Just The Tip..I Promise

Condomless sex on the second date is for desperate women with no self respect. – Vox

If you really think that not having sex with someone I barely know because I didnt bring a condom is a “stupid” reason, then nothing else I can say will make a difference. – John


Ahhh. Safe sex. We are all fastidious about using condoms, right?


Now, this is in no way a post about how everybody should go bareback and there are no such things as STDs. Of course there are, and it’s  a no brainer that safe sex is the best way to go and is what helps prevent the spread of diseases. There. There’s your disclaimer, folks.

Now that that’s out of the way, how about everybody climb down off their soap boxes, hmm? Because if you’re going to sit there and say, “Oh, I ALWAYS use condoms! Always!” I’m going to call you a big fat liar.  Many people say that. But only some of them are actually telling the truth. Heaven forbid someone admit to not using a condom. They’ll be chased (hah get it? chaste? chased??) out of town by villagers with angry torches.

Many if not most of us have done it. C’mon..it just feels too damn good not to just..put the tip in, right? Just for a moment?? It’s hotter. So much hotter.  It’s wetter. You have to pull out sooner after because, well, you know. (Hah. Hello, you. You know what I’m talking about, amirite? You still think about it. And I know it. ) It might even be a bit tighter, depending on the situation. Oh yeah, you know that’s true.Sometimes you start off using a condom and it’s just getting in the way. It pinches, he says. It makes him go soft. Or maybe he’s just so curious to know what you feel like without one. Or maybe you want to know what it feels like. Or you don’t like having anything between you. (Okay, that one is a stretch.)

Obviously, condoms are  a must. But sometimes…sometimes you just get carried away. Or you trust the person when they say that they’re tested regularly and disease free. Or it’s someone you know for years and years and never caught anything from them. Or from anyone.

Maybe you’re just not paranoid enough. Hmm. That could be it. You don’t make a practice of it, of course. But sometimes you just throw caution to the wind.

Maybe you insist on a condom because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll be considered slutty. I mean, that’s what you’re girlfriends told you, so it must be true. Only slutty girls do that. You know, the ones who will never ever get a manz. And don’t forget your guy friends who warn you about women who don’t insist upon on a condom. They probably want to get knocked up, amirite brah?. Right. Everybody who wants to go bareback has an agenda, and it’s not pleasure.

For all of you who never, ever, not even the tip, not even for a second allow your genitalia near another person’s nether region without a condom, I salute you. I really do. Good for you. Question though, kiddies…you know, all you ones who are so conscientious and judgey. When you engage in oral sex, do you use a condom or a dental dam? No? Huh. That’s weird. I mean, since genital herpes can be spread via oral herpes.I mean, if you’re all so careful and cautious, I would think you would do that, right? No? Ok. Carry on, then.

A man or woman can go without a condom here and there and still maintain their self-respect. You can debate that all you like and hurl slut shamey accusations like some sort of blogosphere Salem With Trial. Go ahead. Dunk me in water to see if I drown if it makes you feel better.

So…let’s talk bareback sex. Who has done it? Why? Why not? Were you dating the person? What was the situation?

Let the slut shaming commence! Weeeeeee! All board the cock carousel, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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65 Responses to “Just The Tip..I Promise”

  1. Angel Says:

    Ugh, I did it. This year. Actually had never had sex before outside of a monogamous relationship, and even in my last LTR we almost always used condoms.

    So I hooked up with a much younger guy from work… We only had one condom and had sex three or four times that night. I felt horrible about myself afterward… But when I talked to a few friends about it they were basically like, “everyone has unprotected sex.” so there you go. Also, yeah, I never use anything for oral.

  2. A to the F Says:

    The only time I use a condom is when the lady insists on it. And a surprising number of nice girls don’t insist. I am often surprised by the girls who’ll sleep with me the first couple times sans rubber and don’t bring up the subject until the 3rd or 4th time.

    It’s the sexually empowered women and women of loose moral fiber that tend to insist on condoms. And they’re the one’s I’m also most interested in wearing one with as well. After all, it’s the sluts you have to worry about having STDs, not the nice girls.

    • Angel Says:

      Wait, how do you know these girls who have sex with you without condoms are “nice girls” as opposed to “sluts”? What’s a nice girl and what’s a slut, in your opinion? Also, why couldn’t a nice girl have an STD? I’m just curious, not attacking your comment.

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        It’s pretty easy. “Nice girls” decide whether to have sex on the man’s character and personality. A slut decides whether to have sex on how much he turns them on.

        The sluts have much more sex with many more men then the “nice girls,” perhaps 5 to 10 times as many sexual partners per year.

        Easy, no?

