have to do as much work contacting people and such. Rather, I think the notable distinction of who has more luck is between the “haves” and “have nots” – those who are beautiful, thin, young, and/or affluent vs. those who are not. If you’re hot (an in the case of men, well-off) you’re going to have a lot of luck online whether you’re male or female.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I agree with Craig that “luck” online is not a male-female thing but I disagree somewhat that it is a hot/not-hot thing. For sure, super-attractive people are going to do better. But, knowing the ways you in which you are “not-so-hot” and adjusting your expectations and strategy accordingly can also lead to “success.”. Most people seem to want to blame the other gender for their superficialities, at least here on the Internet. If you’re playing this blame game in real life too, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage. No one owes you anything. Not even respect. The rules for online dating are: know yourself and know your audience.

    • uesider Says:

      There are some good points here- I will add that the volume of emails actually works against many women- they get far more attention than their sexual market value indicates. As a result, they overrate themselves and go after guys that are out of their league.

    • offensivedan Says:

      Yeah, I think race and its impact on online dating is a topic that Moxie has not sufficiently addressed. Man, you white guys think you have it tough online? Think again. Imagine being a non-white down South and most of your selection is white. I admit I like white girls and I like having sex with them as a way to stick it to the white man However, even if you are looking for other members of your race or ethnicity, online, it’s rare to find one. And even if you do, most of them only want to date a white man. I’m not complaining; i’m just pointing out that it is doubly hard for a non-white man to find dates online.

      That’s why I’m going to die single down South. Fuck where I live and everyone who lives here. Fuck the South and the Confederacy. Fuck Robert E. Lee and the KKK.

  6. kristen Says:

    I think the people who have the most luck online are the ones who take the time to do it, and are smart about who their audience is. From experience, I don’t consider being barraged by men who are 15+ years older than me or who clearly are socially inept lucky per say. It can actually be pretty discouraging.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Exactly. I don’t understand why these guys are so impressed by the number of emails I got. The majority of responses I got were depressing.

      • DC Phil Says:

        The difference is that you got many more responses than the average guy would get, period. The quality is immaterial. The average good-looking woman is bombarded because, yes, the strategy of many guys is scattershot, leading to poor quality. But, they often do it out of a position of scarcity or quasi-scarcity. That is, the guy does it scattershot because he feels he has no other way to get a woman’s attention other than taking too much time to craft a very direct and pointed profile. Even that, surely, might not get the response he’s hoping for. So, he thinks, what the hell and I’ll just try the scattershot approach. Eventually, one will bite.

        The woman, on the other hand, is in a position of abundance or quasi-abundance. All she has to do is just sit there and the messages will roll in because she knows that she’ll get them regardless. She can afford to be picky. Whether she finds the “hey, sexy” messages to be inordinate or offensive, or the profiles boring, etc. is immaterial. She gets attention. If she were smart, she’d realize that being so picky is a result of an overinflation of her SMV or ego and that she’s passing up many guys who might be what she’s looking for. Then, she’d get serious and go out with the guys and see what might happen. Yeah, that might be boring or scary, but it’s what has to be done. You don’t find your life partner, or a casual fuck, without meeting them first.

        I can sum it up like this: women are risk-averse. In this society, women shift the risk onto men because they can. Men have to shoulder the burden of approaching and getting rejected all the time. They take on the risk. Do the women care? Of course not because they’re in the privileged position. (At least when it comes to sex. Commitment is where the man has the power.) Online dating amplifies this many times over, coupling it with “shopper’s mentality” and the other ills.

        • kristen Says:

          The question is about luck online, not who gets more responses by default online. If the men who are sending out the mass messages were reading profiles and doing a little bit of reasoning to consider if that woman might be interested in what they have to offer (and vice versa), then their luck may be a little better. On the flip side, if I’m just sitting back doing nothing but waiting for prince charming to email me, I’m not going to have much luck, because PC isn’t the guy who is mass mailing women. As far as being picky, until you have dated every obese woman 10 years your senior, who doesn’t have a job, but has 3 teenage kids at home who has contacted you, then you can call me picky. I’m not talking about splitting hairs whether a guy is 5’7 and 5’8…

          • Steve Says:

            funny, you reminded me of a 5’9″ woman that emailed me when my profile was 5″ 8″. I told her I was actually 5″ 7″, didn’t hear from her again.

            • Laura Says:

              I wouldn’t respond to you either if I found out you lied. Are you THAT insecure that you need to do that?

              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                Oh please. It’s one inch. Like anybody could ever actually tell the difference.

              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                And you’ve never fudged, even a little bit, the weight or age you tell people? Get real.

              • Steve Says:

                Why the hostility? Also, I wasn’t lying, I was being honest. If I didn’t tell her that would have been a lie. It is to expand search results since the 5’7″ area is beginning to be considered on the short side. In person I haven’t told anyone since everyone I have met is shorter and if they would discard me on finding out I really wouldn’t care. 1 inch is basically the difference in a pair of shoes and/ or standing up straighter. And no I am not insecure. I work out regularly and would much rather be myself at my height than the vast majority of people taller than me.

                • Laura Says:

                  I understand that one inch is not a big deal – which is why I wouldn’t write a guy off for being 5’7″ but accept a guy who is 5’8″. However, it’s the fact that you knowingly change your height to something different. Sorry, that’s the definition of lying.

                  Crotch Rocket: I put my height, weight, and age down accurately.

