Minding The (Age) Gap

Name: xyzed
State: NY
Website:
Question: Is there an appropriate age gap when dating someone younger?

I met a wonderful woman during a speed dating event and we have been dating exclusively during the past month. During our first conversation she asked what my age was and I was contrite and replied 48 Yr. She is 35 yr old. I asked if she felt the age is too great then we can remind friends and not pursue a relationship. I also made it pretty clear that I was not open to having kids. I already have a teenager. She was pretty cool and responded that she was open to whatever happened. We have not shared any information with family or friends because it’s only been one month and too early to be publicizing.
We are getting along great so far and I know that age is just a number.

So the question is:
Can the gap in age get in the way of a meaningful relationship? Also should a woman know by this age if she wants kids or not?
Age: 47

 

I think once someone hits their 30′s an age difference of 13 years is not that big of a deal. To me, the issue isn’t so much the chronological age gap, but rather the developmental difference between the two people. Someone here once told of her experience of being a college student of 20 or 21 and dating a man in his early thirties. The ten years that separated them wasn’t as troubling as the fact that she was a student in school and he was an adult. That’s where things get creepy for me. That sort of dynamic reeks of  looking for someone to worship them and wanting someone to control.

An adult male or female with an adult career and an adult life dating someone who is still, by all practical terms, a  young adult (18-25) feels inappropriate to me. Sure, I know people will say things like how it’s really about the two individual people, etc. I’ve found that the people who say such things are the people who do such things and feel defensive. We all know that there are socially acceptable age gaps and socially unacceptable age gaps. If that bothers you then don’t date someone barely out of high school or college. Frankly, if you choose or have to do that instead of dating someone closer to your own age, you have bigger issues.

It’s about the experiences that come with being a certain age that matter to me. You don’t want to be someone who has been financially independent their whole life taking on someone who has pretty much lived off their parents for most of theirs. Nor do you want to be someone who works 40-50 hours a week dating someone who has no experience with or understanding of that sort of schedule or lifestyle. You need to have commonalities in those areas. You can’t just say, “Well, we both like the outdoors and live music!” Shared interests are great but shared experiences are what help couples truly bond.

In my mind, there is no such thing as a “really mature” 22, 23, 24 year old. They might be mature for their age, but they’re not as mature as their much older counterparts. Which, I think, is the point of why these men and women date people in this age bracket. I mentioned it in yesterday’s post…I believe it’s a control issue and a need to be the superior partner that encourages people to date someone much younger than themselves. Someone that much younger with limited life experience won’t know that the person they’re dating has issues. They’re too busy being impressed by their lifestyle. Once they get out of their twenties it’s a whole different story. They’ve been through enough (or should have been) to understand more about relationships and life in general.

This doesn’t just apply to men, either.  A woman who dates someone  much younger does so for a reason, and that reason usually is she can’t get a guy her own age or the men her age don’t want her. Yes, there are the women who date younger because they don’t want to get married and have kids or have already done so. I know. But they are the exceptions to the rule, not the rule in my opinion. Any woman who says she wants to get married and have kids who gets seriously involved with someone much younger does not want a real relationship. She wants a boyfriend. That’s it. She’s settling because she wants to say she has a relationship, not actually wants or is capable of having a relationship.

As for whether or not a woman of 35 is reasonably sure of her decision to have or not have kids, I think that’s subjective. I don’t know enough about her to be able to tell you for sure. I think when a woman hits 38 or so, she’s probably more sure one way or the other. 35 is still young enough to change her mind. Only time will tell. You’ve done the right thing by telling her upfront that you don’t wish to have any more kids. It’s not on you if she decides she’s not really okay with that. I say ride this out and enjoy it.

 

 

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72 Responses to “Minding The (Age) Gap”

  1. L. Says:

    What a wonderful response, Moxie. Balanced, impartial, fair, and well-said. In particular, the part about developmental differences and differences in life’s experiences. Great post.

