Are You As Good In Bed As You Think?

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.”

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person.  I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled. To me, that’s vanilla because those activities seem so common.

I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain person was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. Once that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.

Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.

We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries. But which boundaries and other outliers help us decide who is bad, good or great in bed?

There are two red flags for me that I believe hints at a person’s lack of sexual technique and desire.

First? They brag.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I now equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

Second?  They have  arbitrary rules that must be followed before they have sex or do something sexual. I was meeting with someone today (the woman I’ll be doing out Blog Talk radio show with starting in April) and we were reviewing online dating profiles for a show segment.  I told her that I was suspicious of any man who answered No to the the OK Cupid question about whether or not he’d have sex on a first date. I understand that many men will say No because they don’t want to look like they’re just looking for sex. I get that. But even that is an expression of insecurity to me. Either don’t answer the question at all, or say Yes. Call me crazy, but I would avoid the men who answer No to this particular question. Either they have “rules” they need to follow or they are so afraid of losing out on an opportunity that they lie. Sexual chemistry is in the top three must haves for a relationship. Without great (and frequent) sex, the emotional intimacy suffers. Equally important, especially for me since I have a strong personality, is a confidence and a comfort in their own skin.Equally suspicious are women who seek casual sex but refuse to have sex with any guy that they meet until they’ve had at least one meeting. Meaning they won’t have sex with them until they’ve met up at least twice.

 

So here are my questions do you, my dear readers.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were great in bed and realized you weren’t as good as you think?

2. What signs do you look for that help you determine if someone is going to be good or not so good in bed?

3. Have you ever thought someone would be great in bed and wasn’t? What did you do?

 

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.” 

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person. And so on. I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled.
I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain better was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. One that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.
Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or  Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.
We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. Many of us have even decided to take back the word “slut” and embrace it. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I know equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

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10 Responses to “Are You As Good In Bed As You Think?”

  1. Just Another Girl Says:

    1. Yes. It is an awful feeling but I hope that we have all been there. A little reality check never hurt anyone.

    2. I 100 percent agree that men who brag about being amazing sexually are just disappointing. Also this may sound weird, but men that are too pretty and usually attract a lot of women are usually a disappointing partner as well. My theory is that they never had to work for some ass and keep it. Men who have always been pretty and popular have nothing to prove and no one who sticks around long enough to correct their bad moves.

    3. Simply yes.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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    • Cookie Says:

      Being good in bed is relative; both parties have to participate and be interested. I do agree too that people who brag about their ‘sexual prowess’ are ususally not good lovers, and are probably selfish and too interested in having their egos stroked than to be a giving partner

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  2. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Some men brag about being amazing sexually because….guess what…sometimes….IT WORKS IN GETTING SOME WOMEN INTO BED.

    And for some men, that’s the MAIN AND ONLY OBJECTIVE.

    They don’t care about your scorecard on their performance afterward. They just wanted to bust that nut.

    jeez.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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    • The D-man Says:

      I’ve never found bragging to be a good strategy. If anything, I’ve found the opposite works better. “I’m really bad in bed. I get confused about what goes where.”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  3. Kay Says:

    I think an important factor in ‘being good in bed’ is simply enjoying the experience. Being present, active, a willing participant and willing to experiment makes all the difference. I naturally mirror my partner’s intensity and passion. I have a high sex drive but when my partner seems distant, tired, or is simply doing it to appease me, it affects my mood, enjoyment, and ultimately, how good i am.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  4. DC Phil Says:

    My answers:

    1. No. With the women, it’s been a mixed bag. Most where somewhere in the middle, though having had experiences before me, they didn’t just lie there like a mannequin. The worst was one late 20-something who was a terrible kisser. Whether naked on the bed or sitting on the couch making out, I couldn’t for the life of me get her to try being looser or even Frenching.

    2. Comfort in discussing sex openly, for starters. Also, a certain vibe she puts out, telling me that’s not uptight and that she enjoys the sensual side of herself. And, of course, how she acts in bed. If she orgasms quickly, then she’s a keeper. :)

    3. I think this has happened at least once or twice, but my memory is fuzzy because it was a while ago. What would I do? Try to get her to relax more and take it slow. After I’ve tried everything and she’s still uptight, might be time to move on.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

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  5. Craig Says:

    1. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were great in bed and realized you weren’t as good as you think?

    I’ve had a few situations where I wasn’t bad per se, but rather I was too um, shall we say…quick. It was humiliating and I actually apologized in each instance.

    2. What signs do you look for that help you determine if someone is going to be good or not so good in bed?

    I’ve been fortunate enough to have encountered very few women who were bad in bed. Of the ones I have encountered, in each instance inexperience, insecurity, or some traumatic event in their past was the root cause. But there were no signs of these pre-existing issues that would’ve be apparent to the causal observer. So I’m not sure there are any signs one can look for in a woman that will indicate she’s gonna be bad in bed. I can say that crazy chicks usually provide epic sex, so I shamefully admit I had a phase where I was drawn to some real nutjobs in my day.

    3. Have you ever thought someone would be great in bed and wasn’t? What did you do?

    Yes indeed. What did I do? Well I’m a dude, so I continued to fuck her of course…until I bailed when something better came along. Even if a woman is absolutely terrible in bed, it beats having to yank my own crank, ya dig?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

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  6. Angeline Says:

    1. Yes, over and over and over with the ex, during 30 years of marriage we realized we knew nothing when we started out, and as we kept acquiring experience and shedding inhibitions we would realize it all over again. We became experts in each other, but that confidence was undermined by realizing it didn’t translate to other guys. Positions that used to work don’t anymore, because of height or size. Guys aren’t as tricky as women I don’t think, but they aren’t a monolithic mass of identical responses, either.

    2. Kissing, sennse of humor when things (unrelated to sex) don’t go as planned, likes to touch and be touched.

    3. The very first guy – I had romance novels and fairy tales in my head, and he was a clueless kid. Blind leading the blinder. Awful, fumbling, clumsy, rushed teenage sex. Bleh.

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  7. A to the F Says:

    You know you’re good when:

    1) the girl you’re with says, “sex isn’t supposed to be this good this quickly” after your first time with her.
    2) the girl you’re with says, “it’s like you’re a mind reader, you know just how to touch me”
    3) any girl you’ve been with calls your for a booty call after the bars close
    4) you have several ex-girlfriends who call you up whenever they’re single to see if you are
    5) you show up at an ex-girlfriend’s wedding (invited of course) and all her bridesmaids and female friends go “So this is A to the F” and fight over you
    6) the girl you’re with says, “no one has ever got me to do that before”
    7) the girl you’re with says, “I haven’t come like that in a decade”

    I could keep going, but you get the point. As a guy, you know when you’re good in bed. And please note, this is very different from every women who thinks she gives good head; listen up ladies, just because the first half dozen guy you blew came quickly, it doesn’t mean you give good head. All it means is that those first blowjobs you gave were among the first times those guys’ penises were touched that way by a girl.

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  8. Jamie Says:

    1. Of course, a long time ago. Since then have come to realize it’s not always about ability but adaptability… everyone is different, and sometimes we match up and sometimes not.

    2. How well they kiss, especially the dude’s attitude during the first kiss. Do they act like they care whether I enjoy it, or are they just diving in with disregard and maybe trying to cop a feel at the same time. If they seem curious and respectful and patient rather than greedy or opportunistic or showing off, that is a big tipoff.

    3. Just go with the flow, enjoy the touching and the companionship, and dial it back to friends-level afterward.

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