Are Their Dangers To Dating Someone Who Is Separated?

Name: offensivedan
State: La
Comment: Given that I am approaching middle age, I have noticed more and more women, in my dating pool, are divorced or separated. In the past, I would never date women who were separated nor women who were recently divorced-i.e. less than a year.  However, I am rethinking my approach and would like comments from the readers of this blog and their experiences.

First, should one consider dating separated persons or is it an experience fraught with danger? Should you be dating if you are separated? Second,if one meets a divorced person how long does it take for them to get over their failed marriage and be open to a  new relationship? For background, here in Louisiana, a person must be seperated for 6 months before the law will grant a divorce while 1 year if there are minor children.



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61 Responses to “Are Their Dangers To Dating Someone Who Is Separated?”

  1. Howard Says:

    Look before you leap. There are no absolutes to anything in life. Some separated people should be left alone. Some recently divorced people should be left alone. However in some situations they are fair game. Hopefully as we age, we can discern these situations clearly.

    I have dated a separated woman before. However I found, I had no inclinatiion to meet her children, no matter what she said, about her husband being a serial cheater and her being separated for over three years, and him holding up the divorce because he was influencial and knew all the judges. And besides, I was always a little spooked, because her husband knew every cop in the city. I once saw a cop pull her over, and when he figured who she was, he went into total pussy mode. That was definitely a curtain call signal for me, and by then we had other incompatibility issues creeping into the picture. My friends told me, that made me a pussy too, but I couldn’t care less what they thought.

    I once dated a woman who was divorced over five years and within an hour of me meeting her, she told me her divorce cost over half a million dollars. That was my cue, which I, doing the typical man thing, ignored because she was fine as ever and really smart and communicative. Of course she had tremendous baggage. So it’s just not recently divorced women or men who you have to worry about. Someone can have baggage five years later or more.

    I have a friend who dated a very famous woman, who had a famous ex-husband. She was divorced close to eight years. My friend got an annoying call from her ex-husband. I suppose the fact that he was paying over $20,000 a month in child support put him in stupid mode. I was actually surprised, because I always thought it was women who typically made the call to other women, but that was just my stupid thinking. This of course left my friend uncomfortable. The funny thing is that he had the nerve to call me pussy when I bailed on the separated woman that I had dated. We guys do beat up on each other, I guess.

  2. Kool Kitty Says:

    Well…to be fair my legal status is “legally separated”…but only so I get medical benefits for a few years (my only benefit out of the divorce I might add).

    I had the unfortunate experience of getting way too involved with someone (client) who was also separated for a few years. He broke my heart when he went back to his wife…which was 2 years ago. Since then I’ve watched him bounce between a girlfriend and wife, and who knows what in between. In sum, I think this guy just plays around. Bottom line…he is not “emotionally available”.

    So before going after that hot separated guy, be sure that he is “legally separated” and emotionally available. Otherwise you are asking…no BEGGING…for heartbreak. Let someone else be the pillow that they cry into.

  3. Katie Says:

    I dated a separated man for about six months. He had been separated about a month at the time, and his wife left him. Our relationship worked and we helped each other through rough times. It isn’t for everyone. A year later, I think his life is back on track and he’s starting to date for real.

  4. Darlene Says:

    I am currently dating someone who is newely divorced in my opinon, 7 months. We actually started seeing each other a few months before his divorce was final. I can honestly say, it is definitly better to wait until the person’s divorce is complete, especially if they have childeren. Fortunalty, we were able to handle the “roller coaster ride” of emotins and issus but it doesnt happen like that for everone. Regardlessof how long somone has been married, when they separte and a divorce is pending there are usually always feelings of guilt that linger becuase they feel as though they they have failed. Even though they may not be at fault ,those underlying feelings, whether it be guilt, memories of the vow they made, regret for disturbing the lives of their children if there are any or just dissapoinment always come up in there mind and sometimes affect their current relationship. My advice…if the person is sperated, one should only consider becomeing Friends if in fact a divorce is pending, meaning papers have been signed and a court date is set. One should only seriously start dating if in fact that peson has been divorced for at least 6- 8 months, especially if there are children involved. This is the only way to protect your feelings and at least protect your peace of mind. Divorce and or separation is hard on a person, so dealing with those issues and emotions when they are so fresh while trying to nurure a new relationship will mean that the new person will always get the “short end of the stick”; its is enevitable.

    • DC Phil Says:

      You could also add that waiting until the guy is formally divorced and after a short waiting period is much better because the terms have been set with his soon-to-be ex-wife.

      I’ve never been married and I know only one guy who is divorced and was married for five years, with one daughter. He was one of the smarter ones and made sure that he established terms and crossed all the T’s and dotted all the I’s concerning the divorce paperwork. It was to protect himself from getting hit with unfair child support and possible alimony as well as possible crazy behavior from his wife. He did it on very good terms with her and the divorce was amicable. It could have been worse. I’ve met guys in the past three years who experienced a major roller coaster of emotions caused by the shitty behavior their ex-wives were causing them. Worse when kids were involved.

      So, imagine what you, the woman who will now date this divorced guy, would have to put up with if his ex-wife is a royal bitch.

