Do You Come Off Like a Dating Slut?

I’ve been reading this blog for the past hour or so and came across an interesting snippet.

I simply had tea with a man who asked the same cliché career-related questions as nearly all the men before him. But things did get a bit more interesting when I told him why I never studied writing in school:

“I knew I needed a subject to write about. I wanted to know something deeply. Mostly, I think a writer’s job is to lead an interesting life.”
“You are really mature!”
“For 26, you mean?”
“No, in general. You are more mature than me. You actually come across as intimidating in your Match profile, like you are really comfortable – a pro at dating. And you are much sweeter in person.”

He then asked for feedback on his own profile, and joked, “Do I have to pay you for this?”

As a result of our chat, Mr. Gets Me Thinking inspired a shift in my perspective that could be crucial to my success in the quest for love:

  1. Good riddance to going out with men who I am not attracted to in hopes that they will become attractive to me.  From now on, hot boys only! I deserve them.
  2. My target market is age 30. Old enough to think about marriage, yet young enough not to have grey hair.
  3. Revise Match.com profile so I do not come off as a dating expert. Maybe if I dumb myself down just a tad in this area, they will stop asking annoying questions about my work…

We talked the other day about making your partner think that they were the one to inspire or encourage a more sexual or “slutty” side. My advice was to never give it all away upfront and make them feel like they were the first.

But what about when it comes to dating? Is it possible to be considered a Dating Slut? As others have said, if someone makes any kind of indecent proposal to you on a date, it’s not a compliment. It’s an insult. Does the same apply if they talk to you as thought they perceive you as some kind of professional dater?

I did a little research of various dating sites last week – How About We & Nerve. When I did a search through their members, I saw a large cross section of people on both sites as well as OK Cupid.  My guess is that the majority of people on HAW and Nerve are not paid members and signed up out of curiosity than anything else. I came away from those sites seeing certain guys in a different way. Here they were, on all of these sites, checking in regularly or daily.

I imagine my impression was the same of someone who takes out a woman who writes about her dates.  It wasn’t so much a “what’s wrong with them?” feeling that I had. More like a “is anybody good enough?” and a “do they even want a relationship or just like to serial date?” feeling.

One great way to either stay single in perpetuity or meet men who just like to be written about on a blog and who use you is to position yourself as a serial single girl on the internet. The problem isn’t just the fact that the women document their dates. It’s the fact that they are letting any man that comes near them know how many dates they’ve had. Dates. Not sex. Dates.  What guy with any self-respect is going to throw his hat into that ring for any reason other than a) he thinks shes damaged goods or b) he’s looking for attention?

Same goes for men that I see on all of these sites. Why should a woman go out with a man who is spreading his online dating legs on every dating site possible? Are they attention whores? Too picky? Serial daters? Bloggers? Online Dating Lifers?

Am I weird that I couldn’t give a hoot about how many sexual partners a man has had but I am uncomfortable with the idea of how many dates he’s had?

One of the reasons why I suggest to people that they create a new dating profile every 6-9 months is because I want them to avoid being labeled a professional serial dater.You need to do a total overhaul of your profile. New photos, new profile text, the works. I’m convinced that if you stay on one site for too long using the same photos and ad text, you immediately become considered a slutty dater and are therefore ignored.

There are other things to avoid so that you’re not tagged a Dating Slut. Such as:

1. Taking dates to your “regular” place - Yes, I know you feel important when the staff addresses you by your first name. Your date, however, is wondering how many people you’ve taken to this establishment.

2. Documenting your dates anywhere - I’m sorry, but nobody other than the people who can’t get dates wishes to live vicariously through your live tweets. Shut up. Nobody cares. You look sad. I’ll say this right now…if you are public about your love life in any way,  the majority of people you meet will not take you seriously. Anybody who aggressively panders for attention on the internet will be deemed an experiment. At best you will be someone they rotate in on their roster. Or you will attract people who aren’t very healthy or with malicious intent.

