No, He’s Not Afraid To Ruin The Friendship

Name: Anonymous
Age: 21
State: NY
Question: Me and this guy met about 2 years ago through a mutual friend, and have been pretty much inseparable best friends ever since. We’re both 21. When we first met, it was in the middle of the summer and I think we both just wanted to have a fling. He got my number and started texting me, we hung out a couple of times and hooked up. I wouldn’t take it too far because I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl, but he still stayed in contact. Soon we realized we had so much in common, and that’s when we started to become really good friends and stopped the making out.

We know everything about each other, and can tell each other anything. He knows all of my favorite things and little habits/tendencies. Even if I’m just sitting there in silence he can tell how I’m feeling, and always knows how to cheer me up. We do everything together, and go everywhere together. I’m really close to his family, and he’s close to mine. He calls and texts me everyday wanting to know what I’m doing and wanting to hangout. He’s always play fighting me, pinching me, tickling me, playing with my hair and just touching me in general. People always think we’re a couple wherever we go, and even our friends and family constantly ask when we’re going to start dating. He plans on us traveling the world, and doing all of this stuff together throughout our lives. Most of the time it feels like we’re in a relationship, without having the physical benefits. He gets jealous whenever I mention another guy, and wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time.

Obviously I’ve now fallen in love with him and I decided to share my feelings with him a couple weeks ago. He says he doesn’t know if he sees me as more than a friend, but thinks we are great friends and should just stay as close as we are without taking it to the next step. I told him I think we need to not be as close anymore, not only because I need to get over my feelings for him, but being so close there is no way either one of us are going to be able to be in another relationship. He just doesn’t see it like that, he thinks we can stay this close forever. But I know we can’t, it’s not healthy especially if we both plan on actually having a boyfriend or girlfriend in the future (which neither of us have had since we became friends). We tried at first to stay a little distant, but it just doesn’t work. Everything always goes back to us being so close. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is he being selfish or am I? Where should I go from here?

 

Soon we realized we had so much in common, and that’s when we started to become really good friends and stopped the making out.

Okay. Let’s all put our critical thinking skills caps on. Now, does this sound reasonable to you? Don’t you think that if he wanted to date you, and the physical connection was already present BEFORE you became BFF’s that this sort of familiarity would encourage him to want more and not less? Of course it would.

The “we might ruin the friendship” excuse  is one that women formulate in their mind to help cushion the blow of the truth. And that truth would be that your bestie is either a Friend of Dorothy’s, a major doofus when it comes to girls,  or he isn’t attracted to you. Frankly, I think the fear of “ruining” a friendship was inspired by every John Hughes movie and After School special we watched as young adults. It’s not real. It doesn’t exist. Molly Ringwald didn’t love Duckie back because Ducky was unattractive and insecure. That’s it. It had nothing to do with their friendship. She liked Blaine because he was well dressed and had great hair and Andrew McCarthy was all soft spoken and dreamy. (Personally, I was a James Spader gal. The snarl. The smarm. Oh yeah. Discuss.)

We know everything about each other, and can tell each other anything. He knows all of my favorite things and little habits/tendencies.

Well, sure. That’s what friends do. We pay attention. Being able to read you well isn’t exclusive to romantic partners. Friends can do that, too. Personally, I think things like this are figments of our imagination. We think they know us, but actually they just guessed really well or we are really, really predictable and easy to read.

People always think we’re a couple wherever we go, and even our friends and family constantly ask when we’re going to start dating. ….He gets jealous whenever I mention another guy, and wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time.

I think all those cutesy questions you get are because people can tell you like him and they’re being kind. That or they’re just busy bodies. I’ve brought male friends to family events before, and even though I tell them that the man and I are just friends, they still would make comments and ask questions. It’s what some people do. Especially people who don’t have any friends of the opposite sex.

He’s always play fighting me, pinching me, tickling me, playing with my hair and just touching me in general.

What is he, 12? Hon, he’s immature. As are you. Which is acceptable because you’re only 21. But this sort of behavior is wildly juvenile. So even if he did like you “that way” he wouldn’t have the first clue how to behave in a relationship. It would be a mess.Trying to get this guy to morph into a mature boyfriend would be a Herculean effort as this point.

Everything always goes back to us being so close.

Does it? Or do you keep going back to him? I don’t think this is about selfishness. I think it’s about immaturity. I could be wrong, but it just sounds to me like you’re both immature and don’t really know how to act with the opposite sex. Again, that’s not terrible, as you are only 21. But this sounds like a relationship between kids in junior high. Not two 21 year olds. I’m not saying that you two need to shoot to moving in together. But there needs to be some semblance of maturity at this point, and there just doesn’t seem to be any here. You both have really immature views of attraction and sex and dating and the opposite sex. You both clearly lack experience. You’re not going to get any if you stick with this guy. He’s going to keep you right where you are. Your growth and maturity, at least where relationships are concerned, will become stunted. Find a mature 25 year old and hang out with him. This kid is just going to hold you back.

