Why Brutal Honesty In Your Profile Is a Bad Move

Here’s an interesting comment that someone left today in response to this post.:

I’ve only been doing this online dating thing for about a week and actually tried what you suggested from the start. I was contacted first by a gal in Croatia (I’m in the US) who just happened to like Asian men, so that was kind of intriguing. But I sent 3 messages out and got 0 responses. Granted, they were really cliche and stupid messages that just told the gal she’s pretty and if she’s interested. You know what I realized after looking at a few similar profiles of guys? Boring, predictable, creepy that he’d ask if I’m interested and not even worth replying to. Women can pick up on all the red flags when you lie, and obviously will if you ever meet them in person. So I figure, why not just go with the honest truth? Omitting stuff that would show your exact location and such of course. Updated my profile 2 days ago. The result?
******* says:

Your profile is the only profile I’ve actually ever thoroughly read and been impressed by. Kudos!

I received this message from a woman about 30 minutes after I updated my profile. I was so shocked since I was rather insecure about my life right now, so I sent a message to another woman that said she is brutally honest and won’t hold back. She said she really respected the honesty and it was a breath of fresh air. These are opinions from WOMEN guys, so don’t lie if you’re after a real relationship.

 

Since you linked to your profile in your comment, I took a look. (I removed the link.)  And, yes, for the most part you have a great profile. But you’re not understanding why these women are replying to you the way they are.

In your About Me Summary section you reveal that your “useless” father was abusive and didn’t work for twenty years. Then you share that you’re currently putting your brother through college and have become the head of your household and now have all the bills, car loan and house in your name. The piece de resistance is how you expound on how amazing your mother was for staying with your deadbeat Dad just so she could teach her children about how important it is to never give up on something.

You’re citing the 3 responses that you’ve received to this profile as proof that your “brutal honesty” works. You don’t mention actually getting dates from this ad, though. You just mention the responses.That’s the first hint that maybe your decision to overshare might not be the right one.

Basically, you’re pandering in this profile. You’re pretty much making yourself bait for every woman on that site who has an absentee/abusive father. These women aren’t impressed. They’re either identifying with you (Which, for the record, is a bad thing) or they feel sorry for you. Only a woman with an overly romanticized view of relationships/men would find those admissions “brave” and “refreshing.” You put your Mom on a pedestal (and I’m in no  way saying you shouldn’t have great respect for her), which appeals and speaks to every woman who has been cheated on, lied to, abused, used or dismissed for being “too intimidating.”These women define themselves by these experiences, which is why they find your profile so great.

You mention your financial stability as a way to convey that you’d be a great provider. Again, this is a great thing and you should be proud of that. But you’re feeding into the distorted images of men that many single women have. You’re basically presenting yourself like some character from a romance novel or prime time TV show. You’re that guy who had the bad childhood and went on to support your Mom and family after you Dad left who has now decided to seek out love. Now, maybe that doesn’t bother you. That’s fine. But women (people, really) to whom this image appeals don’t typically have many healthy ideas or experiences when it comes to dating and relationships.Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date them. I’m just giving you a heads up that dating them will probably be difficult.

Personally, I would immediately bail on your profile the moment you called your father abusive and useless. Drama. Issues. Lack of respect. That’s not someone I’d want to date. Having those opinions are fine. Sharing them on the internet, before I’ve even met you? Uh uh. No filters. No thanks. You lack boundaries and you appear to like/want an unusually high level of attention. The fact that you linked to your profile in your comment proves that to me. You wanted people to read your profile and tell you how refreshingly honest it was. You’re a liability, and there’s no way in hell that I would get myself involved with someone like that.

I would not hold someone’s childhood scars against them. That is, unless the broadcast those wounds before I got to know them. It’s not the experiences that would deter me. It would be the fact that that person couldn’t WAIT  to share those stories that would make me think twice. That, to me, means either he has built his identity around those experiences or hasn’t worked through them.

Now let’s address these emails complimenting you for your honesty. Do you understand that people – men and women – say that all the time? I can remember once taking your approach and writing a “brutally honest” profile. I shared that I ran a business that offered blow job classes. Hey! Guess what? A bunch of dudes appreciated my refreshing honesty. Of course, they also assumed my head would be in their lap after a couple of cocktails. But they didn’t say that, because then I might not go out with them. Complimenting someone’s honesty/writing skills/detail etc is just a way to score points. It’s actually pretty disingenuous.

