Why Men Aren’t Attracted to A**holes

More intriguing confessions from Nerve

I’ve definitely made out with a guy that I wasn’t really interested in at the end of a date. I went out with this guy and I knew long before we got our entrees that I didn’t want to see him again. He was just kind of dull and full of himself. Plus he talked incessantly about how his ex was a bitch, which was a huge red flag. But I had been optimistic and was previously looking forward to a good make out. I’d had a couple of beers and just thought I might as well go for the kiss anyways. Just curious if he was a good kisser and looking for a little intimacy. We ended up making out pretty intensely, practically groping, in the parking lot.I wasn’t too worried about it, because I was sure that he enjoyed it as well. But then I felt guilty, because I’d pretty much just used him for a little make out action. He proceeded to ask me out over text message and I decided the best course of action was to just be honest and tell him I wasn’t interested. I sent a nice enough text back, but he responded with a pretty rude text about how I led him on and something about me being a slut. While I think his response was immature, I kind of see his point. I can certainly understand why he felt that I led him on. So ever since then, I’ve been careful about what kind of signals I give on dates. – R

You were just curious if he’d be a good kisser and if he was looking for a little intimacy? Why is it so hard for women to admit that they just want attention? – M.

Why is it that wanting attention is used to mean ‘being a terrible person,’ especially when applied to a woman? If a guy relayed that story about a girl (‘I wasn’t that interested in her as a person, but she was attractive and I wanted to make out anyway’) he wouldn’t be treated like a monster, he would be treated like a guy. The difference between wanting ‘attention’ and wanting intimacy seems really irrelevant in this case, except that ‘attention’ makes Rachel a bad person, while ‘intimacy’ just makes her a person. And while it’s important to be careful to treat other people with decency, in the immortal words of Bret and Jemaine, a kiss is not a contract. – N.


He’d be treated like “a guy?” What does that even mean? Would a man really escape criticism if he did this? If so, the only reason would be is that most men don’t run to the internet and post such stories. Nobody knows you’re a dick if you don’t tell them. I’m sure the attention whorey men that would share these stories want the ire. That’s the difference. When men post stuff like this, they want women to be upset, because they want women to know how interchangeable they are so that the women will feel more competitive. That seems to be the main disconnect. When men behave badly, they are typically aware of it. Women tend to be the ones to create the false narrative in their heads as to how things played out.

It’s like when women tell stories about bad dates or meeting men that turned out to be jerks. Nine times out of ten, the story will go something like this:

So I met this guy on OK Cupid. His profile was all kinds of pretentious and he had these weird pics, but he and I both had a love of Elvis so I decided to meet him. Would you believe he turned out to be a jack ass? I’m so glad I decided not to go out on a second date with him.

Kinda like this story.

Rarely will the woman say that she went out with the guy because she was attracted to him despite the obvious signs that he was an jerk. The guy in her story clearly couldn’t have given a hoot what she thought of him. He went out with her for the attention. When he showed her his book, chock full of all kinds of American Psycho inspired douchebaggery, what he was saying to her was, “I couldn’t care less what you think.” That is what bothered her. I don’t think the  misogynistic tone of his stories had as much to do with why there was never a second date as the fact that I’ll bet he never asked for one. Guys like this intentionally write obnoxious profiles trying to draw in unsuspecting women with whom they can mess. They’re attention whores. She fell for it. The End. She in no way slayed that dragon. But people will tell her she did., which is the point of telling such a tale.

When women retell such stories it’s very, very important to them that they be perceived as the heroine in the fairy tale.

Men don’t really care about being seen as the hero. They’re fine with being the villain. Know why? Because they know two very important things:

1. Many women tend to lie to their girlfriends. They let the woman have the empty win because they don’t care.

2. Many women are attracted to assholes…but will deny it.

A man can get away with being an asshat because he knows there’s always going to be a woman out there who will fall for it. A woman can’t because most men will know what she’s doing. He’ll either blow her off or use her.  It’s another instance of women trying to re-enact what they believe is “common male behavior.” It’s not. It’s “common asshole behavior.” The laws of supply and demand are in the men’s favor. The more of a douchebag they are, the more women they can get.

Men aren’t the ones who date assholes. Women are. Men know that they can be the villain and still get what they want. Women don’t have that luxury. Not anymore, at least. In terms of work and education, we might have more leverage. That can’t be said for the dating and sexual market place. Our leverage has been slowly slipping away from us in that arena. Know why? Our need to “act like men.”

