How Come He Can’t Get More Women To Like Him?

Name: Andrew
Age: 40
State: New Jersey
Question: I’m a 40 year-old single guy living in Hoboken, NJ. I have a great group of friends but have had to rely on online dating for almost all of my dating over the past 2 1/2 years.

My dilemma is as follows. Over this time period, I’ve been using match.com on and off. I’ve managed a couple of short term relationships (2-4 months), and dated many women for short periods of time (many one and done dates, several strings of 2-4 dates which didn’t turn into anything).

What’s been happening is that almost all of the women I’ve dated have been women who’ve contacted me. This isn’t a bad thing except that it seems to go in ebbs and flows with long periods of inactivity. Because of this, I’ve spent a lot more time recently emailing women rather than waiting for them to come to me. I recently started using your approach I book marked your article about online dating emails, but don’t seem to be getting anywhere (1 response in about 25).

What I’ve noticed is that 90-95% of the profiles I comes across are so boring that I can’t even find 1-2 decent questions to ask in order to get a reply back. What I want to know is how does a single guy weed through countless profiles that are almost all exactly alike except for the pictures? I’m sure I’m not the only guy out there experiencing this issue and I wanted to know if you and your readers could shed some light on this for me.

 

The first thing you need to understand is that most people’s profiles seem boring because we look at so many that they all sound the same. Don’t expect to be wowed when you check out someone’s ad. You should expect to hear the same things that every man or woman says. Don’t focus so much on the profile text because much of that is manufactured hoo hah. Focus on the photos. Ask a question about one of the photos rather than something they say in their profile. That picture was chosen for a reason.

All you should be looking for when you read profiles are signs that they’re going to be difficult. Boring is actually a good thing in this regard. You don’t want a woman or a man who tells you they are:

  • Sarcastic/sassy
  • Independent
  • Outspoken/speaks their mind

Also avoid the people who:

  • Have disclaimers
  • Self-Identify or include inflammatory or provocative statements in their ads
  • Challenge your masculinity or femininity or somehow demand that you prove to them how you are worthy of their attention
  • State upfront that they’re “giving this another try”
  • Tell you how busy they are or how much they work

Weed those people out. When you accept that about 50% of the people on these sites are in no way, shape or form healthy, easy to get along with or available, you’ll be better off. Who cares if they’re attractive? They’re emotional black holes. Avoid. The sooner you embrace what your audience actually is, the easier online dating will become. I’m 43, a size 10 and don’t want children. Guess how limited my options are? So be it. I don’t email anybody that says they want kids, or who state specific opinions/preferences concerning body type/weight, or aren’t interested in dating anybody over 38-40. I don’t reply or message anybody I’m not genuinely excited to speak with or meet.  That means I send fewer emails and get even fewer responses. It also means I have fewer dates.The up side of that? I don’t careen down a shame spiral after a date and I increase my chances of making genuine and lasting connections.

I recently read something about online dating that really put things in perspective.

There are two types of people who do online dating. The people who send messages and the people who receive them.

Everybody wants to be the one who receives messages. Everybody wants to believe that they are in high demand and that they some how stand out. The reality is that very, very few of us actually are or do. There’s that 10%-20% of people who get all the messages. Everybody is emailing them, which is why those people rarely respond. The rest of us? We’re lucky to get 3-5 messages a month, and they’re rarely from anybody that interests us. The Senders are often perceived (incorrectly so) as the ones that nobody wants.

The more messages you send, the higher your lack of response rate will be. That’s just simple math. Getting one reply out of 25 isn’t great. It should be more like 1 reply for every 10-15 messages or so. So the OP is probably messaging women out of his league. You’re smart to respond to those people that email you first. At least you know there’s moderate interest.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t be taking initiative. You should. You just need to be smart about it so as to avoid having your self-esteem take a beating. You know in your gut if someone is probably fielding multiple offers. Don’t contact too many of those people at the same time. Spread the love over a course of many days or weeks.

Pay attention to who views your profile. Contact those people. Many times people will read a profile and come across something that makes them think they would not be a good fit for you. That’s why they don’t respond. Reach out to them.