    (please don’t accuse me of being passive-aggressive now :-) ).

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  2. LostSailor Says:

    I completely agree that maturity and common experience are the key. If a couple has that, in addition to everything else need for a solid relationship–attraction, mutual respect, etc.–then age doesn’t really factor in. My personal comfort zone has usually been 5-7 years younger. My ex is 5 years younger than me and that worked fine for many years.

    My sister always dated–and married–men much older than she was. In college, she had a long-term boyfriend in his late-thirties, nearly 20 years older. Her first husband was only 3 years older and the marriage was a disaster. Her second husband was nearly 25 years older (a really great guy, who unfortunately contracted lung cancer and died two years into the marriage). Her third husband of nearly 20 years is 12 years her senior and another great guy, one I consider a brother rather than brother-in-law.

    The bottom line to me is, if it works for the two people in a relationship, then, yes, age is just a number.

    But to the OP’s other question, the kids issue could be a problem. At 35, she may think that kids don’t matter, but that could change as her child-bearing window closes. Not necessarily a red flag, but something to be aware of, and to talk about honestly if the relationship gets serious.

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  3. The D-man Says:

    I’m currently seeing someone 9 years younger than me and it hasn’t been an issue. That said, I don’t really see a LT future with her because she wants kids and I don’t.

    I recently dated someone 16 years younger than me and she struck me as very mature for her age. I think it was partly because she got married young, then divorced, which for most people triggers a lot of introspection about what you want out of life.

    We still see each other from time to time, but it’s not serious. We do have a lot of common interests, and I make an effort to keep up with pop culture so we do have shared cultural experiences to draw on (music, TV, movies etc).

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Everybody who dates noticeably younger people says that they’re really mature for their age. Its an excuse to help them justify dating someone they know is too young for them.

      Were not talking about hooking up. Were talking about having an actual relationship. And you’re in your forties. Dating someone in their thirties isn’t a big deal.

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      • The D-man Says:

        I’ve dated other women her age and didn’t find them to be very mature. In her case, she has a brother who is my age and (according to her) she feels like that’s part of the reason she relates well to older men.

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      • Dori Says:

        “Its an excuse to help them justify dating someone they know is too young for them. ”

        This is like saying “you are only dating a redhead because you could not get a blonde (because I prefer blonde and cannot fathom how somebody can want something else)”.

        Has it occurred to you that there are actually people who like that kind of age difference? When I was 18 I was more interested in guys who where rather 17 than older. When I was 25 that went down to 23. With 31 I had a relationship with somebody who was 25. Now that I turned 40, I am looking at guys who are 27 and also two who are 23. Are there exceptions to the rule? Of course. The love of my life was 5 years older than I was and we had a relationship for 12 years..

        Am I looking at dating all of the 23 year old? Hell no. But those two have qualities I like very much and in fact they are looking at similar qualities in me: They want my experience to grow personally with a relationship.

        These relationships do exisit – being them just some time of your life or lifelong – and dismissing anybody who says so “as just defensive because they could not get anybody else” is simple stupid. It makes me question your other advice – again: I do not need you to have personally that experience or preference but I expect you to be more objective.

        Do you expect an athlete who plays on a national level to ‘adapt’ to little league level, just because it is more age appropriate? The industry I work in is very tech oriented. I am not interested in dating or having a relationship with somebody who I can’t even have a discussion about my life, my day, my future.

        ‘My age’ guys? In general I have to explain on a very basic level what I do them. That is a huge turnoff. The so called younger guys “I only get for because I supposedly could not get one otherwise”? They do not only know what I am talking about, they challenge me and vice versa, they push me to go further (and vice versa).

        Are there older guys who might have the same qualities? I am sure. And I could make it work – just to stay age appropriate – like somebody who is into sailing can make it work with somebody who is into hiking. But why the effort and heartache when there is enough men around who actually are into the same things as you are?