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Loose moral fiber? What does that even mean?

      Though I see his point. When someone is insistent on condoms, that’s usually a sign to me that they’re pretty sexually active.

      • A to the F Says:

        Loose moral fiber means they’re easy.

        A number of factors contribute to being able to determine the nice girl/slut label: what they do, how they walk, how they talk, how they’re friends talk about them, but its mostly in the eyes. They’re called windows to the soul for a reason and a minute of looking into a girls eye’s while talking with her, and I can tell you all about her sexuality.

        I’ve only ever been wrong 3, maybe four times, and only one of those was the nice girl actually a slut. You’re far more likely to get a false positive slut read with a girl who’s especially lively, mischievous or naughty eyed’, but who in reality is a nice girl. Those are the most fun.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Wait. You’re not serious are you? Do you believe that??

          • A to the F Says:

            What’s not to believe? It’s empirically true. Most guys my age, intelligence, and experience would agree. Just as most women will say no, that doesn’t apply to them. But it does.

            • Joey Giraud Says:

              Yeah, no one can deny that loose women put out strong signals of sexual playfulness and availability, almost as if they enjoy the power their bodies give them to influence men.

              I don’t call them “sluts” though, cause I have no beef with loose women. It’s the teases that are tiresome.

              Always thought “moral fiber” was some kind of Christian laxative.

            • Jack Says:

              Dude…Don’t even debate this one.Women today have lied to themselves so much that they believe that they can be like men sexually. Whatever – Most men know how to spot sluts. And they are to be avoided.

        • Karen Says:

          haha.. yeah women who likes sex are sluts. It shows in our eyes too.

          • Joey Giraud Says:

            Come on, it’s not whether you like sex or not, it’s how much you abide by traditional social ideals of demure femininity.

            Not that there’s anything right or wrong with that.

        • Jada Says:

          You can tell from their eyes? Oh hell. I thought you could only tell by my giant stretched our vagina that you could drive a truck through. What do the mens say after having sex with me? Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, I think it was. But now my eyes give it all away? I guess that’s why God invented sunglasses – so I can hide what a big slut I am.

          • The D-man Says:

            In my experience there is no correlation between promiscuity and vagina size. Trust me on this one.

    • A to the F Says:

      There appear to be quite a few “sexually empowered women and women of loose moral fiber ” who have taken offense to my post


      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Bringing up the slut word is pretty offensive. Society is fairly OK with women being sexual, but isn’t quite over the old shame issues yet. Even sophisticated NewYork self-regarded enlightened women have a chip on their shoulder about promiscuity.

        So yeah, of course you’re getting blowback.

        • A to the F Says:

          I know :)

          It’s funny to me how predictable women can be, the same women who screech about men saying they are predictable are usually the most…. proving my point, ladies.

    • Alana Moore Says:

      “Typical male logic”!!! That is why men marry the plain Jane Secretary women,
      thinking that she is “a nice girl”, VS. the beautiful, hot, sexy ones, because they
      ALL have to be sluts and cheating, blah, blah, blah! As the divorce stats show,
      NOTHING could be farther from the truth, with USA women having the highest
      percentage in female cheating with last I checked 55%!

      Here is a “translation” of what men regard as a “nice girl”:

      She dresses conservativly, and is mostly buttoned up, picture a Librarian.
      She barely wears any make-up.
      She “looks” innocent.
      She behaves lady-like “in public”

      There you go! Men will erronously judge women by appearance alone, which
      they also do in 30 seconds flat, at the first time they see her. That is also the
      time when they decide if she goes into the gf-wife, or play-thing, category, as
      to my many guy friends confessions and interviews I had with men.

      “The male logic”, is a myth when it comes to males & the opposite sex. Men
      ( the majority, not all! ) have remained clueless when it comes to females…

      The above post about the guy who only uses condoms when insisted upon, is
      living proof of that, when in fact he should be scared of women who have sex
      without even bringing up the subject, cause “action speak louder than words”.
      If the so called “nice girl” does it with you, sans protection, no question asked,
      guess what? She is the slutty one! If she does it with you after barely knowing
      you, then that’s what she does with other guys as well.

      Don’t believe me? Go to AshleyMadison.com and look at all those women who
      are seeking men to cheat on their husbands! I saw a talk-show with one married
      woman who was average and who said she had 150 lovers from that site!!!

      Chew on that guys!

      As usual… guys have it all wrong when it comes to women.

      • Lalalatte Says:

        Has “A to the F” ever thought that those supposed nice girls who don’t insist on condoms are just too meek and awkward to ask their partner to use one and are therefore bare backing with everyone? There are plenty of women who aren’t comfortable enough with their own sexuality to ask for what they want out of fear of the guy refusing or the guy thinking she’s slutty. If I were a man I’d be more concerned about the women who didn’t bring up birth control than the ones who come prepared.

