Why Ask Why? If They’re Not Interested, They’re Not Interested

Name: Marcie
State: NY
Question:  Why do some men look at a woman’s profile multiple times but not contact them? I’ve noticed that several of the men I contact on Match and Okcupid will view my profile a couple of times but not message me back. Why do they do that?
Age: 37



Well, there are probably a number of reasons for that. Such as:


1. When they initially get your message they are in a rush so they take  a quick  look and then return to the profile later when they have more time.

2. They accidentally click on your thumbnail photo in their inbox, which then takes them to your profile.

3. They’re really picky and on the fence about whether or not to reply.

4. They’re intimidated somehow or feel unsure if whether you and they are a match.

The actual reason doesn’t matter. The question isn’t why aren’t they interested. They question is why do you care?

The unfortunate truth is that not everybody on those sites is there to meet people. The trick is learning how to spot them so you don’t get burnt out. Most people tell you exactly who they are and what they want, even without realizing it. You have to learn how to listen.

I can remember noticing one guy frequently appearing on my Visitors list. He would view my profile every few weeks for a couple months. His profile made him seem affable and funny and seeking a relationship.  I finally emailed him and tried to start a conversation. By the second email he was asking me to meet that night. I said no and wished him luck. My profile is pretty “relationship only” in its tone. I think that was why he never contacted me. I wasn’t looking for what he was looking for so he didn’t waste his time. He knew his audience.

The more curious ones are the people you don’t contact or view who peek at your profile over and over again but never email you. I get a bit squeamish wondering just what they’re doing. Maybe they’re working up the nerve to reach out. Maybe they’re masturbating. Who knows? What you know is that these people are not contacting you for some reason. Therefore they shouldn’t take up any of your mental disk space.

Which brings me to my next point. Let’s talk about this need many of us have to focus on the people who don’t want us or refuse to let go of someone who showed moderate interest.

I got an email a few weeks ago from a woman who attended one of our speeddating events. She didn’t get any matches. She followed up with us and asked us to check and see if her matches were correct. If they were, she wanted to know if any of the men mentioned why they didn’t choose her. I said we had no feedback from the men and had no concrete explanations. She asked me for my opinion. Having never met her, I didn’t know the reason. Though I did have a possible answer. I looked her up in our event database to try and get more info. My suspicions were correct. She was in the higher end of the age range for that event. Literally the maximum age that could attend. I knew that was a big reason why she didn’t get any replies. But I didn’t tell her that. I comped her into another event I felt was more appropriate for her age range. If she had a better understanding of her audience, she wouldn’t have attended that event in the first place. Now she’s propelling down the shame spiral unnecessarily. If she goes to the next older age range she’ll probably be the Belle of The Ball. Isn’t that better than wasting a sunny afternoon thinking that nobody wants you?

I sometimes get emails from people who say that someone they met at a speeddating event never replied to their message or stopped replying mid-conversation. I’m often asked to follow up with these people to make sure they knew that someone had tried to contact them. These people want to know why the person ceased replying.

Obviously, I have no first hand knowledge of any of these people. I can’t give a definitive answer as to why they don’t reply. All I know is that they didn’t. That’s enough. Why were you that one person the Often Replier didn’t respond to?  Who says you actually are? You have no idea how or why that title was even assigned to their profile. Maybe it’s a wonky algorithem. Maybe they only get 2 emails a week and happen to have replied to all of those people and they’ve only been on the site a month. Why knows?

Why did that person from the speeddating event not follow up with you? Because they probably heard from their first choice. And you can be sure there was a first choice. Or maybe they use outdated email platforms that block and filter everything. (No, seriously. Ditch that AOL, Hotmail, Juno and Yahoo address and get on Gmail, stat. I’m telling you that you’re not getting most of your messages.) It could be that someone contacted them first and they didn’t want to juggle. The reasons don’t matter. All you need to know is that they aren’t interested. If they were, they’d go out with you.

To date successfully, you have to learn to shrug off the people who don’t return the interest. These kind of Faders and Peekers are now typical and common behavior. You can’t get all caught up in trying to solve some non-mystery. You end up wasting valuable energy and time.




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