Question: Me and this guy met about 2 years ago through a mutual friend, and have been pretty much inseparable best friends ever since. We’re both 21. When we first met, it was in the middle of the summer and I think we both just wanted to have a fling. He got my number and started texting me, we hung out a couple of times and hooked up. I wouldn’t take it too far because I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl, but he still stayed in contact. Soon we realized we had so much in common, and that’s when we started to become really good friends and stopped the making out.
We know everything about each other, and can tell each other anything. He knows all of my favorite things and little habits/tendencies. Even if I’m just sitting there in silence he can tell how I’m feeling, and always knows how to cheer me up. We do everything together, and go everywhere together. I’m really close to his family, and he’s close to mine. He calls and texts me everyday wanting to know what I’m doing and wanting to hangout. He’s always play fighting me, pinching me, tickling me, playing with my hair and just touching me in general. People always think we’re a couple wherever we go, and even our friends and family constantly ask when we’re going to start dating. He plans on us traveling the world, and doing all of this stuff together throughout our lives. Most of the time it feels like we’re in a relationship, without having the physical benefits. He gets jealous whenever I mention another guy, and wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time.
Obviously I’ve now fallen in love with him and I decided to share my feelings with him a couple weeks ago. He says he doesn’t know if he sees me as more than a friend, but thinks we are great friends and should just stay as close as we are without taking it to the next step. I told him I think we need to not be as close anymore, not only because I need to get over my feelings for him, but being so close there is no way either one of us are going to be able to be in another relationship. He just doesn’t see it like that, he thinks we can stay this close forever. But I know we can’t, it’s not healthy especially if we both plan on actually having a boyfriend or girlfriend in the future (which neither of us have had since we became friends). We tried at first to stay a little distant, but it just doesn’t work. Everything always goes back to us being so close. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is he being selfish or am I? Where should I go from here?
Soon we realized we had so much in common, and that’s when we started to become really good friends and stopped the making out.
Okay. Let’s all put our critical thinking skills caps on. Now, does this sound reasonable to you? Don’t you think that if he wanted to date you, and the physical connection was already present BEFORE you became BFF’s that this sort of familiarity would encourage him to want more and not less? Of course it would.
The “we might ruin the friendship” excuse is one that women formulate in their mind to help cushion the blow of the truth. And that truth would be that your bestie is either a Friend of Dorothy’s, a major doofus when it comes to girls, or he isn’t attracted to you. Frankly, I think the fear of “ruining” a friendship was inspired by every John Hughes movie and After School special we watched as young adults. It’s not real. It doesn’t exist. Molly Ringwald didn’t love Duckie back because Ducky was unattractive and insecure. That’s it. It had nothing to do with their friendship. She liked Blaine because he was well dressed and had great hair and Andrew McCarthy was all soft spoken and dreamy. (Personally, I was a James Spader gal. The snarl. The smarm. Oh yeah. Discuss.)
We know everything about each other, and can tell each other anything. He knows all of my favorite things and little habits/tendencies.
Well, sure. That’s what friends do. We pay attention. Being able to read you well isn’t exclusive to romantic partners. Friends can do that, too. Personally, I think things like this are figments of our imagination. We think they know us, but actually they just guessed really well or we are really, really predictable and easy to read.
People always think we’re a couple wherever we go, and even our friends and family constantly ask when we’re going to start dating. ….He gets jealous whenever I mention another guy, and wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time.
I think all those cutesy questions you get are because people can tell you like him and they’re being kind. That or they’re just busy bodies. I’ve brought male friends to family events before, and even though I tell them that the man and I are just friends, they still would make comments and ask questions. It’s what some people do. Especially people who don’t have any friends of the opposite sex.
He’s always play fighting me, pinching me, tickling me, playing with my hair and just touching me in general.
What is he, 12? Hon, he’s immature. As are you. Which is acceptable because you’re only 21. But this sort of behavior is wildly juvenile. So even if he did like you “that way” he wouldn’t have the first clue how to behave in a relationship. It would be a mess.Trying to get this guy to morph into a mature boyfriend would be a Herculean effort as this point.
Everything always goes back to us being so close.
Does it? Or do you keep going back to him? I don’t think this is about selfishness. I think it’s about immaturity. I could be wrong, but it just sounds to me like you’re both immature and don’t really know how to act with the opposite sex. Again, that’s not terrible, as you are only 21. But this sounds like a relationship between kids in junior high. Not two 21 year olds. I’m not saying that you two need to shoot to moving in together. But there needs to be some semblance of maturity at this point, and there just doesn’t seem to be any here. You both have really immature views of attraction and sex and dating and the opposite sex. You both clearly lack experience. You’re not going to get any if you stick with this guy. He’s going to keep you right where you are. Your growth and maturity, at least where relationships are concerned, will become stunted. Find a mature 25 year old and hang out with him. This kid is just going to hold you back.
Now for this:
I wouldn’t take it too far because I told him I wasn’t that kind of girl, but he still stayed in contact.
What kind of girl? The kind of girl who has sex? Unless you’re a virgin, and you very well might be which is perfectly fine, then you are “that kind of girl.” This is where all the bad habits and warped ides are formed. Using the “I’m not that kind of girl” excuse is a sign of immaturity. It’s not a valid reason. There is no such thing as “that kind of girl.” You either have sex or you don’t. You can be the girl who doesn’t have sex. That’s acceptable. But don’t get into the very bad habit of playing into these imaginary rules. Boys want sex. Girls want sex, too. But boys really want sex. Knowing that, you need to make your choices based upon what you know their expectations will be. You weren’t even dating this guy, yet you were hooking up with him but you’re not that kind of girl? Inconsistency. Don’t want to get physical? Don’t let boys that you aren’t dating squeeze your boobies. If you want to be casual and hook up and all that, then prepare yourself for what the guys will eventually want. If that’s not your bag, baby, then avoid those situations. That’s what being an adult is about. Choices. Informed decisions. Sacrifice.
Okay kids…I’m heading out of town in the am. I would be eternally grateful if you guys could submit some questions. That way, when I get back, I can go back to business as usual. Thanks for all your kind words and support.