How Do You Online Date When You’re Not Attractive “Enough?”

Moxie, I suggest that you finally deal with the fact that you are not beautiful. I know it stings, and it seems unfair. – Anna

Well, I’ll disagree with you there. I happen to think I’m quite beautiful. As I’ve said before, I was blessed with great genes and features. I happen to think my facial features are quite stunning.

I think what you meant to say was that you don’t believe men find me beautiful. I would have to agree that many men do not find me subjectively beautiful. I’ve spoken before of the fact that I’m someone who becomes more attractive when you meet them. As far as a one dimensional profile goes, I’m about a 5 or a 6. In person I can shoot up to a 7. Maybe a 7.5.

This means that, as far as online dating goes, I have to be more proactive. I would get a number of men who look at my profile two, three, five times. They’re trying to determine what I’d look like in person and whether they were attracted enough to meet me. When I switched out my photos awhile back I had three different guys who, in the past had viewed my ad multiple times, contact me. Ahh. NOW I was attractive enough. NOW I was worthy of those precious 60 minutes of cocktail time. (No, I didn’t meet them.)

That, my friends, is what online dating has become. Take a look at your visitors list. See all those people, most of which you find greatly unattractive? Those are the more proactive users of that site. See, they are proactive because they have to be. They have to message people, because they’re probably not getting many if any messages. They do not fall into the 7,8, 9 category. Not on paper, at least. In person, they might. Unfortunately, most people aren’t willing to spend an hour or so to meet someone who might be a 7, 8 or 9. So the trick is finding people to whom you are a 7,8 or 9. Unless you like singing for your supper. In which case, have at it. The reason you don’t see more attractive people looking at your profile is because those attractive people aren’t looking at your profile. They’re probably not looking anybody’s profile. They’re just waiting for you to contact them. Personally, those aren’t the people I like to meet. I only prefer to meet the people who take initiative. It leaves me with fewer options, of course. But I’d rather fewer, more quality options than chasing around people who have no intention of being caught.

That other segment of people? The ones you message that don’t respond? Yeah, they’re not as proactive. They don’t have to be. They’re either being inundated with messages or they have no intention of meeting anyone anyway and just want to see who contacts them. They’re the 1%. The rest of us? We’re the 99%. When you can accept that, you’ll have much more success. That I can promise you.

Generally, my view of women who message first is that they are of lower value than the ones you have to work for. Completely illogical, but that’s the impression I get. Especially if she’s older, overweight and not so attractive. I generally don’t reply to those, but I can see how some guys with approach anxiety would get an ego boost from these broads. – Dan

I don’t happen to agree with Dan. But, sadly, this is how many people on these sites think. Of course, it speaks volumes about their own ego, self-loathing and self-esteem, but we’ll pretend that isn’t a factor for a moment.

And the truth is that most people are average looking if not hideous trolls, and don’t have so many options as they believe – even guys who dissect body parts and provide criticism on blogs. Most guys are happy to get sex once in a while. So, you’re the exception? Who cares.- DMN

DMN suggested it once, and I scoffed at first, but I’ve come around to his Svengali-like ways. I’ve stopped cold calling on these sites. It began to feel like wasted energy. I only contact people who viewed my profile, favorited me or rated me highly. Of course, I also only messaged with men who contact me first. I was pleasantly surprised when I showed up for a date a a little while ago and the guy looked completely different than his photos. In a good way. In fact, he looked quite  a bit like an actor I’ve swooned over for some time. Bonus.  Had he not contacted me, I probably wouldn’t have met him. But, see, I’m a 5/6 on those sites. I have to be more flexible. (But talk about a pay off. )

I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the initiative. You should contact people. I’d just suggest having little to no expectations in those cases, as the likelihood of them replying and being serious about meeting people and not just attention whoring is slim.

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89 Responses to “How Do You Online Date When You’re Not Attractive “Enough?””

  1. Anna Says:

    I am sure you are very attractive. But there has to be some disconnect somewhere for you to have that huge chip on your shoulder. There is no nonsense dating advice, but you take things to an unprecendented level. There is no hope, no zest for life or humour on this site. Just darkness, crassness and bitterness. Really depressing.

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    • Dan Says:

      What we are witnessing here is a middle-aged woman’s mid-life crisis. The point at which she realizes that her opportunity for rides on the proverbial cock carousel are slowing down, and the amount of men willing to pump and dump her are slowly dwindling down to very few.

      Women with inner beauty and femininity don’t need to try so hard, as they are deluged with male suitors. This is advice I hope you will heed, Moxie.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 34 Thumb down 43

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        If you believe all this, then why are you chasing the woman on the carousel? I guess this is what I don’t understand about you red pill guys. You lash out at the sluts and carousel riders…but those are the women you go after. It just doesn’t make any sense.

        I honestly don’t understand your logic. You go for the women for whom you have to “work harder” as you put it. But you have to work harder because they have many options aka carousel rides. I read your blogs, and every story is the same. You go for the very women you rail against. It’s like watching a dog chase its tail.

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        • Dan Says:

          Moxie, not all women are carousel riders, but from what you have shared on this site, you appear to be riding a carousel of some sort.

          From my observations, women on the carousel need very little “chasing”. Their string of broken short-term relationships and eagerness to show that they are more “fun” than other women speaks volumes.

          They are usually the ones showing off their bodies in spanx and little dresses on dating sites, getting inappropriately drunk at bars and clubs, bring very little to the table except being DTF. I leave those types to the fellas who enjoy dealing with well-ridden low-self esteem women.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Maybe I date men who don’t judge me based on limited bits of information and then go on to create some non-existent back story?

            I’ve shared little to nothing on this site other than I date men. I don’t talk about my sex life. I don’t even talk much about my dating life. You’ve manufactured a history for me that may or may not exist based on your own biases.

            You’re no different than the very women you mock. How do you reconcile that hypocrisy?

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      • The D-man Says:

        I’ve benefited from taking the red pill as much as anyone, but the whole hypergamy/cock carousel thing is such nonsense.

        In my experience most of the young, beautiful women I meet are in long-term relationships and don’t just jump at every opportunity to step up the ladder. Hell, many of them are married by the time they’re 25 to an above-average guy (but not a 1 percenter) they met freshman year in college.

        Strictly speaking, there probably are a few women like that, but not enough to where you should think of it as a widespread archetype. All it does is make you bitter and you waste time thinking about game “tactics” instead of working on yourself.

