Why Ask Why? If They’re Not Interested, They’re Not Interested

Name: Marcie
State: NY
Question:  Why do some men look at a woman’s profile multiple times but not contact them? I’ve noticed that several of the men I contact on Match and Okcupid will view my profile a couple of times but not message me back. Why do they do that?
Age: 37

 

 

Well, there are probably a number of reasons for that. Such as:

 

1. When they initially get your message they are in a rush so they take  a quick  look and then return to the profile later when they have more time.

2. They accidentally click on your thumbnail photo in their inbox, which then takes them to your profile.

3. They’re really picky and on the fence about whether or not to reply.

4. They’re intimidated somehow or feel unsure if whether you and they are a match.

The actual reason doesn’t matter. The question isn’t why aren’t they interested. They question is why do you care?

The unfortunate truth is that not everybody on those sites is there to meet people. The trick is learning how to spot them so you don’t get burnt out. Most people tell you exactly who they are and what they want, even without realizing it. You have to learn how to listen.

I can remember noticing one guy frequently appearing on my Visitors list. He would view my profile every few weeks for a couple months. His profile made him seem affable and funny and seeking a relationship.  I finally emailed him and tried to start a conversation. By the second email he was asking me to meet that night. I said no and wished him luck. My profile is pretty “relationship only” in its tone. I think that was why he never contacted me. I wasn’t looking for what he was looking for so he didn’t waste his time. He knew his audience.

The more curious ones are the people you don’t contact or view who peek at your profile over and over again but never email you. I get a bit squeamish wondering just what they’re doing. Maybe they’re working up the nerve to reach out. Maybe they’re masturbating. Who knows? What you know is that these people are not contacting you for some reason. Therefore they shouldn’t take up any of your mental disk space.

Which brings me to my next point. Let’s talk about this need many of us have to focus on the people who don’t want us or refuse to let go of someone who showed moderate interest.

I got an email a few weeks ago from a woman who attended one of our speeddating events. She didn’t get any matches. She followed up with us and asked us to check and see if her matches were correct. If they were, she wanted to know if any of the men mentioned why they didn’t choose her. I said we had no feedback from the men and had no concrete explanations. She asked me for my opinion. Having never met her, I didn’t know the reason. Though I did have a possible answer. I looked her up in our event database to try and get more info. My suspicions were correct. She was in the higher end of the age range for that event. Literally the maximum age that could attend. I knew that was a big reason why she didn’t get any replies. But I didn’t tell her that. I comped her into another event I felt was more appropriate for her age range. If she had a better understanding of her audience, she wouldn’t have attended that event in the first place. Now she’s propelling down the shame spiral unnecessarily. If she goes to the next older age range she’ll probably be the Belle of The Ball. Isn’t that better than wasting a sunny afternoon thinking that nobody wants you?

I sometimes get emails from people who say that someone they met at a speeddating event never replied to their message or stopped replying mid-conversation. I’m often asked to follow up with these people to make sure they knew that someone had tried to contact them. These people want to know why the person ceased replying.

Obviously, I have no first hand knowledge of any of these people. I can’t give a definitive answer as to why they don’t reply. All I know is that they didn’t. That’s enough. Why were you that one person the Often Replier didn’t respond to?  Who says you actually are? You have no idea how or why that title was even assigned to their profile. Maybe it’s a wonky algorithem. Maybe they only get 2 emails a week and happen to have replied to all of those people and they’ve only been on the site a month. Why knows?

Why did that person from the speeddating event not follow up with you? Because they probably heard from their first choice. And you can be sure there was a first choice. Or maybe they use outdated email platforms that block and filter everything. (No, seriously. Ditch that AOL, Hotmail, Juno and Yahoo address and get on Gmail, stat. I’m telling you that you’re not getting most of your messages.) It could be that someone contacted them first and they didn’t want to juggle. The reasons don’t matter. All you need to know is that they aren’t interested. If they were, they’d go out with you.

To date successfully, you have to learn to shrug off the people who don’t return the interest. These kind of Faders and Peekers are now typical and common behavior. You can’t get all caught up in trying to solve some non-mystery. You end up wasting valuable energy and time.

