Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

After a profile review session this week, I decided to compile a list of questions that people should never ask someone on the first few dates and/or at all.

1. “So, what are you looking for?” - First of all, few people ever answer this honestly. Second of all, many people don’t have an answer for that question. Ask someone if they are looking for a relationship and they are likely to say yes. That doesn’t mean they want one now or with you. They don’t know yet. They’re allowed to not know. As we’ve said before, anybody who leap frogs all the other steps and jumps right in to commitment usually does so for a reason. And that reason is usually that they’re hiding something like a shady past or serious personality/emotional defect. One client told me yesterday that a coach she worked with told her to include her relationships goals – including how she wanted another child and was looking for a long term and committed relationship – in her profile

2.” Who sent you that text?” - Here’s a fun conversation to have at 2am when you and your guy are basking in the afterglow of your sweet, sweet lovin’. I recently had this happen to me, and the five or so minutes after that text bell rang were rather..uncomfortable. There’s no way you can lie about a text coming in after 11pm. We all know what it is. You can ignore it, of course. But then that, too, makes you look guilty. So the only answer you can give in that moment is the truth. Yes, dear. She or he has been with someone else other than you at some point. Side note: turn your phone off.

3. “When was your last relationship?” - I find questions like this funny, because it’s not like the answer is actually going to deter someone from seeing you again. Oh, and because people will probably lie or fudge the truth. Pointless.

4. “Are you dating anyone else?” - If you have to ask then you probably already know the answer. Always assume the answer is yes and base your decisions on that. Asking someone that question puts them on the defensive.It also makes you look all shades of anxious and needy.

5.”How can you be single?/Why are you single?” - Dear God in heaven, don’t ask a single woman this. Especially if she’s over 35. She will plummet down that rabbit hole and land with a resounding thud faster than you can say, “Just curious!” Truth is, you probably don’t want to know why, and no answer is going to reassure you that the person sitting across from you isn’t an emotional cripple or socially awkward shut in. Ideally, you want to know why you’re single. However, you don’t necessarily want to share that fact with some stranger. Don’t turn the question around on the other person. It will make you look defensive. Just say, “I guess because I haven’t met anybody that I’ve been really excited about.”

6. “How many people have you slept with?” – Don’t ask this. Ever. Ever ever ever. If asked, and your number is objectively “high”  lie.

7. “Who is that person who posted on your Wall/Tweeted at you?” - You need to wait until you’re in a really comfortable place with someone before you can inquire about things like this. Any time before you’re exclusive or settled in to a consistent pattern of seeing each other will make you look possessive and clingy.

 

Anyone have any others?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , ,

58 Responses to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

  1. A to the F Says:

    I don’t understand why #1 is a question not to ask or answer, although an astute observer can discern the answer fairly quickly.

    But I am writing specifically about #5 … I have dated three girls in the last year whom I wondered this about. Two were slightly older than me, both 36. They were bot extremely attractive, highly successful women. Objectively, an 8.5 and a 9. In the former case, lets call her Tracy, I asked her roommate that question our third time hanging out, to which her roommate replied, “you’ll find out.” Sure enough, I soon did. Tracy had a pathological fear of abandonment and need for independence. The latter was the other extreme, she got way too clingy, far too quickly discussed marriage and children, and essentially stalked me. The third was younger, a 27 year old version of the first; it was freaky how similar they were. And yes, I know it speaks to some issue I have that I.am repeatedly attracted to the same types.

    Long story short. If you are wondering how or why this apparently amazing person across from you is single, there is assuredly a good reason and it will come out soon enough.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 12

    Reply

    • A to the F Says:

      I want to comment on #2… this is an easy question to answer truthfully. My good friends and family communicate with me via text. They live in multiple time zones, on multiple continents, often forget the time difference, text me while drunk, depressed or otherwise I need of an immediate or timely response, but don’t.necessarily want to interrupt me.

      Anyone who doesn’t get that has other issues and should be dropped printout.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • A to the F Says:

        *pronto not printout /pimf

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

        Reply

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        The problem in my situation was I had a new phone, so I hadn’t replaced many of the old contacts. Had I recognized the name, I’d have ignored it completely. The person asked me where I was, and I couldn’t figure out who it was that was sending the text. I thought it might be a friend. I haven’t received one of those texts in a very, very long time. It honestly never occurred to me that it would be anybody of the bootay variety.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

        Reply

  2. Crotch Rocket Says:

    Interestingly, this seems to be the list of what nearly every woman asks me within the first two dates, along with the usual questions about where I live, what kind of job I have (i.e. how much money I make), etc.

    That doesn’t mean they want one now or with you. They don’t know yet
    Exactly, which is why my standard answer is “yes, with the right person.” If she’s dense enough to ask if I see a relationship with her, I answer “I don’t know yet; isn’t figuring that out why we’re here?”

    There’s no way you can lie about a text coming in after 11pm. We all know what it is.
    Or maybe you don’t. I get texts from platonic friends at all hours because they know it doesn’t bother me. More commonly, I get my personal and work email on my phone, and the alert is the same as for texts, so that “text” could be some coworker in China or India emailing me, random spam, etc.

    “Are you dating anyone else?”
    My standard answer is “yes, but nothing serious at the moment.” I think most people ask this to elicit the same question in return and inform you of their status, which should be the same. IMHO, this shouldn’t be necessary, but there are people who only date one person at a time and irrationally expect the same of their dates.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

      Yep, I think on most first dates I am asked 1,3 and 5. Number 4 is pretty often too.