                  • Steve Says:

                    You might understand more if you were the gender in the great majority on these sites. From my point of view, I’d say a significant percentage of women who found me one way or another had a cut off of 5’8″. So if they found me by search they wouldn’t have if my cutoff was lower. If I’m dating someone and she turns out to be the girl of my dreams, I would hope (and think) that she wouldn’t care if and when I finally broke the news that I’m an inch shorter; that is all my positive attributes would make this a triviality. Someone that liked me enough would be glad that I listed the 5″ 8″ otherwise they wouldn’t have met me. Now if the only thing you know about me is that I changed my height by an inch and nothing else, that is all you have to judge me by and what you will base your decision on. So the honesty ends up hurting rather than helping.

        • Jenn Says:

          Why would getting attention matter when it is dates that we want? And no, we are not going to “risk” going out on a date with someone who is obviously not what we’re looking for. And they deserve to be ignored in some cases. I can’t recall the number of men who tried to contact me who were soooo not what I want. I’d get emails from severely overweight guys (who always tried to pass themselves off as “average”), emails from guys who were much older, emails from guys who already had kids and didn’t want any more, etc. It gets really annoying after a while and I see no reason to take a chance on someone who is obviously not my type.

  7. joe-f Says:

    The online matchmakers are businesses and as such, they need to make money. They can make money by making you renew or stay on their site, if it is a free site. In beginning, you will always get a lot of emails because the site wants to give you a good feeling. Then when more new members join, they will push you deeper into their system so unless your potential love interests know you by name, they can’t find you. Try emailing matchmaker to cancel your subscription, you will be surprise how good the results get suddenly.

  8. L Says:

    I can only tell you that I’ve been told directly by many women that this is true – that they get so many emails every day that they need to hire someone just to manage it. I can only tell you that okcupid themselves did a study a few years back that confirms all of this. I do occasionally come across a woman who doesn’t get very many, but this is a rare exception.

    I’m sorry, it is YOU who are in denial … and it is WOMEN that are setting their expectations too high. I know of many men who have made many attempts to date hot women … as well as plain-looking women … as well as even some ugly or heavy women. And it doesn’t make a difference … everyone wants their knees to wobble. It is the women who have the power to say yes. The men are just the pursuers.And I can tell you that not enough women say yes. And I can also tell you that this is not limited to online – it’s happened to my friends and I after meeting women in person also. It isn’t reality.

    Men have a notorious reputation for NOT being picky – for being willing to sleep with anyone with female sex organs. If men are so picky, I would like your explanation as to why we continue to see the very same women that we email and/or approach … OVER AND OVER AGAIN … over months/years on online dating sites and in person at events and at parties? Why? Some of these women are attractive women? Are they even dating? All WE hear are complaints from them that guys are jerks, treat them like crap, and how they can’t meet a nice guy. You know why? Because they don’t make good choices … because they MUST have hotness, charisma, tallness, mystery, entertainment, aloofness, etc. No one wants what used to work years ago … quality and long-term prospects.

    It’s time to stop LOOKING for reasons NOT to date people. Does it make sense to be SMART about dating? Sure! Does it make sense to be indiscriminate? Of course not! But does it make sense to open up your minds and maybe … just maybe … take a 2nd look at the guy who just wrote you and say “Jeesh … he’s no George Clooney, but you know, he’s not bad looking and I suppose maybe under the right circumstances I could like him”. Because frankly, if you talk to your married friends, very few of them had their socks knocked off the first time they met.

    I don’t think you realize how powerful media images like SITC, soap operas, and the Bachelor are with women and how most women “attach” themselves to these shows. In many cases, it’s not even at a conscious level. But the bottom line is they think that this is the way people meet and fall in love in real life. That is simply something that men don’t do.

    The reason why we care about all the people who are being shallow is because it is ruining it for us. This issue is so ingrained and proliferative with single women that it’s substantially affecting our chances and opportunity to find someone. That’s how bad things have gotten.

    Sorry, it is a problem with the female gender and it has grown to epidemic proportions.

    • L Says:

      Incidentally, I have actually had WOMEN admit to me on more than one occasion that they don’t understand why they are so picky, empathize with what men are going through, and don’t understand what they are looking for. Women themselves have admitted this to me and to my friends!

      • DC Phil Says:

        I’ve usually tried to impress upon my female friends when they give me this lament that maybe — just maybe — the reason why guys are the way they are is because of the way that women have treated them in the past. Sure, I realize that men can be picky about women, especially in terms of looks. That’s the society we live in. But, if women routinely say that “it’s about what’s inside,” then they shouldn’t have anything to complain with regarding a guy’s looks, eh?

    • Jack Says:

      No kidding, L. Every women I’ve met online says they get way too many emails. Obviously, you aren’t going to get a ton of quality (That’s life). Also, please consider the fact that you are 43…so I can see that affecting the “quality” of guys you get.

      If you are looking for tall and good looking, well, the tall and good looking guys get enough attention so they are looking for hot and younger.

      As L mentioned, women are the ones with the power to say yes – and they say it to the wrong guys. I hate to sound like I am on some anti female campaign here, but L is SO RIGHT. Just about everything wrong with dating can be blamed on women. It’s not like we had some masculinist revolution or anything like that.

      It’s been women messing up, and there’s a good reason. You all listen to and take advice from each other – Worst possible idea, because you are rarely ever 100% honest with each other. Guys don’t have that problem. Hell, we insult each other for fun.

      Take advice from men who for some reason decide to share the truth with you.

      • SB Says:

        Um, no. It is not just women’s fault when dating doesn’t work out. It still takes two to tango, and quite frankly, I have asked out several guys online and in real life myself (when I was 23 and 24 – always fit and decently attractive). Online? they always disappear after I suggest coffee. Always. they seem to just prefer to have an ongoing email conversation forever (boring).

        In person, I get mixed results. One let me know that he wished to be married in a year. I declined dating him upon hearing that. Another completely either didn’t understand I was asking him out or was feigning ignorance because he didn’t like me. Fair enough.
        Another turned into a stalker after two dates.

