How Does She Convince Men She Doesn’t Have Baby Fever?

Name: Jules
Age: 37
State: NY
Question: Here’s a question that I think you’ve never been asked before. I recently had my eggs frozen because I am not ready for babies any time soon and I am also single. I want to meet and be with the right guy, so I’m not on a husband hunt and looking to have a family ASAP.

But I know how guys think. I’m 37 and will want to settle down quickly and pop out babies which isn’t true. I even hear my close guy friends say this about women they date/meet.

How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush and while I am in my mid/late 30s, I can have a baby when the time is right? I can’t exactly plaster that on my forehead but sometimes I want to because I get so frustrated when guy make judgements about me solely based on my age.

I’ve even been tempted to write that in my online dating profile but my common sense tells me that would freak people out and make me look nuts.

Would love your advice.  Thank you!

 

Oh good. A question that won’t generate any angry feelings or controversy. :)

 

I recently had my eggs frozen because I am not ready for babies any time soon and I am also single.

Ok. So….when will you be ready for a baby? Because a man who wants kids in your dating age range, say 39-45, who is looking for a relationship, probably IS looking to have kids sometime soon. It’s great that you took charge of the situation so that you can have children should you want them and when you’re ready. But men have their own biological clock ticking away, too. They don’t want to be the old dad at Parent/Teachers night, etc. They want to enjoy watching their kids grow up.

How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush and while I am in my mid/late 30s, I can have a baby when the time is right? I can’t exactly plaster that on my forehead but sometimes I want to because I get so frustrated when guy make judgements about me solely based on my age.

You’re right. Some do. And one of those judgments is…”She’s almost 40. I want to settle down and start a family in the next few years. Will I be able to do that with her?” I only mention this because it’s important to keep in mind the male perspective on a situation like this.

The fact is, you kind of are in a rush to have babies. Maybe not in a self-imposed way. But in a biological way. You have about 3-5 years to conceive naturally without many or any issues. You’re not 30 anymore. You’re 37, which puts you squarely in the “late thirties” bracket. Yes, you’ve frozen your eggs and that’s a smart thing to do. But what people who advocate for that usually don’t discuss in too much detail is how men might feel if that is presented as an option. Many if not most men prefer to conceive naturally if they want their own biological kids. They don’t want test tubes and implantation procedures hoping things will stick. Especially when they can find someone younger who can get pregnant without all that. The harsh truth is that your window of opportunity isn’t what it was 5 years ago. You’ve had your time to be footloose and fancy free. Now you have to buckle down and get serious if you want to find someone with whom you can have children. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. You’ll find a way to get what you want. It just might not look like you expected it to look.

That’s just some food for thought. To answer your question, here are some options:

1.  Put a line in your profile and say that you’re not currently on the marriage/baby track and look forward to relationships unfolding organically. I don’t think that would hurt you, though men might not believe you. If anything, it’s a good way to weed those skeptics out.

2. Change your profile to say that you “might” want kids. Sorry, but if your profile says that you want kids that, along with your age. is enough to make guys think you’ll be in a rush.

3. Tell these men when you meet them that you are not in a rush.You don’t have to announce it, but you can work it into a conversation naturally.

I don’t necessarily agree that most men now assume that a woman in her late thirties is itching to settle down and have kids. If anything, I think a lot of men now think the opposite – that the woman is single by choice with no intention of settling down anytime soon. I’ve seen a lot of male profiles that state that they’re not looking to casually date someone and want a relationship. Which means they are meeting women who want to circuit date for as long as they can.

If you’re upfront about this and in no way coming off as anxious to settle down, then these men aren’t really dismissing you because they fear you have a screeching biological clock. They might say or imply that they are, but they’re not. That’s a reasonable excuse to use that few people will argue. It sounds much better than, “I prefer someone younger.” Or, contrary to what you believe, you are giving off signs that you’re looking for a husband/father for your children.

 

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44 Responses to “How Does She Convince Men She Doesn’t Have Baby Fever?”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    Hmmm. The OP needs to be a little more honest with herself, and her potential mates. She’s not in her mid-30s, she’s in her late 30s. Freezing eggs is definitely a good idea, but it’s clearly a hedge against biology. With no guy on the horizon, time is working against her. Moxie is right that a man will prefer to have a pregnancy result from just getting frisky; the frozen eggs are for the early 40s when it’s not happening naturally. And IVF is not cheap.

