I’ve been online dating for about 9 months. The first few months I received a decent amount of attention and responses. Some time after the six month mark it all stopped. I update my profile regularly and have added a couple of new photos. I used to get 1 or 2 responses for every dozen or so messages I send out. Now I don’t get any responses at all. What could be causing this?
Well, I can’t tell you for sure without looking at your profile. You can send me a message using the Submit a Dating Question link and I can take a look at your ad. It might not have anything to with your profile. It could just be that you’ve been on that site for too long and have a bit of a funk on you. Meaning you’ve just been on that one site for too long and need a break. You’re not getting in front of enough new people and the current members have seen your profile so many times that they’re wondering why you’re still there.
There seems to be two distinct stages of online dating. The first 3 months or so where everybody is new to you and you’re new to them. And then the second stage where you become considered a “regular.”
I think people sometimes get resentful that it takes someone so long to finally reach out to them. They wonder if maybe the person is feeling desperate to some degree. I know that there are some men that I’ve emailed whose profile I viewed a couple months before and had sort of a “might as well” mentality when I contacted them. You do go through stages where you feel a bit worn down by the whole process. You just want a response or a date. Anything to prove to you that you still have the ability to catch someone’s eye.
I think when you get to the point where you’re just seeing the same profiles over and over, it’s time to take a break from that site and focus on another one. Another approach is to disable your profiles for a few weeks. That way, when you return, there’s a whole new influx of members that you can contact without looking like you’re hanging around for last call.(TM one of my brilliant Twitter followers.)
We’ve all been contacted by those people, too. We know when we’re getting a message from someone who has been around that site for a long time and contacting anybody they think will respond. You can almost smell the flop sweat on their profile. They just try too hard to be witty and smooth.
I know most people hate the cut and paste jobs, but I prefer the simple “Hi, liked your profile” messages over the guys who try to crack jokes or feign interest in something I said in my profile. Overall, I prefer the people who take a less is more approach to online dating. The ones who post a dozen photos and go on about their musical tastes or try way too hard to sound intellectual or humorous actually turn me off.
The one thing I don’t like about OKCupid is that, because of the layout of the site, you’re frequently seeing the same people over and over again. Moreso than if you were doing a regular search. There are the people who pop up in that Activity column on your home page and they’re almost always the same people over and over. The search function doesn’t let you pare down your search by distances of 5 to 10 miles so you’re forced to weed through people too far away. Since those same people are constantly changing their profiles, that means they are also hogging up spaces when you do a search for new profiles just added to the site. You end up seeing the same people over and over again.
The goal is to always be perceived as “new” I think. So, Stephanie, my suggestion is to take your profile down for a couple weeks, maybe get a few new photos taken, then return.