      CR has a good point on the late txt also. I used to get a fair number of late night txt’s from friends – particular the one who worked at a restaurant who would often times respond when he got off work midnight to 1 am. And I would be now getting them from work if I had phone setup to pull messages from from work (I work with teams all around the world).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

      Reply

    • Jamie Says:

      Thank you for the good answers to some silly questions.

      For what it’s worth, I like to know what someone does for a living, not because I care how much money he makes (I don’t), but because I like someone with a real job or who is looking for a real job. One guy who contacted me from match laid railroad tracks — which I liked, because it showed he has to be sane enough for focus and precision, and he’s physically fit, and he shows up on time at least for a job — then he told me he hated his job and wanted to retire early and be a life coach and motivational speaker, and I lost interest immediately, or at least during the 5 minutes he blahed about how it was his gift to inspire people.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

      Reply

    • Howard Says:

      It’s called putting people on the spot. No one likes anyone doing this to him or her, but he or she does it to other people. Maybe there should be a commandment that says. “Thou shalt not attempt to embarrass” followed by “Thou shalt not be a hypocrite” and “Thou shalt not be insecure”

      Most times, there really is a reason for people being single. Go figure it out on your own if you wish, but don’t ask stupid questions along the way, which pretty much signal why you are single. People volunteer the reason soon enough. Yes, trying to shortcut the process in relationships is sometimes a possible potential problem. I use “sometimes”. I won’t go along with “always”, because it’s too limiting on the human being who has managed to make all types of scenarios work through time. When you take a poll on most married people, you typically find that they had made up their mind fairly quickly regarding their spouse.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  3. Laura Says:

    Got asked #1 on a recent date – not necessarily about whether I wanted a relationship (assumed), but what I was looking for in a guy. VERY tough to answer that in a way that’s appropriate for a first date! I agree it’s important to know the answer for yourself, but that’s not something to share with a potential.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • Jamie Says:

      I know right? I got asked this once during a first meeting, and it felt like I was in a job interview. I told him I didn’t have a list made, so I’d have to play it by ear. Although he was very good-looking, he was a little strange — maybe the cause or the result of his never having had a LTR by his mid-30s — so I was glad he didn’t seek a second meeting.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

      Reply

  4. AP Says:

    The one I can’t stand most is a variation of #5….why is a woman as beautiful/accomplished/successful (or some variation of this) on Match? Ummm, why did you sign up for Match then? Were you expecting ogres?

    I hate that people assume internet dating is only for a second tier of society or something. It’s just another outlet to meet and date people that you may not ordinarily run into in your current walk of life. And while this is what I tell them, this question pisses me off to no avail!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  5. L. Says:

    For the most part, I agree with you here. I mean, #1 is kinda ok … or a variant like “What kind of guy’s do you generally like?”. But most or all of these questions are either too “nosy” or get too much into the past. The past is not relevant, especially since no one is ever going to know whether you are being honest or not. Look to the future.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  6. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    The one I can’t stand most is a variation of #5….why is a woman as beautiful/accomplished/successful (or some variation of this) on Match

    Easy. Because she’s not as attractive, successful or accomplished as she thinks and because she thinks her success and accomplishments are important to men when they aren’t.

    Whether we like to realize it or not, people we date often ask us that question because they’re getting a wonky vibe about us and are looking for answers.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 36

    Reply

    • L. Says:

      Could also be meant as a compliment, ya know.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Men don’t think, “Gee, she’s smart and has a great job…how can she be single?” That’s how women think. So if guy asks a woman why she’s single, it’s not because he can’t wrap his pea brain around the fact that this successful woman can’t land a boyfriend.

        Men KNOW why most “smart, successful” women don’t have relationships. It’s usually because they lead with that online and off. For whatever reason, women think men are just chomping at the bit to date an intellectual smarty pants. They’re not, because women like that are usually huge pains in the ass with chips on their shoulder who think being competitive/combative with men is sexy.

        Sorry, you 16 people who voted me thumbs down. But if someone is asking you, on a date, why you’re single it’s usually because something about you is setting off an internal buzzer. Critical thinking is kicking in. Yes, why IS this attractive, engaging, seemingly sweet person single??

        Or they’re terribly awkward. People with decent social skills know that’s a loaded question.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 19

        Reply

        • dina Says:

          People who are awkward and have no game ask that question. It’s a filler question… like, “do you come here often?, where are you from?, etc.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Agreed. I didn’t say that they’re suspicions were necessarily on the mark. I simply said that people usually ask that question because they sensed something was off. They could just be mistrustful or insecure. But they’re sensing something and don’t have the impulse control to resist asking.

            But as far as this:

            Easy. Because she’s not as attractive, successful or accomplished as she thinks and because she thinks her success and accomplishments are important to men when they aren’t.

            Women think men factor a woman’s professional success or accomplishments in to their critical thinking, when they don’t.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 7

            Reply

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          Men don’t think, “Gee, she’s smart and has a great job…how can she be single?
          No, because men know those qualities have little to do with a woman’s ability to find a relationship. We do, however, think “Gee, she’s attractive and not obviously crazy…how can she be single?” IOW, she is at least superficially what every guy is looking for, so there must be some reason no other guy wants her–and we want to know what it is before we get too invested ourselves.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

          Reply

      • Selena Says:

        Men sometimes ask this question in a “You’re attractive so why are you single?” way. It’s an awkward question to answer, but I doubt those who ask realize it.