    I know whereof I speak; my ex and I waited too long to try to have kids, and ultimately we decided not to go the IVF route (no frozen eggs) or other options. It’s why I don’t have kids right now. No big deal; I’ve long ago made my peace with it.

    But saying she’s in no rush to settle down and have kids doesn’t strike me as true. Taking the step to freeze eggs now indicates to me that she definitely wants kids. And the truth is that she has a rapidly closing window for that. If she wants to signal guys that she’s in no rush when she really is, she’s setting herself up for failure and heartache.

    My opinion, for what its worth, is that she should be honest and up-front about what she wants. Yes, it will shrink the available pool of men who will want to date her and will open herself up to men who may or may not be appropriate who will date her because they want marriage, kids, and family. She’ll need to have good screens while being open at the same time. Hard to do.

    But if she takes the “I’m willing to wait” approach with dating, let’s break that one down. She’ll need to date a lot to find someone not only compatible, but a guy who shares her values and wants to have kids fairly soon. Establishing a relationship with that guy takes time. I assume she’ll want to be married, so unless she wants to elope, there’s a period of engagement and wedding. How long will that take? A year, two, or perhaps three? The guy she finds will have to want to start a family almost immediately. The other option is to wait too long and rush into something that won’t end well. And the longer she waits, the more men will be wary of committing, a lose-lose situation.

    It’s a fine line to tread between being honest about wanting to have kids pretty quickly and not appearing desperate and scaring guys off. But I think the answer is how I try to approach dating: be honest, but in your head also be outcome independent with any given person. Otherwise, she’ll be trying to attract men and then trying to convince them to join her agenda, which is time consuming. It’s not easy, but it will allow her to be efficient and weed out those who will waste her time.

    Time is not on her side.

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    • Howard Says:

      So what’s so bad about a guy assuming you want to have kids.

      Most women assume men only want sex until proven otherwise. Most men don’t lose any sleep over that.

      Everybody assumes something. It’s really no big deal. People also say one thing, then mean another or do another. And that’s not a big deal either. Why do I get the feeling, that may be front central in your piece. Saying you don’t want kids now, but storing your eggs in your late thirties.

      Maybe if you want guys to lighten up, maybe you should lighten up. Just meet as many men as possible. People really do respond to the energy you give off.

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  2. GuyDatingAbroad Says:

    There is a lot more to the OP than meets the eye. Not that the unanswered questions are relevant to this post, but they are relevant to her dating situation, relationship status, and future potential.

    First, Moxie’s comment about when does she feel ready is spot on. Guys in the 39-45 bracket who do want kids are eager to get started soon. I see this from my own circle of single and childless male friends. I suspect that the OP is interested in dating guys much younger. I have seen enough dating profiles of 37 year old women to note that the vast majority are seeing a guy 30-40, which really means they are hoping to for a younger guy. Dating coach Evan Marc Katz explains it more eloquently in his post about “Why Do Women in Their 30s Not Want to Date Men in Their 40s?”:
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-do-women-in-their-30s-not-want-to-date-men-in-their-40s/
    If this is the case, EMK’s hard hitting feedback is spot-on. The OP needs to get realistic. Few among these guys are going to be interested in the scenario she has created.

    Second, freezing eggs is not a trivial matter, nor is the motivation behind it. Which leads me to conclude that the OP really is eager for kids. So the line about not being in any rush does not come across as congruent. If that is the way it feels to me here, there is also a good probability for dates to pick up that something is amiss in the OP’s story line while she is on a date. Then, nothing you do or say will change that perception.

    Third, if someone is so eager to start a family, and she hasn’t already, there are other issues at play that are preventing that from happening. Is she being too picky? Are there issues below the surface that sabotage relationship potential? Is she dating out of her league? There are a limitless number of possibilities here. The point is that something is keeping her from her goal for a child. Whatever that is, she has to come to terms with it, because it is holding her back, or accept that having a child is not truly a top priority.

    I know a woman who’s young child died amidst tragic circumstances and a painful divorce. She froze her eggs. Meanwhile, as she was searching for a relationship, she had to spend time on herself. She finally chose to donate those eggs to someone else who wanted them, as she felt that she could no longer take that path. I know this is only a single example, but it says to me two things:
    1) Freezing your eggs doesn’t buy as much time as you think, and
    2) there are likely other issues at play that need to be addressed personally.

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  3. Gorb Says:

    It’s not that she wants to date someone necessarily in their early 30′s to 40. Here’s my take.

    If a woman who is, say, 38-40 writes that she wants a man from … 30-39 (her own age), what it means is that she’s not willing to date a man who’s older than her.

    I give you this:

    For a 37-45 year-old man with his s**t together and who takes care of himself, women from 27-35 are pretty much fair game. This may be unfair, but there are still enough women who will gladly go along with this to make it viable.

    No matter how awesome you are, a man your age or younger almost always has better options. if he chooses you, you’re profoundly lucky.

    What’s happened is that a tiny subset of women, especially those online, are living in cloud-cuckoo happy land, where their own dating value never goes down. Even if it does for everyone, they’re going to be that one excpetion – because the drama of life is about them. It’s their experience and opinions that matter. The rest of the world is irrelevant.

    This is fine, but this meets up against a hard disconnect when the mating market hits home. A lot of women aren’t ready for the realities of dating in their mid thirties and above. It’s a hard world out there; and it may not concide with their personal perceptions of their sexual market value. And even where they acknowledge this, they still don’t want it to be true.

    Just by listing some young age to their current age, they’re saying: I’m dreaming of that period when I was (5 years?) younger than now, and there was no pressure and every option was available. I don’t want that time to end, and so therefore I want to date the same men I dated 5, or even 10 years ago.

    The problem is, those men are married now, or dating your secretary.

    Women are sold a line these days, but the actual, on-the-ground dating and marriage market hasn’t changed a jot from the time of our mothers and fathers. The basic rules are the same. Just because they wish it so, doesn’t mean the market will deliver.

    I’ve seen literally no end of quasi-delirious women who think that, because when they were 27 they had this, they MUSt have this now.

    One case:
    Asian woman, had her chocie of wealthy, extremely attractive, charming men in her early 20′s. She married at 26, had two children, and now, … at 36, divorced two years, and clearly a bit of a narcissist, expect men to be at *least* as handome as her ex (I wasn’t), extrmely well-off (“You should have it together – I have a house (expensive) and a lifestyle”), and this was the kicker:

    27-37.

    In other words, 40 was too old.Worse. she wasn’t 36; she was actually 39. She lied on her profile. Why? Because she wasn’t interested in dating older men. There were too many badly held together men out there, and way too many 45-50 year-olds were writing to her and asking her out when she was out in public.

    When I asked her if she thought having two kids by her first husband and a string of very heavy demands were a turn-off for most men, she admitted:

    She’d had a string of 3-month long relationships for two years. She’d date someone, who would be with her, but inevitably, at the 3-month mark, he’d bolt. She was getting angry and upset.

    She was attractive enough to bed, for sure; she was well-kept. But she was dating slightly younger men or men her own age, who (I can attest) had not the slightest interest in a long-term relationship with her.

    She was visibly frustrated and angry with the world. It emanated from every pore. She had no idea why it was so hard to meet “real men”, her exact words: There were no good men left.

    The fact tha tit was her who was so utterly deluded escaped her completely.

    The last I saw, she remained bitter and slightly on edge, posting angry commentary about how most men her age were awful.

    A lot of women who post like that have the same issue.

    “I was 25 and all men adored me. Where’s that gone? Bring it back. I deserve it!”

    Sad, really. But just try and explain it.

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    • Kurt Says:

      I can understand why a 37-year-old woman would find slightly younger men attractive, but unless the women is smoking hot, few men who are 5+ years younger would consider her to be a good marriage prospect unless she is far more attractive than what they are used to dating. Men her age do have it better, but men also usually have it much worse than women when the men are in their 20s.

      There must be some decent men in their early 40s who would be good marriage prospects. However, men are very careful about who they marry and any man she dates is probably going to have an idea in the back of his head that she might be settling for less than what she really wants because she is desperate to have kids.

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Laugh if you like, but when I was 27 I married a 37 year old woman. I didn’t see it at the time ( ah, youth! ) but she was desperate to have babies and I was her last ditch attempt. Two years of trying without results and she was so outta there.

        In my defence, she was smart and a talented dancer and pretty darn good looking, but even considering all that, I was pretty darn foolish.

        Oh, and she knew how to flatter and fake and all the dark arts of man-ipulation that most feminist women could never bring themselves to do. I miss that part.

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  4. VJ Says:

    All fine thoughts here. Moxie’s spot on here. Freezing your eggs is the rational part of your mind telling you that not only is the clock ticking, but time is getting short. The letter & query by ‘Jules’ is the wish fulfillment delusional part of the exchange wishing against hope that you can ‘leave your options open’ and perhaps find that hunky young stud who’ll Not be too scared of the older women, and want to nest with her. So Just stop. Give it up. Let the rational part of the mind & argument win. At 37, your eggs are nearing their yes, ‘biological senescence’. At a young & healthy 40 something? You’re also nearing the limits of safely & easily carrying a child to term without too many complications or hazards or risks to the health of the child. Someone needs to tell women this, and their OBGYN’s certainly need to be mindful of this.

    The reality of it is that even if you’re in fine shape and feel great & look the proverbial ’10 years younger’ and think of yourself as quite the catch, you’re still not looking at a whole lot of time to play with here. That may seem perfectly unfair, and tragically it is for all too many couples & women who dearly desire children at the same ages. But realistically you’re looking at something like a 5 year window of opportunity here. So yes, advance planning does help, so does being more realistic about your options and what you want. Trying to ‘finesse’ the point that a.) You DO want children and b.) this should occur within a few years time (which BTW is quite natural in many LTR & marriages) is putting off the inevitable. You ARE looking for a father for your children.

    So you can and might feel more laconic and less frantic about it than others of similar ‘vintage’, but this too is mostly a matter of taste and emphasis. The guys know the score. Hell EVERYONE knows the score. In 5 years time or less, if you’re not pregnant or have already delivered a child? You’re not likely to ever have one. Full stop. That’s the ‘harsh reality’ here. Pretending to imagine otherwise is simply self delusion, and really serves no one. So save yourself some time, trouble and angst here. Look for the guys actually open to wanting a family, and ones stable enough to be able to be supportive of the enterprise. It’ll save a lot of time and trouble otherwise. Yes, there’s no need to scare them unduly right out of the gate. But there are guys out there of similar ages or older who are quite open to the prospects. There’s just no use trying to drag any of the horses to the proposition if they’re unready or unduly suspicious of the idea of children in their near future. Sadly, this may in fact ‘deal out’ and ‘self select’ for mostly older dudes perhaps. But getting started sooner with a more amenable prospect is the virtue of making peace with reality instead of fighting it.

    Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

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  5. Paul Murray Says:

    Mum had me (naturally) when she was 42. I was raised through my teens by an old, athrhiticky woman. I don’t recommend it.

    How old do you want to be when your kids are 16 or 18? 60? Work back from there. This woman has less time than she thinks, and/or can’t do basic arithmetic.

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  6. fuzzilla Says:

    If she wants kids enough to freeze her eggs, she should be OK with having them whether there’s a man around or not. Perfectly fine to search for and want one, but don’t rush things or settle. Accept that it may not work (wow, I’m so glad I don’t want kids. Would be OK dating someone who already had them).

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    • Eliza Says:

      to Craig–very well put, couldn’t have said it better myself.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Fuzzilla-yes, glad having a baby is not on my agenda….however, I love children…but know that in my 40′s–it’s highly unlikely–and I made peace and have accepted that also. If it were to miraculously happen, I would be blessed of course. But not on my mind at all. The best scenario for me would be to meet a widow – that has a baby or young child.

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  7. Selena Says:

    I would expect the pool of men between 35 – 45 who wanted children to be fairly sizeable. For the men in their 20′s and early 30′s who said they wanted children “someday” – someday has come. The fact Jules wants to be able to convince all men she isn’t in any rush to have children suggests to me she doesn’t want to limit herself to that particular pool.

    I can understand a woman of 37 wanting to find the right man for her – not JUST a man who’s willing to be a father. It isn’t preferbaly to have a family if you don’t have a good relationship with each other. So I wonder if Jules has considered the possibility that the ‘right’ man for her may turn out to be one who doesn’t want/want any more children? That may be the consequence of taking her time, fishing in a larger pool.

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  8. The Private Man Says:

    What, am I the only one who is going to say it? This woman is out of her fucking mind! She’s batshit crazy with a rationalization hamster bigger and angrier than Godzilla.

    For women, the fertility train leaves the station at 30 years old. This is basic biology and don’t fuck with it. Freezing eggs?! Really?! Our civilization is heading downhill fast and being led by 30-something career dames who want it all…

    While the decline accelerates… I’ll be poolside, watching with glee.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 23

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I can’t think of a more pragmatic and less delusional act than freezing one’s eggs to preserve potential options down the road. A modern solution to a distinctly modern “problem” in my opinion.

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      • jaclyn Says:

        Actually, my hope is that women consider doing this when they are younger. Here were some numbers I found from a CNN article ” a woman who freezes her eggs between the ages of 32 and 35 will have a 40 to 50% chance of achieving a successful pregnancy. If freezing between ages 35 and 38, the rate goes down to 35%. If freezing at 39 or 40, it’s 20 to 25%, and if freezing eggs over age 40, the success rate will be less than 10%.”

        There was more information included in the original article here: http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/06/health/fertility-eggs-embryos-empowered-patient/index.html

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  9. K Says:

    To address this part of the letter:

    “How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush and while I am in my mid/late 30s, I can have a baby when the time is right? I can’t exactly plaster that on my forehead but sometimes I want to because I get so frustrated when guy make judgements about me solely based on my age.”

    I may be able to offer some perspective, as a woman who’s also 37, and was online dating during the past year.

    I never once had an issue with any guy judging me or seeming to think I was in a rush to have babies.

    I’m someone who’s always felt that kids may not be for me (though somewhat open to the possibility if I end up in a situation where it feels right). I’m *not* in a rush to have kids, so I’m not sending those messages. Which is why I think you might be, even if subconsciously, sending such messages – otherwise why would guys assume you’re in a rush? I have to think this perception comes from things you say or talk about on dates, or something you may have in your profile that tips guys off.

    In my profile I checked “maybe” or “someday” in the “want kids?” section. I started off my profile talking about how I’m in a good place, and am looking for a committed relationship with someone I can trust and depend on, etc., then a paragraph about my interests, some stuff about what I can bring to a relationship, and I think that’s pretty much it.

    On dates I just talked about what I’m up to, trips taken recently if the guy asked about that, what I do for work, for fun, etc. And about the guy, obviously. The subject of kids never came up on a first, 2nd, or 3rd date. I never got any sense that guys were thinking about that or judging me on that subject. EXCEPT for one guy who was 42 or 43 and outright asked me on the 4th date how I feel about having kids… When I explained it’s not something I ever felt a really strong need to do but I may be open to it, I could tell he was just done at that point. He was at a point in his life where settling down and having kids was his number one priority, and he ended up telling me that after the date.

    So yeah, I would really scour your profile for anything that communicates you’re looking to settle down and be a mom rather than go out and have fun, and just DON’T talk about kids on early dates or anything about settling down, getting serious, etc. If you don’t, there’s no reason for guys to assume that’s what you want. Be careful of the messages you send.

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    • OP Says:

      Thanks for your perspective…especially since we’re the same age and you seem to get where I am coming from.

      I never bring up settling down, marriage or having babies on any early dates. No way. I am currently not online dating but considering getting back into it, but certainly apprehensive about being older now. Last time I seriously online dated was 35 and it wasn’t great.

      I definitely want to date/meet guys at least my age or older (37+).

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      • K Says:

        Oh ok, so it’s just something you’re concerned may happen, not something that actually has been happening? In that case, I wouldn’t worry about it. If you don’t actually have an agenda, then I don’t think guys will pick up on one. Like I said, no one has seemed to make that assumption about me based on my age.

        I would just take the online dating easy at first and not worry about talking about kids until you find you have good chemistry with a guy and things are moving along. At some point if things are moving toward a relationship you would probably want to find out how he feels about having kids, but you’d want that discussion to come up naturally.

        I don’t even know when you’d bring up the fact that you’ve frozen your eggs though – that one’s out of my depth.

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  10. OP Says:

    Hi there, this is the Original Poster. Just to give a bit more context. I have been in two serious relationships over the past three years. They didn’t work out for a myriad of reasons. I’ve never been the girl who wants to get married for the sake of getting married. It’s more important to me to find the right person that to have a ring on my finger.

    I am not one of those women who likes to date younger men. I would prefer someone who is 36-45.

    Second, I hear my guy friends (who are 37-41 years old) make little comments all the time about the women they’re meeting/dating. “Oh, she’s 38 so she’s going to want to get serious in 6 months and have my babies”
    “She’s 37 and will probably want to get married after only a year of dating”
    “She’s in her late 30s so she probably can’t have my kids”

    So what I’m worried about is guys I meet/date making the same snap judgments about me. When I say I’m not ready for kids anytime soon, I should have been a little more explanatory about ‘when’ exactly I would be ready. Hopefully before I am 40, but not within 6 months of dating! That’s what I want people to understand. What’s important to me is that I find the right guy and I am open to having children sooner rather than later if the timing is right for both of us.

    Finally, I will say after going through the egg-freezing process (and mine was very successful, I was able to get over 20 eggs!), you can never predict/assess a woman’s fertility based on her age. I saw women in the waiting room of all age ranges (early 20s to early 40s). Also speaking with friends about my procedure, I’ve heard countless stories of women even in their twenties having to go through IVF because they had problems conceiving naturally.

    So for those made comments about women and when they can/can’t conceive, you clearly haven’t been through the process yourself. Yes age does play a huge factor but every woman is different and you can’t predict her ability to have children naturally solely based on her age. Not until she sees a fertility specialist and gets a medical opinion.

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    • The D-man Says:

      I date generally women your age +/- 5 years. I don’t have kids and don’t really want them, but I believe I could be talked into them for the right person. (I’m 44, so she’d have to be very persuasive.)

      I date women who say they want kids, but I also tell them what I said above by the second date at latest. I also put “not sure” in my profile.

      As far as I can tell it’s never been an issue per se, but recently two women I’ve dated have gone on to date other guys who’s selling point over me is that they definitely want kids. C’est la vie.

      So I’m one of the guys who would probably contact you, and I believe others would as well.

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      • Eliza Says:

        D-Man–having children is not something a person should be “persuaded to do”. In my opinion. I would never pressure into that type of lifelong commitment. And any intelligent woman would prefer to be with a man that “genuinely wants kids”, and not on the fence. Nothing wrong with not wanting children. Different people make the world go round. We are all entitled to what we want and our lifestyle choices. The OP is better off dating men who definitely have that priority on their mind. Otherwise, at the age of 37 years old–she would be wasting valuable time dating men who are on the fence.

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        • The D-man Says:

          Thanks for your opinion. I think I’d be a great father because I’m good with kids, even studied education. But I’m not going to have kids if I don’t feel like my partner has truly thought out the consequences.

          My ex wanted kids because “OMG babies are so cute!!!!” and hadn’t really thought about what it meant in terms of lifestyle changes. We actually tried but couldn’t conceive.

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          • Eliza Says:

            D-man–sorry, but I don’t believe having a baby – solely based on the idea that “they are so cute” constitutes a valid reason to make that decision.

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  11. OP Says:

    ps. Moxie, forgot to thank you for your perspective. Your suggestion of “Put a line in your profile and say that you’re not currently on the marriage/baby track and look forward to relationships unfolding organically.” was great and I will definitely use it. It’s perfect, succinct and makes the right point. Thank you!!

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  12. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    My experience has been that women in their late thirties are less panicky about having babies, not more. The worst age for women is the 29-30 time period. I dated several women who had a crisis after turning 30. By the time women reach their mid-thirties, many have come to realize that having children is not a real priority for them.

    I think its more fair to say that men will assume that ALL women want to get married and have babies because, for the most part, most women seem to want that. Its not something you can fix, though as K suggests, you may be exacerbating the problem by your words or actions.

    I don’t think its the OP’s job to dispel these prejudices. The best approach, I think, is what K suggested which is, by omission, to not make raising a family a priority.

    Moxie’s suggestion could work too but it may prove “too much.” Meaning, it may appear you have an agenda NOT to have kids, which is not a message you want to send either. Or, you’re trying hard to convince people that you’re not one of those “delusional” women. Its similar to women who say how much they love sports because they think its what men want to hear. I think men (who are not themselves in a rush) will be looking for a woman who is open to having children because that is normal for women, and men want someone normal. In other words, even if a guy doesn’t really want kids, he may want a women who kind of does. There’s irony there I know but doesn’t mean its not true.

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    • jaclyn Says:

      I’d agree with DrivingMeNutes’ comment. During my mid to late 20s, there were quite a few men who I went out on first dates with who were very concerned about finding out if I was interested in marriage. They all had stories about previous girlfriends who had pressured them into marriage, and they were clearly not interested in dating another woman on the marriage track. One of these men told me that he dated a girl in med school who broke up with him when she realized he wasn’t serious about getting married, and she went on to marry his best friend. To avoid awkwardness, I’d lie, smile, wave my hand and tell them I had plenty of time. I wouldn’t go out on any further dates since I didn’t want to waste their time.

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      • jaclyn Says:

        Oh – sorry – I made a mistake in my previous comment.

        “They all had stories about previous girlfriends who had pressured them into marriage, and they were clearly not interested in dating another woman on the marriage track.” should say

        They all had stories about previous girlfriends who had tried to pressure them into marriage, and they were clearly not interested in dating another woman on the marriage track.

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    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Driving…you can’t change people’s perceptions and if someone is going to make snap judgments about you – based on your age…and bolt…so be it. You don’t want to date someone that is that judgmental anyway. Trust me, when you meet someone that is right for you–they will take the time to get to know you before making any hasty judgments.

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  13. Diane Says:

    I feel I must weigh in here, because it’s beyond my comprehension how static and old-fashioned some people’s views still are regarding childbirth and “older” women conceiving. Although there are clearly cases of “older” women having trouble conceiving, and it’s true that our risks do increase with age, if you are a healthy individual “of a certain age” who chooses to have children, there is no law–biological or otherwise–that says you shouldn’t. Women can and do conceive well into their forties. I have an aunt who bore 8 children, the youngest at the (even I’ll admit) advanced age of 53. 53! But that daughter is now a mother herself, married and with two boys of her own. And my aunt is still alive to enjoy her children and grandchildren. Take that!

    I have wonderful, beautiful examples in my life–friends and family both–of not only successful and healthy pregnancies, but of loving, confident, “older” moms whose children benefit from their “advanced age.” Just as there’s something to be said for being a young mom, there’s equally something to be said for us “older” moms.

    I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at the “advanced age” of 39. I had an ideal pregnancy, no complications during labor, and a healthy post-partum. All at the “advanced age” of . . . 39, egads! I could have had kids earlier; but I chose not to, because I didn’t *want* to, because I knew that *I* wasn’t ready. I got everything out of my system that needed to get out and I waited, because I knew that’s the kind of mom I wanted to be–a complete and whole person. Is that selfish? Yes! But I’d much prefer be selfish BEFORE having kids. Imagine the scores of neglected and abused children out there who could have benefited from a mom who’d thought to really *think* about the responsibility of raising a child before actually having borne one.

    Am I unique? Absolutely not. A close friend has two beautiful, healthy boys–she conceived her first at 39, her second at 42. She is a fit 46-year-old now; she Rollerblades, does yoga during her lunch hour. Another girlfriend, who is 40, is expecting her first child, along with her husband. My 42-year-old cousin is pregnant with her first child. “Older” women having kids later in life is no longer the exception to the rule. If we could all see past the numbers, maybe we could all lead happier and healthier–also longer–lives.

    Perhaps it’s because I live in New York, where having kids later in life is par for the course for many career-driven women, but we do not stand alone, us “older moms.”

    As for the woman who wrote in with her questions, fertilizing her eggs and not letting nature take its course and allow things to happen organically? To each his own, but it’s clear she does want children; it’s also clear she wants a mate. If you go to that extent, you’re putting a plan into effect. But the fact that she’s writing in, seeking advice, and still asking for acceptance tells me that she is also looking for something beyond herself instead of first looking within. I wish her luck and I hope things work out well for her.

    As for me, I’m excited to be a mom. Just that. A mom!

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    • Adrienne Says:

      Diane, I loved your post, and agree with you to a certain extent. Although it is possible for women to conceive and have healthy babies in their 40s (many of my friends did with no problems), the fact remains that it CAN be harder when you’re older, and the OP is bearing that in mind.

      I think ultimately what the OP is trying to convey is that she wants to make sure that she has the right partner before children, and since she doesn’t know how long that will take, has taken precaution to ensure that when she does meet him, she is prepared and not at an age when it’s more difficult to conceive naturally.

      Hats off to her. One of my biggest regrets is that I did not freeze my eggs 10 years ago when I was 30.

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    • Eliza Says:

      When I say it’s increasingly difficult for women to conceive…I am referring to women in their mid-40′s to late 40′s. Unlikely. But yes, there are exceptions…and they are truly blessed!

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  14. Craig Says:

    From a guy’s perspective, I would say don’t even bring up the baby thing unless a guy inquires about it first. Just enjoy dating and don’t overthink things. We’re not stupid, we know most women want children at some point and that there’s a biological clock ticking. There’s nothing wrong with that and thus there’s no reason to hide it or conversely highlight it. Any guy who’s going to prejudge a woman as “baby crazy” has his own issues to work out and probably isn’t a good match to begin with. If a woman wants children, that should be clearly stated in her profile because it’s an important part of who she is and no one wants their time wasted. Only the foolish will assume that automatically means she wants them ASAP.

