Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon – Part Trois

See Parts One and Two here.

Here’s the latest installation of this story:

Thanks for the feedback. It turned out that last week some woman (he swears he doesnt know) has been emailing many of his friends and myself as some sort of obssesion and revenge saying she hates him because he offered to take her out for dinner and on vacations and she feels he lied to her and that she found out hes married. ??? The way she wrote she sounded like a lunatic. I got pretty upset at first but he said he doesnt even know her. The next day he got me roses. Since crazy woman emailed a bunch of his contacts, he posted an apology to everyone on his wall. Next day he posted a picture of us and some of his friends commented that they finally see who he had been talking about and glad to finally see me. We see each other every other day pretty much and whole weekends so theres no need to interact much on facebook but I admit I was happy to have him acknowledge me on his facebook as stupid as it sounds. – Carina


I’m going to do my best Whoopi Goldberg/Rita Mae Brown impression here.

Carina…you in danger, girl.

Having some random woman contact you and tell you that this guy is a fraudster should be given at least a modicum of consideration. She knows something.

If he doesn’t know her, how did she know how to find you? Remember, he wasn’t making your relationship public. His close friends didn’t even know who you were. So how did she know? Carina, he obviously knows this woman. To say he doesn’t is a bold-faced lie. You shouldn’t be overlooking that just because he bought you flowers and caved and posted a photo of you on his Facebook page. He only did that because he had been caught. Not because he wanted to.

Since crazy woman emailed a bunch of his contacts, he posted an apology to everyone on his wall.

Again, he did this for your benefit. (Or hers.) Why would anybody use their Facebook page to announce something like this?? That’s something you address privately. Hon, he wouldn’t even acknowledge YOU publicly. Why make this public to people, especially possible business contacts?

If he had told you “sorry, that’s some psycho I dated once that stalks me,” I would be less worried.   Even if that was a lie, at least it’s a credible one.- DMN

He obviously knows who she is, and he’s covering his ass. He’s certainly not protecting you from said “crazy woman.” Guys who attract “crazy women” are usually crazy themselves. The fact is that you don’t know what he’s doing when he’s not with you. Wasn’t he just away for a couple weeks? Sounds to me like he met somebody while away and fed her the same BS he fed you. I mean, look at the two of you. She’s writing to his friends, you’re writing in here. You’re really not that different. This guy appears to make women very, very insecure. Or he is drawn to women prone to insecurity. Either way, none of this looks very good.

This guy is hiding something. I’ve said it from Day One. How can you not be at least a little bit curious about the married accusation?

Carina, something is up. You have to pull yourself out of this situation and look at it objectively. You are choosing to ignore the obvious because you don’t want to lose this guy.

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71 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon – Part Trois”

  1. wishing u well Says:

    Carina, I hope you didn’t give up your apt (and I hope you are using both birth control and protection). You may not choose to leave now, but it’s probably wise to quietly start slowly moving your stuff back to your place….this is just the calm before the storm. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And what is this, 3 months in? Now you are starting to see who he really is…his character, etc. This is why in your originating post, the overall tone of the responses were “be reasonable” and “take your time.” Please – you are alone in a state that you are brand new to…hopefully you have some good friends that can help you transition. While you sort things through – please do not feel obligated to stay if more things come to light that are unacceptable to you. There is no shame in walking away from a situation that will potentially be miserable for you. He bedazzled you in hopes that the skeletons / zombies from his dating past (and apparently present) would be overlooked and ignored. Whatever you decide, always remember: Carina comes first. At the very least – you deserve someone who will truly care about you and that is dedicated to you as you are to them. I wish you well.

  2. VD Joe Says:

    I don’t see the problem here, this kind of thing happens to me all the time.

  3. myself Says:

    Get out. You can’t possibly be so desperate to be attached that you can’t see he’s not being truthful with you.

  4. JS Says:

    If he looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, he’s probably married (or psycho)

    ….either way…. RUN, Carina, RUN!

  5. Howard Says:

    Ok Carina, in spite of all Moxie has told you, you have followed this rabbit hole. So keep doing that, because that is what you want to do. And stop looking for any endorsement from Moxie, because she is not going to give it.

    Moxie behavior is typical woman behavior. Yesterday in the posts, we had a woman giving us a clinical breakdown of how she worked like maybe six guys at the same time and eventually sleeping with two at the same time. She eventually settled with one. Everybody thumbed her up. Even I thumbed her up, but told her I was scared as did one other guy. To everyone, she was just working her options. And she sure wasn’t sharing informatrion with any of these guys about the others.

    Do I think this guy had other women or another woman? Absolutely yes. So what makes this different from the woman yesterday, I think her screen name was AP or something like that? Guys just get a bad name on this board! You gotta figure it this way. The desirable people tend to have someone else in the wings when they meet you. Now guys don’t ask, because they know and fully expect it. They see how things proceed.