Now for this:

I wouldn’t take it too far because I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl, but he still stayed in contact.

What kind of girl? The kind of girl who has sex? Unless you’re a virgin, and you very well might be which is perfectly fine, then you are “that kind of girl.” This is where all the bad habits and warped ides are formed. Using the “I’m not that kind of girl” excuse is a sign of immaturity. It’s not a valid reason. There is no such thing as “that kind of girl.” You either have sex or you don’t. You can be the girl who doesn’t have sex. That’s acceptable. But don’t get into the very bad habit of playing into these imaginary rules. Boys want sex. Girls want sex, too. But boys really want sex. Knowing that, you need to make your choices based upon what you know their expectations will be.  You weren’t even dating this guy, yet you were hooking up with him but you’re not that kind of girl? Inconsistency. Don’t want to get physical? Don’t let boys that you aren’t dating squeeze your boobies. If you want to be casual and hook up and all that, then prepare yourself for what the guys will eventually want. If that’s not your bag, baby, then avoid those situations. That’s what being an adult is about. Choices. Informed decisions. Sacrifice.

 

 

Okay kids…I’m heading out of town in the am. I would be eternally grateful if you guys could submit some questions. That way, when I get back, I can go back to business as usual. Thanks for all your kind words and support.

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19 Responses to “No, He’s Not Afraid To Ruin The Friendship”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “The ‘we might ruing the friendship’ excuse that women formulated in their mind to help cushion the blow to the truth.”

    Yes, absolutely, the “excuse” is not only formulated in the mind but expressed “out loud” to men in order to reject them softly. And, the men believe it for some reason. It’s very similar to the “He’s really attractive and a great guy but there was ‘no chemistry.’” Then you have entire blog cities built by men on this nonsencial concept that women are somehow sooo unqiue in that they need special “chemistry” or to have “their knees wobble” when, really? Those chicks just didn’t dig you. (You’re not really attractive and you’re not a great guy.)

    Set the record straight. No one ever turned down a relationship with someone they were interested in because there was a friendship first, or second or ever. And, no one ever turned down a relationship with someone they were interested in because there was no chemistry.

    So, this kid is just avoiding conflict by employing a line he knows she’ll believe. My vote is that that the guy is gay but I always say that. Because it’s true.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

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    • Selena Says:

      I also thought he might be gay and choosing not to act on it, or perhaps even acknowlege it to himself? He has a close ‘relationship’ with a woman for 2 years, no sex, doesn’t want to move it to an intimate level, and hasn’t dated any other women during those 2 years. If it walks like a duck….

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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      • WildJoeCool Says:

        My son dated his high-school sweet heart for 4 years. No sex. Minimal physical intimacy. They only ever even kissed twice in all that time. He is not gay. He’s just immature. He just doesn’t know how to move forward. How do I teach him that? I’m not sure exactly.

        This post sounds like an immature friendship exactly like Kristen points out.

        The sweet heart went out of state to a christian University, primarily to get her “MRS” degree. She was married by her senior year. My son struggled with the loss of “friendship” for a long time. But they just weren’t moving forward. Obviously, she found a way.

        My son in fact hasn’t dated since then. I’m still convinced he’s not gay. But he’s travelling to France for the summer and if a French cutie doesn’t nail his ass, I’ll have to re-evaluate…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Let me get this gay.

          Your son dated a girl for four years and they only kissed twice in that time and you think he’s just immature? That’s not just immaturity. That’s some kind of developmental delay. Or they were neverbactually dating, he just thought they were. Or he’s gayer than a clutch purse on Tony night.

          I’m guessing the key to this mystery is in the word “christian. “

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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          • WildJoeCool Says:

            Your analysis is perfect.
            “Christian” is EXACTLY where the hang up lays. They’re BOTH “not that kind of girl/guy.” They aren’t going to move forward until there’s a ring on their finger and GOD says it’s okay.

            …and that’s how I DID IT… boy was THAT F***ed up. haha.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Its true. France is the location of choice for Christian heterosexuals to hone their craft. European men are mas macho. Though, you may want to check his plane ticket to confirm he’s not making a stopover in Mikonos. I hear the boys are beautiful there.

              Embrace it. Seriously, Christianity is never a real motivating factor. It is always an justification after the fact. Don’t take my word. History is my proof.
              Son? Gay.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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              • WildJoeCool Says:

                In the grand scheme of things, I think you are completely dead on target.
                However, in individual circumstances, your conclusions don’t apply at all.

                I did not have sex until I was married at 23. Christianity was the ENTIRE motivating factor. I actually BELIEVED all the “it’s wrong” sermons. I had means, and opportunity, and i was not guilty of more than coping a feel once or twice.

                And I can tell you I do not have one gay bone in my body. That’s only further proof those sermons hit a nerve somewhere. Probably something I should mention to my therapist.

                I think I understand my son because I did the exact same thing. Christianity is largely a message of guilt and retribution that I took several years to see past. He isn’t there yet but with any luck I’ll help him out of it.