3. Bragging/Reminders – If you have to constantly update your FB profile photo to be of you and your SO so people know you’re still with so and so, all you’re telling your followers is that you can’t believe someone has stuck around for that long. Same goes for the updates where you shoehorn in the word boyfriend or girlfriend. As in “My girlfriend got me to try this great new orange juice. Tropicana rules!” It’s not genuine happiness. It’s shock combined with insecurity compounded by a bottomless need for attention that compels people to do this. Pick a profile photo of you two, stick it up there and STFU about it.

4. Discussing your dates..with your date - Got another date lined up for that week? Great. Keep that to yourself. Any time someone make sit a point to tell you about their other dates, they’re doing so for a reason. Either they’re trying to come off aloof and busy or send you a message that you shouldn’t get too attached. Save your horror stories for nights out with your friends. And keep them off the internet.

5. Having a “been there/done that” attitude - If you’re that immune to the excitement each date can hold, or if you’re so jaded, stay home. Don’t rain on your date’s parade.

Anything you’d liek to add?

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28 Responses to “Do You Come Off Like a Dating Slut?”

  1. rick Says:

    pot kettle black much?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

    Reply

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Not at all. I use one site and create a new profile every few months. Sorry if I struck a nerve.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

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  2. Mark Says:

    You want what you want.

    If it’s black tea, good. If it’s orange pekeo, that’s good also. Maybe you want a walk on the wild side and prefer blooming tea.

    The point is still the same. You do what you think and feel what you ought to do. Your reasons are your own. Always been that way, always should.

    Just a reminder: Try not to find yourself in the realm of indecision forever chasing those ever elusive banners. Always close…but never quite catching.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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  3. wishing u well Says:

    I think I’d like to add this one:

    #6. Mentioning how long you’ve been on a dating site and / or that you have tried / are currently on multiple dating sites.

    Tends to give the vibe of you being either the ultimate player or that you aren’t having any luck. Not a good idea to get your dates wondering early “What is wrong with you that you have to go this far?”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  4. Rebecca Says:

    I’m confused about why you would want to create a whole new profile every six months. Although I do keep my profile updated, including new pictures now and then, my thought is that if the guys on the site aren’t interested in the first six months, then I’m not going to trick them into liking me by changing my user name, posting all new pictures, and completely rewriting my profile. Maybe I’m misunderstanding the intent behind the advice. Unless it’s just to have a new “start date” – in which case why reinvent your profile – you’re not going to fool the people who have seen your profile up there for months anyway.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I don’t think it’s to trick anyone into liking you or thinking you’re a different person, it’s just to show up in more searches and get noticed.

      OKCupid used to say “member since (year),” but I don’t think they do any more. Good; I hated that because I had a boyfriend at the time I joined and really, honestly, only created a profile to take quizzes (my online friends would sometimes post quizzes about “which Beatle are you?” or “which Scooby Doo character are you?” or whatever. I’d be like “hey, that’s a fun gag/timewaster/conversation piece,” click on the link, et voila, thus began my acquaintance with OKCupid. You’d get to the last question and it’d be like “if you want to see your results, you must create a profile!”).

      Who *would* like their join date advertised? If it’s been a while, it makes it look like you haven’t had any luck when you could’ve just joined to take quizzes, taken several breaks in the meantime ‘cuz you were dating someone, etc.

      Long story short, I joined OKC a long time ago and I for one could probably stand to do a profile overhaul..

      (Does anyone else get annoyed when people go on about “Sex In The City” because the show is called “Sex AND The City”? I know, I need more sleep or sex or both).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  5. L. Says:

    I like #2 through #5. Very helpful and insightful. But honestly? The rest of this is overthinking and overanalysis. You’re projecting your thoughts into the reader’s head and presuming that they think that way. And the more you do this, and the more people that read this, the more people will begin to think that way (just as the more people who watch SITC and the Bachelor, the more people who will believe that this is the way dating really should be … consciously or not).

    Want to be successful in dating? Stop the overanalysis and overthinking. Stop the assumptions and prejudice (both genders, btw) before you meet someone. There’s a limit to what you can learn about someone from a dating profile.

    Even the idea of having your profile on multiple sites. Why make the assumption that you can know for sure what that person’s motivations are? Suppose they don’t log onto all those site regularly, don’t use them all, and just have been too lazy or didn’t think of removing their profile from some of them? Suppose they started dating someone and they wanted to track whether he/she logs onto those sites? There are a thousand possibilities. I even came across someone once who was letting someone else use her profile to do searches (although I thought that was stupid).

    For gosh sakes, DATE! Go out there and try to keep an open mind and date! Stop making judgements before you talk to or get to know someone, because that’s the surest way of reducing your odds and remaining single for the rest of your life.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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    • wishing u well Says:

      I think you missed the overall point / gist of the post. These are things not to SAY to someone you’re already dating….and the assumption is, of course, that you’re actually out there dating and enjoying it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      You’re projecting your thoughts into the reader’s head and presuming that they think that way.
      No. I’m TELLING YOU that this is how people think. People see an obviously old photo or one that they probably saw on your profile 3 years earlier and you’re going to end up being ignored. Hypocritical? yes. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. That’s why I advise people to switch it up as much and as often as possible.

      Suppose they don’t log onto all those site regularly, don’t use them all

      As I said in the post…I was referring to people who use multiple sites and log in to them regularly.

      You’re advice consistently advocates that people be more open to meeting people for the heck of it, and that’s just not realistic. There are all kinds of things that people make mental note of that they then refer to when making a judgement call. It’s human nature. You keep trying to get people to rewire their systems so that people like you can get more dates rather than just making improvements to yourself so you’ll be more attractive to the opposite sex.

      Suppose they started dating someone and they wanted to track whether he/she logs onto those sites?

      I love how you offer that up as a possible explanation as though it’s a sign of healthy behavior.

      I even came across someone once who was letting someone else use her profile to do searches (although I thought that was stupid).

      Um. No. She was probably lying to you because she told you she was dating someone and didn’t want you to keep emailing her.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 5

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      • L. Says:

        No Moxie. I’m trying to get some salient points about the fundamental basics of meeting a lifetime partner across, and you don’t seem to be capable of accepting that. People in this city complain endlessly about how difficult it is to meet someone, and won’t take the time to do some self-study and develop some self-awareness. If something’s not working for you, you look at other options and at making changes.

        The truth is, Moxie, it IS realistic! It’s exactly how people meet partners. Talk to people who are married and have families or who have been successful at this – not to people who are single! Find out what compromises they made. Find out if their knees wobbled on the first date. You may find some instances when they did, but by and large you won’t. Find out how open-minded they were. Talk to some certified dating coaches or therapists on dating. Why don’t you? And then post their opinions on this kinda stuff here from time to time. Some of this overanalysis is just so petty and minute … just DATE for gosh sakes!

        Do I advocate just dating ANYONE? Of course not and I’ve said that before here. There has to be some interest or attraction. But … for the most part, we can all improve our open-mindedness, and be less judgemental about people before we even meet them. Doing this just makes total sense, it can only increase your odds and help. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You feel it’s not realistic, I feel it’s VERY realistic … I know people who have made this kind of change and had it work for them … or at least had it help.

        What are you afraid of, Moxie? That maybe I’m right?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          If it is so realistic, then how come it isn’t working for you?

          Your words don’t instill fear in me because you have no evidence to back any of it up. All you talk about is how things *should*be. Half the time you don’t even process or interpret things correctly. You’re another one of those people who refuse to accept their league and keep trying to date out of it. That’s it. That’s your challenge. If you would just accept what your options are, all of this stuff about how things should be would cease to bea problem.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Yeah, railing on about how “people should do XYZ” is always a losing proposition, a recipe for banging your head against the wall in frustration. You can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own. Learning how to handle whatever life throws at you is a much better use of energy.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  6. LT Says:

    How about don’t tell your date that you have a spreadsheet of your dates from Match.com!!!

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/cyber_cad_dater_input_LGdBZ57ATtIGWwCqffATXM

    What a douche!!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I don’t think he’s a douche at all. He’s far less offensive to me than the men and women who blog about all their dates. He was stupid to send it to the girl he went out with. And she was heinous to distribute it when it contained personal info of other women. But of course, the men get shit on for being socially awkward and the women who distribute these emails get all the “you go girls!”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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      • Selena Says:

        Seemed a practical thing to do for a person dating multiple people in a relatively short time span.

        Too bad he made the mistake of sharing it with an attention whore. He should make a notation of that her section of the spreadsheet.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      There is no better source for information on human behavior than to be able to observe someone when they think no one is watching. That spreadsheet is chock full of raw information that you ladies could actually use if you didn’t shut down at the first sign of “honest” honesty rather than the fake kind that’s usually served. Who cares whether he’s a douce. Consider the spreadsheet a gift. You want to know what “guys care about?” Read the spreadsheet. I think most people keep a spreadsheet like that in their heads.

      My favorite part is that the guy routinely dates girls from Long Island and Westchester but then has the nerve to complain that they are too “jappy.” I think I know those girls.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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      • Selena Says:

        “I think most people keep a spreadsheet like that in their heads.”

        I agree. And I don’t see keeping notes in a spreadsheet about one’s dates is any different than say – a woman – keeping a journal detailing same.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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      • uesider Says:

        So girls from LI and Westchester tend to be “jappy?” They are big places. Most women there aren’t even Jewish.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

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  7. Erine Says:

    So you are very offended by your own self back from not so distant past when you wrote here about all your dates? Seems double standardy to me.

    I do think that the guy is not a monster. He didnt say anything terrible about the girls. He is rather clueless amd naive to have sent it to that woman. And she is no better for sending it to others.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      So you are very offended by your own self back from not so distant past when you wrote here about all your dates? Seems double standardy to me.

      More like “know of what I speak-y.” And yes, of course I’m offended by such behavior because it reminds me of myself. I don’t think I’ve ever denied that. In fact, I’ve often stated that outright. If I were still doing it, then it would be double standardy.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  8. Christina Says:

    guess the main point here, as it often is, is to not give away too much information, especially at first. I believe in flinging your net wide, while realizing that finding a compatible person may take some time. I don’t think spending 1-2 years on a dating site before finding someone is unreasonable.

    Of course, you do tend to see the same people over and over again and they see you as well. That’s why freshening up your profile is so important. Still, everyone is going to make assumptions about why you’re still on the site. I know I did. There’s not a whole lot you can do about that. You can do your best to NOT make assumptions about others, and also refrain from talking about how many people you’ve already dated from that site. If asked, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’ve gone on a few dates,” and leave it at that. I suspect that behind all of the talk about how many dates you’ve gone on is the need to brag and show the person you’re currently talking to that you have oh-so-many options.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  9. Lisa Says:

    I tried Nerve when they first relaunched and then a couple months ago. I got emails from the exact same guys both times within a day or two of putting up my profile. None of the emails I sent received a response. I also tried How About We and had a similar experience. I received 2 emails total in a week from men in their fifties.I didn’t pay for my membership on either because I noticed that most of the men on both sites were on OK Cupid so why pay for something I can get for free?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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    • uesider Says:

      Couple problems here- How About We and Nerve are dead sites for the most part. Second, you aren’t paying. When I did pay I only messaged women that were highlighted as “paying” because it seemed like a waste of my time to write someone who couldn’t write me back.

      Ok Cupid is the way to go- heed what Moxie says about refreshing your profile. I cleaned just my questions out a few weeks ago and got several emails where I hadn’t received one in months.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  10. uesider Says:

    A point that is missed here is that most people go on and off these sites. I have been in a few relationships where I’ve made my profile inactive and then activated it when the relationship didn’t work out. Just because someone has been on the site for years doesn’t mean it was contiguous.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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