Question: My divorce was finalized 12 months ago and now I am online dating for a couple of months. I am not looking for a casual hookup but something with LTR potential. Here is a scenario that happened with a woman I met.
She is 45, divorced and has 2 preteen kids. She lives about 30 minutes from me. She drives and has her own car. She doesn’t work since she is home all day and doing errands, taking kids places, etc. I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids but she is clearly not working and I get the impression she hasn’t in some time. She never mentioned anything about being laid off and she didnt mention anything about money being tight. So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about. But after 1 date, I didnt think it was appropriate to ask her about this.
Our first date we met for a drink and it ended with a good makeout session. It was a 4 hour date. On date #2 I went to her place to pick her up and we went to lunch. I had to be at work by 4pm hence, the lunch date.Her kids were at day camp. After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.
She said we would do it the next next night which was a Friday night (and presumably I would be condom ready). But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home. WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her. I dont even know her that well to the point that I dont even know what she does for a living so having sex seems like it is too soon for me.
It seems to me like she is looking for something casual. Since I am not, the ridiculous driving I had to do and not even knowing something as basic as to how she makes a living, made it seem too casual for what I am looking for.
I could have kept my mouth shut, do the roundtrip commute twice and had sex, but I felt like I was going through hoops. My best friend said I was nuts to pass up surefire sex on account of not wanting to jump through those hoops. So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?
I didn’t directly ask her how she supports herself, house and 2 kids
So maybe she has income from other sources but it is something I am curious about.
You know how she supports herself. Alimony. And? How is this in any way atypical for a divorced woman in your age range with children? What if she inherited money? Maybe she’s in the Mob. As long as she doesn’t try to leech off of you, I don’t see why this matters. You’re analyzing the innocuous things that ultimately don’t matter unless you plan on marrying her and merging your finances.In short, you’re looking for a way out.
After lunch we went back to her place and she was all over me and wanted sex. I didnt have a condom so I didnt, but the fact I had to get back to work provided the perfect way out. It just seemed too soon to jump into bed anyways.
Okay. But if that’s what you truly feel, then why did you go back to her house? We say this to women all the time. “Don’t go home with a guy unless you plan on having sex with him.” Same rules apply, my brother. I don’t think you chose not to have sex because it seemed “too soon” or because you didn’t have a condom. Please. When has not having a condom stopped anybody? Especially someone our age? Yes, I know…safety shamer!!! Whatever. People do it all the time. They just typically lie about it so they can cling to the moral high ground. Congrats. You’re so special. You’re getting right into heaven, disease free. Boo yah!
You didn’t have sex with her because you were intimidated in some way and feared you couldn’t deliver. This wasn’t about catching The AIDS or fearing that you’ll be overpowered and chopped up and put into a box under her bed. Her assertiveness as well as her casual attitude towards the sex is what threw you. Citing a lack of a condom and the “too soon” excuse just makes you sound discerning and reasonable. Again, you’re looking for a way out.
But then she said that she wanted me to drive to her and pick her up, drive back to my place, have dinner and sex and then drive her back to her place and then for me to come home.WHen I asked if it would be possible for her to just drive to me, she said the guy should always pick up the girl. I lost all interest in seeing her.
Right. She, like you, is justifying the sex. She needs you to “treat her like a lady” so she can screw with wild abandon. I honestly want to bop the two of you upside the head. You could debate her on this and say it’s silly and needless. It won’t get you anywhere. She’s in her forties and divorced. She’s still living in a time when men called women. She likely hasn’t dated in close to 15 years. Our mystical ways confuse her.
You didn’t lose interest because of her request. It’s a 30 minute drive. Come on. You lost interest because you psyched yourself out.
This just in…many women make unreasonable and illogical requests. Welcome to Dating. Thinking you’ll find that one “sane” woman who doesn’t make such requests is setting yourself up for failure. Either accept that you’ll have to do a little bit of harmless hoop jumping or buy those cats now. Women nowadays are far more assertive than they were when you were first dating. You, like Caveman Lady up there, have been defrosted after hundreds of years of being frozen in a chunk of ice. Remember Austin Powers? Yeah. Like that. The two of you are trying to get your bearings. She wants to be all sexually empowered, but she’s still clinging to antiquated rules so she can justify having sex. (Which must have made her a joy to be married to, btw.) You’re still thinking that femininity means being coy and reserved. Uh uh. Not any more. It’s odd, though, that you’re thrown by her sexual assertiveness, but you’re turned off by her old fashioned request that you pick her up.
So I am asking you to break this down for me. Maybe I am just not ready to be intimate with someone? Or is this a case of me just being picky?
No, you’re not being picky. That’s one of those famous excuses that women use to explain why no guy sticks around. Yes…they dumped him. Not the other way around, okay???? I could get on bored with your thought that you’re not ready to be intimate, though. You’re still figuring out how Dating 2.0 works. I think you need to get a better handle on that, and a better understanding of what constitutes “typical” or “acceptable” behavior before you embark on anything serious or physically intimate.
Bottom line? You’re just ready to get back out there yet. Baby steps.