How Come Women Can Wait To Have Sex But Men Can’t Wait To Commit?

A friend passed along the follow up article to this article this morning and I thought it would make an interesting discussion.

As I said in my original post inspired by the first article, I think that some women wish to believe that men are threatened or intimidated by women who speak their mind or who are upfront about their sexual tendencies and desires. Conversely, many men like to tell themselves that women are threatened by a man who knows what he wants and goes after it or who doesn’t tolerate nonsense.

Neither is true. What makes us take a step back from people like this isn’t their supposed confidence or assertiveness. It’s the slight twinge in our guts that we fell when we sense or see an inconsistency. We’re not intimidated by the person. We become fearful or hesitant. The situation and dynamic has now become unsafe. Accusing someone of being “intimidated” by something implies that they are insecure somehow.  That’s a nice go-to place for those who like to cling to certain narratives, ones where they have some profound hold or affect on the other person.

Getting back to the original article, I want everyone here to imagine this scenario. You go out with someone, everything clicks and you have this great night. The next day you send them a text and tell them how much fun you had and look forward to doing it again. Their immediate response is this:

“Just to be clear…I’m not looking for a relationship.”

Where does your mind go? I’d bet most people would be hurt or embarrassed or at least confused.

What I want to know is how the situation in this article is any different than the example I gave above.I guess that’s what bothers me about both of these pieces. The author is completely discounting the perception and feelings of the guy. I’m in no way trying to imply that the guy probably didn’t let his douchebag flag fly. But I really want people to consider the two scenarios and tell me how they differ.

If he positioned himself as “boyfriend material” by doing things that “boyfriends” do, then slapped a disclaimer on the relationship, he’d be called deceptive or a time waster. So how is that any different than a woman who presents herself sexually in some way? If she’s talking about sex and discussing her sexual proclivities publicly, isn’t she then presenting herself as someone who wants to have sex? Can we agree on that? Nobody is saying that she’s expected to put out immediately. But then, nobody said that the man is expected to commit immediately. Yet women will quickly slam a guy for selling himself as one thing and then abruptly reminding the woman that he’s actually not what she thinks based on what he’s put out there.

The problem here isn’t the laying down of a specific boundary. The problem is both the manner in which the boundary is set and whether or not that stated boundary is consistent with the person’s actions. That’s a very important point that I think many people, including the author of these pieces, is missing. If some guy takes me on a date and breaks out the “we” word and the “next times” and spends 8 hours with me walking in the moonlight, and then tells me the next day out of the blue that he doesn’t want a relationship, I’m going to think one thing – inconsistent. I’m also going to think that this person isn’t safe because how he just expressed himself was abrupt and abrasive. Who wants to subject themselves to possible emotional harm?

Whether it’s advertising or presenting yourself as relationship material or sexual in some way, why is it okay for women to feel strung along or mislead, but men aren’t?

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43 Responses to “How Come Women Can Wait To Have Sex But Men Can’t Wait To Commit?”

  1. Howard Says:

    It’s the same thing. This is the stinking thinking involved:

    “I reserve my right to manipulate, be flaky and lead others up to garden path, only to dash their hopes once I have them on hook. I further reserve the right to be hypocritical should I ever have to face the same from someone. Should that happen, I fully expect people to listen to me moan and complain at blogs and elsewhere”

    And that’s why they will remain single.

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  2. DowntownAngel Says:

    I don’t know … if a guy said “finish what we started” to me in a situation like that i would not like that either. That guy wasn’t smart he had no game. He probably would’ve finished what he started had he not been that much of an elephant in a china shop.

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    • Jamie Says:

      yes… the original poster was imho a bit nuts, or at least, as Moxie said, inconsistent. But the “finish what we started” implies just that: a finish, ie, we finish having sex then seeya bye. Maybe a couple more times sex, then bye, next. What I have seen is that 98% of all guys out there looking for dates (and I’m talking the 40+ crowd, so *especially* the 40+ guy who’s never been married) don’t want any kind of commitment whatsoever, so they’ll go down the primrose path and talk vaguely about fun things to do in the summertime, or taking a long drive somewhere, and then after 2 or 3 or 5 wonderful times (with minimal talking in between), they disappear so no one gets too attached. But at least they maintain the illusion that a LTR is under consideration until they go poof. When someone says “finish what we started” the focus is *all* on the sex, and the illusion just went poof.

