Question: I would like a woman’s perspective on this scenario. A woman contacted me on a dating website and we spoke on the phone after a couple of emails. She is 49 and never married. She lives in the Bronx and doesn’t have a car due to the availability of public transportation. I live in Westchester about 20 minutes away and do have a car.
The conversation of dating came up and she mentioned that the women these days make her look bad because they give it up so quickly. She also mentioned the last guy she dated ended it after 3 dates because she didn’t have a car.
My male perspective on it is this; her 3 date guy did all the commuting, possibly all the paying of the dates and barely got a goodnight kiss after 3 dates. If he was on the verge of having things escalate more physically, he would have continued to date her regardless of her car-less lifestyle. But the physical part was probably not on the horizon. The excuse he gave was that he wanted her to have a car to be able to go to him sometimes when in all probabilty, he was invested way more than her without any kind of payoff.
Is she a time-waster? I can see this scenario playing out again and if I can learn from this other guy’s experience with her, it would save me a lot of time and expense (gas, bridge toll, drinks,etc). I am surprised she shared both of those tidbits of info. Its like she was saying “the guy has to come to me and we go out and he will have to do this for a while before he gets any action”.
And thats fine if thats the message. I understand that going in. But am I misinterpreting that message? Thats why I would like your opinion. I do have other ladies I am in contact with on same site so I do have other options.
The truth is that this woman hasn’t a clue why she is single. She’s told herself that it’s because she, unlike all those sluts out there, values herself more. She honestly believes that a man should hike all the way from Westchester or where ever just to spend time with her. She doesn’t feel the need to make any concessions. She’s not going to commute, she’s not going to date locally, and she certainly isn’t going to have sex. Sex, for her, is just a means t an end. Something she has to endure in order to keep a man. It’s certainly not for enjoyment or to feel closer to a guy. It’s a tool. That’s it. Fun fact: People who actually enjoy sex have it. They don’t look for reasons to abstain.
She’s laying out her terms right upfront. “Don’t expect me to put out any time soon. You need to prove yourself to me.” Which clearly works since she’s 50 and alone. She has convinced herself that all men want is sex and that the problem is them, not her.
Yes, she’s a time waster. She truly believes that that guy ditched her after 3 dates because she didn’t have a car. Um, no. He got rid of her because he wasn’t getting a return on investment.
I am surprised she shared both of those tidbits of info. Its like she was saying “the guy has to come to me and we go out and he will have to do this for a while before he gets any action”.
I’m not surprised she told you these things. You are correct in your interpretation of her statements. She was telling you, before you even meet, what to expect from her. Which would be nothing. She might even be feeling a bit guilty or defensive, which could also explain her truthiness. She wanted you to validate her selective memory and reasoning. That’s what your purpose is…to validate her choices and the fact that she’s 50 and single.If you chose to see her despite these revelations, then that meant you really liked her. What women need to understand is that she might reveal to a guy that she attends furry conventions and eats melted cheese off a plate and he’ll still go out with her. As long as there is a chance he’ll get laid, he’s going in. Especially if the woman makes it a point to say that he won’t get laid. The gauntlet has been thrown. That’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. (And I honestly believe that women like this know that, which is why they do it. They want the guy to try just so they can feel desired.)
People don’t end up 40 or 50 and never married by accident. They either chose that route or they continued repeating bad behavior without ever doing a little inventory and examining their choices and belief systems. If she were one of those women who genuinely chose to be single, then she’d probably be a little less rigid about things.The fact that she’s still clinging to stupid rules and has deluded herself into believing that she could be 50 and live in the Bronx and men would still schlep to date her tells me she’s single by circumstance, not choice.
I included the meme above because a friend created it for me when I told him a woman once asked for a refund for a speeddating event because we changed the venue. The new venue was on the same side of town as the old one and was maybe 15-20 blocks away. But she wanted a refund because she’d have to take an extra bus to get there. Oh. So, what would she do if she met a great guy and he lived in that neighborhood? What then? Ohhh. Right. He’s supposed to come to her. Good luck with that.
At a certain point, people need to dispose of the rigidity and rules. Sorry, kids. But once you hit your 40’s, you just don’t have a leg to stand on like you used to. People will tolerate a level of difficulty if there is a pay off of some kind, like you’re hot or rich or have a great apartment or are great in bed. But no matter how great you think you might be, once you hit your late thirties and older, there will always be someone hotter, richer, better in bed, etc..and younger.
Women like the one from this letter are all over Manhattan. You can spit in the blogosphere and read posts written by women just like this one. 32, 35, 37, 40, 43 and kvetching about their dates. Things will never change for them. They’re lost causes, desperately trying to re-write history. They, like the single woman in this letter, are time wasters.
Nobody likes the idea of “settling” or compromising. But that’s exactly what we need to do if, by a certain point, we haven’t found what we believe we are looking for. The rules and lists need to go and you need to be more flexible and accommodating. If you refuse, then you don’t really want a relationship. You just want to be right. And right you will be. In your mind, at least. You can skip around your apartment, by yourself, telling all your friends and followers and readers how “right” you are. If that sates you, then God bless ya.
But if you have to continuously remind everybody how right you are and how happy you are and how you’re soooooo much better than everybody else, that might be a sign that you’re not as happy being right as you think. Step aside, ladies. Because all those “sluts” out there? The ones who happily plan the date and pay their way and put out? They’re taking your men.