That, as well as everything else I covered,  is why I wouldn’t get so excited about the results of your test.

Thoughts?

 

 

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50 Responses to “Why Brutal Honesty In Your Profile Is a Bad Move”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    Having not read the profile, I can’t comment on it much. But to me the important point of the OPs post is I’ve only been doing this online dating thing for about a week ….But I sent 3 messages out and got 0 responses. .

    A week is nothing. Three messages with no reply? Again, means nothing. I didn’t find this site until I’d been on OKC for many months, but I’d already figured out that it’s a process and that women wouldn’t be falling into my lap just because I’m awesome (though I am) and they can intuit that through the ether of the internet. It took months to hone my profile and the craft of sending messages before I was getting good responses and good dates.

    Since then I’ve taken a lot of the advice here to heart, but I don’t follow all the “rules” or some of the strategies found on other sites. You’re not going to really find out if it’s working until you start actually going out on dates, and that is a whole different skill set.

    Honesty is a great thing; I’m a fan. And while I’d never advocate being overtly dishonest, opening up in a profile the way Moxie describes the OP has done is, as she suggests, counterproductive. An online dating profile has only one function: convincing someone to take a chance to contact you or respond to your message. That’s all. The same way a resume has only one purpose: to get a potential employer to offer you an interview. That’s all.

    At first, I had the usual profile, trying to describe myself and my likes and dislikes, ho hum. It was decidedly a non-starter. So I created a fake “female” account with no photos and minimal information (and it still got attention, which was instructive) just to look at what other guys’ profiles looked like. Most were, I thought, rather bad, and many were just like mine. So I decided to go a different direction. I didn’t actually take the profile questions at face-value. Instead I answered them truthfully, but humorously and creatively. And the difference was stark. I started getting more visitors and–more important–more women messaging me. I did take Moxie’s advice about changing something about my profile at least every week, though I make small changes. I average about 10 views a week and I get someone messaging me at least once every couple of weeks. Yes, some of them are out-of-towners, including, like the OP, eastern Europe and the Balkans. I assume those are just scammy. But many of the women who message me comment that my profile was unusual or made them laugh. I’ve gotten some great dates from those contacts.

    One thing I don’t do is send out a lot of messages at the same time using any sort of template. I send admittedly formulaic messages one or two at a time, max, but each is crafted specifically to a woman’s profile. The formula is to make a witty, non-threatening comment about something in her profile, an observation or more serious comment on something in the profile, and end with a question related to her profile. No more than three or four short sentences. Keep it light. No sexual innuendo (well, okay, very little sexual innuendo, and of the double-entendre type).

    After that, there’s managing the ensuing email, text, phone conversation and then, hopefully an actual date.

    Looking at the OPs comment on the other thread, it seems that he’s thinking it a success that women responded to his “honest” profile. Well, yes. If the definition of success is getting women to message you about your profile. But that’s not my definition of success. Meeting women offline and progressing to a relationship, short- or long-term, is success. (Others will, of course, have differing definitions of success, including just sex.)

    So, OP, I generally agree with Moxie. But urge you to consider that it’s a long, mine-filled road, and you need to be clear with yourself about what your goals are and take the long view. Too much honesty, too soon, can be a detriment.

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    • OKCuser Says:

      I’m well aware that this can be a long process. I was actually looking up more profile advice, then came across those suggestions which sounded pretty much exactly like what I did at first. It was a rather discouraging experience, regardless of how short, and made online dating “reviews” all the more accurate. I’d hate to see a guy go through that just because he thought of that post as the be-all method of portraying yourself on OKCupid. So if others stumble upon this for their online profile advice, they at least know that your methods aren’t for everyone and in general, detrimental to online daters. The ridiculous assumptions people here have made about me is rather evident enough of that though.

