I’ve been dating this guy for the past 3 weeks. He seems sweet and shy. When we are together we have a great time and are able to hold great conversations. The chemistry seems to be there as he makes suggestions to hold my hand when we are walking around during our dates and the kissing just gives me the butterflies in my stomach. However….two main issues have been a bit troublesome for me. After our 1st date he suggested we take turns paying for our dates. That was a big WOW for me. I am a very giving person and tend to help out on paying for dates but after 3 or 4 dates have passed. Well, long story short I agreed to it. Especially since he spoke with me about his past dates taking advantage of him financially and his last girlfriend was dependent on him financially. He basically paid her personal bills. This is new for me but it seems taking turns paying for our outings has eased him. The bigger issue for me is that he is dating other women, including me. I know that we are not exclusive but… I have been use to the one on one dating routine I have had with other men. I have been use to that if it doesn’t work out well then we can cut our loses and move on to dating others and end things. I had this conversation with him and he states that he prefers to date me and openly date other women because we are not yet exclusive. He states when we are then the situation will be one on one. Am I conservative in my thinking or is it far fetched now a days to expect a guy to do the one on one dating and not date other women until we figure out what can happen between us? – Annabelle, NYC – 38
This is new for me but it seems taking turns paying for our outings has eased him. The bigger issue for me is that he is dating other women, including me.
So, he’s choosing not to spend money on you until you and he are exclusive? Hmmm. That sounds eerily familiar. Where have I heard that before? Oh. Right. From 75% of the women who have written in saying they won’t have sex with a guy until they are exclusive. Now you know how men feel. It’s all feels very quid pro quo, doesn’t it? That’s dating in this city and many others. The man is keeping his options open and refusing to spend too much money on any woman until he decides that he’s ready to be exclusive. What’s funny is that when a man does this, a woman dubs him “cheap.” But when a woman holds off on having sex with a man until she gets exclusivity or a promise of something more, she’s considered “prudent.”
Yes, I think you’re being conservative in your thinking. I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but I can assure you that some if not all of those men you thought were engaging in a “one on one” dating situation weren’t. They just didn’t make the mistake of telling you that. Or they were smart and, if you asked, lied. Just like a woman should skirt the truth if a man asks her the same question. Bottom line is that neither parties want to know.
No guy wants to know that he’s paying for meals and drinks for a woman who is going out with other men who are doing the exact same thing for her. It makes him feel like a fool. And who wants to date a fool? I was reading this blog the other day, the one with the “Nominate a Date” campaign, and questioned out loud how this woman ever thought she would find a guy perfectly okay with knowing she was being treated to expensive outings by various men. We all know that the people we date are probably dating others. Especially if we meet them online. But we don’t want to know it. It makes it harder for us to justify spending the money or having the sexy time.
There are some questions that just should not be asked this soon in the dating process. “Are you dating anyone else” would be one of them. Any person who asks that question or offers up that information so soon in the dating process has very poor dating skills. So take note and heed that warning.
I am a very giving person and tend to help out on paying for dates but after 3 or 4 dates have passed.
Right. And guys prefer that they get to get a blow job before they pay for 3 or 4 dates. Crass? Yes. Honest? Yes. Point? It’s not all about you.
I’m not sure what it is you gain from a man paying for 3 or 4 dates other than the delusion that that means, for sure, he’s totally into you or not going to have sex with you and never call. Thoughts like this are to women what a woobie (blanket) is to a child. They provide nothing but a false sense of security. Women need to understand that if a man is that desperate for sex, money is no object. A sucker will take you out 4 times and pay every time without any sort of reciprocation because, well, he has to.
A man with a backbone will take you out on 4 dates, pay every time, but have sex with other women while he waits for you to decide it’s safe to reach in to your wallet or have sex. Then he’ll either dump you strictly on principle or continue sleeping with you and those other women and never offer you more than that.