How To Win at OK Cupid Dating

So you’re using OKC to troll look for dates. Or “dates.” Here’s what you need to do to beat the fatigue and get ffline.

Update Your Profile Regularly - The problem with OK Cupid (or any other dating site) is that, in order to stay at the top of the searches, you need to update your profile CONSTANTLY. As in literally a few times a day. If you don’t do that your profile gets pushed down in the search ranking very quickly. It’s incredibly annoying and kind of a hassle.   If you ever pay attention to the activity section on your OKC home page, you’ll always see pretty much the same people in that box. That’s because those people are constantly updating their profile or answering a new question. That’s a big reason why people answer so many questions – because that shows up in that activity box on the home page and gets people more views.

Clear Out Your Questions – As I’ve said, those questions can be addictive. It’s easy to get carried away and forget that people can see your answers. The upside, of course, is that people’s answers reveal quite a bit about them. The downside is, people’s answers reveal quite a bit about them. Once you hit 100+ questions, delete them and start over. This time answering different ones. Why? Because after a month or so on OK Cupid, you’re old news. Your profile has been viewed by the same people over and over again. Answering different questions will change your search results and get you in front of a new audience. Also? Avoid the Journals. OkCupid discontinued them awhile back for a reason.

Change Your Username/Photos Regularly – Yep, I said it. Fork over that $9.95 and Upgrade to the A-List subscription. Every three months or so, change your username. Switch in a new primary photo, too. Bam! You’re a new user! Let’s face it. We’re all a little wary of someone we’ve seen on that site month after month. Which means people are also a little skeptical of us. If you’re on a  site that doesn’t allow you to make such changes, scrap it and create a new one.  Work? Yes. This just In: Nobody said life would be easy. If you’re creative or artsy, then post photos that reflect that in order to attract other creative people. Same goes for athletic or active. Those photos need to be updated every 3-6 months. Youw ant to appear shiny and new as often as you can.

Get Rid of Those Artsy-Fartsy Photos/Profile Shots – As I said in a Tweet yesterday, if I have to squint or turn my screen in any way to get a look at you, you’re already too much work. This Just In: People’s patience and tolerance are at an all time low.  No longer are people taking too many chances. They’re going out with people they are excited about. Not “meh” about. That’s why they’re tightening up their search criteria. So get up to speed. For those of y’all who feel posting a photo will be a professional liability, get over yourselves. Dating online is not  a professional liability. Being a self-important d-bag is. If it is a problem, then don’t post a photo and upgrade to the paid membership where you can send pics. Either way, though, you’re still putting your anonymity at risk.

Check Your Basic Settings - Many people often don’t realize that their default settings state that they are looking for “new friends.” Or that they’re desired age range says 18-99. Or, and this is a big one, that you’re actually listed as a year older. Yeah, fancy that. I don’t know what is causing that but many people will enter in their actual birth date and the system calculates their age as one year older. Also keep in mind is that we’re all a  pack of Judgey McJudgersons. So if we see that you’re 35/40 and you’ll date women 21-50 (or 18-whatever) you’ll be deemed a creep. Same goes for the 40+ woman looking to meet men in their twenties. You’re going to be branded something negative. If you want to pull a 25 year old, then email them. But adjust your public age setting to make you look less…delusional.

Search in Age Range Increments of 3 Years - Instead of doing a search for people ages 30-40, do 3 or 4 separate searches with windows of about 3 years each. You’ll get to see more  profiles because you won’t get burnt out from seeing all the same ones over and over. I don’t know how it is for you, but for me I’m no longer able to view profiles by individual page. I just have to keep scrolling. Which, btw, I hate. Just FYI, OKC tech people. One false move and you lose your place. Keep the searches smaller.

Lie About Your Age - I know. Omigod! A lie! At this point, lying about your age is common place. Just add a disclaimer in the beginning of your profile that states your real age. The goal isn’t to deceive. It’s to be included in more searches. Just don’t go crazy, all you “I’m 40 but look 30″ folks.You’ll give people The Sads.

