Nobody Cares That You’re Single

I’m going to warn people that this will be a bit ranty. Note: This is directed at nobody in particular. It’s a generalized rant.

Honest to God…nobody gives a flying fuck that you’re single. Seriously. You are not some rare breed in the wild. When people ask you if you’re dating someone or if you’re married, they’re making conversation. That’s it. At best these people are guilty of being horrible conversationalists. Rarely is it ever about their fixation with being married or in a relationship. If anything, it’s about YOUR fixation with being married or in a relationship.

I’m in the midst of interacting with family members that I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. A few here and there ask me if I’m dating someone. I answer. That’s really as far as the conversation goes. I don’t get a ton of questions. Nor do I offer up many explanations. Family or not, I’m not discussing the details of my relationship. Why? Because I’m 43 years old. I’m past the point where I need their approval to date someone or not date someone. You know why? NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. They all have much bigger things going on in their individual lives than to get caught up in my dating travails.They’re being polite and trying to find a commonality to use to generate discussion and make things less awkward.

And really, if you don’t want people to identify or classify you as “single girl” then don’t write a goddamn blog that consists of little else other than your opinions of other people’s relationships and dating choices.  Don’t make 50% of your status updates or tweets about your love life, and don’t allow the majority of your conversations with friends to revolve around your really not terribly atypical sex or love lives. What? That guy you met on OKCupid turned out not to want a relationship? He said he’d text and didn’t? Scandal! And PS?  Those annoying messages you get from guys online that you post to your Tumblr or whatever? Not nearly as entertaining as you think.  Hold on. Some guy called you sexy and used “u” for “you?” Good God, woman! Call HuffPo and alert them to this incredibly fascinating at not at all typical behavior.  Really. Nobody cares that you’re 50 and single. Nobody cares that you chose not to marry or have kids. Nobody ponders or is in awe of the complexities involved with your choice to have casual sex. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. You know who does give a shit? You. That’s about it.

If your life is about more than your relationship status, then write a blog about all these other magnificent things that occur in this fascinating, well rounded life you apparently lead. Or blog about Lolcats.

I don’t know.  Time for everybody to pull up their Big Girl Pants and stop thinking everything is about them. Life is about choices. If you own your choices and how they contributed to wherever you are in your life, then vapid conversations with strangers or relatives about whether or not you have a sweetheart won’t even register with you. Even if those people are baffled by the fact that you’re single, that’s about their own limited life experience and understanding of the world around them. It’s not about you. No matter how much you want it to be, it’s just not.

You are not special or unique because you’re single

You are not special or unique because you chose not to get married.

You are not special or unique because you got a poorly written message on OKCupid.

You are not special or unique because some dude from Plenty of Fish blew you off.

You are not special or unique because some guy hasn’t dumped you yet.

You are not special or unique because you omigod got to change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship.”

You are not special or unique for not understanding why some women engage in casual sex.

You are not special or unique because you got laid.

All women do by wailing or bragging about these sort of things is reveal that, by their late twenties or thirties or freakin’ forties, they have yet to develop appropriate expectations and dating/coping skills. In other words, you make it abundantly clear to people why you are single. So sorry to break that to you because I know it’s really, really important to you that everybody believe you’ve chosen this life and you have standards, blah blah. Yeesh. Enough. Time to rise to the challenge, kids.

Like I said. Ranty.



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22 Responses to “Nobody Cares That You’re Single”

  1. Amy Says:

    All good points (and enjoyably ranty). But you could totally write the same thing to parents – i.e. Your child is not special or unique because she mispronounces some word in a cute way. Your child is not special or unique because he pooped in the potty for the first time. Etc ad nauseum. Or to brides – you are not special or unique because he proposed. You are not special or unique because your dress has ruching. And so on. Maybe you see it more because you read dating blogs, but it is RAMPANT on mommy blogs and marriage forums as well.

    Do you think that we are just an incredibly narcissistic generation? (Not everyone, but a higher percentage than in previous ones) It feels to me like all this self-esteem stuff run amok.

    Hope you’re doing ok……

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      What it is about is certain women’s inability to take responsibility for their lives. This post was inspired by another blog post I read this morning. It was all about how these two women sat down next to her and were just BAFFLED by how this woman was single. Baffled. Just a bunch of self-important, self-indulgent nonsense.

    • Howard Says:

      I always wanted to learn another language quite fluently, not barely conversational, as my french and spanish is, but I still don’t know a language fluently like that. And the only reason, is because I didn’t fully make it a priority for all it entailed.