                In the mean time, I think your conclusion that it’s justification after the fact is ALMOST true. It is indeed justification. But it’s justification they started with BEFORE the fact isn’t it? The atrocities of history are from groups that claimed a faith before they were commited. I don’t know of any atrocities that were committed where their faith wasn’t declared until after.

                The OP is looking for some insight.
                There are a lot of people here that conclude he’s gay. I know a whole crowd of people that would not have taken any other action than the guy did here, because they actually would actually feel guilty about it and could not bring themselves to violate their own conscious. And MOST of them are not gay. Except the homophobic folks we think… haha.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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                • Selena Says:

                  Isn’t sex a motivating factor for young religious (not just Christian) people to marry? In the OP’s case, they did a little making out in the beginning (experimentation?), but now two years later when she’s willing to have a “more than friendship” relationship with him, he doesn’t want it. Where are his hormones? – especially at that age? He spends most of his time with her, talks about plans years into the future, doesn’t date other girls…

                  I agree with Moxie there is some immaturity with this couple, but I don’t think that explains the fact that he wants her as his ‘girlfriend’ in most ways (and becomes jealous if she gets interested in other men), but has no desire to be physical with her. I don’t think religion explains that either.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    The explanation is that he doesn’t get jealous or treat her like a gf in other ways. She just wants to believe he does. It’s like when women come home from dates and say that they had this amazing connection with a guy and then he never calls. Guess what? There was no amazing connection. Not on his end, at least.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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                    • Selena Says:

                      So you think she’s weighting the things he says (travel, things they will do throughout their lives), calling and texting every day more heavily than she should? To what do you attribute the fact he hasn’t tried to date any women in the last 2 years he’s had this friendship? I find this unusual for a man his age.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    • Howard Says:

      If he gets jealous, he is probably not gay. He is just now learning like you. He just doesn’t want to screw up a good thing. He probably beats off to you twice a day. You rejected him in the early and there is a price you are now paying. I think I was in this Guy’s shoes at one time, not as long, and of course I was only 14 or 15. Forget words. Actions speak louder. Just kiss him and get over the confusion you created. Yes, you have to initiate. It’s the price you pay for rejecting him before.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 8

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      • Kristen Says:

        He might be gay and just not ready to accept it for himself. He can be jealous of her giving her attention to someone else, it doesn’t have to be because he wants to have sex with her. If she moves on, all this other time that she’s spending with him will be spent on the new person.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  2. jeff Says:

    As a guy dating in NYC I will expose my go to move. First download the Uber app. For those of you who don’t know, its an app that will send a black car to your location. When you are closing out your tab at the end of the night, hit the Uber app, when you walk out go directly to the car and escort her in. When she asks where we are going, respond “my place”. Not only is this a great close but she will definitely want a second date because of the implied impression you have a personal driver. And let’s face it, girls in NYC are gold diggers.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 17

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  3. MrWombat Says:

    “And that truth would be that your bestie is either a Friend of Dorothy’s, a major doofus when it comes to girls, or he isn’t attracted to you.”

    Or, he *became* unattracted to her over the course of finding out so much about her character.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 3

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Doubtful. This guy is effusive in his display of affection for her. He’s probably never had a girlfriend.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  4. Joey Giraud Says:

    Gee, it sounds like you guys have a beautiful ambiguous thing going on, just perfect for your early 20s. But the more practical part of your feminine mind, underneath all this, is concerned about…. reproduction, and something about him is a deal killer. You need to figure out what this is and admit it to yourself at least.

    Then chew for a while and decide if it actually is the deal killer it seems to be. Perhaps it’s just something your mother said. Mothers can be wrong. Be certain.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 7

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  5. dimplz Says:

    This letter could have been written by this woman I know. Same exact situation – they travel together many times a year, except to my knowledge there has never been physical contact. Speak to each person individually and this is the story you hear – the woman is head over heels, and the man is not attracted to her AT ALL. She is his security blanket. This has been going on for about 5-6 years, and I actually feel sorry for her, because I really think she thinks he’s going to come around. I wish he would – he obviously can’t do better and hasn’t really tried to date other girls, but c’est la vie.

    “I wouldn’t take it too far because I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl, but he still stayed in contact. ” – This is part of the reason he’s not taking it to the next level – he’s not that kind of guy.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  6. Jack Says:

    You – Definitely immature
    Him – Either terribly immature or gay

    Either way, you guys need to tone down that “friendship”. As Moxie said, most of that cute stuff you were talking about is IN YOUR HEAD. I don’t know why women can’t separate their fantasies from reality. That closeness you describe is so unnatural and sounds like a guy making out with his sister or something. Grow up. AND the guy REALLY needs to grow up.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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  7. Mike Says:

    I personally think he’s trying not to ruin the great friendship it seems like you two have. He might have insecurities that you don’t know about that make him not want to be more than friends. He doesn’t want to lose you as a friend if things don’t end up working out.

    You say you two have kissed before, so he obviously has or at least had an attraction towards you, and the way he acts it seems like he still does. This actually kind of stumps me.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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