The other day I told a story of how a man had viewed my dating profile a few times but never contacted me. When I 
took the initiative and contacted him, he replied and explained that the reason why he had viewed my profile multiple times without contacting me was “I wasn’t 100% on attraction. Though it’s hard to gauge that from a few pics on here.”
This guy also mentioned, while answering one of the man OKCupid questions about dating, that he would need to email with someone for a couple of days before meeting them. That was enough for me to delete his message and block/hide him. A couple of guys took issue with that decision.
Moxie
This quote from above has me stumped… “He said that he usually needs to email with someone for a couple days before meeting.Delete. Block”
I understand your personal preference is not to email back and forth, but isnt it a bit harsh to be a complete dealbreaker? There are many women who dont mind a few emails or phonecalls. I think to be fair to the guys, you can send your own email (after they initially contact you) stating that you are interested but dont want to talk or email beyond setting up a date. Give them a chance to meet your requirement. – John
If you are deleting and then blocking him, it sounds to me like you are the one afraid of wasting their time. You say its only 60 minutes. But how much time would you spend reading/writing emails or on the phone prior to meeting? Combined, I bets its less than 60 minutes. – M.
To which I replied:
If someone says something like “I’m not 100% on attraction” they either aren’t interested or are baiting you. Nobody should ever take such bait. The only people who would take that bait are people without options or don’t know their own value. I am neither.
This is why people get so frustrated. They spin their wheels and devote energy to people that were never all that interested in the first place because they feel they have no other options.
A key skill that all daters need to hone is knowing when someone is baiting them or trying to force them to explain or prove themselves. Peppermint said it best:
I’ll share whatever information you need, within reason, to make a decision but not if you hold it up as a challenge. The burden of proof is not on me to overcome your doubts and reservations. Either you want to meet up or you don’t, we’re both taking a chance here.
I can remember another guy, right after I told him what I did for a living, replying and telling me how he had recently been critiqued on a dating website without his knowledge. The woman in question uploaded his photo and linked to his profile. Because of that, he was uncomfortable meeting up with me. (Thanks, trainwreck dating blogger!*) When I told my friend M. about it, his answer was simple.
“Move on. He’s telling you how he feels about what you do for a living. End of story.”
I’ve noticed that a lot of men and women, knowingly or not, lay out these little traps in their profiles and communications. They give reasons why someone shouldn’t contact them. Or they make provocative statements in their ad. Statements like that are included with the intention of stirring up controversy of some kind. People like that should be avoided, as they are looking for reasons to blow people off. They might not be aware of it, but that’s typically the end result.Those people don’t really want to meet anyone. They want to say that they’re flexible and open minded, but they’re really not. They are single because they want to be single or only seek attention. They just don’t know it or are in denial.
*This sort of thing needs to stop, too. You know, I’m just going to say it and it might not be all that popular. Nine times out of ten, the people who tweet out photos from guy’s profile photos, or put them on blast via Facebook or Twitter by publicly listing their profile name are almost always unattractive themselves in some way. Rarely do you see someone attractive, sane and healthy behaving like this. Yes, I know, you think you’re doing people some kind of service by “warning” them about the “douchebag” you met online. You can do that without violating their privacy. A few years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about posting someone’s profile here. But now, between Google Image Search and all the other ways to find/track people and how accessible we are, it’s just not right. I’ve really grown to loathe these blogs that post and mock people’s profiles and emails. They’re not funny or entertaining. Don’t go screwing with someone else’s experience just because you delude yourself into believing you can do better. More than likely, you can’t.
I’m confused. It was ok to link to someone profile back then, but now it’s not ok. No, it was never ok to link to someone’s profile. Just say you don’t do it anymore because you have matured. You don’t need a crutch from google et al.
This is the crux of the problem in the dating world. Even when people are wrong, they want to find some way to be right. That’s why so many people are right alone! Oh, and if you call anyone out, you get the typical “you too” thrown back at you.
Now to the subject at hand. If a guy is not 100% on attraction, it means, he likes your face, but given the deceptive photos that typically get posted, he is not sure about your body. If you want to block him, that’s up to you, but just clarifying what he meant. He probably thought your face was attractive, but was wondering if you were overweight.
Proving one self: Well female daters started that. Some males stole the concept, now we have an epidemic going both ways. I always maintain. One doesn’t need any traps or testing to find someone. People will screw up on their own or pleasantly surprise you on their own. Just give them the chance to do that.
The guy who balked after you told him what you did for a living was entiled to that if he felt uncomfortable with bloggers. I distinctly remeber you being uncomfortable with the guy who brings up you being a blogger, when you hadn’t mentioned it. It’s the same issue about privacy. We have to give people their right to be concerned about their privacy especially if it is so important to us. If fact the back-handed way he expressed his concern was just his way of nicely expressing his concern.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Stating “I’m not 100% on attraction” is an insult, plain and simple. Even if he thought it, there was no reason to write it. The guy was either socially clueless or deliberately insulting as part “game” of some type.
If a person accepts a high and direct level of rudeness (masked as “bold honesty”) prior to or on a first date, they can expect a lot more of it later on.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Reading is essential, Speed. I never justified what this guy said. Go back and read what I said. It was a call to adjust one’s profile to promote clarity, so that one does not have to deal with the rather clueless poor communicator coming up with this.
But then again some people do like having their profile as misleading. They are very overweight but will craft their profile where they are slightly overweight. The funny thing is that these same very overweight people, want nothing to do with their counterparts, very overweight people of the opposite sex. So on some level, they know being very overweight is not a good thing.
I don’t do online anymore, but when I did, 80% of the women I met, had more weight on them than their profile represented. In fact in some cases, it was not a problem, so it was as a deception that was not necessary. I still believe, listing as slender when one was more like average is deceptive. Or listing as average when one is slightly overweight, is also deceptive. It got to the point where one was tempted to size up in one’s head from what a woman stated in her profile or portrayed in her pics. Trying to be fair, I would avoid that mechanism or the clueless guy’s inquiry. The net result was often wasted time.
And to be fair, there are guys that pull the same stunt with outdated pics where they had hair and/or were buff. The decpetive nature of online profiles is definitely what got me out of the online game.
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“I’m not 100% on attraction”? Block. Anyone who writes this is a moron.
The only thing an online photo can tell me is whether I am definitely not attracted to someone. Yes, it’s based on physical appearance, but if someone is grossly overweight or just extremely unattractive, sorry, I’m not going to be interested. I don’t really care if that’s shallow or not, attraction is attraction and it can’t be faked. I might be missing out on meeting some great women, but that’s a chance I’ll take.
Once I’ve determined, based on photos and profile–yes, I read them–that someone meets at least the minimum of attractiveness, I’m happy to meet for a drink (though, like everyone else, I’ll of course go for the more attractive and work my way down the list…).
There are so many elements that go into what builds attraction and most of them can only be determined in person. It’s the combination of physical attractiveness, personality, sense of humor, sociability, etc. that creates attraction and only one part of that–and that only partially–can be judged by looking at a photo or reading a profile.
I’ve had dates where a woman and I have had a pleasant time, but where there was no attraction. Frankly, some of those dates have been quite fun, in a way. Once I’ve realized that, unfortunately or not, there really isn’t any attraction–not just no “chemistry” but just no sparks at all, nada–I relax and just go with the flow. Perfectly nice women, just not interested in a second date.
So, anyone who has to be “100%” based on a photo is a moron. I don’t date morons…
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In sales, there’s a technique called “takeaway selling.” If someone is putting up lots of objections because they want to be convinced or just can’t make a decision, I’ll say, “Well, maybe this isn’t a good fit for you.” It’s funny how quickly they decide they’re interested.
It works in dating too. A few times, when a guy was hesitant about meeting up (hard to believe, I know), I’d say, “Well, we don’t have to meet” or “Maybe we should meet some other time when you’re not so busy.” I wasn’t bluffing or saying it to be manipulative; I really had no attachment to whether we met or not. Invariably, their response was, “Oh, no, I wanna meet.” Nothing helps people get clear on what they want like the possibility of having it taken away.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Nobody admits that they like to play games. In fact I’ll be there are more dating profiles for people who admit to disliking kittens. Yet here we are indulging in games. You have to take people at face value. Analyzing their motives is just a recipe for frustration, especially someone you never met.
Maybe this guy is trying to bait you, maybe he dislikes your skin tone, or taste in clothing, or he has underlying psychological issues (remember it’s typically not about you when others are rude). No matter what the reasoning is, let it go. While it may be tempting to get inside someone’s head and convince them that you are a great catch, this holds little promise of happiness. And why do we get hooked on someone based on a photo? The reasons are sadly powerful yet hardly significant in any real way. I know that there are certain facial types that I will go wild over, and I have to tell myself that unless she is interested in me within the first five minutes of meeting, she will never be inteerested. Of course in this case you are not even getting your five minutes, but there is no turning this around in the context of online dating
While there is something to be said for getting to know someone over several weeks, there is no way that can be done via sites like POF, Match etc. Those who do so are labeled time wasters (and many are just indulging in pen pal fantasy). The model for these sites is that people meet, write, decide that there is some real chemistry (which is unlikely to be genuine before meeting), then meet and confirm said chemistry. By the way I have had the wildest experiences (not necessarily good) from women in their late thirties who try to seal the deal with sex. If things get to this point we are left with nothing but games, and it’s a veritable hall of mirrors.
It’s really better to get to know people socially via outings and events. Then you can meet people without being called a time waster, get the scoop on those who are interested through mutual acquaintances and then slowly perhaps ease into a position where there is an mutually understood level of interest based on real attraction, not some contrived pseudo tribal courtship based on how well he tips, his car, or her choice in clothing.
For me on these dating sites, I try to get straight to meeting. Sadly I have little interest in writing over a week or more. In fact after some time doing this I start to be resentful (you can tell who is merely lonely and who is truly pressed for spare time).
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