      It’s the same way about being married or having a significant relationship. People don’t make it a priority enough to do all that is entailed to make it happen, instead they whine and bitch about their specialness.

      There is a paradigm of Vctims vs Villians. People like to play the victim and in order to do that, they have to make others villians. We see this when relationships end. We see this when relationships don’t get off the ground. We this this in gender issues and race issues. We even see this with issues concerning wealth and status.

      And success at anything only comes when we stop playing victim and own our bullshit. Yes the world is unfair, but most times that is not the primary cause of our failures, it’s us. My momma always says.

      “If we could find the person causing most of our problems and kick his or her ass, we wouldn’t have a butt to sit on”,

  2. Selena Says:

    True – nobody cares if you are single. They don’t care if you are married or ‘in a relationship’ either.

  3. Erin Says:

    Even with all you are going through you are still making us laugh!!!!! This was a great post and should be mandatory reading to the Universe!!! Amy I sat nodding in complete agreement with you as I read your comment. As someone who got married at the very tender innocent age of 41, at the time I felt like I was the only one in the universe not married. Obviously, I was surrounded by family and friends who were all married. I never saw marriage as a goal, achievement, accomplishment, etc. Even from my 20’s I thought it would be nice if I met someone I could truly love for a lifetime. I never went searching for it. I sat through countless conversations of people asking about “Why I was not Married”. I wish I could have read this post by Chris many years ago. Now, with the benefit of the experience of the last 12 years, I know Chis is 100% right. It never had anything to do with me, it was people’s lack of conversational skills and also I believe the lack of much going on in their own lives that made them so inquisitive into mine. Also, looking back, it was the people who had the most screwed up marriages that were always the most interested in why I was not married. From my experiences, I have NEVER once uttered the words to anyone “Why aren’t you married” or the ” Is he going to Propose” or any of those stupid questions people asked me!!!

    For the record, the ironic thing in life is, the questions never stop. You think if you get married well then you have that big accomplishment (said sarcastlcly) and now the questions stop. No, as soon as you get married “Well now, when are you going to have a baby” Well now when are you going too give them a little brother or sister” Well now are they going to the right preschool, kindergarden etc,” Well now do you have them doing all the right activities” Well now do they have a boyfriend, did they get asked to prom, where are they going to college, are they getting married, are you going to be a grandparent” The questions never stop with people who don’t have a life of their own. Really, that has to be it because I agree with Chris that no one really gives a shit but most keep right on asking those questions throughout your life.

    To every single person reading this blog the most important thing I could add is the fact that there are many wonderful obvious benefits to being married to the right person but what so many people do not realize until after the fact is if you are not married to your best friend you stand a huge chance of being miserable. I agree with all the people who have gone before me that any individual would be better off single than being miserable married. The secret to a truly happy marriage is being married to someone who when they are sick you truly WANT to stop your life until you can help them get better and they would do the same to you. It is not having a perfect life but having a person at your side that you feel perfect together. It really is true that even after 50 you don’t feel different in your head (when you are around people much younger and you hear them talking you realize wow all that was a long time ago in your own life) and it is not about wanting to be younger or the GOD FORBID PATHETIC “I’M 40, 45, 50, 55 ETC., and beyond but everyone thinks I look so much younger) you honest to GOD, if you are healthy, feel about the same. The things you want to do may change somewhat as you get older but if you were a fun athletic person when you were young you still want to go out and be active as you get older.

    None of us know what is going to happen in our lives. Even when you eat right, don’t smoke, exercise, do all the things you are suppose to do you can still get sick. YOU want someone at your side who will defend you, protect you, love you and just want to be with you whether you are having a blast doing all the fun things you love to do or if you get sick and can no longer do those things.

    Chris has told stories about her DAD and Step-Mom, I know from my own parents who were married for 60 years when my Dad passed away and from my older brother who sadly passed away too young from cancer but had never dated anyone but his wife and was married for 32 years when he died that ultimately LOVE is always carrying that one someone special person in your heart that you think of before you do anything stupid. Even as people cannot do all the things they did when they were young, you see true love evolves into something you cannot put into words. We all hope we will never get sick and we will always be vital and capable of doing anything we want and for those who are that lucky WOW but if you live long enough most people encounter sickness in some form and it is when the road of life is less than perfect that you realize if you married the right person.