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      • The D-man Says:

        in other words, the guy revealed he wanted sex and is therefore a douchebag. But if he’d said “I’m not looking of a relationship right now” after acting all bofyriend-y, he’d be a… manipulative douchebag?

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        • ultraviolet Says:

          Yes, douchebag both ways… both are tricking the woman for sex. you seem to think thats ok if it CANT be gotten easily the honest way. She does not owe you easy sex. You saying or doing dishonest representation, commission or omission to get it is douchebag behavior. thats pissing in the dating pool. thats also bad karma baby, so you deserve life to take a big dump on you… job loss, stolen accident, std, etc…

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          • The D-man Says:

            No one said she owed him anything. The point is that if a guy tells you what he wants, that ipso facto makes him a douchebag in your world. There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting sex. Women who feel otherwise should seek out asexual men.

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            • Selena Says:

              After she told him she wanted to take the sex stuff slow, he replied with maybe they were not a good fit. Doesn’t that pretty much sum it up? An appropriate response would be – “Guess so” – end of text conversation. I can understand she was probably disappointed but, it would also seem she couldn’t leave it at that and provoked him into calling her mean, bitchy and crazy.

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      • Selena Says:

        If you find this is a pattern for you – “then after 2 or 3 or 5 wonderful times (with minimal talking in between), they disappear so no one gets too attached” – perhaps you could be mindful that minimal talking between dates is an indication of lack of interest?

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      if a guy said “finish what we started” to me in a situation like that i would not like that either. That guy wasn’t smart he had no game.
      Lack of game is certainly a possibility, but my money says that she said or did something, which she conveniently omitted from her obviously slanted story, that made him think saying that was okay.

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  3. Brad Says:

    “If some guy takes me on a date and breaks out the “we” word and the “next times” and spends 8 hours with me walking in the moonlight, and then tells me the next day out of the blue that he doesn’t want a relationship, I’m going to think one thing – inconsistent.”

    Excellent, excellent point. Except lets trivialize it further – “then TEXTS me the next day out of the blue”. So the person that the guy is face-to-face is not the person he is behind the texts.

    Text is an appropriate communication tool for “I’m here” or “This is the address of where we are meeting”. As soon as you try to fit complicated/nuanced messages into a simple medium, you have to accept the responsibility for misunderstandings. If you need to communicate a complex message, then the appropriate text is “is this a good time to call?”

    Sure, the guy was clearly ham-handed in his handling. But don’t forget thefriskys blogger’s mantra in her follow-up: “It’s a man’s responsibility to read her social cues, listen, and communicate.” Sounds very one-way to me.

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  4. Dreamboat Annie Says:

    I have a different take on this…sometimes a person can go out on a date, and it’s really great, and you don’t want it to end, and it seems to be moving at light speed…then you get home, have some time to think about it, so you want to put the brakes on so there won’t be any misunderstanding. This is where it can get tricky because the other person may be confused after a txt like that.

    But It’s (the date) not a waste time if , after the fact, I want to slow it down. To me it means that there’s something in me that noticed something; my inner voice trying to say something to me, and I need to listen…jumping in too soon can be as bad as waiting to long to let someone know you are in.

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    • The D-man Says:

      Fine, you thought it over and reached a conclusion. But that doesn’t mean he reached the same conclusion or can read your mind. The onus is on you to reset expectations and not get upset if he’s misinterpreting based on something you actually did with him the night before vs. what you ruminated over in bed alone.

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  5. Jeanne Says:

    If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it probably is a duck. Actions always speak louder than words. Both situations are the same. He thought she wanted sex, she thought he wanted a relationship. Interesting how dating can get so confusing.