Avoid Certain Body Type Descriptors – I’m lookin’ at you all you “curvy” ladies and ‘jacked” guys. The common search criteria for body types are – Thin, Slender, Petite, Fit, Athletic, Average. If you’re overweight, then select “average’ and be sure to post a full body shot. Remember , the goal is to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible and not deceive anybody or waste their time.I’ll also say this. Nothing says “I’ll date anybody!” than a noticeably overweight woman who chooses “curvy” as a body type. You make yourself chum for every shark on that site.

Don’t Skip Any of The Important Criteria Questions - You know how, for some of the answers, you’ll see a ” – ” instead of an actual selection? Yeah. Number one? You’re not fooling anybody. I did a profile review for a guy who was 5’6″. He chose to skip that question. I told him that that was an obvious sign that he was below “typical” height for a guy. I also pointed out that it kept him out of searches since most if not all women will select a specific height range. Fill those spaces in. If you don’t want to list an income state “Prefer not to say.” (Don’t assume that means unemployed. It usually means someone is being discrete.) If you’re a smoker, that “-” screams “I smoke like a fiend!!”

Keep Your Disinterest/Ambivalence In Having Kids on the DL – Don’t hide it, of course. But select “Doesn’t have kids” (or “Maybe” if you’re on Match) instead of “Doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any.” This is where the questions come in handy. Answer those questions honestly if, in fact, you don’t want kids.

If You Lie About Your Height, Be Smart About It – I can remember reviewing one guy’s profile a couple months ago. His stated height was 6’0″. But looking at the photos, it was quite clear this guy was no taller than 5’10”. How did I know? He posted photos of himself with friends and was noticeably shorter than most. The chances that he was friends with a bunch of giants is slim. Plus, the space between his head and the top of the picture was too wide to be of someone six feet tall.  Fudge an inch if you like. Sorry, ladies. But none of you would know the difference between a guy 5’8″ and 5’9″.  Or 5’7″ and 5’6″. From that point downward it’s all pretty much the same. Same goes for men and weight.  If a woman said she weighed 160 guys would assume she was overweight with no waist. Not true, folks.

Avoid The Rule Breakers & The Ones Who Request You Do Extra Work - I’m talking about the people who refuse to oblige basic online dating etiquette and practice. Like the people who post pics of themselves where their face is hidden or shielded or obstructed. Or the ones who say obnoxious things like, “If you don’t understand that reference, Google It.” Either explain the reference or don’t include it. People don’t care enough about you and your flair for whimsy. Frankly, anybody who does go to that length just to have something to say to you is trying too hard. So don’t complain the next time you meet someone who Wikki’d some dumb Nancy Drew reference you made  and turned out to be a dud.

Avoid The Casual Sexers If You’re Looking for a Consistency/Relationship Of Some Kind- Unless of course that’s what you’re looking for. Then have at it. But, regardless of how great the sex is, you still won’t get together with them regularly. If they got you to respond, there are others. And honestly? The people who select “casual sex” tend to be pretty…off.  If you’re looking for something consistent but casual, go for those who select “short term dating.”

Know When To Stop Talking – Nobody needs nor wants to know about your financial situation or your recent divorce. Any man that says he’s newly divorced and “looking to meet cool people’ is an automatic No for me. Talk about a kid in a candy store. Same goes for the marginally employed, financially strapped. Seriously, what are you people thinking? Think of it this way. If those people were to say that in conversation, how would you feel? Weird, right? Uncomfortable? Yeah. Avoid ‘em. They’re not in a position to date. They’re also socially clueless.


The thing to realize is that by applying all these filters, your options will become smaller. So be it. If you define online dating success with how many dates you get or how many year long relationships you have, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Nowadays, the success is in not wanting to chew your arm off, quitting or giving up. Those ads telling you about all those marriages? It’s a selling point. It’s not reality. The majority of people who use these sites end up dating dozens and dozens of people for a long time until they meet someone that turns out to be long term. Nobody..and I mean nobody…should be on those sites looking for a relationship.

Those sites are for getting you dates. YOU’RE the one who gets you the relationship. And that takes time and effort and experience. The goal as far as I’m concerned is to avoid getting burnt out, duped or disheartened.




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53 Responses to “How To Win at OK Cupid Dating”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    The more I learn about OK Cupid, the more I think it is a horrible dating site. Not because the people on there are such assholes (though indeed they are) but because the site itself seems to encourage certain behavior that, in my opinion, is not conducive to meeting people and forging relationships.