        It is annoying, because I would like to have some say in who i get to date vs. just going with whoever asks me out. But, that’s life as a woman; asking the man out does not seem to work for me.

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          asking the man out does not seem to work for me.
          That’s probably because you’re either asking the wrong guys or not asking enough guys.

          Women ask out two or three assholes, it doesn’t turn out well, say it doesn’t work and go back to waiting on their pedestal for Prince Charming to approach. Hint: even a moderately successful guy has to ask out hundreds to thousands of women–and most of them will reject him or turn out to be poor matches. The guys who carefully craft personalized letters to women that look to be good matches? They get maybe one or two dates per year because that strategy doesn’t work.

          • SB Says:

            Well, in that case, I will tell you what DOES work for me. Sitting “on my pedestal waiting for Prince Charming” because that is how I met all of the great guys I have dated, and the ones I decided to give the try of being in the relationship they all wanted from me (except for the guys who proposed; not ready for that leap yet)

            The one I did end up going on a couple dates with that I asked out? Yeah, he was an asshole who obviously didn’t really like me; he’s a transparent player trying to use me. I walked away from that. Ladies, take note.

            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              The one I did end up going on a couple dates with that I asked out? Yeah, he was an asshole
              So you only asked/went out with one guy, and he was the wrong guy. How does that disprove what I said above?

          • Jenn Says:

            Don’t overdramatize. Most men do not ask out hundreds to thousands of women, and if you are emailing so many and only getting one or two dates per year, then it’s time to look in the mirror hon, cuz you’re doing it WRONG.

      • L Says:

        Jack, I also don’t like having to say all of this and hate the way it makes me come across. I’m sure I sound like some anti-woman mysogenist. But I am SO not … and any of my women friends would vouch for me. But this is unfortunately what dating has come to. Change is going to have to come from the female side.

        • joe-f Says:

          Women don’t need to change, men just need to adapt. A 100 years ago, most women were not in the workforce so they needed men to survive. Today, more women are getting graduate degrees than men and they don’t need a man to survive. What they are looking for is a man who will add to their lives. I think a small minority of women have outrageous demands but it is their right to demand whatever they want. They weigh a relationship against their current happy, but not perfect, single lives and they found that they prefer their single lives unless someone who can add to their lives, comes along.

          I don’t think all of us will find someone. It is the journey and the struggle rather than the destination of a happy couple that makes life interesting.

          • Jack Says:

            Joe_F giving the ladies a pass. Trust me, the future doesn’t look so bright with this casual approach to relationships and family. We can’t all just FCK each other like bunnies, get into 2 year relationships and jump out, get into 5 year marriages and get the hell out, and all that. People are so damn obsessed with their own pleasure that nobody wants to sacrifice anything anymore.

            Yes women, make guys wait. Strop dropping your panties so damn fast – I promise you, men will adapt back to that. They will step up their game.

            Some will think that I am against the sexual freedom of women – No. This isn’t a misogynist agenda. It’s being honest. So women are more sexually open and free…that’s a good thing right? Just look at the decisions they make. They still end up giving it up to assholes. And you know what that does? It gives the assholes no reason to change and creates resentment with the nice guys who then decide they are going to be assholes as well.

            • L Says:

              A perfect and accurate representation of what’s happening in today’s dating world.

            • nathan Says:

              Jack, you are sure fond of the phrase -“trust me.” And yet, it seems to me that if people ended up trusting you, they’d think everyone is selfish, and that the world is going to hell. Maybe it seems that way to you, but trust me, plenty of folks around here and elsewhere totally disagree.

              Joe’s comment is pretty spot on. He’s not talking abut people running around screwing at will with any old person. He’s saying women are in a better position to care for their basic needs themselves, and thus can be more picky than in the past. Some go way too far, but blaming women in general for the relationship problems we have in our society may not fit the definition of misogyny, but it’s definitely a load of bs in my book.

              • Howard Says:

                Men haven’t changed their approach much through the decades. It’s women who have changed much. And that’s when it all went to crap. The answer out is only obvious. And we men are mostly fine, thank you very much.

          • Howard Says:

            We have adapted. The outcome is not so good for women. Most men seem to like the way things are. And the ones who don’t like it, find some way to thrive without whining about it.

  9. Christina Says:

    I don’t think there’s any doubt that women get more messages, but that doesn’t help if the quality is extremely poor. Just because most men will sleep with anything that moves doesn’t mean we should adjust our standards downwards, especially if we’re looking for something serious. Women ARE often picky about the wrong things, but on a dating site it’s important to be picky, considering how many married, never-employed or otherwise suspect guys are sending messages. One of OKCupid’s studies showed that the hottest women get by far the largest percentage of messages, so it is true that a lot of men have unrealistically high standards as well.

    I’d consider myself average, and did far more poorly than Moxie, message-wise, in a much smaller, rural area. I probably got 20 messages the first week, of which exactly one was decent quality. After that, I got 1-3 per week. I finally decided to message guys myself, and got very few responses. At least the one who became my husband replied to me, even though he thought I looked old. lol. I guess it’s what you’d call a pity reply.

    Online dating is hard for everyone. It sucks to never get any messages or replies, but it also sucks to only be contacted by guys who are trying to get into your pants asap before apparently fleeing the country. That’s why it helps to not take the online thing too seriously, use other avenues to date as well, and to try different approaches if you’re not having any luck.

  10. Nerdy Bachelor Says:

    I think the important comparison is between online and real life. In real life, women that I find attractive often act like they find me attractive. Or at least often enough for me not to feel aggrieved (even in a new city where I don’t yet have enough friends to be considered attractive by most women).

    Online dating is a totally different story. Lower quantity of dates, lower quality of women.