        Most relationships do not last, so most people are going to be single at some point in their lives. Likely several. The answer to “Why are you single?” is because one has chosen to leave previous lovers and/or the lovers have chosen to leave them.

        If you think you *know* why someone is single…you don’t bother to ask.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        Reply

    • ultraviolet Says:

      ATWYS… maybe shes on match because she hunts for sport :) its not a sign of failure to launch in marriage. i mean, do you still believe marriage is the be all end all or dont you. its not…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

      Reply

      • ultraviolet Says:

        Also, the person on the date is also single, arent they… so who are they to ask, unless its just conversation to them. not everything is a sensitive issue to all people in the same degree. maybe they had a very interesting story as to why they think they are single, as we are all usually speaking about ourself… even if reflected outward as if speaking of another.

        that said, i do have a friend that did hide her career/salary/phd from her prospects, and that seemed to work MUCH better. perhaps it was that it forced her to speak only of other things and not be too pomoous. or perhaps the achievements do scare men off. I also leave the degrees out of the profile, and recently think mentioning it casually in relation to another topic did cost me a second date. probably a time bomb issue for him since he flunked out of college in the same field I got advanced degrees in… i wasnt thinking how sensitive of an issue it might be.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

        Reply

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Nobody said anything about marriage. That’s not what we were discussing. The question being discussed was, “Why Are You Still Single?”

        i mean, do you still believe marriage is the be all end all or dont you. its not…

        Yeah, you know who says gems like this?

        Women who couldn’t find a guy to marry them or who had their marriage fail.

        I don’t disagree that marriage isn’t the be all end all. I’ve said it several time. Which you’d know if you weren’t some random woman who reads a couple of posts and then decides to get all highorsey.and defensive.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 12

        Reply

    • dina Says:

      You wouldn’t go out with someone that you got a “wonky” vibe about in the first place. And if you happen to get a “wonky” vibe from them, you’re certainly not going to ask — you’re gonna get out of there as soon as possible. why continue a conversation with someone like that in the first place.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Most people just exchange a few messages and meet the person. So there’s a big chance you’ll be on a date with someone who, in person, seems off.

        There are a lot of people who come off great on paper but not in person. And I know plenty of guys who over look every red flag in a woman’s profile strictly because she’s attractive. And women do the same. If people actually listened to their guts more, we’d have nothing to talk about here.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

        Reply

  7. myself Says:

    Yeah the text thing is not always what we think. I have a strange sleep pattern and my friends & family know a lot of the time I’m up way past midnight. Sister is a nurse on evening shift, father an aircraft technician with very odd hours, many friends in arts (playing shows til midnight etc). They’ll send a text anytime assuming I’ll answer if I’m up and or answer the next day while I’m up but they’re asleep. I actually at this time have no one that would fall into the “booty call” bracket….so it would be something harmless and not at all uncomfy. And I can’t be the only one.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  8. Rebecca Says:

    For some reason, the three most recent guys in the lineup have all lived more than an hour away from me. I get the idea I’m not supposed to ask about how they think the distance would be a factor, and just “trust” that if he’s dating me, the distance won’t be an issue. I’m not sure I agree, but I tend to overthink things. What are your thoughts on it?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I think someone who dates a person who lives that far away does so for a reason. Why would someone put themselves through that amount of travel time instead of just dating someone closer to them?

      I don’t know. I think a lot of people will date someone who lives a distance away because the distance provides a perfect buffer and t excuse to not actually commit. It’s a built in escape hatch. I don’t trust it.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 12

      Reply

      • Howard Says:

        This dating thing is hard. Sometimes the person is trying like crazy to find someone close to where he or she lives.

        Distance has different meaning to many people. And of course the distance thing can be taken too far. I know people in Manhattan who won’t date someone who lives and works in the other boroughs of NYC, and if they do, will do everything in their power to never go to those other boroughs.

        I think everyone has to figure, how far is too far? When you start dating someone, you are only going to see them two times a week at most. In lots of cases, it’s one time a week. Later on, it becomes more, but maybe that is a process that should be managed. People drop too much of their lives when they imagine the one came along, only to be disappointed later.

        I limit myserlf to getting in my car and driving one and a half hours. Of course I prefer someone less than half hour away, but we often don’t get what we want.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Why would someone put themselves through that amount of travel time instead of just dating someone closer to them?
        Because they want to be as inclusive as possible and know that, if things work out, it will be only a temporary inconvenience? Regardless of how far apart you live today, one or both of you will end up moving when things get serious, so why put up yet another artificial barrier to meeting the right person?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  9. rick Says:

    maybe, but i definitely discuss past relationships with new girls if we are getting along well….some women will also discuss theirs as well. look I am not going to get into some LTR without knowing someone’s background. and I like it for them to know mine as well.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Laura Says:

      Yes, but not on a FIRST date, or even second date. You save that for when you already know someone pretty well.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Jamie Says:

      I’ve done it in the past, but I’ve cut back on it drastically even when questioned, since it has a lot more potential for bad than for good. Sometimes the other person will be all “oh ok honey” and smiling and accepting… then when you get in a disagreement, that stuff gets adopted *and* adapted by them to become their ammunition. Better to give the minimal amount of outline unless your S.O. is writing your biography.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  10. DowntownAngel Says:

    Haha, this is a great list indeed!