    I’ve noticed that other sites have adopted some of OK Cupid’s methods, so maybe it’s a trend but here’s the problem. An online dating profile is not an opportunity for “self expression” or raw honesty or controversy. It’s an advertisement. Nothing more and nothing less. Most people are not experts in marketing – and, in my opinion, the site should be GUIDING you away from egregious marketing mistakes rather than encouraging them. The Q&A’s, for example, – a subject of Moxies’ prior post – are an unmitigated disaster.

    Imagine a billboard for Coca Cola where, instead of “Coke. The Real Thing” it said “Coke. Tastes Great…. And, here are some Answers to Random Questions. Yes, Coke has 1000 calories and will make you obese. Why, yes, Coke contains toxins that, over time, will eat away at your digestive tract and other internal organs.” You get the idea. Answering questions does not make you more attractive to anyone. It just gives people reasons to exclude you. Have you ever seen an attractive profile but decided to pass because they didn’t answer any dumb questions? No.

    If Ok Cupid encourages you to answer questions to get more attention, then put simply: they suck. My advice. Don’t answer questions. Don’t say controversial things. Don’t try too hard to be funny. Your goal is to be attractive to as many people as possible or, at a minimum, to those people whom you may be interested in. Once you hook them, then you can impress them with your unique qualities.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      The reason I like the questions is pretty much in line with why you don’t. I think those questions help people avoid the time wasters and emotionally unavailable. I can’t stress enough how people should avoid the more personal sex, religion and politics question.

      For every question that might draw you to someone, I can bet you there are a few that would turn you off as well.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        The site that I use has recently added Q&A’s. On the home page, it shows me random responses from everyone, male and female, from anywhere USA so I can see what people generally are up to. In addition to excessive honesty, I’ve also noticed a lot of people respond with really corny humor. Sometimes three people will have made the same stupid joke in response to a question. You’re not funny and, now you’ve gone and lost control of your message. Why? I just cannot see how anyone will find these responses attractive. If you can’t write a profile, hire someone who can. (Nod to Moxie.) But, don’t answer the questions.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I like that OKC gives you lots of space to express yourself; there’s more opportunity to make yourself stand out. I do take your point that lots of people use that freedom poorly and write annoying, self-important manifestos. “Coke: The Real Thing” or “Coke: The 1000 calorie toxin and and and…” Indeed. Eh, then just avoid ‘em. Many of the exact same self-important people are on other sites, they’re just only given 140 characters to sell themselves instead of paragraphs and paragraphs. Someone who’s smart and interesting also has more space to be smart and interesting, which gives you much more to work with if you’re interested and would like to start a conversation. Honestly, I find the other sites pretty boring and generic in comparison. I’d rather read a story and get a sense of someone’s personality and humor than a bunch of check boxes about how they like fishing and are honest and try to be good dads. Snore!

          Lots of people do use OKCupid as a community to meet friends and a platform to shoot the shit online. So yeah, it does/did encourage extraneous bullshit, which does get frustrating/annoying if you just want to find someone to date. Maybe that’s why they got rid of the journals and the “awards” system? To streamline its purpose?

          (I confess that I did answer a bunch of sex questions; partly because I dated someone who was SO CLOSE to perfect sexually. He was a jerk so I stopped seeing him, but I answered a bunch of sex questions hoping I could find the things I liked about the experience in someone nicer. Which…no. Point taken, I’ll take them down).

          (Also, Moxie doesn’t write profiles for others, just edits/gives feedback, right?).

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Another reason I answered the sex questions was from getting advice that said if you’re kinky, you should (tastefully, briefly) advertise that fact, otherwise how would you find others into the same stuff? It’s a bit different than, I dunno, bragging about giving great head (you just look like an attention whore/like you have nothing else to offer, and it doesn’t really communicate anything since pretty much everyone likes oral sex).

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              The truly kinky people don’t run around broadcasting that they’re kinky. That Frisky article I linked to a couple weeks ago was a perfect example of how expressing this sort of thing makes you look . Saying how much you like to be spanked or have your hair pulled (which is so, so, so NOT kinky) and then describing yourself as “kinky” makes you look vanilla to the true kinksters and desperate to the other guys reading. The people who answer those questions truly end up looking ridiculous.

              The problem, like anything else, is that these types of descriptors have different meanings to different people.

              • fuzzilla Says:

                The brief descriptor advice was given to me by someone “truly kinky” who seemed happy and successful that way. I don’t see what’s wrong with a little tasteful hint, a little quote that nods in that direction or something. The equivalent of a small lapel pin as opposed to a T-shirt that says “LOOKIT ME, I’M KINKY.”

                I’m only just a little curious and fine with putting that stuff on the backburner as it’s hard enough to meet a nice guy I can stand without throwing those qualifications in, too. I did try FetLife but never really got into it as it’s “not a dating site” and mostly for couples looking for “play partners.” So basically only has fuckbuddy opportunities for single women. Bleh.

              • joe Says:

                andthatswhyyouresingle, You’re such a cliche and believe yourself to be unique.

    • uesider Says:

      Okcupid’s job is to get people to read the ads on the site. That is the reason for the questions- the end. There was a New Yorker article about a year ago focusing on OKC and the founders stated that the questions have no impact on the “matches” or something to that effect.

      Cynical? Maybe, but that’s why its a free site.

    • Alex Says:

      “Have you ever seen an attractive profile but decided to pass because they didn’t answer any dumb questions? No.”

      Hey, sorry to randomly comment on this post, but I have to say that yes, I have passed on people for not taking part in the site’s features like the questions.

    • Gavin Says:

      “Have you ever seen an attractive profile but decided to pass because they didn’t answer any dumb questions? No.” YES, CONSTANTLY.

      I also very routinely message people I wouldn’t have otherwise due to their questions. Questions are a lot like being polite to waitresses: an excellent indicator of the kind of person somebody is that they don’t think is actually under scrutiny usually thus making it more effective and honest.

      Specifically, people who don’t answer questions in blatantly contradictory ways (answering some response and saying that same thing is unacceptable in cases where it doesn’t make sense, answering oppositely in different similar questions, etc.) are reliably more conscientious and careful thinkers. Tolerance is also EASILY visible in questions by how much of a hair trigger they have for “unacceptable” answers and you can easily see how judgmental a person is. Tendency to provide lots of explanations is great for identifying people with a sense of nuance and gray areas and who don’t just swallow black/white views of the world wholesale, etc. etc.

  2. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Also…this was something I meant to include. The longer the profile is, the higher the likelihood that they’re self-important or self-obsessed. Holy effing balls. The manifestos i read are ridiculous.

    • uesider Says:

      Seriously. Seems like half the female profiles I read are women who are trying to prove how hip, cool and sophisticated they are. I’m looking at profiles of 35-40 year old women, I could understand it if they were 23 years old. I try to be open-minded (not everyone knows how to express themselves online) but it cries out “I want attention” more than I want a date.

      Pro tip ladies (and men too). You’re not a special little snowflake. No one is impressed by what obscure author you read or what unknown indie band you listen to.

      I tried the NY Magazine dating site and the beauty of it was that so little information was asked for. No manifestos, just basic stats (age, etc) and what date you like to do. The site is pretty dead but I had just as good dates there as I did at Ok Cupid.

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        I think the NYMag site is the Nerve dating site, correct? If so, I don’t like that site.

        First, they launched a few months ago and emailed all their old members and invited them to create new profiles and gave them a free trail. Fine. But the trial ended after a couple months. Because there were so few members on there, most people didn’t convert to the paid membership. So the chances that your contacting someone who can reply is slim. I’m not paying $20 so I can reply to an email that possibly is a fake email.

        Second, the site itself is just way too limited, The questions are frivolous and silly and give you nothing to go on. I’m also not a fan of the Twitterish status update thingy they offer. Great. Now people have ANOTHER site where they can post their innocuous thoughts.

        As for the date idea sites, I;m not a fan of those either. My friends use those sites and they’ve all said that they’ve never ended up actually going on the type of date they posted.

        • uesider Says:

          I actually did go on the suggested dates- lot of fun. It is the site. I didn’t renew because most of the members weren’t paid, same problem as match. I did like that there was a sidebar that suggested what members COULD reply.

          Had it’s good points and bad points. I decided that the “quality” was the same as the free sites, so why pay for what I could get for free?

        • DC Phil Says:

          I’ve used HowAboutWe often since the end of last summer and it’s yielded some good fruit here and there. Of course, after I got the hang of the site, I tried to stay away from the canned date suggestions and come up with some of my own — occasionally silly ones like, “How about we head to the local laundromat and suss each other out by our socks and T-shirts?” I did this to see if there were people who could think outside of the box (read: drinks, dinner, gelato, museum visit, etc.) and see the suggestion for what it’s worth, which is just to get the conversation started.

          I also liked HAE because it kept the profile data sparse. That is, it discouraged the long missives that the other sites encourage.

      • DC Phil Says:

        Actually, I am somewhat impressed by a woman if she references some obscure author or a band from years ago. For me, it separates her from the pack and might be a source of common interest. It makes for something better than talking about what’s current on the top 40 charts, or what Oprah has deemed read-worthy.

        For example, I went out with a 31 yr old very early last year who said she liked Echo and the Bunnymen — a band from the 80s. Last week, I went out with 29 yr old who said she loved Rush and was a fan of “Koyannisqatsi.” Now, I ask you, how many late 20-something women out there even know who Rush is? More tellingly, how many 18-22 yr olds love the Beatles or Frank Sinatra? I’ve seen this time and time again in foreign-born and non-Americanized younger women.

  3. L. Says:

    Good article, and good suggestions (see, I don’t always bang the same drum :-)).

  4. PhillyGal Says:

    I thought this was an interesting take, so I changed my primary photos on Match & OKCupid, as well as totally cleared out my questions and started over.

    On Match I’ve been getting more views/winks/messages already. I’m not interested in any of them, but it has seemed to move me up in the searches since I’ve made a recent change. No change on OKCupid yet, but it’s still an interesting idea. We’ll see what happens.

    I’ve only been on the sites for 3 months, but it can’t hurt to shake things up a bit.

  5. uesider Says:

    A good article, but I will take issue with the “lie about your age” tip. Maybe a year or two- but if you tweak the age more to appear in more searches, I’ don’t appreciate it, even with a “disclaimer”. You just lied to me and wasted my time- not a good way to get responses. If you skip the disclaimer and I find out in person, you just lied and wasted more of my time and probably my money. Not cool.

    Some of us have these age/weight/height filters for a reason- it’s not up to someone to decide the reasons aren’t important and try to bypass them.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I agree. 1-3 years isn’t an issue.. People who shave 5-10 years off their age need to suck it up and realize that no matter what they do, they’re target audience still isn’t responding to them.

  6. Diana Says:

    Don’t mean to gush – but this is one of the most helpful posts I’ve seen lately. Tried OKC awhile ago, didn’t really follow up.

    Have been using one of the other free sites for maybe a month or a little more. Plenty of choices, just have to take the time to screen the young ones, old ones, sex seekers, awkwards, too shorts, and too far aways. Still have plenty of choices, I am in an urban area. The bar seems pretty low – the profiles for women in my area who are my age (44yo) are overly negative, full of baggage, or quite frankly, unattractive. Being a moderately attractive, gainfully employed, divorced with a kid but reasonable custody situation seems to be quite a draw to the divorced dads. My only drawback is being only a few months out of a long term relationship, which of course I don’t mention in my profile.

    I have been methodical in my weeding out and selective, why not with many choices? Have had several first dates, no one crazy, just the usual problems – become too clingy right away, no chemistry, scheduling or logistics challenges, etc.

    Still get lots of new messages each day, mostly from people new to the site. I have two problems now. First, for guys that I might be interested in but didn’t respond to right away for whatever reason my profile is stale. Second, some of the guys things haven’t worked out with either send me scolding messages or keep sending new messages trying to change my mind – WTF? It’s a nuisance.

    This has given me the idea to drop that profile, switch to OKC. If things don’t work out there, drop the OKC, switch back, etc. To keep things fresh.

    The good news is that I have someone who things might work out with, so maybe all this speculation is moot. : )

    Anyway, very helpful post if I go with OKC.