    • Fern Says:

      Wow…”its inevitable”. I just got my heart broken by a recently separated woman that had not even started the divorce process. When I met her she stated that she had been divorced for a year but certain clues let me know that maybe she was mentally separated not physically. I am estimating that actual separation took place only a few (1-2 months) prior to meeting her. She had a 6 year old boy from her “ex”. It was almost 10 months of a great and happy relationship. Then, out of nowhere, it suddenly ended by her. Guilt of breaking up a marriage of 7 years (together for 15), breaking up the family, confused about emotions between us and she opted to go at this difficult time alone. I tried to convince her otherwise but it was to no avail. I am completely hurt and lost.
      Initially I didn’t buy her excuse because I couldn’t see how someone that was so into me, so in love, affectionate and happy could suddenly do a 160 in the course of 7 days. But reading information similar to yours on line helps me get a better understanding that what she is experiencing is normal and as you said got the “short end of the stick”.

  5. Craig Says:

    Been there, done that and it was not pretty. Here’s the deal: if all you’re looking for is a good time for a short while, by all means date seperated and recently divorced women. But if you want something serious and long-term, stay away. Someone who is seperated has obviously not yet completely ended their current relationship and moved on. Doesn’t matter what the reason is the divorce hasn’t happened yet. Can I get a show of hands – who here wants to watch their girlfriend go through a divorce and be on the recieving end of the fallout of that drama when she comes home to you? They are in no position to start a new long-term committted relationship. No matter how much they reassure you it’s been over for a long time – it hasn’t. As long as they’re still married to someone else, there’s no way they can credibly claim they’ve moved on. When it comes to the recently divorced, the relationship is over, but the emotional fallout remains. Again, no one is ready to begin a new relationship when thoughts of the old one still freshly linger in their minds. Give it a minimum of a year after her divorce before you take a woman seriously as relationship ready. This advice goes for either gender.

    • Sue Says:

      I’m with a man who when I met him was going through a divorce 2 years later he is still going through a divorce his wife changes her mind about the money so divorce still not happened is it just an excuse she cheated on him for 3 years and now with the man she was cheating with I asked my partner how long it will take to get divorce he said no idea and is happy that it is taking so long doesn’t seem to worry him I said to him it’s not nice that he still married to her I asked him where we are going in the long term marriage etc he said not ready in his head what does that mean should I hang around as my whole relationship with him has been while he still married and going through a rough divorce

    • Goldie Says:

      I left my husband of 18 years six years ago; started dating the same day that our divorce was final. I was ready to date before that, but waited for things to become official, so nothing would jeopardize my 90% custody. Our marriage had been over for years. I’d been over him for many years, and he told me he’d been over me for a long time too. We had separate bedrooms, separate bank accounts, separate lives. So I was surprised to see guys pull a long face on a first date and say things like “your divorce was final WHEN? You’re not over him yet” and never call again. Maybe let *me* decide when I’m over a person and when I’m not? It took me longer to recover from each of my LTRs (last one ended four months ago and I’m still not ready to date) than it did to recover from my marriage, which had already been over in every way except on paper.

      OTOH, last ex-BF had been divorced for 3-4 years when he and I met. His ex-wife has remarried, and he had what I think is a lot of serious relationships after their divorce. So it took me a while to realize that, even though all signs pointed to them being over each other, they were not. He talked about her all the damn time, she called all the damn time and he’d drop everything he was doing, end a conversation with me mid-sentence, to take her call and stay on the phone with her forever. While I can count on my one hand the number of phone conversations I’ve had with my ex-husband in the last six years. She’d randomly show up at his house and tell him how she missed him and he’d relay it to me. It took me a while to recognize this for what it was, because I too went by “3-4 years, they must be over each other emotionally, that’s the law of nature” no it is not. Don’t ever go by numbers. Just because someone has been divorced X years, does not mean they are over their ex-spouse. And vice versa. We are people, not computers programmed to switch to a certain state when a certain amount of time has elapsed, but not before.

  6. UGH! Says:

    Been there, done that, not doing it again, Unless they are free for at least 10 months to a year I’m not interested.

  7. Alan Says:

    I’m pretty much the same age as you. (maybe older). I’m Manhattan based and don’t really know whether LA would be different.

    You don’t say whether you have been divorced and I suspect you haven’t because it’s easier to look at that question when you have experienced it from the other side. I also presume the issue here isn’t just casual dating; you are really wondering about whether you should have this rule given that you are looking for something long-lived and meaningful.

    In NY a contested divorce can take a while; even an uncontested one–three years is not abnormal. While I probably would stay clear of the newly separated, depending on the situation why restrict your choices through rigid rules as you mature?

    I think hard and fast rules are not the way to go here. The question is “is the woman ready for a new relationship and has she moved on from her marriage.” Equally good questions are about her whether she can stand up on her own feet economically and if she has kids, how the ex-marriage partners manage their lifelong responsibilities regarding their children without destroying each other’s lives.

    My separation and final divorce took almost four years. I didn’t date in the first year–I was too confused to. After that I felt I was ready. I was honest about my situation, but since I didn’t and don’t date via online services and instead meet people the old fashion way (by engaging in person), they had a sense of me.

    Occasionally, (twice) I got the “I don’t normally date separated men” line. (by the way never on the first discussion of the situation–always later–and not necessarily to end the series of dates.) In both cases I got the sense way before hearing that that these women–early/mid-40s upper west side, never married types–had lots and lots of rules.

    Hope this was helpful. Good luck.

    • Thinking Person Says:

      Look at how many dislikes you’ve received. It is because you lack insight . You would be a very, very difficult man with whom to have a relationship. You will be embarrassed once you are placed in the opposite situation (which you will be) and someone uses you, someone who is separated and not divorced.