    Back in the day I remember being asked “how come you’re still single?” pretty often. I always replied “well, why are YOU single?” Turning the tables helps. They mumble something and the conversation moves on

    Also right on point on the # and late night texts. BTW late night textx can be easily explained away. Could be your cell company reminding you that the bill is ready. Could be a security alert from your credit card. Could be any number of things like that

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  11. Valerie Says:

    I’ve asked some of these questions and been asked them as well. Although I have always answered honesty, u r right that they may not Always tell the truth. With that said, maybe “how r u?” should be on ur list as the answer may be “fine” but they may be withholding that they forgot to take their anti-psychotic meds and the voices are talking to them again.

    I don’t believe there are any right or wrong questions to ask. I think it all depends on what presents itself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  12. Andrew Says:

    The problem with the question “So, what are you looking for?” ” is that it’s too job interviewee. No one really wants to be asked this and as mentioned few people ever answer this honestly. I know when I get asked this, my response is often vague.

    Dates are not job interviews and should not be treated as such.(IMO, I always thought the analogy between the two was iffy at best.) It all goes to keeping the conversation lighthearted and enjoyable. Last I checked, dates are supposed to be fun. Job interviews for the most part suck.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • VJ Says:

      “Dates are not job interviews and should not be treated as such.”

      No they’re typically more important than that, and done on much less relevant information. But they’re both ‘interviews’ of sorts, just mostly using a different set of criteria. The analogy though might be more relevant than imagined. Most employers are looking for smart, reliable, dependable, hard/good workers who will want to stick it out for the long term, and/or are ‘good long term bets/investments’. Sadly fewer people consider those qualities when choosing a mate, but they might reconsider their options after the first few ‘mistakes’!
      Cheers, ‘VJ’

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  13. Diana Says:

    What is an “objectively high” answer to #6? For a 44yo woman who has been in monogamous relationships for maybe 20 of the nearly 30 years of sexually active time, but actively dating in the remainder. It seems to me that the number can climb pretty high just by the amount of years that have passed. I have been asked this question, from men my own age but who I think were faithful in longer marriages so their own numbers are still in single digits. I guess I’m asking what is a believable lie LOL.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  14. Kurt Says:

    I was once on a first date and the girl asked me what I was looking for in a woman and I answered it as honestly as I could. So I then followed up and asked what she was looking for in a man and her answer was “Nice.” That was it – nothing else. I really was wondering why she would ask me a question that she clearly did not want to answer herself. It seemed like a huge red flag to me.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  15. VJ Says:

    Well, some of the needed questions are in there with the silly questions and side by side with the mostly irrelevant questions. That’s the problem, and the central fact that most people don’t like to answer questions directly, especially about sensitive matters.

    So #1, ‘What are you looking for?’ might yield a whole universe of answers. Notwithstanding the usual: ‘A gal who can go all night’. ‘A hard man is good to find…’ There might be all sorts of strange things desired:

    ‘The Unified Field Theory of course!’ ‘A knock out babe who just might be the next Fields Medalist’. ‘A distinguished righteous Canadian metallurgist, just like her! (UF)’ ‘A man just like dear old dad, only richer, less violent, more dependable and better overall with the kids…’ ‘A gal like dear old mom w/o the frequent trips to the looney bin’. ‘A woman who’ll make me give up my extensive p0rn habit’. ‘A man who can play the sax like JC (Coltrane) and make me melt& swoon’.

    #3 might be rephrased as the old reliable ‘When was your last longest relationship & what happened to end it?’ Which is always more than a bit complicated and sometimes quite painful to boot. But eventually? You’ve got to find out some of what went on, somehow.

    #5 Is just silly. Most folks have little to no idea why they’re still single! That might take them literally decades to discover.

    Other questions might be suggested. I’ve always liked try to take folks out of their usual ‘route’ replies and easy ‘prepped’ answers to actually discover how & why they think or why they might do what they do. Something they might be unprepared for, and hence have a slightly more usefully honest answer for.

    #1 on my list? Would be fairly complicated to get to, but I’d approach it very slowly & cautiously. Even more so & important that the ‘how many X’s have you done’? It’s this: ‘What does your Media Diet look like?’ Nine times out of 10, this will tell you far more of what you need to know about a person than how many people they’ve slept with. It’s the concept of ‘The information Diet’ from Clay Johnson & many others:
    http://www.niemanlab.org/2012/02/eat-your-vegetables-ideas-from-news-nutritionists-to-reform-our-media-diets/

    Too much Snooki? Means one end of the spectrum. People & other ‘celebrity’ flotsam mags lying around? Same end of that pond. Spends hours FB’ing & doing social media? Yet another point on the spectrum. Has a house that looks like some mid century recreation replete with a well stocked English ‘old style’ library? That’s yet the other far reach of the media spectrum. There’s a natural age grade here also. We all might identify the latter ‘gent’ as a geezer, or a very wealthy & perhaps idle young lad who’s dad’s a well known geezer.

    But overall today? The media consumption habits of your nearest & dearest are just about the most important things to know about them. Not Who is calling/tweeting/emailing. That might be anyone. The fact that you’re **Not** a Doc or an EMT or similar ‘high profile/highly urgently needed’ professional And that you answer the call, no matter what? That’s Very meaningful. Failing the dying parent’s gambit? It may mean no one ever taught you manners. Or that they’re ‘irrelevant’ to you much of the time. Or you remain wholly ignorant or oblivious of same. Or that your narcissistic personality demands attention and stimulation most of the time.

