Several months back, I emailed a guy on OKCupid. We exchanged about 3 messages,most of which revolved around our thoughts on the site and online dating in general. Since I don’t do the extended email exchange thing, I responded to his last email by saying, “So, Mr. Username. What’s our next move?”
I was giving him the green light. I awaited his email response with a suggestion of when to meet. Instead I got this:
“Ha well what would you like? And what kind of guy are you attracted to physically?”
Wrong answer. For starters, I emailed him. Ergo, I must have found him physically attractive. I get a question like that and I wonder why it’s being asked. To me, that’s a bad sign. Like maybe he no longer looks like his photos. Or that he’s insecure and needs coddling. Whatever it was, he was stalling. The moment I sense that, I bail. Of course, within 20 minutes, I had another message from him asking if he had scared me off. I replied and told him that all the questions were giving me pause and that I prefer more assertive men.
He replied assuring me that he was confident and assertive when need be. But, see, what he didn’t do was show me how confident he was. Remember, online dating is about showing. Not telling. That was his opportunity to seize the moment and suggest a certain night when we could meet for a drink. Instead he offered a series of excuses. I didn’t reply. He then emailed me again saying, “Oh well. Guess you’re not interested. If you change your mind you know where to find me.”
Three strikes and you’re out. Between the multiple follow up messages and strange questions, this guy made it abundantly clear he was ambivalent. Maybe even not terribly interested. Either way, I punched out.
Some will say, and I see their point, that I could have asked him out. But, much like some of you red pillers, I have my own filters. I open the door. If he walks in, then that’s a sign he’s confident and, hopefully, will be easy to deal with. It also indicates a level of genuine interest. If he stalls, as this guy did, that means he needs cajoling or is hesitant for some reason. Not for me. While submissiveness has a time and place, passivity does not. I also threw away my tap shoes, which means I don’t feel a need to perform for some stranger. Meet me or don’t. Just don’t waste my time.
Many will say that I was quick to judge. Yup. Welcome to online dating in 2012. Where everybody judges swiftly and harshly and there are no second chances.Whether this is accurate or not, we all believe we have plenty of options. Granted, many of us have fewer than we realize. But you are never going to convince someone that they aren’t as great of a catch as they think they are. So don’t bother.
This is why messages that simply say, “Hi” get ignored by most women. ( Unless the guy is hot, of course. Then his two character greeting is considered succinct and direct. That’s sexy. The truth is that many people have these arbitrary rules and guidelines that, in the end, mean and prevent us from nothing. They don’t actually work. We just think they do.) It’s not that we all need to feel inordinately special, though many do. We want to meet people that seem like they want to meet us.
I assume that men are communicating with multiple women at any given time. But I don’t want to know it. But that’s how the whole “let’s throw this against the wall and see what sticks” attitude conveyed in exchanges and messages like the ones discussed here come across. Aimless. Random. I’m happy to show interest , but it has to be mutual.
There’s a line between pursuing someone and chasing them.
Nobody wants to have to chase.