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      • LostSailor Says:

        I’m sure your several weeks experience of OKC dating is quite instructional and a shining example for others to follow. The combined years of online dating experience of Moxie and other commenters here notwithstanding. The other post you commented on actually has some quite good advice, but everyone’s experience is different. Use what works, discard what doesn’t. I don’t follow all of Moxie’s suggestions, for reasons of my own, but have seen that other suggestions do work, especially the advice on updating the profile regularly. So you’re judgment after a few weeks that Moxie’s advice is “detrimental to online daters” is hardly definitive.

        As for “ridiculous assumptions,” everyone who reads your profile, which I haven’t, will be making shotgun assumptions and judgments about you, most of which you will never know about. They are “evident” of nothing. Aren’t you making assumptions and judgments about Moxie’s advice based on your extensive sample of a few weeks of online dating?

        Come back in a year and let us know of your phenomenal success. Hey, that guy down the road could be a real catch!

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  2. Trouble Says:

    First, I think it’s great that the OP is supporting his brother through college and taking care of his mom financially. That’s a beautiful thing. But, I think there’s a way to share that without crucifying your dad in effigy.

    You’re still really mad at your dad, and that comes through pretty clearly. And, you should be, because what he did was shitty. But, at some point, you have to get past the shit that happened to you and stop measuring yourself against your dad’s fuckedupness. It sucked, I get it. I mean, I really really get it. But, you are not your dad, and you don’t have to keep proving that fact. The fact that you think you do have to prove how different you are from your dad means that you still have a lot of healing to do.

    And, with such obvious wounds, the only people you are going to attract are going to be the walking wounded…people who still haven’t healed from their own traumas.

    Look, lots of us have scars. I sure do. My ex cheated on me repeatedly and had about 20 different jobs in 12 years before I finally worked up the guts to leave him. But, at some point, you want to get a point where you aren’t so obviously angry at that person and defined by him, if you plan to have a healthy relationship and attract healthy people. If I’d read your ad 6-7 years ago, I’d have found it very appealing, because I saw everything in my life in the context of my deadbeat and cheating ex-husband. Now, after years of therapy and putting a lot of my anger behind me, I would just think, “Wow, that sucks that he went through that, but he still has a lot of work to do to get past his history.”

    I remember meeting my husband about 5 years ago, and thinking that he looked at me like I wasn’t broken at all. I no longer sent out that vibe of being damaged and torn up. I still had a lot of work to do at that point, but I’d come far enough that I sent out a vibe of confidence and happiness, not constantly looking back on the injuries I’d suffered. When you get to a point that you stop having to show people your wounds, you’ll know that you’re really starting to be pretty far down the path of healing. As long as you do, you aren’t. And, the only people who are going to be attracted to that are the people who also aren’t whole and well.

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    • OKCuser Says:

      I really don’t see how you assumed all that from me calling my father abusive and useless. I’m not mad at him, I don’t feel anything towards him. My mother is the one that hated him. Where did I mention that I was so different from my dad? I don’t mention anything else about -him-. I mentioned that I learned those qualities from watching my mother. So again, how in the world did you jump to such conclusions?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 13

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      • Allan Says:

        Not mad? You have an atypical definition of good terms then. You said (paraphrased out of necessity) “your ‘useless’ father was abusive and didn’t work for twenty years.” Okay, lets rework this with a positive spin:

        ” My background is perhaps atypical, with a bohemian father who took time out from his work to enjoy life. I will always be grateful for the lessons learned from him, and I seek to share this joie de vivre with the right person. ”

        In other words, what do you bring to the table? Starting out with a tale of woe is, and should be, a red flag.

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  3. Allan Says:

    Always be upbeat. One can be honest and not be brutal or negative.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • OKCuser Says:

      The people I’ve had conversations with are aware of that. They didn’t mention at all whether it was brutal or negative. They just said it was honest. It’s rather easy to get to know someone once you get conversations going. Jumping to conclusions because of a few words you don’t like on a profile? Very difficult.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 12

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      • Trouble Says:

        A few words are all you have. Words such as deadbeat, loser, and useless are emotional and highly negative terms. The words we choose are a reflection into our mental state, often inadvertently. When you choose angry words to describe your dad, odds are high that you are angry at him. If you wish to avoid giving that impression, find a different way to express yourself.

        But, I’ll tell you…whether you acknowledge it or not, I think you’re angry. If you weren’t, you’d talk about him in a more neutral way. Those words aren’t neutral at all.

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  4. jaclyn Says:

    If you are currently feeling insecure about your life, online dating might not be the right medium for you right now and it might be best to take a break from dating and focus on everything else in your life. The male commenters can better describe their experiences, but I would imagine that men experience a lot of rejection in trying to set up dates. Online dating is a great medium for meeting people, but you need to be in the right psychological mind frame for it, since you are constantly rejecting potential dates and being rejected by other potential partners. If you are defensive or insecure, you will just get sucked into negative experiences or relationships. So you might want to wait until you are feeling less insecure to date, especially online. It can be really healthy to take breaks from dating and work through whatever issues you have from your childhood or (possibly) past relationships.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • OKCuser Says:

      I appreciate the advice, but insecure is merely a feeling I had -about trying online dating-. I suppose I worded that part wrong, but you get the idea. I’m not, and never will be, insecure about my family experience. My relationship with my father is fine…we go drinking together for cryin out loud. I was the one that made peace in the house, which is what the “took over being head of the household” refers to.

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  5. The D-man Says:

    But women (people, really) to whom this image appeals don’t typically have many healthy ideas or experiences when it comes to dating and relationships.

    I obviously can’t speak for women, but I personally appreciate vulnerability. I recently dated a woman who (after a few dates) revealed how crappy her childhood was. I was impressed that she had overcome it so well. I’m not sure how I would react if that were in her profile, but if it lacked bitterness I’d probably be intrigued. Certainly more interesting than most other profiles.

    Now that I think about it, I remember once messaging a woman who’s profile began “Six months ago I lost everything important to me and now am in the process of starting over.”

    NB: I’m not broken. I’ve had lots of great relationships, had a great childhood and don’t have enemies or hold grudges.

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    • OKCuser Says:

      So tell me, did her story of a crappy childhood and what she learned from it intrigue you at all? Because that’s what I wanted from putting it there. It didn’t sound oh-so-negative like everyone here is saying, it just had the words, “to endear the pain of being married to a abusive and useless man.” Did that give you all the information you needed to jump to a conclusion of me hating my father with my every being? If you actually read my profile yourself, and not go off what these people just assume about it, I doubt you’d get the same vibe.

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      • The D-man Says:

        It did intrigue me, but she didn’t tell me this until we’d gone on at least a dozen dates.

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  6. OKCuser Says:

    You know, I’m surprised at how you people view things. First and foremost, I only showed -part- of 1 message, and that dealt with people crying about not receiving messages at all. Without knowing how any of the conversations actually went, all of you jump to conclusions already. I’m speaking mainly to new people, the ones you’re suggesting to lie right off the bat. I’ve actually met 3 women already, 1 is now a regular where I work (no, not ONS, just getting to know each other dates, though 1 is DTF). I asked them if this was a little fast and it was pretty much the same response. The honesty made them trust that they’d be getting to know the real me. So far, this “experiment” is going great.

    My profile isn’t “brutally honest”, it’s simply honest. It’s not written based on any guides written by people who simply view online dating as a game, and that’s what the women I’ve talked to are attracted to. My story itself is hardly what intrigued them, it was just a good read. That got the conversations STARTED, which is where things really start. Do any of these women view me the way you people do after our conversations? Not a chance. I can’t believe you expect to know a person by 1 word in their profile. All of those things you people have assumed about me are just those, assumptions, and for the most part false.

    Most importantly, for you to think of this as gloating? Get over yourselves. Like I said, I tried doing what you’ve suggested, and it failed. Doing it my way and being realistic? Much more success.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I asked them if this was a little fast and it was pretty much the same response. The honesty made them trust that they’d be getting to know the real me. So far, this “experiment” is going great.

      I realize that this is going to go right over your head, but I’m going to say this so that others might benefit from it.

      Do you really think these women are going to tell you that they feel your level of disclosure was inappropriate? Like I said, they either identify with you or feel sorry for you. Only other wounded birds or people with savior complexes would want to know so much about you so quickly. Emotionally healthy people would know immediately that you have issues and would avoid you. Now, maybe you’re okay with dating women with their own myriad of issues. If so, then you’re right, Huzzah. Your experiment worked. Congrats. You’ve attracted a bunch of damaged women. Not exactly an accomplishment when dating online.

      I’m not sure how much good any of our feedback is going to do, as it’s clear you are woefully lacking in self-awareness.

      Maybe this is colored by recent events in my life, but ANYBODY who freely bashes their family (and especially their parents) so publicly is an asshole. That you could even sit with your father and have a drink knowing that somewhere out there you have publicly slammed him in the way you did makes you a two faced hypocrite. If you think nothing of badmouthing him so publicly, I can only imagine what you’re capable of saying/doing about people you date. I don’t know what you’re so proud of. I really don’t. Anyone who has to put down someone else in their profile in order to elevate themselves is an immediate No for me. Not just a no. A “hell no.” That I even have to point that out to you is, in and of itself, tragic.

      You haven’t a clue what any of these people really think. You’ve chosen to believe that these women, most of which are likely damaged goods in their own way, are telling you the truth.

      My story itself is hardly what intrigued them,

      Wrong. Your story is the main reason they responded. What appealed to them was the “refreshing honesty.” And that would be a bad thing.

      Do any of these women view me the way you people do after our conversations? Not a chance.

      Again, you’re making assumptions.. They aren’t going to tell you their reservations. And if they don’t think something about you is off, that’s probably because they’re off. See, most attention whoring kooks don’t typically know they’re attention whoring kooks. As you can see by your reaction and multiple responses, it’s difficult if not impossible to reason with you. Red Flag.

      Most importantly, for you to think of this as gloating? Get over yourselves. Like I said, I tried doing what you’ve suggested, and it failed. Doing it my way and being realistic? Much more success.

      Yes, I think this is gloating. Know why? BECAUSE IT IS! See, that is the problem with all of this. You are so lacking in self-awareness that you don’t understand anything anyone is saying. People like you are a nightmare to date. So, while all these gals might be awesome, you’ll likely screw the pooch every time. Either that or you’ll attract someone just like you. Which could work out. But I can assure that no mature, healthy person would want what you have.

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  7. VJ Says:

    I’m mostly in agreement with Trouble here once again. And everything Moxie said can be true, and still the OP (above?) does have some good & valid points. Let’s review:

    1.) Novelty will pay off. Ditto for an engaging story that’s ‘just not the same’ or is unusual in some way.

    2.) Let’s not discount the ‘humble brag’ factor here. It gets to several issues in a slightly round about & unusual way, even if a bit dramatically & with TMI for many. Novelistically it may be working on many different levels too. Most women who are looking for a LTR are definitely looking for a stable responsible adult who is willing and able to provide for his family. This guy’s profile says he comes ‘pre-qualified’. And yes, that’s going to be somewhat attractive to a wide range of potentially interested women. Not just the ones with low self esteem. And the latter might easily be ‘weeded out’ too after a time. It’s also engaging others in ‘adventure’ or even ‘rescue’ & yes certainly some old fashioned ‘heroic’ ideals also.

    3.) There’s something to be said about metrics and solid history here. If what the OP says is true (and it may be easy to discern too), you’ve already got a track record of someone who’s acting as a responsible adult, even if he does have ‘unresolved anger issues’. Plenty of folks walk around with complicated ‘unresolved emotional & psychological issues’, they live among us still. Some still manage to survive and thrive too. Not everyone is going to be ‘cured’ or even properly diagnosed. (Hey it’s America, you still don’t have a right to health care just yet.) Moreover? Those ‘unresolved anger issues’ may easily be the impetus for a serious drive to better the situation any way you can and become successful. And yes, successful people are more attractive (overall).

    So if it’s working for the moment, why not go with it. Sure it’s a short term sort of result at the moment, but for the reasons mentioned above, he may be on to something too.

    4.) Again, it’s awfully useful & certainly helpful to be psychologically healthy when you’re trying to attract a serious mate for a LTR (and living). But it’s likely not a bedrock requirement or even a qualifying/necessary condition for dating. If it was? We’d have far fewer people coupling up or even meeting if that was true.

    So an unusual approach to be sure. But it does seem to break though all the ‘noise’ and be getting some attention. Which was the point & the bottom line. It may not be a ‘silver bullet/axe’ but it’s a decent start perhaps. Even if we might not recommend it for others or widely too. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

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    • OKCuser Says:

      …Again, all this crap about unresolved issues is really based off nothing except 2 words, which I used to describe my mother’s situation. My relationship with my father is fine. I was describing what I learned from watching her live like that. The whole reason for commenting on that particular post was about how honesty gets results. Molie is the one that assumed all this garbage. Isn’t it bad to explain to people who are also insecure about online dating to simply lie? I’m sure a insecure person lying about themselves to people they are generally interested in just isn’t healthy.

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      • wishing u well Says:

        Okay….breathe and step away from the keyboard, lol. *waving white flag* I come in peace!

        “In your About Me Summary section you reveal that your “useless” father was abusive and didn’t work for twenty years. Then you share that you’re currently putting your brother through college and have become the head of your household and now have all the bills, car loan and house in your name. The piece de resistance is how you expound on how amazing your mother was for staying with your deadbeat Dad just so she could teach her children about how important it is to never give up on something.”

        Here’s the point….that bit of history is not profile material, nor is it first date material. The profile is the initial impression of yourself, and is that what you want others to first see about you, having never seen or met you in life? Give it the TL;DR version – how much you appreciate your mother for showing you by her actions that it is important to never give up. Cut out all the rest of the details. All of it. It comes off negative, and it can lead a person to assume that this is how you define yourself, that you’re still mired in what can be seen as negative family drama. Don’t lie. If your situation gave you an ambition to work hard, talk about the ambition, NOT the underlying source of it! Be positive, be real, and don’t exaggerate.

        (And maybe develop a thicker skin? If a few comments are setting you off, perhaps you aren’t ready for the ups and downs of online dating…..it can be quite entertaining.) Anyhow, I wish you well.

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        • novelty718 Says:

          “Here’s the point….that bit of history is not profile material, nor is it first date material. The profile is the initial impression of yourself, and is that what you want others to first see about you, having never seen or met you in life?”

          Thank you so much for saying this wishing u well. While I applaud the OP for wanting to be honest this isn’t what I want to read while looking at someone’s profile.

          As a woman that does online dating to me it would come off as creepy and needy. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh. I want to get to know someone through them, spending time with them. I don’t want to read about your life story before I met you.

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  8. OKCuser Says:

    Ok, I lied. The truth is, I sent out some 300 messages, and got only 2 replies. I was never contacted first by any women. The only person I was contacted by was a gay male who lives 3 miles away from me. I am in fear of my life that he will sodomize me. Please help.

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    • Allan Says:

      Don’t judge. He might be a nice guy. Remember, upbeat. Always upbeat!

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      The only person I was contacted by was a gay male who lives 3 miles away from me. I am in fear of my life that he will sodomize me

      How droll.

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  9. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “The honesty made them trust that they’d be getting to know the real me. So far, this “experiment” is going great.”

    Good, so keep doing it. Why do you need validation from anonymous commenters on the Internet? I think the gist of Moxie’s (and others’) comments is that it’s just a little too early to be declaring victory, k? No one is here is necessarily “jumping to conclusions” about your issues. What they are suggesting is that you may be giving an impression to people that you don’t believe you’re making, and don’t want to make. For example, people who read your profile might deduce that you have anger issues with your father, even though you don’t…. No, really, you don’t. I said, you don’t. Why aren’t you listening? You don’t have anger issues! What’s wrong with these people? You don’t have anger issues!!!!! No issues at all.

    Really, no anger issues.

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  10. Just One Woman's Opinion Says:

    I think the challenge with stating that your dad was “useless” and “abusive” without giving any more context is that people start to fill in their own context. So, while you said in your earlier comment:

    “I really don’t see how you assumed all that from me calling my father abusive and useless. I’m not mad at him, I don’t feel anything towards him. My mother is the one that hated him. Where did I mention that I was so different from my dad? I don’t mention anything else about -him-. I mentioned that I learned those qualities from watching my mother. So again, how in the world did you jump to such conclusions?”