    Smart women don’t overtly inquire or screw their brains up too much figuring, if things are proceeding well. What’s a guy to do when a woman inquires or seems to want to inquire? He lies. Does this make him bad? You figure. Some guys even do protective maintenance, like going overboard and lying elaborately, ahead of any inquiries. Does that make them bad? Go figure that one too.

    When I read Moxie’s blog, I sure as hell understand why she is single in her mid forties. It’s called taking a chance, rolling the dice. This post follows well from her blog yesterday about immediately eliminating guys more than ten years older or younger, and the ones with a socially inept comment. Moxie I got news for you. Every really desirable guy you meet, has someone in the wings. If you want to discern the goodness and badness from how they handle that situation, that is up to you. As long as none of it is flaunted, it really shouldn’t matter.

    Carina, remember he hasn’t repeated marriage vows to you, so really how much does he owe you, having just met you? If he has a wife, he sure as hell aint with her, if he has you at his place all the time and you have keys. Maybe he is separarted and finishing the divorce, but doesn’t feel that should eliminate him from having something good in his life, like you. He is human. Even if this doesn’t work out in the end, it sure as hell was a good ride. We all have to get off the rollercoaster at some time, and we don’t worry about that as we ride the rollercoaster. We also don’t sweat getting off, after we have done it too.

    I think this guy really likes you, in spite of whatever information he may not have shared with you. From what I have read, you seem to be winning the battle against any other woman in the wings , and that is what counts!

    • Howard Says:

      Ok Moxie, what you moderating me for now?

    • Phoenix Ember Says:

      Howard, I wish I could give you 100 upvotes. This is exactly how it works: When a woman keeps a half-dozen guys going at the same time, she’s “empowering herself” and “exploring her femininity”. When a guy dates two gals at once, he’s “crazy” and “a fraudster”.

      Funny how women don’t have a problem with _that_ double standard.

      Anyway, none of it will matter. I’m quite confident the things Moxie criticizes this man for are the very things that keep Carina enthralled with him. Every woman wants to believe she beat another gal to get her man, and hey, emails from a stalker are way more exciting than hearing some loser drone on about his desk job and stamp collection. Let Carina be. She’s doing exactly what she wants to be doing.

      • Saj Says:

        Modertion is crap and goes against one of the earlier complaints about other blogs where the author would filter out any who disagree and make sure the bubble of commenters were always agreeable. How is that different then going out to lunch with your single girlfriends and repeating filtered inaccurate advice.

        Feh to censorship!

        When you insult commenters rather then the comments you should be tough enough to receive it back or otherwise don’t do it.

  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    My personal view is that whether he’s married is a total red herring. Even if he’s “married,” he’s obviously separated so the only question is whether he “lied” about that fact. And, to me, if he lied about being technically married, I view that as an acceptable lie. As we all know (and some of us even admit) some lying is necessary in any progressing relationship. No one shows all their cards from the beginning. He may not have been ready to share that. I’m sure there are things she hasn’t yet shared with him.

    But, what troubles me more is his lie about not knowing the crazy woman. That lie doesn’t make any sense to me. As I said in my comment to part deux, the other woman knew this guy’s M.O. of offering vacations. I don’t think that’s coincidence. Since there are innumerable ways that he could have explained this situation without a blatant obvious falsehood, it is incongruent that he chose this path. I don’t have an explanation for it but for some reason, he cannot admit to even KNOWING the crazy woman? Its not true that only “crazy people” get stalked. Most of us have been stalked at some point. I highly doubt he’s worried about that.

  7. Jeannie Says:

    Hi Carina,
    I’m with Moxie on this one. I truly sense danger here with this guy. Please try to extricate yourself safely but quickly. This goes beyond dating styles of men vs women, etc…. this situation is potentially life threatening to you. The other woman is an unknown. Your boyfriend is an unknown. He publicly humiliates her- that is his answer to dealing with an “unknown crazy woman”?? This whole thing reeks and I am afraid for you. It is going to escalate rapidly. Please put yourself first, protect yourself and leave this quagmire. Good luck to you.

    • Phoenix Ember Says:

      Jeannie, I want to comment on what you wrote as I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation.

      A while back a gal I’d dated start harassing me in much the same way the “other woman” in Carina’s situation has been acting. It started with her continually vandalizing my Facebook page, which (after I blocked her) escalated to her sending offensive messages to my LinkedIn contacts. This included many of the people I was working with at the time. I, too, had to go and speak to my co-workers, explaining the situation to them and asking them to kindly ignore any other emails from this woman.