 

 

 

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14 Responses to “Why Ask Why? If They’re Not Interested, They’re Not Interested”

  1. GoodHelper Says:

    The most simplest explanation would be that they just aren’t interested and don’t bother replying back. They might feel it is easier to reject you (or anyone else for that matter) without hurting your feelings if they don’t communicate back. One thing I do want to point out is that guys who view your profile multiple times who don’t message you don’t know what to write because your profile is bare.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

    • Andrew Says:

      This definitely plays into it. Of course, there could
      Be other reasons but, I’ve list count of how many
      this has happened to me. Sometimes having one
      or two specific pieces of information is enough.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Brad Says:

      “One thing I do want to point out is that guys who view your profile multiple times who don’t message you don’t know what to write because your profile is bare.” – FTW

      I viewed a girl on match just this morning. Out of order, and changing the phrasing a little (to protect her privacy), here are her interests:
      smiling
      laughing
      conversations

      Next, the self-description:
      warm
      positive
      bubbly

      Interests? Here you go, next sentence:
      working out
      friends
      restaurants
      dancing
      museums
      anything outdoors

      Next, of course, is the token ‘i can go out, but I’m happy… blah, blah. You can guess the 2nd half of the sentence.

      Final sentence, who she is looking for:
      Funny
      goal oriented
      well-rounded
      sincere

      The only real specifics? She wants a guy 5 inches taller who makes $150k+.

      I’m not emailing her because I have no idea what to say. Except for being pretty, this is generic girl 101.

      That, and I know she isn’t the type of person who takes advantage of an open door. Online dating gives you the amazing opportunity of starting a conversation with *exactly* what you want them to ask.

      Profile writing tip for both genders – decide what you want them to write, figure out what would lead them to write it, and put it in your profile.

      “I love last-minute travel. For my most recent trip all I packed was a 10lb carry-on”.
      “Knock-knock jokes are my favorite”.

      Or, hit them over the head:
      “One of my pictures is me an my best friend, the other is me and my sister. Can you guess which?”

      If making people jump thru hoops is your thing:
      ‘Post a picture of your living room and I’ll tell you the changes you should make’

      If you just want to increase volume and lower quality:
      ‘Tell me your favorite synonyms for breasts’.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • LostSailor Says:

        There is only one possible reply to that type of profile:

        “Hi. I’m a funny, goal-oriented, well-rounded, sincere guy who is looking for a warm, positive woman who is into smiling, restaurants, and friends! Want to meet up for some laughing and conversation?”

        I’ve actually gotten some responses and dates out of a message featuring the most mundane and trite parts of her profile (not a lot, mind you, but some). Usually the response is “LOL, yeah, I know the profile is lame, but I just didn’t know what to say…” and off we go.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  2. Christina Says:

    Trying to guess about this is just crazy-making. I just always figured I wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and I made my profile intentionally nerdy, so I’m sure some guys liked the thumbnail pic and then were turned off by something they read. Just as I often clicked on an appealing picture, only to find out that his profile was virtually empty, he was on an angry rant about his ex, or he was really into sports and beer, which I’m not. At that stage, it’s really not personal. Looking at a profile, or a brief introduction at a speed-dating event is meant to be an opportunity to pre-screen, not to jump on the first likely-looking person.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

    • Badger Says:

      “I just always figured I wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and I made my profile intentionally nerdy”

      That’s a great way to approach it, because unless a woman is a 10, she isn’t everybody’s cup of tea (and even then lots of guys will not be interested) so she needs to hit hard in the target demographic of guys who will react to her. Same goes for guys, except we’re starting at a lower level of attraction “coverage.”

      There definitely is something to the idea that someone is interested in you but can’t find a hook. Happened to me a bunch of times, I spend ten minutes trying to think of something that she’ll respond to and can’t do it, so I move on and try again later in the week, fail again and decide to bag the whole thing.

      It does shock me to see attractive women with interesting photos, but 500-word profiles that don’t contain a single unique fact or statement I could use to start a distinctive conversation (as per the example above). I suspect lots of young women don’t have the foggiest notion of what might be interesting to guys – we do know that men suffer this same issue.

      Men or women making an online dating profile need to think in terms of the 80-20 rule – you’re going to get 80% of your attention from 20% of the candidates, or less. You need to market yourself as a great catch to those 20% who are already likely to be interested, so that you can maximize their interest. Aside from generic profiles from women who don’t have anything to say about themselves at all, lots of profiles are generic because women try to market themselves to all the guys at once. I think they’re deathly afraid that if they leave out the part about “I also like to stay in a watch a movie” they’ll lose their chance at a message from that hot, powerful guy who is just looking for someone to watch movies with on the couch. So they make the Chicago deep-dish pizza of profiles, takes a long time to digest and you don’t have the energy to do anything once you get through it.

      For example, I’m an intellectual guy, it makes no sense for me to try to compete with the fratty bros that sorority-girl types will be looking for – I come up short in comparison, AND it takes away from boosting my value among the shyer, brainier girls I want to date. This time around online, I fashioned a high-energy and rather quirky profile that has yielded very good results with a limited number of women. I’m not an online dating master, but this works for me, because I don’t have to be attractive to all the girls on the site, just a few I can date and choose from per season of the year.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  3. The Private Man Says:

    “They’re intimidated”

    Uh, no.