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        • Miixxy Says:

          ha! can you hear it Moxie? can you hear the raging sour grapes, that become bitter whine? lol…”you’re just jealous” is really funny when a man does it. c’mon people, i don’t see a breakdown anywhere. i see a self directed, thoughtful, spunky, fierce, ATTRACTIVE woman doing her thing. and very well. she gets PAID for it people. you come here to bitch? lol…awesome. you just gave Moxie some more traffic. oh you posted a scolding, belittling comment – bonus interaction for her stats! plus, you out yourselves as very small, peevish people who take the first chance to dig or swipe at this amazing woman. shame on you, Anna – woman to woman, you just mean girled up. instead of cheering on a fellow woman discussing these issues, you go right for the looks – ouch. then to some perceived chip on Moxie’s shoulder. the mean girl one-two punch. luckily, Moxie can rope a dope with the best. She comes off sounding self assured, reflective and honest, and you peeps just sound, well, pathetic. do you, Mox, you rox sox.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      There is no nonsense dating advice, but you take things to an unprecendented level.

      Of course. That’s the point. The woman in the previous letter ended up 50, never married and alone because nobody dared say to her what was said in that letter. You’re not looking for “hope.” You’re looking for someone to tell you that everything you’re doing is right, and one day you’ll magically find your prince charming. Sorry, but by 35 or so, if it hasn’t happened, it’s not going to unless some major changes and concessions are made. You can see that as bleak if you like. Or you can see it as honest advice. You want platitudes. We don’t do that here. There’s plenty of humor her. It’s just at your expense.

      But you know that.

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      • Dan Says:

        Just curious… you’re closer to 50 than you are 35, and have never been married either. Why are women asking you for dating advice when your approach has obviously failed for you too?

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Women and men come to me because I can breaks down most situations accurately and objectively. I don’t need a ring on my finger or a committed relationship to practice common sense or critical thinking.

          Again, you’re displaying behavior that is typically female. Really? The “you’re not married so why should we listen to you” insult? Would you like a tampon and a Cosmo to go with that?

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        • Trouble Says:

          So, the only person who can counsel drug addicts and alcoholics is an alcoholic? Someone who is able to offer objective, common sense advice, in a blunt fashion without sugarcoating, is rare.

          I used the advice I got from Moxie in combination to coaching by a close male friend to adjust my approach to dating, and ultimately, I met someone and got married. I didn’t follow everything Moxie says slavishly, but there was a lot of advice dished up here that was exactly what I needed to hear.

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        • peppermint Says:

          People who have struggled with any given challenge, who’ve made mistakes, tried different things and figured out what works and what doesn’t are usually in a better position to give credible advice about it. Who’s gonna be more helpful with helping you lose weight — the person who’s struggled with being overweight and made progress, or the one who’s naturally thin? Michael Jordan is great at basketball but he probably isn’t very good at teaching it.

          Anyway, dating is not some highly specialized activity like playing basketball or performing surgery. It’s basically about developing communication skills, self-awareness and critical thinking — all skills that are not specific to dating.

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    • Snowflake Says:

      “Beautfy fades, dumb is forever” , “Beauty gets you in the door, after that you better bring something else to the table.”

      Seriously are you guys insane? Glass bottom glasses much?! You think that comment is constructive?

      Moxie is stunning. It does not take rocket science to see that. And in my opinion those who bluntly state other wise are just JEALOUS!

      Friends of mine know this girl at the gym we go to who is a blonde bombshell but she has the personality of a piece of cardboard, 5 mins is all it takes for that to be unveiled. So again as superficial as you think women to look like a dam runway model to date online, lets see how far in life you can get with that mindset.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        this girl at the gym we go to who is a blonde bombshell but she has the personality of a piece of cardboard, 5 mins is all it takes for that to be unveiled.
        Of course; and that lack of personality means men will deem her “not relationship material” as discussed–but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to have sex with her.

        That’s exactly what is referred to by the expression “Beauty gets you in the door, after that you better bring something else to the table.” The hot-but-vapid woman you refer to undoubtedly gets tons of dates–but I doubt many guys end up sticking around for more than a month or two, and she is unlikely to marry unless she “accidentally” turns up pregnant. OTOH, no matter how much a woman brings to the table in other areas, most guys will never notice her in the first place unless she has a minimum level of physical attractiveness.

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        • K Says:

          All true, and I would argue that Moxie has a sufficient level of physical attractiveness, as evidenced by the facts she’s reported – she seems to go on a fair amount of dates, some of which have developed into relationships in the recent past. That’s online dating success. As others have pointed out, she obviously looks good to some men, and she seems to know her audience.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            As much as I appreciate the compliments and support, it’s important to consider the sources of the critiques.

            I think it’s pretty obvious, at least in Vox’s case, based on her past commentary, personal history and emotional volatility that she is neither rational nor stable.

            I don’t know what Dan’s issues are, nor do I care.

            Opinions of people like this don’t affect me. But thank you for the defense and th ekind words. I appreciate.

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        • Snowflake Says:

          There in lies the issue. Anna and Dan are implying that Moxie does not have ANYTHING it takes to even get a date because her looks ACCORDING to them are non-existent. According to these two, she is delusional to fathom that she will get a date or even date anyone for any length of time hence any of her advice she provides her readers all fall short.

          CR – in your opinion how does the bombshell in the gym differ from Moxie? Bombshell is pumped and dumped, arm candy, only good for appearances, so she gets men but is she good for LTR, can she give good advice to the masses? Moxie is stunning and intelligent, gives great critical thinking advice, processes facts not mere assumptions, oh and did I mention she has a brain.

          Here is another fact – what is good looking to me may not be so to another. Example… I think Daniel Craig (as Bond, especially in the opening ceremonies is swoonerific, my gf does not like him at all), so is he or isnt he good looking?

          My point is y’all holding up this supermodel yardstick to measure both men and women failing to recognize that beauty IS in the eye of the beholder.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Ok. I appreciate the “stunning” compliment but…please stop. Ann is Vox. Anonymouse is also Vox. Most of us figured it out awhile back and just played along. Nothing that comes from any of those usernames should be take seriously. Anybody who witnessed her implosion a few months ago knows she’s not stable. So let’s not open up discussion based on her opinions, because they mean nothing.

            Dan’s stuff? Eh, argue it if you like.

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          • Saj Says:

            A yes for CRAIG! But he is a good example. Some girls will look at his eyes bod and confidence and swoon. Others will only see his wrinkles and a passing resemblence to a mountain troll. Should girl number two write to Craig and tell him to stop terrorizing her Tv with his face? Oh and online dating? Unless his profile picture is of his wallet don’t bother.

            Some have to look harder for who swoons for us and find the right balance in attracting them then dance like a monkey for someone who will never take us seriously.