      I didn’t do anything to provoke or deserve this. We had dated, the woman had at some point lost attraction for me, and when I failed to stand up to an early attack from her she escalated the abuse. I’ve found there are many women like this: Once they feel the relationship is over they don’t simply want to break up with you; they actually want to destroy you.

      Jeannie, you say Carina’s man is “publicly humiliating” his stalker. You have things completely backwards. She has publicly humiliated him by emailing insulting messages to his girlfriend and coworkers, and doing God knows what else on Facebook or elsewhere.

      Moxie claims the man apologized to his friends on Facebook as a sort of publicity stunt to impress Carina. No, Moxie; he apologized because he was under attack by a sociopath and wanted to preserve as many of his relationships as he could. You also say abuse is “something you address privately”, and hold that against him as some sort of red flag. No, Moxie; this woman already attacked and humiliated him publicly. He didn’t take things public; she did. With the apologies, the flowers, even the picture on Facebook, this guy was trying to save a relationship he was afraid this abusive woman had managed to destroy for him. Which, let’s be clear, was most assuredly her goal.

      If the genders were reversed in this situation, there’d be a chorus of women rising up admonishing us to “not blame the victim.” Let me say the same thing to you now. This man was under attack and took every step he could think of to defend himself. If you use this as evidence he’s a cheater and a “fraudster,” you are playing right into this abusive woman’s hands.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      No, Moxie; this woman already attacked and humiliated him publicly.

      And there’s a strong possibility that this guy did something to provoke it. How would she even get the girlfriend’s email or Facebook page in order to contact her?? You and Howard and the rest of the He Man Woman Haters are overlooking the most glaring of points in the story.

      I’m not in any way saying people deserve to be harassed. I’ve said before that revenge like this is pointless. But rarely are the so-called victims totally innocent.

      When a guy dates two gals at once, he’s “crazy” and “a fraudster”.

      Somebody didn’t read the whole story. Might want to do that. The guy was talking marriage with her and gave her a key to his apartment.

      • JS Says:

        “Somebody didn’t read the whole story. Might want to do that. The guy was talking marriage with her and gave her a key to his apartment.”

        But Moxie arent you ALWAYS writing about how: bf/gf titles, exclusive talks, meeting family/friends, vacations, saying I love you, marriage vows, having babies, etc all mean nothing. Yes, you constantly write that. I can point out at least a dozen blogs of yours if you dont believe me. And now, so he was “talking marriage with her and gave her a key to his apartment”….isnt that supposed to mean nothing as per your philosophy?

        So why is he a fraudster when she is not supposed to believe any of his words/actions is supposed to presume he is still screwing everything with a pulse? Isnt more a case of the double-standard other posters have pointed out. If she were still dating, she’d be seen as being cautious, weighing her options, debating the possiblities in her mind, while comparison-shopping. But he can do the same? Remember of course this is based upon your belief that all the usual “steps” in courtship….mean nothing.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          And now, so he was “talking marriage with her and gave her a key to his apartment”….isnt that supposed to mean nothing as per your philosophy?

          Yes. THAT’S THE POINT. That the guy was full of it and she was buying in to everything he said when she shouldn’t have.

          So why is he a fraudster when she is not supposed to believe any of his words/actions is supposed to presume he is still screwing everything with a pulse?

          BECAUSE SHE WAS BELIEVING IT. Jesus. Seriously? Do you really not understand?

          You’re reaching to make an argument and failing.

      • Phoenix Ember Says:

        And there’s a strong possibility that this guy did something to provoke it.

        There’s equally a strong possibility he did not. Hell hath no fury… My own crime was acting like a sucker, showering the gal I was dating with gifts and attention. Did I deserve to have my name ruined? If my career had ended forever as a result of her harassment campaign, would that have been justice?

        Really, I’m surprised by you, Moxie. I follow your blog because you write so insightfully about men and, I’m therefore willing to believe, women as well. But even you seem to be having a hard time admitting just how violent and cruel a woman can be.

        How would she even get the girlfriend’s email or Facebook page in order to contact her??

        Yes, and how did my attacker get my manager’s email address and phone number, even after I blocked her on Facebook? We expose ourselves on social-media sites and later don’t remember doing it. How do we know this woman wasn’t reading the guy’s own email, or had stolen his phone? I hear stories like that all the time. And sociopaths are relentless once they have someone in their sights.

        The guy was talking marriage with her and gave her a key to his apartment.

        Oh come on, Moxie. You can’t possibly think this woman strolled into the guy’s life just yesterday. I realize you’re eager to deflect this back on me, but you’re better than this.

        • wishing u well Says:

          Seriously – before you keep going with this….click the links and read parts one and two to this. Moxie is just going by the info provided by Carina previously.

