I’ve definitely made out with a guy that I wasn’t really interested in at the end of a date. I went out with this guy and I knew long before we got our entrees that I didn’t want to see him again. He was just kind of dull and full of himself. Plus he talked incessantly about how his ex was a bitch, which was a huge red flag. But I had been optimistic and was previously looking forward to a good make out. I’d had a couple of beers and just thought I might as well go for the kiss anyways. Just curious if he was a good kisser and looking for a little intimacy. We ended up making out pretty intensely, practically groping, in the parking lot.I wasn’t too worried about it, because I was sure that he enjoyed it as well. But then I felt guilty, because I’d pretty much just used him for a little make out action. He proceeded to ask me out over text message and I decided the best course of action was to just be honest and tell him I wasn’t interested. I sent a nice enough text back, but he responded with a pretty rude text about how I led him on and something about me being a slut. While I think his response was immature, I kind of see his point. I can certainly understand why he felt that I led him on. So ever since then, I’ve been careful about what kind of signals I give on dates. – R
You were just curious if he’d be a good kisser and if he was looking for a little intimacy? Why is it so hard for women to admit that they just want attention? – M.
Why is it that wanting attention is used to mean ‘being a terrible person,’ especially when applied to a woman? If a guy relayed that story about a girl (‘I wasn’t that interested in her as a person, but she was attractive and I wanted to make out anyway’) he wouldn’t be treated like a monster, he would be treated like a guy. The difference between wanting ‘attention’ and wanting intimacy seems really irrelevant in this case, except that ‘attention’ makes Rachel a bad person, while ‘intimacy’ just makes her a person. And while it’s important to be careful to treat other people with decency, in the immortal words of Bret and Jemaine, a kiss is not a contract. – N.
He’d be treated like “a guy?” What does that even mean? Would a man really escape criticism if he did this? If so, the only reason would be is that most men don’t run to the internet and post such stories. Nobody knows you’re a dick if you don’t tell them. I’m sure the attention whorey men that would share these stories want the ire. That’s the difference. When men post stuff like this, they want women to be upset, because they want women to know how interchangeable they are so that the women will feel more competitive. That seems to be the main disconnect. When men behave badly, they are typically aware of it. Women tend to be the ones to create the false narrative in their heads as to how things played out.
It’s like when women tell stories about bad dates or meeting men that turned out to be jerks. Nine times out of ten, the story will go something like this:
So I met this guy on OK Cupid. His profile was all kinds of pretentious and he had these weird pics, but he and I both had a love of Elvis so I decided to meet him. Would you believe he turned out to be a jack ass? I’m so glad I decided not to go out on a second date with him.
Kinda like this story.
Rarely will the woman say that she went out with the guy because she was attracted to him despite the obvious signs that he was an jerk. The guy in her story clearly couldn’t have given a hoot what she thought of him. He went out with her for the attention. When he showed her his book, chock full of all kinds of American Psycho inspired douchebaggery, what he was saying to her was, “I couldn’t care less what you think.” That is what bothered her. I don’t think the misogynistic tone of his stories had as much to do with why there was never a second date as the fact that I’ll bet he never asked for one. Guys like this intentionally write obnoxious profiles trying to draw in unsuspecting women with whom they can mess. They’re attention whores. She fell for it. The End. She in no way slayed that dragon. But people will tell her she did., which is the point of telling such a tale.
When women retell such stories it’s very, very important to them that they be perceived as the heroine in the fairy tale.
Men don’t really care about being seen as the hero. They’re fine with being the villain. Know why? Because they know two very important things:
1. Many women tend to lie to their girlfriends. They let the woman have the empty win because they don’t care.
2. Many women are attracted to assholes…but will deny it.
A man can get away with being an asshat because he knows there’s always going to be a woman out there who will fall for it. A woman can’t because most men will know what she’s doing. He’ll either blow her off or use her. It’s another instance of women trying to re-enact what they believe is “common male behavior.” It’s not. It’s “common asshole behavior.” The laws of supply and demand are in the men’s favor. The more of a douchebag they are, the more women they can get.
Men aren’t the ones who date assholes. Women are. Men know that they can be the villain and still get what they want. Women don’t have that luxury. Not anymore, at least. In terms of work and education, we might have more leverage. That can’t be said for the dating and sexual market place. Our leverage has been slowly slipping away from us in that arena. Know why? Our need to “act like men.”
Ironic, isn’t it?