Has Online Dating Become Harder For You In The Past 6 Months?

Name: Rita
Age: 42
State: NYC

I’m curious as to how other women in their late thirties to forties fare on Match and OK Cupid?

Up until 6 months ago I had a fair amount of success with my profile.  Things have really slowed down in the past 6 months. (More on OKC than Match.) I’m getting far fewer responses and encountering  alot of men who make plans but don’t follow up or stop responding. It wasn’t like this last year at this time.

I know things slow down for a woman once she hits 40 but I was still having a relatively good amount of success up until a few months ago, even after I turned 42.

I was wondering if anybody else had the same experience.

 

 

I’ll say this. I’ve noticed, ever since OK Cupid changed their search capabilities and user now have to scroll down the page instead of clicking through each individual page, I’ve had fewer views and replies. Having to scroll down one continuous page is arduous. Sometimes I end up skipping a whole section of profiles unintentionally.

Also annoying with OKC is that, even if you update your profile every day, it still gets buried very quickly. One day I sat and hid profile after profile because I was seeing the same faces every, single time I did a search, and in pretty much the same order. I strongly urge people to create a new profile every couple of months if they’re using OK Cupid. It’s the only way to get maximum exposure. Once you’ve been on that site for a couple of months, your profile is virtually non-existent. Few people are scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through hundreds of profiles. They’re just doing multiple searches and sorting by different criteria.If you want to meet someone on OKC, you have to be proactive. Otherwise nobody will even know you’re there. I like the site, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had great luck with it. But it required real effort and a lot of filtering. Free sites will always attract a higher number of time wasters than the paid ones. Get familiar with that Hide button, folks. It will save you a lot of time and frustration.

OK Cupid has started offering events, too. I guess the way it works is that users RSVP for various events using their profile. Once you pay for the event, you get the user names of people who have also pre-paid or RSVPD. I’m curious to see how that works. I know Match tried that years ago and it died a pretty quick death. My question is why these sites are now offering off line events at all. Obviously, it’s a revenue stream. So there’s that. But I wonder if they feel as though fewer people are actually taking things offline and so they are trying to encourage users by offering non-commital/low pressure ways  to meet.

Obviously, your age does have something to do with it. I think when men say they’re open to meeting women over 40, what they really mean is that they’ll meet a woman over 40 who is hot. They aren’t meeting average looking 40somethings when they can meet equally average looking/hotter 35 year olds or younger.

As for the Flake Factor, yes, I’ve noticed that as well. There does seem to be a lot more people on there who are ambivalent about the whole process or who will only meet people they perceive as ideal in some way. They don’t care if they waste your time. They aren’t committed to the process. There are also a lot more people on that site who are only in town temporarily, visiting or here for work for a few months. OK Cupid has become some kind of sexual/romantic hostel.

If you’re looking to casually date, then lower your age. Just don’t go crazy. OK Cupid is mainly a short terming dating/casual sex site. Obviously, the guys who say they’re just looking for long term relationships will be annoyed that you shaved 2 or 3 years off your age. So don’t contact them if you do lower your age and be honest if they contact you. If you’re looking to date multiple people and just have fun, then change your age. At the end of the day, it won’t matter and those guys won’t care. Just understand that they likely won’t care because they don’t have any serious intentions towards you.

If you are looking more for long term commitment, then go to Match. I’m sorry to say that many of the men on OKC that are over 40 are a mess. They’re overweight or unkempt with very little polish. (Yes, I know, so are many of the women. Noted.) It’s slim pickens over there. I honestly wouldn’t waste your time pouring over profiles on OKC if you’re looking to seriously date men in their mid to late forties. (I recently came across a profile that I so, so SOOOOO wanted to dissect here, but won’t. Here’s a teaser – he expounded on how great his ejaculate tastes. Good Christ.)

I’ll let readers tell you their experience with Match, as I don’t use that site.

 

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69 Responses to “Has Online Dating Become Harder For You In The Past 6 Months?”

  1. The Private Man Says:

    Plenty of Fish is the big website down here (South Florida) and there’s a definite seasonality to the online dating action. Summer is slow, winter holidays area active. Perhaps it’s the same for other parts of the country because kids are out of school, vacations are happening, and time for dating is curtailed, especially for the over 35 crowd.

    I do know that my profile gets most interest from Halloween to Christmas. Perhaps it’s because no one wants to go to New Year’s Eve parties alone?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  2. Eliza Says:

    Regardless of which site you subscribe to–you will discovery sooner rather than later–that it’s truly a waste of your time IF you are looking to meet someone that is level-headed, and for a long-term arrangement, leading to something significant and meaningful. Most of the men on these sites are either married, or in relationships they are unhappy with, yet incapable of leaving for fear of being alone…hence their endless need to send trivial messages through the site. or they will suggest texting (endlessly)–and when the topic of actually meeting up face to face comes up? They run and hide like litle girls. They will flake out…why? Because they are stlil with someone, married, or incapable of carrying on a conversation in person. yes, it’s slim pickins out there. Most men 40+ have some major baggage, whether it be emotional, financial or marital, that is children, they have to factor in their down time. ALL men claim they don’t want or need any Drama in their lives, but the bottom line is–most men bring a truckload of drama with them. Enough drama to make a blockbuster film. That’s the truth.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 14

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      So, um, where do you fit in with all this?

