Age: http: 38
Comment: When do you reveal to a lady that you’ve had a vasectomy? During my previous marriage, the ex and I agreed to have no kids so ‘snip-snip’. Unfortunately we divorced 2 years ago and now I am back on the dating scene.
I’ve purposely targeted online women who want no kids or say they aren’t sure while I make sure to highlight in my profile that I don’t want kids as an option.
For the last three ladies I saw, I revealed my vasectomy around date 3 before anything got hot and heavy. The reaction among all three was to nix the dating process right there, even though they had stated they were waffling on kids. One lady pretty much said she may not want kids, but she wants to retain the ‘option’ of it in case she changes her mind, and my vasectomy would not allow her to do that.
Being a red blooded male and going through a long drought, I’m tempted to not reveal this in the future so early in a relationship until after doing the dastardly deed. Anything wrong with this and when is the proper time to reveal this issue?
If you’re not looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage or something more long term, then I don’t see the need in bringing this up at all other than when discussing birth control. And in that case you still wouldn’t need to bring it up as long as you and she were taking the appropriate precautions.
If you are looking for a relationship that could lead to long term commitment, then I’d say to focus on women that don’t want kids and who say so. Granted, many women don’t want children but still say they “might” want kids because they don’t want to look cold in some way. So you’d be shooting yourself in the foot if you excluded that group of women. My advice is to state in your profile that you don’t plan on having children. (Don’t mention the vasectomy. That’ll just open up a can of worms.) You don’t have to verbally write it out. Just select the appropriate check box. That’s it. Then you don’t have to reveal anything. You’ve covered your bases. If you sleep with a woman and you date for a few months and the kids issue comes up, you can point to your ad and say, “I said in my profile that I don’t want kids.” She has no argument. Let her feel misled all she likes. She chose to go out with you knowing where you stood on the issue.
Should a woman ask why you don’t want children, just say that that’s a decision you made a while ago and parenting is not for you. That’s it. Any woman who asks such a question is, and I hate to admit this, testing you. Sher wants to see a) if there’s anything wrong with you and b) how flexible you might be on the issue. It’s really none of her business.
If these women who “might” want kids are going out with you when your profile says you don’t want kids, then you’re better off rid of them. That in and of itself explains why they’re single. They want their cake and want to eat it, too. They want to date around and be picky and refuse to settle and go after the wrong guys and go on date after date after date. They also want the option of being considered by the men their age or younger. Can’t have it both ways, ladies.
I understand why people say maybe. They do it for the same reason that people lie about their age or height – to be included in searches. Women over 37 or so don’t want to say “Yes” or “Definitely” because they fear men will think they have baby fever. They’re being cautious.
Waffling on this point after age 35 is usually indicative of other issues. Issues that definitely need to be addressed before they even consider entering in to a relationship.
So, IA, my advice is to let your profile do the talking for you. Contact women who say “maybe” or who admit they might wants kids. If they read your profile and think they’ll change you, that’s on them. If you meet someone and reconsider your decision to have kids, then look in to whether or not you can get the process reversed before bringing it up. You don’t owe any of these women full disclosure as long as you’re being up front in your profile. The why you don’t want kids is irrelevant. Should you feel that things are headed in a serious direction, THEN bring it up just to be sure you and the woman are on the same page. But before that? No. You don’t owe them any further explanation.