          • Angeline Says:

            And read the comments that advised, slow down, enjoy getting to know him, but keep her own place and not be in such a rush to have a boyfriend, to enjoy the learning about him phase. The OP countered and justified all over the place. Any man who wrote in that a woman wanted him to move in, mentioned marriage, and gave him a key within three weeks would have gotten SHE IS CRAZY RUN DUDE!! comments.

          • Phoenix Ember Says:

            I have read the Carina trilogy, but would you like to clarify what it is I’m missing?

            The obvious interpretation to my mind of this latest turn is that the guy was dating both these gals at one point, but quickly decided on Carina and now the other one is out for retribution. Which, to my amazement, everyone here seems eager to give her.

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              I have read the Carina trilogy, but would you like to clarify what it is I’m missing?

              He committed to her after dating a week, started talking marriage after 6 weeks, offered her a key to his place after 6 weeks, never introduced her to his family, obviously kept her away from his friends as well. Oh, and then he lied to her about not knowing this woman that emailed her.

              I don’t know why I’m bothering. You’re intentionally being obtuse (or you have a serious lack of relationship/dating experience) and incapable of seeing the situation objectively.

              • Phoenix Ember Says:

                Oh, Moxie. Cheap insults really are beneath you.

                I get now that people think I’m trying to argue Carina should stay with this guy because he can’t possibly be trouble. That’s not the case. Go back and read again what I wrote.

                I’ve been in this guy’s situation. I understand why he reacted the way he did. Nothing I see here (careful, guys—I mean nothing about this specific incident) suggests to me Carina’s boyfriend is not being genuine. Having a sociopath working to tear apart your social life does not mean you’ve done anything to merit that kind of abuse, and I’m frankly a little shocked at how readily everybody seems to be accepting at face value what this woman is saying. I wonder how many understand what a sociopath is and what they do.

                By the way, do you imagine I would ever admit, non-anonymously, to having dated my abuser? The shame would be unbearable. You are asking an awful lot of this guy to think he’s going to tell Carina the whole story, just like that.

                I’m well aware there are many peculiar things about how Carina’s relationship has developed. Does that mean it’s not real? I don’t know. I’m always inclined to consider the possibility the guy genuinely cares and is just really clumsy about it, since… well, you can see where I was only a few years ago.

                • Phoenix Ember Says:

                  Ha, so much for the formatting.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  Having a sociopath working to tear apart your social life does not mean you’ve done anything to merit that kind of abuse

                  You need to dial back on the melodrama. A sociopath? No, more likely just a pissed off and vindictive person who wrote a few snarky things on your wall and emailed a couple LinkedIn contacts. Certainly isn’t fun, and many of us have been there. But nobody “vanadalized” your Facebook page or was out to “ruin your life.”

                  • Phoenix Ember Says:

                    Wow. I gotta say, that really helps me understand some of your other comments here.

                    I am so happy, Moxie, this this has never happened to you.

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Oh, it has. That’s what I’m saying. This behavior – while totally unsettling and scary – has become more and more common with the popularity of social media.

                    • Phoenix Ember Says:

                      No, it hasn’t. It hasn’t, or you would understand how ignorant and offensive your comment was. How dare you pretend to know my personal history better than I do.

                      Things went way beyond a few snarky Facebook posts. That, I’m sure, is what you’ve experienced. That’s not sociopathy. Yes, my ex was really trying to get me fired from my job, just as much as she was trying to separate me from as many of my friends as possible. That’s not how a person normally behaves towards someone they’re dating. That’s not a normal breakup either. Yes, this stuff really happens. You need to educate yourself about it before you make any other foolish remarks.

                      Carina, there may be many good reasons for you to break up with your man. Everybody else here seems to think so. But I wouldn’t trust a word this “stalker” is saying.

                    • Elaine Says:

                      I often think Moxie is harsher than the average advice columnist with the OP, but I have to agree with her here on the too much becoming a victim. I have many friends, several coworkers, and a couple of former boyfriends as facebook friends, and I don’t feel as though I have anything to worry about. An ex-boyfriend’s daughter (while he and I were still dating) hated me and wanted him to get back with her mother; she hacked his email, forwarded a bunch of our intimate letters to at least one of her friends, started sending stuff to my daughter and my ex-husband, and emailed me really bizarre threats using her dad’s email. It was embarrassing and annoying — no one wants their friends or family or coworkers bothered — but I never feared that anything she would say would alter the opinions of the people who already knew me. If you are a decent person and not crazy, you should inspire some trust and loyalty in your loved ones. Back to the OP, the guy may or may not be doing anything “wrong” but the point is that Carina has no way of knowing, and she has already stacked all her emotional eggs in a basket that she has barely begun to weave.

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      I often think Moxie is harsher than the average advice columnist with the OP, but I have to agree with her here on the too much becoming a victim.

                      Yes, this. I’d guess that 1 out of 3-5 people have had someone “stalk” them in this manner.It’s sucks temporarily, and I don’t wish it on anyone, but it is become more and more common. So much so that most people shrug it off. Your ex is Facebook stalking you? Eh. His ex is emailing you and telling you he’s a jerk? And?

                      I’ll go further and say that men and women who go out of their way to use this experience to generate sympathy or attention lack dignity and are usually trying to make themselves sound far more impressive than they really are. The only people I know who have ever made a production out of being Facebook stalked, etc, were all flaming attention whores.

                    • Crotch Rocket Says:

                      The only people I know who have ever made a production out of being Facebook stalked, etc, were all flaming attention whores.
                      Also, crazies attract other crazies. Yes, you shouldn’t always put the blame on the victim, but you do need to acknowledge the part they played in creating the situation.

                      I had one stalker in real life, not this piddly Facebook stuff; she ended up getting arrested and put in a state mental institution. And you know what? I don’t tell others about it because for me to get involved with a loony in the first place means, at least at the time, I was just as crazy as she was. I was a totally screwed-up person when I met her, and I arguably did far worse things to her emotional state than she did to mine. I had own what I did, and I learned from it and improved myself. I don’t use her obsession to prove to other women how desirable I am–a tactic that would only work on women just as screwed up as she is (and I was).

            • wishing u well Says:

              No – you misinterpreting this entirely. It’s not about giving the other woman retribution. It’s about looking out for Carina, the OP who wrote in for advice. Carina stepping back a bit and paying attention to what happens next, how her man handles it, and whether or not other “crazy” women also surface – I’m sorry, what’s the downside here? She is still getting to know this guy! And since she has moved in, introduced him to her family, and left the country with him in less than 3 months, damn straight she should pay attention. She is taking this guy very seriously and has bet it all on this working out. He….remains to be seen. His perceived slowness to incorporate her into his visible world, as we don’t know whether or not she has met his friends or family yet, shows that he is taking this way more casually than she is. And yes – the fact that he LIED, as DMN suggests, is a red flag, one that is easy to miss.

              After all – why not just come clean and say “Hey, I was seeing her before you, met you, and ended things abruptly with her to pursue you.” I mean, she’s moved in! That answer would be the logical, simple, and easy conclusion. But no – he chose to complicate the simple by denying the obvious….which leads one to ask…what else is he not being truthful about? Is there more to this situation? Are there others? Seriously dude, you’ve got to be kidding me here

              • wishing u well Says:

                Correction: instead of saying “she has moved in, ” I shoud have said “she was given keys to his place and the option to move in.” Sorry Carina!

            • Angeline Says:

              Three weeks. That’s what you’re missing. I don’t fault him for dating another woman, up to the point he (allegedly) asked this one to marry him/move in and gave her keys to his place. I don’t fault her for being excited and wanting things to be all dreamy. I do think it’s suspect that he did those things so fast, and that she took that as proof that she’s so amazing rather than a sign to tread carefully. Yes, the other woman could totally be a crazypants who was dumped and is shocked, just shocked that he dared change his mind. He could also have taken the keys froom the last one’s hot little hands and placed them, still warm, in Carina’s hands.

              Your anecdotal experience does not make this guy kosher.

      • The D-man Says:

        She didn’t say the stalker posted on his wall. She said he messaged his friends. You can message people you aren’t friends with on Facebook. *He* posted on his wall.

  8. Mark Says:

    Part Three?

    If the above is any indication, I really don’t think I need to read the previous two to get a feel for the situation…It’s a mess.

    I think I have an idea, but it’s something I would rather not venture to say. Nor as to it’s likely outcome.


    Starting from a woman he swears he doesn’t know contacting all sorts of people to roses and long weekends it’s fair to ask: Just what is going on there?

    If most people are trying to simplify their lives and reducing unnecessary drama, this seems to be going in the opposite direction with this guy front row center and you right along side for the ride. I think some serious clarification is in order, and I don’t mean some silly acknowledgement on some facebook account.

    Seriously, this reads like some drama from some TV show. The thing is here you are talking about real life. Mad Men, while it’s a good show (season starts soon), is precisely that…a fictional show.

    Best of luck, because from the sound of it, I think you’ll need every bit of it.

    • Angeline Says:

      If Carina is appeased from concern about that kind of train wreck by public Facebook acknowledgment, she isn’t going to listen to any advice. I was pretty blunt in my reply to the OP’s first post, because while I believe if is possible to know pretty quickly that someone is pretty terrific and worth getting to know, that means *getting to know* them. Not moving in, and ignoring actual, serious issues, while breathlessly waiting for meaningless signs that your initial take was correct, such as … his Facebook status. I’m out on this one. This chick is either hopelessly immature, or a moron.

      Even if the guy is completely innocent of any wrongdoing, and has a crazy woman on his tail, the smart response is to step back a bit, be supportive but cautious. “She sounds unhinged, I think it would be safer and maybe take some heat off if I stay at my place for a few days.” Then you do so. You give him some time to (a) sort out a mess/press charges/clean up his past, and (b) to realize you don’t participate in drama. You also give yourself some perspective to take a look at the whole situation.

      But, I’m feeling pretty certain she gave up her apartment in spite of a lot of advice to be hopeful, but not throw caution to the wind.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        I’m more disturbed at the way she just glosses over the whole “So this woman contacted me and told me my guy is married” thing but in favor of sharing that he FINALLY posted her photo on his Facebook page.

        We’ve all either been this woman or known this woman. Shews going to blindly believe everything he says until she can’t anymore. Though I think I’d be stuck on the part where he claims to not know this woman. How or why would she target some random guy and find out who is girlfriend is? COME ON!

        • myself Says:

          Honestly I would have freaked the f*ck out and he and I would be done. But I’m not desperate to be in a relationship.

  9. Philly Gal Says:

    Why does everything have to become men vs. women?

    Listen Carina, the guy straight up lied when he said he didn’t know this woman and, to be frank, you barely know him yourself. As suggested, I’d start pulling myself away from this guy. You’re new to the area, so join some groups or get to know co-workers. I know how lonely a new place can be, but this guy is giving you handfuls of red flags. Its not worth any of this.

  10. bigcitylife Says:

    I wouldn’t put much stock on the “public” Facebook photo. If this guy is shifty and has a few friends who are shifty, he can easily post a photo on his wall, but make it only visible to a few named people and you, then conveniently one of the shifty friends can then comment.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I said the exact same thing to my friend this morning when I read them this letter. I said, “Maybe I’m just paranoid but what are the chances he has some kind of fake Facebook page?” I absolutely think he posted that photo and only she and a couple other people could see it. I hate myself for even thinking such a thing, but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit. People use Facebook in the sneakiest of ways.

    • Snowflake Says:

      Exactly! I know of girls/guys with multiple facebook accounts. I knew of one girl who used her extra accounts to stalk this guy’s wife. The lengths she would go to were past insane. But I digress, facebook is a very easy tool to manipulate once you know how it works. It is very easy to restrict access, or limit access to certain information.Just because its on facebook does not mean anything again Facebook does not equal to Real Life. Like the saying goes, do not believe everything you read…..

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        I think many people have Twitter and Facebook profiles either to “stalk” exes or to express themselves more freely without fear of employers/exes/partners finding it. I have one a (FB PAGE), and I’ve totally used it for these purposes. This is becoming more and more common. Healthy? No. But Facebook stalking people is hardly atypical. As long as you don’t cross any lines – like contacting people the way the woman in this post did – of course. But for the occasional cryptic tweet directed at nobody in particular? It’s a way to vent without doing any real damage. As long as you’re not bringing these opinions to the person, or outing them, or imposing yourself on their life in any way, it’s harmless.

        If exes choose to monitor people to see if they’re talking about them, well, they’re seeking it out so they really have no right to complain. They certainly shouldn’t be crying “stalker” if the only way they’re finding stuff out is if they’re choosing to monitor their online activity.

  11. Carina Says:

    The woman emailed everyone on facebook in a group email, not me in particular. As for the marriage thing, only reason I think hes not is because Ive met his friends and talked about meeting his parents soon. And on facebook, he joked about the married accussation and his friends joked about it in reply. As for him not knowing that woman, yes, could be a lie.

    • Snowflake Says:

      “As for the marriage thing, only reason I think hes not is because Ive met his friends and talked about meeting his parents soon.” – You “think” he is not… and sorry those are not factual reasons for someone to be thought of not married. Being married or not is easy you either are or are not – See the first Sherlock Holmes – when he met Watson’s soon to be wife – what was the dead give a way that she “WAS” married?? Wedding band line on her ring finger – I had one too and it too a while for it to fade off btw. It does not go away overnight – FYI.

      “And on facebook, he joked….” AGAIN – Are you not listening to us? Facebook means SFA!!! Anyone can LIE ON FACEBOOK. Its done ALL THE TIME BY ALOT OF PEOPLE. What is said on facebook does not equate to real life!

      “As for him not knowing the woman…” – Have you not heard any of what we have pointed out? No random chick especially someone who is aware to exclude you from the mass email/message on fb knows him knows you knows exactly what buttons to push. There is no “could be” here it is he knows this chick.

