Does He Tell Them He’s Been Snipped?

Name: IA
State: MA
Age: http: 38
Comment: When do you reveal to a lady that you’ve had a vasectomy?  During my previous marriage, the ex and I agreed to have no kids so ‘snip-snip’.  Unfortunately we divorced 2 years ago and now I am back on the dating scene.
I’ve purposely targeted online women who want no kids or say they aren’t sure while I make sure to highlight in my profile that I don’t want kids as an option.
For the last three ladies I saw, I revealed my vasectomy around date 3 before anything got hot and heavy.  The reaction among all three was to nix the dating process right there, even though they had stated they were waffling on kids.  One lady pretty much said she may not want kids, but she wants to retain the ‘option’ of it in case she changes her mind, and my vasectomy would not allow her to do that.
Being a red blooded male and going through a long drought, I’m tempted to not reveal this in the future so early in a relationship until after doing the dastardly deed.  Anything wrong with this and when is the proper time to reveal this issue?

If you’re not looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage or something more long term, then I don’t see the need in bringing this up at all other than when discussing birth control. And in that case you still wouldn’t need to bring it up as long as you and she were taking the appropriate precautions.

If you are looking for a relationship that could lead to long term commitment, then I’d say to focus on women that don’t want kids and who say so. Granted, many women don’t want children but still say they “might” want kids because they don’t want to look cold in some way. So you’d be shooting yourself in the foot if you excluded that group of women. My advice is to state in your profile that you don’t plan on having children. (Don’t mention the vasectomy. That’ll just open up a can of worms.) You don’t have to verbally write it out. Just select the appropriate check box. That’s it.  Then you don’t have to reveal anything. You’ve covered your bases. If you sleep with a woman and you date for a few months and the kids issue comes up, you can point to your ad and say, “I said in my profile that I don’t want kids.” She has no argument. Let her feel misled all she likes. She chose to go out with you knowing where you stood on the issue.

Should a woman ask why you don’t want children, just say that that’s a decision you made a while ago and parenting is not for you. That’s it. Any woman who asks such a question is, and I hate to admit this, testing you. Sher wants to see a) if there’s anything wrong with you and b) how flexible you might be on the issue. It’s really none of her business.

If these women who “might” want kids are going out with you when your profile says you don’t want kids, then you’re better off rid of them. That in and of itself explains why they’re single.  They want their cake and want to eat it, too. They want to date around and be picky and refuse to settle and go after the wrong guys and go on date after date after date.  They also want the option of being considered by the men their age or younger. Can’t have it both ways, ladies.

I understand why people say maybe. They do it for the same reason that people lie about their age or height – to be included in searches. Women over 37 or so don’t want to say “Yes” or “Definitely” because they fear men will think they have baby fever. They’re being cautious.

Waffling on this point after age 35 is usually indicative of other issues. Issues that definitely need to be addressed before they even consider entering in to a relationship.

So, IA, my advice is to let your profile do the talking for you. Contact women who say “maybe” or who admit they might wants kids. If they read your profile and think they’ll change you, that’s on them. If you meet someone and reconsider your decision to have kids, then look in to whether or not you can get the process reversed before bringing it up. You don’t owe any of these women full disclosure as long as you’re being up front in your profile. The why you don’t want kids is irrelevant. Should you feel that things are headed in a serious direction, THEN bring it up just to be sure you and the woman are on the same page. But before that? No. You don’t owe them any further explanation.

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33 Responses to “Does He Tell Them He’s Been Snipped?”

  1. myself Says:

    There are women who say they don’t want kids and mean it. I am proof positive….and there must be more of us out there.

    I dated a guy who had also had a vasectomy, and, because I try to make it clear to men that I will not be having kids…ever (guys don’t always believe women that state that on dating profiles, especially when they’re 32)….well turned out he wanted to make it clear that he couldn’t have any kids, came up very early but was welcomed by both of us. I think if the woman is being truthful….she wouldn’t be upset by it.

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    • Howard Says:

      Good to hear that you are clear about what you want. Unfortunately people don’t clearly think through what they want, hence the result the OP experienced. Or they do something completely different from what they claim to be their nature, when faced with actual reality. People say they don’t discriminate in dating but when faced with a successful good looking person of another race, they find ways to exclude that person. Their discrimination was always there but denial was to best way to pacify their conscience.