If you’re using Match, employ the Wink feature. Wink at people you’re interested in meeting. Yes, guys, there’s a good chance that some of those women will be all, “A Wink??? How Lazy!!” Whatever, ladies. You keep counting all those winks you ignore. That should make those lonely nights more tolerable. If the person doesn’t carry any grudges about Winks, and they’re interested, they’ll reply. The Wink feature is good because coming up with a witty or engaging email time and time again can be exhausting. Don’t abuse the feature, but certainly use it. If it didn’t work, then the sites would disable the feature. Ladies, you should be Winking as well. Mix it up a bit. The point of using this feature is to stave off Online Dating Burnout. The more effort you put into a message combined with the fewer responses you get is going to frustrate you. (PS? Hey, @OKCupid? You need a Wink feature.) Also utilize the Favorites feature and make sure to select the option that lets the person knows you added them to your favorites list.

Next, don’t send more than 2 messages per day. Do NOT go on messaging tears and send out several emails in one sitting. For one, you’re going to screw yourself if multiple people respond. You’re going to end up blowing someone off, and that’s not fair to them. For two, it’s a lot easier to digest and accept the few responses you do get if you spread it out over several days.

I know many people prefer to browse profiles anonymously, but you should absolutely make sure that someone you’d like to meet can see if you looked at their ad.

The goal is to get in front as many people as possible and get noticed. You can do that without sending messages. I’m convinced that the lack of replies people get to their intro email is the main contributor to ODB (Online Dating Burnout.)  If you’re not having fun and enjoying the process, you’re doing it wrong.

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45 Responses to “How Come He Can’t Get More Women To Like Him?”

  1. Nathan Says:

    Photos are easy to touch up or present as new, when in fact there are out of date. Furthermore, Match.com has a fairly high number of fake profiles and people who are on for only a few days using the trial period. Many of these profiles are filled with boring, genetic writing, but have hot pics.

    Most of the time, really dull writing is either a sign of what I described above or a sign that someone is actually boring. I don’t think anyone should be expected to be wowed by a dating profile, but if it offers you nothing of interest besides a few hot photos, I’d say “next.”

    The experience you describe is pretty normal. A few short relationships. Several dates. That’s how it tends to go. It’s certainly possible to find a long term partner online, but most of us end up doing a lot of dating and living through online dryspells in the process.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

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    • wishing u well Says:

      I think that getting caught up in the “boringness” of an online profile is a mistake. Please note that not everyone is a good writer. I’ve had countless experiences where a person contacted me with a “boring” profile, but I either talked to them on the phone and / or met them in person – and it’s a totally different scenario. I actually just had a date with someone who was “boring” in their profile, but upon meeting him I found that he was a kind, sweet, intelligent, and engaging person – one who I plan to go out with again. Being able to take your personality and translate it in a written format that is honest, engaging, and witty is a learned skill versus an innate talent. Instead of focusing on what’s boring in the profile – focus on at least one or two things that you like. And if you can identify them, reach out. After all, isn’t creating connections the point of online dating? Shouldn’t the main focus be getting to the initial meet and greet? Putting too much stock in an online profile is a great way to shoot one’s self in the foot

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      • nathan Says:

        I never said anything about people needing to be good writers. I’m talking about profiles that have nothing at all to work with. Ones that just are a short string of cliches with a couple of photos. I have gone on dates many times with women who had profiles which were not all that well written. However, they did offer enough that I could write them with a question or two about something specific. It’s not about the quality of writing; it’s about doing something to differentiate yourself from the hundreds of others out there.

        I often hear women commenting about their irritation with guys who just say “what’s up?” or “how’s it going?” Some men complain about it as well. Yet, if if you can’t write a profile that offers something for a person to talk to you about – your work, hobbies, interests, etc. – then you really can’t complain when all you get are generic responses. It makes all the “treat me special” talk that much more ridiculous.

