Question: My last relationship was very sexually intense. My Ex and I were very sexually compatible and had similar interests. I’ve been dating someone new for about 6 weeks. He’s more reserved than my Ex. The sex is great but I want to incorporate some of my fantasies into it. When is the right time to ask him for certain things i.e. facials, porn, etc? I feel shy and embarrassed asking him for what I like. I don’t want him to think I’m slutty.
Oh, sweetie. It’s never too soon to ask for a facial.
I think there’s a difference, at least in a man’s mind, between a “slut” and a woman who is “slutty.” My belief is that most men like “slutty” women. And yes, they’ll even date them seriously despite what you’ll hear out there from your girlfriends and insecure men.
You never want to deny yourself pleasure in this area for the sake of not looking “easy.” The trick is to make the guy think he’s the one who inspired this sudden, slutty turn. You don’t want to say something like how you love it when men do XYZ. The reasons should be obvious. While he might enjoy that one particular act in the moment, at some point he’ll imagine some other dude doing that. That kind of takes the fun out of it. The guy knows he’s probably not the first guy to do these things to you. He just doesn’t want to know it. Catch my drift?
As far as the timing, you obviously shouldn’t be pulling out the bag of tricks after one or two dates. Get to know each other first. Find your sexual groove. That in and of itself can be fun. A lot of people have secret fetishes and fantasies that they’ve never shared because they’ve never felt comfortable. So start there. Ask him about his fantasies. Open up the dialogue that way. Then share yours. Just leave any mentions of past lovers out of it. Tell him that when you fantasize about such and such, he’s the man in the fantasy. Best time to do this is when you’re in bed. Obviously. Maybe you’re revving up for a session and you just come out and ask him what he likes.Ask him if he’s every been with two women. That usually kick starts the conversation. Once you get them going down that path it’s pretty easy to tell him you want a facial. A facial seems tame in comparison.
Ooh. I know. Here’s something fun. On your next date, excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. From there text him how you have been thinking all night of him doing XYZ., so can we pay the tab when you get back and get out of here? There are all kinds of ways to make this fun and open his eyes to what you like. Send him erotic photos. Tell him you had a dream or fantasized about him that night or morning. Write out the fantasy and email it to him.
As long as you and this guy have established a good sexual rapport and the basic foundation is there – attraction, compatibility, mutual respect, arousal – you should be fine. But watch for any comments he might make that sound like judgments. As I’ve said before, any time I saw a man’s OK Cupid profile and he states that he doesn’t or won’t have sex on the first date, I roll my eyes and clicked the back browser. Same if he said “yes” to the question of whether or not there is such a thing to having too many sexual partners. He’s either lying or he’s insecure. If you are going to answer those questions, and I don’t think you should, be honest. Those men need to realize the type of women they are scoring points with – the ones who need to feel “special” or who denies that they’re “that kind of girl.” Let me tell you something…most of those women? They’ve taken a number of blasts to the face. I can assure you of that. So you ultimately end up with a woman who is either completely disinterested in sex, makes you work for it or who denies that she likes it.
For the guys who say they insist upon only seriously dating women with a low partner count, I’ll say this. You’re either woefully sexually inexperienced yourself or just plain bad in bed. Same goes for the ladies. If you shun a guy for his level of sexual experience, it’s not because you think he’s a “manwhore.” It’s because you fear you won’t measure up or don’t like sex and don’t want to be expected to have it very often.
There. I said it.