    And when I compare how much I enjoy real-world activities to how much I enjoy sitting in front of my computer filling out forms and writing emails to strangers, I find online dating to be Pareto-dominated.

    Most of my guy friends agree about this. How about women? If the relative merits of online dating vs. real life is better for women than what I’ve just described, then women are the “luckier” ones in the online world.

  11. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    “Um, I’m 43 years old. I’m in good shape, but I’m definitely not slender. When I was actively using OK Cupid for dating purposes, I’d post a profile and get about 50 emails in the first 3-5 days. That would drop off to 25 by week two. 10 or so by week 3. And then once I hit the one month mark I’d get maybe 3 emails a week for a couple weeks, even when I’d update my profile.”

    And you don’t get that that’s more than what most MEN get PERIOD? And the reason for your ‘drop off’ was that you were no longer the new kid on the block. Most online dating ‘experts’ recommend men contact only the NEW members of a website, because women that have been on the same website for a while could be either a)burnt out, b)too picky c)only looking for attention or d)not a real profile, but either a scam or placed by the company to get more members.

    “Of those emails, at least 40% of them were from men that were 10+ years above or below my age range.”

    Fine, that’s your preference, and I have no problem with it. But I believe you got on men on a similar post for perhaps being choosy about women for their weight and age, but that’s cool. I personally don’t think that 10 years is that big of a deal, and maybe they were cool guys, but you’ll never know because you probably gave up on them immediately when they weren’t in your prefered age range.

    “Then there was the 10% that were from the guys from Amsterdam or London asking me how the weather was over here. Another 20% were from the guys who opened with, “Hey beautiful/sexy/love those lips” or some other socially inept comment.”

    Timewasters, yes. But 30% of your total responses? That’s still a small number. An annoyance, yes.

    “The next 20% of emails came from men who were time wasters, put me on the back burner, sidelined me or otherwise emotionally maladjusted.”

    Okay, so maybe they didn’t hold up the radio for you outside your door, and make you their first priority in their online dating life, but let it be known that men nowadays are hip to the dating schism; no matter how much a woman complains about how they’d prefer to be ‘chased’ and ‘courted’ the smart man isn’t going for it no more. We know that didn’t work for us when we were younger, and it definitely isn’t working for us now. That kind of behavior immediately places us in the ‘stalker’ ‘moving too fast too soon’ and the ‘he’s too desperate for me’ areas. We’re playing it cooler and keeping our options open… just like women have always done.

    “there were 10% of men that I actually went out with. Of the 8 or so guys I went out with in the past year, 3 have turned in to something that lasted 2-5 months or are currently ongoing. Of those 3, 2 emailed me first. I emailed one. (That one lasted about 5 months or so.) In the past 7 months I’ve gone out with all of 3 guys from that site, two of which led to something ongoing but certainly did not/have not reached anything that would merit the “omigod BOYFRIEND!” status. I focused only on the guys that I was genuinely excited to meet.”

    So, if the day before you put your OK Cupid profile up, a little genie appeared and said, “Moxie, you’re going to have to deal with a lot of bullish, but in dealing with the bullish, you’ll meet 3 compatible enough guys to go out with/date/have sex with, and maybe at that moment they’re not omigod BOYFRIEND status, but you’ll have some on going things with them.” Would you have said, “Hell No, I don’t want that. I want to go straight to omigod BOYFRIEND”. No. You would have took that. I think most women, and MEN would have taken that deal. On a online dating site? Hell yeah.

    “I don’t think the problem is that the women are all high maintenance. I think part of the problem is that you guys who often complain go for the “hot” woman because she’s attractive, not really understanding that you have no shot in the first place.”

    I can’t speak for all men, I can speak fo rme though. I message women in the 37-47 age range. I message the skinny ones. The ‘chubby’ ones. The ones with kids. The white ones. The black ones. If I like what they’ve said in their profile, and they seem somewhat intelligent and cool, I message them. That’s all there is to it. The response is none or next to nil. The non-solicited emails I get? Women who are 200-400 lbs. Women that have a profile all in caps. That screams craziness and maybe not so intelligenct. The complainer who’s whole profile is a demand on what they don’t want and what men have done wrong to her. Not what I’m looking for, and that’s my right.

    I’ll be the first to admit maybe that’s something about me that can be better. So I try almost every day to improve myself or my profile, but come on, it’s not like I’m an over 40 virgin who’s never had a girlfriend. I’m not an ogre. My comments on this subject comes from what I hear most men and women say about online dating; one this website and other sites I surf…most women complain about the dates they DO get. Men complain about how a) no one emails them and b) no one responds to their emails, and they’d have to send a LOT.

    “Finally, why care so much about all those people who won’t give you a chance? If you think they’re so difficult and shallow, then why even care? That makes no sense.”

    In the end, I don’t. This whole thing started with your previous post about the woman that sounded like she found the Holy Grail when she talked about how she was able to find a ‘boyfriend’ online. My take was, all women can find a boyfriend online, if they answered less than half of the emails they receive online.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Most online dating ‘experts’ recommend men contact only the NEW members of a website, because women that have been on the same website for a while could be either a)burnt out, b)too picky c)only looking for attention or d)not a real profile, but either a scam or placed by the company to get more members.

      And those “experts” would be misinformed, because most websites lump all profile – both new and updated – into the “new” search.

      And you don’t get that that’s more than what most MEN get PERIOD?

      Then who are we all emailing? Obviously some men are getting responses, enough to develop something with someone. It’s not “most” men that aren’t getting responses. It’s men who aren’t considered attractive or interesting that aren’t getting responses. It’s men who say the wrong things in their profiles that aren’t getting responses. It’s the men who live 50 miles away emailing women in Manhattan not getting responses. Most of these guys are going for women with a ton of strikes against them and wondering why nobody is responding.

