Is Slutty Really Such a Bad Thing?

Name: Linda
Age: 39
Question: My last relationship was very sexually intense. My Ex and I were very sexually compatible and had similar interests. I’ve been dating someone new for about 6 weeks. He’s more reserved than my Ex. The sex is great but I want to incorporate some of my fantasies into it. When is the right time to ask him for certain things i.e. facials, porn, etc? I feel shy and embarrassed asking him for what I like. I don’t want him to think I’m slutty.
Age: 39
State: NYC


Oh, sweetie. It’s never too soon to ask for a facial. :)

I think there’s a difference, at least in a man’s mind, between a “slut” and a woman who is “slutty.” My belief is that most men like “slutty” women. And yes, they’ll even date them seriously despite what you’ll hear out there from your girlfriends and insecure men.

You never want to deny yourself pleasure in this area for the sake of not looking “easy.” The trick is to make the guy think he’s the one who inspired this sudden, slutty turn. You don’t want to say something like how you love it when men do XYZ. The reasons should be obvious. While he might enjoy that one particular act in the moment, at some point he’ll imagine some other dude doing that. That kind of takes the fun out of it.  The guy knows he’s probably not the first guy to do these things to you. He just doesn’t want to know it. Catch my drift?

As far as the timing, you obviously shouldn’t be pulling out the bag of tricks after one or two dates. Get to know each other first. Find your sexual groove. That in and of itself can be fun. A lot of people have secret fetishes and fantasies that they’ve never shared because they’ve never felt comfortable. So start there. Ask him about his fantasies. Open up the dialogue that way. Then share yours. Just leave any mentions of past lovers out of it. Tell him that when you fantasize about such and such, he’s the man in the fantasy. Best time to do this is when you’re in bed. Obviously. Maybe you’re revving up for a session and you just come out and ask him what he likes.Ask him if he’s every been with two women. That usually kick starts the conversation. Once you get them going down that path it’s pretty easy to tell him you want a facial. A facial seems tame in comparison.

Ooh. I know. Here’s something fun. On your next date, excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. From there text him how you have been thinking all night of him doing XYZ., so can we pay the tab when you get back and get out of  here? There are all kinds of ways to make this fun and open his eyes to what you like. Send him erotic photos. Tell him you had a dream or fantasized about him that night or morning. Write out the fantasy and email it to him.

As long as you and this guy have established a good sexual rapport and the basic foundation is there – attraction, compatibility, mutual respect, arousal – you should be fine. But watch for any comments he might make that sound like judgments. As I’ve said before, any time I saw a man’s OK Cupid profile and he states that he doesn’t or won’t have sex on the first date, I roll my eyes and clicked the back browser. Same if he said “yes” to the question of whether or not there is such a thing to having too many sexual partners. He’s either lying or he’s insecure. If you are going to answer those questions, and I don’t think you should, be honest. Those men need to realize the type of women they are scoring points with – the ones who need to feel “special” or who denies that they’re “that kind of girl.” Let me tell you something…most of those women? They’ve taken a number of blasts to the face. I can assure you of that. So you ultimately end up with a woman who is either completely disinterested in sex, makes you work for it  or who denies that she likes it.

For the guys who say they insist upon only seriously dating women with a low partner count, I’ll say this. You’re either  woefully sexually inexperienced yourself or just plain bad in bed.  Same goes for the ladies. If you shun a guy for his level of sexual experience, it’s not because you think he’s a “manwhore.” It’s because you fear you won’t measure up or don’t like sex and don’t want to be expected to have it very often.

There. I said it.


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29 Responses to “Is Slutty Really Such a Bad Thing?”

  1. Badger Says:

    First, there’s a major context problem here. You’re having regular sex with the same guy in a relationship-y context. You’re not a slut at all (at least not based on those facts).

    Now it sounds like you’re worried that:
    (a) He’ll be turned off that you obviously have some kinky sexual experiences before you met him, or
    (b) He’ll think you’re an incorrigible freak he can no longer relate to (Chasing Amy syndrome)

    I don’t think (a) is a risk. I hear this from very young women who don’t want to break out their killer blowjob technique because it would give away she had a previous dick in her mouth, but if he expects you’re a 39-year old virgin who just so happens to blow his mind in bed already, he’s just crazy.

    (b) is a bit more of a risk – not much, more on that below – but you’re just going to have to take that risk to discuss it with him, the sooner you find out whether or not he can match your sexual tastes is the sooner you can move forward with him or move on and find someone who rubs you the right way (ahh see what I did there?)

    Here’s one other thing to consider: we guys have PLENTY of fantasies and things we’d like to try. Men are famous for this, and porn films play into those thoughts. But with some women, getting even missionary sex is like getting blood from a stone. So sometimes we get in the habit of not asking or pushing because we think we’ll be punished with a pearl-clutching scene of shocked horror that he’d dare ask her to do it with the lights on instead of in total darkness.