  7. BJ Says:

    Whoever wrote this article should be held on charges of crimes against humanity due to its “cool,” “jaded” vulgarity, its sleazy, “let’s get real” cynicism, and its “hipsterishness” that is really nothing more than the cloying banality of juvenile piss-in-your pants “realpolitik.”

  8. OKCuser Says:

    I’ve only been doing this online dating thing for about a week and actually tried what you suggested from the start. I was contacted first by a gal in Croatia (I’m in the US) who just happened to like Asian men, so that was kind of intriguing. But I sent 3 messages out and got 0 responses. Granted, they were really cliche and stupid messages that just told the gal she’s pretty and if she’s interested. You know what I realized after looking at a few similar profiles of guys? Boring, predictable, creepy that he’d ask if I’m interested and not even worth replying to. Women can pick up on all the red flags when you lie, and obviously will if you ever meet them in person. So I figure, why not just go with the honest truth? Omitting stuff that would show your exact location and such of course. Updated my profile 2 days ago. The result?
    ******* says:

    Your profile is the only profile I’ve actually ever thoroughly read and been impressed by. Kudos!

    I received this message from a woman about 30 minutes after I updated my profile. I was so shocked since I was rather insecure about my life right now, so I sent a message to another woman that said she is brutally honest and won’t hold back. She said she really respected the honesty and it was a breath of fresh air. These are opinions from WOMEN guys, so don’t lie if you’re after a real relationship.

    • OKCuser Says:

      Oh, and I’ve sent out 4 messages to active users since then, got 3 replies back. The way you write your profile is what says a lot about you, not what you list about yourself.

      • OKCuser Says:

        Ok, I lied. The truth is, I sent out some 300 messages, and got only 2 replies. I was never contacted first by any women. The only person I was contacted by was a gay male who lives 3 miles away from me. I am in fear of my life that he will sodomize me. Please help.

  9. Mike Says:

    Avoid the marginally employed and financially strapped? I mean that’s a pretty pompous thing to suggest. Who isn’t having to tighten their belt financially in this economy? Just because someone isn’t rich doesn’t mean they aren’t worth talking to. I wouldn’t turn down a relationship with a beautiful girl just because worked a low paying job.

  10. Confused Says:

    Couple questions… Does one receive a notification EVERYTIME a person visits your profile?

    Also can someone tell if you have “saved them to favorites”

    Also will you receive a message EVERYTIME someon rates you 4 or 5 *? I have that option checked and have only received one notification (so be it). But OKC sent me something telling me I have been listed as “hot” because of a lot of clicks to my profile and good ratings. Any feedback is welcome but please respond only if sure.

    • LostSailor Says:

      Does one receive a notification EVERYTIME a person visits your profile?

      No. If you pay the nominal monthly fee, like I do, you don’t see when someone visits your profile unless that person wants you to see they’ve visited your profile. Other than that, I believe that, yes, every visit shows up.

      lso can someone tell if you have “saved them to favorites”

      As far as I know, no.

      Also will you receive a message EVERYTIME someon rates you 4 or 5 *?

      Not sure, but I believe so.

      please respond only if sure.

      I’m not very good at coloring inside the lines…

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        You have it backwards. You pay the fee so that other people won’t see when *you* visit their profile.

        No, you will not receive a notification every time someone views your profile.

        I believe OKCupid has an option that let’s you choose whether someone sees that you saved the to favorites.

        You will get notified every time someone rates you 4 or 5 stars if your email preferences are set up to receive those notifications.

        Disregard the “omigod you’re so hot” emails. They send that to pretty much everyone right after they sign up. It’s mean to encourage you to log back in.

        Any feedback is welcome but please respond only if sure.

        You’re over-analyzing things that don’t matter. People like that almost always burn out quickly and get frustrated. Stop caring so much.You’ll have more fun.

        • LostSailor Says:

          You have it backwards

          Ooops. Yeah, that didn’t come out right…

        • Angel Says:

          Moxie is correct on all points. You can see everyone who visits your profile (unless they pay a premium and browse anonymously) by clicking the “visitors” link. And people can see if you viewed them. If you check often, and sort by “most recent” you can tell who views you repeatedly.

          You get an email only when someone okc thinks is a good match for you views your profile. And only once per person.