            Like the curves post. I could have gotten wounded for guys commenting on their love for them when I’m the stick they were dissing or just ignore it as a you can’t be everyones or most everyones cup of tea.

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    • Howard Says:

      This must be the trick question of dating. If you accept that you are not attractive enough, then its hard to project the confidence, optimism and inner peace with yourself to attract that suitable person. So most people in this position, do denial, to protect their confidence and optimism. Going into the mode of not being attractive enough, can easily cause withdrawal from the act of seriously looking.

      To achieve something that is achievable, we have to make that thing a priority and work at it. Bringing enthusiasm and optimism also really helps. That said, one should also be aware of what one’slevel is. Most times, it’s really hard to accept what that is. One does not even have to be unattractive to find difficulties there.

      The following people are a manifestation of not having some idea what one’s level is:

      People who constantly complain of no one being out there.
      Women who get endlessly pumped and dumped.
      People who go on an endless string of only first and second dates.
      Guys who see all women as users, dinner whores etc
      Women who continually see all guys as only after sex.

      There is someone for everyone. Most people have something that appeals to someone of the other gender that is in a similar position. It’s just a matter of personal choice whether one accepts what’s available for him or her; or continually bitch about the unavailable grapes being sour grapes.

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  2. myself Says:

    The saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a very correct one. What I consider attractive isn’t what the next woman will consider attractive, same works for men. My guy is always telling me I’m beautiful (and I keep telling him he needs a new glasses prescription), but that is his perception. So honestly, someone saying you aren’t beautiful, that’s what only they see, others undoubtedly havea diffrent perception (I’m a bad judge, I believe you’re a very attractive person, but I’m also a photographer of people and as such can usually find something beautiful about every face I see……but I feel if you’re getting dates, how in hell can you not be attractive to someone? Pshaw as they say)

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      My guy is always telling me I’m beautiful (and I keep telling him he needs a new glasses prescription),
      You (and every other woman that does this) need to break that habit–stat. If someone compliments you, you say “thank you”. No buts, either. It doesn’t matter if you agree with them. To reject their compliment is to tell them that you don’t value their opinion and, by extension, them. For obvious reasons, that is not a good long-term strategy.

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      • Erin Says:

        CR this the best advice you have ever put on this blog. My Mom told me as a little girl if someone pays you a compliment you say Thank you and that’s it, don’t go telling the person why they are wrong in their opinion.!

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      • myself Says:

        I do say thank you..it’s actually a joke when I tell him that…my sarcasm doesn’t come through in writing I’m afraid.

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        • The Private Man Says:

          Drop the sarcasm, too. That’s an extremely unfeminine quality. And don’t ask your man if he likes your sarcasm or not. He will lie.

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          • myself Says:

            We’re actually equally as sarcastic and that was one of my qualities that he liked, mentioned the first time we talked. Just because it doesn’t work for you (just as looks are subjective), doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for him. We both have British backgrounds, it’s in the blood.

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            • LostSailor Says:

              Oh, you’re British? Then by all means, sarcasm away. It’s practically a national sport…

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              • myself Says:

                Naw LostSailor, but my family yes, sarcasm is like breathing to us….the man’s dad was a Brit…

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          • Miixxy Says:

            sarcasm has a gender? geez, thanks for telling me, brah. /sarcasm with the ovaries on

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          it’s actually a joke when I tell him that
          Whether you consciously intend it as a joke or not, the sarcasm undermines your expression of appreciation and devalues the compliment on a subconscious level–for both of you. If you absolutely cannot stay quiet after thanking the giver, then find an honest compliment to give in return–or, in the case of your man, put your mouth to more productive use by giving him a kiss.

          I know this may seem like a trivial thing, but someone beat the idea of gracefully accepting compliments into my head a few years ago, and since then it has been remarkable how positively it has affected both how I see myself and how others see me. Instead of focusing on why someone is wrong, I accepted that they at least might be right and focused on trying to see what they did. And I give a lot more (genuine) compliments myself.

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  3. PhillyGal Says:

    It really does boil down to the photos you choose on these sites. I just swapped out a couple on 1 site and the attractiveness of the men messaging me and “favoriting” me skyrocketed. It’s a very accurate photo that highlights my curves and that really seems to have changed the game here.

    As far as the whole “who messages first” sitch, I have an interesting caveat. I’m black and a lot of the men that I find attractive…aren’t. So an attractive white or Asian guy could check me out, but oftentimes they won’t message me first (many still seem to assume that black women only date black men). The minute I say hi, they jump into action and the conversation begins. So I don’t feel like I have a choice but to throw out a couple of “cool profile, would love to chat” emails here & there.

    In the end, I think it does someone boil down to that whole curly/curvy thing. Some dudes love it. Others don’t. You just find the ones who are into your brand of vodka and keep it moving.

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    • MsAdrianna Says:

      Thanks for posting, PhillyGal. I’m an attractive black female, too, but had very little success with online dating over the years. Many lookeeLou’s and not enough messagers. I think I’ll take your approach and see what happens. :)

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      • PhillyGal Says:

        Glad you (and others) appreciated what I had to say and I hope it helped! As an update, I continue to have much more success since making the aforementioned tweaks. I’m having fun and that adds to your confidence which adds to attractiveness which adds to the positive energy you put out into the world. It’s all interconnected.

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  4. Ashley Says:

    I have a little bit of online dating experience, but not a whole lot and not in recent years, so my opinion might not mean much here, but I can imagine men might have higher expectations in the looks department with online dating. For one, they have the idea that they have options and they are going to go for the most attractive ones they see first. Secondly, since they don’t know what your personality is like, looks is top priority and info on your profile and whether or not they think they could connect with you is second priority. In other words, I can guess guess men would be pickier than they would be if they were casually meeting you face to face. Then again, I could be totally wrong here.

    I also agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Men seem to find Kim Kardashian attractive, whereas as a woman, I find her look so plain and boring and other celebs gorgeous but men don’t pay much attention to. Some men think I am gorgeous, but some men think I am ok, and I’m sure there are people who think I am hideous. I think most people will be found attractive by at least some people.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Men seem to find Kim Kardashian attractive, whereas as a woman, I find her look so plain and boring and other celebs gorgeous but men don’t pay much attention to.
      I find her quite unattractive myself and wonder why the media heaps so much attention on her, as do most of the men I know. Ditto for nearly all of the other people “famous for being famous”. There are dozens of women I know, not to mention celebrities, that are much better looking–and much more interesting as people to boot.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Because the modern popular “media” is controlled by women and gay men. Most straight men, I would guess (hope),are not giving much thought to Kardashians.