      Someone may say that they don’t date outside their ethnicity or they don’t date short guys. They encounter someone wealthy and easy to interrelate with, and all that goes out the window. So the most important thing was always wealth and easy to relate to, not anything to do with short or same ethnicity. Or they encounter someone really good looking that changes everything. In that case, good looking was always the key criteria.

      There is also the underlying subtext of a man not fully being a man, if he no longer has the ability to reproduce. So even though some women may say they don’t want to have kids, when faced with a guy who has been snipped, it kinda turns them off. If he told them this after they have had sex few times then it’s a different proposition. I think the same applies to men. He may say he doesn’t want kids and meet a young lady who has been snipped. If he gets to really liking her then the snipped suddenly may become a problem. Women seem to have a problem upfront and men later in the game.

      I suppose it feeds into the paradigm of women overly gatekeeping upfront and men overly gatekeeping after the fact.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      There are women who say they don’t want kids and mean it.
      I’m sure there are. However, there are also plenty of women who do want kids but say they don’t or “maybe” want kids because they think (probably correctly) doing so will make them more attractive to men–and they’ll have years to work on changing his mind (or simply get pregnant by “accident”).

      I don’t know the relative percentages of either type, but savvy men are going to assume a woman who says she doesn’t want kids is in the latter camp until proven otherwise, eg. by getting herself sterilized.

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      • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

        Of all the women I have known personally who said they didn’t want kids and been a parent in some form (even a step-mom type in a long lasting relationship), all have changed their minds by their late 30s.

        On eHarmony I found that many women who said they didn’t want kids would respond to the standard question of “what does your ideal life look like?” with having a family. I asked a couple of them about the apparent contradiction. All basically said if they found the right guy they wanted to have kids with him, but if not they were OK not having kids.

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  2. lalalatte Says:

    Agreed, be clear in your profile that you don’t want kids and leave it at that. If a women thinks she can change your mind she’ll probably want to change other things about you too. Next!

    On a side note I’m a women who has never wanted kids. I’ve ended up on dates with men who thought they could change my mind. One gentlemen on a first date brought up the subject of having kids in the next year and I said “not with me” and he boldly said “I can change your mind” at that point I said “Thanks” left a $20 on the table to cover my glass of wine and walked out the door.

    Dating is hard enough when you’re just trying to find a good and decent person to connect with, throw in the arrogant people who think, no, *WANT* to change you and dating gets even more daunting.

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  3. icara Says:

    If you’re 38, that means women just a few years older are at the end of their childbearing years, and can’t afford to be sitting on the fence if they think they might want kids. I don’t know what age you’re targeting, but my guess is that women slightly older than you are going to be a lot clearer on this issue than those slightly (or a lot) younger.

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    • Elaine Says:

      Oh yes. And if you’re willing to go 10 years older than yourself, sir, you will find many women whose kids are already grown and gone. Think GILF instead of MILF!

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    • Selena Says:

      Are you open to dating women who already have kids? They are the one’s who are most likely to be confident about not wanting to have any more. That fact you’ve had a vasectomy means birth control isn’t totally on them, and there is the upside of not having step-kids (and their mothers) to deal with. Very attractive.

      I can understand how you might feel revealing your vasectomy may be preventing you from getting laid, but have you considered the alternative scenario? You get laid, you (and she) get attached – you tell her about your vasectomy and there is considerable emotional fallout – perhaps a breakup. Unless you are just looking for something casual – and you are upfront about that – you are better off being honest early on and letting those women who “want to keep the option” bail. Save some heartache down the road for both of you.

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  4. Kay Says:

    Wait a minute…

    ‘Contact women who say “maybe” or who admit they might wants kids. If they read your profile and think they’ll change you, that’s on them.’

    So does that mean that he’s hoping to change these women, to push them to the side of ‘not having children’? Because if they’re unsure and he’s so sure, why mutty the waters? Why contact them if he knows that they may fall on either side while he may not?

    Why else would he contact a woman who might want children if he may not want any at all? So, months later when the kid thing comes up and he point out the ‘lack of interest’ in his profile, I’ll point out the ‘maybe’ in mine.

    I’m on the fence, haven’t decided, but if a man who ‘does not want kids’ contact me, a woman who ‘may want kids’, I’d think he’d be open to having kids. However, if I contact a man, knowing he doesn’t want kids, then he can throw the ‘remember my profile’ line in my face. Else, I’d be thinking he’s on the fence as well.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      They don’t have to reply to him, you know.

      The reason he should contact women who say they “might” want kids is because many women his age and older select “might” when they really mean “no.”

