Question: So here’s my latest dating gripe. A guy from an online dating site wrote me and immediately wanted to exchange numbers. I’m down for that since I’m a fan of meeting up as soon as possible to test the chemistry waters. We exchanged two emails, and then spoke on the phone. The guy called me at 10:30pm on a Monday night, though he did ask first if that was ok (being it was so late) and I agreed (maybe I shouldn’t have). We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really? Now we have a 10 minute window (on the phone no less- not even in person!) to make an impression??? The conversation was fine, a little awkward as most first phone calls can be, but nothing overly bad/good. I’m just so over the online thing. Everyone is so judgmental so quickly. Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea. He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.
Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea.
That’s because you probably didn’t say anything particularly offensive or off putting. Like I’ve said before…the phone step is just a way for people to find something wrong with someone so that they don’t have to meet them.
Here’s a very simple rule of thumb. People who want to meet people meet people. They don’t want to hop on the phone after two emails at 10:30 at night. You were being set up to fail.
He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.
So then you discussed nothing at all relevant or interesting? Gee, can’t figure out why he might have determined you were boring. I mean, other than he sounds like he has no conversation skills and has poor social skills himself. This is why the phone step is a waste and if rapidly becoming another red flag.
We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really?
Let me let you in on a little secret. This guy was never going to meet you. He truly believes that he’s interested in meeting someone, flexible and oh so engaging. In reality he’s a snooze who is afraid to meet people in person.
It’s funny. The people who bring the least to the table seem to have the most opinions, disclaimers and required steps. They think everybody is boring, weird, strange, etc. Nope. They’re just hoping people won’t stick around long enough to see all their warts.
Stop being so boring and uptight. Develop a personality. Have fun. Stop going into every date with a checklist and all these phony opinions you’ve developed. Case in point:
I am not recovery, however, I personally don’t like to drink, perhaps because I am the daughter of someone who went through recovery? And also just don’t crave alcohol or find it enjoyable…and it seems it’s very hard to find men out there that don’t drink, or suggest going for a drink on date 1, 2 or 3. And if you don’t drink with them? Some men don’t find it enjoyable. Perhaps I am dating the wrong men. I just find that society today is very fixated on getting intoxicated or drinking to be social…when I can have a blast and be social without drinking at all. – Eliza
Good grief. Have a cocktail! You don’t have to get hammered. But geez…loosen up. Sip your drink and make conversation. Leave your judgey uptightness at home. It’s a first date. Not a Dick Cavett interview. The problem isn’t that they like to drink. It’s that you don’t. So either become more accommodating or only date men who don’t drink. Sheesh. Same goes for you guys with a chip on your shoulder about women who get alimony. Until something directly affects you or creates a problem, get over it. Some of you look for stupid things to hang your hat on and so you can blame other people, when the blame should fall squarely on your shoulders.
One thing that I notice when reading profiles is that many of people either try way too hard to sound dynamic or come off like complete shut-in bores. You have to find a middle ground. Lean how to be engaging, both in writing and in person. Try to make your likes and hobbies sound interesting and, dare I say, sexy.
Here’s an example:
A quick glimpse into a day in my life:
*Early morning work outs that get you energized for the day ahead
*Fumbling around my kitchen trying to make blueberry pancakes with bananas
*A hot shower that includes coconut scented body salts (or vanilla. I love both.)
*Walking my eager pooch who manged to snag a couple bits of faux blueberry pancakes
*A few hours scratching things off my To Do list like call back Client X, write up a spec sheet and send you a flirty text
*Kicking off my shoes after a day’s work to jump into a sundress and flip flops to meet a girlfriend for wine and catch up at her place.
*Joining friends for a Mash-Up potluck dinner
*Catching up on the latest episode of Fringe, The Walking Dead or Mad Men
You can take an ordinary life and make it sound intriguing. It’s all in the way you write it.This woman sounds fun, laid back, sexual, active and social. That’s the woman that men like to date. She’s also not afraid to encourage a man to picture her naked. That’s what men want to see.
Same goes for the guys. We don’t want to hear about your job or your travels. I completely agree with the people who roll their eyes at those who list out all the places to which they’ve traveled. Don’t care. And we definitely don’t want to hear about your kids. Leave the self-important humblebraggery for your blog or diary. I remember reading a guy’s profile once. He had posted quotes from women berating him in response to his profile. He was so proud of being considered an asshole. Not attractive.
Oh, and another tip? Stop listening out all the bands you love and books you’ve read and your favorite movies. Instead, use quotes from songs, movies, and books. That’s a great conversation starter and will keep people invested in your profile.
Of course, you should actually include things that you do regularly. Don’t lie (too much.) But hey, a white lie wouldn’t hurt, as long as it doesn’t involve you conquering a goal that there is no way in hell you have even tried to reach let along worked towards before.
Just..be interesting. Make people want to hang out with you and think you’re fun. And then? Be fun! Forget the interview questions. Forget the rules and the lists. Go get tipsy! Make out at the bar. Play music on the juke box. Dance a little. Try a food you’ve never had. Take a risk!
Here’s another suggestion….don’t ask someone what they do for a living either in the initial email stage or on the first date. Let them tell you what they do. I double dog dare some of you to do that. No, you’re not making conversation. You’re trying to find out what their financial situation is before you’ve even kissed them. Do you know why you do this? Because you have stunted social skills. I’m telling you…that need to size everybody up and down before you even determine if there’s a mutual attraction is keeping you single. If you can financially support yourself, and the other person doesn’t appear to be a deadbeat leech, then there’s no reason to focus on their financial/professional situation so early on in the relationship.
Learn how to make conversation. Not polite party conversation, either. Talk about things you love, that get you excited. Show your dates that side of you. Who cares if they know nothing about it?? Educate them. Make them want to learn more..from you.Encourage them to talk about stuff they enjoy. Forget about the interview questions!
Stop worrying so much about making a stellar first impression. Don’t go overboard, of course. But don’t be so worried that they won’t like you because you snort when you laugh, love Big Brother enjoy a greasy cheeseburger.
Bonus tip? Ladies, wear something fun and flirty on your dates. Sundresses are a big plus. Men LOVE sundresses. I just bought about 4 new ones that I can not wait to wear. Show a little skin. Stop being so uptight and being offended so easily. If he says something that gives you pause, brush past it. If he keeps trying to force the conversation a certain way, then leave if it makes you uncomfortable. But at least see it through, if only so you can better learn how to handle such situations.
Every date is more practice for the next one. People should go into every date wanting to enjoy themselves and be good company. Where we go wrong is expecting our date to impress or wow us and forgetting that they are expecting the same in return.