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Depends on how “nice” the “nice girl” is.

          I don’t think he has the librarian from the Music Man in mind here, just a girl who’s fairly picky and won’t have sex without a relationship and/or a strong chance of commitment.

          A proper “nice girl” won’t be afraid to say NO! to a guy. ( according to my dear auntie )

          • Joey Giraud Says:

            These thumb thingies are quite informative, Moxie! I’m really starting to understand the troubles my old buddy, a Manhattan single, is having with the online dating scene there.

  3. Ashley Says:

    I reply mostly on my birth control pills. Haven’t used condoms since going on them and I do not trust them after they have broken 3 different times with me. But have I ever had condomless sex while not being protected by birth control pills? Yes, a few times. And it was stupid, I admit. So many people get pregnant that way. I take my pills religiously and try to avoid sex if I take one late or miss one.

  4. Saj Says:

    Not sure which is grosser. Bare back with a stranger or the terminology used in this post. Honestly I can’t feel the difference. The only difference is probably psychological and that is probably attached to the retard part of our brains that tell us Anything we can do to get knocked up is hotter. We have to tell that part to shut up or we get an oops situation.

    Yah I’ve gone without and relied on the pull out method once exclusive and no pregnancies happened that wasn’t planned but would id advise others to follow suit going off whatever is stupid yet hotter? No. But people who do stupid things based on impulse don’t listen to advice anyway.

    • Saj Says:

      Also had I let myself shut up the stupid part of my brain succeed further I might have a little girl who can walk rather then rely on a wheel chair for the rest of her life. I might have had more time to get saturated with folic acid to prevent the spina bifida rather then wow I’m horny and we want kids anyway so lets roll the dice. So this isn’t exactly about slut shaming but actions that could have big consequence once the deed is done.

  5. Gorb Says:

    By and large, every woman I’ve been with has never insisted. It’s odd, but a few even seemed uninterested in using one or actually didn’t want to. More than a few detested condoms.

    A few times I’ve insisted, but this often registered both surprise and dismay.

    Oral sex: I’ve never used protection.

  6. VJ Says:

    Well again, it might be helpful to get some of the relevant facts here. Hell I know it’s not as fun as going off half cocked and just throwing epithets or whatever around. It’s a huge topic, but we might be able to break down some of the most relevant factors.

    1.) Again, age is one of the primary factors here. Quoting the authoritative source, the Guttmacher Institute:
    “The average age at first sex is around 17, and the average age at first birth close to 25. As a result, the period during which women are at risk for unplanned pregnancy is much longer than it used to be,” says Dr. Finer. “Young women in particular, the group at highest risk of unintended pregnancy, could benefit greatly from these highly effective contraceptive methods, which protect them over a much longer period and which require virtually no user intervention.”


    2.) So if you’re older, and have most likely completed your family (or strongly imagine you have)? It’s pretty irresponsible, but by no means uncommon to go without some means of pregnancy prevention.

    3.) On the disease protection front, older folks (yes the over 45 set), just happen to have some of the fastest growing rates of STIs/STDs, and are at much higher risk than commonly imagined. For all the reasons anyone might imagine if they stopped & thought about it for more than a minute or so.

    4.) There’s some very amusing old Navy/Army WW11 & even WW1 public health posters warning recruits, soldiers & sailors of all the ‘unseen’ dangers of loose women when out on leave or in a new port when on Liberty Call. All of them would tell you that it’s very hard to tell the ‘nice’ (disease free) gals from the ‘slatterns’. This was a great and common concern for all the services as a man afflicted with clap/crabs is a sick man who is unable to do his job effectively and may indeed be spreading disease among his mates. (More commonly here crab lice). So it’s been more or less difficult to tell who is in fact disease free, well since the advent of medicine & the disease. There’s songs & ballads about it from the Middle Ages too.

    5.) There’s plenty of ‘slip ups’ some of them having the usual & typical tragic consequences, and occurring due to any number of complex negotiations and considerations from the couple & the moment. Condoms are not fool proof, and it’s helpful if you’re yes used to their use or there’s likely going to be problems & some issues.

    6.) This said, if it’s ‘after hours’ and you’ve got few/no 24/7 drug stores around? Getting a hold of some condoms may in fact be a problem. Many a guy had to make a dash out to the nearest large gas station/quick trip/Foodmart to try and pick up whatever they had on hand. It may indeed ruin the moment, but carrying the damn things in your wallet is not only a bad idea, it’s largely a thing of the past. If it’s not in a gents or lady’s ‘go/overnight’ bag, it’s already too late & a moot point. Which is the scene all too often. The hurried whispers (you got anything)? And then the hopeful replies which may be lies.

