He Said/ She Said – Porn, Condoms, Cheating & Texting

Here are three questions from our last He Said/She Said event that should generate some interesting discussion.

Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?

I would guess that men prefer bareback for the same reason a woman prefers it – it just feels better.  The sensations are all intensified. Obviously, condoms are used to prevent accidental pregnancy and STDs. But if the woman is practicing birth control and the guy knows he doesn’t have any STI’s, then he doesn’t understand why the condom is necessary. That’s why he’s usually lax about it. He’s not as worried about contracting something, so there isn’t much urgency on his part. Where men usually screw up is when it comes to pregnancy. Guys have to learn how that whole area works. Women have to be stringent about their reproductive organs and areas. Between breast exams and Pap smears, we have an acute awareness and understanding of how our parts function and therefore we know when something is off. Which means we have  more pregnancy and STD scares than men. That’s why women are so insistent. We’re paranoid. We’ve also been conditioned to believe that if we don’t use condoms that that means we don’t respect ourselves or that Karma will rear its head and infect us with herpes. If we go without, we’re foolish and reckless and have low self esteem. We’re not educated or responsible. We’re dumb.

Where this becomes a moral or ethical issue is when you make a pledge to use protection or when you’re in a relationship and cheating. If you intentionally betray a promise or have unprotected sex with someone outside of your relationship, you’re either really selfish or really passive aggressive.

From Time to time I have watched porn even when I have been serious with someone. What is the best way to bring this up? I don’t think I am addicted but once in a while I have that urge. Is this an issue?

I don’t know why you have to introduce your porn habit or collection to the women you date. Most women accept that most men watch porn. When this question was asked, one woman was very vocal about how she would break up with any guy that watched porn and that it was disrespectful to the man’s partner. Being the compassionate and sensitive woman I am, I told her she should plan on either having every man she dated lie to her or she should get used to being single. Sometimes people – men and women – watch porn because they don’t have anybody to fantasize about at the moment to help them get from Point A to Point B. Maybe they do have someone but want to switch things up.  Or maybe they just want to have an orgasm and not have to deal with any of the emotional preparation or clean up. Sometimes we just want the orgasm. You can’t take it personally if a woman uses a vibrator or a guy watches porn. There are times we just have a hit of horniness and need a release. Nobody should have to defend or explain that to someone who claims to care for them. If it bothers you, then you’re insecure and you need to deal with that without projecting it on your partner. Note that we’re not talking about porn addiction here. That’s a whole other issue.

Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.

Yes, they know. Most don’t care, because they don’t allow themselves to be guilt tripped into indulging some random woman’s need to feel special. And that is all it is – a need to feel special. Ladies, stop with the bullshit about how it’s indicative of laziness or cowardice or how it’s easier to talk on the phone. You want to feel special. End of story.

The man I’m dating admitted that he cheated on his previous girlfriend. Should I trust him?

First of all..why is he telling you this? Was this a situation where you found something out and confronted him? Did he offer this information up? If he revealed this on his own with no provocation from you, then that’s a bad sign. That’s self-sabotage or passive aggression. He’s either warning you or trying to make you insecure. If you heard this through friends or connected some dots based on other things he told you and you asked, then I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his honesty against him. He should have lied, of course. Most men would. But he didn’t. You can’t trap the guy and then dump him for telling you something you already knew. If he lies, and you know he’s lying, you still can’t really blame him. He’s covering his ass. We all do it. That’s why you don’t ask these questions or dig for info. This just in: we’re all assholes at one time or another. Don’t delude yourself into believing you’re going to find that one special asshole-less snowflake. They don’t exist.

I think that, as human beings, we make mistakes. People cheat. It happens. Where it becomes unforgivable to me is if they did it multiple times. Especially with the same person. One time? I can forgive that. But if they did it repeatedly then they obviously were able to push past the guilt or remorse. That’s the true betrayal. (And if they did it without a condom? Well, you know where I’m going with this.) If someone can do that multiple times, that’s not someone who is safe. They may not do it again, but they have the potential to betray in other ways.

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25 Responses to “He Said/ She Said – Porn, Condoms, Cheating & Texting”

  1. Howard Says:

    Agree on most. However, believe on generally taking things that happened before a relationship completely off the table. Sure there are exceptions for serious criminal behavior. But when it comes to sex, I don’t think either party should be forced into a corner for information or the requisite lie. The rule should be: that what happened before, shouldn’t seriously affect me. And if it does, there better be extenuating circumstances that can be remedied or dealt with in a way that leaves me in a good place.