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        • wishing u well Says:

          Experienced online daters may be more well versed, but some people generally have no clue on what to say or how to go about the process of figuring out what to write about themselves in a profile. Or – they may think that they have already differentiated themselves, while in fact, what they wrote is pretty typical…and boring. This does not mean that in person, they are boring. It’s worth having a positive outlook and stepping out one’s comfort zone a little more to encourage the other party to open up. And if they don’t, oh well, tomorrow’s a new day. Right?

          I would bet that the same men and women who complain about the irritation with “what’s up?” emails are the ones who don’t like the “winks.” Let’s see how that works for them….sometimes you have to push past it to engage the other party and encourage them to open up. That’s what generally tends to work for me, but each his own….

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          • nathan Says:

            You know, in theory, I agree with you. Some of those who write really dull profiles might be wonderful in person. However, unless you’re fine shooting darts in random directions, hoping to hit the bulls-eye, or you have no problem making dating a part time job, then you have to have some sort of criteria to use to limit your options.

            You are also right that experienced online daters are more versed. That’s because if you stick around awhile, and experience enough dates with people who are terrible matches, you learn to do things differently. Which includes offering some specifics for potential dates to engage potential with (and also to help weed out those who are really poor matches).

            While I sometimes have sent e-mails to women with very little in their profiles, it’s really not my job to “encourage” her to open up enough to share a few details about her life with me. The problem with these discussions is that people seem to go from expecting too much to expecting absolutely nothing. I disagree with both extremes.

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        • Andrew Says:

          Nathan, as usual, your posts are insightful and put things in perspective.

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    • Howard Says:

      When I did online dating, I would rather start a conversation with two quality women that I clicked with, than ten so called gorgeous women. Quantity is an illusion that fools everyone online. Women get far more messages than men, but it doesn’t make their online experience any better than men. Be careful what you wish for!

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  2. uesider Says:

    This is a pretty typical online experience- for that matter its pretty typical offline as well. Out of every 15-25 “contacts”, you’re going to get one hit. If you’re getting halfway attractive women to mail you, you’re doing something right. Accept that it is a reality (for both genders) that a good portion of the people aren’t really looking for relationships, they are looking for entertainment and validation.

    One thing that Moxie often says I will take issue with in this case- she says that he is emailing women out of his league- there may be some truth to it. I find more common that the women we email THINK they are out of our league. Of course the difference isn’t too important because impressions are reality and either way they aren’t contacting you or me for that matter.

    Please don’t construe this as focused just on female issues, I’m sure it applies to both genders. I only date women, so this is where my experience lay.

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    • Howard Says:

      Go right ahead and message people a little out of your league. Just know it yields lower results and be willing to live with that. As humans we love to roll the dice. I never understand how we emotionally recover faster from losing money at Vegas that losing out with someone far out of our league.

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      • uesider Says:

        It works both ways, someone who I message who “is out of my league” could actually think I’m “in her league!”

        Out of league, in league, it’s pretty much nonsense anyway. Very subjective. As long as not getting a reply doesn’t bother you (it doesn’t bother me) then why not message everyone that strikes your fancy.

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    • Andrew Says:

      Thank you Moxie for taking the time to provide such a detailed response. I learned something. Great feedback as well. As for whether or not I’m emailing people out of my league, I’m sure some are. Online dating encourages people to swing for the fences. Even guys get winks and emails that make us think “really?” or “did this person even read my profile?” Unfortunately, online dating also attracts clueless daters as well. What I’m coming out of this is that I need to temper some of my expectations and be more consistent when it comes to contacting women…and just have fun with it as well.

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  3. Phoenix Ember Says:

    Surely what this man needs first and foremost is Game. I agree a certain amount of strategy is required on these dating websites (though I would quibble with most of Moxie recommendations—what’s new, right?) but I doubt anything will ever top actual self-improvement in terms of getting results.

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    • Andrew Says:

      I need game..and you base that one what evidence? …Do I have issues to work one? Hell yea…but don’t we all?

