Question: I broke up with my ex about three months ago and have decided to start dating again. I’m not ready for a serious relationship at this point and am just looking to date and hook-up. Emailed a man on Ok Cupid who was clear about not looking for anything serious. His profile said he was interested in short term dating, new friends and casual sex. I told him we seemed to be looking for the same thing. We set up a night to meet. The day before our date he emailed me and asked if we could meet in my neighborhood. He explained that his apartment was currently undergoing repairs and wasn’t fit for company. I didn’t say anything sexual to him or in my profile. Now I’m not sure I want to meet him. What do you think?
I think he assumed, when you said you and he were looking for the same thing, that you were looking for casual sex. That is probably why he felt so comfortable being presumptuous. In theory, if all you’re looking for is to casually date and hook-up, then I don’t see why you wouldn’t go out with this guy.For future reference, telling someone that you believe you and they are looking for the same thing is unspoken code for “I want sex.”
Since you’re hesitant, let’s examine the possible reasons why:
1. You don’t really want anything casual - You should probably understand that there is no such thing as “casual dating” that doesn’t involve sex. No guy is going to hang out with you and hold hands and neck on the couch. So if you don’t plan on having sex, stay home. If you are looking for something casual, all those adorable rules about who pays and how many dates you wait should not be applied.
2. You’re not ready to date at all - I understand the need to get back on the horse. But keep in mind that you’re dealing with other people’s time, money and possible emotions. If you find a reason to bail on every possible date, you’re not ready. Don’t waste people’s time.
3. You were turned off by how casual he seemed about sex
To me, his behavior says, “I do this all the time.” That would bother me. The expectation of sex wouldn’t make me uncomfortable. It would be the expression of the expectation that left a bad taste in my mouth. (Hah! Get it???)
A sign like that, to me, is indicative of other possible interpersonal issues. It would also say to me that this guy really didn’t care if he presented himself in a negative light. Let’s be honest, even if you are just looking for a casual hook-up, there’s still the possibility that there won’t be mutual physical attraction once you meet. That he was already planning where you two would go after the date tells me, or at least suggests, that this guy was going to have sex with you whether he was attracted to you or not. He should have just gone with it and let things unfold organically. Instead he pretty much put a disclaimer on the date. You already know where he expected it to end up. No mystery, no excitement. That’s way too cut and dry for me.
This is where critical thinking should be employed. If you find yourself in a situation like this you need to ask yourself why someone would feel so comfortable having such expectations and expressing them. Someone who is what I call a “good dater” would be more delicate. They’d know that they might be shooting themselves in the foot. You want to go out with the “good daters” and avoid the “bad daters.” The bad daters are going to burn you out. Unless you explicitly stated that you planned on having sex with him, this guy shouldn’t have been so upfront. Be cool, baby. Be cool.
Look, maybe it’s been a while and he’ll take what he can get. We’ve all been there. But at least pretend you have standards. I don’t want to know that you possibly screw anything with a pulse or that you have no options. Or that you’re possible a sex addict. (Yes, that’s a real addiction. Yes, online dating is a haven for sex addicts.) That may be the case. I just don’t want to know or suspect that.
Right now, you’re somewhat vulnerable. You’re cautious. I’m not sure getting together with a guy like this is going to be healthy for you. This guy isn’t just hoping for sex. He’s expecting it. I don’t think you want to put yourself in a situation like this just now. Things could get uncomfortable and possibly ugly.