      As I’ve said many times, I don’t understand why so many women have so many stories like this. It should happen once and then never again. Yet women keep falling into the same traps. Why? Why is that?

      How is it that I have NEVER met a married man via online dating? Is it that, when they state in their profile that they are married I block them? Or if they tell me in their email that they’re married I block them? Or is it that I;m not in my forties and still desperately chasing some Big Fish?

      Sorry, any woman over 40 who thinks she’s going to find that one baggage-less guy on Match is delusional. What we have to choose from, if we’re looking for LT, is the slim pickens of the slim pickens. Or we’re going to be part of a “harem.” Time to face reality.

      Want someone a little less baggage free, then date multiple people casually, and go younger? Just accept that you won’t have them forever.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 3

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      • Howard Says:

        I am not online anymore. Lots of guys that I know, have also gotten offline. We all eventually wised up to the fact that it wasn’t the best use of time. Sure, one could find someone, but it just took too much time sending out messages to women who got hundreds of messages and too many failed attempts with people who looked diferent from their pics and profile description.

        I have every reason to believe that the ranks have also similarly thinned out among women. When online got started, it was a different animal. It seems like a lot of the quality people hooked up or got offline and too many of what’s left are the next tier with baggage on both sides of the gender divide. Of course one can still find quality people. It has just gotten harder.

        I still believe offline is easier if one gets out often to situations where there are eligible people with similar interests and values. Forget the bar scene, think creatively. The problem most of us have is poor social skills when we meet people in person. Online became the crutch, but it’s time for us to walk on our own again.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 32 Thumb down 1

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          >I still believe offline is easier if one gets out often to situations where there are eligible people with similar interests and values. Forget the bar scene, think creatively. The problem most of us have is poor social skills when we meet people in person. Online became the crutch, but it’s time for us to walk on our own again.<

          I find I have a far better time and meet much better people when I go this route, but that I don't meet anyone who's actually single (I know, you did specify "eligible people"….the herd is just thinned so considerably past a certain age, no matter how you slice it). Of course, I'm mostly basing this on random nights out with friends and could maybe give more structured activity groups a try.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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          • myself Says:

            Went offline about a year ago. Offline or just living life without worrying about dating, whatever you want to call it. Much better time was had and oh ho lookie I actually met someone. He’s got baggage but damn…..anyone over 40 is going to. Oh and he has kids. Which is something I’ve tried to avoid but I like him so…..the kids are something that comes along with him…..

            Online didn’t work for me for a myriad of reasons, one being that, to paraphrase a friend, you need to speak to me in person to get my awesome. I have no doubt it’s like that for many people.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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          • Howard Says:

            I am no expert on what women encounter; I can only surmise. My gut feeling is that the online experience for women over 40 is very different from that of the women under 30. That parallels offline dating. I don’t believe there is any significant number of guys over 40, suddenly decicding to go online. The over 40 women are looking at the same bunch of guys from two years ago minus the good ones who found someone.

            Yes, some of these guys have repackaged, but it’s the same guys. Maybe the reason some women have found success in this age category is by revaluating and readjusting their own expectations.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              I kind of meandered a bit in making my point. Was just trying to say that yes, I agree, it’s much more pleasant to just go out and have fun and meet people naturally, but it’s a bit of a crap shoot as far as finding people who are available, so for that reason I see online dating as sort of a necessary evil (like “hey, at least I know they’re here looking for dates”). Although I do get pretty fed up and take really long breaks from the whole business.

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      • Eliza Says:

        As if anyone is going to “truthful” and actually come out and tell you they are married.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Well, if they don’t tell you, how do you know?

          Like I said it should happen onceand that’s it. If it keepshappening, you’re part of the problem.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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          • Eliza Says:

            No–there are some very deceptive people out there. You can meet in a public place, spend your valuable time and ask as many inquisitive questions — and that person can just be great at answering to benefit their own agenda. It happens to the best of us. Obviously, if that person keeps cancelling, or unable to meet, I walk away from the situation, since I assume they are spoken for.