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Not assuming you need to work on being more charismatic, but it’s very difficult to do just online. To me, online is just to get to a first meeting, and it’s a numbers game. Your experience is much like mine–and others here. Just don’t let it wear you down. I’ve come to understand that “Game” isn’t a bunch of tricks and tactics, though there is an elements of that, but more self-examination and being aware of interpersonal interactions, and self-improvement. The better “me” I am, the more interesting and confident I’ll be on dates and with women in general. Plus, it just make me happier with being me.

        And, yeah, we all got issues to work on. Good luck!

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  4. joe-f Says:

    You are lucky that women actually contact you. I never get any emails and had to be proactive to get all of my dates.

    I have a secret to tell you. Relationships are boring; the longer you are in them, the more boring it gets. You get greater fulfillment from a boring long term relationship but I don’t think you are ready to see the light yet. Excitement comes from swinging from one short-term relationship to another. Given you mentioned women’s profiles are boring, you may be exactly in the place where you want to be.

    As to how to weed out the bad profiles, do what you can and know you will never catch all the opportunities. I didn’t spend more than 10% of my time on online dating. I contacted a few girls who I was interested in with short messages and knowing I would miss hundreds more was ok with me. I much rather meet women face-to-face.

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  5. Craig Says:

    What’s been happening is that almost all of the women I’ve dated have been women who’ve contacted me. This isn’t a bad thing except that it seems to go in ebbs and flows with long periods of inactivity.

    Well that doesn’t exactly sound like a winning strategy now does it? That’s how women date, not men. In my lifetime I can count on one hand the number of women who contacted me first that I was actually willing to go out with. People need to go get theirs by picking out who they want in order to be happy, so it’s good that the OP is now sending messages.

    What I’ve noticed is that 90-95% of the profiles I comes across are so boring that I can’t even find 1-2 decent questions to ask in order to get a reply back. What I want to know is how does a single guy weed through countless profiles that are almost all exactly alike except for the pictures?

    Who cares how boring the profile is? Most people can’t write for shit, aren’t good at expressing themselves in writing, and many usually come across much better in person. How to weed out certain profiles? Simple, you’re a dude – just look at the pictures and only contact the ones you think are hot like the rest of us. You need not say much more than hello and note one thing you saw in her profile. Sort out the rest about her when you meet in person.

    …I book marked your article about online dating emails, but don’t seem to be getting anywhere (1 response in about 25).

    That response rate is about right. That’s about what mine was – and I’ve got it going on. The OP needs to face facts: you ain’t all that. Most of us aren’t. George Clooney would have a very good response rate online, but you ain’t him. What you are is a 40 year old dude who’s struggling with dating. You are no longer gonna get the same level of chicks you could score at 35 because they mostly don’t want your old ass now. Time to get your expectations in line with your reality and proceed accordingly.

    In closing, I agree with most of Moxie’s advice except two things: First, forget winking. That’s for women. Men who do it stand close to zero chance of a reply. Say what you will about the women who refuse to respond to them, but it’s the reality. I got exactly one response to a wink in nearly a decade online. Second, forget only sending 2 emails a day. That might work for a woman. But if a dude is only getting 1 response out of 25 messages sent, he best be sending out a minimum of 25 messages a week – that’s about a date a week. If too many people respond, cross that bridge when you come to it. There are worse problems to have.

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    • Andrew Says:

      The OP needs to face facts: you ain’t all that. Most of us aren’t. George Clooney would have a very good response rate online, but you ain’t him. What you are is a 40 year old dude who’s struggling with dating. You are no longer gonna get the same level of chicks you could score at 35 because they mostly don’t want your old ass now. Time to get your expectations in line with your reality and proceed accordingly.

      I agree with points 1,3, & 4 but you really jumped to a couple of conclusions on this one. For starters, I never claimed to be all that, I just wanted some advice on how to be more proactive with online dating. As you can see, I’ve been way to reactive and ….I’m still single. Secondly, it sounds like you’re assuming I’m hitting on all of the 25 year-olds. I’m sure I’ve emailed women out of my league, but at the same time, I pay every close attention to what the woman’s age range is. The bottom line is that as stated, I need to send more emails on a consistent basis.