    Nothing much has changed in a few 100 years on the score evidently. Cheers & Play safe, ‘VJ’

  7. EnTAOwed Says:

    let us forever put to rest the “sluts” related words to refer to a girl/woman show has a # of partners. It is an ugly sexist vestige of judgmental hate. And you cannot either tell easily how sexually active someone is from ‘signs”, nor is their a B & W demarcation between “good girls” & harlots. Use the words in empowering irony, jokes amongst friends, for erotic frisson-no more shaming.

    I have not used a condom for the completely overwhelming majority of my discrete sexual encounters. Because the vast majority of them are with regular partners, from a couple months to somewhat longer. I get testes for 4 stds most every 3-6 months, even if I have been with no new or NO partner. Just in case I meet someone I can reassure them of my status, & ask for the same/test results.

    All risk is relative, there are risks that are quite low & worth taking, & many do not KNOW the actual risks involved. From assuming safety or ‘sluttiness’ by appearance, to going with conventional ropes about what is safe. Also some trust need be involved, because someone COULD lie about or sabotage a protection, or cheat after an STD test-but we c an get very reasonable likelihoods from knowing the person.

    As for pregnancy-I clipped the Dan Savage (gay sex advice columnist) where he cited studies that withdrawal is virtually exactly as effective as condoms. This also depends on someone having basic sense of when they are going to ejaculate, whether there is some pre-cum-but it can be a safe way to go with responsible partners.

    There is both the lessened sensation & the reduced sense of direct connection for me, so I go “bare” with relationships. I would argue it is a better birth control than condoms for me, because I rarely have cum after intercourse. I prefer to do so other ways with a lady, so IF you are not coming close to ejaculating during the act, that is a very low risk of pregnancy, I would say lower than the pill, female or male condom, or IUD.

    There is not just one way to play safe. If safety was our only priority, rather than minimizing risks, we would never go anywhere or have sex. Protection for oral sex? Vastly worse. The wetness & smell & direct connection/mutual pleasure are a turn on, licking through a piece of latex is an absurd turn off to me, just clinically stimulating someone with none of the wildness, individuality & joy intact.

    I’ll stay with testing & knowing our mutual histories.

    • Jada Says:

      You get tested every 3 – 6 months even if you’ve been with no one in that time?

      Bull. Shit.

      I’d bet the entire contents of my checking account, that you troll Craig’s List casual encounters and adult friend finder (is that till around?) ready to fuck any and all willing. Without a condom. After assuring them you get tested regularly.

    • VJ Says:

      EnTAOwed says: “As for pregnancy-I clipped the Dan Savage (gay sex advice columnist) where he cited studies that withdrawal is virtually exactly as effective as condoms”. Sorry that’s pretty bogus, and I’ll call BS on it. While the rates of ‘failure’ (i.e. pregnancy) may be slightly lower than imagined or expected, it’s nevertheless unacceptably high. The most reliable evidence we’ve got says somewhere between about 1/4 to upwards of 40% of teens using such methods will experience such failures, citing the study below from Guttmacher Inst., (Family Planning Perspectives).

      True, as a very careful and ‘cautious’ adult, YMMV, but in no almost instance will a simple barrier method of contraception like condoms be bested or bettered by the age old ‘withdrawal’ method. And it takes some doing to prevent any stray ‘emissions’ and ‘pre-ejecatulate’ which does indeed contain sperm & other active biological agents. So while it can indeed provide some semi-relaible ‘emergency’ Pregnancy protection, it can not, will not & does not provide much in the way of disease avoidance, or any real mitigation of risk.

      Family Planning Perspectives on Contraception:

      So again separating out all the old ‘wives tales’ or commonly accepted beliefs here from what the science tells us today is perhaps the most consistently difficult part of public health and sexuality education therein. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  8. PhillyGal Says:

    I have only had a few partners, but I’ve always used condoms. I’d never had bareback sex until my most recent LTR, so I didn’t know what I was missing. My most recent encounter was amazing and would’ve been moreso sans condom…but in my mind there’s just no way to know and I am not comfortable taking the chance (plus I’m not currently on BC so forget that!).

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      This phrase “bareback” came from the gay scene, and refers to unprotected anal sex.

      Just like Moxie’s “lady boner,” this is a revolting vulgarism.

      How about “au natural” instead? Works for the French.

