My Inner Fat Girl

Originally posted Jan 24th, 2010 – 34 Comments

New Response written May 15th, 2012

Name: lost |  Location: Vancouver , Washington |Question: Dear Moxie,

I am chronically single.  I’m a 30 year old female and I live a simple life.  i’m not complicated when it comes to likes and dislikes, i’m not into games, I have never even been given a gift by a man, ever, so clearly I’m no gold digger.  I have had 2 boyfriends and only one was serious about me and this was 10 years ago.  He cheated on me and no man has ever been faithful to me or kept me around long enough to find out if I’m worth keeping.

I am beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me.  I am overweight but not crazy and I recently lost 10 pounds.  Due to some health issues my weight has always fluctuated and I am not sure I can ever be skinny. But I can do all my best to be the healthiest best me I can be.

I recently had a man show serious interest in me or so I thought.  I wound up staying the night with him and I’m sure that was a huge mistake.  I saw him on a dating site after not hearing back from him, and he even told me how much he liked me.

I felt all my old wounds open back up again after this experience.  I believe I am pretty or at least cute.  I realize I’m overweight but I am proportionate and carry myself with pride.  I have a pleasant personality and many wonderful friends who find me to be funny and warm hearted.  I know I am not perfect but I’m not looking for someone perfect either.

I just wonder why I am unable to attract anyone at all.  I smile and laugh, I don’t party or get involved in drama, I try to further my life despite setbacks and hurdles.  I think I have a positive, optimistic outlook.  I spent quite a few younger years being depressed and for several years have been taking good care of being my own best friend.  I decided I would not let my life be so sad and I took control to make it better.

I have been stood up far more than my fair share of times so it can’t be that once in a while I make a poor choice and sleep with someone too soon, since sometimes I’m not even given a first date.  I have also been what I consider mildly abused.  I say mildly because I was never in any danger and I was never really harmed.  It was just not ok behavior from men but I’m only now seeing this.

I have been in councelling and learned a lot.  But I have yet to figure out why it is men treat me so poorly or wont even look my way.  Before this recent encounter (and I did like him very much), I had not been searching for anyone, I took myself off the market because I considered myself so undateable that the chances of getting hurt again were so high, I didn’t think I could go through being hurt again.  I’ve lived almost as if I don’t care at all about guys, never even flirting.  Now that I realize I’m no nun and this has been torture, I want to know why other women seem to have fun flirting, dating, meeting guys and eventually falling in love and I can’t even find someone to treat me like I’m human.

Why do I have such awesome family and friends who love me deeply, and I can make friends at the drop of a hat and always could, but I cannot for the life of me attract anyone even long enough to flirt, let alone date or marry?  I’m typically not even thinking poor me, I usually think, what can I do to change this?  What can I do to make life better?  What do I need to do to achieve my goals and dreams?  And then I go do those things!  But seeing this most recent man online looking for a long term relationship, when I was seriously interested and he said he liked me, now nothing, makes me believe the worst about myself.

Why am I so undateable? Is weight really that important when I take care of myself, I am clean, I am thoughtful, I dress the best I can afford? I have a big heart and would really take care of a man.  What gives?  Why am I stood up so much and why am  I left so quickly? I don’t even get clingy because I know that it drives men away, so I’m even aware and steer clear of that! Honestly are looks THAT important that a simple girl can’t date just because I don’t look like a magazine model? Is weight so important that I am undateable until I reach my goal weight? Should I give up on dating altogether unless I can weigh 125 pounds???|Age: 30

 

The other day, I linked to a story written by a woman who had been blown off by a guy. Apparently he was intimidated by her size. Despite his obvious assholeishness, the woman told herself that she and he could be friends. Fast forward a couple of days and she and the guy are texting and he asks her what she’s doing that day. She says she hadn’t even taken a shower yet, so she didn’t know. Which then in turn inspired this jackass to say that now he was fantasizing about her in the shower. If that weren’t bad enough, he then went on to tell her that he believed that if they had sex, she would probably make his penis look small.

That story made me dig through my the archives to find  this old post.

