Well, I’ll disagree with you there. I happen to think I’m quite beautiful. As I’ve said before, I was blessed with great genes and features. I happen to think my facial features are quite stunning.
I think what you meant to say was that you don’t believe men find me beautiful. I would have to agree that many men do not find me subjectively beautiful. I’ve spoken before of the fact that I’m someone who becomes more attractive when you meet them. As far as a one dimensional profile goes, I’m about a 5 or a 6. In person I can shoot up to a 7. Maybe a 7.5.
This means that, as far as online dating goes, I have to be more proactive. I would get a number of men who look at my profile two, three, five times. They’re trying to determine what I’d look like in person and whether they were attracted enough to meet me. When I switched out my photos awhile back I had three different guys who, in the past had viewed my ad multiple times, contact me. Ahh. NOW I was attractive enough. NOW I was worthy of those precious 60 minutes of cocktail time. (No, I didn’t meet them.)
That, my friends, is what online dating has become. Take a look at your visitors list. See all those people, most of which you find greatly unattractive? Those are the more proactive users of that site. See, they are proactive because they have to be. They have to message people, because they’re probably not getting many if any messages. They do not fall into the 7,8, 9 category. Not on paper, at least. In person, they might. Unfortunately, most people aren’t willing to spend an hour or so to meet someone who might be a 7, 8 or 9. So the trick is finding people to whom you are a 7,8 or 9. Unless you like singing for your supper. In which case, have at it. The reason you don’t see more attractive people looking at your profile is because those attractive people aren’t looking at your profile. They’re probably not looking anybody’s profile. They’re just waiting for you to contact them. Personally, those aren’t the people I like to meet. I only prefer to meet the people who take initiative. It leaves me with fewer options, of course. But I’d rather fewer, more quality options than chasing around people who have no intention of being caught.
That other segment of people? The ones you message that don’t respond? Yeah, they’re not as proactive. They don’t have to be. They’re either being inundated with messages or they have no intention of meeting anyone anyway and just want to see who contacts them. They’re the 1%. The rest of us? We’re the 99%. When you can accept that, you’ll have much more success. That I can promise you.
Generally, my view of women who message first is that they are of lower value than the ones you have to work for. Completely illogical, but that’s the impression I get. Especially if she’s older, overweight and not so attractive. I generally don’t reply to those, but I can see how some guys with approach anxiety would get an ego boost from these broads. – Dan
I don’t happen to agree with Dan. But, sadly, this is how many people on these sites think. Of course, it speaks volumes about their own ego, self-loathing and self-esteem, but we’ll pretend that isn’t a factor for a moment.
And the truth is that most people are average looking if not hideous trolls, and don’t have so many options as they believe – even guys who dissect body parts and provide criticism on blogs. Most guys are happy to get sex once in a while. So, you’re the exception? Who cares.- DMN
DMN suggested it once, and I scoffed at first, but I’ve come around to his Svengali-like ways. I’ve stopped cold calling on these sites. It began to feel like wasted energy. I only contact people who viewed my profile, favorited me or rated me highly. Of course, I also only messaged with men who contact me first. I was pleasantly surprised when I showed up for a date a a little while ago and the guy looked completely different than his photos. In a good way. In fact, he looked quite a bit like an actor I’ve swooned over for some time. Bonus. Had he not contacted me, I probably wouldn’t have met him. But, see, I’m a 5/6 on those sites. I have to be more flexible. (But talk about a pay off. )
I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the initiative. You should contact people. I’d just suggest having little to no expectations in those cases, as the likelihood of them replying and being serious about meeting people and not just attention whoring is slim.