  9. Jada Says:

    I always used the pill to prevent pregnancy and a condom if he initiated it or I knew him to be particularly slutty. But ugh! I hate condoms. It’s the smell. Oh my god, I can smell them a room away and it nauseates me. I also have a slight latex sensitivity and if the sex goes on longer than usual I get all irritated for them. And just the idea of using a condom for oral makes me sick to my stomach. So yeah, I rarely used them.

    When I was single and slutting it up with near strangers, I was worried about herpes because it’s so common, and to a much lesser degree HIV. But because HIV is actually transmitted mostly in specific demographics to which I or my partners at the time don’t belong, I knew I wasn’t really much at risk. Now I know herpes rarely results in multiple break outs and even if you do get a particularly virulent strain or your body really freaks out about it, it is very manageable with very cheap meds. But holy shit, if I knew then what I know now about HPV and genital warts I don’t know what I would have done. And condoms don’t really protect you. Those warts are naaaaaaaaasty. And so so common. My husband comes home from work nearly every day with stories about having to burn off genital warts by the dozens on men, women, teenagers, gay, straight, trans, everyone with no common denominator other than sexually active. And they come back! Shudder. If you ever do get an STD, pray its chlamydia or gonorrhea. Even if you get it in the throat,, which ewww, but seriously a little dose of penicillin and you’re done. But a wart producing strain of HPV and you better get real close to your doctor.

    I need a bleach shower now.

  10. Crotch Rocket Says:

    We are all fastidious about using condoms, right?
    I’d like to say so, but I’m not perfect.

    Sometimes you start off using a condom and it’s just getting in the way. It pinches, he says. It makes him go soft.
    I had serious problems with condoms until I took the time to experiment and find a type that works for me. It’s a night-and-day difference when using a condom that actually fits right.

    Or maybe he’s just so curious to know what you feel like without one. Or maybe you want to know what it feels like.
    I’ll admit that was a major question for me, since for the first three years I had sex I was absolutely paranoid and never went without. (It didn’t help that none of the girls I dated then were on any other form of birth control.) So, the first time without (i.e. the first girl on the Pill) was a revelation to me.

    Or you don’t like having anything between you. (Okay, that one is a stretch.)
    That’s not a stretch at all; most of the difference now (see above) is psychological. What little actual difference remains is a matter of having to be prepared and having to interrupt things, just as they’re getting good, to put the condom on, which can ruin the mood enough to not need the condom anymore. That is quite frustrating.

    sometimes you just get carried away. Or you trust the person when they say that they’re tested regularly and disease free.
    I’ve only gotten “carried away” a couple of times, and in each case with someone I trusted enough that the paranoid part of my brain didn’t put a stop to things.

    OTOH, within the context of a relationship, I do discuss testing and birth control soon after having sex (with a condom) the first time or two. If their answers are satisfactory and there’s no questions of trust lurking in my head, I’ll drop the condoms. If they’re not on birth control at all or haven’t been tested recently, I’ll suggest a joint visit to Planned Parenthood. Their reaction to that, or any other lurking questions of trust, may make me reconsider the possibility of a relationship.

    don’t forget your guy friends who warn you about women who don’t insist upon on a condom. They probably want to get knocked up, amirite brah?. Right. Everybody who wants to go bareback has an agenda, and it’s not pleasure.
    If a woman admits she’s not on birth control, or that she’s not fastidious about taking her pills, yet tries to convince me not to use a condom, then yeah I’m going to assume she has an agenda. Sorry if that bothers you, but it has kept me child-support-free so far.

    When you engage in oral sex, do you use a condom or a dental dam?
    No. I don’t even know what a dental dam looks like. I had one gal who insisted on a condom for oral sex, but I had trouble staying hard because I could barely feel anything she was doing. And the condoms I use only come in a lubricated version, so there’s not many women interested in putting their mouth on that anyway.

    • LostSailor Says:

      No. I don’t even know what a dental dam looks like.

      And you probably don’t want to. I’ve only ever used one once and never will again. If there is some reason a woman requires a dental dam be used, I don’t want to go there anyway.

      But, just up up the Ewwww factor, here is the definition from Palo Alto Medial Foundation:

      A dental dam, like a condom, is a barrier method. It is a thin, square piece of rubber which is placed over the labia or anus during oral-vaginal or oral-anal intercourse. Dental dams are most often made of thin latex rubber; however….plastic saran wrap from your kitchen can serve as an effective dental dam as well.

      If I wanted to make-out with Saran Wrap, I have a roll of it in the kitchen…

  11. Selena Says:

    The people who insist on using condoms are sometimes those who suffered the consequences from not insisting. Unplanned pregnancies and contracting an STD from someone who didn’t *know* they had one, has happened to many men and women who consider themselves “nice” people.