Ironic, isn’t it?


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
, ,

18 Responses to “Why Men Aren’t Attracted to A**holes”

  1. Erine Says:

    I dont think he went on a date with her for attention and he did ask her out for a secind date . You would be surpised but some pple arr just clueless and will talk nasty about their exes even if they would like to see the person they are on a date with again.
    What i dont understand is how a woman would make out with a man she isnt atyracted to. It works for a man sometimes but doesnt for the majority of women.
    and its pathetic and a sign of lack of many “more meaningful” interests one s life to document their dates for a blog

  2. Crotch Rocket Says:

    Why is it that wanting attention is used to mean ‘being a terrible person,’ especially when applied to a woman?
    There is nothing wrong with wanting attention; we all do. What’s wrong is using someone to get what you want. That’s what men (and women, for that matter) complain about.

    If a guy relayed that story about a girl (‘I wasn’t that interested in her as a person, but she was attractive and I wanted to make out anyway’) he wouldn’t be treated like a monster, he would be treated like a guy.
    I don’t even know what “treated like a guy” means. However, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t be bitching much about a woman who just wanted to make out–as long I knew that’s all it was. What I would be bitching about in R’s story is the mixed signals, which would earn her a “crazy” label. And I would expect a man who did the same thing to a woman to be labeled the same. However, many women would label such a man as “mysterious” and be attracted to his “playing hard to get”.

    Nobody knows you’re a dick if you don’t tell them. … When men behave badly, they are typically aware of it.
    Amen, sister. Aside from the drama queens, men generally keep their bad/questionable behavior to themselves. Not that we necessarily think what we’re doing is bad, but we know how others will react. There’s no upside to being known as an asshole, except in cases where the woman is obviously broken and attracted only to assholes.

  3. Howard Says:

    I couldn’t disagree more. Men do date assholes. It’s called thinking with the head in your pants. Now the commitment part is another story. It’s a mixed bag there. Unfortunately if he thinks female asshole is a prize, he may even marry her.

    It’s really amazing what the narrative in one’s head, will make one do. We all make mistakes. I believe men and women like to create a false image in their head about someone they are dating, to somehow improve their own sense of worth.

    • Erine Says:

      Very true. If a woman is hot and hotter than a man can typically go for and if he happens to fall for her (her hotnrss being one of the reasons) he would go as far as marrying her even if there are red flags and eveif the guy is otherwise smart and rational. Emotions blind pple.

      • Jack Says:

        True. But those are idiot men with no game – Probably just fell into money suddenly. You’ll notice that the men who have stuff going on, and who have been able to attract beautiful women in the past will not fall into the attractiveness trap. That’s why you see some guys with women you wouldn’t expect.

  4. Mike Says:

    She’s not an asshole so long as we’re having sex and if we’re not having sex than I am not dating her (more than 4 inexpensive dates). So, I don’t date assholes :)

  5. Badger Says:

    One of the toughest blue-pill things for me to deprogram from is this idea of the primacy of investment in female sexuality. To many Gen Xers and most Gen Yers (including me), we were taught that women guarded their sexuality closely and if she gave you so much as a kiss it meant she was really serious, really liked you and wanted you to reciprocate with investment of your own. Then I got out into the world and saw (and then experienced myself) that women had multiple uses for sexuality, just like men do (a man in love experiences sex with his love differently than when he’s just out for sex).

    This sort of thing used to really bother me, it shocked me how women would do this, and in some cases it was heartbreaking where I read much more into a woman’s sexual play with me than I should have. But it doesn’t bug me now – because observation has led me to understand that women have sex and use sex for various purposes (acquiring resources, social validation, personal validation, pure fun). There’s nothing morally wrong with that, unless you’re using other people as means to your own ends without concern for their ends. It does call on me to use my discernment skills to suss out what a woman is really after, and whether that’s compatible with my goals at the time.

    (I think younger GenYer men are less taken by this meme, because coming of age after Lewinsky and 9/11 they’ve seen hookup culture laid bare their whole mature lives, as a quickening outgrowth of our increasingly detached, paranoid and attention-whoring cultural values.)

    I didn’t need feminism to tell me “why can’t a woman just have a good fuck?” I saw it with my own eyes. Sure, lots of women can’t handle casual sex, but that doesn’t mean they don’t try – everything from random bar makeouts to FWB/FB, being party to a taken man’s affair, or going on a date with an underwhelming dude just because you fancied the idea of a quick smooch session at the end. (BTW, dear, there’s nothing “intimate” about kissing a guy you’ve already decided you’ll never see again. Sexual fun yes, intimacy, no.)

