Is This Cougar Being Used?

Name: Wendi
Age: 42
Question: I met a man a year ago on the Cougarlife website. He contacted me and said he was very interested in meeting me.  I’m 42 and he’s 26. I was surprised when he wanted a committed relationship about a month after we met. He’s from another country and doesn’t have his green card yet, although he’s been here for few years. He’s currentlY a grad student. He says he loves me and compliments me a lot and I like him a lot  but worried if he’s using me, for sex or money or whatever!


I don’t have any real idea what his intentions are.

Personally, I don’t see what a 26 year old man would want with a 42 year old woman. I mean, you met him on a website for Cougars. Doesn’t that tell you what he was seeking? Most people don’t join Cougar dating sites or Sugar Daddy sites for real companionship.

As for all the compliments, I wouldn’t read too much into that. I’ve mentioned before that I find effusive compliments disingenuous. Especially when they’re coming from some 26 year old guy who met me on a Cougar dating site. He saying nice things probably because he knows you want to hear them. Complimenting you greases the wheel so to speak.I don’t know where this all began, but a punch of these pick up programs seem to encourage men to compliment women they barely know. To me, that comes off as trying too hard. Either that or the person freely doling out the compliments is angling for something rather than just being themselves and being upfront. I’m sure some women like it. I’m just not one of them.

I do tend to believe that guys like this are “using” women for sex. But again, you advertised yourself as a Cougar. So you essentially presented yourself as someone looking to “use” a guy right back.

I was surprised when he wanted a committed relationship about a month after we met.

As you should be. Why would a 26 year old guy in NYC (with an accent, no less) be so quick to make that kind of sacrifice for a woman almost 20 years his senior? This guy could get laid left and right if he’s relatively attractive. Even if he’s a poor student.  The accent alone is a pantie dropper. So why would he be so willing to give up that variety for a much older woman? It doesn’t make sense to me. What does he get out of this? Sex? He can get that from a woman his own age or younger. So there has to be something more in this for him that is keeping him around. And I highly doubt it’s love or companionship. (Cue all the stories from women who have friends who married their much younger men and how omigod super happy they are. Super. Get back to me after they’ve been married 10+ years.)

It’s questions like this that women fail to ponder when their dream guy comes along and literally drops at their feet. They want to believe that The Universe has somehow delivered a gift to them as payback for all the disappointments and frustrations. Y’all know that I love me some God…but that’s not how God or The Universe works. We don’t accrue points that at some point get traded in for perks and bonuses. If something happens, it’s because it was either supposed to happen for a reason unbeknownst to us or it’s just a happening that occurred due to a series of conscious choices.

One of the most crucial dating skills someone can possess is critical thinking. You should not be opposed to challenging assumptions and questioning things that seem too easy or inconsistent with every other experience you’ve had.With experience you develop a baseline of what is “typical.”

For those who say I’m being cynical and jaded, need I remind you that the title of this column isn’t  “And That’s Why We Take Things At Face Value.”


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29 Responses to “Is This Cougar Being Used?”

  1. The Private Man Says:

    “Is This Cougar Being Used?”


  2. joe-f Says:

    We are not going to get enough information to make a determination. I would say chance of being used 99% and chance of true love 1%.

    Here is what I know. Getting a green card in the US as a foreign national is a real pain in the ass. I love this country but the process without a citizen wife or husband borders on insurmountable because companies are not willing to sponsor anymore. This guy is in grad school. He is going to graduate and he needs to find a sponsor. If he doesn’t, he has to go back home. If he marries you, he will get his temporary green card in 6 months. Two years later he gets his permanent green card and can stay here without your sponsorship. Depending on how bad his home country is, it makes sense to find someone who can help him stay.

    • Selena Says:

      I was also thinking green card as the reason he wanted a committed relationship a month after you met. It’s the Occam’s Razor explanation, don’t you think?

      Question: were you looking for a committed relationship with a younger man when you joined the cougar site? That seems a bit unrealistic to me. If you joined for the potential sexual access to younger men, why do you care if this young stud is ‘using’ you or not? Perhaps you need to figure out what you really want rather than focusing on what this fellow might want.