For a man to say to a woman that he believes her size will make his penis look small by comparison, he has to be seriously deluded to think that that wouldn’t be considered offensive. Which means he either is completely clueless or he didn’t care if he hurt her feelings. She already came back around once despite his initial obnoxious commentary. That told him that this was a woman he could dump on and she’d still come back for more.Women can be plus-size and have high self-esteem and pull very attractive – objectively or to them -  great guys. We’ve all seen it. But the self-esteem  is the key. If that doesn’t exist, you can be sure they will attract every cruel, self-serving asshat like the guy in the second woman’s story.

Why am I stood up so much and why am  I left so quickly?

Here’s why: because she’s overweight and picking the wrong guys. That is the answer, folks. It’s not pretty or sassy or cute.  That is the answer that the OP seeks. But nobody wants to tell her that. Not directly, at least. They’ll tell her that there’s a lid for every pot or that a man will love her for who she is inside. The latter is the truth. A man will love her for what’s in the inside. And on the outside.  He just might not be the guy she initially wants. Sadly, most people don’t want to hear that. They want to believe that they get a blue ribbon just for participating and that should be enough. It’s not.

I’ve spoken before of my experiences when I was overweight. There was the guy who called me “fun size.” And the guy who said that the reason he came so quickly was because, “I wasn’t the right size for him.” These experiences were humiliating and contributed to my decision to lose weight. There really is nothing like realizing that that guy who told you how beautiful and sexy you were was lying. He’ll have sex with you. But he won’t date you. When you have that epiphany and you make the connection between that and your weight, all you want to do is hide. Then you get angry. The you get motivated.To this day, when men tell me I’m sexy, I cringe inside. I fear that they’re unable to tell me I’m beautiful because they don’t think I am, so they tell me I’m sexy hoping that will be enough.  I’m at the point where I find the word “sexy” to be an insult. I wish I didn’t.  That’s my inner fat girl warning me that nobody really wants me so don’t get too cozy.

DMN likes to say do no harm. That also applies to the damage we can do to ourselves. Don’t put yourself  in positions to be shamed. The minute you see the first glimmer of someone shaming you, like the guy in the second woman’s story did, walk away. You didn’t invite that. That is not your fault. But if you continue to stick around, and you continue to experience treatment like this, then you are doing yourself harm. You are not helping yourself by running to your friends or a blog and telling everybody about the douchebag that called you fat. Or crazy. Or a loser. Or whatever. All that does is allow you to avoid why their comments really bothered you. Getting a bunch of friends to agree with you about how that guy was a tool is not a remedy for the problem. The problem is…why do you keep experiencing this particular scenario over and over. I have a theory about why bloggers make these private humiliation sessions public. I think we do it because, deep down, we want to be punished and shamed some more because we think we deserve it. That’s a vicious cycle.

I wanted a high quality guy. So I lost weight. It was either shed the pounds or try and force myself to be attracted to men I didn’t find desirable. A choice had to be made, so I made it. I wasn’t confident in my skin the way some other plus size women were. I wasn’t able to pull what they could pull. I probably could have had I not endured the self-abuse that I put myself through by insisting I could find someone to look past my weight. I refused to accept my audience and my self-esteem paid the price. I don’t want that for anybody.

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32 Responses to “My Inner Fat Girl”

  1. The D-man Says:

    Wow, this is every brave. I’ve been rejected because of my weight and rejected others for the same reason. About 10 years ago I decided that weight should never be a reason for a woman to reject me, so I took steps to fix it.

    I focused on incrementabl lifestyle changes, not crash diets. I had my share of two-steps-forward-one-step-back, but I reminded myself that the long term goal is just to be healthier overall, regardless of whether I attracted a mate. Now at 43 I’m in the best shape of my life.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 0

    • Howard Says:

      Denial and delusion are always the first and biggest stumbling blocks. We all have some grief about things that didn’t go well in our lives. We agonize over being too fat or too skinny or too plain or too short or too dark or too pale, too poor, too lonely, too harried, too boring an existence, or too something. The key word is still, “Grief”

      There are many models with dealing with grief. Kubler-Ross has a five stage model. I have seen other models with seven stages. I would seriously advise people to examine these various models, as there is much there, to improve our everyday lives. The models tend to go to the extreme situations where grief shows up, but the methodologies are just as helpful when even mundane bits of angst trouble us.