  8. Erin Says:

    If this is off topic I apologize B U T I strongly say don’t do it. To a point I agree with Craig, if you are just looking for short term fun it can be okay, problems occur when “Oh No I didn’t plan on it but now I have feelings” and their life is still in limbo. I watched with ABSOLUTE HORROR as someone who went through the gut wrenching, emotionally draining, life devastating experience of watching her husband die only to get involved with a man who claimed to be in the process of a divorce. Long story short, myself and everyone who loves this person, told her don’t walk RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! She, of course, did not listen and thinks we all just don’t understand. Now she has wasted over a year of her life and he is still telling her now he is really going to get divorced. It goes beyond EVIL that anyone would do that to someone who has lost their husband/wife. She is a wonderful, beautiful (INSIDE and OUT) person and I just cannot believe that someone would do that to someone who has been through so much. I know it happens everyday of the week but I think there should be some rule of decency that no one would do that to someone who has lost their husband/wife!

    None of us have found the way to aging backwards and none of us knows how much time we have. There are too many people in this world that could be all that and more to you so I wholeheartedly say if they are worth you giving your heart wait for sure until they are DIVORCED. No one should waste their time with someone who is not truly available. How long after someone is divorced is the proper time to begin dating – I don’t think there is one answer for that and everyone does have to trust their own judgement. Good Luck!

    • Thinking Person Says:

      Erin – I agree with you. It is not just about the tragedy your friend suffered. Everyone experiences trauma in life at some point so anyone can be a victim of cheaters or users. They should be able to be sued civilly for emotional distress.

      There are many Baby Boomers out there dating who think they don’t have to be divorced EVER, that they are okay to date truly single people, stay separated from their spouses, and keep all their retirement, not change anything about their lives except now they have more freedom. They act single, they lead people on, they feel they are entitled and it is the single person’s fault if they become emotionally attached. They don’t ever plan on divorcing. And, if something goes a little awry in the new relationship, they can call on their fall-back position, the separated spouse, to go out for the evening, for emotional support, to borrow money if their short.

      The United States culture has found a new low in selfishness. Truly single people everywhere should rise up together and create “barrier to entry” (lol) toward these energy suckers, spirit stealers, cheaters extraordinaire. These people raised children! Think of what a bad role model their children lived with all those years, and are now grown and dating themselves. This takes the oft-asked dating question, “So, what are your parents like?” to a whole new level! Answer: “They are disgusting, selfish users of the single community.”

      • Thinking Person Says:

        That’s “they’re”, not “their”. Typo.

      • Thinking Person Says:

        What these pieces of crap don’t realize is that they can keep their retirement anyway. There are agreements that can be drawn up to protect their assets. What they don’t realize, however, is the emotional overlap because of their relationship overlap will kill any chance for love, or emotional quality. It is obvious it is a cake-and-eat-it-too scenario. They want the single person to pay the price for their failed or less than ideal marriage situation. They don’t want to pay themselves, or face consequences themselves. That is the real reason they are grasping for others outside their marriage – avoiding responsibility.

    • Sparkle Says:

      Erin! I am that same woman your friend is! My husband of 10 years died of brain cancer 6 years ago, and we were unable to have sexual relations, so I have been in a Chasity vow for 8 years! A man I thought I could trust came after me, I thought I could trust him for really really good reasons I cannot say because it would tell who! Well he came to me via Facebook messenger and starting visiting with me and I was not looking at all, ever I was waiting forever in my mind and did not mind being celibate! of course He said all the right things for months, and it was so nice to be wanted and loved again and just missed and texted and ask how I was feeling, after death the little things are huge. He asked me to Marry him several times and for real on my birthday! Then I find out he’s just separated and waiting for the divorce, he promised to never leave me ever, and He just split and ran after I told my family about the engagement. I believe he still loves his separated wife, and I cannot believe how gullible I was to believe him, that he loved me more than her and we would marry right after his divorce. Long story short! Women do not date separated Men! I am so distraught I did not keep my Chasity vow!! I planned on it until after marriage and he insisted since we were engaged and he was never leaving he said. I know the guys will laugh, but please don’t I am a simple religious person who lost her husband to brain cancer. How can I be more careful! I also am fairly well off and I am scared men will see the widow as the perfect person to move in on and help raise their kids as a step mom too, and support them! This one asked me to pay for his Medical School!! OMG! And he said I will be the best step mother ever, he is looking to marry a nanny!!! Help!!

  9. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    Did you see the movie, “Love Actually”? What about “Eat Pray Love”? When life happens, it just happens. So too with love. What if … the characters in such films and books were kept safe by a gazillion self-imposed dating rules? Chances are, they’d remain safe … that is, both they and their status quo. My point not being that one should avoid, at all cost, dating people with so-called high-risk profiles. Rather, we cannot know whether the rules we use will keep us safe or sorry. But they do give us certainty. But for one who is able to accept that the past does not equal the future, she will be more open to finding whatever story of love unfolds before her. If she is closed, she will seek the familiar and, in the familiar, couldn’t she just as well find boredom or, worse, repeat her past mistakes?

  10. nathan Says:

    I have also been there, and done that. Twice. I agree with those who say there are no hard and fast rules, but seriously, you need to be careful. And really be willing to ask a lot of questions and listen for both what the person says and also doesn’t say. Neither of the women I dated were truly available. They wanted to move on from their husbands, but that alone doesn’t make someone available for something serious. In both cases, I believe I represented an “out” more so than a potential new partner. And in the more recent case, my own lack of asking enough pointed questions let things drift along for too long.

