How To Avoid The Online Dating Attention Whore

Name: Kelly
Age: 43
State: AL

I  have a question about online daters doing this: They email, you chat a bit, you give them the number, you text a bit, you might even talk “live and in person.”  Then, instead of saying, hey, I’m still texting/emailing you, I’m expressing interest in you, I’d like to meet you, are you free Fri/Sat, they come out with “Hey, how’s your weekend shaping up/” Or “Got any big plans this weekend?” What the eff is that lol?  And also the everyday texting of “How’s your day going?” Are they scared/passive aggressive or just time wasters/getting a thrill out of having women interested in them?

 

I don’t think they’re scared or passive aggressive. I would guess that they are time wasters. I would also guess that some of these guys are sending out mass texts to multiple women waiting to see who replies first.

You  always have the options of asking them out, you know. There’s no rule that says he has to do it. But, like I said to you last week, you play into this. You play their game. You don’t assert any control in the situation. You are a passive participant in the process. So I have to ask you if maybe you, like these guys, get off on the attention as well.

I know. No, really. I know!

As I’ve said before, I don’t really understand why some people always seem to have these “frustrating” situations happen to them. I don’t get how it’s possible one person can have so many similar experiences, other than they somehow participate in the outcome.

Kelly, you’re a time waster too. You just don’t know it. You think you’re available, but you’re not. That’s why these situations keep repeating themselves over and over. You, like these men, just want attention.

Online dating sites are chock full of people like this. How can you avoid them?

1. Do not contact anybody who doesn’t seem truly invested in the process or seems too difficult - That means:

  • No emailing people who barely fill out their profile
  • No emailing people who post just ONE photo (huge clue!)
  • No messaging people with verbose, lengthy, self-important profiles
  • No contacting someone who states in their profile that they don’t check the site often/are just checking this out, etc.
  • No contacting people who tell you they’re just out of a relationship
  • No emailing people with disclaimers/challenges in their profiles (“Don’t email me if../If you do XYZ then we probably won’t get along”)

2. Ask them out - By email three, that invitation should be extended. If they aren’t willing to make at least a tentative plan right then, or in any way put you on the shelf, move on.

3. Don’t give them your phone number too soon- You should not be giving out your phone number until the a couple days before your date. That date should be written in ink on your calendar. Then and only then should you give them your number.

4. No pre-date flirty banter - Seriously. If they send you a text asking how you are or or your day is going, be polite in your response but then cut off that conversation. Say you’re off to the gym or a meeting. Do not give them an in or encouragement of any kind that you’re open to chatting. To me, the whole texting thing is a huge red flag. Maybe there was as time when flirty texts/extensive email exchanges were a normal or positive part of the process. But I honestly feel as though, at this point, the only people who waste their time with these things are the time wasters and attention whores. The people who want to actually meet don’t waste any time. They just meet you.

5. Confirm the date - I don’t care who made the original plan. With online dating, none of that protocol applies. Send them a text the morning of the date confirming your plans. If they say they need to re-schedule, say “No problem!” and move on.

6. Listen - The attention whores and time wasters can’t help but talk about their online dating experiences. See, they’re attention whores. They want attention. If you can, avoid the whole, “So, what has your experience with Match/OkCupid been like?” conversation. Find some other commonality. If your date breaks into an omigod you have to hear this this is sooo funny story, be on guard. These types always reveal themselves.

The people who genuinely want to meet people and develop a relationship of some kind, casual or otherwise, are going to be proactive. Now, none of this means that you won’t end up having a date or two with an attention whore. That’s almost impossible to avoid.

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6 Responses to “How To Avoid The Online Dating Attention Whore”

  1. Allan Says:

    It’s a good list. It also rules out 99% of people who are on free sites like POF. By the way, I have had serious relationships with several women who only posted one photo. I sidestep many of the the filters and only exchange notes a few times, then I expect to meet for half hour in person at a place that is convenient for the lady. If she cannot make it, then I know for sure.

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  2. PhillyGal Says:

    I think the whole time waster thing can apply to meeting people the “regular route” as well. I met a guy at a Memorial Day party and invited everyone to join me at karaoke afterward. He’s the only one who came, was flirtatious and asked for my number, saying he wanted to hang with me soon. That’s when the “Hey! What are you up to?” texts began. Now his job involves a nutty schedule, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a couple of weeks. He finally invited me to hang out (and yes, I’d invited him prior to this) and it was fun. He said he wanted to do it again. Then, back to “How was your weekend?” Yeah, no.

    I don’t get the point. I guess it’s knowing you can message someone of the opposite sex and they’ll respond? Whatever. Number deleted.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      If someone gives me their number, and I want to date them, I will text them something like “How are you? I’m __, the guy you met at xyz” as an initial text. If she doesn’t like that text, or finds it offensive in some way, it’s too bad because she won’t get another. To me, this is about context and social appropriateness. If a date is set up for the near future, sure, it makes sense to hold off on the banter and emaling until the meeting. But, before the date is set up? I don’t see the point of rejecting someone or prequalifying because they don’t get immediately to the point in the first email, or say magic words. Dating is going to be fun for me, god dammit, or I’m not doing it.

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    • Allan Says:

      Yep, a lot of people initiate communication but do not follow through. It’s tempting to analyze why, but aside from the general reasons, jumping to a conclusion as to any specific someone wasting you time is really not useful. Maybe they got back with an old girlfriend, maybe a parent or a pet died. Perhaps they just wanted to see if you were attracted to them (straight guys sometimes allow gay men to flirt with them just for kicks). Does the exact reason matter when the result is the same?

      I can think of at least two different girls who went out with me three times, where both told me what a funny charming guy I was. All romance and then nothing. Now I was seriously interested in both these women. One looked exactly like the image I had in my dreams of the woman i would marry. Both were interesting fun girls. In both cases they wrote some time later to tell me the reason, but after a week of checking my inbox I had moved on. In fact receiving an explanation at that later point just opened healing wounds. Do I say they were time wasters? All I know is I had a nice night out and we talked of shared interests and even family, but we were hardly engaged. It was what it was. I am not going to play psychologist. Were they attention whores? Well, they are out of my life so it’s not my problem is it?

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  3. Anna Says:

    I think Moxie’s list is awesome, it totally mirrors the set of rules I had for myself when I was online dating and I think it really helped to weed out the weirdos and non-committers. If you didn’t want to set up a date after a couple of email exchanges then I took it as a sign and was out. Same for those that were like “im just checking this out” or had weird bitter sounding disclaimers in their profiles like “if you’re into games DONT contact me!” LOL. I think really being discerning online helps the whole process be far less painful. I actually had fun online dating and eventually met my husband so i’ll always have a soft spot for the online dating world :)

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  4. The Private Man Says:

    Regarding online dating, always be escalating. The point of online dating is to stop online dating. Time wasters are legion on Plenty of Fish. The flake factor there is enormous, too. But in my area, it’s pretty much the only game in town.

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