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      • Howard Says:

        Actually if George Clooney got online and used a grainy photo where he won’t be recognized, he would get typical low responses too. Women are so inundated with the bullshit guys throw at them, that they miss the quality guys that they are after, all the time. Level headed successful guys generally hate putting their stuff out there too. I suppose it’s a pride thing about not wanting to get with a woman who is more interested in success than a man’s true nature. If he said in his profile. “I’m a decently successful actor that really enjoys what he does.” Women would assume he is just another dreamer.

        Then there is the catch22 situation. If you really start putting your stuff out there, you will be accused of being boastful. And even if you do a really good profile, you will be discounted like all the other guys online.

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  6. LostSailor Says:

    I mostly agree with what Moxie said, but Craig is also right in that you need to be sending out more messages.

    But most important, don’t take it personally. There are hundreds of reasons why a woman doesn’t respond. If you’ve been careful with your profile and pics, and have decent social skills, it’s probably not about you anyway. It’s not that these women don’t “like” you, they don’t know you; if they’re getting a lot of emails, the “shopping” mentality takes over. Don’t take it personally. Just move on.

    I’ve also noticed that response rates tend to run in cycles. Over the last several years, I’ve gotten much better response rates and more dates early in the year, just after the holidays, with the rates dropping in late February after Valentine’s Day. There’s usually a small uptick in late spring/early summer, and then another uptick in the early fall.

    There was also a comment in an earlier post (last week?) where the commenter said her ex-husband went on hundreds of dates before he found a long-term relationship. Sucks, we all know. But it’s the reality you gotta face. If you can accept that truth, it makes it easier to keep running the process.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I’ve also noticed that response rates tend to run in cycles. Over the last several years, I’ve gotten much better response rates and more dates early in the year, just after the holidays, with the rates dropping in late February after Valentine’s Day. There’s usually a small uptick in late spring/early summer, and then another uptick in the early fall.

      Absolutely. My friend M. said the same exact thing to me. That’s his experience as well.

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      • LostSailor Says:

        It makes sense if you think about it.

        Jan-Feb: a period where a woman has just finished the holidays without that someone special and anticipating the need to find someone special prior to Valentines. After that, she’s either dating someone or has gotten discouraged.

        Late spring/early summer: Looking for that summer boyfriend to go to barbecues with. And, if she found someone to date in the early part of the year, it may be over after two to three months.

        Early Fall: that summertime romance didn’t work out and she wants to find that special someone for the upcoming holiday season–holiday parties are more fun with two.

        I actually pull back online dating, if not ignore it completely, after Thanksgiving, so I don’t know if there’s a desperate search for a holiday companion after that.

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        • Andrew Says:

          I’ve noticed similar patterns as well. Especially after the New Year and in the late summer/early fall. 100% true about after Thanksgiving as well. Not to toot my own horn (maybe a little), After a disastrous fall (a dateless October, two awful one and done dates in November), the next month was a dating wasteland. After Christmas, things took off for me( far and away the best run I’ve had since going online 2 1/2 years ago) and didn’t cool down until recently. In the past when I heard the crickets, I did nothing, now my attitude’s changed.

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      • M Says:

        Im not the M Moxie’s talking about, but I’ve noticed the same thing. So that’s 3 of us now.

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  7. India Says:

    I did the whole match.com thing for about six month in 2010 and ironically met a great guy the old fahioned way (note to the op: do not become exclusively dependent on online for meeting people). With the first week of my match experience, I received tons of winks and form letter emails (ie “what’s up hottie?”). I am no Angelina Jolie but this is just the typical experience of women. The only ones I responded to were the emails that seemed to have taken some real interest in my profile. It could be as boring as “what is it like growing up in dallas?” but at least I knew the guy is not robo-emailin myself and 300 other women. I agree that 1 out of 20 is probably the norm and the op should not take it personally. Women may have their reasons for not responding that’s independent of you.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      (note to the op: do not become exclusively dependent on online for meeting people).

      This.