  12. Karen Says:

    @ Crotch Rocket, yeah.. what i tell my boys who are 20 & 21. Do NOT believe a female who says she is on the pill to prevent pregnancy and I advise them to take precautions. Girls DO try and slip up pregnant and sometimes intentionally. But at least this way you can kill 2 birds with one stone with STD and pregnancy.

  13. The D-man Says:

    I’m not a big fan fan condoms but am good about using them. I’ve found Trojan Ecstasy to be the most pleasant sensation. Not sure what women think of one over the other (or even whether they can notice a difference).

    Here’s a question: has anyone here ever used the female condom? I’ve tried it a couple times and generally liked it. A couple women I’ve suggested it to have freaked out a little about it though.

  14. EnTAOwed Says:

    Why so nasty & cynical Jada? What reason do you have to assume that I am lying & engage in the hypocritical conduct you assume? There is no rational cause for this, & no excuse for being a hater. Though perhaps you are a good person in other ways.

    tell you what. Since I would not take advantage of your mean presumptions & take 1 penny from you, let us see if you are a hypocrite. Find any way you like to maintain your anonymity, I will show you the testing I got just over 2 months ago from the Health Dept. office in Chelsea. For HIV< Chlamydia, Syphilis, & Gonorrhea, in my name.

    My identity is not at stake, & I do this not for ego. But if you see my results, I want you to undo some of the mean hate you likely delude yourself you are not a viral carrier of, by acknowledging it here, admitting you had no reason to call me a liar, & humbly apologizing.

    I show my results to new partners. That is another thing which you assume hatefully I lie about. Have you been so ill treated, or behave this way, that you assume liars even absent any evidence?

    If you do not have the nerve to take me up on this, I don't want to hear any more cruel accusations.

    • Jada Says:

      Cruel accusations? You must be new here.

      So, you claimed to get tested every 3 – 6 months? Therefore, you should have at least 4 tests in the past 2 years? If you can send me 4 tests taken in the last 24 months with your name on them, I’ll apologize.

      By the way, the only people I know who get tested that often are legal brothel workers and people in the porn industry. And yes, I do actually know many of both.

      • The D-man Says:

        I’ve been tested at least 4 times in the last two years.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Completely agree with Jada. I’d be more worried about a person who gets tested regularly than one who doesn’t. First, to me, it suggests a paranoid personality disorder which, itself, indicates someone who had delusions of grandeur and self-importance. Especially in my economic and social circles where most people are doing pretty fucking well for themselves. I know it sounds like I’m joiking but I’m not. There are the same people who imagine they’re going to die in a terrorist attack, or win the lottery. Not only will they not die of AIDS, they will not know anyone that ever died of AIDS. Second, as Jada suggests, if you’re not actually a paranoid then you’re likley legitimately worried because you’ve engaged in risky behavior – the most obvious being sleeping with “high risk” partners, or using intravenous drugs. Lastly, “getting tested” offers a false sense of security. I’d take good judgment any day over a lab report.

        • LostSailor Says:

          Getting tested isn’t paranoid if you have multiple partners over a period of time, especially if you don’t know them well. It has nothing to to with socioeconomic status, there are all kinds of STDs and STIs one can get. Sure, the chances are lower if you really know your partners, but it’s not zero. Since I’ve been sexually active after divorce, I include testing as part of my annual physical. If I thought I made a poor decision in the interim, I would get tested more often, though I haven’t.

          It’s not just HIV. And, yes, I’ve known several people, albeit years ago, who have died of AIDS, and it wasn’t pretty. The chances these days of catching HIV is far, far less, I’d be more worried about other ones.

          That said, I do agree that good judgment is better than a lab report. But it your getting lots of action, a lab report isn’t a bad thing…

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            “It has nothing to to with socioeconomic status.”

            People have died because of that lie you just repeated..

            • Saj Says:

              You guys must have some sweet medical insurance. I got a STD screen once for something unrelated and the bill was insane. I figured how often people talked about getting tested it wasn’t such a big deal price wise.

              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                My insurance covers one annual physical with zero deductible, just a $20 copay; I get a “standard STD panel” then, and it adds another $20 or so.

                I rarely hit my deductible, so testing more than once per year is more expensive–but that’s mainly the cost of the office visit itself, not the $20 extra for the lab tests. And PP does it cheap, for those who need to worry about the cost (eg. people without insurance, or with crappy insurance–also incidentally the people at highest risk).

                • myself Says:

                  Something to be said for universal health care, I can get tested every week if I feel like it (I don’t, but I’m not a multiple partner kinda gal).

                  Personally have gone bareback pretty quick with some people, have a latex allergy and bad experiences with non latex condoms, but they are test results all around, and things are getting serious at that point. But like I say, not a multiple partner person, not my bag.