    We can’t assume that you’re not made at him, that your mom is the one that hated him, etc until you tell us. All we have to go on is that your dad was abusive and useless. So, as human beings, we fill in the blanks with our own personal experiences.

    I want you to be successful and find a great woman, and I think you will. But I think you might want to consider starting from scratch and leaving out these details of your family. My family is loving and my parents are married after 42 years…so I couldn’t relate to your abuse. But I’ve had my own sh+t to deal with in life – and I don’t post it in my online profile. That’s information to share on a later date once you’ve gotten to know someone.

    GOOD LUCK!!!

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  11. D'Alias Says:

    Hmm. You do sound a little damaged in your profile but I think that’s ok – especially if it’s true. There’s lots of people on here advising you to sanitize your story to make them comfortable. You have to ask yourself – do you WANT to be with a woman who needs you to do that for her to want to get to know you? Taking on the kind of responsibility you have does, by definition, make you different than many of the spoiled brats out there who know of nothing more than caring for themselves. Your mom and your brother will likely continue to be a financial drain (not saying it isn’t worth it – just calling it how I see it). I think it’s good you put that out there soon enough so that the women who won’t stand for that are weeded out. A lot of girls out there who haven’t been in caretaker or parental position will be ill prepared to deal with the sacrifices you will continue to make for your family. It’s all fine and dandy till you can’t afford a vacation, a downpayment for your home, or fancy wedding b/c your footing the bill for your loved ones.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      It’s not about “making a person comfortable.” It’s more about knowing as an adult that there is a time and place for everything. I know you own your own home and your “useless” father, but I don’t know what your first name is? Or any of your hobbies or interests? Were this a real life encounter separate from an online introduction, I’d wager that none of that information would necessarily be disclosed in the first 5 to 10 minutes of meeting a person. Yet online, here it is, boom, heavy information without the proper context – or even the most important context of all: who you are as an overall person. You could be the most fabulous man in the world, and yet you’ve invited the world to speculate and judge you on what is being perceived to be a core piece of you as a first introduction. And that is completely unnecessary. A boundary should be set of how much critical information is disclosed and when it is disclosed as a developing dating relationship is evolving with 2 people getting to know one another. In addtion – balance is key. Polarizing terms destroy the balance of who he really is against who is being perceived to be.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      There’s lots of people on here advising you to sanitize your story to make them comfortable.

      Nonsense. Nothing the OP does or does not do with his profile affects me in any way, comfortable or not comfortable. I assume that most people who read and comment here have the goal of becoming more successful at online dating and hopefully successful in their relationships. If his approach is working for him, that’s just dandy. Personally I see trouble ahead, but whether he’s successful or not has nothing to do with the comfort level of anyone here…

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  12. Allan Says:

    This is the challenge I put to myself in every posting on any board. Can I stick to the issues at hand without referring to the author personally. This is such an important issue, I consider it a vital life skill.

    There is a world of difference in saying “Your posting says nothing good about XYZ” versus “You are not an upbeat person”. Most postings here are of the former variety, yet the response is written as if these were personal attacks.

    One point worth noting: It is relatively easy to get women to reply to a novel profile. The challenge is to induce that woman to be intrigued and desirous of your company in a romantic way. While men and women are certainly different, I know that I flee when I meet a woman who complains about her family (or anything) as part of her initial greeting. Think of it as if you just stepped on an elevator and said “Good morning” to a stranger only to hear the reply “My father neglected me”. Really not that much difference in context you know.

    PS: I am not loving this grouchy icon that I was assigned.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      This is the challenge I put to myself in every posting on any board

      Here’s a better challenge; write something interesting or entertaining. And try not to preach.

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  13. Michael Says:

    And this, my friends, is why everyone should avoid online dating at all costs – so you do not have to meet lunatics like the OP and all of you analyzing this – just go out there, have fun, and meet people.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 9

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    • LostSailor Says:

      That’s it, Michael! Our date is off!

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    • Allan Says:

      Now now, no name calling. Of course if you just want to have fun and meet people, some would call you a serial dater or worse a time waster. Personally I know that I’d be ecstatic to meet the right woman, but I’ll not refuse to enjoy the company of an attractive upbeat woman who is not the right person either.