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  6. Marie Says:

    Am I the only one here who thinks it’s somewhat odd that this woman was expecting this guy to want a relationship after one date?

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I don’t think she was looking for a relationship necessarily. I don’t think that is what she was communicating. I think, when the guy said he was looking forward to picking up where they left off, she felt pressured and uncomfortable because she feared he was only into her because of what she says in her profile and because she writes about sex. I think she’s well aware of what men are going to expect and want when they learn what she does for a living, and she’s okay with that if it gets her attention or gets her a date. It’s when the time comes to pony up does she back off because she realizes that these men might just be dating her as some kind of experiment and not taking her seriously.

      I’ve been in that position and I have reacted exactly how she is reacting, and I know for me it was a combination of shame and insecurity.

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      • dimplz Says:

        He could have been flirting with her, and she has her defenses up because she’s been used for sex before. If she’s been used before, it’s her own doing. Removing the sex talk from her profile would make her stop looking at every date and thinking, “Does he think I’m going to sleep with him right away because of what I said in my profile?”

        The reason online dating is hard, even once you’ve weeded out the real weirdos, is because people aren’t vulnerable. That’s usually the reason they are dating online to begin with, because they have difficulty socializing in person and need to observe from a distance.

        However, the problem is with her. She’s doing the choosing, she’s giving the signals, and she’s jumping to conclusions before knowing the other person’s intention. That’s why he called her “crazy.” Sure, it was a hyperbole, but she called him an asshole afterwards, so they are both people who have their guards up and a hair trigger temper. Sounds like they could have been a match. Oh well.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I 100% agree with Moxie’s analysis. The dirty, unspoken secret is that she would not be able to get the same “caliber” of dates if she did not include the “sex” talk in her profile and on her blog. And, deep down, she knows it. Men who ordinarily would not give her the time of day are perfectly happy to take her out for a test drive. That is the root of the problem – one which she won’t, or can’t, admit. Everything else – the feminism, the overt sexuality, the feigned horror at being called names, is all decoration to mask her insecurity over the real underlying issue.

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  7. Selena Says:

    I think the mistake was trying to have a conversation supposedly about “boundaries” via text. I do think the guy was a bit too provocative with the “finish what we started” line, but given the woman claims she enjoyed their doorstep make-out session…she could have taken it flirtatiously and texted back “All in good time, all in good time :)”. They only had ONE date, why not leave the expectations discussion for date 2, or 3?

    Putting her sexual proclivities in her profile would seem to be advertising for a like-minded sexual partner. If she wants men willing to get to know her as a person first…why put that out there as some kind of dangling carrot?

    She may be sexually experienced, but she seems a bit dense in relating to men.

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  8. Amy Says:

    I was in the middle of writing my response, when Selena’s post went up. It was mostly what I was going to say.
    I think that texting is a brutal, limited way to communicate and the most fertile ground imaginable for misunderstanding/miscommunication. (even worse than email, which isn’t so great either)

    That being said, his text was positive and had a moving-forward type message, even if had some sexual innuendo. Hers is the one that got all serious and started splitting hairs – i want this, you want that, do we both want the same things, what are you trying to say exactly….etc. She said they went back-and-forth trying to figure out what each other said. To me ( and I bet to the guy, too) that smacks of “TOO MUCH WORK.” Especially after one date. It seems to me that he (in an albeit clumsy way) was moving forward, wanting more, and SHE is the one who put the brakes on. (And Mox, you consistently spell this word wrong – it is brakes, not breaks.)
    So much of the stuff I read says the men are supposed to have desire, pursue, etc. Seemed like he was doing that. They could have gone out again, had fun, gotten to know each other better, and then she was free to continue with something physical or not.
    I think she overreacted and got too serious and exact and freaked him out. Her position made sense, I just would have kept more mystery and seen where it played out.

    So much of dating almost seems to me to be like contractual negotiations these days. The party of the first part states to the party of the second part…. YUCK. What about a little romance, magic, mystery?