            • The D-man Says:

              Wait, are you saying rich people didn’t get tested and died? Maybe so, but doesn’t that prove her point?

  15. offensivedan Says:

    If you are a guy in this day and age and don’t use a condom for the nefaroius women who populate the Earth, you are an idiot. I guess you won’t learn until your lady friend and says, “I’m late.” And I don’t mean I’m late to work. There are plenty of women looking for a baby daddy so they can get child support.

    • Selena Says:


      Why do you write here? You don’t like women. You don’t like dating. And it seems very unlikely that you would ever be put in the position of being a daddy to a woman looking for child support. If you are as offensive in person as you are on this blog, it’s hard to imagine any woman considering you as a potential father – for any reason.

      You like being like this? The thought of how you may treat a child of yours (should you by some bad chance have one) makes me shudder. You think you’re cool? No. You are a mother’s nightmare.

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Dan has probably had some bad experiences with women. You ought not assume that your experiences cover the range of people in this country. There are plenty of women who would marry and have children with men much more offensive then Dan has ever been.

        And if Dan didn’t like women, he wouldn’t come here at all. The opposite of love isn’t hate.

  16. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Condoms are the scourge of the earth. Like a few of the male commenters in the midst of other nonsense above, my experience is that most women do not insist on condom use. Some women do, but most women? Just don’t. Typically, women I meet are on the pill, or some other form of birth control. Sorry if that idea (the truth) offends people – most people are just not all that paranoid. Never had a real pregnancy scare. And, although it’s technically true that, as the ads on the subway say, “ANYONE CAN GET IT!!,” the reality is that MOST PEOPLE WON’T. Condoms are just an easy-to-follow-rule to help people who can’t otherwise exercise good judgment on their own. On the other hand, I hate writing comments like this because I’m superstitious. Perhaps my “luck” is about to run out. But I got a good twenty five year run of great sex under my belt.

  17. EnTAOwed Says:

    Yes Jada, you are vicious to attack a stranger & claim:
    1) He is lying about getting tested regularly.
    2) He troll specific web sites & fucks anything he can.
    3) He lies to them about getting tested.

    You gave no reason to doubt me nor assume such specific & damning fantasies about me being a sleazy serial liar to woman. There is no truth to any of it, & you are way out of line. Easy to do anonymously, but horrible conduct. And you think of yourself as decent-to the extent you behave like this, you are projecting malicious, gratuitous disdain. Imagine if a guy did this to a woman here, saying you are a lying slut to an individual woman, you do not get tested & will have sex with anything you can.

    Even offensive Dan does not stoop so low to attack specific woman that way. You are wrong in both senses, to put it mildly.

    • Jada Says:

      When did I ever claim to be decent? Or nice? I’ll break it down for you. I am a total bitch. And a slut. And fat and ugly. And I am a very mean person. Basically, the very opposite of decent. It is a miracle I get laid at all.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        It is a miracle I get laid at all.
        You’re a woman; you don’t need a miracle to get laid, even if you really are bitchy, fat, ugly, mean and indecent.

  18. EnTAOwed Says:

    DMN, you presume a whole passel of damning things just about those who get tested regularly! So D-Man, me & many others are pathological to you-because of your failure of imagination or understanding what is a routine & rational strategy to be responsible. THAT is paranoid, assuming all who choose something different from you must be coming from a fevered, dysfunctional mindset. I will address your misconceptions one by one.

    1) My point was that there are a few ways to be safe. It is extreme & narrow minded that all must make our choices. As you have an inchoate understanding of re: flexibility on condom use. But it is beyond silly to say that you can trust your “luck & judgement” 100%, or to say such negative things about those who DO use them regularly. You kidding? It is one thing to show how there are other ways to be responsible, & look at the details. Another to have the reactionary idea that those who use condoms routinely have a deficit of judgement!

    2) Paranoid, delusions of grandeur & self importance just getting TESTED? That is in itself almost insane. You missed entirely my already well laid out reasons for getting tested. I have never thought I had an STD, & never tested for one. But it is not so hard to get one. If I am doing it when having only been with 1 partner & we were exclusive, or having no lovers, I already wrote that it is a good thing to be able to show a new partner. And makes it reasonable to ask for the same if you are so inclined.

    2) So you did not listen when I showed how you do not need to be even slightly worried about things. I am not at all the nervous type, & have been singing the statistical stories you allude to forever about actual risks. Though you mention just AIDS. Many more folks will get other STDs, & between genital herpes & HPV, most reports say most will some time, though most will not know it. So you have been incomplete to the point of entirely misleading re: actual risk.