      Online dating sites should be a supplement to meeting women offline. You should be talking to women IRL as often as possible. I don’t mean necessarily always with the intent of picking them up. “Day Game” should become a natural part of who you are. I make it a point of striking up a conversation, no matter how brief, waiting in line at the coffee shop, at the bus stop, in the supermarket, etc. as often as possible. Mundane comments work fine. At the very least it’s good practice and eventually friendly chatting up women becomes a natural habit.

      And you should be using your “great group of friends” more. Hoboken is a hoppin’ place, so I’m sure your friends might point you in the right direction. I look at dating much like looking for a job: you send out hundreds of resumes out into a black-hole void, rarely getting responses or feedback, and an occasional interview, so you have to work to keep up your enthusiasm for the task. But you can’t rely on that alone, you have to develop and use networking in real life, since that’s where most of the jobs will come from.

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  8. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    but at least I knew the guy is not robo-emailin myself and 300 other women.

    Except he was. This is another one of those false beliefs under which women function. “Oh, he mentioned my love of tea bagging. He must genuinely like me!” No, he did it because he knows you expect him to do that and because he wants to get a date and./or just get laid.

    He probably skimmed your profile looking for something, anything, he could use to “prove” he read your profile.

    Just another lie women like to tell themselves so they can feel special.

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    • India Says:

      Perhaps true. In the end of the day, I found online a frustrating process. had turned my attention and time back to meeting people in the real world (and happy today that I did.)

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    • The Private Man Says:

      Given the brevity and sameness of the words in the profiles, skimming counts as a serious read.

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  9. The Private Man Says:

    I disagree with Moxie on two points

    One –

    Men should send out batches of messages, not just onesies and twosies. The reason is the huge flake factor. If you send out 20 messages and get five responses, three of those women responding will certainly flake during the online correspondence (poof!) or before the date.

    Two –

    I do not recommend men do any “winking”, “favoriting”, or “Let’s Meet” (PoF).

    If she hasn’t already viewed your profile, her first contact with you should be a message. If you wink, favorite, or let’s meet and passively wait for her to maybe respond, you’ll be waiting a long time. It’s the man who mostly makes the first move online and anything less than an actual message appears passive, almost weak.

    The title of the message is crucial and so is the primary photo that appears as a thumbnail next to your message. You need a good head shot photo. A woman who receives even a modest number of messages is scanning titles and thumbnail photos to determine which one she will open or which profile she will check.

    If you want to keep track of who you are messaging, use a spreadsheet because you will likely be sending out many messages and it’s very easy to lose track. Oh, just don’t email that spreadsheet to anyone.

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  10. Saywhat! Says:

    The biggest problem I’ve seen with people and online dating is the rejection expectations they set in their mind going into it. Not so much about what to say or not to say in an email. if you teeter on the edge of impatient with it, most likely your perceptions of most women, wheter reading or sending emails is going to be off and most likely the other person will notice it.

    So, don’t take it that seriously. While we all want to meet someone sometimes we have to take one step back to take two steps forward. Keep most conversations lite. Most likely if someone emails you or vise versa they only think your cute and maybe want to see where things go. Sometimes you feel like a jerk trying different methods for a response. This is understandable but there is no proven science that says any one method works. It’s trial and error. So, maybe send a one line email., another time skip the small talk and just ask to meet up. Everyone has their pre conceived notions already going into it. That’s the tricky part. So just know your actions can’t really control the actions of others. A lot of it is timing and when the time is right it will work out.

    good luck.

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  11. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Sending out 25 messages and getting only 1 is typical.

    The amount of ‘I’m real close to my family, I have a lot of good friends I like to travel’ profiles are fairly common, and yes, they can get boring and you could be burnt out fairly quickly. But like a few posters have mentioned, not a lot of people are good writers, and maybe ‘boring’ isn’t such a bad thing.

    The ‘winking’ feature is for women who don’t have the ‘stones’ to write an email. It isn’t for men. If the woman can’t bring herself to respond to an email, she certainly won’t respond to a wink.

    At this point I just send a generic email out to any women open to dating a black male over 40 who seems somewhat interesting. Men don’t have the luxury of sitting back. If we have to firebomb a bunch of women online and hope that we ‘catch somebody slippin’ so be it.