    But before I discovered that one question? I just had a bunch of ‘general questions’ that might just be very revealing. Such as: ‘What’s the oldest thing you own & why?’ That’s particularly telling in a way if anyone’s ‘sentimental’ at all, etc. Not too revealing as they may not be awfully sentimental towards you!

    ‘What’s the oldest song you know?’ This will strangely enough break down sometimes on class & age boundaries alone. If they immediately go for a Rock tune, you’ve got someone under the age of 45-50. If it’s a Classical piece OR traditional Folk ballad (‘Danny Boy’) that says something about them too.

    What’s your favorite piece of literature or writer? This alone will mystify most under the age of 35-40, but interesting just the same.

    A favorite that I’m still barred from asking on our employment interviews is ‘What is the character of physical law’? That’s really easy once you google it, but I ask folks to explain it in more detail, a paragraph might suffice, but so will a few choice words too.

    Name 3 of your favorite American composers? Distinctly unanswerable properly by anyone with less than a graduate education in music, evidently. And yet a truly ‘educated’ person might have been able to answer this say 40-50 years ago with little difficulty. Now? They’re all senile, so it’s just the fragments they recall fondly!

    It really depends on what you’re looking for! If it’s the younger set? Be prepared. If it’s the older? Well at lest hum along, will you? Cheers, ‘VJ’

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • terry Says:

      TO VJ:

      You sound like an educated person, and assuming that you are not a homosexual and would be attractive to me, I’d like to meet someone like you because you at least seem to have the ability to reason and can articulate those thoughts into a sentence! :) ROFL….

      Now, that joking aside, it is scary to me that you (or anyone else) would ask PERSONAL questions of a job candidate. Whether you are an H.R. Manager, recruiter, or the hiring manager for the particular position, YOUR job (and THEIR job) is to ask questions that are JOB RELATED. Anything else is entering the dangerous territory of pop psychology and trying to discern things about people that has nothing to do with how technically proficient they are and whether they have the basic social skills to get along reasonably well with others. Doing what you seem to like to do will EXCLUDE people from a job who may be good at what they do and who also NEED the job to provide for themselves and their children — in addition to receiving their health care benefits, which frankly, is all that I really work for (in addition to being in a job that I feel safe in and that I enjoy), since I’m not a materialistic person and don’t care as much about the actual salary.

      In addition, the U.S. Supreme court case of Griggs v. Duke Power (1971), speaks DIRECTLY to the issue of selection/hiring criteria being JOB RELATED. If you are not familiar with it, I recommend that you read it. Don’t just arbitrarily PREVENT people from getting a job simply based on your own personal biases and what appears to be assumptions and pre-determined conclusions about people.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • VJ Says:

        Dear Terry, Thanks for the compliment, but I’m well & long married. Also, I am indeed principally responsible for hiring most of the people in our small firm. You knowledge of the law is faulty, and is deeply dependent on the actual state where our business resides. I live in a ‘right to work’ state way down south. Which means that baring obvious discrimination I sure as shooting can decide on who and what qualifies for our job openings. This damn well better include an ability to reason well and write well, which unfortunately tends to Disqualify a goodly proportion of our newer college grads.

        And if you ever get to qualify for the oh say ‘upper echelon’ jobs that actually pay a middle class salary with good benefits today? [Especially with any Fortune 500 company, BTW]. You’re really going to go though a batter of tests, some of which can easily be psychological in nature. See here:
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychometrics. They used to do some of this with Handwriting samples, and I was quite good with those too, but overall they’re slightly less dependable and more subjective.

        And no, BTW, hiring you is NOT dependent upon me being attracted to you. We’ve got literally no one in our office who might fit that bill, although we do have at least one gay person too. All it takes is for you to be somewhat competent, timely and orderly in your work. You can look like Jabba the Hut while doing so. (We’ve got one of them too!) So we’ll take on all kinds. But the stupid & lazy people? Don’t last long, and we’ll not suffer them long either. There’s no affirmative action for that. Well at least not here anyway!

        And yes, there’s not a month that goes by without some well credentialed fairly ‘well educated’ poor soul who disqualifies themselves to us with a huge ‘logical fail’ in their resume or responses via correspondence. If you don’t read & heed the job Requirements? You’ll Fail despite that Ivy League degree. Believe it or not. And misspelling ‘graduate’ and ‘liberal arts’ on a resume will do that too! Sorry to disappoint, but my time is somewhat valuable too. So aGIN YES, I CAN & WILL Disqualify you for being stupid or having a subpar answer to our questions at an interview. And again, the question I had might even have a one word answer too. The man who wrote the book & won the Nobel Prize? He did it in one sentence. That’s on Youtube. Way at the top of the google search. The kids today… Cheers, ‘VJ’

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

        Reply

  16. terry Says:

    A to the F, the reason that beautiful, intelligent, fun, funny, sexy, sensual, great-in-bed women are still single is because YOU GUYS do NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED! All you want is the whore of the moment. You do not meet a lady, take a look at her and think to youself, “hmmm, possible wife material and mother of my children. I LIKE her!” No, no, no, what you are thinking is: hot, how fast can I schtump her! And THAT, A to the F is the reason that MILLIONS OF BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT WOMEN out there are NOT married! Enough said!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 8