      • Carina Says:

        So how the heck do I find out if he is???
        No wedding band, Ive met his friends, his business partner, Ive heard him talk to his dad about me, Ive met his cleaning lady… Ive seen his bills with his name only. He did his taxes in front of me as a single.

        • Snowflake Says:

          Anyone can do their taxes as a single, it means SFA! Again you are grasping at straws, it is so easy to spin a web of lies and charm the pants off anyone. The red flags were there from the start. Good that you did not move in, cut ties and find a life without this person. He is toxic and bodes nothin but ill will towards a healthy existence.

        • wishing u well Says:

          Carina – you have enough info to potentially find that out. As I remember from my days in banking, the state of Florida is a lot more open with public records than some other states. However, before going down THAT rabbit hole of amateur 007 tactics – have you looked him in the eye and asked him, “Hey sweetie, now that this was mentioned, I just would like to know from you: are you currently married? And have you ever been married previously?” Pay attention as to whether or not he answers you directly or side steps the question. Be calm, be cool, be relaxed, and wait. Let him see your faith in him, and that you are still sincerely giving him the benefit of the doubt. Do this for yourself…even if he does lie, at least you gave him the chance to clear the air with you. And if it turns out that he is lying, well, you will have just learned something very important about his character and whether or not he can be trusted. Right?

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            Pay attention as to whether or not he answers you directly or side steps the question.
            This bears repeating for everyone: one of liars’ most effective tactics is to truthfully answer a different question than was asked. An honest person doesn’t need to do that.

            For those who might be interested, I highly recommend Never Be Lied to Again.

      • The D-man Says:

        Then why did his friends acknowledge the joke about being married?

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Because they knew he was probably going to be in hot water with Carina?

          Like I said…I don’t think whether or not he is or was married is the true concern. The true concern is that he obviously behaved in a way with this woman that is similar to how he behaved with Carina and then lied about not knowing her.

          I would never trust a man who got a woman this angry. There’s always more to it than the story he tells. If a woman gets so angry that she imposes herself on a man’s life like this, something happened. The chances that she’s just some delusional nutjob are slim.

          If a man ever came to me and was all, “My crazy Ex is STALKING me!” I’d want proof. I’d also want her name. I don’t get one or both, that guy is either lying or he’s a drama queen. I will say this again…if a man tries to act all afraid or unsettled by a “stalker” and he doesn’t do what he can to protect the girlfriend and tell her who she is, he’s hiding something. He doesn’t want the GF contacting the “crazy ex” and learning her side of the story. Often times the guy is making stuff up to intentionally mess with the girlfriend.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      The woman emailed everyone on facebook in a group email, not me in particular.

      Facebook pros, please clarify – Doesn’t someone have to be FB friends with people in order to a) know who to include and b)include them in a group email?

      he joked about the married accussation and his friends joked about it in reply. As for him not knowing that woman, yes, could be a lie.

      Again, this is not how you handle a potentially volatile situation.

      • Snowflake Says:

        Yes, you have to be friends with them in order to group email. You can message individuals separately if they are not on your friend list if they have that feature enabled. He knows her, she knows him and which friends to target.

        • Carina Says:

          I had approved this woman as a friend last week because her page is like a promotion page for an animal shelter. Very strange. When I saw it I thought it was just another group from someone I may know. I belong to Peta and other animal protection groups so thats why I approved her.

      • Snowflake Says:

        No not strange. Anyone with a business page/group page has no restrictions to who’s pages they can see. Crying wolf when you should arm yourself with knowledge and research (know how FB works and how to make sure you use it) a good analogy is owning a iPhone and blaming Apple for not showing you how to use it (when there is a plethora of tools out there to teach you).

        Secondly the point is HE knows her – who cares you added her last week etc etc, in order for her to message him and his friends – she knows him and his friends!!! Get it now???

  12. Carina Says:

    Oh and I have NOT move in with him.

    • The Reluctant Monogamist Says:

      Well thank god for small mercies…

      Look, it is obvious that you are NOT going to take anyone’s advice. But if you are that sure, that convinced that you are right about this, you wouldn’t be seeking validation here. Somewhere, deep, deep down inside, whether you want to cop to it or not, you have doubts about this guy’s story and this relationship as a whole. No matter how egregious his behavior, or how many giant red flags are smacking you in the face, you will find a rationalization.

      Good luck to you.

  13. Carina Says:

    What he said about her was that she attended a speaking event he presented at and she emailed inquiring about him to his business partner. He showed me the email. The email she sent on facebook was answered by some of his friends/contacts. They didnt seem to know her based on their responses. I do agree that they must have had some sort of interaction that led her to get so upset. But I have my own secrets that I wouldnt shared with him either. We all do.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      The issue isn’t whether he’s married or not. It’s not about secrets. Everybody has secrets. Like DMN said, if he was married once and hasn’t told you yet, that’s small potatoes. I don’t think he is currently married.

      What I think is that your guy has done with this woman exactly what he has done with you – moved very quickly and promised the world and then dumped her out of the blue. I have said all along that this guy’s behavior was atypical.

      His friends didn’t know about her? You mean, like they didn’t know about you? Add that to the list of similarities between the two of you.

      Take a look at her. That’s probably going to be you in a couple months.

  14. icara Says:

    Carina, I’m not saying this is what’s happening here, but one of my friends had been seeing a guy for a year or so, spending holidays with him, talking marriage with him and so on when she got a call from another woman saying something very similar to what the “crazy woman” said to you. She and the other woman compared notes, and figured out that, somehow, he’d been doing the same thing with BOTH of them, AND there was a third. Guys like that ARE out there. Another friend of mine married a guy who turned out to be a convicted felon looking for a green card. She had NO idea either. If you can figure out a safe way to do some follow-up with her, it might not be a bad idea.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I don’t think he’s two timing her. I think this guy jumps in to relationships, takes them on trips, etc and then blindsides them by dumping them. And while I don’t like anybody taking it to this length and contacting the new girlfriend or doing this kind of stuff, but usually there’s a great deal of hurt or pain behind such actions.

      • icara Says:

        My hunch is that he was probably seeing both of them simultaneously at first, and acting similarly with both, to the extent of talking about taking them on the same vacation, then decided on Carina. As to where the married part comes in… who knows. Maybe the other woman IS his wife.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Ooooo. I like that theory. The timing is convenient. Didn’t carina and her guy just go onvacation last month??

          Hold on. Carina….did you end up posting on the boyfriends wall saying you missed him like youwanted to do?

    • Carina Says:

      I dont trust ANYONE 100% but I have keys to his place. I show up unannounced and whenever I want. He spends a LOT of time in the apt. I walk in at different times of the day for lunch or whatever. I just dont see how it is physically possible to have someone else, never mind a wife!

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        . I just dont see how it is physically possible to have someone else, never mind a wife!

        You just said:

        We see each other every other day pretty much

        Every other day leaves plenty of time for someone else. But you keep “popping in” on your lunch breaks unannounced just to be sure. If a man wants to cheat, it’s amazing how he’ll find a window of time to sneak away and do it.

  15. Saj Says:

    Feeling relieved at a Facebook acknowledgement? Aim a bit higher and I was one of the Op’s advocates in allowing herself to be excited at the new relationship.

    Facebook especially from people you don’t know that great mean nothing. I wouldn’t call it being stalked but some of the harassment and attempts to disrupt and discredit made any of the worst insults I’ve received here look like flowery compliments. Probably why I comment less as I get more then enough of my fake drama and debate elsewhere with no moderation yay!

    I have to cosign with CR that men who partake in this drama are just as much of a Drama queen as any woman.

    For the Op until he admits to knowing this woman he is still actively lying to you.

  16. Sarah Says:

    Carina, people who are happy, secure, and stable don’t write to Moxie. This letter wouldn’t be part of a series if your gut wasn’t telling you something is wrong. File this one under ‘too much work,’ or ‘impossible,’ and move on while you still have some dignity. And for God’s sake, don’t post anything on Facebook about it.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      But here’s the thing.

      I don’t think she informed everybody about this woman contacting her because it bothered her. I think she was impressed by it and was bragging. That’s why she pretty much glossed over it in her rush to share that the guy bought her roses and posted a photo of them on his Facebook page.

      She’s really not bothered by this woman’s claims. In fact, she kinda like sit because she likes the idea of being with a man who is just sooooooooooo amazing that he makes women “crazy.”

      • Carina Says:

        It bothered me. Im over it now. Things are going really great so far…. 4 months together.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Yes. So great that you’ve submitted 3 separate letters in 4 months. It’s amazing what we can choose to ignore.

          No offense, hon, but maybe don’t check back again until you and this guy have been together for longer than 4 months. Or when you two manage to go a stretch of several months without some “crazy” woman popping in to tell you your guy is a liar.

  17. dimplz Says:

    Why did he get her flowers if he hadn’t screwed up? Sorry, but there’s something shady about his behavior and if this was a total stranger, he wouldn’t have made all these overtures to make Carina happy. He’s doing something wrong and he’s doing damage control.

  18. Lara Says:

    You have informed the whole internet about what is going on in your personal life, and you still wonder who that woman is??? I wonder how this poor guy is still with such an insecure woman, who publishes every single detail of her relationship in the web. What you are doing is simply ridiculous, you d better stop it for your own sake

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