My friend B. was in a bar the other night watching a game. In came a woman, by herself, who sat down right next to him. They chatted a bit as he watched the game. They flirt. They buy each other a drink or two. She tells B. that she’s not going home with him that night. When the game ends, the bar opens up its dance floor and starts playing music. B. and the woman began to dance. According to B, she started pulling out some “dirty dancing” type moves. It starts to get late. B. suggests that they share a cab down town. He lives in the East Village, she lives in Brooklyn. She agrees. B. is not opposed to hooking up. Not at all. But she has already stated that that wouldn’t happen. So he tells the cab driver to make two stops. A few minutes in to the ride home, she kisses B. He kisses back. She says out loud, but to nobody in particular, “I’m not going home with you tonight.” B. gets out at his stop and pays the cab for his portion of the ride and hers and he says good night.
His question to me: “How could I have turned that around and gotten her to come home with me?”
To me, it didn’t sound like there was a high degree of difficulty here. The woman all but begged him to take her home. When a woman in this particular scenario announces that she won’t be sleeping or going home with with a particular man that night, what she’s really saying is, “Help me justify having sex with you.”
That’s really all we want. We want you to give us a reason to justify doing it. We can rationalize our way through anything. You just have to give us something to gnaw on.
Give us a reason not to have sex with you and we will take that and run with it. That’s why it’s important not to say or do anything that will make us feel “slutty.” Which is tricky, since so many women like to use sex or innuendo as a way to get a man’s attention. Call the woman on her sexual assertiveness or respond to it by upping the ante and there’s a really good chance she will back down. Don’t take the bait in those cases. Let her lead. Let her think she’s seducing you. Don’t get all handsy or start in with the dirty talk. She wants to control the pace. Let her. We spoke a few weeks ago about how women need to let men think that they are the ones that inspired their more carnal desires. It’s the same thing, but in reverse. Women like this need to think that you desire them, not just sex.
I’m sure that there is all kinds of “game” out there that would have helped B. get what he wanted. I told him that maybe he just didn’t want it that bad and that’s why he didn’t try to get her in to bed. I would bet any amount of money that she would have said yes. Women like this, the ones who try to set themselves apart from other women or who attempt to make themselves more of a challenge, rarely ever are. They just want to think they are. So, if your goal is to bed them, that’s what you help them believe. They want to think they’re different. So tell them or show them that they are.
As for the women who use this ploy, time for y’all to start owning up to what you’re really doing when you make such declarations. Either have sex with him or don’t say anything sexual in nature. Want it. Don’t want it. The topic is still sex. If you’re not looking for sex then you are seeking validation. You’re trying to get him to demonstrate to you how much better he believes you are compared to other women.
Women need to stop competing with other women in their heads. That includes trying to shame any woman who doesn’t need to justify having sex. When you hear a woman go on and on (and on) about how dehumanizing and degrading it is for a woman to sleep with a man “too soon”, what she’s really expressing is her own insecurity and competitiveness. Not for you? Super. Not getting any offers? Don’t blame us.
Just keep something in mind, guys. These types of women, the ones who need to justify having sex, usually end up being quite a handful. So weigh the pros and cons carefully. The chances that she’s going to be able to handle a casual hook up are slim. You will be expected to consistently indulge her need to feel special.
There’s also a difference between a woman responding to a man’s advances by saying, “I’m not going home with you tonight” and a woman who alerts a man to the fact that she won’t be sleeping with him without provocation. Telling a man who is egregiously coming on to you that you won’t be sleeping with him typically eggs him on. That’s why, when you’re in that situation, you just smile and don’t react or respond. That, more than anything else, will communicate your intentions. Telling him you won’t be having sex with him will be perceived as though you are playing his game.
To me, the woman in B.’s story appeared to be seeking something. Maybe it was sex. Maybe it was a boyfriend. Maybe it was just attention. What someone like that ends up with is dependent upon the execution of the plan. A lot of women do this. They meet a guy and they decide they just want to hook up. (More often than not, they don’t want to “just” hook up. They just tell themselves that they do.) Then, somewhere along the way she gets all, “Oh, he seems really nice and funny and genuine. I could see us dating.” Unfortunately, she’s already pulled out her Lambada moves on the dance floor or done too many shots or whatever. Now she scrambles to go back to square one. Ladies, there is no going back. Decide ahead of time what you want and then follow through. Don’t stop mid-way and try to redirect the plan. The guy will pick up on the mixed messages and he’ll bail.
Men, much like women, appreciate consistency. Where there is inconsistency, there’s drama.