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      • Horace Says:

        I, completely unapologetically, find Kim Kardashian to be crazy hot. Since I’m half black though, it might be a genetic imperative that I find that waist-to-hip ratio hot (WHR, which I like to pronounce “whore”).

        Don’t hate me for it :D

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    • LostSailor Says:

      For one, they have the idea that they have options and they are going to go for the most attractive ones they see first.

      That’s because they probably do have options. Attraction for men first and foremost is visual. Online, you have to be a little pickier because pictures are all they have to go on, and they can lie. Profiles are important, but men look at your pics first and then decide on whether to read the profile. Harsh, perhaps, but true.

      As for Ms. Kardashian, I honestly don’t get why people find her attractive–I don’t. All I see is a woman whose only talent is being famous.

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      • Selena Says:

        I don’t keep up with the Kardashians. Haven’t escaped the media blitz about them over the years though and I’ve been long curious: WHY are they famous in the first place? How did that happen?

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          This is not a thread about the Khardashians. If you have nothing to addand I don’t know why you woulld since you don’t do online dating, sit this thread out.

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  5. John Says:

    “This means that, as far as online dating goes, I have to be more proactive. I would get a number of men who look at my profile two, three, five times. They’re trying to determine what I’d look like in person and whether they were attracted enough to meet me”

    From a guys point of view, I can tell you that assessment isn’t necessarily true. I am currently dating a couple of women. Not sure how it will play out. So I do still check out other profiles even though I dont write because I am still dating a couple of others. But I like to keep my pipeline ready to go at a moments notice if the currently ladies dont pan out.. And if I see someone I like, then I might keep checking their profile just to see if they are still active. So even though I may not have contacted them, they certainly could be next in line and are just making sure they are still active.

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  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I would get a number of men who look at my profile two, three, five times. They’re trying to determine what I’d look like in person and whether they were attracted enough to meet me.”

    There could be any number of reasons. Personally, I hide my profile when I’m randomly viewing women then I go back and “unhide” it for the women I’m interested in, so that they can see I viewed them. It’s extremely deliberate for me. I may go back and view them again on some other occasion to ‘try again” or it could be a mistake. For me, I’m not doing much evaluating at that point. If I’m viewing them openly, I’m interested. I’m just trying to communicate my interest and get their attention, to try to get them to respond in some way. As I’ve said before, I’m not sending them an email unless I got some response. Even just a look back.

    I’m aware that some women probably get annoyed by this and ask themselves (or, even me) why I keep looking at them and not emailing. I can live with that. Those women are not for me. Some women look at my profile and I’m interested and I write them something to the effect of “hello.” Sometimes, those women don’t respond. I can live with that too. Some women go so far as to add me to their favorites or “wink” at me, or even send me a well-thought-out email. And, if I’m interested, I’ll write something to the effect of ‘hello” or respond to their emails. And, sometimes, even THOSE women don’t respond again. I can live with that. These are a bunch of strangers – they haven’t earned my effort or energy.

    Most of this is simply out of your control. You can’t control who is going to be interested in you. The thing about being “proactive” with online is that you’re really not. The thinking is that, well, I’m not so beautiful, or tall or rich, so I have to do SOMETHING more than other people to get people to date me. So, you do things to get more attention, or write more emails, or be more clever, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to better results. It’s like sending a million resumes out for a job you’re not qualified for. Or, like taking vitamin C for a cold. You feel like you’re doing something to feel better but, really, it’s a placebo. It’s “proactive” but not productive. There’s not really anything you can “do.”

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  7. LostSailor Says:

    I can’t answer this question. Perhaps because I’m attractive enough…

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  8. Saj Says:

    Ugh now there are looks, favorites and winks before people message each other? I used to like online dating because you could skip the coy dance and now it seems to have invaded the online community as more barriers and walls to get in the way of connections….bummer

    Too many guys who are messaged first will cock block themselves by getting too excited, dismissive, perverted and boorish. They have “Dan” syndrome where they think something is wrong with her or her self esteem must be broken to reach out to them.

    This isn’t related to shooting out of your league so much as I’ve seen guys of all points scale pull this crap.

    Sure some guys will not look a gift horse in the mouth but the odds aren’t great. Best to just hang back and work with who reached out to you first.

    I have a couple of girlfriends who are wasting their time by doing all the effort and trying to appear (fun) and (laid back) to snag a guy but he’s just in it for the chance of sex and nothing more. I’m sure these guys like these girls personalities just fine but they are missing an x factor where no amount of accommodating will change things. You can be the most difficult pain in the ass in the world and if your his type he’ll overlook it.

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  9. Trouble Says:

    I did message people, but I was looking for something specific…I live in the deep South, and I wanted an educated guy who read books for pleasure and who was well-traveled. I was not seeking the standard “I like fishing, hunting, NASCAR and SEC football” guy that you find down here. I was not willing to wait and hope that serendipity would occur and a guy like that would see my profile out of all the other profiles, and message me. So, I took the initiative and contacted the people I was interested in meeting. Most of the messages I received, I ignored, because they weren’t people who were of interest to me (fell into the above standard southern guy category). I also looked specifically for people who were new to the area and were looking online to meet people, because I knew my odds were better with those folks.

    I don’t regret this approach, it worked for me.

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  10. vox Says:

    You aren’t a 6-7. you are a solid 3-4. Slightly less than average. You are an overweight, 45 year old chick who believes she is higher – you aren’t. sorry. I am not 100% wild about my prospects either, so I get it.Time to get with reality, fat chick who is also over the hill! (I am over the hill too though… :/)

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    • meh Says:

      wow. you are totally wrong.

      full disclosure: i stumbled upon this blog in january & i was shocked when i clicked on the “about” section & recognized the photo from when i was on okcupid. i still think she’s at least an 8 & if i hadn’t of determined that we were incompatible i would have contacted her. so your opinion is just yours.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Oooh. And how were we incompatible?

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        • meh Says:

          it was last year so i don’t remember exactly but after i looked at your pictures, i checked your questions and based on the “questions that are important to me” there was just too much red. that’s usually why i hide a profile. soon after i changed my strategy & started looking at questions first, then pictures before i hide profiles. the essays are always the last thing i read so i never even read yours.

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  11. VJ Says:

    “The time has come,” the Walrus said,
    “To talk of many things:
    Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
    Of cabbages–and kings–
    And why the sea is boiling hot–
    And whether pigs have wings.” Lewis Carroll.