    So, if you choose to date separated women, don’t get caught up in the good feelings and fantasies that come with many new relationships. Be prepared to ask a lot of questions, to listen closely, and then decide before too many weeks or months go by whether she’s actually available enough or not to keep dating.

  11. Jef Says:

    Would I date someone separated? If I wanted to date someone MARRIED I would go for it. Any woman with two legs, two bumps, three holes and a heartbeat is fair game.

    • sj Says:

      Seriously…what you are doing is enabling an affair, and contributing to the destruction of a marriage. Both are dishonorable acts.

      I understand that the case can be made that the marriage isn’t in great shape if the woman is even considering “dating” you (euphemism intentional). The decision to end the marriage should be based solely on what the marriage is NOT providing, not what any outside relationship *might* provide. And that judgement should be made free of any crazy hopes, dreams, and wishes of how it will be somehow different and better with “the other person”.

      I have watched multiple friends go through the implosion of marriages both with and without outside “assistance”. From my perspective, I hope there is a special place in hell for people who directly contribute to the breakup of the marriage of another.

      • BlazeneverAlways Says:

        Ok bitter? There is no way to equate cheating and breaking up a marriage to dating someone who is getting out of a relationship legally. You might get hurt , lied to ? You might get hurt , lied to by anyone you meet. Having been married and having it not work out doesnt equal = bad person who is not able to love . The only reason people judge is because the skeletons in the divorcing persons closet are out on display . Which makes ALOT of people a little uncomfortable. So go on .. Date people who are not “damaged goods”… If your lucky everyone you meet will never have been with anyone but you, never done anything to veer off the high road in your eyes .. Then when you get together .. You can snicker at the rest of the sinful world.. You know real people. Good luck with that .

    • The Reluctant Monogamist Says:

      I think that some people here need to get their sarcasm meters fixed! Hilarious!

  12. Maria Says:

    Had a girlfriend swear she had moved on after her divorce, got involved with a great guy only to realize about 6 months later that she had never properly grieved for her failed marriage and broke up with the guy. She talked a good game, even had her therapist convinced, but I guess sometimes it’s possible we don’t know ourselves as well as we think. Or she may have been trying to convince herself she was over the marriage. Regardless, I think it’s probably healthier to have some time between a divorce and getting involved again.

  13. spaciousmind Says:

    I am technically still married, just waiting for papers to come through. I’ve been separated since 2008. I can honestly say that I was ready to date because I was the one to exit the marriage, I had wanted out. My divorce dragged out in court over money battles. I think the partner who ends the marriage is probably safer to date than the one who got left behind.

    • Elaine Says:

      I think the age matters here, both of the partners and of the marriage. I’m well into middle age, no minor offspring, my marriage was over 20 years old when my husband said he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore, and it took another year of talking & fighting about it before the split was done. When he moved out, it was well past over. The relationship had run its course. This was 2-3 years ago. Because of joint properties and health insurance, as well as a general disregard for what is now called the “sanctity” of marriage, we didn’t bother with even discussing divorce until very recenty, and that only because he has a girlfriend who doesn’t have a green card, and he wants to be free to marry her.

      I also recently met a man on match, just a little older than I am, who just bought his own house and moved out of his family house a few months ago, and for similar reasons has no plans to legally divorce. I don’t think we’ll have a second date, but only because our interests are too different; I certainly wouldn’t rule him out based on his legal status. Now if I met his ex and she was crazy, or crazy angry, then I’d think twice about him even if we seemed like a good match. Partly because she might make his, and thus my, life a misery, and partly because there’s a chance he might have driven her to it!

      Seriously… the legal status can be a guidepost, but not a be-all end-all, especially later in life when people have practical considerations. You can’t protect yourself from being dumped just by avoiding the separated. You can get dumped for someone new just as easily as for someone old.

    • Lisa Says:

      Yep, this was my experience exactly, right down to the separation/divorce dragging on for 4.5 yrs!

      I ended the marriage and started dating the same week he moved out. I was over it and totally ready to move on. Yes, there was some drama (frustrations w/ the exhusband) that my bfs had to deal with but there was no issue w/ me being confused, still in love, unavailable, rebounding or whatever.

      My last bf really put me thru the wringer over my divorce taking so long. He knew my marital status on our first date…but started feeling some kinda way a couple of months in. And soon was throwing it up in my face on the daily. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that yes, a person can honestly and completely fall out of love w/ a former spouse and love again just as strongly or moreso. He thought he would always be second to my exhusband. And that just wasn’t true! I loved him more than I had ever loved my exhusband but his insecurity over the whole situation drove us into the ground, unfortunately.

      Every situation is different.

      • Sparkle Says:

        I am your bf! Meaning, I keep bringing up that he’s separated and I am trying to be patient and I am running him off, by being scared he doesn’t love me enough or more than her, or that she’s in first place! I believe I screwed up big time, its been 3 days with out him speaking to me, He is so pissed and needs space, but their are other red flags! I want him to tell me when he thinks it will be over at least and not be mad that I am sad he’s still married. Can’t he understand that, if it was reversed it would sting too! Why did you not understand how he was feeling? It hurts to be on the opposite end and not married to them. I am jealous of his ex! I’m so confused part of me is relieved he left me but part is so sad!! :(

  14. Alan Says:

    Is anyone else seeing a demographic pattern here? The older and divorced among us think less of being rigid on this.