    We all bring some baggage. The attitude of “take me as I am, or to hell with you” is always bound to bring problems. Sure, a guy knows, your kids, or work or something really important to you, comes first, you don’t need to beat him over the head with that. This leads into the issue of priorities. If you don’t make something or someone a priority, it will never happen the way you wish it to turn out.

    That priority issue and looking for the world to change, rather than ourselves, are the reasons we don’t achieve our objectives, especially when it comes to finding the one.

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  2. The Private Man Says:

    “Ladies, stop with the bullshit about how it’s [texting] indicative of laziness or cowardice or how it’s easier to talk on the phone. You want to feel special. End of story.”

    When Moxie dunks, she slams dunks.

    Thanks Moxie!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 7

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    • ultra violet Says:

      Moxie somethings way off if you think a woman shouldn’t be or feel special. Whats in it for them if they are not special to the guy ? they are unpaid hookers. free for all comers.

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    • nathan Says:

      There are so many other ways of showing a woman she’s special anyway. I don’t get the phone obsession, especially when you are just meeting someone. When all you are probably doing is exchanging practical info like date location and time. A five or ten minute phone call from me doesn’t mean crap in the grand scheme of things. If I’m interested, I’ll show her in many different ways. And if I’m not, then that phone call will be nothing but a forgotten experience from yet another date that didn’t lead to a second one.

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      • Jamie Says:

        Oh there are other ways, but those ways are so often overlooked, and the text in lieu of a call or email is like oh look one less way to feel special. Dude, if a call makes me feel more important and a text makes me feel less important, and THE CALL IS FREE (or what 10 cents a minute if you go over? Still, not like flowers or a cab ride), then it’s like, wow, you won’t even go for thelow-hanging fruit. I especially dislike it when it is used to break an appointment or to pop back up from the dead after a disappearance. It is so much more likely to be used for a weasel move. I don’t have a ring tone on for texts anymore, and I never acknowledge their receipt. Nine times out of ten, a text is some message I didn’t want to hear.

        Please… calls instead of texts, compliments, small courtesies… THESE ARE FREE and cost only your attention and go further than a dinner or a bouquet. Unless you don’t *want* the woman to feel special — you want her to get the message this is just a one-off or a convenience lay — why not make the effort? You might get some extra efforts in return!

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        • Angeline Says:

          I completely disagree. Talking on the phone, cold, is like a fiirst date, without the possibility of seeing him, reading his gestures and facial expressions, no playful touch on the arm, but lots of opportunity for missed meanings and awkwardness. And I wouldn’t want to call or take a call during work hours, where my coworkers or boss could hear the conversation, putting even more stilted discomfort into it. But if I let the call go to voicemail, that feels rude.

          I don’t mind at all some chit chat texts or emails back and forth, I can do that privately and as I have time. Especially if we’ve already agreed to meet, a little flirtatious texting can be fun.. Sometimes a little of that will lead to a phone call if we’re having fun, but either way we’re still feeling each other out. Assigning so much iimport to something you admit takes little effort is silly.

          I’m trying and failing to come up with some kind of gender-reversed thing to show how silly this phone requirement is. “It’s really important to me when we meet that you hold my hand as we go to our seats, it makes me feel special and like you value meeting me.” OK, it’s free, a little gesture to prove something to him … to prove he’s special.

          Just let it develop as it will. The improv of that is the fun part of dating. God knows there’s a lot that *isn’t* fun. Don’t suck all the life out of it with rules based on a flawed premise that you can control how it unfolds.

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          • Jamie Says:

            There really shouldn’t be a lot of phone calling before a first date anyway; maybe one the day of, or the night before, to confirm, or cancel. And God do I *hate* flirtatious texts from someone I don’t feel comfortable with yet. I cancelled a first date after getting a text from someone I hadn’t met yet, from match, who started off “hey sexy lips” — really??? yuck! It was after then that I incorporated the moxie rule of very limited phone talking before a first date, and I turned off the text message alert tones.

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            • Nathan Says:

              So, what is the point in demanding a phone call, Jamie? You aren’t interested in extended chatting before a first date. What does it matter if the details of the date or check in are done via text, email, or phone? If the “dudes” you are going on dates with are so clueless that they don’t know how to make you feel important, then move on. There are plenty of guys who get it out there. Having silly requirements like a phone call before a first date won’t protect you from the clueless and shameless, but it might easily leaf you to miss out on otherwise good men.