        You can call that defensive all you like. But just because some guys go to prostitutes does not mean all guys do either.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          But those two have qualities I like very much and in fact they are looking at similar qualities in me: They want my experience to grow personally with a relationship.

          Yes, and that quality would be called “youth.” And the experience they seek with you is sexual and nothing more. You can rationalize all you like. Women your age who intentionally seek out men that much younger do so for one reason and one reason only – because they can not accept the fact that they are getting older.

          It makes me question your other advice – again: I do not need you to have personally that experience or preference but I expect you to be more objective.

          Why? So you can continue to live in your little delusional fantasy world where guys in their 20′s want you for your wisdom and you can continue to tell yourself that the men your age are “too old” for you or “not vibrant enough?” Please.

          The industry I work in is very tech oriented. I am not interested in dating or having a relationship with somebody who I can’t even have a discussion about my life, my day, my future.

          And there it is. Yes, the men your age just don’t understand your job. That’s why you hang around 20somethings.

          But why the effort and heartache when there is enough men around who actually are into the same things as you are?

          Because those men who are “actually into the things you are” don’t truly want you for anything substantive. You want to have a fling? Go for it. Nobody is judging you for that. But stop lying to yourself about the true reasons you want guys in their 20′s and about why they want you.

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          • The D-man Says:

            Do you have to psychoanalyze everybody who disagrees with you? Is it possible that they are fully formed human beings too?

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              You and every other cry baby who gets in a twist because I say something they don’t like need to drop the “you argue with everyone who disagrees with you” shit. I don’t.

              Boo hoo. I’m not impressed by your new story every day about whatever chick you managed to bang for a month. Get over it. Didn’t you say just last month that you were exclusive with someone? If you didn’t run your mouth off about your personal life every chance you got, maybe I wouldn’t have anything to debate.

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          • xyzed Says:

            Moxie,

            You hit the nail spot on… I dated a woman who was 45yr (I am 47) and her last relationship was with someone 10 years younger because, you guessed it, she could not accept getting old.
            And to be honest the 45 yr was so immature on all levels, emotionally, sexually and spiritually.

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            • dina Says:

              it sounds like you’re the one can’t accept getting older.

              do you really think you’re mature dating a woman 13 years younger you. maybe you can’t handle a woman your own age… maybe a woman your own age wouldn’t be impressed by you and she’d call you out on your b.s. in an instant.

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  4. MrWombat Says:

    Everyone knows that the acceptable age range is

    (their-age/2) + 7 <= your-age <= (their-age-7) * 2

    An acceptable partner for a 48-year old is 31 to 82.
    An acceptable partner for a 35-year-old is 24.5 to 56.

    Anything outside this is "creepy", but this particular couple are within scope and ok.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Note for anyone who is offended by or disagrees with this formula: it is about social acceptability, i.e. whether other people will freak out over the age difference, not any kind of prediction as to whether the relationship itself will be successful. That’s an entirely different matter.

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      • Selena Says:

        Eh…48 and 82 is creepy to me. Socially, that’s a huge gap. The 48 yr. old is likely nursemaid to the 82 yr. old. As an “other person”, I’d be speculating the 48 yr. old was in it for a promised inheritance.

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        • Jeff Says:

          Does the 82 year old have a mountain of cash & a heart condition to go with it? ;)

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          48 and 82 is creepy to me. Socially, that’s a huge gap.
          True, the accuracy isn’t so good at the high end. OTOH, it does agree that Anna Nicole Smith (26) marrying J. Howard Marshall (89) was socially unacceptable. And, yeah, we all know why both of them did that. I’d probably wonder about a 48/82 couple as well, but it’s nowhere near as bad in contrast.

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          • Selena Says:

            Or it just proves the formula itself is faulty. If it is supposed to measure “social acceptability” that would depend on the particular social circle. Some circles wouldn’t blink at 48 with 82. Or 35 with 56. Others might see it as an embarrassment. Plug in the embarrassment variable, we might see less distribution of the formula in subsets of populations.

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    • Dori Says:

      I found that to be a good measurement. Put in the numbers I mention in my other comment – when I was 18-19 the guys I was into where 1-2 years younger, anything below that would have been irritating. The older I went, the bigger the age gap went.

      One added parameter: When you have younger siblings, that steps in as well. I had a long conversation over the years with some female friends roughly the same age and we figured that while we are in the same boat, we had different limits to the ‘youngest acceptable age’ and the common thing was the age of our youngest brothers. . Now that we are >40 that is not a concern anymore but it was when we where 25.

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  5. Selena Says:

    I see age gaps more in terms of life stage. A gap of 8 to 15 yrs. may not feel significant if you are both in the same stage of working on your careers, raising children, having children leave the nest, retirement, and enjoyment of activities. The gap may become more pronounced when the older partner passes into a different stage. Isn’t as interested in the same things. Sometimes the younger person feels their partner “got old on me” when this happens.

    35 and 48 yr old’s may have a lot of common ground, but that may not be as true when they are 47 and 60. Can’t predict, just something to consider.

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  6. dina Says:

    the op shouldn’t be too concerned about it since they are both only using each other and this is a temporary thing. she will leave you in a minute when an age appropriate guy comes into her life. and it’s only been 4 weeks, what are you yapping about anyway? look how excited you are to be with someone so much younger than you. she’s only using you for the time being. you should cool it b/c you’re ego is going to be shattered when she moves on. that’s the truth.

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    • xyzed Says:

      What a dim-witted reply. She has dated men her age and actually was in an 8yr relationship with someone her age. What are we using each other for? sex? money? Companionship? We are both white collar professional with a healthy network of friends.
      If we both go our separate ways next week, next month, etc then so be it. Nothing in life is guaranteed and by the way life is to short. So far it’s going good and we’ll take it from there. Also what ego is there to shatter? Let me guess you are probably a woman over 40yr that has been chewed up and spit out and can’t meet someone who can satisfy your unrealistic (and probably pretentious) expectations.

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      • dina Says:

        You just can’t handle the truth. Do you really believe that YOU a man 13 years older than her is what she desires for herself? Don’t delude yourself. I’m sure there are many men younger than you that she would prefer to be with. She just hasn’t met the right the one.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Dina, you are quite right. As everyone else here can attest a 35 year old woman has the pick of the litter and doesn’t need to settle. At least until she turns 36.

          Seriously, I don’t know what planet or alternate universe you’re living on but all the 35 year olds I know (and I know a lot) are in full-on panic mode. I even know a few that dated substantially older men and, after wasting years, were dumped by the older man. So, now they are 38 and back on the prowl. Put another way, its not that the right 35 year old man just hasn’t come along. He aint coming.

          Your argument might make sense if the woman was 25 and the guy 45. But, in that case, she clearly prefers the older man.

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          • dina Says:

            Full-on panic mode comes in all ages and genders. A consolation might ease someone’s anxiety for the short term, but not the long term. Eventually, reality will set in, disappointment will follow, and someone will start looking in another direction for satisfaction.

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              My point is that she may desire a man of more “suitable” age but, as she gets older, it becomes less and less realistic for her. So, let’s use your theory. She will have her fling with a 48 year old man or other imperfects until someone of “more suitable age” comes along. Year after year passes. Now, she’s 48. And a 48-year old is now a man of perfectly suitable age for her. But, guess who the 48-year old men are dating? I’ll let you do the math.

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              • dina Says:

                My point is and has been that a woman 10+ years younger doesn’t want a 48 year old man. No one is going to settle and be happy about it. The 48 year old may feel happy that he’s with someone younger, yet ANY TIME someone her own age passes by, she’ll be looking in his direction and not in the direction of the 48 year old.

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                • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                  I agree with you. She will pine away for men of more appropriate age and he will pine away for an even younger woman. Neither will get it. And the result is that, just like everyone else in the world, they will not be PERFECTLY happy and will have settled for some things in order to get others.

                  The only area we disagree is that you freely forgive the woman’s delusions but seem particularly sensitive about the man’s.

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                  • dina Says:

                    you’re excusing the man’s delusions. any older man who believes that a younger woman is really in to him, for him and ONLY him, w/o looking at the supposed stability or status he is providing, is delusional. he’s trying to recapture his youth, trying to avoid the obvious that he’s getting older, pretend that he still has it. younger guys have it all over him — better looking, more youthful, more active, more in common with a woman their own age.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      Actually, I “excuse” both men’s and women’s delusions. I’m here as a reporter, not a judge, I think your view on how things will play out for XYZ is wishful thinking, based on your prejudices and your apparent desire to put men in their place (for some reason), even at the expense of saying things that are manifestly the opposite of reality and common experience.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      I don’t understand where the delusion factors in. If they met at a speeddating event, then the woman obviously prefers men that fall in to a certain age range. He was one of them. 35 and 48 is not that bad. In fact she’s being smart to date that much older. He obviously does still “have it” of he can get a 35 year old. When you’re someone who doesn’t want children or expect marriage, you end up with a lot more options and fewer biases.

                      As DMN said, the men her age (say 35-40) are dating younger. The guy that many women her age and older are pining away for probably isn’t going to materialize. Good for her for recognizing that now instead of clinging to some fantasy. The last thing the world needs is a another 38+ woman daydreaming about finding that attractive man close to her age who is going to settle down with her.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      Dina’s view is that the 35 year old will bolt as soon as somone “better” comes along. Which I don’t necessarily disagree with. In general, people choose their best option, whether its because of age, intellect, beauty, money, whatever. Some people even “trade up” when given the opportunity. True, there is no evidence in this case that the woman is looking to trade up. My point was that, even if I accept Dina’s view that she really, really, really wants to date an “age appropriate” man and would bolt in a second if given the opportunity, I am skeptical that a 35-year old woman has the limitless opportunities that Dina thinks she does.

                      So, in essence, Dina says the 35-year old is biding her time, waiting for her prince charming to come, in the form of someone more age appropriate. What else is new? Collecive yawn. I don’t think Dina even believes it, she just wants to hurl insults at the “old guy.” It’s transparent. That’s her point – the guy shouldn’t delude himself into thinking the 35-year old is happy with him. I’m not sure why that even matters if he’s delusional – but happy..

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      I don’t think Dina even believes it, she just wants to hurl insults at the “old guy.”

                      Well, yes. Of course that’s the point. Much of what she says is just a bad attempt to mess with men’s minds. She, like many people who frequent blogs, is just using the medium to try and start her imaginary revolution.

                      Frankly I’m shocked you’re even engaging her to begin with. I thought you of all people would know troll baiting when you saw it.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      “Frankly I’m shocked you’re even engaging her to begin with.”

                      Perhaps I’m trying to start an imaginary revolution myself. Watch this space…..

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        • JP Says:

          Dina, are you married?

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          • dina Says:

            why do you ask?

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            • JP Says:

              I ask because you always sound hostile towards people in relationships. IME, women like that are typically the ones who can’t figure out why nobody wants to be with them and they end up alone.

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              • dina Says:

                do you mean fake relationships? many people hang on to “relationships” that fill a need or are convenient for a time. a real mutual relationship where both are happy to be together and for the right reason is ideal.

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                • JP Says:

                  Fake or not the people you criticize are the ones with affection in their lives. They find someone to care for and who get care in return. You don’t sound like you’ve ever been cared for or genuinely loved. If you had been you wouldn’t be so hostile.

                  The things you say sound like everything I’ve heard all my single female friends in their 50′s say. They’re alone with no prospects so I assumed you were too.

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                  • dina Says:

                    why do you confuse being direct with being hostile? i’ve noticed that when a woman speaks about a man, the truth has to be sugar coated. why is that?

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  7. Jeff Says:

    IMHO once the difference goes beyond 5 years you’re pushing things. There are differences that just make things strange. As for these vast age differences; 10+ years, if they should end up having children together it can work. If there are no children between the couple someone is going to age out & someone is going to get tired of the person who is always tired.

    Another angle, (& I am not bitter), is the woman who is looking for sugar daddy. A past love who I shared an awesome relationship with flat out told me when she ended things, “I have to think of my future, and my children’s future”. I suggested “…getting a real job, like one with benefits & a 401k”. We both went our separate ways. I recently learned she is dating a guy who is 16 years her senior: She’s 48, he’s 64. How I came to learn this was a mutual friend did not know we had dated & was surprised to learn that her & I were once an item. The mutual friend asked what happened & was puzzled as it did not make sense, (her current guy & myself). I said that I was not her ideal guy: Her ideal guy was 15 – 20 years older than her, had a lot of money, & ideally a heart condition. They laughed & said, “Now it all makes sense”. They went on to tell me about the age difference, that he does appear to have some cash… and ironically he just had a few stents put in!

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  8. jaclyn Says:

    I would agree with Moxie’s assessment about the age gap not being significant.

    In terms of her being undecided about whether to have children, I can believe that she hasn’t completely made up her mind. My friend is dating a woman who went through this experience (she is in her mid-40s, he is in his late 40s with two children from a previous marriage). If she had found the right man when she was younger, she would have had children. Because she didn’t meet the right person in her 30s, she is at peace with the fact that she never had children.

    At 35, your girlfriend may be sensing that she may need to soon make some hard choices about what she wants for her future. It is possible that she will find an amazing man who wants to have kids with her. But if she keeps open the possibility of marrying a man who doesn’t want children, then she has a larger potential dating pool. It is very difficult to for a person to decide if she should wait for an amazing guy who wants kids or be open to dating an amazing guy who doesn’t want children or becoming a single mom. And I think that at 35, it is quite likely that a woman would be trying to work through these choices and that would leave her open to deciding whether or not she wants to have children.

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  9. Kay Says:

    Age does not dictate maturity.

    She knows he doesn’t want to have kids, he’s provided full disclosure. Go with the relationship and see where it goes; if she desires kids in the future, she can’t hold his disinterest against you.

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  10. Selena Says:

    xyzed,

    You’ve only been dating this woman a month, yes? If the age difference bothered her she wouldn’t continue to meet with you. Why don’t you just let things unfold as they will? It seems hard enough to meet people we genuinely connect with – putting “what if” obstacles in our own way just makes it harder. Since we can’t predict the future, why shouldn’t we enjoy the present while we are in it? This woman likes you. That’s enough for now.

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  11. LT Says:

    The only comment I have is that picture of the real old guy with that young woman is really scary – lol!!!

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  12. dina Says:

    Moxie writes:

    Andthatswhyyouresingle says:
    April 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm
    I don’t think Dina even believes it, she just wants to hurl insults at the “old guy.”

    Well, yes. Of course that’s the point. Much of what she says is just a bad attempt to mess with men’s minds. She, like many people who frequent blogs, is just using the medium to try and start her imaginary revolution.

    Frankly I’m shocked you’re even engaging her to begin with. I thought you of all people would know troll baiting when you saw it.

    ***************************************

    Moxie, you flatter yourself as a know it all. Your blog is so repetitive, it’s the same monotony every day. That’s why I barely comment any more. You don’t think a 13 year age difference is an issue b/c you’d probably gladly accept a date from someone that age. Maybe that’s your reality.

    DMN is trying put women in their place by saying, you ladies are past your prime, so you should take this much older guy who is way way way past his prime and make him feel good about himself. Plus he needs to brag to his friends that he’s dating a woman 10+ years his junior. I doubt the woman will be bragging to her friends that she’s with an old goat. In fact she’ll probably try to ignore the fact and act like it’s irrelevant b/c the truth is she doesn’t like it either.

    And to all those older men who say age is just a number, then why don’t they date older?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 14

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      You don’t think a 13 year age difference is an issue b/c you’d probably gladly accept a date from someone that age. Maybe that’s your reality.

      It is my reality, Dina. That’s what you’re not getting. That is the reality of me and most women my age and older. I’m not having a problem with it. In fact, accepting that has been probably the most liberating thing I could do. I’m not going to give up on being with someone. Nor am I going to bang my head against a wall desperately scrambling to find a guy to commit to me after I pissed away other opportunities. Women seem to think that they’re owed a happy ending. They’re not. Most of ‘em had ample opportunity and systematically blew their chances. Then they wake up at 38 or 42 and think they can right the wrong. Sorry, but most of them can’t. Time for Plan B. Maybe it’s to give up entirely, or re-write the script and tell everybody they chose to be single. Or maybe they can just focus on creating a life for themselves and enjoy spending time with men without trying to lock them down. Guess which options reaps more benefits?

      Good for the OP and the woman he’s dating for not caring about what they should or shouldn’t be doing. They sound pretty happy.

      Plus he needs to brag to his friends that he’s dating a woman 10+ years his junior.

      This is what you aren’t getting. Most men his age are dating women that much younger than him. He’s not doing anything that atypical, so there’s nothing to brag about.

      If the blog is repetitive, leave. Nobody is begging you to stick around, Dina.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 4

      • dina Says:

        what could you possibly find attractive in a man 10+ years older than you? some might be attractive for their age, but next to a much younger woman, don’t you feel the disparity in appearance? you have to look at the guy don’t you?

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 11

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          I guess I’m not one of those women who insists on dating younger, being left to sit at home and vent on a blog about how men won’t date her. I don’t begrudge men for dating younger. It’s what they do. No amount of bile on a blog will change that.

          Listen to your comments and you’ll have an answer as to why men date younger. Why would a man want to date a woman with such bile and bitterness inside her? That’s what men assume of all women in their 40′s and older. That’s they’re bitter, baggage carrying harpees. And they have justifiable reasons for thinking that.

          Knowing that, I offer men what they seek – nurturing, support and affection. I work with what I’ve got and date men late thirties to mid fifties. I’m 43. My options are limited. I accept that.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 5

          • dina Says:

            and what do you get in return for your nurturing, support and affection from this much older men?

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 10

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              The same in return. The attention, the support, the sex, the companionship. That’s how relationships work. You get what you give. I don’t understand why you’re having such a hard time digesting any of this.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

              • dina Says:

                because i don’t find older men appealing. i find them a turn-off. no amount of emotional support is going to change that. and as far as the physical… ewww — seeing those older men on the beach with their gross bodies is enough… pleeze. i can’t close my eyes tight enough to avoid seeing it.

                Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 16

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  Okay.. So just be alone. That’s your option, your reality and your choice. The younger men don’t want you and you’re not attracted to the older ones. So stay alone. Nobody cares either way. I don’t know why you’re so desperate to convince people – people who are happy – that they’re delusional or wrong. Nobody is trying to convince you of anything. So why not just keep your opinions to yourself instead of trying to berate everybody who manages to have what they want.

                  Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

                  • dina Says:

                    age appropriate, that’s all i’m saying.

                    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 10

                    • Vandellish Says:

                      Ok Dina, we get it…you don’t want a man who’s more than a few years older than you. You do realize that other women may have different opinions on that right?
                      It all comes down to what you want at that particular time.
                      The keyword in the above sentence is YOU.
                      Everyone is different, everyone changes and like Moxie says, it’s OK. You, me or anyone else aren’t the same people through our 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond. In my 20s I thought I wanted marriage. Turns out no woman I thought fit the bill for me during those years wanted that. I’m now 38 and I’ve witnessed enough marriages to know that if I don’t plan on having children then marriage is not what I want in this life.
                      I think the term ‘Age-Appropriate’ is overused and reeks of insecure people needing to rip situations opposite of their own. I’ve found that people who judge others’ social lives are typically in traditional situations and feel their way of living is THE way.
                      Think how boring the world would be if we all dated within our ‘appropriate’ age group, race, class and academic achievement. I get a headache just thinking about it.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

                    • Crotch Rocket Says:

                      I’ve found that people who judge others’ social lives are typically in traditional situations and feel their way of living is THE way.
                      In contrast, I find that people who judge others’ lives are typically insecure in their own choices and lash out at people who made different choices–especially if they are happy with them–as a way to make themselves feel better about their unhappiness.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

                • Angeline Says:

                  dina is ready for her close up.

                  Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

                • dimplz Says:

                  The men you date will age, as will you. This is why this argument is moot. Unless you plan to jump from man to man, seeking that fountain of youth, and trying more and more to land said young man, you may as well embrace that aging is a part of life. Meanwhile, you’re just coming off as bitter because you don’t want to accept this fact. People age, relationships have dull periods, people get bored.

                  Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

                  • dina Says:

                    why start off with one that’s already aged? unless you feel that’s the best you could do. i’m not bitter at all. don’t project your realities on to other people, that makes you seem jealous and envious.

                    someone who feels they have limited options, be it b/c of looks or age, may feel the need to cast a very wide net and make themselves open to any opportunity to date. other people don’t feel that way, they have more options and can be more selective. that’s the way it is.

                    some people accept the fact that they are not attractive, so they are not too choosy. everyone has different standards and values. some person’s values may make it easy for them to be with someone. so be it. just don’t spew your negative and pessimistic view on to other people and insist they accept your reality as truth. what’s true for you isn’t true for someone else.

                    just b/c you can’t do it, don’t sell someone else they can’t, especially when they are already doing it.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      just b/c you can’t do it, don’t sell someone else they can’t, especially when they are already doing it.

                      Exactly.

                      This would all be fascinating if you hadn’t admitted on here that you hadn’t had a relationship in 15 years. You’re no different than the other female commenters who came before you armed with their inflammatory and transparent opinions. Like you, they were perpetually alone, full of vitriol or dating men they had to force themselves to be attracted to just so they could say they had it all figured out.

                      Dina, honestly, I don’t know why you keep at this. There isn’t one person here who doesn’t see that it’s all bluster and rationalizations for why you sit at home in front of your computer alone ranting. It’s like listening to a 16 year old try and convince everybody she really didn’t want to be invited to a party that she desperately wanted to attend. It’s embarrassing.

                      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      “why start off with one that’s already aged? unless you feel that’s the best you could do?”

                      Why start off with one that’s already aged? unless that’s, in fact, the best you could do?

                      There. Fixed.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

                    • dimplz Says:

                      Dina, calm down. My bf is 10 months younger than me. I wish he were older. :)

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

                  • dina Says:

                    dimplz relax, everyone is calm.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 5

  13. dina Says:

    Moxie wrote:

    Andthatswhyyouresingle says:
    April 29, 2012 at 11:03 am
    just b/c you can’t do it, don’t sell someone else they can’t, especially when they are already doing it.

    Exactly.

    This would all be fascinating if you hadn’t admitted on here that you hadn’t had a relationship in 15 years.

    ********************

    Moxie who are you talking about? You must be thinking about someone else.

    And why don’t you disable the REPLY button so I can’t respond? Do you need to have the last word every time?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 9

    • dina Says:

      Moxie, your ugly person inside and out.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 17

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I could be wrong, but I;m pretty sure I remember you saying in the summer/fall that your husband died and you hadn’t dated since. If I’m wrong, my apologies.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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