Here’s an interesting post that I believe demonstrates how women both don’t want and choose to ignore the truth when it is presented to them.
First, we have a prolonged amount of talking/chatting/conversation before meeting. Then we have the fact that he was newly out of a long term relationship. When a man tells you that he’s fresh off a break up, what he’s really telling you is that he’s looking for something casual at best. That should be a given. Most people tend to take a break from commitment or anything serious after they end a relationship. That’s the norm. So someone who doesn’t should automatically set off the warning bells inside you. Making this intention even more clear is the fact that he is revealing something to you that might make him a liability. A man looking for something substantive that goes beyond casual IS NOT going to do that.
We all have those things that we keep to ourselves because we are concerned that they might make someone see us differently. Everyone has them. Whether people like to embrace this concept or not, dating successfully requires that people know to keep certain things to themselves. Yes, that sometimes means being dishonest. Or, at the very least, not offering full disclosure too soon. There’s a good kind of vulnerable and a bad kind of vulnerable. The good kind involves making ourselves available emotionally and demonstrating how supportive and nurturing we can be. The bad kind of vulnerability involves making ourselves seem fragile, weak or broken. If you wish to have more dating success, then you have to learn to walk this line. You are not obligated to put all your cards on the table.
The people who reveal bits of info that put their intentions and capabilities into question do it for one of two reasons: either they’re socially clueless OR they are not looking for anything terribly serious. Now, how do you tell one from the other? You give it time. That is the only way to know for sure. The scary part is that many people aren’t even aware of how they sabotage themselves with this kind of transparency. Those people are going to be difficult to date.
Now, as for his sense that she wanted more than he did. I don’t necessarily believe that this is a case of a man freaking out or being full of himself. I tend to think that his instincts were correct. That’s how we ladies explain such behavior because it takes the burden off of us. If a man says to you that he thinks things might be moving too fast or that you might be more invested than he is, he’s probably right. If he begins to feel bad for not meeting what he believes is an expectation placed upon him by you, that is enough to make him take a step back. Maybe the expectation exists, maybe it doesn’t. Doesn’t matter. If he believes it’s there, there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t waste your time making it about how arrogant the man is or how he’s projecting. Focus on paying attention to very clear warnings signs that they display, like saying they want to take things slow, delaying the first meeting and telling you they are fresh out of a relationship. Also avoid going public, in any way, about the relationship or the guy. I don’t care if it’s a one off tweet or brief mention. Keep that stuff to yourself in the beginning.
Just by mentioning it, however briefly, you are revealing that that person is on your mind and that you are thinking about him. We do stuff like this for two reasons. One, we want everybody to know someone has stuck around. Two, we’re hoping that man will read what we write and feel complimented. Again, let’s look at the baseline or norm. Men have a sense of where they stand with us. That’s enough as long as things are progressing and there’s minimal resistance. They don’t need to see it written on a blog or Facebook. The action of going public with such info in and of itself speaks volumes about our level of investment.
Before women say that that is a sign of the man’s cowardice and immaturity, consider this. Seeing a woman’s intentions in black and white forces men to confront how they feel about her. Possibly too soon or before they’ve developed an informed opinion. I believe men prefer to come to these decisions on their own and in their own time. His choice to speak up and slap a disclaimer on things could strictly be a flight or fight response. Whatever the motivator, if he decides to put the brakes on, he’s being honest.
Just because it’s an inconvenient truth doesn’t make it any less compassionate or credible. Often times when a man does give a woman the truth, many women process said truth through their personal filters. It’s like a game of telephone that we play with ourselves. Only, by the time the message gets to our brain, we have distorted it so that it fits our inner narrative.
The man in this story was being as honest as he could be. Sometimes, that’s all people can offer due to their own limitations. It’s up to us to process and accurately decipher the truths people choose to share.