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  3. India Says:

    Hat is wrong with waning to feel special? Do you prefer to invest emotionally and physically in somone who does not make you feel special?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 4

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    • Angeline Says:

      How is doing some generic task on a generic list going to make you feel special?

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    • The D-man Says:

      If it’s important to you that the guy call you, it’s your job to make that clear to him. We can’t read your mind. I’ve dated women who don’t like talking on the phone. They told me this so I never called unless it was an emergency. Doesn’t mean I didn’t think they were special.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah. If the “call or not?” issue is that divisive, it might be helpful (for either gender) to make a habit of rattling off “so yeah, I’ll get back to you about Saturday. Text or phone call, do you have a preference?”

        I guess I agree with the “eh, what’s the point?” folks. If you’re just moving from Point A (talking in ether) to Point B (meeting in person), then who cares how it’s done? If you order a pizza, is it more “special” to talk to the pizza guy on the phone rather than order it online? You’re “special” to your potential date in that they’re making time to meet you; beyond that, you need to prove yourself in person. Now, if you’re talking about someone you have met and are actively dating, I think there’s room to argue that actual conversations are more connecting than text messages and compromise on different communication styles and whatnot.

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    • Charlie Says:

      There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who makes you feel special through their actions. However expecting everyone you ever meet to immediately treat you like you are special is absurd.

      The reality is, you are as special as the other roughly 150 million women in the US.

      i.e. not at all.

      Same goes for the guys.

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  4. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Guess no one has considered this:

    Maybe you’re not that special? Maybe the reason why men aren’t going the extra nine yards for you “make me feel special” gals is because they don’t have to?

    Wrap your brains around that one.

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    • India Says:

      Maybe that is how you see yourself. Unfortunate. Every other female in the world is really not obliged to take your world view.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Maybe that is how you see yourself.

        You’re absolutely right. I don’t think I’m special. Know why:? Because I’m not. Nobody is “special.” Stop making this about self-esteem. Your self-esteem is your responsibility. It’s not up to some random dude on Match or EHarmony to fulfill some needy woman’s bottomless need to feel “special.”

        Every other female in the world is really not obliged to take your world view.

        Yet I’m expected to take yours and if I don’t I’m “sad.”

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        • ctygrl917 Says:

          Guys….if you want to display a complete lack of self confidence to a girl, ask her out using a text message, email, or social networking site. Because technology is so pervasive in our lives today, it may seem natural to ask a girl out by using a text message, email, or social networking site, but doing so is a very poor choice for several reasons:

          - You’ll forever be known as “that guy” who asked her using a text message, email, or social networking site.
          - Displays a total lack of confidence,
          - Can come off as creepy.
          - Makes it much easier for her to reject you.

          If you’re not man enough to ask her out in person, you’re not worth dating. Plus, many girls, especially the more attractive ones, get all sorts of attention from guys on the social networking sites they frequent. They constantly get messages and comments from random guys telling them how pretty they are. Do you want to be lumped into the same category as these guys? Hopefully not. Asking her out in person will help differentiate yourself from the crowd. Do it.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Yes, that’s how you get a man to do something. You emasculate him by telling him he’s not a “man” if he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you.

            Please don’t speak for all women.

            - You’ll forever be known as “that guy” who asked her using a text message, email, or social networking site.
            - Displays a total lack of confidence,
            - Can come off as creepy.
            - Makes it much easier for her to reject you.

            …..unless you’re really attractive. In that case, we don’t care how you ask us out.

            There. Fixed that for you.

            Rules only work if you’re consistent.

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    • Jamie Says:

      If I give a crap about a man, I treat him very specially. If I don’t get the same treatment in return, then what’s the point, just to get laid? I can take care of my own needs, and go out and socialize with friends. I don’t see the point of dating anyone who doesn’t treat me as someone special. If they’re acting like I’m not important when we’re trying to win each other over, then what hope is there for after we take each other’s presence as a given?

      So they’ll get laid from someone who accepts their texts, says everything they do is ok, call me, don’t call me, text me, don’t text me, wear a rubber or not, compliment me or not, cancel a date by text at the drop of a hat… it’s ok, I give up…

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      • Nathan Says:

        Jamie – you are talking about what its like to be in a relationship. I totally agree that if you are with someone, and really care about them, you go the extra mile. But that takes time to develop. I am respectful on initial dates, but until I know her more, and really have a sense of what I feel about her, she is not “special.” And I would hope I am not considered special after one or two dates. Because what does that mean anyway? How can you know someone well enough to think they are special and treat them as such after a week or two? It’s just lust and imagination at that point.