          I used to get emails notifying me someone saved me to favorites. And at least daily emails telling me so and so rated me 4 or 5 stars.

          None of this matters except maybe for seeing who has viewed you, because you may decide to contact some of those who viewed you who you think are interesting.

          • Angel Says:

            PS – despite the “you are hot” emails, I actually had no luck on OKC. Oddly enough I met good guys on that crappy site, and then met my current bf on Match. Others may disagree, but I feel the paid sites have a better pool of guys who are actually available and serious about finding someone.

          • Cobalta Says:

            Wrong, Angel. It costs nothing to browse anonymously, and I assume that most girls who are aware of this fact opt to do so. The trade-off is that to browse anonymously means that you won’t get to see who browsed you. But who cares?? What do I care who visits my profile?? If they don’t write, then they’re probably not all that interested, so….. who cares?

            On the other hand, I like to be able to look at guy’s profiles without them knowing I’m there. Before I opted for anonymous browsing, I’d get weird, stalkery messages from guys, starting “Hey, I saw that you viewed my profile, but I didn’t hear from you….” — apparently too stupid to correctly interpret that not hearing from me means I was not interested.

      • MOMMY Says:

        go to “settings” and you can customize your notifications..
        also OKC encourages you to rate profiles.. this helps you (supposedly) to “complete” your own profile, and gives them an idea of what you like to assess matches for you as well…

  11. Confused Says:

    Yes I do tend to over analyze… But what I’m saying is that I should assume every time I check out a girl’s profile,that they know that I have done so?

    And that my list of visitors are all of the unpaid members who visit me?

    And no I don’t believe there is an option on the favorite thing.

    I kinda figured that’s what they were doing with the “you are hot emails”

    Thanks for the help all!

    • Cobalta Says:


      *sigh*….. It’s just not that complicated. Just go to settings, and read the extremely short, simple description of what the settings are. Sheesh!

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Yes, it does. You have to upgrade to the A list subscription to browse profiles anonymously so that people don’t see that you’ve looked at your profile.

        • meh Says:

          actually you can browse anonymously for free but when you enable that, you will not be able to see who visits your profile either.

          if you upgrade & pay, you can browse anonymously & still see your visitors.

          • Steve Says:

            That’s what I thought, however, when I go to settings, it has the option:

            Turn off Visitors (this will clear your Visitors list!)

            This doesn’t say anything about browsing invisibly (unless you have A list). However, maybe this does mean to browse invisibly, as why would someone check to give something up for nothing (to see their visitors). I noticed they do make frequent modifications so what you see one month may not be the same the next.

            • Steve Says:

              One more thing I forgot to say is you can always create a fake profile to browse with. This is also good if you want to see answers to questions you don’t also want to answer.

              • D. Says:

                The “Turn off Visitors” thing means you’re browsing anonymously and that you can’t see who’s viewing your profile.

                If you pay for the A-List service, then you can browse anonymously, but people will still show up as having visited you. Or, like you said, you can get the same effect by creating a dummy profile and setting it to “Turn off Visitors”.

  12. LostSailor Says:

    But what I’m saying is that I should assume every time I check out a girl’s profile,that they know that I have done so?

    I mixed it up last comment: I pay the fee to “browse anonymously” so women don’t see when I’ve visited their profile.

    But Moxie’s right. Don’t worry so much about it. It’s not a science. I don’t pay much attention to the automated emails OKC sends. They’re in a business to keep you on the site. Use the site for your own priorities, not theirs. Try to have some fun, otherwise it’ll drive you mad…

  13. ISOf16 Says:

    OKCupid is, well…. OK at times. But I do call it OKStupid more times than not for the clueless ladies that post some book sized profiles, put up only one photo that most times is of terrible quality, or describe their requirements for that “perfect” man they are looking for. I read so many profiles and think….. ” I cannot possibly meet this ladies relationship demands”.. and I move on. It seems people – men and women” think they are ordering a product from a catalog, and forget you are just seeking to meet another person, and see how it goes.

  14. AtticusFinchII Says:

    Question for the women – I am 51 y/o single professional guy (widowed 11 yrs ago) w/ a 13 y/o son. Based on my experience dating divorced women, I would think that a single parent without an ex to deal with would be more attractive than a divorced one, all other things being equal. On the other hand, I do (obviously) have 100% custody, so it’s not like my parenting responsibilities are just every other weekend and two weeks in the summer.
    Your thoughts?

