I met a wonderful woman during a speed dating event and we have been dating exclusively during the past month. During our first conversation she asked what my age was and I was contrite and replied 48 Yr. She is 35 yr old. I asked if she felt the age is too great then we can remind friends and not pursue a relationship. I also made it pretty clear that I was not open to having kids. I already have a teenager. She was pretty cool and responded that she was open to whatever happened. We have not shared any information with family or friends because it’s only been one month and too early to be publicizing.
We are getting along great so far and I know that age is just a number.
So the question is:
Can the gap in age get in the way of a meaningful relationship? Also should a woman know by this age if she wants kids or not?
I think once someone hits their 30′s an age difference of 13 years is not that big of a deal. To me, the issue isn’t so much the chronological age gap, but rather the developmental difference between the two people. Someone here once told of her experience of being a college student of 20 or 21 and dating a man in his early thirties. The ten years that separated them wasn’t as troubling as the fact that she was a student in school and he was an adult. That’s where things get creepy for me. That sort of dynamic reeks of looking for someone to worship them and wanting someone to control.
An adult male or female with an adult career and an adult life dating someone who is still, by all practical terms, a young adult (18-25) feels inappropriate to me. Sure, I know people will say things like how it’s really about the two individual people, etc. I’ve found that the people who say such things are the people who do such things and feel defensive. We all know that there are socially acceptable age gaps and socially unacceptable age gaps. If that bothers you then don’t date someone barely out of high school or college. Frankly, if you choose or have to do that instead of dating someone closer to your own age, you have bigger issues.
It’s about the experiences that come with being a certain age that matter to me. You don’t want to be someone who has been financially independent their whole life taking on someone who has pretty much lived off their parents for most of theirs. Nor do you want to be someone who works 40-50 hours a week dating someone who has no experience with or understanding of that sort of schedule or lifestyle. You need to have commonalities in those areas. You can’t just say, “Well, we both like the outdoors and live music!” Shared interests are great but shared experiences are what help couples truly bond.
In my mind, there is no such thing as a “really mature” 22, 23, 24 year old. They might be mature for their age, but they’re not as mature as their much older counterparts. Which, I think, is the point of why these men and women date people in this age bracket. I mentioned it in yesterday’s post…I believe it’s a control issue and a need to be the superior partner that encourages people to date someone much younger than themselves. Someone that much younger with limited life experience won’t know that the person they’re dating has issues. They’re too busy being impressed by their lifestyle. Once they get out of their twenties it’s a whole different story. They’ve been through enough (or should have been) to understand more about relationships and life in general.
This doesn’t just apply to men, either. A woman who dates someone much younger does so for a reason, and that reason usually is she can’t get a guy her own age or the men her age don’t want her. Yes, there are the women who date younger because they don’t want to get married and have kids or have already done so. I know. But they are the exceptions to the rule, not the rule in my opinion. Any woman who says she wants to get married and have kids who gets seriously involved with someone much younger does not want a real relationship. She wants a boyfriend. That’s it. She’s settling because she wants to say she has a relationship, not actually wants or is capable of having a relationship.
As for whether or not a woman of 35 is reasonably sure of her decision to have or not have kids, I think that’s subjective. I don’t know enough about her to be able to tell you for sure. I think when a woman hits 38 or so, she’s probably more sure one way or the other. 35 is still young enough to change her mind. Only time will tell. You’ve done the right thing by telling her upfront that you don’t wish to have any more kids. It’s not on you if she decides she’s not really okay with that. I say ride this out and enjoy it.
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