    • Howard Says:

      It is always interesting to watch how much marriage is made a priority in Asia and Africa. We in developed countries seem to have deprioritized marriage. The results of that seems to have led to the constant agonizing on boards like this. In fact we have become disconnected in general. This “take me as I am, or to hell with you” attitude signals the overly self focused attitude of most people. And that is primarily what makes people assholes. The more self focussed we become, the greater an asshole we seem to become.

      While there are a few men griping, it seems much of the constant whining on these boards are women stuck with their own narrative of the world, who seem to become unglued when men or the world hit them with a situation that unravels that self-focussed story line. Our existence is a paradoxical one where each of us is important but not that importantant that we should imagine some paramouncy of ourselves or our goals or our desires over those of others.

      • Jack Says:

        Howards you hit the nail ON THE HEAD. We think we are so smart in this culture that we throw tradition to the wind. I feel bad for women, because they fell for this deception that made them think acting ‘like neb’ was in their own best interest. You are only giving men more of what they want for cheaper and getting NOTHING out of it for yourself. Unless you’ve actually got game and are using it to get rich guys or some other “value”.

        • India Says:

          The above commentators are grossly romantizing traditional societies. My mother’s generation (in northern India) were all married by the age of 20 but often to much older men they did not even meet prior to the wedding. Women stayed married despite abuse often because they are entirely economically dependent on their older husbands. Here I am, with a graduate degree, my own money and my own house, and I would not trade the life I live for the world. I am in a relationship now but when I wa single, I was frustrated and upset. But never in my wildest dream did it think it was a good idea to go back to the society when I would have married at 16 to a stranger. I do not feel bad for today’s wome at all.

          • Jack Says:

            Nobody is talking about your mom’s society back in India. This is the problem with human beings. We swing the pendulum from one end to the other. Freedom doesn’t come without responsibility – The same women who want all this sexual freedom and want to be “like men” end up whining about it.

            Men haven’t changed a thing. Women have.

            • The D-man Says:

              India has over 1 billion people. It’s about the same size as the entire developed world. If you make a generalization about the developed world, it’s fair to use India as a counter-example, especially when you remember it’s a relatively free democracy.

            • India Says:

              As I said, I am more than happy with my life. It does sound like you have some bitterness about women, jack. Let us use western examples then. Howard mentioned asia and Africa. I responded to his comment about the reality in Asia. Yes woman have changed. We are better educated and have more independence economically. However, if you look at data from the Us today, better educated women have far lower divorce rate than those with a huh school education or less. More women in the high school or below segment never be married and become single parents. Empircal data says thay going back to traditional gender roles is better for marriage. Sexual freedom? Well it takes two people to exercise hat freedom. Perhaps the men participated in said freedom more than our grand father’s generation as well? Of note, there are lots and lots of happy women who do not whine at all – they just don’t frequent these blogs:)

  6. Badger Says:

    “I feel bad for women, because they fell for this deception that made them think acting ‘like neb’ [men mistyped I assume-B] was in their own best interest.”

    What’s interesting and ironic here is that when they say “act like men,” they really mean “act like the unavailable, boorish men whose behavior we don’t like but who we find dashingly sexy, who don’t call back, who flit in and out of our lives at will.” Men with options and a sociopathic streak can afford to act that way, most men can’t and most don’t want to. This is what we call the “apex fallacy,” assuming that the benefits, leeways and characteristics of being a top man apply to all men, ignoring that plenty of men want to have relationships and meaningful sex – like the guy the OP went on a date with.

    Women who have bought into the “act like a man” myth are really just acting out a revenge fantasy, that the rogues they are attracted to did this so it’s ok for them to do it to earnest guys. The OP has a lot of this going on. To paraphrase Betty Friedan, they’ve become the assholes they were looking for.

    • Jack Says:

      Thanks badger…typed way too fast, but appreciate you correcting that.

      “They’ve become the assholes they were looking for…”. That’s the only way to put it.

      Women have got it so wrong in the dating game, it’s almost hopeless. Most men really don’t want to be assholes.

  7. Kurt Says:

    I am not sure what the purpose of this post was. Yes, many women are attracted to asshole because the assholes display arrogance and confidence, which is apparently a turn-on to a lot of women.

    Men, however, need to feel respected which is why men with any amount of self-esteem won’t tolerate disrespectful asshole behavior from a woman.

© 2013-2018 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved