I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of the latest viral story about online dating gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I think think that the grand majority of men—even if they are using online dating to find a serious relationship rather than just hook-up—think of online dating as a numbers game. They communicate with lots of women, hoping a few will pan out. They metaphorically throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks…..
The last thing most women ever want to feel? Like they have taken a number at the deli counter.
So what you’re saying is, you want to feel special? Gotcha.
And that, kids, is why some women find “spreadsheet guy” so douchey. Not because he’s an actual tool. No. Because he literally put it down in black and white that these women were merely numbers. Options. The other worrisome part of his little project was that, judging by the attractiveness of all of his dates, women were made aware of the fact that even average looking guys had a ton of opportunities. (No offense, SSG.) My guess is the woman who distributed the Excel Spreadsheet did so not because she actually thought it was funny or amusing but because she was pissed that the other women on that chart were just as hot if not hotter than she was. Intra-gender competition strikes again.
What women learned from this guy’s highly organized Little Black Book was that “hot” wasn’t as much of a bargaining chip as they thought. They were clunked on the head with the fact that now women actually have to be interesting, accommodating and enjoyable. We always wanted to be judged by the contents of our character, right ladies?? Well, now we are. Mazels!!!
I have a male friend who seems to be caught in this cycle…The problem is that, because he gets such a tremendous stream of interest, he gets distracted wondering if someone a little bit better is just around the corner. He can’t focus to Girl A because he’s too distracted by potential Girl B, Girl C, and Girl D. In my opinion, it’s led him to sabotage some pretty promising relationships by canceling on Girl A to make room for Girl F.
It’s frightening to watch the male species in their natural habitat, I know. Know what though? I bet her guy friend doesn’t fear he’s sabotaging anything. He’s having a hell of a time! When and if he feels like choosing one woman and settling down, he can and will. I doubt the author of this piece is as concerned for her guy friend as she says. Me thinks what really has her bugged is that she’s witnessing how most if not all of the men she goes out behaves. She’s wondering if the time that guy she really liked canceled last minute was actually sick or if he had just met someone else. Now she’s questioning her own value in the marketplace.
This is a dangerous cycle, in my opinion. Because if you feel like women are in never-ending supply, I think it’s very hard to let yourself go and allow yourself to start to develop real, true, deep feelings for one person.
Agreed! But wait. Why is the author only addressing men with this sage bit of advice? If there is one huge take away from Tales of The Spread Sheet Guy it should be that even okay looking guys with average to decent jobs have a multitude of options. Therefore, females need to learn how to recognize a keeper when they see it while at the same time acknowledging that the days of being wooed with expensive dinners and cocktails are long gone. Now guys are courting multiple women and shelling out maybe $100 a night for the two of you.You might get one night a week with them. Two if schedule permits. But that’s it. A man will continue on down this road until he’s ready to settle down. That’s what makes the difference. He could meet the right woman at the wrong time and never commit. That’s what frightens these women.
Here’s how I approached online dating: I might be conversing online with two guys at the same time. But the minute I met one of them and felt that little spark, I’d halt things with the other.
I tend to agree with her with this approach. I’m not much of a juggler. But then, I also avoided asking any questions that might educate me on what my guy is doing when he’s not with me. And vicey versey. Guys who make a point to let you know they had another date recently are telling you, upfront, they don’t care what you think or how you feel. That’s a brutal reality for many of us, because we want to believe that our bond and connection is special. We want to walk in the door from our date, hop online or on the phone , and tell the world we just had an a-mah-zing date. We want to believe that that guy liked us so much he spent a lot of money or time on little ol’ us.
Here is why the spread-sheeting rubs me and so many others the wrong way: Love is not about comparison shopping.
Except when it is, amirite? I’ll fix this statement. Love is not about comparison shopping. But dating is. There. That’s better. Let’s not get all high horsey here. Men and women both approach dating and online dating with a shopper’s mentality. What makes many women want to lock things down sooner, I believe, is our need to compete and beat other women.
Unfortunately, dating no longer provides women with that sense of safety. Sure, there might be a steady stream of options well up until we’re 45. But that doesn’t mean any of them actually want to commit. I agree with the author that man men get distracted and maybe even deluded by the fact that their options appear never ending. But she and any other woman would be lying if they said that the fact that he had so many options is why they wanted him in the first place. So, in a sense, we contribute to that shopper’s mentality that many men have.