Originally posted Jan 24th, 2010 – 34 Comments
Name: lost | Location: Vancouver , Washington |Question: Dear Moxie,
I am chronically single. I’m a 30 year old female and I live a simple life. i’m not complicated when it comes to likes and dislikes, i’m not into games, I have never even been given a gift by a man, ever, so clearly I’m no gold digger. I have had 2 boyfriends and only one was serious about me and this was 10 years ago. He cheated on me and no man has ever been faithful to me or kept me around long enough to find out if I’m worth keeping.
I am beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me. I am overweight but not crazy and I recently lost 10 pounds. Due to some health issues my weight has always fluctuated and I am not sure I can ever be skinny. But I can do all my best to be the healthiest best me I can be.
I recently had a man show serious interest in me or so I thought. I wound up staying the night with him and I’m sure that was a huge mistake. I saw him on a dating site after not hearing back from him, and he even told me how much he liked me.
I felt all my old wounds open back up again after this experience. I believe I am pretty or at least cute. I realize I’m overweight but I am proportionate and carry myself with pride. I have a pleasant personality and many wonderful friends who find me to be funny and warm hearted. I know I am not perfect but I’m not looking for someone perfect either.
I just wonder why I am unable to attract anyone at all. I smile and laugh, I don’t party or get involved in drama, I try to further my life despite setbacks and hurdles. I think I have a positive, optimistic outlook. I spent quite a few younger years being depressed and for several years have been taking good care of being my own best friend. I decided I would not let my life be so sad and I took control to make it better.
I have been stood up far more than my fair share of times so it can’t be that once in a while I make a poor choice and sleep with someone too soon, since sometimes I’m not even given a first date. I have also been what I consider mildly abused. I say mildly because I was never in any danger and I was never really harmed. It was just not ok behavior from men but I’m only now seeing this.
I have been in councelling and learned a lot. But I have yet to figure out why it is men treat me so poorly or wont even look my way. Before this recent encounter (and I did like him very much), I had not been searching for anyone, I took myself off the market because I considered myself so undateable that the chances of getting hurt again were so high, I didn’t think I could go through being hurt again. I’ve lived almost as if I don’t care at all about guys, never even flirting. Now that I realize I’m no nun and this has been torture, I want to know why other women seem to have fun flirting, dating, meeting guys and eventually falling in love and I can’t even find someone to treat me like I’m human.
Why do I have such awesome family and friends who love me deeply, and I can make friends at the drop of a hat and always could, but I cannot for the life of me attract anyone even long enough to flirt, let alone date or marry? I’m typically not even thinking poor me, I usually think, what can I do to change this? What can I do to make life better? What do I need to do to achieve my goals and dreams? And then I go do those things! But seeing this most recent man online looking for a long term relationship, when I was seriously interested and he said he liked me, now nothing, makes me believe the worst about myself.
Why am I so undateable? Is weight really that important when I take care of myself, I am clean, I am thoughtful, I dress the best I can afford? I have a big heart and would really take care of a man. What gives? Why am I stood up so much and why am I left so quickly? I don’t even get clingy because I know that it drives men away, so I’m even aware and steer clear of that! Honestly are looks THAT important that a simple girl can’t date just because I don’t look like a magazine model? Is weight so important that I am undateable until I reach my goal weight? Should I give up on dating altogether unless I can weigh 125 pounds???|Age: 30
The other day, I linked to a story written by a woman who had been blown off by a guy. Apparently he was intimidated by her size. Despite his obvious assholeishness, the woman told herself that she and he could be friends. Fast forward a couple of days and she and the guy are texting and he asks her what she’s doing that day. She says she hadn’t even taken a shower yet, so she didn’t know. Which then in turn inspired this jackass to say that now he was fantasizing about her in the shower. If that weren’t bad enough, he then went on to tell her that he believed that if they had sex, she would probably make his penis look small.
That story made me dig through my the archives to find this old post.
For a man to say to a woman that he believes her size will make his penis look small by comparison, he has to be seriously deluded to think that that wouldn’t be considered offensive. Which means he either is completely clueless or he didn’t care if he hurt her feelings. She already came back around once despite his initial obnoxious commentary. That told him that this was a woman he could dump on and she’d still come back for more.Women can be plus-size and have high self-esteem and pull very attractive – objectively or to them - great guys. We’ve all seen it. But the self-esteem is the key. If that doesn’t exist, you can be sure they will attract every cruel, self-serving asshat like the guy in the second woman’s story.
Why am I stood up so much and why am I left so quickly?
Here’s why: because she’s overweight and picking the wrong guys. That is the answer, folks. It’s not pretty or sassy or cute. That is the answer that the OP seeks. But nobody wants to tell her that. Not directly, at least. They’ll tell her that there’s a lid for every pot or that a man will love her for who she is inside. The latter is the truth. A man will love her for what’s in the inside. And on the outside. He just might not be the guy she initially wants. Sadly, most people don’t want to hear that. They want to believe that they get a blue ribbon just for participating and that should be enough. It’s not.
I’ve spoken before of my experiences when I was overweight. There was the guy who called me “fun size.” And the guy who said that the reason he came so quickly was because, “I wasn’t the right size for him.” These experiences were humiliating and contributed to my decision to lose weight. There really is nothing like realizing that that guy who told you how beautiful and sexy you were was lying. He’ll have sex with you. But he won’t date you. When you have that epiphany and you make the connection between that and your weight, all you want to do is hide. Then you get angry. The you get motivated.To this day, when men tell me I’m sexy, I cringe inside. I fear that they’re unable to tell me I’m beautiful because they don’t think I am, so they tell me I’m sexy hoping that will be enough. I’m at the point where I find the word “sexy” to be an insult. I wish I didn’t. That’s my inner fat girl warning me that nobody really wants me so don’t get too cozy.
DMN likes to say do no harm. That also applies to the damage we can do to ourselves. Don’t put yourself in positions to be shamed. The minute you see the first glimmer of someone shaming you, like the guy in the second woman’s story did, walk away. You didn’t invite that. That is not your fault. But if you continue to stick around, and you continue to experience treatment like this, then you are doing yourself harm. You are not helping yourself by running to your friends or a blog and telling everybody about the douchebag that called you fat. Or crazy. Or a loser. Or whatever. All that does is allow you to avoid why their comments really bothered you. Getting a bunch of friends to agree with you about how that guy was a tool is not a remedy for the problem. The problem is…why do you keep experiencing this particular scenario over and over. I have a theory about why bloggers make these private humiliation sessions public. I think we do it because, deep down, we want to be punished and shamed some more because we think we deserve it. That’s a vicious cycle.
I wanted a high quality guy. So I lost weight. It was either shed the pounds or try and force myself to be attracted to men I didn’t find desirable. A choice had to be made, so I made it. I wasn’t confident in my skin the way some other plus size women were. I wasn’t able to pull what they could pull. I probably could have had I not endured the self-abuse that I put myself through by insisting I could find someone to look past my weight. I refused to accept my audience and my self-esteem paid the price. I don’t want that for anybody.