    We’re put off. Bossy and domineering are a woman’s two worst characteristics. Such women get the ol’ hump and dump. Afterwards, the guy chuckles and laughs not because he was intimidated, because he got what he wanted and he will never speak with that woman again.

    “Where are all the good men?!” Snort, chuckle, guffaw. They are put off by bossy and domineering dames.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 14

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Uh, no.

      Uh, yeah. Like when someone goes on and on about their gym habits or their education or their obscure interests. People read stuff like that and think they won’t be a good fit for the person.

      We’re put off. Bossy and domineering are a woman’s two worst characteristics.

      Yes, we know. This wasn’t a post about whether or not men found assertive women intimidating. This was a post about why someone views a person’s profile multiple times without contact.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Au contraire, Mystery. A “good man” is just the kind to be captured by such women.

      It’s the “bad boys” who have no use for em.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  4. LostSailor Says:

    Well, some men might be intimidated, but you’ll never know. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter. But I think the whole “men are intimidated and just can’t handle a strong, independent woman” meme is a bit long in the tooth. Are there guys like this? Sure. But a woman who stresses being strong and independent is a turn off, as Private Man mentioned above. We don’t think we’ll be a good fit for such women because, why go through all the hassle. I deal just fine with strong, independent women all the time, but unless there are other mitigating characteristics, if a woman has to go out of her way to stress these traits, it just seems like too much bother.

    But…to the point at hand. 1-3 are more likely. Here are some variations on those:

    If you’re viewing a lot of profiles, you also can forget which ones you’ve viewed before. Did I read that one? Click on the thumbnail…oh, yeah, she’s the one that _______ and _______. Never mind. (I now block these)

    I also tend to save a lot of profiles to the favorites list (without the notification) to deal with later. It’s not that I’m overly picky necessarily, though there may be an element of that, but I may have other conversations/interactions going and I don’t want to start a new one at that moment, but the profile looks interesting and I don’t want to lose it for future consideration. (By the same token, I’ve taken Moxie’s advice and block the profiles of woman who have not responded to a message; I don’t want them popping up in matches or searches, not because I don’t like them, but they’ve showed no interest; move on).

    That said, this is precisely the reason that I sprung for the extra bucks on OKC to browse anonymously. It automatically blocks notification of saving to favorites and allows me to control who sees I’ve visited. Sometimes I don’t message, just let them know I’ve viewed their profile. The one thing I’m quite careful of doing is letting them see I’ve visited the profile before sending a message.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Seems to me that letting it all show is a good filter. If she’s the kind that reads meaning into every little thing, you’re probably better off with a rejection.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  5. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    There’s men that have written and asked Moxie and other Dating Gurus the same thing probably:

    “Why do some women look at a man’s profile multiple times but not contact them? I’ve noticed that several of the women I contact on Match and Okcupid will view my profile a couple of times but not message me back. Why do they do that?

    Works both ways sweetie. Without seeing your profile and your profile pics, it’s safe to assume they’re not interested. Just disregard their disinterest and keep movin’.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  6. John Says:

    I think people view someone else’s profile, see what their interests are, and if it isnt shared, then they just move on. I find that frustrating. If I go to the gym 3x a week for 1 hour each time and just leave it at that (no more gym references after that), it seems as though women who arent into working out get turned off by that. Why is that so?

    Part of the fun of dating someone new is being exposed to their interests. My ex was a competitive swimmer. I hate the water and can barely tread water. But if I saw her profile online, I wouldn’t pass her by because she was great at swimming and I sucked. In fact, I loved to watch her swim from the stands during meets and enjoyed keeping her time during practice. So while I didnt swim with her, I still participated in something that was important in her life.

    I think the problem is people feel that they need to have similar interests in too many things in order to send them a message. If I lifted weights, I I wouldn’t care if the girl was not into the gym. But she could make herself a part of it in small ways such as making me a protein shake after I came back. There are many ways to be a part of someones interests without actually participating in the activity. I think sometimes people forget that and bypass a potential date becauae they are afraid they wouldnt be welcome in that person’s world without that commonality.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  7. Valerie Says:

    Thank you for posting this!!! This is a great topic and women need to get their big girl panties on and just get out there and have fun and stop haboring on men and situations that just aren’t worth the time. I’ve sometimes wondered here and there why things didn’t go as I thought and that’s natural. Obsessing over it is just unhealthy….

    So thanks for ur insight and hopefully the ladies out there can spread the enlightenment.

    ~Valerie

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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