    It’s like getting asked out to begin with – lots of guys who would be good, strong men in a relationship don’t ask women out because they perceive lots of uncertainty and risk (rejection, or even public humiliation). I tell women to give the guy a straight signal that making a move is low-risk; at the same time, my blog tries to tell guys how to find low-risk romantic situations.

    My point is that you might be surprise how he reacts to your desires, he might be really into it and really love that you are too.

  2. Badger Says:

    “As I’ve said before, any time I saw a man’s OK Cupid profile and he states that he doesn’t or won’t have sex on the first date, I roll my eyes and clicked the back browser.”

    That question is a big two-way shit test. A guy who says no is obviously suspect as bullshitting and every woman will wonder what’s up with him, and a girl who says yes will be at risk to be marked as DTF. It’s better off to not answer probably.

    • Howard Says:

      Yeah the freaky guys do grow older, and do sometimes prefer to never do one night stands and first date sex again. All it would have taken is something like crabs, skin rash or some disease you can still get wearing a condom to motivate one to avoid that. Also, the novelty factor of that wore off like over fifteen years ago. And if you are really freaky, you will probably be bored with vanilla, so you might be motivated to get to know the person a bit better before going down the fetish road with her. So reading into a man’s opinion on first date sex may not be worth much.

      Regarding the facial thing, if it has to be accident the first time, that is not so bad. He might even believe he turned you out good the next time when you are doing the asking. Guys do like that narrative where they think they are so awesome that they are the ones making you do something freaky that you might not normally do. So let the games begin!

  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Side question. Maybe I’m inexperienced, but why do you have to “ask” for a facial. Can’t you just put your face in the line of fire?

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Asking for it is half the fun. So I’ve heard.

      And not sure how many penises you’ve handled but, um, those things can get a little squirrely when they’re about to erupt.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        I’ll admit I’ve only handled one (my own), but it doesn’t seem all that “squirrely”; if you can manage to keep it in your mouth for a blowjob, what’s so tough about backing off at the last second? Your hand is on it either way, and you can aim where you wish. In fact, when young, I ended up giving several girls facials when they found they couldn’t finish a blowjob. (And that, I suspect, is at least part where of the attraction comes from.) This is not rocket science.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          The point of a facial is that she *wants* it in her face. That’s what makes it hot. Trust me, if she “couldn’t” finish giving you head, its probably because she didn’t want to. Jerking you off was the lesser of two evils for her. I doubt she enjoyed it. She just didn’t want to swallow.

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            I’m aware of that. My point is that if an inexperienced girl can give herself a facial by accident, an experienced woman shouldn’t have any trouble doing so on purpose. And, yes, telling him your plan beforehand makes it even hotter.

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              And I’m saying that that defeats the purpose. For some women. Because they like to feel like the guy is actively marking his territoryand taking ownership.

              So I’ve heard.

              • Active Listener Says:

                Would someone please continue this conversation? Pretty please? With sugar on top? ;-)

                I will add to this that the girl *wanting* it (versus an accident) makes it way more exciting. I was discussing this with a female friend of mine the other day … Asking a guy where he wants to finish is hot, but telling a guy where YOU want HIM to finish is way hotter.

              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                I’m confused. In response to a question about just “putting your face in the line of fire,”, you said that a penis was “squirrely” when a guy was about to come, implying that giving yourself a facial was somehow difficult. I pointed out that many women do (or have done) so by accident, so it can’t be that difficult. Asking him to do it is a slightly different matter, but I’ve never had any difficulty doing so myself either; I own the equipment and know how to operate it.

                Yes, “marking [our] territory” is another part of the attraction, but that’s about motivation, not the (lack of) difficulty of the act itself.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  What are you confused about? Nobody wants some sloppy facial. Sticking your face in front of a guy’s penis versus kneeling in front of him and saying “I want you to come in my face” is like comparing drinking water from a bubbler versus a glass. Guess which is better?

                  I get it. You’re defending your point that a woman can just stick her face in there and catch it on her face and that penises aren’t squirrely. Or at least yours isn’t. Gotcha.

              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                Interesting. So, it sounds more like you think the guy wants to cum on your face, and you want to please him, rather than having your face blasted being something you really want for yourself.

                “Marking your terriorty” implies that men naturally want to cum on a woman’s face to fulful some primal instinct. I don’t think that’s true. Personally, it’s not something I need or want to do. My personal view is that a woman’s mouth should be so occupied during oral sex that she should not be able to speak at all, let alone to start making requests of me.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  If a woman asks for it on her face, she wants it on her face.

                  So I’ve heard.