    Or am I totally off base here?

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    • Selena Says:

      I don’t think you are off base about people (both genders) wanting a little romance. I think there are people so afraid of being “burned” though, they dissect every nuance of a conversation or action intent on finding a reason to break off further contact. They are able to convince themselves they are *blameless* by doing this.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      If some guy takes me on a date and breaks out the “we” word and the “next times”

      @Amy – Unless there’s another use of the word brakes/breaks in this post, I spelled the word correctly.

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      • hopelessromantic Says:

        I think the words “we” and “next times” are just words and do not have any meaning other than the obvious.

        Also I think if one is dating and looking for a long term, those words by themselves do not turn them off. Only those not seeking serious relationship get offended anything implying relationship flirtatiously or seriously. Also those who are on fence for war of genders, get offended by those words.

        Romantic and healthy people who are looking for love and relationships would prefer a guy who talks normal and naturally and would use “we” where “I and you” would be needed!

        Based on the little silly line this particular guy wrote, it was obvious he was being cliche! rather than implying anything else. Did you expect him to text “let us finish what you and I started!!!!”

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  9. Kay Says:

    I too think she overreacted. Picking up where they left off didn’t necessarily mean sexually. It could have been the nice conversation or overall great date; she jumped to conclusion. She should have gone on a second date. He was being honest, she was being childish.

    But, if you present yourself as sexual, rich, or whatever, don’t be surprised if that is at the forefront of people’s minds.

    Text is intended to be quick, short, casual; one should not have a conversation via text.

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  10. Scarlet Says:

    I cringe when I read her stuff because she’s so misguided. She lives in a vacuum. The editors are happy to let her throw herself under the bus in exchange for page views. She often comes off as volatile, immature and irrational in her articles then wonders why men don’t take her seriously.

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  11. Angeline Says:

    “Just to be clear”- assuming that the guy wanted only sex (which I agree, isn’t at all clear from his text) and calling him on it is not creep shaming, but him reacting to it by calling her crazy, mean and bitchy is shutting her down and not allowing her to express herself? She makes a token swipe at the HR problem, but discounts creep shaming as excusing bad behavior, instead of shutting *him* down for wanting what he wants. Not only that, but she goes for the worst insult she has in her arsenal, that it’s a wacky men’s rights term, so – pile on the derision and ridicule.

    He wants sex? He’s a creep. He responds to overt sexual innuendo or behavior with the same? He’s a creep. It is *exactly* the same thing to make a sweeping and ostracizing judgment of “creepy” for wanting reasonable limits and timetables as it is to label a woman “bitchy” or “crazy” based on wanting reasonable limits and timetables. As pointed out in Moxie’s flipped scenario and in several comments, she is the one who went to dissecting every word and assumptions.

    And where did she come across this gem – “it is the man’s responsibilty to listen and react and change his behavior based on cues he gets from her” … but she has no corresponding responsibility to do the same? At the very least, she has a responsibility to not “get carried away at the front door” so that he can get accurate cues. Good Lord, what an inconsistent mess.

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    • Selena Says:

      “At the very least, she has a responsibility to not “get carried away at the front door” so that he can get accurate cues.”

      I wonder if she has gotten “carried away” on a first date before, found the man had high sexual expectations for the second date and thus may be hyper sensitive to a repeat situation.

      I wonder what would have happened had she just ignored the “finish what we started” text?

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  12. KTR Says:

    I’m a woman and up for sex soon if it feels right. My profile is flirty rather than overtly sexual. Any mention of sex before meeting is a no-no. If he brings it up directly or in a pushy and rude manner then I’m out.

    (a bit like a woman blatantly checking with a man that he is going to treat her a certain way in the early stages. You need someone to verbally GUARANTEE being physically attracted to you or treating you well before even knowing you? There’s normally a good reason for that kind of insecurity, and it’s NOT a positive one)

    But I’m not averse to accepting an invitation “up for coffee” on the first or second meet. It’s one of my checks, too – I don’t want to get involved with someone who isn’t a good – or potentially good – lover.