  3. separatedguy Says:

    Somebody needs to cue up some Bob Seger “Night Moves.” “I used her. She used me. Neither one cared. We were gettin’ our share.” I couldn’t imagine a purpose to a site called “Cougerlife” other than both parties being used. Enjoy!

  4. Kurt Says:

    Isn’t she on that website because she wants to hook up with much younger guys? So how could she possibly be used by this guy?

  5. Kotoula Says:

    The fscking eternal solipsism of the female mind never ceases to amaze me…

  6. Jef Says:

    Is this woman an idiot? What does she expect from a guy who needs a green card she met on a site for cougars? Real cougars don’t get used. They use younger men. I would bet anything her immigrant boyfriend drops her like a hot rock after he gets what he wants. He isn’t using her for sex. He is using her to stay in the country.

  7. Saywhat! Says:

    Maybe he thinks you’re smart and pretty but likes your big boobs more. Do you still feel used?

  8. Shelly Says:

    The OP mentioned in her post that he doesn’t have his green card yet. That’s a huge flag that she felt the need to mention that. She knows he’s using her, probably for a multitude of reasons, sex, money, etc.

    It baffels my mind, when we feel the need to ask these questions, we already know the answer!!!!

    • Selena Says:

      Shelly, did you borrow from writer Erica Jong? One of my favorite quotes;

      “Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didn’t.”


  9. DowntownAngel Says:

    I say she should go for it. Real cougars use younger men and she’s found one who is in extremely vulnerable posiion (no GC) so she can have real fun. Until this guy gets his permanent green card, which will be several years after the marriage, he’ll be her bitch. She will be saying “jump” and he’ll be asking “how high?”. She just needs a real good iron-clad prenup if she has any assets.

  10. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Coming soon:

    “Dear Moxie, I met this girl on Could she be using me for my money?”

    It’s ridiculous that it’s come to this when it comes to modern dating. A red flag is waved right in front of you, but for some reason you’ll only see green…until you crash.

  11. Jeff Says:

    DUH? Of course she is being used. Based on the web site they used to meet its a given.. All cougars are being used. Do women really buy into that bull shit that they can actually have a relationship with a younger guy after Demi Moore got her walking papers. The bottom line is your +40 & on your way to 50. the clock is ticking no matter how much botox the Dr. pumps you full of. Why do you even waste your time on something so basic?

    • Alana Moore Says:

      I disagree with your comment about ALL Cougars being used. I happen to be a European
      Cougar and we don’t chase and we don’t pay, like US Cougars, who appear desperate to
      have a man ( any man! ) by the way they are acting/ The OP mentioned that he might be
      using her for money. Now… since NOT all Cougars pay and chase, your reasoning ONLY
      applies for those women who do and in that case it is their own damn fault for being used.

      I can honestly say that since I DON’T pay and am the one who does the picking and set the
      boundaries, I DON’T feel used, since it’s my way, or the highway!

      Please refrain from making ignorant statements like ALL Cougars. There are different types
      of Cougars, just like there are different types of females. There are the ones who value them-
      selves, with self esteem, who do not settle and don’t pay and there are desperate women (of
      ANY age) who will settle for ant man, just to have one. nI have seen young girls who pay for
      men, which is really sad!

      • Angeline Says:

        Sounds like a transaction, and you’re right, if eyes are open on all sides, and the price agreed on is satisfactory, no one is being used.

        This comment certainly undermines the “European women are not entitled princesses like US women”trope. Oh, I know, that “All” word.

  12. Bill Says:

    sounds like a equal exchange

  13. Bill Says:

    often women buy thousands of dollars worth of botox, plastic surgery, spends hours excericsing to feel young and beautiful… this guy is giving you all of that for way less cost

  14. Trouble Says:

    Until this guy gets his permanent green card, which will be several years after the marriage, he’ll be her bitch. She will be saying “jump” and he’ll be asking “how high?”. She just needs a real good iron-clad prenup if she has any assets.

    There’s no such thing as an ironclad prenup. And, any smart divorcee will tell you that the real financial risks aren’t in the divorce…they’re in the financial exposure that you have as soon as you marry them.