            But no. I am not the common denominator–for liars out there. I move cautiously–and ask enough questions, but it doesn’t guarantee me that the person sitting across from me is there for the right reasons or being truthful with their status. It’s par of the course.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

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      • Eliza Says:

        Who said anything about wanting or expecting to meet a man without ANY baggage at all! moreso–after the age of 40. Re-read what I wrote. I stated that men who have “truckloads” of baggage–not a few issues–are the very ones that expect to meet a woman in her late 30’s or even 40’s that has no children, no baggage whatsoever! So–yes, they are delusional. Which is why on-line dating is a waste of valuable time. There is deception on the parts of both genders. Those 20 year old photographs that no longer apply? Well–that is a classic form of on-line deception that BOTH men and women use to meet someone. They feel they are a catch…more like “catch and release”. Doesn’t matter if a site is free (like Plenty of Fish)–or you pay some nominal fee — like Match.com…same nonsense and deception. There are a few honest folks out there, but not the norm. There is some baggage and then there are people who have so many issues, they need a team of therapists around the clock.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

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    • Jeff Says:

      Eliza, it is too bad that you consider my kids to be baggage. It’s comforting that you will most likely never meet them. Enjoy your, most likely, endless quest for that oh so perfect guy. Just remember after 40 the guys drive the bus & there are a lot of lonely 50+ year old women on the market.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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  3. northfork Says:

    things slow down in NYC dating-wise for summer season particularly those with weekend homes. perhaps that is also a factor.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  4. Paul M Says:

    A big problem is bots. The guys get winked at by hot women who don’t reply. Those hot women are bots, programmed to wink guys who have been inactive. Consequently, guys think girls flake more than they really do, and get demoralized.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • The D-man Says:

      Interesting, I’ve never had this happen to me.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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    • Eliza Says:

      Don’t people realize that websites like Match.com are also businesses and have and continue to involve themselves in scams! There are profiles on there that are fictitious, not even actually people. It’s bait and switch…used in marketing ALL the time. I remember seeing on the news a segment about a dating website–where someone’s photo was used, without their permission–and that person found out–and a profile was created, yet that person never registered! Match.com is not in business to actually get people together. Their basis of staying in business is selling that “hope”, but not necessarily delivering it. It’s what keeps them in business. People who still believe that 50% of what they read and see on those sites actually exist. Half of those profiles are inactive, or false.
      Which is why if you are going to approaching dating by going on-line just use a free site. Not worth wasting one’s money on site like Match.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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  5. John Says:

    Moxie,
    “Few people are scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through hundreds of profiles. They’re just doing multiple searches and sorting by different criteria.If you want to meet someone on OKC, you have to be proactive. Otherwise nobody will even know you’re there”

    If people are doing multiple searches and then sorting then why wouldn’t a profile be seen? If I am 45 years old, divorced, no kids and have been on OKC for 6 months with same screen name, then why wouldn’t I appear on a female’s search results? If you are saying that I would be at the bottom of that list then that is understandable. But are you implying that I wouldn’t appear at all?

    I would imagine that a 40something female looking for a 40something guy without kids isn’t a radical search criteria.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  6. LostSailor Says:

    I’m sorry to say that many of the men on OKC that are over 40 are a mess. They’re overweight or unkempt with very little polish.

    Hey! We’re not all overweight schulbs who don’t know how to wash or dress! I’ve had some luck with the mid-40s women on OKC and even get contacted somewhat regularly.

    As I noted in a comment thread a couple of months ago, my experience has been that the most activity happens just after Labor Day, just before the holidays and in January to mid-February, with sometimes a small up-tick around Memorial Day. Summer is usually slow, though this summer has been fairly busy for me. Maybe people are staying close to home this summer.

    Are women’s experienced really this dismal on OKC? I’ve only had a few people who’ve really flaked and not followed through on meeting up. Of course, I push for an off-line meeting pretty quickly and if it seems arduous to set a time and place, I’ll leave the ball in the lady’s court, which usually means they just fade. And are blocked. But I really haven’t experienced a lot of the time-wasting flakiness that is apparently so common.

    I also can carry on a conversation on a variety of topics, and genuinely interested in learning more about the women I see and religiously Fabreze myself before every date, so I guess I’m ahead of the game…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      You might know how to wash and dress, but your problems are the oversized forearms, the corn-cob pipe and the spinach addiction.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Nah. I ditched the pipe–was told smoking was bad for you or something–and switched to kale and Swiss chard. But you got me on the forearms and the huge anchor tattoo….

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  7. Robyn Says:

    I wouldn’t say that Match is hugely better than OKCupid. It’s somewhat better…

    Match may appear to be better because they have more members, so you might see a larger number of “better” profiles. BUT: The majority of people on Match are NOT paying members, so they can’t receive or send messages/e-mails – and Match does not identify the non-paying members in any way. This is deliberate on their part – they want paying members to attempt to contact the non-paying members in the hope that the non-payer will ante up once they get told that there’s an e-mail waiting for them.

    I think Match may even have fake profiles/members set up to send messages to members who have recently cancelled their paid membership. Every single time I’ve cancelled my paid membership, within a week I magically get e-mails in my Inbox that inevitably turn out to be one-liners from people that are in no way a match for me = spam.

    At least on OKCupid ALL members have the capability to contact / correspond with each other. So you have a better chance of your messages being read by the intended recipient, and therefore a better chance of a response.
    But I guess the down-side of that is that because it doesn’t cost anyone anything, they are more casual about using OKCupid (leading to the “e-mail back & forth but never meet up” / “perpetual pen pal” syndrome) versus a paid site.

    Back to Match…. it may be just me, but over the past 6-12 months I have noticed an ever-increasing number of what I believe to be completely fake profiles. When the profile says Executive/Management earning $150K+ a year, but the profile description is in really, really bad English that hardly makes sense, and the only photo is clearly a scan of an older printed photo – that just does not add up to a real genuine profile (to me anyway).

    I’m all in favor of the recently introduced Stir events organized by Match. It’s a pretty good way to meet multiple people in person, in a less stressful environment than a one-on-one “first meeting/date” with all its associated expectations.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Robyn….Match.com does scam people. When I cancelled in the past, bam! I get overwhelmed with obvious fake profiles as state by Robyn. A website like that should be closed down! It’s false advertising and unethical. The same faces appear on the free sites that grace the pages of Match.com. Same b.s. – and it’s usually a clear case of cut and paste when it comes to their profiles too. They use the same profile in various sites.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  8. Katherine Says:

    I’m happy I’m married. Being single is hard and I never had the balls for it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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    • offensivedan Says:

      Well, most women do not have balls to begin with, Katherine.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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      • Eliza Says:

        Hi offensive dan–actually some women have more balls than men! And that’s the truth, my friend.
        I have noticed there are less alpha men out there in the dating scene. So many spineless men.
        Afraid to just step up to a lady and introduce themselves.

        The women today — do it all. They work, are independent, own their homes, and have their act together. Hard to find a man with that. Or perhaps I am not looking in the right places?

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 10

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        • LostSailor Says:

          If you’re looking at work or in your own home, then yes, you may be looking in the wrong places.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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          • Eliza Says:

            I think not. Not looking in my own home? or at work. I know better than to do that.
            I stopped actively looking actually. Many meek, weak men today. Only met a few in my lifetime. Strong alpha men, who are go-getters…but they are usually married. Of course, they are sought after. The meek ones are usually not pursued. Again, a man is not necessarily as valuable as his assets. There are other qualities that speak volumes for one’s self worth. There are many inner qualities that make a man an alpha male, and that make a man very appealing to women in general. Success is not defined by possessions.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 10

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            • LostSailor Says:

              Uh, Eliza, it was a joke.

              But this comment goes a way toward explaining your other comments that come across as somewhat bitter disappointment. Of course, any human being is more than their surface impression and possessions. And of course, “meek” men are not pursued. That’s all kind of trite.

              But are you really looking at those inner qualities you so admire? It seems that you are only looking for and will only accept “strong alpha men.” Which would explain the disappointment. You’re quite correct that there are relatively few true alpha men in the population in general. And they’re either married or players…or out of reach. I don’t know you so I can’t answer that one. I’m reminded of the phrase “5 minutes of alpha beats 5 years of beta.”

              Those so-called “meek” men have been made that way by a feminist culture and a society that has trained them to be that way. True masculinity has been discouraged by our society for 40 years. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad men.

              Your comment up-thread The women today — do it all. They work, are independent, own their homes, and have their act together. Hard to find a man with that. is enlightening. If you do it all, are independent, etc., raises the question, with all that why do you need a man? The reality is, you don’t. But you apparently want a man, but that man must be a strong alpha.

              It seems to me that you’ve essentially priced yourself out of the market. Again, I don’t know you, so I have no idea what the answer to the next question is, but with your standards set so high, what do you bring to the table that will attract that strong alpha guy, assuming you can find him?

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

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              • Eliza Says:

                Well..it’s a shame society has managed to emasculate men to the degree that alpha males are rare to encounter. Just because a woman likes alpha male tendencies, doesn’t override or eliminate the fact that she appreciates other qualities. An alpha male can also be sensitive, and thoughtful. You don’t need to be a “player” or have callous tendencies to be an alpha male at all. Just be decisive, go after what you want, and don’t second guess your every move. Be confident and be comfortable with yourself and true to yourself. I believe those are the very same qualities many men find appealing in a woman.

                It’s nice to be around a masculine man, one that takes charge. And someone that is a man of his word. Whether our feminist culture has destroyed the alpha male is not a topic I will debate on, since I have not researched it much. But it makes sense. As for what I bring to the table? I bring sincerity, independence, an ability to look on the bright side of things, remain positive in the face of adversity and be a source of support when needed.

                Now, you ask what does a woman who “has it all and does it all” need with a man? did you ever stop to think that women who are self sufficient don’t need, but WANT a man to share their lives with the good and the bad the fun and the not-so-fun times. Someone to be there for support, and vice versa. For companionship, for laughs, for friendship. Women who are independent and don’t NEED a man are probably more capable of having a healthy relationship based on compatibility, rather than needs.

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                • Howard Says:

                  The opposite of the alpha male is the woman who exudes feminiity. It may thus be fair to imagine that alpha males are attracted to women who exude that femininity. Eliza, if you wish to attract an alpha male, you may want to tweak your demeanor to exude that feminiity.

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                • LostSailor Says:

                  Yes, yes, yes, of course. Women are attracted to the strong alpha guy. What else is new. And yes, it’s a fallen world where men have been trained and shamed into being deferential to women to a fault. While that situation may be slowly changing, it still has a very, very long way to go.

                  Of all the things you say you bring to the table, “independence” is the one that is not inherently attractive. If you can do it all and don’t “need” a man, why should a man “need” you? Men want to be needed; it’s in the genes. Sure, it’s fine to think that you can forge a real bond with a man based on mutual “want”, but without the “need” it’s not going to be lasting. Remember, alphas don’t need you.

                  The other problem is you’re looking for a unicorn. Actually a rainbow-colored unicorn that craps skittles. The strong, alpha man who is also thoughtful, sensitive, and caring. Yes, this unicorn does probably exist. But it’s a very rare creature and you’re not very likely to capture one in the wild. Hence, the disappointment. It’s no use moaning about the supposedly sorry state of men if you’ll only accept the creme de la creme. The competition has already beaten you.

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        • The Private Man Says:

          Actually, there are fewer and fewer men like that. As you likely looking to get involved with a man of a higher socio-economic status, it will be quite challenging. This situation is indeed exacerbated by a rising generation of men who – by choice or not – are practicing a low-velocity lifestyle of video games, porn, and low stress relatively dead end jobs.

          What this means is that a large number of women are only after a relatively small number of high-status men or men who know way too much Game. These guys can too easily become bed hoppers with no real motivation to commit.

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          • Eliza Says:

            I man doesn’t need to have some corner office to be an “alpha male”. He can be assertive and go after what he wants in his personal life, and just have regular occupation, no grand title. In my view, one is not defined by their occupation. They are more than that. Their personality, integrity, manners, values and intentions say a lot about who a person is. Not all women look for surface qualities, my friend. There are some of us that do look for “inner qualities” you don’t necessarily see in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. Those qualities usually don’t fade. Looks do.

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            • Joey Giraud Says:

              Look at what popular culture is telling young men they should be; sensitive, emo, soft, and ridiculous.

              It would be nice if people could just ignore these messages, but most can’t, men included.

              Plus, modern women in popular culture are more masculine then ever; what with all the big balls they have, Bruce Lee aggressiveness and “lady boners” and such. Men are expected to find that sexy I suppose.

              I’m glad I’m older and with no need to play in this field. Occasionally a foreign born woman turns me on with a warm smile and a longer-then-usual stare.

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              • Eliza Says:

                OK. Joey. I agree, with what you say to a point. However, I don’t see how a man can’t be masculine, just because he has a sensitive and emotional side to him. It’s part of being human…forget gender there. Not every woman has the “Balls of Bruce Lee”, not every woman is like Anna Wintour or any other similar high-powered executive tigress with that corner office and face of steel and matching heart. There are many feminine women out there that are successful, yet don’t have to be in that driver’s seat constantly. Women love being women, but they enjoy it more – around alpha males. Never said men are expected to find a callous, masculine woman sexy.

                Simply said it’s easy to be flirty, and feminine around alpha males. A smart woman today, will know how to strike a balance, regardless of how success they may be. There is a time for everything. A time to be feminine and let the man take charge, and then there’s that time to take charge in that conference room. An alpha male will actually appreciate a woman that knows the difference and knows how to maintain that balance.

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                • The Private Man Says:

                  “An alpha male will actually appreciate a woman that knows the difference and knows how to maintain that balance.”

                  Absolutely.

                  And those men (regardless of socio-economic status) will have a harem of such women. Why? Because they can and women tolerate it.

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                  • Eliza Says:

                    Got it. Actually an intelligent woman will walk away from a fan club. Why be on some waiting list? Not worth it. I presume this “harem” you mention will consist of needy women, who are looking to live off of whatever assets this man has acquired. If men want to be used like that, rather than be with someone for the right reasons…so be it. Good luck to them.

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                    • The Private Man Says:

                      I’m not referring to needy women at all. I am simply referring to any women who are attracted to alpha men and turn a blind eye to being in that harem. The soft harem is quite common because of a woman’s “never settle” attitude and an alpha man’s options. As he is the gatekeeper to commitment, he calls the shots.

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                    • Fiona Says:

                      But not every woman (eg. over 50) wants commitment so why is a soft harem (or soft stable?!) such a bad thing?? I believe that women actually call the shots but most just don’t know it.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Katherine…consider yourself truly blessed…especially since you are “happy”–and not trolling some website–while you are with someone…deceiving others, to feed your ego. Being single is better than being with a miserable man or woman, but you are right, it leaves a lot to be desired. But again, it’s not always an option. I don’t believe everyone “Chooses to be single”. The truth of the matter is, there are so many men and women out there that do not know how to have a relationship, a healthy one, and they are bsaically lost. They have “issues”–that get in the way of them finding someone. Or they are looking for the wrong things in someone. Similar to those old men in their 40’s and 50’s–looking to meet women in their 20’s and early 30’s. And women in their 40’s who are looking for men who look like they are in their 20’s. Now that’s delusional.

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Hey, what’s with all this dissing of us “old” men in our 40s and 50s?

        I personally don’t know any men over 40 that are looking to date women in their 20s. I, for one, strictly limit my dates to women between 31 1/2 and 33 3/4. But women in their 20s? No way. Their taste in music usually sucks…

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      • LostSailor Says:

        Oh, and while not everyone is single by choice. they are happy or unhappy by choice. Happiness is definitely a choice…

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        • Eliza Says:

          That LostSailor, I agree with–Happiness is most definitely a choice. Not dissing “old” men in the 40’s-or 50’s…just making an accurate observation…men feel a sense of entitlement. They feel they are entitled to women in their 20’s and 30’s…yet get annoyed that some of these women don’t have their act together. What do you expect–they are in their 20’s.

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          • LostSailor Says:

            Sorry. Gotta call BS on this. Men in their 40s and 50s feel entitled to women in their 20s and 30s? My accurate observation is that any man would be willing to bed an much younger woman, but they don’t feel in any way “entitled” to them. And they don’t want them for relationships for the reason you mention: the age gap is usually too large to bridge for a more mature man and a young woman who doesn’t have her “act together.”

            It’s not at all that older men feel “entitled” to younger women, but that men–of any age–are attracted to generally fit, emotionally stable, non-bitchy women. Men will always look for women who are younger than they are, and if I recall correctly, the historical average in the U.S. is about a 5-year difference. Yes, there are outliers, but they’re outliers.

            Of course, the “strong alpha men” of middle age will be able to pull much younger women, which may be the source of your supposedly “accurate” observation. And it may be true that the strong alpha men you are interested in are all dating those much younger women, but it is definitely not true of all men. Those “alphas” may indeed feel entitled to younger women for a very good reason: they have many options and can easily date them.

            Which brings up another question. Why do you think you’re entitled to a strong alpha man?

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            • Nathan Says:

              Those high end alpha males tend to feel entitled to everything. What looks like assertiveness is often just arrogance. But women like Eliza love to trash the rest of us guys for not being take charge enough. It’s all bitter bs because no one is good enough in the end.

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              • Eliza Says:

                Nathan. Who is “trashing the rest of your guys”–or you perhaps. I guess you categorize yourself with “the other men”? Taking charge of one’s life, being decisive, and assertive is a quality that is very appealing for BOTH genders. Who wants to be with someone that lacks confidence? Even men appreciate a woman that takes charge of her life, has goals. Well, most men find that attractive. Perhaps you are the bitter one, because you don’t feel you are an alpha male..or have those characteristics that most women gravitate to. Assertiveness does not have to equal arrogance or an egotistical personality. Not sure why you plugged in “high end”? Being an alpha male doesn’t automatically place you in some “high end” or “upscale” lifestyle. It’s just a personality trait. Doesn’t mean you are THE most successful person in your industry. Merely means you go after what you want, and don’t allow the idea of failure to get in your way. Success is not always measured by what we attain, but by what we sacrifice in order to attain what we ultimately get.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  You can talk til you are blue in the face, and have all kinds of opinions. Bottom line is you’re in your 40’s and single. It’s all a bunch of blather to help you feel better about the fact that you haven’t been able to find anyone.

                  The women who are constantly complaining about how weak and passive and creepy and broke and cheap men are, are the women who refuse to acknowledge that they are not attractive to the majority of men that they pursue. That’s it.

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                  • nathan Says:

                    Eliza, you said that alpha males are rare, and that “many, many men” are “meek” these days. That’s why I inserted the “high end” phrase you objected to. It had nothing to do with financial success. Had everything to do with this almost mythical male creature you’re pursuing who will take charge in all the right ways, is also sensitive and has an emotional side, wants long term commitment, respects an independent woman, etc. Good luck finding that guy. He might be out there, but it seems like looking for a needle in a haystack.

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                • chillybeans Says:

                  “Merely means you go after what you want, and don’t allow the idea of failure to get in your way”

                  Allrighty then……

                  Yup, I married an alpha male, who went after what he wanted which included other women. (BTW, I didn’t let myself go, or stop having sex with him, which so many clueless people blame for cheating in a relationship) But hey what do I know!
                  So good luck with your alpha male pursuit, didn’t work out so well for me
                  . Good relationships need negotiating and compromise, not” my way or the highway “(which my ex actually said in couples counseling)

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  9. Eliza Says:

    Who said I was entitled to anything? All I ever stated was that I was attracted to “alpha males”…they have that take charge attitude that MOST women find appealing. It’s sexy..as opposed to a man that second guesses his every move, and is so passive, he withdraws–when in fact he wants to get to know someone. I know plenty of women in their 40’s, who are very fit (physically, emotionally and fiscally), great personalities, and are not “bitchy”. Being younger doesn’t eliminate the “bitchy factor”. Whatever. These are just my observations, based on conversations I have actually had with men in their 40’s and even early 50’s.

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    • offensivedan Says:

      Eliza you sound like a major pain in the ass. You remind me of a song Slash wrote, which goes,”She’ll fuck with your head and put your balls on the wall.” I don’t think your problem is not being able to find an alpha male; rather, you need to chill.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Offensivedan–such an approp name for you. Because, it’s indisputable, that you are very “offensive”. Don’t blame me for having an opinion. Learn to respect people’s points of view. They don’t need to coincide with your mindset.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      It’s not just that you’re attracted to the strong alpha guy. Your sense of entitlement comes through loud and clear with the derogatory and denigrating way you reject and dismiss any man who isn’t that strong alpha guy. I suspect that these “passive” guys aren’t so much passive as they are having their every move analyzed and dissected by you, looking for any flaw that reveals a non-alpha trait. We know when you’re doing that, and it’s not attractive.Those attractive, feminine, supportive traits you claim to have will be willing given to the alpha unicorn, but not to anyone else. The other guys will easily see the derision you have for them.

      Of course young women can be bitchy, but she won’t be to the alpha guy–of any age–because he doesn’t have to put up with it.

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    • The Private Man Says:

      “All I ever stated was that I was attracted to “alpha males”…they have that take charge attitude that MOST women find appealing.”

      And herein lies the dilemma of Dating 2.0. Most women are indeed attracted to these alpha guys. But there are a limited number of such guys. There are two solutions to this problem:

      1. Women need to expand what they find attractive in men.

      2. Men need to learn the alpha characteristics and practice them.

      As #1 ain’t happening, some guys are learning alpha characteristics. What happens when a guy learns what it takes to attract more women? He dates more women and has little incentive to commit to any one woman.

      Hmmmm, perhaps #1 might be the better option for women.

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  10. Amanda Says:

    Try being 54 and single!!! Men in their 40s and 50s are still chasing 25 year olds and I’m done with online dating. Join Meetup.com and get involved in the singles groups. There are plenty of men that will date you in spite of your ELDERLY age. The men online are truly delusional.

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    • The Private Man Says:

      Why are men chasing younger women? Because that’s their biological job. And enough young women allow themselves to be caught so that that men (the strong, assertive, alpha guys) of that age can continue to do so.

      There’s no delusion here. There’s only the biological realities of dating that goes on behind the scenes of social expectations and political correctness.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 8

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    • LostSailor Says:

      The word “delusional” gets tossed around a lot here. I don’t think it means what you think it means. But as public service, I’ve submitted to the editors of Webster’s and the OED the following:

      delusional, noun: …[3] the mental state of any attractive person who doesn’t want to date me.

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  11. Mark Says:

    Rita (the OP);

    It might be a number of things that are causing this, or a combination of factors.

    Seasonality-It may well be that the summer months are the doldrums, and that things otherwise pick up at other times of the year. Very possible.

    Profile-It could be that updates to your profile might be a good idea in order to keep things fresh. Stale is not the order of the day. It could also be that you have fallen into a demographic which, for some reason, is less appealing than other members of a different set. Matching who you are with people you are interested in may affect your success rate.

    The site-It’s possible that the format of how a profile is presented might influence your success. Or, it could be the type of people who are on is changing. As it is becoming more and more commonplace I wouldn’t be surprised if there are more flakes or disingenuous people on them who otherwise are time wasters.

    There are certainly other issues to consider. If that is the case, then it would make things all that much more of a challenge. If that’s is the true, then you might want to be more proactive about your activity with your search. That might not sit well with you, I can’t say. But if your success is tapering off, then a less passive approach should be seriously considered.

    Best of luck.

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  12. VJ Says:

    All I’ve got to say is this by way of commentary…

    http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/19745357

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  13. Allan Says:

    For me online dating is an increasingly pointless exercise, but meeting people through clubs, especially via meetup, has taken off for me. And there nobody looks at you funny if you have an extensive conversation without deciding to ask them out. Also, activities that are physically challenging weed out the couch potatoes and high maintenance prima donna’s.

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  14. Nathan Says:

    Four basic rules for online dating:

    1. Keep your profiles positive and truthful, and photos up to date.

    2. Don’t obsess about results, other lack there of. If you are not having any luck, experiment with a new profile or different approach. Don’t let perceived rules or gender roles limit your experimentation.

    3. If you find yourself getting bitter, step away from the computer and stop for awhile.

    4. Stop listening to the endless amounts of contradictory advice out there and learn to feel confident and secure in who you are. That way, whether you are single or with someone, you won’t be controlled by feelings of desperation and the whims of others.

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  15. Reader Says:

    There’s really not a lot of profiles on Match.com which are 35+. According to my analysis, Match.com mostly caters to people in their late 20s (both male/female), because ages 27-28 have the highest number of profiles there. By 35 there are only half as many profiles as at 28, and this trend is true for both males and females.

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  16. GuyDatingAbroad Says:

    I think online dating has been on the decline for years now. I have noticed the decline is picking up steam in the last year or so.

    Dating websites were popular ten years ago, as was even the personals section on CraigsList. Look at what is on CraigsList these days. I believe dating websites are headed in the same direction as CraigsList Personals.

    Things are a little different in every city. Where I live, Plenty of Fish and Okay Cupid are still used successfully by the 18-to-twentysomething crowd. I guess because they are free. Hardly anyone who is 30 years and older and serious is not on there. They try Match, but as noted by others here, Match is growing into a scam. The only somewhat “reputable” dating site around here is eHarmony, but even that is gaining a legion of doubters.

    The trend seems to be going towards other forms of finding dates. Facebook for one, but I have also noticed a huge decline in Facebook as a dating tool.

    Speed dating used to be popular here between 2003 to 2008. Around 2009, speed dating in my city started gaining a tired image. These days around here, it’s not seen as cool but almost as an oddity. The singles that attend are like a live version of Plenty of Fish! Imagine that. It is funny to say, but frustrating when you attend a few times and leave realizing that was what it was. In fact, speed dating companies have seen declining business, because they can’t get enough members these days.

    Where I live, many Meet-Up groups that have been growing. Right now, it’s popular with the 30-something set. The hosts of speed dating events have told me that the singles all heading to the free Meet-Up groups have really taken away their business.

    I also see a rise in event promoters using distribution lists to host “private” parties focussed on some theme like business networking, fashion launch, and such. They charge $20-30. These promoters are usually, but not always, stylish 25-35-year-old women with their own blog covering the fashion or social scene in town. This is a new trend, but I can see it does not work well. 90% of the guys and 50% of the women that attend are lurking for dates, while the rest are there for the event.

    What I really see happening is that singles are going back to the old fashioned method of going to live activities they enjoy. Dating is not even on their mind when they do this. I notice much fewer singles are really interested in a relationship these days. They are saying it’s great if it happens, but they aren’t going to make the effort to search. I think this is a societal trend. I don’t know what is behind it. If we are not of that camp and really want a relationship, it’s going to be that much harder to find a like-minded single in the mid-30s+ range. That’s why I am now exploring abroad.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I’ll say this…

      I re-wrote the copy for our speeddating events, specifically noting that we kept our events to 7-10 couples so that we could avoid the online dating shopping cart mentality, and almost immediately – in both NYC and Boston – registrations DOUBLED.

      As I’ve said before about the free Meetup Groups, the only members those events are pulling are the people who don’t want to pay for anything. That works quite well for me, as I do to want people like that at our events. It’s always the people who pay the least that expect the most. We do the monthly Art & Wine event – for which we charge about $30. That includes a gallery rental, open wine bar that lasts throughout the event and food. The only people who ever complain about the price are the people who don’t live in Brooklyn or Manhattan.

      I’ll also say this. In the past 6 months, when I go out or to events, I end up exchanging numbers with someone/getting asked out. This, along with the fact that I have fine tuned all of my online dating profile filters, has made me much, much happier and more satisfied with dating. I’m getting a much higher return on investment for the time/money I spend.

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      • Trouble Says:

        I have not been online for about 5 years now. I can’t speak to the culture of online dating, at all. But, one thing I will say about some of the posters in this thread…When you have gotten to the point that you are feeling super negative about dating, take a break. If you don’t, you will get into a cycle where your negativity comes through in every interaction you have with other people, and that negativity will make people even less interested in you.

        Moxie has a very positive outlook about her life right now, and her posts radiate confidence and contentment. Happiness and self-confidence are attractive qualities that draw other people to you. Negativity, cynicism and bitterness are really unattractive, and nobody wants to be around Debby Downer. As soon as a decent person picks up on that “life sucks” vibe, they literally will be to the hills to get away from you.

        When you catch yourself bitching that “all the men/women on the internet are lying assholes/dinner whores,” the problem isn’t the men/women on the internet. It’s you. You are the only common element in the situations you are experiencing. That’s a good warning sign that you need to change your focus and do something different for a while. Stop struggling with the dating world and turn your focus to something else. Dating can be draining, and it’s hard to endure it indefinitely. Focus on filling your cup back up, regaining your positive outlook on life, and making yourself happy and content with your life.

        Change your attitude/perspective/behavior, and you will change your outcomes.

        It’s happened to many of the old-time posters on this board (Craig and I, for instance).

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      • offensivedan Says:

        What kind of events are you going to where you exchange your number? I ask, because I am trying to figure out the best places to meet women in their thirties and forties.

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        • Allan Says:

          Meetup.com has camping, photography, hiking, museum going, sailing, board game, theater, philosophy, wine tasting and poetry reading groups (among many many others). When I like a woman I give her my card if the conversation is reasonable and the opportunity arises, then I put all that to the back of my mind (so much so that I sometimes don’t know who is calling if they wait a week to get in touch). It’s somewhat easy for me because I host sailing events, and I get to pick who crews my boat. Most of all I find it’s better to concentrate on enjoying what you have than pining over what you don’t have.

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