  15. BlazeneverAlways Says:

    Hold on ..Everything is not black and white. I am here to tell you .. People stay legally married for MANY reasons and sometimes divorce takes a long time. Most people in that stage are emotionally available for a new relationship . Arguably , better equipped due to having been through the birth and death of a serious commitment. By the time people are awaiting the legal aspect of the divorce to be set in stone.. The love and commitment has been over for a VERY long time . It takes alot of time to work on your marriage: decide to end it: seperate physically and emotionally : seperate/ divide your things : 6 months once filed to be legally over , providing everything is not held up by judges /lawyers. Why should seperated or divorcing people be considered ” off limits” . That man or woman is probably capable of more than someone who got dumped / broke up with someone within the last few months . So .. To anyone wondering.. Base what you do on the individual. Not their circumstance. Everyone has a story. You might miss a wonderful oppurtunity for love by writing off people because of theirs.

  16. Carina Says:

    Separated is still married. Do not go there!

  17. Lisa Says:

    I gotta say, I have dated single, separated and divorced and it isn’t about the legal status or label. Some single men are confirmed bachelors yet date as if they aren’t, some divorced men and women are bitter and miserable, some separated people are done with their marriage emotionally way before some who are divorced. I personally did not date until I was actually divorced, but that was my choice. I don’t judge others by my own rule. I know myself and I think I know the signs of a man who is and is not ready to date. My only rule is eyes wide open. Don’t lie to the other person about where you are at and don’t lie to yourself about where they are at.

  18. Brian Says:

    I made the stupid mistake of getting involved with a woman who was separated from her husband. At first we became friends and then I took her out on a friendly date and some time afterward she and I got very close and began dating. I spoke with her about what she planned on doing about the situation with her husband. She had told me she hated him and that her and her children are better off without him. He was, supposedly, abusive to her. Always beating her. I don’t know if any of that was the truth because I’d never met him, but I was stupid enough to go along with it. We had a lot in common at the beginning. Things seemed to be going our way for the good of the relationship. Then, about a year or so in to the relationship things started to get a bit sour. She admitted to me that she had sex with her husband behind my back, giving me that manipulative excuse that she wanted to see if she still had feelings for him. She said she felt bad about it. She cried about it so, stupid me, I gave her another chance because I loved her. After that, we just couldn’t get along. She stopped having hardly any interest in seeing me. She always had an excuse about why I couldn’t see her and her children. After a while, I just sat at the house after an argument I’d had with her on the phone about her not seeing me and I was thinking that I didn’t want to waste my time with her anymore. So, I broke up with her. It hurt to let go but it’s what had to be done. To all those out there interested in dating a separated person, legally or otherwise, STAY AWAY FROM THEM! You will go through SO MUCH pain and anguish, you won’t be able to stand it. I stayed depressed for two years or so over it. Be smart and find someone single. Someone who can be trusted and isn’t deceitful and a back stabber. You’d be a lot better off.

  19. Dave Says:

    I was separated for 18 months before divorce, it was my choice to not meet anyone, again as another person stated I don’t judge others as that was my choice for me and me only. I think all situations are different, but I would highly advise you to be very careful. So I started dating after the divorce and decided I would make a rule that I would not date a separated woman.

    Then I met a woman, we talked on the phone and hit it off immediately. We met for lunch, again, the connection was incredible. I told her about my rule and she convinced me she was done and through with her husband and gave me just a small bit of what had happened over the years to get her to the point of wanting the divorce. I believed her and not trying to make her sound like she manipulated me, because I believe she was done with him. She had a tattoo of both their names on her body, she had them coved over right after we met. So, understand, I do believe her when she said she was done. We then spent the next couple of months together. We got close in a short time frame, always wanting to see each other.

    Then her husband started begging and pleading her to come back, promises of changes, including the one area that was a big problem, his drinking. Where she did not feel he deserved this chance, she had asked me about why I did some of the things I did, why did I accept my ex wife back a week before our divorce date. I said for several years I waited to hear the things she promised me, I had to know for sure that if she was willing to make these promises then I had to make sure I gave it my 100% effort to keep the marriage and love together. Within weeks of trying to work things out, everything she promised me went out the window and we were divorced a few months later.

    So, this woman, now had this little piece of doubt in her head put there by a spouse of 20 years, and from my mouth to her ears and back from her mouth to my ears she said I have to know I did everything I possible could. she said,” You can say that, I cannot, and I need to be able to”. So just recently we had an emotional conversation stating that she was going to give him the chance because he has never once in all these years said he would stop drinking. I will tell you, I agree with her. I have my selfish desires of wanting to be with this woman and wanting more of how amazing things had been, but I also know that if she had doubt and she didn’t figure that doubt out, that would be a barrier between us forever. There may be regret on her part because she was not a 100% sure. I would say there is high probability that he will fail on his promises, but she needs to know I and completely understand, doesn’t mean I have to like it, but I do get it.

    Her and I dated for just a short time, but we saw each other a lot and became very close in a short time. I would never have believed I could fall for someone that quick, but I did, so never say never. Now, I have to deal with the pains and heart break of breaking my own rule. I would seriously put a lot of thought into being with a separated person.