    I am however highly amused by the huge number if Boston women whose profiles make it seem that they kayak, white water raft, ski, and jump out of airplanes on a weekly basis. Are you looking for an activity partner or a date? Please. You went whitewater rafting once, and you’d like to do it again. You’d just like to find a boyfriend first.

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    • uesider Says:

      I agree- all these pictures of exotic places, doing extreme sports, skiing, it gets boring after a while. Speaking only for myself, I don’t give a damn where you’ve been and what you did when you were there. I’m not looking for a world traveler to be my partner. I guess not many other guys are either because there seems to be a large proportion of women online who mention it.

      Large proportion seem to be teachers. I’d travel more if I had 2 months vacation every year too.

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  12. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Here’s what I do that seems to work. I don’t “cold call.” That means I don’t email women who have not indicated some interest in me whether by viewing my profile, winking, favoriting, whatever.

    I do “openly” view women who I may be interested in. If they’re interested, I assume they will view me back or email (or whatever) and then, and only then, will I send an email. And my email will be something to the effect of “hi, I like your profile” without much more.

    The prinicple behind this strategy is that you don’t get to decide who likes you, as much as you would like to. Sifting through countless profiles and selecting only those you like for whatever reason is an incredible waste of time since there’s no basis to believe they will return your interest. Target your efforts towards those who are more likely to return, ie those who have demonstrated interest. There’s no guesswork.

    For men, I would not recommend winking as a means to get noticed. Just view their profile. I definitely recommend winking for women though. Its really no different than the dance people do in real life.

    People are in different leagues so there’s no guarantee that my strategy will bag you a hot babe. But, for myself, I find my dates from online to be at or above my league which I’m very happy with. They all “chose me” in some way.

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  13. Jeff Says:

    Reading all ofyour replies this is why I prefer real life.

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  14. Mike Says:

    Online dating is a total waste of time. Go to charity events. Go out with your friends. Take dance lessons. Professionally network. Join a meetup group for the ACTIVITY, not one of these “single’s” meetup groups. Make more same sex friends. Be social, fun, and chatty. Look to add value to people’s lives. Get off your @$$ and meet people face to face and in person.

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    • India Says:

      I also think online dating perpectuates most people’s prejudices or what they think they deserve. People only search for or respond to their set expectations: ” thin white female in her 20′s” or “white collar man between the age of 35 and 39″. In real life, many people fall in love against their types. The filters available makes existing “types” more entrenched. I do not know about the op’s precise situation, but I wonder if the same women who filter you out online due to some superficial prejudice (ie you are under 6 food tall) may very well respond to you in real life when they see the whole person/package.

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      • Andrew Says:

        What Mike and yourself are saying may be true to some cases, but I think I speak for many when I say that there’s a lot of us out there who as we get older, find that it’s not as easy to meet women by “traditional” means and have found online dating to be a viable alternative to the bars, meeting through friends, etc. I would much prefer to meet someone from the methods you both mentioned but the reality is that online dating is a socially acceptable and useful tool.

        You’re 100% spot on about expectations people set online. Often they’re ridiculous. I’ve doing my best not to fall into those traps.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “Online dating is a total waste of time.”

      To me, this is an odd criticism. Those alternatives you suggest in fact require an enormous investment of time and/or money with no particular guarantee of results. Online dating, in contrast, is incredibly efficient. Very little investment required with endless possibilities to meet new people.

      You don’t need to give up online dating, you just need to use it properly. Don’t spend inordinate amounts of time chasing random people who you have no basis to believe would be interested in you other than you like their profile. THAT’S the problem. People think it’s Amazon.com for dating – where you can browse and select the one that pleases you, and add to your shopping cart. It’s not. And, it”s not a numbers game either. Forget that advice – that’s the time waster. It’s a market – a very effiiceint buyer’smarket, but unfortunately? You’re the seller. THEY get to select you. Focus on those that do, and you will waste very little time.

      If you want to take advice about online dating, don’t take it from people who think it’s a waste of time or find it less than useful. There’s a reason. Take advice from people who are happy with it. I’ll leave it to you to figure out who that is.