    • K Says:

      You’re asking whether, all things being equal, women would rather date a dad who’s a widower vs. a dad who’s divorced? I don’t think it would make much of a difference to me. With a widower you might worry that he’s dealing with the grief of losing his wife, or that his late wife is on a pedestal that you couldn’t live up to… With a divorced dad you may have the ex in the picture, but everyone has exes when we’re in our 30s, 40s, 50s, even guys who don’t have kids. I think maybe the divorced guy would win that toss-up, assuming he had partial custody, not full.

  15. Joe Barrett Says:

    Could not agree LESS with the “Lie about your age” point. You can toss it off in your column with a cute little “Omigod!” but the point is you’re actually doing yourself a disservice. Since most lying about age seems to happen with people justifying it because they want to show up in searches for that age range, consider that if someone is actually searching for someone who IS your actual age…. They won’t find you.

    I guess it all depends on whether you want to get caught up in the Cult of Appearance or not. Our opinion is that your profile and the way you make contact with someone determines whether or not you get to the First Date with someone. And maybe you’re just looking for a fling, but if you’re not… It doesn’t bode well for the relationship.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Oh, well if you have a Tumblr and Facebook page with a whopping 21 likes, then you must be an expert and a valuable resource of information.

      consider that if someone is actually searching for someone who IS your actual age…. They won’t find you.

      That’s the point, Joe. If people who fudged their age wanted to be contacted by people their age or older, they wouldn’t fudge their age. But then, that could be solved by broadening your suggested age range.

      Our opinion is that your profile and the way you make contact with someone determines whether or not you get to the First Date with someone.

      And our opinion, which is based not on knowledge and research but on actual first hand experience, is that pretty much everybody lies in one way or another in their profile. Telling people to expect total honesty and disclosure is the disservice.

      So glad you decided to stop by the day before your super informative free seminar on online dating. It’s totally a sign that you’re successful at what you do if you’re trolling the websites of people more successful than you are trying to start a flame war.

    • LostSailor Says:

      I guess it all depends on whether you want to get caught up in the Cult of Appearance or not.

      Ah, the “cult of appearance.” Yeah, you don’t want to caught up in that, with all the weird animal sacrifice and such. Just be yourself. Don’t worry about “appearances” that are only skin deep. You’re a beautiful person inside.

      You really shouldn’t lie to your prospective clients, even in Portland OR. And I’m sure your male clients will get a kick out of taking dating advice in such a compelling venue as the Odango! Hair Salon.

      I’m sure your days of experience as dating coaches will impress. But, hey, good luck with that. Everybody’s got to make a buck, I suppose…

  16. DumbFace Says:

    OkCupid was fun/fine until I got this e-mail saying I was “hot” and all of a sudden had a “changed viewing experience” whereby I was presented with horde after horde of self-centered, narcissistic, princesses. I deleted my profile — leaving all open communications/messages behind — shortly thereafter. Why did they think it was a good idea to pair up the “hot” people? I thought the whole point was to pair you with people you were compatible with.

  17. Morat Says:

    I’ve had a profile on OKC since 2007. Active on and off since then (depends whether I’m in a relationship). There’s some good advice in the original article, and some utter BS. I’m smart. More than college smart, but not *quite* MENSA smart.

    I answer questions honestly, and sometimes quite deliberately opinionatedly. My profile explicitly references that (my answers are to weed out people I don’t want to talk to, or to get people I do want to talk to, to talk about the question and my answer and their answer). I have never, and will never, reset questions. That’s stupid unless you’re looking for a quick shag. I have two photos posted, both 5 years old, and both mirror shots (yes, they need to be updated).

    I’m a nerdy/geek type, although quite presentable in person, but I suck balls at dating IRL. Always have done. OKC allows me to not only be myself, but to be honest and explicit about who I am. If you’re looking for volume rather than quality, then the original article is spot on. If you value quality, then just be yourself and ignore most of the article.

    And be honest. It’s a simple truth, but no-one, and I mean no-one, likes a liar.

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