      If their desire to have kids is so strong that they wouldn’t go out with someone who said they didn’t want kids, then they should select “yes” instead of maybe. But if they’re truly on the fence, they should still meet the guy. If having kids was a priority, they’d have had them by that point or at least wouldn’t be thinking “maybe.”

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      • Philly Gal Says:

        I’m one of the women who has selected “maybe” when, in truth, I don’t want children. Why? Because selecting “no I don’t want kids” will remove me from more searches online than a maybe. I’ve found that men tend to make assumptions about a woman who straight up says no and I’d prefer the chance to get to know someone and have that VERY PERSONAL discussion 1 on 1.

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      • Jaclyn Says:

        The women who select might be willing to have children might be trying to suggest that they are interested in dating a divorced man who already has children. They might be wiling to be a stepmother to older children when the dad has custody part time, but they do not want to have their own children. A woman in her late 30s or 40s would be excluding a lot of her potential dating pool if she was unwilling to date men with children.

        I don’t think it is your responsibility to discern what these women’s goals are – your responsibility is to be honest (by checking off the box stating that you are not interested in having kids) and let them decide whether or not they want to be in a relationship with you.

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        • just_me Says:

          Some women are truly ambivalent about having kids, maybe it depends on the man she is with.

          By the time I got to my mid-late 30′s (and was still single) I figured it was more important to pick a suitable life partner than a potential father for my potential future children. If I found a great guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and he did NOT want kids (or already had kids), I was OK with that, I had built a great kid-free existence (friends, travel, hobbies, volunteer activities, etc) that we could continue to enjoy. Maybe I’m weird, but I did not want to have kids with a guy I thought would not be a good parent, either (I’ve seen too many dysfunctional fathers out there-it’s really hard for both the kids and the moms in these situations).

          If I met a man who DID want kids, then I was OK with that too (fortunately having had a great kid-free life so far, I figured wouldn’t feel resentful having to miss out on certain things since I had already done them). By the time I met my husband, I was leaning towards no kids (since I was pushing 40 YO, enjoyed expensive, kid-unfriendly hobbies, etc) . But as that was a deal-breaker for him, I agreed to have kids because I would rather be with him (and have kids) than not be with him. And so we got married and had kids, and I’ve never regretted it.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      The “might” category regarding potential children isn’t a bad idea. As Moxie says, all the woman has to do is say no. When I had that status on an online dating profile, I met and dated someone who informed me that he underwent a prior vasectomy procedure. He informed me of this around date three, and I let him know that it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me. I did appreciate the honesty and was thrilled at the idea of not having to worry about being on chemical protection to prevent a possible pregnancy. He even showed me the paperwork associated with the vasectomy (and no, I didn’t ask to see the paperwork). However, I did ask why he saw it fit to show it to me. He answered that it was to reaffirm his seriousness in his decision not to have children, lest there be any doubts on the woman’s part. As per him, he had a few experiences with women who initially said that they accepted his vasectomy, but after dating for several months, they began to pressure him about his willingness to change his mind and reverse the procedure down the road so that they could have children together. He described it as being an unpleasant experience. .

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  5. Ed Says:

    This reminded me of something I read on craigslist awhile back. Here’s a link:

    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

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  6. Angeline Says:

    The only thing I’d add to this is if something becomes exclusive, and she’s on chemical birth control, you could tell her so she can stop taking it. Completely aside from STD protection, she might be delighted to get off the pill or the patch or implants or IUD.

    Also, I didn’t catch whether the OP has kids already? I always felt a little relieved when the “no kids” was checked, and some one-line version of “already had kids, done with that” was in the profile text. It was more certain, more in common with me, more likely to be true rather than defensive profiling.

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  7. JS Says:

    To the OP, you may also want to consider women who have already had kids who are grown or almost grown. A woman your age (38) could easily a 16 or 18 yr old kid who is away at college or will be in a year or two.

    At which point, most women in that situation are so happy to have “their life back” sotospeak that you dont have to worry (as much) that they will want children in the future. Yes, of course there is the rare exception of the woman who wants the “change of life” baby after raising her older kids but that is the exception not the rule.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Except he doesn’t want kids. At all. If he did want kids, he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy. Someone who goes that far to prevent having children probably isn’t the best candidate for someone with kids of any age.

      I have a feeling that if this letter came from a woman who had her tubes tied and someone suggested she date a man with teenaged kids, somebody would pipe in about how unfair it is that the woman has to compromise.