      I was a philosophy minor in college and have done some writing on this. I have also done volunteer work at hospices. I have my own version that is pretty close to the standard models out there. I have adapted it for mundane situations that we don’t immediately recognize as grief situations, but most assuredly fall into that category. The stages given below tend to follow one after the other, but there is some going back and forth as people climb their way out of the situation.

      1. Denial and delusion, if sudden grief, also shock.
      2. Pain and guilt
      3. Anger
      4. Bargaining
      5. Depression and loneliness
      6. Real inner reflection
      7. Acceptance
      8. Reconstruction and working through
      9. Embracing, hope and positive efforts and initiatives to create change.

      This blog is certainly not the place for me to go through each of these stages. It would take too much time. The reason I even spent the time to bring this to the table, is because I see too many people dwelling in the early stages of the process with denial and anger and pain and depression, when there are better places to go.

      The last stage is especially important. We all have the power for tremendous change within us. Redemption is the center piece of all religions. We have to give others the chance to redeem themselves and most importantly our own self the chance for that powerful change. Nothing is static. We change things, or nature will change things for us. If we don’t lose the weight we should, we may get lucky and get sick, and the weight will fall off of us. Nature may not be so kind, and we may just drop dead of a heart attack.

      People have to stop repeating the mantra of, “take me as I am.” Yes there is much truth in that, but that has become the crutch that stifles real change.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  2. Badger Says:

    As a guy who used to have more on him than he does now, I can say that getting and staying in shape has such immense mental rewards, beyond the physical ones – you’re proud of yourself and you like more the person you see in the mirror.

    Also, I’m all about solving the most glaring problems first, which means getting in shape is going to have more payoff than tweaking your girl game or whatever.

    It’s hard, I know. Really hard. But it’s so worth it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

  3. The Private Man Says:

    In the weight-losing department, men and women are incredibly different. For women over a certain age, losing weight is excruciatingly frustrating and incredibly slow. Many women just throw in the towel and start rationalizing that they are quite happy being single and haven’t yet found a man to appreciate their “inner beauty”. Or, they find a string of men willing to give sex and no commitment.

    Moxie did lose the weight. I’ll bet her story is of extremely frustration in that process.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

    • DC Phil Says:

      Indeed. It might be the case with certain men, too, unless, like me, they’ve been blessed in the genetics department. Being slim and tall all of my life certainly have been invaluable assets when it comes to dating.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

    • grace Says:

      DC Phil you ‘ain’t never lied’. I am a 46 yr old woman who gained an extra 25lbs in the past few years. I have finally taken the bull by the horns to lose weight and get into shape, but the pounds are dropping off excruciatingly slow. If I were eating clean the way I am eating now in my 20s or even 30s, I would be halfway to my goal by now. As of January, I’ve lost 8lbs, 17 more to go. LOL!!

      Mox, as usual, I really appreciate your response to the OP. People think it’s cruel to tell people the truth, but in the dating/mating and quite frankly success department, looks and weight matter. Even changing hairstyles, I notice what men are or are not attracted to me. It’s sobering, but helpful to look the truth in the face and decide what you want to do about it.

      GE

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • SB Says:

        Grace, do you lift weights or do resistance training? If not, try that and it should speed things up for you. Also, interval training helps a lot as well (add in a minute at a faster pace or higher resistance every couple minutes or so for about 6 – 10 rounds).

        Just a couple things that could ease the process for you. Good job so far, though! Losing weight is never easy :)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • grace Says:

          Thanks for the advice! I always thought that adding weights would actually slow down weight loss progress.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

          • SB Says:

            I apologize for this distraction to the thread.

            You’re welcome! And, nope, the only way lifting weights would slow progress would be if you were trying to gain – eating excess calories and lifting super heavy. You should be lifting moderately heavy (failing on rep 8-10) to see results, but lifting actually speeds your heart rate and your resting metabolism to make it easier to burn calories.
            Unless you eat a lot of extra fatty/greasy food, you won’t gain; or if you are a mesomorph body type then you would be careful how much you lifted to not gain too much muscle. I added lots of muscle in the last year, but lost pounds overall (and lots of inches! Which can be annoying when your clothes no longer fit haha)

            Have fun!