      I got a ton of responses because my profile was new. It tapered off in 3 weeks. If I updated my profile I maybe got 3 responses a week if that and out of the 12 a month I got, maybe ONE that was worth considering. I don’t date heavy/overweight guys, or guys who look unhealthy, or guys who live 90 minutes away, or separated guys, or guys who are in town for two weeks, or some 28 year old who “typically only dates older women.”

      The response is none or next to nil

      That is everybody’s experience. How are you not getting this?

      This is like me complaining that, out of choice of Scarlett Johannson, Sofia Vergara, Jessica Alba, Zoe Saldana and me, that nobody was picking me. Duh. Really?

  12. Aniiko Says:

    Height was an issue for me as well. Along with age. Irony, i may have gotten a nice amount of emails, but 90% were bs! Straight bs. They were all talk, perve (adult men with no sexual manners), or straight scary!!
    If i got a three page first email… Hell no. If yiu sent me a sexual one liner…hhhheeeellll no. I made 5 good duy friends because though i was too tall that did not mean great convos and a person to luagh with was not there. No fwb! I also got a lot of ” are you a spoof acct?” ” or when i reached out to a guy he, he would not reply the first three times because he thought i was not real!!! Wth!! I only email them 3 times by accident if they changed their profile picture or added a new one. I woukd simply give a sincere compliment to specific things in thier profile. Out of tge 10 or so guys i chatted with only, 3 would make it to my cell number. The rest wiuld die off to fast. Out of the 1 would continue a conversation, show actual responses and interest. The others prob felt i was their second or back up incase no one hot enough came along.

    I am sorry this “ny driven” crap is just that bs! I live in dc and i speak to guy in both! They are more superficial than they say. Because how will you know a woman is driven or passionate if something did not stop you at her profile in the first place! Men are visual creatures and as a guy said here, dont pick higher than you can jump. But dudes surely are not following that advice. I would get some ppl in my in box that i was like “really! U are contacting me!!”. These would be thugs or extremely nothing in common. I even put in my profile “if i can out run you, do more crunches than you, and/or your fav sport is sitting on the couch all day… Move on! Active fit men only who can speak articulate english”

    Now the kicker…. Im a model and i did put some model shots in there mixed with my natorious iphone pics lol. So pls dont tell me dudes are not pickier! Its both sides. And even if im pretty they are always looking for, “well if she responded than i can get prettierthan her” girls.

    I am now off the market. Hope to god this last because i am so over the dating drama! The rate of expectstion of sex in the dc area is crazy! They expect it with in 3 dates and will ditch because they know some other girl will put out! The new york area is where their are more mature open minded men! The dc area is also a 1 male to 9 women ratio! I am not competitive. If he wants another girl than go! Just dont waste my time. They are racial limits here (not from me but otgers) which is sad. And thiugh im a model i am not “white” or asian. Im mixed and its obvious. I was thinking of moving to ny or cali to increase my diversity odds, yes because im older and honestly in 5 yrs i would like to settle down inthose two places anyhow! With or with out a man.
    Im with my current from POF. He was my friend first! Which is how i like it. He is not my same ethnicity mix, which is fine. But i went on sites looking for my sidekick not a fwb, sex hook up, or games.

  13. AP Says:

    I just finished a 3 month paid membership on Match. I’d fall in the attractive bracket, but my banes are age (37) and also not being Caucasian. I did get professional help on my profile from a dating coach, and my main picture was me in workout clothes which showed that I was athletic and in good shape. I think that definitely helped in catching attention, and additionally I was keen on attracting men who make working out a priority like I do. It may also have intimidated men who weren’t in great physical shame, but hey, you can’t win them all….

    I don’t know if I had 50 responses my first week, but I certainly had a good amount of notes/winks in the first week and it died down substantially by week 3. I probably had email convos with about 15 guys.. I met 8 guys in person. Only one guy was a total dud because I didn’t think his pictures accurately reflected him – he was chubbier, older and shyer in person. I knew there was no second date the minute I saw him.

    The other 7 were nice, attractive men with good personalities and careers.
    – I ended up having second dates with 4 of them. One took himself out of the equation after our 2nd date saying he realized he wasn’t over his ex.

    -I went out on about 5 dates with another before realizing he never really let me talk and what I thought was charming & witty on our first 3 dates really got on my nerves on date 4 & 5. I also felt he didn’t know how to have a real relationship and we’d be doing dinner/drinks once a week for a long time to come.

    – It came down to the last 2, and I had a tough time choosing. I actually ended up sleeping with both, and one was just awful and the other was fantastic. So I’m now down to my final choice, and we’re dating ….haven’t made any boyfriend/girlfriend declarations but both of our profiles are down.

    If this doesn’t work out, I will prob take a 2 month break and get back online…and go through the exact same process. I don’t know if I’ll have the same responses or luck. I think online dating definitely works best when you’re still in the “new-ish” pool.

    • L Says:

      The important distinction with you … is that you systematically gave a bunch of men a chance and for that you deserve kudos. You spent time with them – and there is no way to get to know someone without doing that. You just don’t know the number of women who dismiss men who are perfectly good candidates before they even finish emailling or talking to them on the phone for the most superficial and ridiculous reasons. I wish I knew how to spread your sensibility around. It’s severely missing.

      You will likely meet someone … it’s just a matter of time.

    • Howard Says:

      This is as real as it gets and I surely thumbed you up. But tell me why it scares the living daylights out of me? Why does it make me want to just pack my traps and just go meditate on a mountain for the rest of my life?

      As real as you are, you are exactly what I am not looking for. And there is a part of me that knows, that most women are like you. Maybe I am too demanding and should settle for what comes my way. Maybe it’s my sin that quite a lot comes my way and I create these obstacles.