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      • Angeline Says:

        Which briings to mind another reason people might click one thing and mean another. I remember wondering if clicking “doesn’t want kids” would come across that I wasn’t open to accepting his kids. I just didn’t want to birth any more. Which is why I’m in favor of a brief line or two in the profile to elaborate. But your point not to explain why or be defensive is a good one.

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        • Selena Says:

          Perhaps dating sites should add a box addressing the fact there are those who don’t want to *create* any /more children, but are open to dating those who already have them. :) Lot’s of possibilities beyond Yes, No, Maybe.

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      • JS Says:

        Unless the kid is living at home and going to college, I don’t really see how a woman having a kid in college is really going to impact his life.

        And for the record, if it were a woman, I would be of the same opinion, you can’t get EVERYTHING you want in a prospective bf/gf. And discounting someone (male or female) because they have a “child” who is 100s or 1000s of miles away seems a bit overly picky to me.

        And it would up to the OP to weigh the negative of an absentee child against all other positive traits that the potential gf brings to the table. But I dont think what I suggested is a terrible or unrealistic problem-solve.

        Or I could suggest he could date women in their mid40s who definitely can’t have kids or their kids are fully grown, out of college independant, but then I am sure I would bombarded by comments from men telling me how men are really only attracted to sweet, young things (and those young women usually want kids or are still open to the possibility)….no one can have it both ways.

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        • MA Says:

          There are people in the world who simply don’t want to deal with a significant other who has children, regardless of the children’s ages.

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      • Selena Says:

        The letter doesn’t state he doesn’t want kids- At all. Maybe that’s true, but I got the impression the decision to have a vasectomy was made with his now ex-wife during THEIR relationship. If he hadn’t been married to her, would he have had the procedure?

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  8. Gorbachev Says:

    The issue wasn’t whether or not this guy’s choice was good or not. Some people just don’t want kids – men and women. If we celebrate a woman’s right to choose, then we should be just as enthusiastic about a man’s absolute right to choose – without the faintest whiff of being judged. This is what we’re told to do with women.

    The issue is this: Many women put “maybe” up to get more responses so they can be ultra choosy and get more options presented to them. Some of them will be men who don’t want kids. But if one of these men is the best choice for other reasons, many women think he can be finagled into providing kids, too.

    It’s about a woman maximizing her choices.

    That’s fine. But a guy with a vasectomy need only say he doesn’t want kids.

    In fact, I think he’s under no obligations whatsoever – whatsoever – to ever indicate he’s had this operation unless the women says she suddenly wants kids. At which point, he’s still free to not tell her but just restate:

    “I don’t want kids.”

    Period.

    On precisely the same score, a woman who’s had her tubes tied has exactly that obligation. It’s the same both ways..

    There is no obligation to provide for all the choices of a woman who is only trying to maximize her choice and retain power over that option.

    neither side has the slightest obligation (as in duty) to reveal this to the other partner so long as they articulate the “not having kids” wish. Ever. They can choose to do so – but this is entirely a free choice and there’s no dishonesty by not doing so.

    I explained this to a female friend about ten years ago. She got married to a guy a few years older than her who already had one child from a previous marriage. He expressly wanted no more kids. She claimed not to be even slightly interested in kids – not for a moment. He was unequivocal.

    Their relationship was great for abut 5 years, until he informed her that he’d had a vasectomy. It changed nothing – they planned for no kids, which he assumed, and he wanted to make sure, because he’d never changed his opinion for a moment. Apparently, neither had she.

    She exploded in anger. She had actually been debating having kids, without discussing it with him. He later discovered she’d voluntarily gone off the pill months before, thus removing his ability to choose for him She was mystified as to why she wasn’t yet pregnant. And now she never could be.

    They separated and divorced immediately. She was pregnant within two years. Last I spoke to him she’s apparently a single mom; she’s reached out to him to see if they can heal their rift, and he’s absolutely uninterested.

    The whole area of women’s choice and pregnancy is a minefield for men. Men have no real power in this issue. This is why I’m very literal and absolute when it comes to interpreting this kind of question:

    I examine it through the lens of absolute honesty of intention, and calling both men and women on it. The guy in this letter above is honest: He wants NO kids. Ever. The only difference between him and another guy a woman could date is this: He can’t be hornswaggled into having kids if he doesn’t want them. That’s it. Also, should the woman change her mind, which likely means this was her purpose all along and she was just playing Maximal Dating Choices, then she’s being fundamentally dishonest herself and has no right to say boo to the guy for not coughing up this fact.