    3) Though again, folks like me, perhaps D-man, do not get tested out of ‘Scares”, but as a way to show someone you are safe & act in good faith. A mature effort.

    4) “False sense of security”. You seem to be making a parallel, extreme & undiscerning argument to condoms. Where you do not just say that there are many ways to be or show you are safe & respect those choices-folks have different risk factors & rationales-but dis all who even GET tested as if they were irresponsible!

    I already wrote that anyone can be exposed to anything if they are sexual. You again presume the negative, that those who get tested all feel like they are 100% safe. Huh? No, most all know it means you are STD free then (possibly not if you had any exposure within the last month, usually).

    These are relative things. The irony is I also said that I rarely have used condoms, (& like you have never gotten anyone pregnant). & how i have been safe & shown woman I was. But I do not go around judging all who use them as paranoid &/or having poor judgement. That is an absurd insult to them.

    Superstitions are irrational crutches you know. At least you are not dishonoring the maturity & good choices of those who act in admirable ways when you admit that though..

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      May I borrow your thesaurus?

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I’m just joking. But, rather than respond further here, I’m going to craft a detailed manifesto containing specific responses to the ideas offered in your commentary and I’m going to encrypt same within the texts of various current newspapers and periodicals. Happy hunting.

    • Jada Says:

      The douche doth protest too much, methinks.

  19. EnTAOwed Says:

    Lol! Well at least that non-response seems good-natured. I have seen you write thoughtful replies, & there are not exceptionally difficult words there, so I assume you have absorbed my meaning well. Mom was a writer so we talk pretty/pretty good some daaaze. (sic).

  20. VJ Says:

    People are notoriously bad at assessing risk in general, and their own personal risk in particular. That’s been known & demonstrated for about 100’s of years by now. Despite imagining our ‘relative low risk’ as a specific pool of ‘susceptibles’, we happen to have some of the highest collective STI/STD disease loads/burdens known to modern medicine/epidemiology. Better than 1/3 of almost everyone under the age of 25-30 is afflicted with something, or one of the more commonly seen STDs.

    To put that in perspective: Now find your self one of those old style revolver pistols. There’s 6 slots for 6 shots. Randomly fill 2 of the chambers with ‘live’ bullets. Then fire at some non vital organ on yourself (a foot is a favorite here). Chances are you’ll likely ‘miss’ the 1st time out. But eventually ‘chance’ will overtake your foolishness in accepting such risk, and you’ll badly injure your foot. You’ll live most likely, but you may be hobbled by the experience. Ditto for the sexing w/o protection. You may be able to escape the odds for a very long time. You may not even be much aware of ‘shooting yourself in the foot’ with a low grade infection or minor case of some STI. But eventually, something unfortunate is bound and even likely to happen to the unwise & the unprotected. The pool of unaffected individuals is not so easily avoided, even with regular testing too. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  21. VJ Says:

    That last bit should have read: “The pool of affected/afflicted/infected individuals is not so easily avoided, even with regular testing too. Cheers, ‘VJ’” Sorry for any confusion.

  22. EnTAOwed Says:

    You are virtually completely correct VJ. in how we assess risks. But it is about reducing risk, & what risk you are willing to accept. There are some strategies that are much less effective than many think they are, occasionally the opposite is true. but it does not make sense to tell all what risk they should accept.

    Condoms can fail various ways, fewer partners or abstinence would be safer. And/or more carefully vetting who you sleep with. But for most condoms are considered adequate protection. If both parties get tested there is still risk, but it is unlikely that you will get someone who lies about having very recent sex, so that is another fine strategy.

    Either way using latex between you & a partner you have oral sex with is undeniably safer. Though most like me would find that somewhere between unpleasant & miserable. But who are we to say that they should choose that strategy,, that whatever level of risk is better for their safety & happiness? Some things like doing no screening or using no barriers are clearly high risk, but we cannot say what all should make our precise choices, any more than someone can insist remain abstinent or only have 1 partner inside of marriage & still get tested all the time & take polygraphs…

  23. jeff Says:

    I honestly think that this is surprising, but I do think that Moxie is wrong. I’ve been with about 40 people and have only ever used a condom. I just feel to paranoid about the possibility of something bad happening if I don’t use one (and for reasons mentioned, I don’t trust the person if they say they are taken or STD free. (although my one fear is if someone has herpes since that does not get protected by a condom)

  24. nb Says:

    I hate condoms, but am usually strict about usage, but slipped up once after some intense foreplay. It was in the back of my mind, far back, but the sex was so good that I just went with it. I was concerned the next day, and thought about asking my partner if he was clean, but rather than have an awkward conversation that might not conclude with an honest answer, I just got tested, and fortunately, was clean.

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