                  “Marking your terriorty” implies that men naturally want to cum on a woman’s face to fulful some primal instinct. I don’t think that’s true.

                  And I think you should try that broccoli before you say you don’t like it.

                • The D-man Says:

                  It’s a complex dynamic. I don’t feel the need to mark my territory, but if a girl asked for it, I would definitely feel like a boss – partly because I’m marking my territory but also because she feels like I “own” her enough to want my mark.

                  • Howard Says:

                    This is an interesting back and forth. It kinda reminds me of women not wanting to ask a guy to do something, he should somehow just figure it out. The best solution is really the accident the first time, with the requsite, “OMG I can’t believe you did that to me” while rubbing it all over her face and breasts with that submissive look on her face. Or even better using her fingers to taste some from her face. Next time, she can get her freak on, by asking ahead, or even better, him making her take it on the face dominant style.

                    IMHO, if she has to have a discussion, more is lost with that strategy.

    • The D-man Says:

      Dang. I’m not even into facials but it would certainly be hot if a girl asked for it.

      • Horace Says:

        Yeah, I’m 37. Facials seem sooooo like 15 years ago. But if a girl asks for it, it’s still pretty awesome.

  4. A to the F Says:

    “Come on my face”

    Ask and ye shall receive.

  5. Lynne Says:

    Say your reading 50 Shades of Grey and are so turned on you have to try some things…

  6. Horace Says:

    “The trick is to make the guy think he’s the one who inspired this sudden, slutty turn.”

    This isn’t the trick for guys. It’s the trick for everyone. Facials, anal, recording it on your iPhone… for me it’s always “her” idea ;). I’ll probably seed the conversation with some comment about how it’s a shame that most women still haven’t really embraced their hard-earned sexual freedom… life is a string of experiences, either intense or forgotten… to forge a real, forever-type connection is to lose yourself completely in each other, romantically, intellectually, and–finally–sexually. Or something like that. It doesn’t seem to sound corny when you’re all into each other and hopped up on those courtship hormones, and it’s all actually true. The truth can be more manipulative than a lie.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      You know what would be better? Not having to psychologically coerce women into havig sex with you. Jesus. Do any of you guys date women who aren’t somehow fundamentally messed up? Wouldn’t it just beeasier to date a woman who didn’t need all that junk just to have sex? How exhausting. I swear some of you *like* difficult women.

      • Jamie Says:

        It’s all good as far as I’m concerned, but I don’t like to talk about it before or during the first time or two. Also, if I’m not ready for something, I’ve found it’s a BIG mistake to admit having done it or anything like it before, because then it’s like a whinefest of oh you claim to feel xyz about me and you did it for someone else so why not meeeee? Better to change the subject and avoid answering, or just say “I have to think about that one.”

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Wouldn’t it just beeasier to date a woman who didn’t need all that junk just to have sex?
        Yes, it would. If you know where these unicorns hang out, please let us know.

  7. LaLa Says:

    Why don’t you ask him what he likes or what his fantasy is and if it’s the same as yours tell him you like it too. Or just say, “I think it’s really hot when you …” If you think he’s more reserved, or you don’t want to come off too intense, introduce one thing at a time building up to the more risque. I don’t think a guy would have any problem with your fantasies. Men usually like “A lady in the street and a freak in the sheets”. Just build it up. That way you keep things fun and fresh and constantly evolving.

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Many people fear revealing their fantasies may freak out their partner–and that’s probably wise. Most people aren’t as open-minded as they like to think they are, which is why that has become a codeword for “kinky” in online dating profiles. Even then, one person’s kink is another person’s vanilla, so it can be a gradual and delicate process figuring out whether discussing various interests is going to risk tanking a promising relationship.

  8. Jack Says:

    “And yes, they’ll even date them seriously despite what you’ll hear out there from your girlfriends and insecure men.”

    I keep hearing this rubbish about men being insecure when they don’t want to get with a slut.

    TRUST ME. No real man wants a woman that has been ridden like Sea Biscuit. Especially when it’s something that other people in his social circle know about. It’s not cute.

    To the point of the lady above, I guess you’re dealing with an age issue now. How is it that a guy doesn’t even attempt? I guess I do know a couple of guys who avoid the “kinky stuff”. I even have a friend who thinks the facial thing is degrading to women. I’m thinking, “How can you say that when she’s asking for it”? Nothing degrading about that.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Ugh. Shut up.

      How sad and pathetic are you that you would even care what your so-called friends and social circle even think. And if your only options are women in your social circle, maybe that’s a sign that you have a lackluster social life and shitty friends. Just shut up with this dreck.

  9. Lele Says:

    I would cherish a slutty woman whereas I would disregard a slut. They are not the same thing. I hope this helps.

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