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  5. Badger Says:

    Re: condoms, yesterday I left a comment that GenY women seemed very sexually uptight and required a lot of maneuvering around false “resistance” and game-playing (I for one try to avoid that kind of archetype, it’s tiring and unrewarding). I chalk a lot of this up to Boomer parenting, it’s the generation of overscheduled kids with helicopter parents who are deathly afraid of failure. Tought to take a risk like sex in stride with that mindset.

    Anyway, one unfortunate outgrowth of the skittishness is the lack of attention to birth control. Honestly, if you’re only comfortable with sex that seems to “just happen” then planning for protection is itself a giveaway. Roosh (I’m sure everyone here loves him) had a post that he was banging a large number of American women who didn’t give a crap about whether he wore a condom, and in his book of vignettes had at least one story of a girl who needed the “it just happened” routine so much he didn’t think he had time to even grab a condom lest the lay slip away.

    Tom Leykis, who love him or hate him has sampled a lot of women, noted on the air that at some point a while back, women seemed to just downshift in their discipline re: condoms and birth control.

    I’m happy to hear the OP insists on her man wrapping up, but myself and others in my generation have been meeting a lot of girls who lack either the concern or courage to ask for it themselves. (BTW condom use is non-negotiable for me.)

    On texting:

    “Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.”

    This is another thing where women SAY they want the guy to call, but the effort and stress in returning a voicemail is such that calling simply provides another logistical pathway to not getting a date. Guys who are paying attention learn not to challenge women too much by asking them to schedule calling him back, find a private place to talk, get in the right mood, hope she doesn’t sound weird or jumpy, etc. Of course if you’re really into the guy, you’ll take his call, if he’s a maybe prospect, he might strike himself out expecting you to make some investment of your own time to call him back.

    My rates of return with calling women I haven’t gotten serious with are very low – even in cases online where the woman sends me her number and says “call me”, I call that night or the next day and never hear from her again. I also think this is generational (I mostly date women 25-30). I was corresponding with a female reader of my blog who was just out of college, and I noted the spottiness in women returning calls versus texting, which I found very impersonal. She told me “oh yeah, phone calls are way too formal for women today. Even if she says call me, she really means text me.” My generation has a real aversion to personal connection that is lamentable.

    I took her advice, with texting I hear back almost 100% of the time and get them out on a date pretty reliably from there. It’s not that I “don’t care,” I’ve always wanted to call, so as to get the voice to voice real time connection going, but experience has taught me that calling is a way to get lost in her busy schedule, whereas texting is much lower-impact and thus she’s more likely to respond.

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  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?”

    Condom use, for men, is a bit like the Chinese Finger Trap. Even if you hate them, it is better to insist on using them when you’re getting to know a woman because, strategically, you are more likely to be able to convince her later to stop using them if she thinks you’re a guy that uses them regularly with other women. If you’re cavalier about them, you risk being the guy who is too cavalier about condoms and then you will always be the guy who is too “comfortable not wearing condoms.”

    Beyond the strategy I note above, there is actually very little use for condoms for men because women obviously bear most of the risks for lack of use. Other than men who are high profile or especially wealthy (and therefore subject to potentially extortionate demands from a pregnant girlfriend-, or perceive themselves to be for whatever reason), many men simply don’t see much upside to using them. That’s why, in your experience, “regular guys” don’t seem to care about condoms. They don’t care because they don’t care.

    Same reason they don’t care if you want them to call you rather than text.

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  7. Kurt Says:

    I personally prefer calling instead of texting, but I get annoyed when women either don’t answer the phone or don’t return a call promptly enough. Maybe men get sick of dealing with this type of behavior over time and then prefer to text until the woman has proven herself to be interested, considerate, and worthy of a phone call?

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  8. Paul Murray Says:

    ” Q: Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.
    A: Yes, they know. Most don’t care,”

    First: it’s because women take so damn long to do anything, *especially* talk on the phone.
    Second: It’s because you wan to leave something for the date itself.

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  9. Paul Murray Says:

    “Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?”

    I love the self-righteous “how dare the men prefer that sex feel good! What about teh wimminz?” that so often comes out when women talk about condoms. As the old joke has it: “Why to women close their eyes during sex? Because they can’t stand seeing a man enjoy himself.”

    Sure, I would never dream of sexing without a franger on, but the attitude that what a man wants or would find nice is completely unimportant is just a bit grating. So often, sex us the *only* think a man gets out of a relationship – wading through a daily torrent of crap to get it – and here you are, insisting on the “right” to ruin even that.

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