    Yes, the time has come to talk of many things. Too many of us are in fact Walruses. Large, cranky, overly belligerent, indolent creatures not often moved and indifferent to much except mating and fighting. We’re ‘pretty’ to other Walruses. Perhaps to some Sea lions too. But one of the hazards of getting older is that physical attractiveness is often fleeting, and for many, the mid 40’s is the absolute apogee of their ‘pull’ on the opposite sex, baring other possibly more attractive personality traits. Alas for may of our fellow brethren this has to compete with the added paunches and pounds, insular ‘know nothing’ attitudes, unlearned lessons and graces, paired with fallible memories and failing bodies and plenty of psychological baggage and damage from past ‘encounters’. Those large aging angry tuskers can be quite vicious and dangerous too.

    So let me again speak up for our large endangered mammals of the Southern kind. Let’s talk UGLY. As in Ugly as ‘homemade sin’, as in so ugly, no one dares make a ‘mamma’ joke to you lest momma beat them to death with large flapping ‘bat-winged’ arms. Living down south (also in the Deep South), I know plenty of these folks. I know plenty of women, who are certainly ‘unpretty’ and likely never thought of themselves as ‘pretty’ in their lives. Know what? Most of them are happily married. To other Walruses to be certain, but seemingly happily & productively so. They knew where their talents were, and focused on them instead. (Yes, cooking, planning, parenting, schooling, laughing, joking, working harder, being more diligent, being more affectionate, being more passionate, more artistic, more studious, something, anything, to make them stand out a bit more.)

    So I’m calling BS on much of argument. I’ve met some very physically limited and challenged people in my life. Most of the women around here, if they’re of a mind to, can and do get married, eventually. They figure it out, and come to some tacit understanding of ‘what the market will bear’. They make their choices, they live with them, and mostly they do fine. Their kids are indeed more likely to be much prettier than they are too. So all you younins’ out there heed this warning; that huge surly momma waddling down the aisle of your local supermarket might be protecting a fine looking younger generation. Sure, they’ll have to be careful about their weight (to cite an obvious example) for most of their lives, but for many, it’s just not in their newly mixed genes to grow to exactly the same size as momma or daddy. (And again, citing an obvious course, & much of this is in place by their teens too, and should be fairly observable.)

    So my ending point is to make the case that I rarely see many truly ‘attractive’ (normal) people after the age of 49 say. You’ll find some exceptional 50 year olds, but if you’ve not made a serious play on what nature & your parents gave you by 35 or so? You’ve indeed ‘wasted the pretty’ on someone or something perhaps unworthy of all the attention, time & effort you wasted on the project. Which again is not uncommon, especially in many of our larger cities on either coast. But those Southern ‘redneck’ gents can indeed be perfectly suitable mates for most of our resident population. Go to the bookstore/magazine rack somewhere and pick up a volume of the very fancy ‘Garden & Gun’ magazine. http://gardenandgun.com/
    Trouble’s tastes may lie elsewhere, but for many, those simple attributes don’t keep anyone from reading, or aspiring for the better things in life, obviously. So again, YMMV with your kind of (richer/smarter) redneck. And of course a prior generation had suggested this too so go figure: ‘If you want to be happy’, Jimmy Soul: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9ZZgDqzAg

    Again, Sorry for the length. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

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  12. K Says:

    Wow, what is up with some of the harsh comments directed toward the blogger?

    This post seems to be about how to effectively strategize your online dating approach for those of us who may not come across so great in pictures. The only reason to attack the OP’s physical appearance is if you have a personal agenda or grudge, I think. Otherwise it’s just unnecessary and makes the commenter look “ugly.”

    Appearance is subjective and everyone has their own tastes. If you’re getting dates online and if some of them are moving to 2nd and 3rd dates, then you are doing fine. You do not have to be a 7, 8, or 9 to date successfully or get married, Lord knows, look around you at the people you know who are married. Are they all smoking hot?

    I don’t look great in pictures either, and am told I come across better offline, but I put my best foot forward with the most attractive yet accurate photos I could find, and just went for it. I’m sure a lot of guys took a pass, but so what? I can’t do anything about it, and I don’t care whether they or anyone else finds me attractive or ugly. To me, all that matters is I went on dates with a series of guys, all of whom were decent, interesting, quality men who I enoyed spending some time with. Most led to 2nd dates and beyond, and now I’ve taken my profile down to see someone exclusively for the time being, who I really like. To me, that’s successful online dating, and I’m not a “10.”

    Again, who cares how attractive the OP is if she’s consistently getting dates? It doesn’t matter. Incidentally, how many of you can say you’ve dropped several sizes through responsible eating and exercise and kept it off, particularly if you’re over 40?

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    • K Says:

      Oh, and my strategy was just to reply to the guys who winked or messaged who seemed interesting based on their photos and profiles and didn’t have any red flags that I could see.. Or I would reach out to a few of the guys who had looked at my profile, or sometimes I’d do searches and look at guys’ profiles and they’d message me after they saw I looked. Again, I do not think you have to be all that attractive to date successfully. There is a lot more to it than objective beauty.

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  13. The Private Man Says:

    It’s not a matter of how one looks, it’s a matter of knowing the attractiveness of the person you can realistically attract with your own looks.

    The problem is that there is far too much unrealistic cheerleading going on in the female side of things. “Oh Cindy, with your looks and your personality, any man would be foolish to pass you up.” Meanwhile, Cindy is fat, dresses poorly, and has a bad attitude towards life and men, in particular.

    Women should not be asking other women about their dateability because, for the most part, women don’t date other women.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Yes, I agree that there is unrealistic cheerleading. However, as I said last week,the critiques that you guys offer are just as transparent and inauthentic. It’s clear you have an agenda as well. You even admitted it here. You say such things because you guys feel compelled to knock a woman down a peg and provide a counterbalance. It’s disingenuous.

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      • The Private Man Says:

        Perfect timing: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2012-07-youre-comic-genius-overconfident.html

        Here is the take-away quote and the title of the study:

        “Polite But Not Honest: How an Absence of Negative Social Feedback Contributes to Overconfidence.”

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      • Horace Says:

        What TPM said was a fact, not an attack. You admit that what he says is true, and then YOU try to counter-balance by pointing out some male flaw. Defensive.

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        • Saj Says:

          Sure but telling your friend she needs to lose a few or date uglier men is not as productive as you think. All in all she will get defensively and feel bad. If you are pretty enough to pull a guy for sex it is confusing on why you can’t pull him for keeps. I try to be subtle and drop hints that if it isn’t going anywhere by now maybe put your energies elsewhere.