    If I’ve slept with a guy, I enjoy myself, kiss him on the cheek in the morning, head home. Might drop a text to say “nice seeing you” later that day, if I’m feeling friendly and he seems shy. I’ll leave it at that.

    If the zeitgeist of the interaction is we take it further, it will happen. I see myself as an attractive woman. I’m confident. It’s cool, whatever. I don’t see myself as “hook up material” or girlfriend material” or have a number for my physical attractiveness.

    (I don’t have a “blanket policy” (get the pun ;-)) for timing – it depends on the guy and how I’m feeling. Just because I felt comfortable and randy enough to go home with A three hours after meeting doesn’t mean I then can’t delay things with B because it’s taking longer to feel comfortable and I’m tired and at a low ebb in my sexuality. It doesn’t mean A or B is “better”, just the way the dice roll.

    This is the argument for not putting too much sexual promise on ones profile – it gives a woman more scope to pick and choose the pace of the sexy time when the dates start happening).

    I don’t see commitment as a reward to be dangled in front of my eyes as a trade off for sex – I’m an Okish person, I don’t need some guy I’ve briefly known to state he wants me as a long term companion to me to feel Ok. Even if a guy is a rich banker or a dashing doctor it doesn’t mean his company is a prize to be demanded as proof that I’m worth something (just like men don’t need to have sex with supermodels to prove their worth, lots of good men don’t ;-)) At this stage, we’re BOTH sussing each other out and how we feel, and if we can positively get involved in each others lives. This is how you should roll if you’re a sexually active woman.

    (same with guys who take a girl out a few times. Maybe you drop a few hundred dollars and she doesn’t want to see you again. Who cares? You’re class. You’re a man, you’ll have other ladies. One hopes it was something you did spontaneously as a pleasurable gesture and you both had a good time, not “I REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT BUT I THOUGHT IF I DID THIS THE PAY OFF IS YOU MUST LIKE ME AND BE MY GIRLFRIEND”. That’s a tacky equation).

    If you’re not comfortable with the way you are perceived or having sex early, work out what you ARE comfortable with and present yourself accordingly. Ignore the feminist books or your mates or your mum, and set your own boundaries. This gets easier as you get older. Don’t discuss the boundaries with your date. That’s FAR too heavy. Stick with them and discreetly make sure dates aren’t going in the wrong direction. If you don’t want things going sexual too soon, stay in coffee shops and hold hands to show your affection and don’t get drunk. Be externally sweet but internally cautious. If the guy stops wanting to see you because of this, then you’ve both got out of a potentially tricky situation in a GRACEFUL and dignified manner.

    You keep control by acting in a certain way, by observing actions, and reacting to those actions, NOT by talking about it and negotiating and making demands. Talk is cheap. I suppose you may get the moral high ground of saying “but he SAID this, the lying douchebag” at the end of the liaison, but you’re generally talking to yourself.

    I think offering sex or hinting at offering sex, when it’s NOT something you’re genuinely 100% comfortable with is where the stuff gets sticky. You’re the female equivalent of the guy mentioning his “high income and wanting to share his good lifestyle” on his profile and then sulking when he gets women going “so when are you taking me on holiday” and calling them gold diggers. Don’t offer or hint at offering what you don’t want to give freely. And people WILL take stuff personally – “so it’s just me you don’t want to have sex with, then? What’s wrong with ME, then?”.

    (And dating is not the space for trying to make some political point about sexuality “…yes…but men/women SHOULD think X, Y, or Z….about sex/money”. Fair enough. Try and be the one man/one woman crusader for your POV. Go on, make your dates SEE YOUR POINT. Even if you’ve only spent an hour with them, you need to be RIGHT. You may even get cheers from other bitter men/women. Personally I’d rather observe what works IRL and roll with it and enjoy myself. Shallow, perhaps, contented, yes).