      The funny thing is that there are many guys like me. Ah, to hell with it. I am a hopeless romantric, and none of what you wrote appealed to the romantic side of me!

      • Howard Says:

        And while you are so busy doing the choosing, don’t ever forget, it’s men who decide committment, the guys you want anyway.

        • Laura Says:

          How is it men who decide the commitment? BOTH people do the choosing (one to send the initial message, one to decide whether to respond), and BOTH make the commitment.

          • Angeline Says:

            The fact is that women generally come with “commitment” built in. You can safely assume that’s what they want, so it’s no hurdle to get them to agree to it, in many cases in spite of misgivings and red flags galore. The desire for commitment is so overpowering many women will attempt to stuff a bad relationship into that model. Men on the other hand have all kinds of disincentives to commit, therefore whether commitment happens or not depends on his decision to agree to it.

            Yes, of course there are exceptions, yadda yadda.

            • Laura Says:

              I don’t commit to anyone unless I’m interested in them. I’ve been the one to turn down the second dates more often than not. I’d MUCH rather be single than commit to some guy who exhibits red flags – my life is pretty great already, so I only want a guy if he can enhance that.

              • Angeline Says:

                Excellent. You are the rare and elusive unicorn. It’s still a given that you want a relationship, so the quest is (a) finding a suitable guy who will (b) commit to you. Once you settle on a guy, the big question mark is will he be interested in commitment/marriage. If he states that he is,you’ll jump at it. See? No great task to convince you to commit, it’s already your goal.

                I think there’s still an assumption out there in Dating Land that b will inevitably follow a. It just isn’t so anymore. Marriage and divorce is so fraught with landmines for men that many are opting out. Women no longer think they have to keep their man happy and content in the marriage; that they have to do any wooing and selling of the assets they bring to the marriage. Men look at the divorce stats, the likelihood that they’ll lose the ouse, 50% of their income, AND the kids, and understandably want no part of that deal. When half of the equation for commitment removes themselves from consideration, they de facto become the hurdle to having it.

                Convincing a man that married life will be based on integrity, fairness, sanity and passion is something most women never see, much less do. They’re too busy planning the wedding and testing him with crap criteria from novels and movies.

      • AP Says:

        I’m assuming you are referring to me, Howard. Why do I scare the living daylights out of you??

        Online dating IS a process, and you do have to be systematic and organized to get through it. I went in looking for a boyfriend/long term relationship, and stayed focus on that. I had a good idea of what I brought to the table & what I was looking for in return. I responded to men that were in my age range, who seemed to have similar lifestyles, who had common interests etc. I didn’t waste my time responding to anyone else. I even did take the initiative to write to some men, even though my response rate was only 1:5.

        I didn’t describe my dates, but sure, almost all of them were indeed fun and some romantic. But I am looking for long term compatibility…not to be swept off my feet necessarily….of course if both comes together, I’ll take it. And I have actually found that in my current beau ….so I’m happy with my outcome.

        Also, I certainly don’t agree that men decide the commitment. It takes two to have that conversation!

        • Howard Says:

          Long term commitment decisions seem to be more in the hands of guys, while dating in the hands of women. Not that I think it’s wonderful, the way it is, but that seems to be the way it’s going these days. The guy is the one who pops the question regarding long term committment. And men have taken this to ridiculous territory these days. For the life of me, I can’t understand a man sleeing with a woman over three years, tell her he loves her and not deciding to at least live with her. For me, I am not taking that past a year. I am in or I am out!

          So while women are busy doing their choosing and narrowing down, it really means nothing, if she is not very cognizant of this fact in her screening process. You could be just spinning your wheels picking the right one who just thinks you are a nice piece of ass or showpiece for the while or worse yet he is a commitment-phobe.

          AP, what I think was missing in your original post was how you feel inside and how he feels and the mental connection that’s made along with the chemistry going both ways. The breakdown was too clinical and self-absorbed to strike me as attractive to my sensibilities.

          • Howard Says:

            Your second post did show a warmer side and is more favorable to me. However that bit about committment is probably wishful thinking on your part unless you know how to change the paradigm. The trick of course is prizability. I certainly hope you can pull that off, convincing him you are the prize that he is going to lose unless…

          • AP Says:

            Okay, I see where you’re coming from. Let me clarify that I gave a clinical breakdown in context of this blog post topic. I did have feelings throughout this process, and if I wrote all that out for each of the guys, my post would have become a novel. And that’s why I did not…but yes, I felt everything ranging from anxiety, disappointment to sheer joy and romance over the 3 months. I had great conversations with these men, learned a lot from them, ate/drank/saw very cool stuff all over NYC etc. etc. I also DID try to gauge who was really there for the long haul, and we talked about kids, whether we’d choose to live in Manhattan forever, and some serious topics early on.

            I also assumed these guys were dating other women since they were still active on the site, and that’s part of the process too. I don’t know if I would want to know exactly how many girls he was dating at the same time, how many he slept with etc. before deciding to be with me….and for my part, I won’t be discussing that either.

            It’s interesting to me that you and Jack (below) give me kudos for my approach, and yet say it scares the heck out of you. I mean, ideally, yeah, I’d love to meet Prince Charming and fall head over heels in love with him from day one and ride off into the sunset….but we all know what the real world of dating is like (and that’s why we all frequent this blog!!) and it’s hardly smooth sailing. One has to look out for oneself and be smart!

            • Howard Says:

              I suppose that’s why Moxie and women who advise women are going to be in businnes forever. We men, are a strange breed. We can separate things!

              We can give you kudos, yet say you scare us. We can separate sex and love extremely well. We can be pragmatic upfront and be so ridiculously choosy later in a realtionship after a woman has invested so much. The reason for that is that we are much more the romantics than women imagine. What we feel upfront is crazy infatuation and crazy lust. But most men are not getting married based on that. They really want to feel something inside where just being in your prescence completeles them.