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

            • fuzzilla Says:

              Yeah, I had a free personal training session once and she told me it was a waste to do an hour of cardio, it would be a much better use of my time to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weight lifting. Google “muscle confusion,” too (you need to mix it up to see results because your body gets used to the same ol’, same ol’ over and over).

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    >DMN likes to say do no harm. That also applies to the damage we can do to ourselves. Don’t put yourself in positions to be shamed. The minute you see the first glimmer of someone shaming you, like the guy in the second woman’s story did, walk away. You didn’t invite that. That is not your fault. But if you continue to stick around, and you continue to experience treatment like this, then you are doing yourself harm.<

    Yes, yes, yes 1000 times. I also liked what DMN said about "people think online dating is like amazon.com, all about what they want to pick without remembering they have to be picked, also."

    I do kind of think that guys who would make prickish comments about a woman's size would still be pricks even if you were a 25-year-old neurosurgeon who looked like a Playboy bunny. Because they're just pricks, period. You just don't treat people like that. (Not attracted to bigger girls, then fine, but no reason to be an asshole about it).

    I did lose some weight after the initial humiliation of jumping into online dating, though not as much as I wanted to. For me, if a guy has hangups about his looks, weight or height or whatever, the actual issue is far less a turnoff than the self-esteem issues that tend to go hand-in-hand with them (same goes for women, of course).

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  5. S Says:

    So, I’ve been a “bigger girl” my whole life. I was 6 feet tall by the time I was 13 and pretty much built like an East German swimmer. Apple shaped with broad shoulders and no hips or butt to speak of. Sexy.

    Luckily I’ve also always been athletic, I played basketball in high school and rowed crew in college. I love working out, but it’s never really amounted to any great amount of weight loss. Being so tall and fairly narrow, I carry my weight pretty well thanks to understanding how to dress for my body type. But I’m sure if people actually knew what the number was when I get on the scale, they’d be kind of mortified.

    Anyway, my insecurities with men have always been there. I mean, how can you feel comfortable dating a guy you could conceivably bench? I’m exaggerating, but in order to make myself attractive to the kind of men I wanted to date, I would not only physically try to make myself smaller. But make also make my whole life smaller, by minimizing my career successes, cutting myself down as stupid and laughing along when whatever guy took the cue. I really felt like the shortcut to love was putting someone else on a pedestal. You can imagine how well that worked out.

    So on the precipice of 34, after years of chasing and chasing metrosexual Mr. Big wannabes and forcing myself to hang out with groups of “friends” who were physically attractive but kind of nasty and shallow as a puddle, I finally headed back to a shrink. She asked me the question “Why are you surrounding yourself with people who make you feel bad?”

    And pretty much it clicked right then. It didn’t have much to do with my body…it had more to do with choosing to play the victim. And participating in my own self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not clearly not lovable…just look at how these people treat me.”

    Since then, I stopped looking at losing weight as some sort of ticket to a happy life. I work out because I love the rush and it’s good for my heart…not because I think I’ll be Cat Daddying with Kate Upton anytime soon.

    Sure, my inner fat girl beast is still in there somewhere but she’s kept in check by a much more confident, worthy person. I’m not sure if it was a coincidence that I met the beefy Midwestern cornfed love of my life about three weeks after that light bulb went on but it does seem like once you take your blinders off and get real about life…amazing things start to happen.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 0

    • myself Says:

      my story is pretty much the same, just not as tall and square I guess (I have a waist of which to speak). I’m never going to be tiny. And I accept that. Have a myriad of issues from accidents that preclude all sorts of different exercise which makes the whole weight loss issue complicated (although I have managed to lose a hell of a lot). But I’m still big, but I did meet someone that actually loves me for me, is a wonderful human being and is really easy on my eyes & thinks I’m the sexist thing on 2 legs (hey, it’s all in the beholder as they say).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  6. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    I have had to go to Portland OR for work quite a bit here recently…and in fact I am here this week. My understanding is the Vancouver WA is a suburb of it. I am guessing it is somewhat similar…

    My observation is that people here are super skinny…like anorexia type. Some are athletic. But for the US, extremely few overweight people.. People also seem extremely shallow. —and there are a lot of hipsters. Oh and it is very white. People like to dress differently, but everyone seems to be thinking the same thing. The wierd in Portland is only skin / hair dye/ tattoo deep.

    I suspect the OP is significantly out of the norm for here.

    The one good thing for the OP, it seems like there are a lot more single guys than single women.

    If I was the OP, I would move.

    My employer keeps talking of wanting me to move here and I am resisting all I can.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

      A little follow up. I wasn’t leaving till yesterday (Sat) so i went out Friday night to a close by bar. I noticed it was very cliched – there was 6 or so groups of people and nobody that I saw changed groups.

      What really shocked me was these two girls’ discussion at the table next to me. It was one mainly complaining about her ex-boyfriend. The thing that caught my attention was she was saying that her ex-boyfriend always complained about her fat ass but she liked have a fat ass. Her friend said this one she had been dating always admired the first girl’s ass and wanted the second girl to get an ass like that. First girl was about 5’5″ and skinny with no ass to speak of. I would guess a size 1. The other girl was about the same height and had no ass at all…probably a 0 or 00. It just shocked me. I would guess them late – mid 20s.

      The OP maybe being compared to these types of girls so may seem really big. Or she maybe using that standard and is actually skinny.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  7. india Says:

    What is worse and harder to lose? Physical weight or emotional burden?

    I suspect the issue with the OP is the latter. Several women have experienced emotionally abusive relationships in my life, and there is no correlation to their physical weight. Being cheated on happens to people regardless of size. Are their skinny women who have had few relationships in their 20′s? Yes, plenty, and I am an example. There are a lot of factors – social skills, available time, jobs that demand extensive travel – that contributes to the number of relationships you can have. Weight is one of many.

    When I read the OP’s letter, I felt such a sense of doom and loneliness. She sounds, acts, and sees the world as a victim. Is this the image she projects to the world in her every life – one of a serial, and powerless victim? Imagine meeting his women at a coffee shop and going up to talking to her, will she respond with a smile or deep suspicion?

    Weight certainly is one factor when it comes to dating. So is having a low-paying job, being a minority, have a physical disability, children from other relationships, etc. etc. We all have things that limits our available dating pool, but many of us overcome these limits. I would suggest the op to focus on her emotional burden as much as she does on her physical weight, and I suspect the former has a lot to do with her situation today as well.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  8. SB Says:

    2 things struck me while reading the post and comments.

    1) As said above, guys who are jerks will always be jerks; it does not matter your weight. I have dated/known lots of really nice and fantastic guys, but I have also met a few jerks in my time. I have never been overweight, though due to busyness and a variety of factors in college, I got down to a pretty skinny frame (as in ugly skinny, not good skinny). There are jerks who will date you just because you are that skinny; trust me, they are not nice. Probably the same guys who go give heavier girls a hard time the next day.
    The point it, confidence comes from within. Yes, it is hard to have confidence if you are not happy in your body (ugly skinny as mentioned above?). But, if you have confidence and respect yourself, others will follow suit. Stop believing men are treating you badly because you are not skinny enough; that is just an excuse, their weapon so to speak. Stop letting them.

    2) studies have shown that working out INSTANTLY improves your body image and self confidence. It doesn’t have to be a super intense workout, even just a long walk somewhere to get the blood pumping is enough. Eating better has the same effect. The theory is that because you know that you are doing something good for yourself, you feel better about yourself immediately even before changes are visible. So, no matter your size or shape, if you need a confidence boost try some exercise you enjoy. Just 20-30 minutes is enough, but go for as long as you like; don’t do anything you hate. What’s the point of that? And add in an extra serving each of veggies and fruit in place of carbs during the day. See how fast your confidence skyrockets.

    Now let’s see if guys can get away with being a jerk to you; chances are, you will stop standing for it. (since I am a woman, I wrote this from a woman’s perspective. However, men can encounter nasty women as well, and these tips will work for both genders. Men may enjoy lifting more, but I have one guy friend who absolutely loves to hike for his exercise). Cheers

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      if you have confidence and respect yourself, others will follow suit.
      This is not completely true. In reality, some people will be jerks no matter who you are or how you feel about yourself. However, confidence means that you will stop listening to such people and putting up with their crap. You will cut them out of your life and surround yourself with other confident, healthy people.

      Stop believing men are treating you badly because you are not skinny enough; that is just an excuse, their weapon so to speak.
      Haters gonna hate. If it’s not your weight, it’ll be something else: they will find something to get under your skin, eg. your income, education, clothes, friends, etc. The only solution is to do whatever it is you need to do to feel confident about yourself. If you rely on validation from others in any area of your life, the haters will sense that insecurity and exploit it, whether for sex, financial gain or simply entertainment.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

      • SB Says:

        Yes, exactly. Thank you for clarifying.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • grace Says:

        Yes, CR definitely cutting people out of your life who treat you badly is REALLY important. I’ve been doing that in the past few years – so many of my friends were actually frenemies and I am so much happier. Problem is, these frenemies are still in my circle (to an extent) and they are MAD as hell that I wish to be treated better. This can be disconcerting, but I know I’ve done the right thing.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  9. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    What really bothered me about the blogger’s story was that she didn’t seem to have an ounce of self-awareness. Sometimes a little bit of shame is a good thing if it prevents you from of publicly sharing stories like hers.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 6

  10. Karen Says:

    Amen Crotch Rocket. I was reading recently about 2 women in the media when their men left them spoke on how the first things they asked themselves were they skinny enough, good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc etc etc. SMH… Yes, lose weight. BUT the victimization and the outside validation women need to feel some sort of acceptance level by men is … SAD!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  11. Kristen Says:

    Yes, weight is important from both a man’s and a woman’s perspective, but I think the OP really has to consider if she is really taking care of herself and carrying herself with pride.

    I am no prude, but if you go home with a guy on the first date, you can’t get beaten down if you see him on a dating site the next day. You need to know yourself well enough to know if you can brush that off. If not, take care of yourself and go home after a date. If a guy starts disrespecting you in a text conversation or otherwise, ignore him forever. If it’s in person, politely excuse yourself. Those people are low-lifes that are looking for someone they can sh*t on. You need to set some boundaries and stand by them

    I agree with getting some movement into your life if you don’t already. I don’t want to imply that since you have extra weight that you are lazy. I have extra weight, and I run half-marathons. But if you are not getting regular exercise, seriously consider it. It will definitely improve many aspects of your life. Also consider a different approach to diet, because a lot of current research shows that certain foods can impact the chemicals in our brains and contribute to depression. Some of these are sugar (which is in almost everything in the interior of the grocery store), dairy and gluten. Maybe not a miracle cure, but it might help you get out of the fog in which you seem to dwell.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  12. joe-f Says:

    First off, not all men have the same taste. I like women who have a figure because I like large breasts and a butt that sticks out. So you just need to find men who have the same taste as me. They are out there.

    Second, you are a good person that a guy would be lucky to have. Everyone has flaws; if weight is an issue, most of the US population would be single. From your email, I think you are too nice and you let your dates step all over you. You need to have some demands. Nobody is perfect and there should be someone who love you for the imperfect you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      there should be someone who love you for the imperfect you.
      That makes for a great after-school special, but here in the real world most people (men or women) won’t be interested in getting to know the inner you unless they’re attracted to the outer you.

      Losing weight is the single most effective thing most people (men and women) can do to make themselves more attractive. 60% of the US population is overweight (and half of that is obese); just being a healthy weight (not even “skinny”) automatically puts you in the top 40%.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

  13. AHnalyst Says:

    I feel like I want to offer the OP a slice of honesty. But something is missing and I don’t know what it is. I imagine if I asked her to send me a pic and write a short paragraph about what interests her, I could reply with my gut reaction. I could just cough up what it is that might be turning men away. But would it be that obvious?

    Self confidence and charming personality are so much more powerful pieces, than appearance. It makes me think maybe her weight problem is something, quite literally, “huge.”

    I’m impressed how she talks of seeing things she wants to change, and taking steps to do something about them. But weight is too hard? How did she achieve her other goals? Set targets. Join a gym. Hire a trainer. Find a group activity. Join Weight Watchers or sign up for Jenny Craig. I don’t know but I believe it’s possible. If you want to change you can change.

    But I mostly want to know what it is. Really. Is it appearance? She says she’s not clingy. She doesn’t sound unreasonable in her thoughts or words. She just wants to know the truth, doesn’t she? Friends and family like her. Why not an every day, run of the mill, guy?