    I agree the guy was classless in the “finish what we started” thing – it hinted of “well I’ll “expect”” to get straight into your bed next time we meet. Classless is not attractive OR sexy, so I’d have been turned off. But I wouldn’t get into some dialogue to convince him he’s wrong and FORCE him into spending time with me in a non sexual manner.

    You’ve known him all of 2 hours, he’s virtually a stranger, and you want to SHAME him into a certain kind of interaction with you? Why would you want someone in your life who wasn’t a willing volunteer to treat you in a way you felt comfortable?

    Quick reply: “Sorry, you’re lovely but my schedules got super busy I’m afraid! All the best, take care”. Then go do some yoga and set up your next date ;-)

    I also agree that being a writer skews this a bit. Getting into the language of “is this a hook-up? What does this all mean? It means X. Wahey I have proof men/women are sexual creeps/gold diggers” makes good column inches and might get you slapped on the back by editors and a small book deal, but do you want to make that trade between contentment and some limited creative success in a niche industry? Some of the best men I’ve been out with haven’t a clue for the “dating game” but like and are interested in “women”. They just want a good interaction in which they feel they’ve conducted themselves considerately and got some enjoyment out of it, however it ends up. Their contentment shines through. I’ve learned from that.

    Over analysing is not sexy or good for your self-esteem. “…ALL guys want sex and nothing else…ALL women want commitment and nothing else…black women aren’t attractive….short guys have it harder…blah blah blah….my dog or this book says I should do this…hey lots of other miserable single women agree with this idea so it must be right….”. Leave the tempting stereotypes behind and focus on interacting in the real world in a positive manner, not trying to pin down everything and define it and use generalisations and analysis as a reason why you are unhappy.

    (Wow that was a rant :-D)

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Wow, good comment. Thumbs up.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        joey

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Yes. Guilty. I admit it. I like easy women.

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          • KTR Says:

            Interesting – I do think the kind of man who thinks in terms of the language of “wahey I scored” and “she’s easy” (betraying a certain hostility towards the opposite sex and often a lot of bitterness formed through rejection – you do notice a lot of men try and get “power” over women who have rejected them by going “oh, she’s this, she’s that”. One finds guys with a history of quality female approval don’t even THINK in these terms) probably won’t have enough essential class to get confident women comfortable enough to sleep with him.

            I think for both men and women, long term, if you fundamentally like the opposite sex and aren’t out to “get” them and don’t think they are out to “get you” – hey you might have been hurt but you’re a confident person with faith and awareness of your own value – it does shine through and even if you get burnt once or twice long term you get the rewards.

            My flatmate is on a very low wage job and is not dating due to personal issues. He’s just a “good guy”. Never does favours to see what he gets in return, but in his social circle he does his best to help out anyone just because….that’s the kind of guy he is? Male or female, ugly or pretty, he’ll respect them. He may have enjoyed a few flings in his time, but you’d never hear him calling them “easy”. He doesn’t tout for sex (in fact most of the time he is “up in his head” thinking about some book he has read) but women come on to him. He was most recently wooed by a pretty European blonde student half his age. If he wanted to be with a quality woman, he could be. It’s notable ;-)

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Interesting, My favourite part was when you said:

              “Talk is cheap. I suppose you may get the moral high ground of saying “but he SAID this, the lying douchebag” at the end of the liaison, but you’re generally talking to yourself.”

              Cheerio.

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              • KTR Says:

                I don’t get it? I really don’t :-)

                I use “you” in a “general” sense to relate to the culture of blaming men for not following through on promises that any sensible woman could see right through or had been forced out of them.

                I have no need to personally call the men I choose to engage with douchebags or whatever at any stage. Or even “easy” ;-)
                I have brothers. I like men. I’m grateful they exist and I feel I’ve been treated well in the past. If an interaction isn’t shaping up so great its noted and cut off sooner rather than later. I don’t need to insult anyone I’ve dated because it never ever gets to the stage where I’m in something uncomfortable and unbalanced for both parties.