    Reply

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      beautiful, intelligent, fun, funny, sexy, sensual, great-in-bed women are still single … because YOU GUYS do NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED!
      Wrong. If I found such a woman, I’d marry her in a heartbeat, as would any guy. The problem is not the men; it is that it seems all such women are already married; those who are single are lacking one or more of those qualities, whether they realize it or not.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

      Reply

  17. terry Says:

    Since, as women, we cannot ask these IMPORTANT QUESTIONS of the guy because we know that they will lie just to get us to trust them so that they can use us as the temporary-this-idiotic-woman-is-having-sex-with-me-and-she-doesn’t-know -I-have-no -intentions-of-being-in-a-relationship-with-her-but-hey-I-don’t-have-to-pay-her-for- sex-“prostitute,” the LESSON TO LEARN, LADIES, and to learn it Q-U-I-C-K-L-Y is this: do NOT, I repeat, do NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANY OF THESE GUYS UNTIL YOU REALLY KNOW WHO AND WHAT HE IS! It is only common sense to wait. Why would you hop in the sack and open your body and your heart to someone you don’t know! You’re not a tramp. You’re not a whore. You’re not a prostitute! So don’t act like one! If you act like one, you are sending the message that that is what you ARE and those sewer rats will be quite happy and thrilled to treat you as such. YOU determine your own VALUE – so RESPECT YOURSELF. RESPECT YOUR DIGNITY!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 4

    Reply

  18. terry Says:

    To Crotch Rocket:

    You said that “there are people who only date one person at a time and irrationally expect the same of their dates.”

    Based on this answer, it is very clear that you are one of those guys out there who Fs around and does not understand the concept of RESPECTING women, PERSONAL HONOR and MONOGAMY (ooops, I said the “M” word…I can hear all the X-chromosomers gasping and freaking out).

    To ladies and males:

    THAT IS WHY so many beautiful women who also happen to be affectionate and nice human beings ARE SINGLE! These guys just want to use (which is also abuse) as many women as possible and F their way through life without any care or concern about the emotional devastation that they leave behind – or perhaps they ENJOY it.

    What self-respecting woman is going to stay with some creep who is having sex with other women at the same time that he is dating her (or perhaps also having sex with her)! He is cheating on whoever he is having sex with, clearly using that idiot for sex, but is not much interested in her because he is looking elsewhere – namely YOU and your vagina (and that of whoever else he is “dating”)!

    Wake up, ladies, WAKE UP and smell the feces!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7

    Reply

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Based on this answer, it is very clear that you are …
      The only thing I said was that such expectations were irrational. That has nothing to do with me or men in general; it has to do with most people’s expectations being irrational–including mine. If you want something, ask for it and let them decide if they want to give it to you; don’t just expect they will magically do what you want. People can’t read your mind, and even if they could, they don’t owe you anything other than what they’ve agreed to.

      I can hear all the X-chromosomers gasping and freaking out
      You do realize that both men and women have X chromosomes, right?

      To ladies and males:
      This says it all right here: you call women “ladies” yet call men “males”, showing disrespect for all men–in the same message you bash men for not respecting women. Have you considered that, perhaps, your blatant hypocrisy is part of why you’re single?

      some creep who is having sex with other women at the same time
      Who said anything about having sex with others? Is that all dating means to you? Has it not occurred to you that many men, like women, can date several people yet still prefer focus on one when things start to get serious/physical? Your deep hatred of men is showing through here.

      He is cheating on whoever he is having sex with,
      Who says? If he didn’t agree to be exclusive, then having sex with others is not against the rules and therefore is not “cheating”. If you have a problem with that, be an adult and actually discuss things rather than expecting men to read your mind and automatically do what you want.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Kurt Says:

      I have found personally that women are far more likely to want to play the field than men, but that is just mt own experience.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  19. terry Says:

    Whatever happened to this:

    1) Male sees a beautiful woman across the room. She is dressed attractively. She is turning heads, although doing nothing purposefully to cause that reaction. He can see that she’s sexy, but she is definitely not a tramp. She seems to be a combination of lady, yet playful and fun. She also appears to be a nice person. Perhaps if he’s within ear shot, he learns that she does volunteer work in the community.

    2) She notices the guy looking, and if she’s interested, might give him a pretty smile (a wholesome and friendly smile, not the type that says come-hither-I-want-to-be-F’d).

    3) Male goes over and starts up a conversation with the lady.

    4) He asks for her number. She gives it.

    5) Male asks lady out. She consents.

    6) They start dating…things are going well.

    7) ***** Male decides to date just this lady so that he can FOCUS on getting to KNOW her, in addition to which it demonstrates RESPECT for the lady. He thinks to himself that the added PLUS to him is that he actually enjoys spending time with her. *****

    6) Things are proceeding mutually happily for both. They move to the sex stage. They are MONOGAMOUS!

    7) Perhaps they’ll stay together, perhaps not, but at least no one (typically it’s the lady) is emotionally injured (and eventually scarred) from being cheated on and by being treated as if she is not worthy of even a basic threshold level of human RESPECT! Few things are worse than being led on, lied to, cheated on, and disrespected. At some point, it starts making the lady feel that she is not lovable — a very bad and unhealthy road to get on. At that point the wisest thing is to get out of the dating whore house and focus on other things in life.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

    Reply

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      She is dressed attractively. She is turning heads, although doing nothing purposefully to cause that reaction.
      Women don’t dress attractively for the purpose of getting people to look at them? Really? What world do you live on?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Angeline Says:

      Terry: What happened to this fairy tale scenario? Feminism (egad, the F-word) and supposed equality of the sexes. One of the unanticipated results of freely engaging in sex if one desires (which I note from another comment premarital sex is an activity you partake of) is that the gracious and magnanimous granting of permission to kiss her slippers by the Princess with the Golden Vagina became as obsolete as the 8-track. Princess V realized one day she was holding forth to an audience of none. Men are finally realizing that equality goes both ways if it means anything. Turns out possessing a vagina is no longer all that is required to rope a man into supplication, I mean matrimony. Come to find out, when access to sex is equalized, men will no longer put up with the above scenario, and who can blame them, except those angry and bitter at not getting the word. This kind of kvetching always makkes me think of the angry motorist, shaking his/her fist at the person passing at 10mph faster, while also passing slower traffic.

      The good news is, when you see a guy who is married or in a committed relationship these days, there’s a good chance it’s because he really wants to be there. CR and VJ are both examples of this. See what happens when you elbow your way in and start splattering the room with vitriol and assumptions? You grossly misjudge people, because of your own biases and blinders. They, along with offensive dan, DMN, Craig and others are a hugely valuable resource, because they tell it like it is. For anyone, male or female, who wants to improve their dating success by getting out of their own damned way, this blog and the commenters are more valuable than a free membership on Match.com.

      Attitudes like the one displayed in your several, shouting posts, fail to see men as human beings, who also desire a connection and stability, with someone they want to spend time around (Tip: there are a few key words there). Terry, if you stop pounding your desk and stridently screeching about how other people *should* behave, you might be able to see men as more than sex objects. Read Moxie’s advice below. Perhaps get some professional help to get past that last guy. Be willing to see your own part in why things don’t go how you imagine they will.

      And seriously, exhale.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

      Reply

  20. terry Says:

    Ultraviolet:

    Regarding degrees, today I found out by chance that a guy I dated 3 1/2 years ago was a high school DROPOUT. He dropped out in 8th. grade! I was in shock. I have a doctoral-level degree (and no…I’m not a “smartypants” with guys and I’m not bossy. In fact, I like guys who take the lead and behave in what we think of as traditional male behavior. I HATE role reversal).

    This is the last one I dated. I met several guys after that, but I had no interest and my heart was just not in it anymore, plus I didn’t want to risk continued emotional pain, so I stopped dating. This guy was the master of lies. He presented himself as this great family man, who as a result of having been married for 30 years, enjoyed being in a real relationship and knew what you do to make one succeed. However, what was behind the facade was sheer emotionally manipulative evil. He actually set out to lasso me emotionally and then when he thought that I was in love with him, or starting to be – break it off; he no doubt figured that it was the way to cause maximum damage (yes, there are MANY guys like that out there who do this, as I have learned from my own experiences, from what I hear other women recount about theirs, and most importantly of all, from two guys who actually SAID that they enjoy making the woman fall in love with them and seeing that process, and then they leave once they have achieved that end!). He played the part of the fantastic boyfriend to the hilt, so much so that it was like living in a Hollywood movie – and then out of the blue and without any warning, he pulled the “freeze-up,” at which time I discovered that he was online trying to date and have sex with other women (or perhaps had already been doing it while we were together – yuck!), so I ended it. This happened during the Thanksgiving holiday, with my birthday coming several days after that, and then the Christmas and New Year’s holidays. Needless to say, it was a HORRIBLE time for me. And what made it worse is that this was a TOTALLY IMPOTENT guy who could NEVER have complete sex with me (great with the hand, though :)) even with those pill things, in addition to which even if it had worked, it was very tiny (just a little smidget longer than a Vienna sausage and exactly that girdth). There is much more to the story than this, but that is the bare bones gist. Hmm…I’m not sure how I digressed to this topic at this length, but anyway, my point is that THEY LIE! Well, actually, I do know why I got on this topic…because of the fact that due to today’s discovery that he was a high school dropout, which then brought back the memories of the whole thing.

    Bottom line: FIND OUT WHO THE GUY IS BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR HEART (OR ANYTHING ELSE) TO HIM!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

    Reply

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I’m going to say this as gently as I can:

      The guy lied and you got hurt. It sucks and I’m sorry that that happened to you. You’re probably pissed that he gets to go on with his life and be happy and you feel slighted by that. But…it was almost 4 years ago, and it’s pretty clear this is still a hot button for you. Maybe it’s time to get off the internet and stumbling across info “by chance” and spread eagling yourself to a bunch of strangers and go talk to a professional about this, as it has clearly colored your outlook and affected your life.

      Trust me. This guy, if he did all the things you said he did and was as deceptive as you claim, will end up having his life ruined by someone. Maybe even he’ll do it to himself. Or he’ll just find someone really dumb and naive who happily looks the other way and is happy to just be in his life in some modest capacity. Whatever. But there’s no need for your life to be ruined as well. He’s an ass, he’s going to find someone who doesn’t care that he’s an ass. Let them go off into the sunset and be asses together whilst everyone mocks them behind their backs.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • terry Says:

        Andthatswhy…

        Thanks for the info. Much appreciated. I’m not sure what you mean by 1) “get off the internet and stumbling upon info “by chance,”” 2) spread eagling yo urself to a bunch of strangers.”

