If You’re Not Getting Laid, It’s Not “Dating”

May 2nd, 2012

Dating, Online Dating, Sex

Here’s a question from our last He Said/She Said event. He asks:

How can you juggle relationships with more than one woman safely? ()Meaning without getting caught.)

Here’s the thing that annoyed me about this question. This was a blatant “Look at MEEEEEE!” Question. This was written so that the man who wrote it could jump in and “explain” why this is such a pressing issue for him. He wanted everybody to know that he managed to get two different women to go on a date with him. Congrats, brah. I knew who had asked the question, too. I had overheard him bragging to someone next to me during the cocktail hour about how he managed one night to find himself in the same room with omigod two different women he had recently met at separate events. Oh my God, you guys!!! Hilarity ensued!

Here’s the funny thing. Anybody at any time can have multiple people on their roster. You can be the biggest schlub in the world and still manage to have more than one date in a week. “Juggling” implies that you actually have on going relationships with these people. Managing to get two or three people to go out with you once or twice over a period of time really isn’t an accomplishment. Yet the people who do this frequently manage to “screw it up.” Accidentally, of course. They do things like:

  • “Accidentally” send you a text meant for someone else.
  • “Accidentally” refer to you by the wrong name or bring up something they thought you said or mentioned.
  • Feel compelled to be “honest” and let you know they’re dating other people.
  • Lead you to their Facebook, Twitter or Blog

In their mind, they’re building attraction and making themselves seem in high demand. In reality, they’re letting the other person know why they’re single in the first place. These people are trying to show that they have “game” or are “playing hard to get.” What they don’t consider is that the type of person to bite this particular hook usually ends up being more trouble than they are worth. Which is fitting, because so are they.The people they actually want are going to either drop them like a bad habit because they see through their transparent act OR they will take whatever they can get from them and then bolt. That’s what these games and strategy get you. A big fat goose egg.

Plenty of daters successfully manage to juggle multiple people. They remember names and dates. They have individual text conversations instead of multiple ones at the same time. They don’t mass text people.  They also don’t double and triple book themselves every week. The true key to juggling successfully is not to feel pressured to keep all the balls in the air at the same time. It’s okay to let one drop for a week or so. You send them a text or an email to make sure they know they’re still on your mind. You don’t go radio silent for two weeks. You invest a modest amount of time in each, with one or two getting more that particular week. The only reason somebody finds themselves in those supposedly sticky situations, like the guy who asked the question, is so that they can then turn around and tell they’re story in an attempt to impress people. Sadster.

Getting a bunch of  dates is a breeze. Getting some of those people to actually see you multiple times is where you gain bragging rights. And FYI? If you’re not sleeping with any of these people, they don’t count. Cultivating a group of men or women that text you or that you meet for the occasional drink is not “juggling” or “spinning plates.” It’s also not “dating.” I swear some people just want to fill up their phone with numbers and have people to grab drinks with just to say they’re “dating.”

Going on a bunch of dates does not increase your value in the market place. Getting laid does. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but it’s true. If there is no consistent sex, you’re friends at best.

Ergo, you really have nothing to brag about.





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10 Responses to “If You’re Not Getting Laid, It’s Not “Dating””

  1. Joseph Says:

    For a man, if you are not getting laid you are a not even a friend you are an entertainment committee. Look, I have female friends that I went to school with or met professionally. When we go out or meet I am not “setting it up.” I am not picking the place, activity, or paying. It’s clearly no different than going out for a beer with the guys. Contrast the moron guy who continues to “date” a woman who he is not banging. He has turned himself into her entertainment sub contractor. And really, can it get any better for a woman? She gets a guy to continually shower affection on her, bring her to great places, fawn all over her, and pay. I truly hate men like this. They outnumber real men like me and make it harder for us. I have a 3 – 4 date tolerance and they are always inexpensive and brief dates. Now in all fairness some women do meet me with an open mind and at the end of the day just do not “feel it” for me. I have no problem with a woman like that and have a great deal of respect for her. But I can always sniff out the broads that are just using me to stave off their boredom. Those chicks pay dearly. Understand that with me I am always unambiguous that we are on a DATE. This could not be clearer through my texts messages and in person communication. One technique I use is to “make my move” and when they act shocked I am even more shocked and indignant because as I tell them I could not have made it more clear that we have been on DATES and I liked her, so why would she expect anything less. At this time they USUALLY CONFESS that they were just hanging out with me because they were bored. So then I act all crestfallen and excuse myself to the men’s room – and LEAVE. Then I text them my (sarcastic) goodbye. Or I’ll set up a date, stand them up and when they text I’ll tell them I am stuck in traffic, etc., leave them sitting there all night long and finally send them my (sarcastic) final missive. This one is really good, because I am usually with my friends drinking and laughing my butt off. I have no sympathy for these weak loser men who spend tons of loot while they are drawing dead, and I have no sympathy for these user woman who get what is coming to them.

