The other day I told a story of how a man had viewed my dating profile a few times but never contacted me. When I took the initiative and contacted him, he replied and explained that the reason why he had viewed my profile multiple times without contacting me was “I wasn’t 100% on attraction. Though it’s hard to gauge that from a few pics on here.”
This guy also mentioned, while answering one of the man OKCupid questions about dating, that he would need to email with someone for a couple of days before meeting them. That was enough for me to delete his message and block/hide him. A couple of guys took issue with that decision.
This quote from above has me stumped… “He said that he usually needs to email with someone for a couple days before meeting.
I understand your personal preference is not to email back and forth, but isnt it a bit harsh to be a complete dealbreaker? There are many women who dont mind a few emails or phonecalls. I think to be fair to the guys, you can send your own email (after they initially contact you) stating that you are interested but dont want to talk or email beyond setting up a date. Give them a chance to meet your requirement. – John
If you are deleting and then blocking him, it sounds to me like you are the one afraid of wasting their time. You say its only 60 minutes. But how much time would you spend reading/writing emails or on the phone prior to meeting? Combined, I bets its less than 60 minutes. – M.
To which I replied:
If someone says something like “I’m not 100% on attraction” they either aren’t interested or are baiting you. Nobody should ever take such bait. The only people who would take that bait are people without options or don’t know their own value. I am neither.
This is why people get so frustrated. They spin their wheels and devote energy to people that were never all that interested in the first place because they feel they have no other options.
A key skill that all daters need to hone is knowing when someone is baiting them or trying to force them to explain or prove themselves. Peppermint said it best:
I’ll share whatever information you need, within reason, to make a decision but not if you hold it up as a challenge. The burden of proof is not on me to overcome your doubts and reservations. Either you want to meet up or you don’t, we’re both taking a chance here.
I can remember another guy, right after I told him what I did for a living, replying and telling me how he had recently been critiqued on a dating website without his knowledge. The woman in question uploaded his photo and linked to his profile. Because of that, he was uncomfortable meeting up with me. (Thanks, trainwreck dating blogger!*) When I told my friend M. about it, his answer was simple.
“Move on. He’s telling you how he feels about what you do for a living. End of story.”
I’ve noticed that a lot of men and women, knowingly or not, lay out these little traps in their profiles and communications. They give reasons why someone shouldn’t contact them. Or they make provocative statements in their ad. Statements like that are included with the intention of stirring up controversy of some kind. People like that should be avoided, as they are looking for reasons to blow people off. They might not be aware of it, but that’s typically the end result.Those people don’t really want to meet anyone. They want to say that they’re flexible and open minded, but they’re really not. They are single because they want to be single or only seek attention. They just don’t know it or are in denial.
*This sort of thing needs to stop, too. You know, I’m just going to say it and it might not be all that popular. Nine times out of ten, the people who tweet out photos from guy’s profile photos, or put them on blast via Facebook or Twitter by publicly listing their profile name are almost always unattractive themselves in some way. Rarely do you see someone attractive, sane and healthy behaving like this. Yes, I know, you think you’re doing people some kind of service by “warning” them about the “douchebag” you met online. You can do that without violating their privacy. A few years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about posting someone’s profile here. But now, between Google Image Search and all the other ways to find/track people and how accessible we are, it’s just not right. I’ve really grown to loathe these blogs that post and mock people’s profiles and emails. They’re not funny or entertaining. Don’t go screwing with someone else’s experience just because you delude yourself into believing you can do better. More than likely, you can’t.