    I like to solve puzzles. This seems like an easy one, if it’s weight. Post a pic, send one, link to facebook. Let’s see if there’s any thing to that. Maybe that’s not fair. I don’t know why not but privacy could be risked so then that gets pretty sticky… just sayin’

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

    • JR2408 Says:

      She mentions she has health issues. If she has a thyroid problem losing weight could be near impossible. So she shouldn’t use weight as an excuse, being thin may not happen for you, if it’s a medical issue. But you should be taking great care of yourself, working out, eating right… The thing is a guy would like to know you care about yourself, so making an effort to work out weekly and eating right are great things to do for yourself and sends the msg to other ppl that you care.

      I know plenty of bigger women who always have a boyfriend. Weight really has nothing to do with her being single. I am def not the skinniest person out there, probably average by American standards and weight has never been a problem dating, I’ve found many guys who prefer me to skinnier women. It’s not weight! Don’t use it as an excuse b/c it can prevent you from finding out the real issue.

      You should focus on the msg you send to ppl, what your clothes, actions, attitudes, and energy say to ppl and be honest. Ask your friends, they probably know you best and probably tell you immediately what’s wrong and I’m sure it won’t be weight related.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

  14. Nikki Says:

    Hmmm, where to start? I feel for the OP. I can read the sadness, you can almost feel it. I don’t know how “big” she is, so I can’t even say well, losing weight will be the answer. Pleanty of “skinny” girls have the same problems. That is why so many dating experts, meetup groups and online dating even exists. Love is a battlefield (thanks Pat Benatar lol)and dating ain’t easy.

    I really cannot abide by the notion that losing weight makes anything all better. Even women deemed “gorgeous” have their love issues. What’s the answer then? Be healthy and take care of yourself because it’s good for YOU, get out and develop yourself as a person on the inside as well since growth should never stop. In your travels you will meet people, we always do. In your moments of introspection, think about what your values are and what kind of person you’d like to meet and don’t ask more of others than you would yourself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  15. myself Says:

    Honestly, the tiniest, thinnest & most beautiful women I know are the most insecure & severely insecure, and if they weren’t beautiful & thin they wouldn’t get a date for all those neurosis, so sometimes I wonder where the happy medium is. I’ve often said I’ll take my lot as a cute, smart & fun bigger girl over the alternative (thin, beautiful & insecure)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

  16. LostSailor Says:

    Unfortunate or not, a woman’s weight is an issue with me in dating.

    It took me 2 years to lose just over 40 lbs. I completely changed my approach to food, starting with one of the standard low-carb diets and gradually modifying it to something I could live with long-term. I cut my portions down to something like 25% of what I used to eat. I put in miles upon mile on a bicycle. It was a long, hard slog, and I’m not done yet.

    So, dating women who are overweight and not seeming to make any effort at getting in shape is a deal-breaker for me. Not that I’m going to be an ass about it. I dislike rude people so I try not to be rude myself.

    Losing weight may not answer all self-esteem problems, but it is a huge first step. I know it was for me. I felt better, and felt better about myself. I had more energy and confidence. I had to get new clothes, so i was also dressing better. I’ve also talked with a few women I know who have made serious efforts at dropping significant amounts of excess weight, and they tell me that it literally changed their lives. (I’m gently working on an old college friend who gained something like 150 lbs. after her divorce 10 years ago; she has breathing issues, has had both of her knees reconstructed, and bemoans the fact that no man will even look at her, let alone sleep with her. She’s almost onboard, and I’ve gotten her 20-year-old son who still lives with her (and recently dropped about 50lb himself) to agree to be her “food-nazi”. )

    I can’t and won’t go back to the person I was, so I expect that any woman who is even a prospect for a relationship, no matter how long, to at least make some effort.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

  17. Gorb Says:

    The problem is, we aren’t allowed to tell the truth any more – that being fat is ugly or unattractive.

    ironically, most larger people want less fat people to be with .We still want someone attractive, even if we’re not.

    Moxie at least tells the truth; LOSE WEIGHT is a good piece of advice.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

    • grace Says:

      I have a fat female friend (like 80lbs overweight) who didn’t dat for YEARS because she doesn’t want a fat man!! When she said this, I almost fell out of my seat!!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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