              It’s a feeling where we get you toatally and like most of it. It’s a feeling where we know you get us totally and like most of it. It’s the feeling where we want to grow old with you. It’s a feeling where we want you to be the mother of our children. And if we don’t think you have class, decency, warmth, understanding and capacity to nurture, we won’t feel like we want you to be the mother of our children.

              Now women have their strangeness too. Too judgemental upfront, and too blind after committing their mind, even though the guy has not even committed his mind. Women are too attracted to the material things upfront when that is not the centerpeice of what they really want, so they alwys have difficulty getting what they really want. Women are not nuanced enough in early approaches. A guy is much too quickly declared “persona non grata”

              There is the old story of a woman needing three men. If she can roll them up into one man she would have course found the holy grail. Of course most women should be happy with two out of three in one man but that will never do.

              1. Mr. Provider:
              2. Mr. Make my heart go affluter sex machine
              3. Mr Listener and errand boy.

              The first guy gets laid. He is sometimes an older guy. He is sometimes Mr. Big. She never has to work a day the rest of her life with this guy around.

              The second guy is the good looking alpha guy. He is dominant. Women know that they have to fight to be on his priority list and they continually do so. He not just gets laid, but attacked by women and laid.

              The third guy really gives her what she needs most, and is the guy for the long haul. The one she can depend on for anything. He will give her what he does not have. He will listen to her whining and give her positive feedback. He will glorify her. He will jump in front of a train to save her. He will pick the kids up on time. He will cook for her. He will nurse her when she is sick. Guess what? He doesn’t get laid.

              The third guy is always the difficult one to get thrown in with the first two. Think about the ball players and movie stars and famous people. You could get the first two with them but third, generally impossible. You can get the first and third together, but generally the second one is missing in that scenario. In fact it is extremely rare to get the second in extreme quantity with the third. Of course there are degrees of how much any man fits any of those profiles. Some lucky and smart women do get all three when they are willing to accept it being in lesser degrees. A woman should probably sit and think where she wants to be in that whole analogy.

      • Jack Says:

        Howard, I feel where you are coming from. Yes, women decide when the sex happens, but men decide when the relationship happens – usually.

        And I give AP kudos for her approach, but it also scares me. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. I wish dating hadn’t become the casual thing that it is now.

        I mean, what if I meet a girl once and just fall for her, then 3 months later when we want to get serious, I find out she was dating 10 other guys in that period and slept with 3 of them, finally narrowing it down to me….All those romantic feelings jump right out the window.

        Some will say here that I should be practical and that relationships are never easy. Well I choose to go with the romantic view of how things should be. There are too many relationships of convenience and it is almost like a job – 2 people being together because they both want to be in a relationship, not because some special bond brought them together.

        Why would I give up my freedom to play the field for that? I’m holding out for something special – Just me.

        • L Says:

          Nicely said. Can’t understand why dating has become the way it has today … other than liberation. Women simply don’t need men anymore as long-term partners.

        • Anonymous Says:

          I can understand why you find AP’s approach scary, but at her age, she doesn’t have time to be exclusive to one man and see how that works out, then months later start something new with another.

          If she dated 15 men non-consecutively and gave them a 2 month “chance” that’s 30 months (almost 3 years) of the precious last few years of her fertility gone.

          No woman over 35 has the time to waste on a relationship that goes nowhere. It’s best to date multiple men, keep quiet about it, and narrow them down to one… who may not even work out anyway, but only 2-3 months have been wasted instead of 30.

          • liz Says:

            “she doesn’t have time to be exclusive to one man”

            Because the world is going to end if she doesn’t find a husband. And what’s with the age threat?

    • offensivedan Says:

      I’m not impressed by AP’s comment. Whether it’s 100 or 200 emails, winks or notes this lady had her pick like any other women online. So, she picked 15 guys out of 100 emails, winks etc she got. You guys make it seem she is the Mother Theresa of online dating. She’s not. Sh’s another chick who went only and had many options unlike most men.

  14. Deimar Says:

    Well, I got no experience at all in online dating. However, I believe that all women are beautiful, its more about taste.
    I believe the reason why I, as a guy, will believe that women get more emails, is because women are the ones that at the end decide where a relationship is going. In order words, guys are offering themselves, like many products you will find by tons in the supermarket, but women have to pick the best product.

  15. offensivedan Says:

    To Moxie and her gang of female online deniers:

    This is a fairly easy post to respond to. The question asked by the post is, who has more luck online–men or women? Well, look at all the chicks who have posted on here complaining about the 50 emails they recieved the first week and all the so-called losers who emailed them. How many posts from guys on here complain of the same thing? NONE. I don’t see any posts by any guys, DC Phil, etc., complaining about receiving 50 or more emails from females. Nowhere.

    Even though the female brats on here complain, “well these emails are from men we are not interested in”, those are far more emails than most men get over several months! Also, we don’t even know why online women or the female posters on here feel “the emails” are from non-quiality guys. The reasons could range from the guy is too short, is not a great speller or may not have the color eyes they are looking for.

    Also, when I have been on dates and a women tells me she has been bombarded with emails from creeps, I hear the “disdain” in her voice. As if her high maintenance ass is too good for all men.

    In conclusion, you dames need to stop with this charade and admit you have it better online than men. Arguing to the contrary or trying to spin it just shows women are far more expert at bullshit then men.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      So how come DMN and Craig and Crotch and D all manage to get dates? What are they doing so differently, do you think? How come they manage to not only get dates but get married to someone they met online and none of you can even get a date?

      And what sort of woman is even discussing how many emails she gets? Oh, the horrific, bitchy ones you all appear to go after only to be used or abused? Well then it all makes sense.