                Did you actually read my point about using the term “easy”? What did you think of that? I think the language we choose to use even in a “jokey” sense can betray an underlying bitterness or unattractive value system that is quite apparent to anyone with us.

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                • Angeline Says:

                  I might be wrong, but I read his comment “easy” to mean easy to get along with, not difficult. Then again, DMN is good at hyperbolizing a theme from a post, so he likely did mean to make a joke about cutting words.

                  I have a son and brothers, and the vilification of men for being men, and then whining that they aren’t men, just chaps my ass every time. I see them (my son, brothers) doing this ridiculous dance around the contradictory stuff the women in their lives come up with, trying to “keep her happy” with no corresponding effort on her part. They are good men, and they do (I think) far more than their share in the relationship, but I hear the derisive, “just a man” type crap all the time. If they responded in kind, it would be World War 3.

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                  • fuzzilla Says:

                    I thought DMN’s compliment was sincere but then he got defensive after the “how YOU doin’?” comment, so he sort of diluted his initial compliment, and then KTR was like “WTF? I’m being insulted now?”

                    I was just reading a book about pickup artistry. One section said if you’re interested in someone and someone cockblocks you and sidles up to the person you’re trying to talk to, you should comment on how the two of them make such a great couple they should get married, and basically kind of tease them and make them uncomfortable and defensive and thereby take back control of the situation (I don’t think Moxie had any kind of agenda like that, was just reminded of that passage).

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      Ha, close. The initial compliment was sincere. Everything after that was a joke based on Moxie’s meme, and not defensive – or, at least not defensive in a serious way. I do look forward to further interpretations though.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  I think, by getting so defensive about an off the cuff comment, you pretty much negated everything you said in your original comment. What DMN said was said with the intention of gauging your response. Basically it was a test and you failed.

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  13. Gorbachev Says:

    The reason the guy thought she was crazy was, as the author here says, because she was inconsistent. Through her behavior, she advertises one thing, then withdraws it. It seems schizophrenic.

    At best, it was manipulative. On the part of the woman, it as a pure relationship power grab: She was trying to fore-reset the tone of the interaction after she decided she wanted something else.

    This is what she’s doing: She’s hanging sex out as a bait for men. If she likes the guy more than would be appropriate for a fling or one night stand, she suddenly withdraws and waits for more investment.

    Her open letter to the “creep” and the discussion about what a “Creep” is, including a discussion of creep-shaming, is all red herring. The point is she needs to portray the man as in the wrong, and takes the time to side-swipe “MRM”s and a few other targets along the way – the “And I’m glad you didn’t gall me fat. Maybe the next girl?” comments she liberally threw in. She’s not a deep thinker. She’s fighting her own ghosts, or someone else’s ghosts – not making relevant comments about this particular guy.

    What she was doing was making a crass, poorly articulated power grab. She was renegotiating the terms of an interaction mid-interaction.

    Suddenly, for THIS guy, she doesn’t want to appear slutty or easy. Too late, but there’s no avoiding a narcissist when it’s you.

    Her near-total narcissism in believing that she can single-handedly renegotiate this interaction *without* his opinion or input is typical of most feminist commentary. It permeates the entire sphere.

    Men should be props for women to act upon. How interesting that most women can’t see this.

    Some can.

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    • Selena Says:

      I think it’s much simpler than that Gorbie. She got a little physically “carried away” with a guy she’d only known 2 hours. He texted her a line many women would find off-putting. Maybe he thought he was being flirtatious. Maybe he thought she was as eager as he to “finish what we started”. Maybe the filter between thought and thumbs took a holiday when he wrote that. Who knows, but what’s less murky is that she wanted to press the point she wasn’t looking for just a hook-up. And she pressed it enough to make him back off altogether. And that’s what really made her mad. How dare he not want to see her again?!!! She didn’t like him being the one to decide that. All the rest is just blah, blah, blah. She only spent 2 hours with the dude – Jeezzus.

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  14. J Says:

    question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.

    He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction….. what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..

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