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    • Trouble Says:

      I met my husband on match.com in the fall of 2007. *shrug* It worked for me.

      When you are dating online, you do have to pay attention to the words people write, because you really can learn a lot from their turn of phrase. There wasn’t much to overly analyze about my (now) husband’s profile, he sounded a little nerdy, fairly quirky, and happy. Happy is appealing. Angry/bitter? Not so much.

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Yep, words mean things. It’s surprising how many people disavow the words they choose.

        And exasperating when they do.

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      • Erin Says:

        Trouble and how lucky you both were to find the magic in each other!!!!! In this vast universe once in awhile the stars align and true love captivates your heart!!!! Always wishing you and J the best!!!!!

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  14. OKCuser Says:

    Wow…I didn’t expect things to go this far. I mean really, you’re -still- trying to embarrass a guy who doesn’t care about his online persona on twitter. It was a joke. Pure and simple. I know it was in bad taste, but you mix alcohol and friends well…things happen.

    I didn’t think it would have affected you all this much, and I apologize. We took turns writing each section, which is why it’s rather inconsistent. Our friend who quit online dating about a month ago started the whole thing and he’s made profiles on many other dating sites with the same pictures. (They’re gone though) He didn’t even tell us that things went this far, or I would have made this apology sooner. I honestly do not remember this night, but there’s no question it was us. So again, I sincerely apologize to all. Enjoy your online dating adventures, and be sure to keep watch for what we did. As it’s been stated over and over, it’s pretty pointless to put any real personal information in your profile. Well, I’ll stop bothering you folk. See ya.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      What the fuck are you babbling about? Nobody is trying to embarrass you on twitter.Nobody gives a shit about you beyond what’s said in this post. I retweet all posts. It’s not all about you. Grow up. Better yet…go to therapy.

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      • OKCuser Says:

        Your anger with me is very understandable. Not going to provoke you any more. Just getting this apology out there, it’s the only right thing to do at this point. And I wasn’t talking about your retweets.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          If you have something to say, say it. I have no idea what you’re going on about. I’ve never said anything about you on Twitter. I don’t know who you are.

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          • OKCuser Says:

            …look I can see the descriptions of the guy in the pictures. May not have been your blog specifically, but it did originate from here. I’m not trying to do anything other than apologize for our childish behavior. We were wrong to do this, and didn’t mean to cause any tension between others. Sorry.

            This might sound rather stupid, and I understand if you decline, but if there’s anything I can do to make this up to you, please say so.

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  15. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Shit, I wasn’t going to say anything but now that were all confessing I’m feeling guilty. I and the organization I represent have, for several years, been posting fake “attractive” profiles on various dating sites for the purpose of ensnaring desperate singles and making them feel fat, stupid and generally worthless. The plan, as conceived by the group, was to entice women to respond to these profiles and then either ignore them thereafter, or set up dates and then never show up. Over time, self esteem would be destroyed. So, if that’s ever happened to you, sorry, it was probably us. I shouldn’t have let things go this far. We apologize.

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    • OKCuser Says:

      Heh, good one. Actually sounds very convincing with the way things turned out. It’s not like it was a total lie…that guy really does take care of his mother and brother, just doesn’t have a father and their relationship isn’t all dandy. The profiles weren’t created all at once…it was 1 after another. We didn’t do any of that to the few people we got responses from (3 people total, didn’t get any on the other sites), we let them know we were going to cancel the account. We never set up a date with any of them. I think self-esteem isn’t really a issue here…or I wouldn’t be apologizing like this. I know how serious some people are about online dating, and it was rude of me to mock it simply because I don’t.

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      • Brad Says:

        I, for one, am SO glad you cleared this up.

        I think it’s very big of you to apologize, it shows a lot of character. And I think it’s amazing that the place where you live gives you Internet time, that’s really nice if them.

        I think you should get an extra desert tonight.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Oh, it was joke. Now I’ve stepped in it. Actually, no, I was joking too? There is no “organization?” That’s the ticket. Go back to yor online dating and have fun kids.

        Good think I have my tin foil helmet so you can’t read my thoughts.

        What’s that?

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