    Dishonesty works both ways.

    STWYS is dead right: the women dropping the guy immediately are trying to have their cake and eat it too.

    Wretched.

    I’m beginning to think the author has a pretty sharp moral compass.

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  9. mari Says:

    I don’t think the OP should date women with kids in college – kids in college or grown are still kids – they show up for holidays, move back in during life crisis, need money, time, babysitting for their kids, etc..Having grown kids does not eliminate all of their needs. Needs to find a women who doesn’t want kids either – think part of the issue is that he is 38 and assuming he is dating women in the 32-36 range, the “ticking clock age”, he will meet women who are on the fence, but would still like the option That said..there are LOTS of women out there – and think stating clearly in profile, and in person if it comes up, that he doesn’t want kids, is adequate disclosure for early on..

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    • Selena Says:

      Mari,
      The things you mention about grown kids are possibilities. Not on par though, with entertaining children, disciplining children, helping with homework, participating in school fundraisers, going to kid sporting events, chauffeuring them to activities and arranging one’s weekends according the the children’s availability and schedules. (And the potential friction of dealing with their mothers.) Just a few of the responsibilities that come with raising kids…and being involved with someone who is raising kids.

      By age 44, 80% of women in the US have children. That still leaves a huge number of those who don’t. It’s just a matter of meeting them, and hopefully finding just one compatible enough to connect with. Women who really don’t want children, can’t have them, or have some, but don’t want any more are not going to be put off by a man’s vasectomy. They will see it as a positive – he’s serious about not wanting to create children. That’s IA’s target market – not the women who check *Unsure* because they feel they might want a child with “the right guy” someday. The women who will reject a guy because he’s had a vasectomy- revealed on date 3- are not going to be happy to learn about it after weeks or months dating. If someone is going to reject you for something you can’t – or WON’T – change, wouldn’t you rather find that out when early on when they are a relative stranger? Opposed to later when you’ve developed stronger feelings for them? Why wouldn’t you reveal something as basic as sterilization if you don’t want children? It’s not something to be ashamed of – why hide it – even by omission?

      Point is: know what kind of life you want for yourself. Know your market, and be aware of it’s size. Evaluate whether it’s worth it to you – or not – to fish in a bigger pond (ie: date people with children – of whatever age).

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      • Selena Says:

        To the original poster IA,

        You wrote you highlighted in your profile the fact you don’t want children. I’m curious how you worded that; since women who obviously want to retain the option of having a child are agreeing to go out with you. As a person who can’t have any more children, and doesn’t want to help raise someone else’s – a statement in a profile along the lines of “I enjoy my childf-free life and would like to meet someone to share it with” would appeal to me.

        Checking the Don’t Want Kids box is apparently not enough to deter those who want to procreate for some reason.

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  10. Anne Says:

    As usual, another male bleephole who just wants to use us for sex! In case you haven’t gotten it, buddy, we are NOT your bleeping sex playthings! You will LIE, CHEAT and be the SCUMBAGS that you are simply to get in our pants!

    You are OLD enough to KNOW that we, as the female gender, responsible for CARRYING LIFE INTO THIS PLANET, might not want children now, primarily because we can’t find a REAL MAN who is CAPABLE OF LOVING and who has the HONOR AND MORALS TO BE MONOGAMOUS! However, that does not mean that we will always be on the fence because as our BIOLOGICAL CLOCK ticks away and our brain and our heart tells us that we want a child (whether it is nature calling or simply the desire to experience being a mom, or both), we might very well decide that we do want a baby.

    GOT IT?! Probably not – your southern brain is all you can “think” with and your heart is frozen. Nothing new there.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 13

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  11. Rizzo Says:

    Anne,

    You’re being over-the-top crazy. The OP is not lying to women. Not one not abd if you think that you’re being lied to then its you who is lying to yourself. Any woman who thinks she can change a man’s thinking about the matter is only lying to herself. You’re confusing your expectations with reality. If the man has a vasectomy and tells the lady he doesn’t want kids, then he DOES NOT want kids. Go be a single mom by gettin pregnant by some other guy somewhere else !

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  12. Lele Says:

    Hahahaha, women! He said he didn’t want kids, and women ignored him, thinking they could manipulate him into having kids if they so wish. Good job in exposing those con women, Moxie!

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