  15. LostSailor Says:

    Have to agree with joe-f and Selena. Yes, the OP is being used and she don’t really seem to mind. Not really. But she needs to be open-eyed and clear-minded about what he really wants and what she really wants. The sex part is pretty obvious: you were on a “cougarlife” web site and you were “surprised” that he wanted a “committed” relationship. So you’re DTF.

    But the immigration status and the mention of “money” are the real giveaways. joe-f is entirely correct that when his student visa expires after graduation, he’s going to need a path to that green card. If you’re also currently supporting him, whether it’s paying for “dates” or buying him gifts or (hopefully not) paying his rent, you’re the perfect mark. He’s laying the groundwork. I’m going to take a guess that he’s graduating in the next 6 to 12 months. That’d be 18 months to two years you’ll have been together. If he convinces you to marry him, as joe-f said, 6 months to temp green card and two years to permanent, leaves you at 45 and him at 29.

    What are the chances that he sticks around once he has permanent residency? He might for another 6 to 12 months so ICE doesn’t get suspicious, but as soon as he feels safe, he’s gone with the wind.

    Of course, I could be wrong and he is really head-over-heels madly in love with you. Stop paying his rent and see how that goes…

  16. Erine Says:

    This is why ive always dated men about ten years older ,,, and i am still in my 20s. It feels more natural and is more secure ling term.
    He is absolutely trying to get hs gcard. He went to that website stratigically for that. You c adn t blame him either, its the only w ay to be legalazied. Although he is trying to do it at tje e cp ense of another person. But she Did go to that site so uts not like she we ntt to Eharmony

  17. VJ Says:

    Sure, SSDD. Please google: ‘My Mohammed is different.’ And read Everything carefully. And hey, if the sex is great, then it must have been true luv too. For a time, for the moment. But for a real LTR and maturity? Think again. Then reexamine your thoughts & feelings after a few years or so. Or every few months. Whatever works for you. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  18. Joey Giraud Says:

    Hold on a minute! You guys are assuming a lot.

    My first wife was 10 years older and I really thought she was smart and sexy and sophisticated. From her, I learned a ton about dance and theatre and art and how to properly light a woman’s cigarette. While it didn’t last, at the time she was worth the plunge, despite the age difference. ( now at 50, I’m relieved I don’t have a 60 year old wife… )

    Isn’t it just possible that he digs her for something besides sex or permanent residency?

    • LostSailor Says:

      Don’t think we’re assuming much here, your experience notwithstanding. Ten years difference isn’t sixteen years difference. Of course, it’s possible he digs her for herself. But given the circumstances in the OP’s mail, it’s unlikely. At the very least, it raised a bunch of red flags.

      • Selena Says:

        The fact he wanted a committed relationship with her after one month is itself a huge red banner.

  19. Mike Felber Says:

    LostSailor is correct. Though it is also wrong to assume that folks cannot love, or prefer, others much older or younger, for sexual & sometimes romantic purposes. but there are red flags galore here.

    Assuming effusive compliments alone are insincere or manipulative is extraordinarily cynical & not rational. Some are generous spirited & charmed by others-all of us would not exist without our ancestors, mostly males, doing things from compliments to love poems to woo & win their mates, often very early on. Were these mostly calculated &/or needy entreaties?

    No, healthy folks offer up kind words & affection absent ulterior motives. And those with an open heart & soul do not automatically assume the worst when praise & amorous thoughts are tendered. .

  20. Jack Says:

    You’re a cougar – You use younger men for the sex, and to feel young or whatever. You meet a guy who needs a green card on a cougar dating site. Your brain is telling you everything you need to know, but all of a sudden, with all these clues in your face, you are starting to look for an excuse to get with this guy. There’s no way anyone here can tell you the best way to handle the situation.

  21. James Says:

    I actually knew a woman in this situation, she married the guy, and he then essentially disappeared. She was miserable. Do not be stupid, of course he wants to stay in the US. If you think it is because you are hot, which you might be, plenty of hot women in their 40s, just remember, there are plenty of women his age who are just as hot or hotter. There are also plenty of hot men closer to your own age who wont jack you over for a green card. This arrangement is a disaster in the making.

  22. Mark Says:

    Umm… with all due respect, you were on a site catering to cougars. So it sounds like you are both using one another. Unfortunately, from the sound of it, your intentions are hardly mutual with the same endpoint in mind.

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