  20. Mary Says:

    I have been with a “separated” man for 3 years now. He has 2 girls, who are now 18 and 22. He has been paying a huge amount of support, and some of their bills that he says the court ordered him to. The “wife” lives beyond her income, and he continues to give the small amount left in his paycheck for all the extra things like car repairs, prom dresses, year books, etc. He actually took out another loan to finance the car repairs, and another charge card to pay for a huge vet bill! His “wife” actually makes more a year than him!
    I let him live with me for a year early in our relationship, but broke off the relationship and insisted that I didn’t want to continue to be a secret from his girls any longer. He told his girls about me, and made promises that he eventually broke. I have not let him move back into my house, but I continue to pay for him when we go out, and help him out financially with things like motorcycle batteries, etc… I keep track of what I spend, and insist that he pay me back after years of not doing that.
    He filed for divorce through a cheap internet site, and all she had to do is sign the papers. That was 2 years ago, and she talked him into pulling out the divorce so that SHE could file herself due to the divorce not being GOOD ENOUGH from the internet. HE DID! And she hasn’t filed the papers yet, a year later!
    I could go on and on, but in 2 weeks he no longer has to pay support, and I’m waiting to see if he follows through on his promises to me.
    I am a widow of 4 years, and very independant, but regret being so naive to what I was getting myself into. My family has all welcomed him into our family after me “sticking up” for him, but I am NOT allowed to attend his daughters graduation ceremony, because it would UPSET his “wife”.
    His girls do get along with me after a few years of grief, and they joined my surprise birthday party I had for their dad. But his “wife” hates me, and calls me names, which I do not understand since I met him AFTER he left her?
    What should I do?

  21. coffeestop Says:

    My divorce was finalized in March. I was planning on not dating for another year. I suppose if I randomly met somebody I might go out with them so I suppose I might be down with non purposeful dating? When my husband announced he wanted a divorce I immediately went out and got counseling because I was worried my anger and emotional volatility would spill over at work and other areas of my life. Now I am not everybody and everybody is not me but I think dating a newly divorced person is a bad idea. They might not even be aware of the emotions they hare dragging around. In my mind separated people are still technically married and people often make up overly complicated reasons for why they cannot press forward with the divorce.

    I want to make sure when I do start dating I am not “that woman” you know “my ex blah blah” frankly nobody wants to hear it. Even if your ex was the biggest demon in the universe guess what nobody cares. I am at the point where I consider my ex neither enemy nor friend but it took me some time to get there. I figure at my age (49) my prospects are somewhat limited but when I do date I want it to be well…. somewhat fun and it is not fun hanging out with somebody fixated on the past.

    As a newly divorced person, I say, avoid the newly divorced folks in the dating pool. They are either in denial about the emotional work they need to do, too desperate to form another relationship, or have some other deficit they have not faced up to.

    • James Says:

      I am 47 and my prospects are very limited when it comes to available women. And those that are available are less than desirable. I have found that I am much happier not dating anyone.
      I am comfortable in the fact that I probably will not find anyone. Therefore I have given up on dating. I had a horrible marriage to a horrible woman. I am not comfortable around women at all.
      I’m tired of the moochers, bimbos, liars, crazies and the unstable.
      I do not need nor want a woman to be happy.

  22. Francy Says:

    DO NOT EVER get involved with a separated man, (or woman). Separation is a fluff word, at any time they can reconcile with the spouse and leave you completed devestated. If a man really wants out of marriage, he will file for divorce. If he says he is going to, or has an excuse why he hasn’t, it’s because for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to, and he is playing you like a fiddle using you for emotinal and physical gratifcation. I would say only date the guy or girl casually after the divorce is final, but expect that you will be his rebound after the divorce and he or she will wanna play the field for a while, because freedom is something they haven’t felt in years!

    As soon as they say they are separated, no matter how handsome, beautfiul, rich, charming, man or woman of your dreams, understand that that ‘connection’ will ultimatley lead you down a very dark path of self destruction and you will be left all alone to pick up the pieces while he tries to live happily after after with his wife and children. Trust me, I lived it and I will NEVER go back there. Best advice I can ever give you, RUN LIKE HELL!!

  23. James Says:

    I don’t date separated women. Why? Because they’re still married that’s why. They have not moved on from their last relationship and usually they reconcile. I will not be someone’s emotional crutch.

  24. Scott Says:

    Umm, yeah, I can say from experience what many people have already said on the subject of dating separated people. They ARE in rebound mode no matter what they say! Stay away! Do not date anyone that is separated! Be very careful! Run like someone is chasing you with a knife!

    It was the last thing I needed after living through and terrible marriage and then going through a trying divorce. I was just getting back on my feet when I met her. We were set up by her mom of all people, so I had some unearned trust in the situation. I was told they were in the process of a divorce…then she said that her ex hadn’t filed and she just found out about it, but they were going to file soon. Then they were waiting to file for insurance purposes, then waiting to file for tax reasons. To this day approx. 8 months after we broke up they still haven’t filed anything and I just saw them out together the other day. Her mom still says that they don’t want to get back together. Geez.