    I feel truly blessed to have found that person in my husband and neither one of us ever takes anything for granted and we are happy for the gift of each day together. And, luckily we are both healthy but we have seen friends and family be sick and no matter how old you are when you get married YOU want that person to be the person who will be at your side every step of the way. I know this got a little off topic but the gist is truly the questions never stop with some people but if you chose the right person it just gives you one more thing to laugh about together when THOSE people keep asking you those stupid questions!!!

  4. SN Says:

    I love this post. I agree completely. My only comment is that I moved to the South a few years ago, and it did become an issue until I learned to sidestep the question of “Are you married?”

    If I didn’t learn to say “No, I’m from NY” quickly and change the subject I got the craziest follow up question I ever heard: “You’re not even divorced?” I swear, I heard it 4 times.

    • wishing u well Says:

      I completely co-sign on this. When I visit my sister in NC and we go out, it’s the same reaction with an additional follow up question: “You don’t have any children yet either?”

  5. Really? Says:

    OMG, this is priceless! Good read Moxie!

  6. Mark Says:

    Valid points of the original post. Sorry that it was under those circumstances. Still….

    Just take a step back and look at it. I say that because invariably you ask who is the most important person in your life (generally speaking)? Well, for each of us it shouldn’t be a surprise is that it is ourselves. So naturally we would tend to focus on those things that impact our own individual lives. It is also fair to say that because of that perspective we tend to look at the world through that vision.

    But for others, they have their own lives that they are leading. Be they family members, close friends, casual acquaintances, co workers, and any one else for that matter. Their own interests, concerns, goals and aspirations. This is the crux of the original post. It’s very likely that they may not mirror our own. Either in priority or degree of interest.

    The issue still remains: What is it you want in life and what are you doing about it?

    So very astute conclusions were made by Moxie.

  7. fuzzilla Says:

    When I checked my e-mail I saw this video in yahoo news (yes, I still use yahoo) that was an interview with with a relationship advice type person. I was like “is that Moxie?” It isn’t, but the subject matter and the vaguely similar face and hair made me do a double-take:

  8. anna Says:

    am sending this to ALL my single GF’s…brilliant!

  9. Anonymouse Says:

    Ironic post considering the name of the blog.

  10. Reader Says:

    I strongly disagree that “nobody cares” whether or not a woman is single. With women, their dating status and lifestyle arouse a great deal of interest and commentary, not only on the part of their family and friends, but also the wider society, which constantly dissects and judges their choices.

    When a young woman goes to the doctor’s for a regular check-up visit, the very first thing she is asked is whether she has a boyfriend, and if not, what her reproductive plans are. Yes, this is still happening in 2012, and you don’t need to argue the contrary, because we all know it’s true. How is that “not caring” about the woman’s marital status? Society is very interested.

    Or, take pop culture. The HBO hit series “Girls,” which has thousands of editorials and op-eds devoted to it seemingly every day, is a neverending debate about women’s dating choices and lifestyles, with thousands of “pundits” (even in papers like the New York Times and Newsweek) constantly spending their precious time weighing in on who these girls are dating, why, and whether they should be. Never mind that these are fictional characters — even those are enough to ignite an obsessive fascination with how women are pursuing their dating lives! Same with “Sex And The City.”

    It’s totally false that no one cares what women are up to. With men, perhaps. But for women, whether it’s on Facebook, in the media, or in the doctor’s office, women’s dating lives are constantly in the spotlight, and never lacking in judgmental commentary (positive or negative).

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      When a young woman goes to the doctor’s for a regular check-up visit, the very first thing she is asked is whether she has a boyfriend, and if not, what her reproductive plans are.

      Yes, and do you know why the doctors ask those questions? Because they need information. They want to know if the woman is having sex regularly. When I got to my Doctor, I’m asked all kinds of questions like whether or not I’ve had an abortion, family history, sexual history etc. That information is important. It’s not a judgment call. What do you think, that these doctors went to medical school to become high paid busy bodies? They aren’t judging her sexual choices. They are gathering up data so that they can make appropriate recommendations and have as accurate a history as possible. They are asking specific questions that might lead to other questions, like what kind of birth control woman is using, etc. I’m sorry, but this is the kind of self-absorbed, self-victimizing nonsense I can’t stand.

      It’s totally false that no one cares what women are up to. With men, perhaps. But for women, whether it’s on Facebook, in the media, or in the doctor’s office, women’s dating lives are constantly in the spotlight, and never lacking in judgmental commentary (positive or negative).