        Internet: As much as I’d like to see the Internet go “poof” because it has created many more problems than it has solved, it has become a necessity. We use it for work, family, school, sharing ideas, speaking out on issues of importance to us, news, etc.

        “By chance”: A mutual friend called me to let me know that she had just found out about it at some reunion.

        “Spread eagling”: I don’t sleep around (as is obvious from my focus on monogamy), so I don’t know what this means.

        The bottom line is that I will NOT go out there again except on an occasional date (and that only because the human ego does need a little food every once in a while, so looking good and being on a date gives me a little of that). However, I will NOT be looking for a normal and loving relationship, since it is plainly clear to me (not just from this ONE very painful experience, but from the rest of my experiences, as well as from the millions of women who are all complaining about the fact that all most of the guys want nowadays are “hookups” and meaningless sex) that it is extremely difficult, and likely impossible to find an honorable and decent guy who is also someone you can be intellectually/emotionally/physically/sensually/sexually/etc. attracted to.

        I will just entertain myself and fill up my spare time with social activities that do not involve serious dating or males. That being the case, I must say that I am VERY proud of myself that I haven’t become the cat lady or the dog lady who surrounds herself with a dozen animals because she’s lonely. :) Way too many women out there pour all their love into a ton of cats and dogs because they have no one else to whom they can give their love and affection.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

        Reply

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          an occasional date (and that only because the human ego does need a little food every once in a while, so looking good and being on a date gives me a little of that).
          So, basically, you go on dates with the intent of using men for attention–just like the men you’re complaining about who go on dates with the intent of using women for sex. I see: using people is only dishonest when you are the victim, right?

          millions of women who are all complaining about the fact that all most of the guys want nowadays are “hookups” and meaningless sex
          I disagree. That may be all most men want with those women, but that doesn’t mean those guys wouldn’t want more from women with more to offer.

          it is extremely difficult, and likely impossible to find an honorable and decent guy who is also someone you can be intellectually/emotionally/physically/sensually/sexually/etc. attracted to.
          That is not difficult at all, if you can offer the same in return. However, most women seem to greatly overestimate their own worth to men and therefore shoot for men that are out of their league rather than improving themselves or settling their sights a little lower.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

          Reply

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Okay. Please. Enough. She’s never going to agree with you. I think it’s clear by her comments she’s going to cling to her opinions because she has to believe the problem is everybody else. There’s no point in even trying to debate her comments.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

            Reply

  21. terry Says:

    VJ: Just to clarify, regardless of where we are geographically in the USA, federal law supersedes state law except on matters specifically left to the states in the constitution or judicially interpreted as such. Where states have constitutional authority to legislate in an area and the legislation conflicts with federal law, the one that provides the most protection will control. Griggs controls in cases where the question is one of disparate impact discrimination and its test (selection/hiring criteria that is job related) is applied in state courts as well as, or course, federal courts.

    And to tie this posting to the original topic of this thread, I’ll say that a co-worker of mine met an attorney from an online dating site who, as soon as they said their first hello, proceeded to mount an inquisition at Uzi-like speed ranging from her likes/dislikes, where she saw herself in 5 years, to how many kids she’d like to have and in what timeframe. Needless to say, she did not go out with him again. Too many questions right off the bat are a turn-off. Too few indicate a potential lack of interest.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

    Reply

  22. VJ Says:

    Terry, We’re not going to agree here about much of anything. Some of that unquestioned Federal legal authority is currently being argued once again before the USSC today. So nothing’s completely ‘settled’.

    But the law here in Ga. is pretty clear. If we say it’s reasonably related to the job expectations? Then it is, and can easily be argued as such to a local jury. Should it come to that. Moreover? Any employer can easily document a string of ‘non compliant’ events serious enough for anyone to be fired. It’s not all that difficult. Let’s be quite clear, we’re not talking about ethnic minorities here. Just mostly overly entitled & lazy ‘white’ folks. And yes, they’ll eventually be let go, we can’t afford to carry such incompetent slackers on our payrolls.

    And again if you look at my questions, NONE of them were asking ‘how many kids’ ‘marriage’ or the usual questions. Nor even the usual ‘likes & dislikes’, they were very specific and unusual queries. Still worse? I’ve asked the same question of Music Majors and gotten blank stares. I’m far worse on History majors too. But alas & alack, much of the time we ‘disqualify’ our applicants with a simple writing test. That’s where most of the grads (including MBA’s) fail miserably. Then there’s the computational bits to consider.

    And not to put a fine point on it? Part of the reason I married the wife is that she’s not a common gossip. Never complains much, despite many reasons to do so too. The real culture of ‘honor, respect & loyalty’ begins within all of us. It’s either a character trait or something built up over many years of careful practice. I’m sorry this cad or others have hurt or offended you, but however they did so? Keeping and nurturing this hatred & grudge against them is unnecessarily stressful, harmful and counterproductive. Even if you can titter about his ‘impotence’ and ‘vienna sausage’. Honor begets honor in return. Honor yourself & forget him. Belittling any one for their random physical failings is futile. We’ll all get there most likely with some time. Cheers, ‘VJ’

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

    Reply

Leave a Reply to ultraviolet

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved