I had three short-lived online relationships the past year and a half that didn’t really go anywhere. After the last break up, I decided I was going to stop online dating for awhile, just do my own thing, and not put so much pressure on myself to be in a relationship. I called it getting my “mojo” back. I met a cute guy and had a one night stand. I had dates and flirtations with guys I met through friends or out about town. I was having fun.
I also reconnected with a guy I went on a date with from online a few months prior. We had a nice date but he made it clear he was only looking for something casual. Since that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time I didn’t return his texts. When I texted him a few months later to ask if he wanted to meet for drinks he agreed and we actually spent 4 hours at the bar laughing and talking. I’d never been in a casual sex/NSA type of thing before but I decided to give it a shot. And I also knew that if I did this I had to do it the right way and try not to get emotionally invested and be very rational about the whole thing. I am pretty sure he is sleeping with other women but I refused to ever ask or question if he is with other women.
We started out very casual and would see each other once or twice a week and he would text consistently but mostly about hooking up. And I mostly left the texting up to him. I would rarely initiate and if I had something else going on, I wouldn’t see him. Then I felt things start to change a little. He ramped up his texting to numerous times a day to just talk or banter, he started asking me to sleep over, he was very cuddly, he would want me to stay and hang out and watch movies or we would go get food together,we could talk for hours about just random stuff and just laugh and laugh, and he would always talk about next time….
One night I was coming home from the bar and I texted him to see if he was still up. He texted me back and said he was out of town visiting friends. Then he texted me telling me how sweet and beautiful I am. Not his usual type of text. I asked what was going on. And he called me. He was pretty wasted and he just kept going on about how much he likes me and he was glad I texted him because it shows I like him. Since he was so drunk it was just a rambling conversation. He called back 15 mins later to just talk again and I asked about the town he was visiting–I said I hadn’t been there in awhile–and he said next time I’ll take you with me. He texted me throughout the whole weekend and when he got back.
He wanted to see me right away but I couldn’t because I had to work late. I saw him the next day but I got to his place really late because a friend needed my help with something and I could tell he was a little upset. We never brought up the phone calls. And we were a little awkward and I was a little mean. I regret being a little mean but it came out before I could help it. The next day he texted and I made a joke about the night before and I could tell he got a little upset and our texts started dwindling a little. He told me he was going out of town for work for two weeks. My friends convinced me to go back online. Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes. And he got a bit nasty via text. I stopped responding because I didn’t want to engage in a stupid battle.
A few days later he texted and asked where I was hiding. I said I felt our last convo got out of hand and it was pointless to continue our pointless argument. He apologized and said he had been drinking. He was still out of town and out texts picked back up again. Just normal funny conversation. He got back into town last week and I went to see him. We started kissing and he was just really nervous and he couldn’t get it up. I asked what was going on. And he said he has started to have feelings for me, he feels emotional with me, he can’t just have unemotional sex with me. I asked if he wants to have emotional sex. He said no because he is afraid HE will like it too much. that I don’t fit into his plan of fucking around for a few more years. I knew he had gotten out of a 5.5 year relationship 1.5 years earlier. And he told me his plan was to play around for a few more years and then wake up and get married. He kept telling me–you don’t fit into my plan. Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me. I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life. Blah Blah Blah. We were going in circles. And I had to go and he had to go meet a client. I said we need to finish this conversation. Don’t blow me off. He promised he wouldn’t.
Of course he did. I texted the next day and asked if he wanted to meet. He said he can’t because he is going to be with another girl (he didn’t word it as nicely) and said see? I’d be a terrible guy to date seriously. This text from him did not surprise me at all. My friends were shocked at how crude he was but knowing his personality and what he said the day before, I saw it coming. I called him out on being a wimp. He laughed, said I was funny and said he would like to see me this weekend. I said let me know when works for you and I’ll try but my patience is wearing thin. There has been no contact now since. I refuse to contact him.
The thing is if he isn’t ready to be date me then I need to walk away. I don’t want to just be his friend. Especially, after he opened this can of worms and addressed our connection. BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck. But I don’t see what he is getting out of it. If he is messing with my mind, what is he getting out of it? If I stop all contact, he can’t mess with me….So I think he is being honest. But I just wanted an opinion on if I am being manipulated here….And if so, why….
I don’t know if you’re being manipulated. Manipulation requires a level of intelligence and self-awareness. This guy just sounds …stupid. He does and says things never really thinking about the repercussions. He just acts or reacts with little regard to how things will play out. He just likes to watch the fall out.
Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes.
And how exactly did he know this? Because he was online, too? Oh, okay. Then it makes total sense that he would be “upset” by your decision to do the same. Think that through. Does that sound rational? Of course not. He saw an opportunity to mess with you, so he took it. I’m sure he had a good excuse as to how he found that out, too. One that in now way implicates him for doing the exact same thing you’re doing.
Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me.
What script was he reading? No man says things like this. This is the type of thing you hear in a movie. Again, this guy just seems like a dope in love with the sound of his own voice. A childish, unintelligent, overwhelmingly unimpressive dope. He’s feeding you lines, hon.
I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life.
This is the only thing out of his mouth I believe. I believe he doesn’t want to lose you in that he doesn’t want to lose the attention you provide.
BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck.
It is. But until you accept that and stop telling yourself it’s anything more, he’ll still be able to suck you back in. You will never change him, nor will he ever admit to doing anything wrong. He will be back. Trust me. They always come back. They do something to trigger a response. They might even make something up with the intention of grabbing your attention. He’ll come back around and say something with the intention of getting you all flustered, you’ll engage him, he’ll be sated and he’ll go away until the next bout of boredom or need for drama hits him. They’re like 16 year old girls, right down to how they fight. No matter what you say or do, they will only hear what they want to hear. So either tell him what he wants to hear so he’ll go away or don’t engage him at all.
These guys literally all take their cues from the same handbook. That’s why I say that men like this aren’t smart enough to be cunning or manipulative. They just find (sorry)a really vulnerable woman or naive simpleton and make them their audience. That’s their level. That’s the best they can do. You came around to him when you were vulnerable, so he preyed on that. That’s it. That’s your story. That’s the answer. And..scene.
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