    They will be in a rebound mode and you have a 99% chance of being rebounded. Here are some helpful posts regarding rebound relationships that I copied from another board:

    Post #1
    Because I have been on the receiving end of a ‘rebounder’ twice now and have finally learnt my lesson. It is so painful finally realising you were being used, even if the rebounder themselves truly believed at the time that you were just what they had been looking for all their lives…they are only fooling themselves as well as you. The pace they go into the relationship is fast, telephoning every night, texting several times a day, wanting to spend all their time with you. In retrospect, that is because they are filling a gap and they were used to doing all of this with the there is a huge void for them to fill…painful nights spent alone…nobody to text funny experiences to …or share things with and you … I’m afraid… are the replacement. In theory …you are second best… sure…they may promise you a future together..even believing it themselves cuz they are swept along with this fantasy that stops them from being alone and hurt or recognising their faults in that breakup.

    Once you have been there for them, listened to them, restored their confidence both in and out of bed, boosted their self esteem and made them feel good about themselves again they will almost certainly either go back to the ex (the one that they swore they no longer wanted), forgetting you completely and leaving you with the same void from this whirlwind romance that they experienced, or move on to someone else. Sorry if I sound a little negative but I’m trying to stop you making the same mistakes. Unless you can go into it with this in mind and without getting too involved…avoid it at all costs. …..If you wanted to be a relationship counsellor or a sex therapist then you would have got paid for it!! …Believe me….do yourself a favour…..You deserve better!!

    Post #2
    They don’t work because you end up playing the role of what I’d call a “placekeeper”;someone to fill the void but probably just keeping the place until he finds what he really wants. I don’t think that it’s good for one’s ego to do that type of charity work. The person is there mentally 100% for you and may never be.

    I just ended a three month relationship with a guy on the rebound who apparently needed longer than 5 months to get over his ex who moved far away to “see other people”

    I definitely will ask pointedly when dating from now on if my date has recently broken up from a relationship or has any ties to former partners. If answer is in the affirmative, I’ll head for the hills and go do charity work for the homeless or some other productive cause and leave the caretaking of a rebounder to someone else.

    A few things I’ve noticed with rebounders:
    1. Your date’s abode seems to have an air of being stopped in time and has a museum-like quality (keeps it like the day he/she left)
    2. There are photos around of the two of them
    3. Your date uses a reverant tone when mentioning the ex
    4. They still own some joint property
    5. There are excuses to keep contact with ex (“emergencies”)
    6. Your date volunteers to work excessive hours at work (filling time to avoid being alone)
    7. Your dates have a planned quality to them.

  25. Hmmmm, Says:

    I am single, never married, middle aged with no children. A very attractive, interesting, engaging guy came into my life a month ago and I hit it off with him immediately. I saw him three times and was so happy because we had so much in common and I felt so comfortable with him. The third time we visited, he told me that he wasnt available for a close relationship. I was so disappointed. Had I acted too eager? Did I say the wrong thing? Perhaps I should have been more coy. A friend suggested I check his background. He has been legally separated for over ten years. While still disappointed Im realizing people have their reasons and I am not blaming myself. I respect him for telling me he was unavailable, however, I wonder why on earth people want to remain half connected and still partially committed for that long? Perhaps its financial but surely it would take a toll on a person being tied up like that–unfinished business? Life gets more convoluted and complicated with age.

  26. Daisy Says:

    I am separated and have been for just 2 years. We have not divorced as we had to wait 2 years by law, however as soon as we split, we did a legal separation order which sorted out all the finanaces, I remortgaged and bought the house etc. So as far as divorce is concerned, everything has been sorted 2 years ago and its simply doing the paperwork now the time is up. There is no emotional tie whatsoever and we have both moved on with our own lives a long time ago…..I am certainly NOT in rebound just because my status is “separated”

    I am now in a new relationship and very happy. I guess if a legal separtion order is not in place or children are involved it could get messy if either party are in a new relationship – but hey, surely adults can be amicable? Should that really put you off if you really like the person?. But, if like me, it is over and done with, clean and easy from the start, there is no reason for concern for future relationships.

    I do agree if the split is fairly new and you feel there may be a chance that the person is not over it, then discuss it… each case is entirely different.

    What im saying is dont tarnish us all with the same brush….just because a divorce isnt final, doesnt mean we are all incapable of having a new long term relationship. In fact, I think what I have learned from my 1st marriage\split has made me appreciate my new partner so much more :)

  27. Confusing Says:

    I met my boyfriend online over a year ago, he listed divorced. I have been divorced since 2007 and raise my kids on my own, ex took off. I was ready last year to find someone to spend my life with. I hit it off with boyfriend immediately, he was everything I wanted, and I was everything he wanted. He broke up with me 6 months later not letting me know why. I went after him to find out a week later. He finally told me it was my kids (he never had any), he doesn’t bond with kids. But told me he was legally separated not divorced like he said since 2010. I was so in love, I told him we can work out the kid issue and we got back together. I found out 5 months after the reunite that he was back on dating sites even though we were spending every day together. I broke up with him. He swore he wasn’t sure about my kids, but the thought of losing me was so much, he realized I was the one for him after all. Now we are talking marriage, he still won’t move in, not ready for marriage but still talks about it, says we are forever but hasn’t filed divorce (she is living in another state with a man and he won’t divorce her because he will have to pay her health insurance which will break him because she is a hypocontriac) yet they still text and talk as friends. She is on his health insurance. I told him he MUST get divorced to be with me. He said he originally lied to me because he knew I wouldn’t date him if I knew he wasn’t divorced. My financial and emotional house is in order. Now I’m very much in love, no trust due to the online profiles behind my back even though he says he never met with anyone because he was with me every night. The flags say run. My heart breaks when I think of leaving him but I don’t see any future even though he is so loving toward me. I don’t know what to do.

  28. Confusing Says:

    And by the way, my kids are 16 and 18, girls, the 18 year old is self sufficient and the 16 year old is almost self sufficient. They have their friends, they’re always busy with projects. They’re not little handfuls…

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      He’s not bothered by your kids. That’s a lie.
      His wife isn’t a hypochondriach. That’s a lie.
      He’s not divorced. That’s a lie.

      He will not be divorced. He will never marry you. He’s a lying liar who lies.

      You’re welcome.

      • Confusing Says:

        I probably needed that. I fell in love with him before I found all of this out. I opened my heart for the first time because I knew I needed to do that to find true love with him. I am having very large issues learning to close it. I’m angry and still love him. It taught me to not open my heart.

  29. ron Says:

    Getting involved with someone either not available or recently broken up is a huge mistake.It takes at least a year for emotional wounds to heal.If they are dating right after a break up it’s to try to run from the old relationship.Don’t be that emotional rescuer.Just tell that person to get a hold of you in six months if they are still single.There’s an 80% chance they will reconcille with their past relationship in alot of cases.Then you will be left broken hearted.Got to give people a chance to let the smoke clear before jumping into a new relationship.Commen sense people,better to date someone that has been on their own at least a year or two by that time they have had enough time to let the drama go from their past so they can be fair to you.They will be ready and stronger for you than emotionally damaged goods….

    • Lisa Says:

      A year to heal? An 80% chance of reconciling? They are only dating to run from the old relationship? Where are you getting this stuff?????? It’s pure BS. You can’t generalize about something like that.

  30. Susie Says:

    The reality is as people age and continue to date, they will likely meet men and women who are separated or divorced and/or have kids. Some people call it baggage but what it really is, is life experiences accumulated through the years. Is there a risk dating someone who had a failed marriage? Yes. Is there a risk dating anyone who had failed relationship? Yes. Have we all had failed relationships at some point? Yes. So in a since, everyone is a risk. Instead of creating a risk analysis for a hypothetical separated/divorced person you haven’t yet met, just go with your gut and take a chance. Remember that when you’re middle age you can’t approach dating like you did in your twenties. Different game, different venue.

  31. ronny Says:

    Before i would get involved with anyone these days you should be sure they still don’t have any emotional baggage from their past relationship.Someone seperated is still someone married.I would tell that person not to start dating until their divorce is final.Then even ,give themselves time to clear their head of what they just went through,usually a year or so before they jump back into the dating scene.Once dated a girl who went through a tough break up just to find out she was still in contact with her ex.Told her goodbye,she wasn’t ready for a new relationship.Don’t be the rebound guy,you will be dealing with damaged goods that’s for sure.

  32. ronny Says:

    In response to susie,just going by personal experience and what I’ve seen friends go through.Im not generalizing ,just stating what usually happens.Just like 50% of marriages end in divorce,it’s true.Am i generalizing ,yes,but it’s true,generally speaking.Bottom line date someone available( not seperated ) someone who emotionally isn’t still hurt or on the rebound from their past relationship.

    • Lisa Says:

      Ppl can do what they want (including making a decision not to a person whose divorce isn’t final) but just know “separated” does not necessarily equal “hurt” or “rebound.”

  33. Andrew Says:

    My marriage was failing more than a year before the separation. We are a couple months in and haven’t made it official, largely because of our kids. I think there is a difference between random dating, which I don’t care for, and a new, committed relationship. I think I moved on emotionally a while ago, but I still need to be careful the person I want to be with isn’t just filling a hole. That’s true for all of us, not just the separated.

  34. Patti Says:

    I am currently just separated and my husband is already on a dating sight. We split in February after a major blow up. He has anger issues. He got on a dating sight then but We tried to work things out and he moved back in and cancelled the dating site. at the time, he wasnt even a paid member and didnt even have a profile and he could not get out of his apartment lease. In October, he had another blow up and moved back into his apartment. Last month, he got back on the dating site but actually had pictures posted and had reached out to women. When we were still trying to talk, he cancelled it, but one day, just last week, when I asked him about it, he said he cancelled it and wasnt talking to anyone, becuase I questioned him again just to be sure, he freaked out and lashed out at me via text. This is what he always does. We havent spoken for a week and he is back on there now. I dont understand why he is doing this? It to me is one of two things or both.. he is pushing down his emotions and looking to get attention from other women to make him feel better AND knows I will probably find out and is doing this to hurt me. This is so hard for me and I am trying to find my way on my own. I just couldnt do this as I am trying to heal from him doing this and leaving me.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Third option: You don’t factor into this at all because he doesn’t care about you. Jesus. Move on. He’s obviously over it and wants out.

    • wishing u well Says:

      You know, now is a good time to get a solid therapist to help you process all of the recent events and help you figure out what YOU want for yourself based on the only thing you can control: your own actions. And you have some healing and regrouping to do. Please make sure you have a solid support system around you. And above all: I wish you well.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      What they said, plus why do you wanna work it out with an anger management case, anyway? Is it more about fear of being alone?

    • Goldie Says:

      Hi Patti, hope you’ll see this. Google Getting Past Your Breakup. It’s a self-help book/support group for people in situations like yours. That should help you tremendously + a therapist. Also, you can’t heal from him leaving when you are tracking him on dating sites. You need to cut all contact with this guy. He no longer exists in your life. For the better, I might add.

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