      Do you think there’s any correlation between men’s sexual/romantic choices not being questioned and the fact that they typically don’t run to a blog or Facebook or Twitter to yap about their sex and love lives? Don’t want people judging your personal choices? Keep them to yourself.

      Women’s sexual/dating choices are in the spotlight because they put them there. These women are either misguided or have huge chips on their shoulders and feel compelled to justify their choices to a bunch of people who either don’t matter or don’t give a shit. Live your god damn life and stop seeking approval all the time. Then maybe people will stop yapping.

      Or, take pop culture. The HBO hit series “Girls,” which has thousands of editorials and op-eds devoted to it seemingly every day, is a neverending debate about women’s dating choices and lifestyles

      Right, because Lena Dunham decided that her experiences and those of her friends were so unique that they just HAD to be shared. I don’t even watch that tripe. Oh yay, another group of self-involved whiny white women who date assholes whining about dating assholes. How original. The whole cast consists of offspring of famous people, too. That’s part of the reason why that show got so much buzz. I’d say 80% of the pieces I’ve read that have been written about that show were written by women. Did men get this excited when Entourage came out? I don’t recall this much hype or hulabaloo then.

      Never mind that these are fictional characters — even those are enough to ignite an obsessive fascination with how women are pursuing their dating lives!

      Yes, because those four women on that show are glorious trainwrecks. That’s why people watch.That’s why many people read dating blogs, too. It’s the rubber necking factor that draws people in. What does it say about women that so many women now identify with these characters? The same thing it said about women who identified with Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda.

      That’s not a good thing.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        This is an excellent response and let me add this. Moxie chose a somewhat hyperbolic term “nobody cares” which confuses the Ausbergers victims here. Obviously, people who care about you, care about whether or not you’re happy, and to the extent they think you’re unhappy being single, they might ask you about it or express concern. Put aside those people who genuinely care about you.

        Everyone else, for the most part, only “cares” about your relationship status, if at all, to the extent they are jealous of your status because they are struggling or they are not struggling and are happy to be doing better than you. Its not that they actually care in the ordinary sense of the word. And, for the most part, I agree this is just the stuff of awkward or innocent chit chat and most people aren’t even listening to the answers.

  11. Reena Says:

    I like this very much. but being 42 and still effin single, it bothers me to go to events. Family reunions, weddings.. i can’t help but feel judged by family members.. and thats the thing that hurts.

    You say no one gives a shit..umm, i beg to differ.. Family and Friends want you to find someone..

    I dont think everything is about me, but I do absolutely 100 percent feel judged b/c i am alone, no boyfriend and no children..

    I didn’t choose to not get married, i just have had bad luck in love.. iw ould love to be sucks being single on so many levels..and I will say, Im not unattractive and very confident.. date a lot..

    I admire your writing and ranting, its pretty entertaining and funny…but I dont think everyone that is single is self absorbed.. just want to find love and not feel like an odd duck!

    • dimplz Says:

      There’s no such thing as bad luck, only bad decisions. I speak from experience.

    • Snowflake Says:

      Well said Dimplz! I had the same said to me by my boss when I was feeling sorry for myself one day, he smacked some reality into my brain and said the exact same thing. Then I found a new mantra, “Good Decisions come from Experience, and Experience comes from Bad Decisions.”

  12. Reena Says:

    ok, Dimpiz, thank u for responding.. so thats your opinion? seeing as you don’t know me,but on paper, i am 42 and single..ur saying ive just made all bad decisions, that is my not sure I agree but i will try to see it from that point of view.

    i know i have to take responsibilty, but i feel like i do everything i can..

    i have probably made some bad decisions so i can own that.


    • dimplz Says:

      Don’t get me wrong – I’ve heard some horror stories – people falling in love and having two fiancees die on them, but for the most part, those are freak incidents and definitely outside the norm. I’ve had not so great relationships, but I picked them. It’s no biggie. Everyone does it. I just think if you continue to tell yourself those things, you can alleviate yourself of all responsibility, and we all know that’s not possible. We all make choices, and sometimes they lead to bad things. We aren’t being led around like clay figurines in “Clash of the Titans,” and believing that our fates have been laid out for us has gone the way of Antigone and Oedipus. We make our lives for the most part, and we make our own happiness and reality, trusting our instincts, our higher power, God, whatever your flavor is. :)

  13. ihate people like you Says:

    “You are not special or unique for not understanding why some women engage in casual sex.”

    Fuck you and your stupid blog!

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