      This thread is absolutely soul sucking. You’re all so intent on demonstrating how hard you have it. I’m embarrassed for you.

      • Laura Says:

        Hope I’ve made it clear – while I haven’t met the right guy yet, I’m pretty content with my lot on online dating. The point is that online dating should never be your SOLE source of dates; it’s just a way to broaden the pool from guys who might not frequent your usual spots or travel in your exact circle of friends.

        I could care less whether I get 10 quality messages in a month or none. I’ve found that it comes in spurts – I’ll get a lot of messages or none at all – and have learned to trust that in a dry spell of dates, it will eventually pick back up. I don’t need 10 dream guys – I only need ONE.

      • offensivedan Says:

        Moxie you are comparing apples to oranges. You can’t compare a guy who lives in NYC to one who lives in Buttfuck, USA. For example, Craig may simply have more options b/c he lives in a big city with a lot of women. As for me, i live in a city–w/o naming it–where the population has shrunk quickly and most intelligent/educated people leave.

        It is hard dating online. Besides you asked the question, so don’t get all pissy when you don’t like the answers being supplied.

        • Nathan Says:

          Add me to the list of guys who didn’t have that much trouble getting dates doing online dating. Sure, there were some dry spells, but overall, I can’t complain about numbers. And I’m from the Midwest – not Nyc or some other large city.

          Dan – I do agree with you that some of the rejection women are talking about sounds ridiculous. I especially find it comical that some women flat out reject any guy who hasn’t demonstrated that he has fully read their profile, but then get all huffy when guys want something more than a wink or a “hi” from them. And I remember running into the one inch cut off myself with women who wanted someone 6 ft or taller. 5’11” didn’t cut it for them on paper. But I doubt that would have been an issue if we had met in person.

          That’s the biggest thing I didn’t like about online dating. Trivial things easily become points of rejection.

          • Laura Says:

            Ugh, enough with the “I doubt it would have been an issue if we had met in person.” Who. Cares. You haven’t met these women, so why are you agonizing over whether they write back to you or not? If you’re so much better in person, then go meet people in person! Again, online dating should be a supplement to broaden your horizons – and if you use it that way, you’ll be a lot less disappointed if individual dates don’t work out.

            Even as a woman, I probably only get a response to one out of every five guys I message. Do I care? No way. I send an initial email (again, mentioning something I liked about his profile but not spending hours poring over it), and don’t think twice about the guy until he writes back to me. I try to keep as little commitment involved as possible until we’ve actually met for a first date, because from my experience, it’s just not worth it to get even a little bit invested until you’ve seen if there’s chemistry. My girlfriends can attest to the fact that the morning of a date, I’m usually going back through my online dating messages to double check what the guy’s name is and remember what I liked about him. It probably sounds cold, but I just don’t see the point in spending hours thinking about some guy who may be perfect on paper but whom I meet and I find we have no chemistry at all. And if guys are putting that much investment into my profile, I think they probably don’t have enough going in their lives and it’s kind of pathetic that they’re hung up on some online dating girl that THEY STILL HAVEN’T MET YET. To me, that’s the equivalent of idiot women having crushes on male celebrities. How on earth can you have a crush on him if you don’t even know him???

            • nathan Says:

              Laura. I am not agonizing at all. In fact, I have been dating someone for over two months now – who I met in person. I was simply stating what’s true – it’s easy to get hung up on details in an online profile you probably wouldn’t even know when first meeting someone in person.

              I completely agree with your basic approach – sending a simple first e-mail, checking details again before the date, and letting go of the rest.

              But you seem to be jumping on the comments of every guy here, as if their complaints don’t have any validity. Which makes me wonder if you have some need to defend something you are doing, instead of recognizing that there is some truth to what the guys are saying here.

    • Solo Says:

      I concur

      Even the ugliest fattest woman has more opitions than the average guy

      ^^^IF this woman has options but yet an average guy doesnt YIKES!

      • Brandon Says:


        That was fantastic and oh so true. Went to the local festiival in town today and saw nothing
        but fat chicks out with decent looking guys. Just goes to show that sex drive is so high in men that will
        “settle” for anything!

  16. Mark Says:

    Pretty amazing….

    The subject was ‘Who Has More Luck Online – Men or Women?’

    87 posts. Responses ranged all over the map.

    The thing is almost everyone of them has validity to one degree or another. Absolutely 100%. Responses were all over the map. They ranged from location, two inch difference, race, profile winnowing, e-mail response strategy….The whole nine yards.

    I gotta ask just one question: Isn’t the name of this page ‘And That’s why Your Single?’

    Not trying to be snarky, but anyone reading this stone cold may have a clearer indication why.

  17. Rawrr_Girl Says:

    I think the women may typically get more e-mails, because it was always the tradition for the man to ask the woman. But why follow that “rule”? I’m a woman, and if I feel attracted to a man, I’ll ask him out, otherwise I may only lose him to another woman, if I don’t let him know how I feel. Can’t anyone be attractive AND intelligent? I have yet to ask someone out, who I’m hoping will return to the dating site I’m on. Better not hold my breath, though. lol. He just seems really genuine though. And he isn’t bad-looking.

  18. Brandon Says:


    Although i do enjoy the article and agree with many of the things the writer says(such as men too often contacting only the “hot” women). I do have to say that she does not appear to understand the man’s dllemna. Men do not get any where near the e-mails women get. Alot of it has to do with women holding the power when it comes to sex. A women get’s to play “out of her leauge” on a daily basis. Men getting contact much less dates is approachng the modern woman’s chance of marriage- Zero ! Supposedly studies have been done where it was discovered that most women don’t so much overrate thermselves
    as VASTLY underrate the men. The majority of the men were rated as “sub average”.

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