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      • Mike Says:

        I go out not necessarily with the intent on meeting a woman but I go out and engage in activities I genuinely enjoy. As a by product of that I meet high quality woman (and also men that I have become friends with). When I first got divorced I did online dating and while I did meet women “closed the deal” on plenty of them, I found that I got a much greater return on my investment just by going out and engaging in activities that I like to do. See, where you are wrong is in your belief that there is a virtue endlessly meeting women. If you are a woman it is a great deal. But for the man who plans and pays it turns you into someone else’s entertainment committee. For me, I’ll stick to the good old fashioned in person meet. At an event, game, out with friends, at the supermarket, getting gas, wherever. If a woman catches my eye all it takes is “hello, I love your (pocketbook) (sense of style) (shoes) (car) (whatever). My name is Mike…” And that’s it folks – simple and efficient. Just act like a man!

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Your scattershot, “bull-in-a-china-shop” approach is exactly why, I think, you find online dating difficult or wasteful. Frankly, I’m skeptical that the scattershot works so well in real life either. I see men chatting women up on supermarket lines all the time and the women, frankly, don’t always look so pleased about it. Yes, I know, you’re having a blast making friends anyway and rejection is part of life and blah blah blah. My point was, if your dating efforts are focused and targeted to those who are interested in you, rather than random and self-focused, you will be successful whatever the medium. Online dating just gives you a leg up in that you can get tangible indicators of another’s interest online (e,g, winking, viewing) that you don’t always (or often) get in real life.

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          • Mike Says:

            Online dating gives you no “leg up,” because attraction is not built on like interests – if that were the case all that would be happening at political conventions would be sex. You claim my method is “scattershot, bull in a china shop…” but you could not be more wrong. When I meet someone in person I can tell IMMEDIATELY if I am interested in them and if they are interested in me. And about women “not looking pleased” about men chatting it up in every day situations, yes that is true but many woman who are single and looking are happy and relieved to be hit on. And the more beautiful they are the more happy they are that a man has approached them because as we all know men don’t approach in person beautiful women, and when they do it’s with a jaw dropping “you have such beautiful eyes…” as if they have not heard that 1,000 times over. The bottom line is that if you see a woman you think you’d like to get to know you don’t know what their status is until you open, and if they engage you in a dialog then you continue – if they give you 1 word answers you stop and move along to the next. I don’t know Mr. DrivingMeNutes, but maybe it is just me – I am an outgoing, fun, handsome, clean and well groomed, interesting and engaging man. I don’t go out with the intention on meeting women but I really never have problems meeting women. I think though in the end online dating helps men like me, because it keeps all the thousands upon thousands of loser men glued to their computers and merely thinking that they are meeting women, when in actuality it is preventing them from developing game and social skills. This significantly lessens my competition out there. So stay online, every man that reads this.

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  15. mari Says:

    Someone told me if you change your profile a bit (rewrite a sentence, add a different picture etc) that this puts you back up on the list when people do searches..think this is true. Last time I did online dating I changed my profile every week or so (very minor) and this seemed to increase my response rate..never did find out if it was a fluke or real – also, totally believe the seasonality thing..find I do it myself.

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    • Andrew Says:

      It does work. I do this regularly. I mentioned in another post that I had a helluva run from late December through late April and one of the reasons was that I employed said methods. The reason I wrote moxie Is I’ve hit one of those all to familiar down periods, started being more proactive, but wasn’t getting anywhere. to put it simply, I was out of answers and needed advice. From what I’ve read, there’s been a lot of useful tips provided by the readers of this blog.

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  16. offensivedan Says:

    OP, your issues are not unusual. It’s just onlien dating and the culture in this cournty.

    Man, online dating is what it is. Most women online are either crazy, socially inept or unavailable emotionally. You can be Prince Charming and Mr. Darcy and you still will run onto the same difficulties. Plus, most women sate a lot of guys which means the odds are against you. I find online dating is best for hooking up, getting a grope, here and there, or just having a good time with a stranger for a few hours. If you are looking for a relationship with a chick I would not suggest online dating.

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