I met K. online earlier this year. I contacted him. He is an actor, 40 and “lived” in Brooklyn. We met once for drinks. Kiss good night at the end of the date and nothing more. He said he wanted to go out again and made tentative plans for the following weekend. I didn’t hear from him again after that and figured HJNTIM
A couple months later his profile popped up in my Activity feed. He had changed his location to Massachusetts. I did not contact him. A few months later I get an email from him through the website. His location had changed back to NYC. He never mentioned our date and neither did I. We made small talk and then he asked if I wanted to go out again. I said yes. We met for drinks a few nights later. He told me that he hadn’t been with a woman in a very long time because he was still getting over a break up from the year before. (?) He walked me home and asked to come upstairs with me. I said no because I had had a couple drinks and thought I would fall asleep. (That was the mostly truth.) He stays in touch daily after that. He said he had to go home for a week but that he wanted to get together again when he got back. We make a date for the night after he gets back. A few hours before our date he emails me to tell me how excited he is to see me and how, if it was okay with me, he’d like to stay over.
I canceled the date.
First off, the fact that he changed his location on his profile was odd. Changing it back a few months later was even more strange. I’ve said before that I don’t like dating transitional guys. Guys who are in between apartments, couch surfing, newly divorced/broken up, etc. To me, his living situation seemed too unstable. I still went out with him because I didn’t have the full story and figured I’d unravel the mystery eventually. As long as I wasn’t being asked to spend money on him or carry him in some capacity, I was okay with getting to know this guy.
Next was his sob story on the second date about how he hadn’t been with anyone in a while due to his past break up. Uh huh. As I said last week (and that post was partly inspired by this situation) someone who makes such a confession is either socially clueless or being strategic. Really? An above average looking guy of 40 living in NYC can’t get laid? Please. A comment like that is meant to lull the recipient into a false sense of security. Yes. I’m so sure that I’m different. Something about me makes this man want to peek his head out from under that shell and rejoin the word. Yeesh. How do women not smell that a mile away?
The third nail in the coffin was his request – before the date – to stay over. Now, I only invite a man up to my apartment if both I plan on sleeping with him and feel comfortable with the possibility that he might stay over. Sorry, but to kick someone out after that is rude. If the guy wants to leave, that’s fine, but I would never ask someone to leave.
All along, my Spidey Senses were tingling about this guy. That growing hesitation was enough for me to pull the plug. I didn’t have to set any traps or Google stalk him. A little critical thinking goes a long way.
I replied to his email and told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having him stay over and wished him luck. He replied and said he was really looking forward to hanging out. I didn’t respond. No damage done.
My gut feeling was that this guy was more looking for a place to crash than anything else. I happen to know of a guy who does something similar, only he actually lives with his GF. He doesn’t pay rent, she takes him away with her on trips, usually pays his bar tabs, etc. He’s constantly crying poor though he recently started his own business. We recently gave me a sob story about how a client owed him a ton of money and that he had to go to a b-day party “where he couldn’t even afford to drink.” Um, stay home? It felt suspiciously like a request for a loan. I never replied to his email.
I don’t care how a guy supports himself. He just has to support himself. And, preferably, lives on his own if he’s over 30, but that is somewhat negotiable. I don’t care if he supports himself off an inheritance or investments or savings. Though I would prefer that he be doing something productive, even volunteering, with his time. It’s one thing to take some time off because you came into some money. I don’t think I could do that long term, for say more than a few months. I’d go crazy.
I could never date someone who wasn’t in some way pulling their weight or who was living off the hard work of other people.
Yet there are plenty of people who effortlessly and shamelessly do just that. The guy from my first story is likely cruising that website looking to cultivate a group of women to date so that, when he gets acting gigs in the city, he has a place to stay. My guess is he actually lives in Massachusetts and comes here for acting jobs. Swell. Get a shoebox apartment in East Harlem for $600, get a second job like every other actor on the planet, and pay your way.
People like this – and they come in both the male and female variety – are Hustlers. They basically leech off other people rather than pay their own way. They comprise a big part of the underbelly of dating in a big/expensive city that attracts dreamers and breeds spoiled rich kids.