  2. uesider Says:

    I agreed with you until the last part. Have some class. Tell her that you’re leaving and make a graceful exit. It’s not about punishing them, it’s about you. Be the better person.

  3. kemji Says:

    THe day women start manning up and actually telling guys they are not attracted to them(after or during dates) is the day this phenomenon starts dying out. This is partly why men struggle to know if they really should “LISTEN” to women because there are times(like this issue)where you want to respect a woman and actually listen to what she is saying and show her that you care about her opinions, but some women will never say the truth directly and YOU have to painfully realize it on your own.man up!

  4. Um Says:

    There are many reasons why people do not put out right away. I still know many people who are waiting until marriage due to marriage/culture reasons. More power to them.

    For me, I know when I sleep with a guy, I get way too emotionally invested in them. I’ve learned to wait until we’re exclusive. Better for the both of us. It may take more than 4 dates though to get to that conversation. Oh well. It’s better to let the overly horny ones go to get to a quality relationship, methinks. And if what I do isn’t considered “dating,” I’m perfectly fine with it.

    And you know, if the guy is so willing to play mind games with me, as Joseph is so eager to do once “blown off,” it’s better that we didn’t jump in the sack anyway.

    • uesider Says:

      That’s reasonable. I don’t believe in “rules” like 2 dates, 3, 4, whatever but the physical has to be “going in the right direction” or I cut it off. Hopefully you have that discussion with your dates about needing to wait for exclusivity if you are attracted.

  5. Crotch Rocket Says:

    Yet the people who do this frequently manage to “screw it up.” Accidentally, of course.
    I’ve known guys who successfully managed to juggle multiple real relationships, sometimes (but not always) one of them being a marriage, and it didn’t seem difficult at all: they just didn’t tell the women about each other. Voilà, problem solved. Yes, there are minor complications such as holidays, but they’re remarkably easy to deal with if you simply check your conscience at the door. If someone has a problem with this, especially if they’re just “dating” all of the various women, it’s either because they’re an idiot or because deep down they want to get caught.

    If you’re not sleeping with any of these people, … It’s also not “dating.” If there is no consistent sex, you’re friends at best.
    I disagree. If you’re going on dates (and not just one or two) with them, you’re dating them. That’s what the word means. OTOH, I would agree there is no relationship if you’re not having sex.

    I swear some people just want to fill up their phone with numbers and have people to grab drinks with just to say they’re “dating.”
    Well, that is dating as well, though not dating any specific person if there’s few/no repeats.

    • Kurt Says:

      I agree. If the man is paying for the dates, he is dating those women at least in his mind. I guess I can see why women wouldn’t consider it dating if the women aren’t having sex with the guy, aren’t paying their own way, aren’t getting invested, etc.

      • Joseph Says:

        If the man is paying for more than a few inexpensive dates then he’s a sucker. I’ve had women call me after a few dates after I stopped calling because I knew there was no interest and they wanted to get together. So I said, “sure, where are you buying me dinner…no, I’m serious I took you out 3 times and you called so you’re buying and making the arrangements…why should I pay…because I’m the man, oh, I see, well, are we going to screw…so if you’re not sexually attracted why would you expect anything else from me…hello…hello…”

  6. Jeff Says:

    Dear Moxie, the fact that you have thought all of this out, stratagized the art of being a player if you will… Represents what is so wrong about dating today. It is also the part of your blog that causes me to warn people to read you with a grain of salt.

  7. M Says:

    Just because you have a certain viewpoint doesnt mean that you are inherently more “right” than anyone else. Your current site doesnt show this, but I remember your old site had a section on the side where it showed where the most recent 10 or so visitors were from; at best only HALF were from NYC or the surrounding area. And what may be common in NY often doesnt fly in much of the rest of the country. I find it really offputting to see opinions such as these presented as fact.

    Getting a bunch of dates is a breeze.

    No, its not. At least not if you are a guy. I talk about this with my single friends, all decent guys with a lot to offer, and we never find it easy to get dates. From time to time, we may have 2 or 3 girls we are talking to, but in terms of quantity, thats as good as it gets.

    If you’re not sleeping with any of these people, they don’t count.

    Dating, by definition, is the act of going out on dates. Nothing more. Dates count, regardless of what happens on them. On a number of dates, Im not even trying to get laid. While sex on the first date may be par for the course in NY, its not where I live. While that may be your measuring stick, I think most people would disagree with you. Its this kind of mentality that has caused dating to devolve into what it is today.

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