          Telling someone flat out all their faults will probably not lead to a ah ha moment and if it’s something unfixable it seems pointless and mean. None of us will ever know our market value ever. We are either happy with what we are getting or not and even that still tells us little. Sure patterns of failure can emerge and that data is useful but even here people will do things out of stubborn habit despite it not working time and time again.

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            If you are pretty enough to pull a guy for sex it is confusing on why you can’t pull him for keeps.
            Seriously? First of all, guys’ standards “for now” are a lot lower than their standards for “til death do us part,” i.e. the only woman he’ll be allowed to have sex with for the rest of his natural life. Second, there are many character and personality qualities that we consider when evaluating whether a woman is “relationship material” but that are completely irrelevant for a roll in the hay. This is not rocket surgery.

            Telling someone flat out all their faults will probably not lead to a ah ha moment and if it’s something unfixable it seems pointless and mean.
            Someone needing to lose weight, which is by far the most common problem women have with their looks, is eminently fixable: just burn more calories than you consume. Most other physical problems can be fixed with cosmetic surgery, if they’re serious enough to warrant that (though most aren’t). Personality problems can be fixed if the person can be convinced they have a problem in the first place. The only truly unfixable problem is age (fertility). Everything else is just a matter of the person not being willing to fix the problem.

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            • Horace Says:

              You forgot dumbness. Hey sorry, just saying, I’ve dated my share of pretty, dumb girls. That shit has no fix. Zero cure for dumbness.

              Telling a person they could stand to lose weight is doing them a solid, because you’re right, it’s something that is fixable, and they probably need to hear it. Dumbness is not fixable, and thus a guy is just being a jerk if he points that out.

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              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                True, you can’t fix dumb. However, in my experience most “dumb” people are just ignorant, which can be fixed if the person wants to. I find it much more difficult to tolerate willfully ignorant people than people who truly are dumb–though I wouldn’t want to have kids with either, so from a “relationship material” perspective there is no difference.

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  14. Horace Says:

    Holy shit, can men please stop speaking in pseudo-scientific pickup lingo? “Losing value” and “approach anxiety.” Ugh.

    I feel where you’re coming from, Mox. I’m an average looking man, I’d suppose. I’d say I’m more handsome than many, and more charming than most, but being 5’6″ makes me lose more points on “first inspection” than any handsomeness might gain me. On online dating sites like Match or OKC, women tend to search in ideal ranges when it comes to men’s attributes. Like you, I don’t usually get a potential mate’s attraction for free. I need to work for it either in person or in messages. I can actually see in their eyes or in their replies the exact moment in which they “discover me” and I jump up a rung or two on the 10 Scale.

    But I’m inclined to half disagree. Your last paragraph is solid advice, but as it’s from the perspective of a woman, as seen through her filter and informed by her experience, it might be (and I’d suggest is) good only for women.

    Women — more often than not — expect us, or at least hope for us, to start the conversation. Women expect to be cold called. I have had dramatically more success on OKC cold calling than I’ve ever had trying to message someone who has actually visited my profile. Perhaps, at that point, my first impression was already burnt.

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  15. Karen Says:

    so if you are Ugly.. should you throw in the towel.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Or try to maximize what your momma gave you. There are many things that anyone can do to improve themselves, such as being at an optimal weight, eating and sleeping right, exercising, dressing well, etc. If it’s still not working after doing all that, then either one is hopelessly unattractive, which probably isn’t the case, or there’s something else you need to work on.

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  16. Megs Says:

    I am so happy that this question was asked. I don’t consider myself to be absolutely stunning, but I do consider myself to be beautiful, and at least attractive. I am confident and I get compliments- daily (in “real life”), but I rarely get approached online. I recently updated all of my pictures in my online dating profile, and I am hoping that they will better depict my appearance. This feels so superficial, but I’m not sure that my prior pictures did me “justice,” and I guess that’s what a profile is all about- my first impression. Maybe I am wrong though… online dating and getting very limited response takes a toll on your self-esteem, so I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I need to lower my standards? I just qualified for the match.com 6 month guarantee, so I’m really hoping to take advantage of the next several months so that I too can become a success story! Fingers crossed that I am attractive “enough” to date online…

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Good for you. Confidence in your own attractiveness makes you more attractive.

      Kinda funny how that works.. but it really does.

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  17. joe-f Says:

    Why do ladies like to bring each other down? I don’t think Moxie ever said she is the most beautiful and smartest dater in the world. She just gave honest advice and gave us a place to share our thoughts. If you think you can get better advice from a 23 year old super model then go ask one. I am not sure how useful the model’s advice would be for you.

    I think Moxie is a 7 to 8. I like curves and I am a meaningful percentage of men feel the same way.
    Stop trying to bring her down to make you feel good. It is sad.

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  18. Violet Says:

    The problem with online dating is that it tends to push people towards being more shallow–even if they aren’t particularly shallow to begin with. It FEELS too much like a grocery store, where you can have anything you want, but we all know that isn’t true. Naturally you’re going to gravitate towards the shiniest fruit because they are all lined up in comparison to each other, when you don’t do that “in real life.” If you were approached by a guy/gal who is a 7 in the line at Starbucks, who smiled at you, and had some banter with you that could be a real prospect. Also you have a good sense of what they look like/ their social skills. But, pretending that never happened, would you respond to an email from a dating site from that 7? Would you notice them out of the lineup of hundreds of other people? Maybe not.

    This is why I think 1. online dating should never be your sole means of meeting people for dates. I have been working on approaching and being more approachable in the real world and am finding this a lot more fruitful/fun, and also something that has positive effects on the rest of your life. and 2 for when you are online, have some idea of a minimum level of hotness that is ok –set it slightly lower than it is right now–and focus more on whether or not the person’s profile actually indicates that they have the values you are looking for.

