Question: I will describe the circumstances of my recent first date and then ask a couple of questions. Met a girl online and we exchanged a few emails and phone calls and set up the date. Since I recently moved to her area, I suggested we go to a Houlihans or TGIFridays for drinks since I didnt know any other places. Besides, I was familiar with those establishments atmosphere wise and price wise. She then said she preferred a wine bar she frequently goes to instead. I agreed.
We each had 2 glasses of wine (way more expensive than Houlihans or Fridays) and after 2 hours she said she had to leave. The conversation up to that point I thought went very well and there was even some minor shoulder touching when we spoke. SO at that point I knew I enjoyed it more than her. When the bill came, she didnt offer to pay but did say thanks.
When I walked her to her car, I got the cheek kiss and a hug. At that point it was obvious she wasnt interested and we parted. The next day she sends me an email saying I was sweet but not right for each other.
Now the questions. Since she didnt feel anything, should she have stopped after the first glass of wine and maybe had water or soda instead? If she did order the second glass, should she have at least offered to pay when the bill came? This bugs me because she upped the ante on my original suggestion to a more upscale place from Houlihans to that wine bar. Had the same scenario played out in my original offer, it would have cost far less.
I feel like she was in a win-win situation. She gets a potential connection or else a free night at an upscale place. She says she dates frequently and has been on all the dating sites for years (she told me this in person on the date). Sounds to me like she knew exactly what she was doing. Am I being too sensitive about this? At least I found out about a cool new place for any future second or third dates with another girl.
She says she dates frequently and has been on all the dating sites for years (she told me this in person on the date). Sounds to me like she knew exactly what she was doing.
No, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. If she did, she wouldn’t reveal something like this, as it makes her look horrible.
The reason why she’s been on these dating sites for years and has so many dates is because she sabotages herself by admitting things like this. No doubt she went back to her friends to retell her tale of the rube who invited her for apps and drinks at a chain restaurant. That is why she went out with you, whether she realizes it or not. She’s a lousy date who thinks she rocks first dates. I bet she just can’t figure out why oh why she can’t meet a “nice guy.”
And that’s why she’s single.
Now, as for you. The minute you suggested TGIFs, you were sunk. She saw you as the little deer in the field, all naive and wide eyed. Should she have ordered a glass of water or soda when she decided she wasn’t interested? No. She was in a wine bar. You don’t go to a wine bar and order soda or water. You should go into any date expecting to fork over X amount of dollars. (As should the woman, whether her gaggle of singleton girlfriends agree or not.) She was there so she could say she had a date, and she didn’t offer to pay because she needs to be able to say that she “never” pays for first dates. She was going to make the most of it. If you wanted her to pay her share, then you should have asked her to. Would you have come off cheap? Well, listen, you originally suggested Dave & Buster’s or whatever. You couldn’t have done much worse. But even if you did, who cares? The first clue that she was probably going to be difficult was that she took your suggestion and then, as you said, upped the ante. If someone says, “Hey, let’s get a pitcher of beers and wings!” what they’re telling you is how much they expect to/can afford to pay. This is called reading the signals and social cues, people. To suggest that you and your date go some place that will probably cost twice as much not only shows your utter lack of social graces, but makes it abundantly clear to your date that you don’t give a hoot what they want.
This bugs me because she upped the ante on my original suggestion to a more upscale place from Houlihans to that wine bar.
You had two choices. You could have done your research and found another place, or you could have stuck to your original plan and shared breadsticks at The Olive Garden. You’re pissed because you were duped. And I do agree that you were duped. This woman knew exactly what she was walking in to when you suggested Houlihan’s. She took that ball and ran with it. She knew she wasn’t going to see you again. But it was a night out and a possible blog post or “funny” story she can tell the next time she’s out with perpetually single 40+ friends.
You see, we reveal a lot about ourselves and our dating history and experience when we make these seemingly off the cuff and innocent suggestions and statements. The trick is to pick up on these clues so you can devise an appropriate and productive course of action.
What did I learn about you? Well, for starters, I learned you don’t get out much, since you had no sense of where to take her for the date and you apparently didn’t think to use Google or Yelp and find a better spot. Then I learned that you’re kinda cheap. Which, sorry, you are if you thought Red Lobster was an ideal date spot. The fact that she suggested a more expensive place and the fact that she brayed about how long she’s been dating online and that she’s been on many dates shows she’s lacking in the self-awareness area, entitled and doesn’t actually want a relationship. She’s a lifer. She’ll be on those sites for years to come. Look for her text.
Going forward, you need to get a sense of your surroundings and get up to speed on good date spots. If you pick a spot (and the bar doesn’t have a Whack a Mole machine) and the woman renegs and suggests someplace else, know right then you’re in for some work and expect to spend more than you thought. Stick to your guns. If she bails, good riddance. Ladies, if it’s so important for you to be taken on a “proper” (read: “classy”) first date, then plan and pay for it. I don’t think you gals understand….these guys don’t have to go out with you. They likely have plenty of other options.
Even the average looking dudes.