The Trouble With Using Sex To Get A Guy To Notice You

July 6th, 2012

Dating, Servicey!, Sex, Texting

Name: Anna
Age: 29
State: England
Question: I have been flirting with this guy. Online and in person. But I recently told him I had a dirty dream about him and he didn’t respond asking me for details. I thought this was strange. Does this mean he isn’t in to me anymore?


It probably means he’s waiting for you to extrapolate on said sexy dream. You need to understand that many people know when they are being baited. You were baiting him, wanting him to show you that he was interested in hearing this sexy dream. The problem with that is that, even if he did show interest, that doesn’t mean he actually cares.

Someone said in the comments recently that guys might sext with a woman that he’s not attracted to just to jerk off. It doesn’t really mean anything. Neither does flirting. Flirting is easy to do, and often times it’s done with absolutely no intention other than to get attention.

You’re a woman of almost 30. Not a teenager. If you want this guy to know about all the fantasies swirling around in your head, you need to tell him. You also need to learn when you’re being used for an ego or penis stroke. If he didn’t respond or follow up with you, then it’s safe to say that you’re just someone he uses for an ego stroke. You gave him an opening to make plans to hook up. He didn’t take it. Move on. If he wanted you, or if you were anywhere near the top of his dating queue, he’d try to see you. But of course, he’d do that expecting to have sex with you. So if you don’t plan on putting out, it’s best that you let this sleeping dog lie. If you do hook up with him, you’ll wonder if he “only” wanted sex and things will eventually unravel.

This is the problem with using sex to get a guy’s attention. In most cases, we’re only using it because we feel we have to. Not because we want to. If that’s the case, then that should tell you how interested these men are.

We’ve talked about the articles from The Frisky where the author publicly discusses her kinkiness and love of spankings. I’m also sure you’ve read countless other articles and blogs from women braying about how sexual they are. Nine times out of ten, those women freeze up or implode when it comes time to have sex. They want the guy to be more gentlemanly or show them more favor before they ever gain access to their naughty bits. That’s because the person they project publicly or outwardly is not aligned with who they really are.

You can be as sexually assertive as you like. But if you can not handle the fact that that man will actually want to have sex with you, or will take that ball and run with it and speak to or treat you as a woman who likes sex, then you need to keep this stuff to yourself.

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7 Responses to “The Trouble With Using Sex To Get A Guy To Notice You”

  1. Eliza Says:

    Very well put! Don’t portray yourself as someone you are clearly uncomfortable being ultimately.
    With women like this, it’s no wonder men get so frustrated…and I guess this is what they deem to be “mind games”. Don’t understand why men AND women can just be themselves and honest with what they want/need.

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      First, people *are* being themselves. People are complicated.

      second, you can’t be honest about what you want/need if you don’t understand what you want/need.

  2. Allan Says:

    It’s really quite simple, if a woman entices a guy with sex, then it is quite possible that the only common ground is sex. In cases like that there can be no expectations of anything more substantial. Furthermore, consciously or not, both parties realize that this shared passion is basically a commodity, so there is little stopping your partner from seeking an equivalent arrangement elsewhere when the initial novelty wears off.

    There are no shortcuts to getting to know someone gradually. And though it is possible that simple seduction leads to something more substantial; generally it’s not a good way to forge a strong relationship where both people share a lot of common ground.

  3. jesse Says:

    It would have never occurred to me that if someone told me that they had a dirty dream about me expected me to ask about the details too.

    • Allan Says:

      I am not following the logic that a guy who is interested in knowing more about an erotic dream would avoid asking for details. In my experience most men have no problem asking “And what happened then?”. More often I have found that when the conversation goes in a undesired direction a guy will just let it hang or even change the subject.

      Some say that they do not like games. That;s both an oversimplification, and probably untrue. Actually there are good games, like dropping hints about a show one wants to see, and bad games which mislead. I’m not seeing a constructive outcome here, so I’m thinking this falls in the latter category.

      • Angeline Says:

        I think those examples both fall into the bad games territory. IMO, it implies “I’m hoping you’re going to pay, and invite me along if I hint like a kid wanting cookies”. Just come out with “I’d like to see – show. Wanna go?” Hinting about sex, when you actually want to engage in sex = fun, flirty game. Good game.
        “I had a naughty dream about you” = “I want you to think about me and I suspect you aren’t, so I’ll say something calculated to draw you in, but don’t you go all sex-sex-sex on me.” Bad game. As Moxie says, there’s an excellent probability that the OP would be shocked and outraged if the guy responded in an overtly sexual way to that.

  4. Selena Says:

    You wrote you’ve been flirting with this person online and in person. You didn’t mention that he had ever asked you out. Are you sure he’s not ‘taken’?

    A single guy who was interested I’d expect to ask for details about the sexy dream – great fodder for flirting. And the possibility of more. ;) Someone who ‘s not exactly single – but flirts as a kind of extracurricular activity – might feel the situation went too far. And backed off.

    Something feels off about this. I’m guessing girlfriend in the picture.

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