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    • Megs Says:

      I really like what you said here and that’s something that I personally need to focus on… working on approaching and being more approachable in the real world. You have a positive attitude of making it fun. I am going to work on this too! Any pointers? What’s been working for you? What have you been doing differently? Thanks, and good luck! :)

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      • Violet Says:

        I think you can first start with an honest assessment of yourself. While my friends would say unhelpful things like “you’re perfect the way you are!” (about dating) they would also say (unrelated to dating) things like “you never smile!” My personality used to tend towards shy, stoic, and guarded. To men, these characteristics probably came off as aloof and lacking in interpersonal warmth, even though anyone who knows me knows I’m not really like that. I’ve had to unlearn these behaviors.
        This is what I’ve been doing on the approachability thing.
        1. Look my best as often as possible. Look good, feel good, etc etc.
        2. See if you have persistent negative beliefs about dating and get rid of them if you do. (I like cognitive behavioral exercises for this.)
        3. same thing for any tendencies towards misandry or stereotyping about men. men don’t like misandrists (of course) and can pick up on bitterness about men/ life/ dating. (2 &3 help with how you come off in initial interactions– being a generally more positive person increases approachability).
        4. Go out and do exercises with the intent of being more social and increasing overall approachability but *not with the intent of meeting potential dates*. This takes the pressure off and makes this a general life skill. Some things I did: smile at everyone who makes eye contact with me. Chit-chat with everyone and their horse, of either gender. This ultimately makes it easier to flirt in the long run. Cultivating a general sense of warmth towards all sorts of people–both genders, datable or not–increases how friendly and warm you come off, particularly if you have become less negative and stopped stereotyping as much. I’ve noticed that people often give me hooks to start conversations that a year ago I probably would have missed. Like today a guy stopped the elevator doors from closing for me and made a joke about it. A year ago I probably would have chuckled and said nothing. But instead I made a joke back and we bantered a bit. I’ve also noticed, doing this stuff, that people will also spontaneously start conversations with me without my doing anything.
        5. If you have female friends who get approached a lot, study what they are like. Being approached is not 100% about being hot– models often complain that no one asks them out. Girl next door types who are interpersonally warm probably get asked out a lot, even if they are less hot.
        6. Increase your social circle. Really be actively pursuing this. This helps with the ability to schmooz and get to know people well, and with asking people to hang out without feeling a lot of stress about it.

        Just some thoughts. Hope they are useful.

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        • The Private Man Says:

          Here is one final tip:

          Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

          It can be something small.

          It can be something big.

          It has to be something.

          This doesn’t mean you have to date the guy, just fine one thing good about him. Do this consistently and there will suddenly be a whole lot more guys who are visible to you.

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    • Mark Says:

      Seems like a healthy perspective. Not to mention an honest one.

      If you can’t characterize yourself as uber hot or otherwise have a characteristic or two that makes others just want to stop, look and contact you, then it makes sense that you have to try just a little harder, be a little more creative or otherwise expand your potential list of candidates. Otherwise, someone might be looking for a very long time.

      I suppose it’s a fine line between contacting anyone under the sun vs. being a red flag Nazi about the smallest detail. Where that line is is anybody’s guess. But as a reality check if you find something is working for you then make the most of it. If you find that it isn’t, then don’t focus on what doesn’t work.

      Still, some insightful points raised by Moxie. Because no matter how you look at it, there is an objective truth behind a lot of her thoughts on this issue.

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  19. mouzee99 Says:

    Wow, I’m 31. I have a decent job and I have my life together but it just hasn’t happened for me yet even though I have an active dating life although I’ve recently taken a little break. All of the comments have me uber depressed now. I feel like there is this big countdown to 35 and if I haven’t gotten married or had kids by then my time will be up. That seems to be the consensus on here. Surely with women focusing on their careers first these days there must be some positive stories of women starting families and successful relationships in their 30s.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Of course there are success stories. Don’t let some people’s negativity get you down. As long as your clear on what you want and focus on that, it’ll come. But it is true that as you get older, the men in your age group will have increasing options and you’ll have to calibrate your expectations accordingly.

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    • Violet Says:

      I know plenty of people (of both sexes) from grad school that got married in their 30s. (I imagine some will be having kids soon, of those who want to). think of it this way– now that you’ve got your career thing figured out, you have more time for personal development.

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  20. VJ Says:

    Well all is not lost certainly mouzee. But the serious point is that women today are typically delaying marriage until ‘everyone has their life together’, which BTW? Just did not happen much in the parental generation. Sure, women were much less likely to get degrees of any sort, and certainly graduate degrees. There’s close to a decade of time right there. Then there is indeed this ‘sprint to the finish’ whereby women try and out run their declining fertility (Objectively declining from just before 30) and their relative attractiveness to the opposite sex (or whomever) which is sadly Subjectively declining from about the same time period too. So realistically, logically and logistically something’s got to give, and much of this thought and yes, planning needs to be done ideally in your 20’s. But about 30 is not a bad time to start to listen to some of the ‘old time’ advice of the parental units on the issue perhaps.

    Many women are just focused elsewhere for much of the time, and then the ‘bell rings’ and they’re caught out with little thought as to what to do about a ‘family’. The guys are there too, but there’s less expectation on them. If they could get pregnant, the world would look a bit different too. But mostly they’ve got lower (and more easily met) expectations in a mate and for a LTR. That’s the purpose of the poem up there. If everyone waited until everything was just perfect? We’d go to near zero population growth in no time. But much of the population (save for the teens & unmarried) are there now. Hence the real conundrum here described. But hey, for many pigs will fly before they accept the reality before them. SSDD, rinse & repeat as they said back in the day. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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  21. HB Says:

    Scientific American had an article that found we (people) think we are more attractive than we actually are. There was a study where eleven photos that were submitted to each test subject. The photos were photoshopped to make the subject less attractive, more attractive and one was left unaltered. They were asked to identify their undoctored photo. The majority of test subjects choose a more attractive morphed face as being their actual face more often then actual face.

    We have all gone on dates or known people that thought they were so much better than they are. Guys who date out of their league who are treated like crap time and time again. Semi attractive girls who let attractive douchey guys treat them like crap because…he’s hot (I actually had a girlfrind who defended her a-hole boyfriend because he was the hottest guy she had ever dated). To me people always think they are better. Women size each other up and look for ways to tear each other down. Insecure men will constantly look for the hottest woman, to fill their ego.

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  22. Karen Says:

    instead of jumping through all the hoops I read about on here.. I’m throwing the towel in. DONE.

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  23. mouzee99 Says:

    Thanks for all of the positivity. I’m not giving up yet, I personally still think 30 is young and there are so many more challenges these days. I have so many friends that have been laid off or unemployed for months. With people losing their homes and everything else who has time to focus on dating. This is a challenging time period. I was talking about dating with my mom and she says it was much easier in her generation.I personally don’t like online dating but i agree to some extent that you get what you put into it. After working 8+ hours sometimes the last thing I want to do is long on a dating site and wade through all of the messages and BS. I get quite a few messages but weed men out that talk about anything sexual within the first two messages, that are two aggressive, post pictures of themselves shirtless in the mirror (so douchey) etc. I have been on a few decent dates and quite a few bad ones. I find online dating time consuming or maybe I’m just lazy. How do you guys feel, is it worth the effort you have put in so far?

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    • Trouble Says:

      I’m probably in your mom’s generation, and I dsagree about how much easier it is to meet people. It’s easy to meet people when you’re in college because you have a clustering of thousands of young, single, marriageable people all in a small location. Once I graduated from college (in 1988) and was working full-time, I actually found it rather difficult to meet people. My friends from college were spread far and wide, I socialized with work friends and a few college friends, but mostly, I didn’t date that much. I ended up marrying a guy I met at church.

      When I divorced in 2005, there were many more options available for dating…online, meetup, trivia nights at local bars, etc.

      I met my husband online. I don’t know if it is worth it for you. I had a lot of crappy dates and some really nice ones. I met some real assholes and some really good guys. In fact, of my close friends, 4 of 6 met their husbands online in some way or another (two on online dating sites, one on a forum, one on an online dating site for BBLs).

      I think it depends on what you’re hoping to accomplish, how you go about the process, your list of what you’re looking for in a guy (is it realistic?), and where you live.

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  24. D'Alias Says:

    My approach to online Darin is that I talk to everyone (within reason) who talks to me, whether I think they’re hot or not. Within the first few exchanges, I or he may decide we aren’t a match and move on. I find by doing this, I’ve met some great guys that either weren’t ready I settle down, liked me but wanted something a little hotter/thinner, two that I dated for a substantial amount of time, and one friend. If I just focused on the hotness factor, or screened their profile first, I think I would’ve missed out. Also, I rarely message guys b/c I don’t want to put myself through the rejection, but every once in awhile I take the plunge with mixed results. Dating is supposed to be kind of fun, after all.

    Btw, I really didnt appreciate all the Moxie bashing earlier. If you don’t like her looks, you can turn your head elsewhere. IMO, some of her advice seems a little bitter and jaded, but some of it is really insightful and helpful. She’s just a woman, no different than the rest of us, sharing her opinions and observations. This is a BLOG, not a science experiment where she’s required to justify her hypo with empirical evidence. All advice should be taken with a grain of salt. If you can’t decipher what resonates you, I think you should go to a therapist.

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  25. D'Alias Says:

    Dating not Darin – iPhone auto correct fail.

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  26. j. smart Says:

    Moxie, you probably won’t see this comment but I just want to say that I think you give the best advice for men and women for dating. People’s views are too ideal and romantisized. I like you direct and honest approach.

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  27. Gorb Says:

    Moxie,

    one experiment you might want to try is to put up an actual picture of yourself and ignore the women’s reactions, but check out what the men say. The problem is, without knowing where the men are coming from – ie, does a guy live in his basement with his mother’s dog and hasn’t had a GF in ten years, is he 22, is he 57 – it’s imposssible to know how to value their opinions. Anyway, you should know.

    One thing, though – I’m not sure where you live, but if it’s anywhere near NYC then you’re in dating hell for women (if you want more than casual boyfriends).

    The best advice I’ve ever heard given to a woman who wasn’t a “7” on a bad day was this: Move to a place with more men in stable jobs than there are women. In other words, not a major population center. Like Ohio, or even places like Maryland or Rhode Island (I’ve heard good things about it – though this is from my family, so who knows). Even Boston is a hard slog, given the crazy influx of hot young things every September.

    A woman who might only be a 6 or 5.5 on a good day has excellent chances in a place like Pittsburgh or most second-tier major cities.

    Almost no-one is “gorgeous”, but I’ve seen far, far more men with hotter women than the other way around. In second-tier places, it often reverses itself. Shortage of non-crazy women, and all.

    A Canadian I knew made an even weirder suggestion. He told a friend of his when we were having dinner (She was a little on the plus side, though not bad, and was having a hard time in the capital of Ontario province where I was visiting). he told her to go to a northern territory. He said the men all had jobs where they made crazy money and there were virtually no women.

    That was two years ago. She moved to some God-forsaken place near the Arctic, met and dated several men, was hugely popular there, married a guy who earns more than they can reasonably spend, got married and she’s pregnant, with a doting husband. And they moved away from Scaryfarawayville to sme other city, where they’re both working in comfortable jobs.

    I’m not saying go to Alaska – just that things for women get better when there are, ahem, less women.

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  28. SingleLady Says:

    Well, good luck with online dating if you are black, overweight and over 50 lol. Let’s just say I won’t waste my time getting rejected which you know is going to happen…even at the appropriate “senior dating” websites. Maybe someday I’ll luck out in real time but in the meantime…I’ll just keep my memories of when I was younger (and thinner), read these blogs and laugh and say thank GOD I am not in the dating scene. Who needs the aggravation?

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    • Galady Says:

      Well, i have 2 out of 3 conditions you mention :) and i was absolutely shocked at how well online dating works. Just this morning i was thinking that that saying about women over 45 being more likely to get struck by lightning than married was probably changed radically by online dating expanding our options. There are SO many imperfect men out there that imperfect women are still in the running!!

      I really have no idea how much “rejection” i got (or gave), since i dont think of it as rejection and didnt pay attention to what didnt feel right, just enjoyed the attention i did get/give from/to what felt “right enough”… and i learned along the way and adjusted what i wanted… (I took the no-more-narcissists pledge! problem is that I discovered i was addicted to them as they are so charming and exciting… but alas, their hidden agenda is all about themselves:)

      But you might have other bottom-line criteria… but the secret is not to have too many inflexibles… you want to be happy, and the guy who can do that might not be tall… or have a graduate degree… or be thin… or whatever… he just needs to meet your true bottom line.

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  29. Steve Says:

    Online dating doesn’t work for me, and it’s all because women can’t get past my looks. It wouldn’t matter how confidently I came across in my profile. Although I suppose that if I took a picture of myself next to a BMW or a Rolls Royce, and looked like I had money, that would change things, but then I’d be loved only for my money (if I had any). Online dating is a lot like real estate. In real estate the catch phrase is, location, location, location, but in online dating it’s all about looks, looks, looks. And if you haven’t got any looks, better be prepared to compensate with cash. A lot of it.

    The woman who is complaining about not being able to get any dates probably has stratospheric standards that won’t let anyone just shy of perfect in. Ugly or average women have vastly more options and success in any dating arena than ugly men do.

    At this rate, ending it all is looking better by the day.

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    • Galady Says:

      I would wonder if what you say is also true of yourself? Did you only contact the women who had extremely good looks, or were you more in your own ballpark? … and besides looks, are you positive, kind, and able to focus some attention on her (not just “enough about me, lets talk about you… what do YOU think about ME?”)

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  30. James Says:

    UGH on OKC the only women who contacted me were, to say the least, hard to look at.

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