    My now wife was 35 when we met. The first baby conversation didn’t happen until two years later. I think by then any well-adjusted man is ready to have that conversation. She’s now 40 and is just now signling she’s ready to begin. I’ve had three female friends give birth at 40, as well as my wife’s cousin. Her older sister is now preggers at 43. So I think the age limit thing is overhyped. Bottom line: don’t worry about whether guys think you’re baby crazy. When you meet the right one, he’ll instantly see you as the mother of his future children among other things anyway. That’s part of knowing when you’ve met the right one.

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    • jaclyn Says:

      Lots of women are giving birth in their 40s now. Some are able to do so naturally with absolutely no fertility treatments, but a lot of those couples need IVF with donor eggs and most couples using DE don’t tell people how their child was conceived. For some people, the idea of using donor eggs isn’t a big issue, but other people are very concerned about the fact that the mom will not be genetically related to her baby. If you are comfortable using donor eggs, then your window of fertility is much longer than women who want to have babies conceived with their own eggs (unless they have already frozen them). Lots of women are giving birth in their 40s, but women can’t assume they will be able to do so with their own eggs (although there are certainly no guarantees at any age.)

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      • Eliza Says:

        Sorry Jacklyn–but the odds are definitely against women in their 40′s….biologically–there are so many risks with having children at that age range. Not saying it can’t happen, or that a baby would be unhealthy. But still, it’s unlikely. Also IVF is very expensive. Having a child naturaly is expensive as it is!

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    • Eliza Says:

      Craig–fully agree…and besides, you can’t control what men are going to presume anyway. By the mere fact that the OP is in her late 30′s–men will automatically presume that she will be dating with “marriage and family” on her mind. Just my “assumption” here. Not good to assume obviously. But it’s human nature. There are presumptions with age.

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  15. Violet Says:

    Adoption…? Fostering..? Does no one else think these are good options???

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    • Eliza Says:

      Violet–they are great options…if you have that kind of money. Very expensive option, and not affordable to everyone.

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    • Kurt Says:

      Most men are going to want their own children if they want to be a parent.

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  16. Crotch Rocket Says:

    But I know how guys think. I’m 37 and will want to settle down quickly and pop out babies which isn’t true. I even hear my close guy friends say this about women they date/meet.
    That’s because, well, it’s true for the vast majority of women (if they don’t already have kids). You may be in denial about it, but freezing your eggs shows that, on some level, you’ve got baby on the brain and recognize your time is running out. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

    How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush
    Just don’t bring it up. IMHO, short of telling them you don’t want kids at all (which will filter out the guys who do), there is simply nothing you can say on the topic that will be interpreted in the manner you want. The more effort you put into trying to convince us, the more convinced we’ll be that you’re in denial.

    Here’s the thing: you should be in a rush at this point. Even if you met Mr. Right today, it’d probably be two or three years before you’d have your first kid. And what if you want two or three? That puts you well into your 40s–and having to put those kids through college around the time all your peers will be retiring. Is that really what you want? There are alternatives, and while they may not be ideal, perhaps your current plan is even less ideal?

    Would love your advice.
    My advice, that I would give to nearly every single person, is to thinking not just about who you want but about who they want–or, better yet, start with who wants you and backtrack from there. And you have to start with a realistic self-assessment relative to your competition for such people.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Very well said, CRocket. I fully agree. The bottom line is, most women in their 30′s, that are career-oriented, (or not also) actually DO date with a different purpose–that is, if in fact they do want a family, and the whole 9 yards. You do and SHOULD view dating differently, and not just pass time and be casual about it. Yes, have fun, it’s important to be with someone you can laugh, be yourself with, and not take everything so seriously–but at the end of the day…you want to know that that man has the same priorities as you do. So you don’t waste valuable time. Unfortunately there is a biological clock at hand with women…AND men for that matter. But, yes, it mostly towards women which a window of time is open. And yes, it’s not just about who YOU want, but who wants YOU…and it’s a mutual interest. If you are in your mid-30′s, meeting that person who is interested in settling down takes time, and once you do find that person, don’t you want to travel a little with them, rather than speed into a situation with a child…so quickly after meeting them? Things take time…and time goes by very quickly.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Actually I agree…the more you try to convince others that you are on the baby track…the more you will accomplish doing the exact opposite. Just by merely mentioning you are not looking to have a baby straight away — is evidence enough that it IS actually on your mind. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a family/baby. I would just go with it…and actually it would probably weed away the men that truly don’t want that “down the road” anyway.

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  17. Carlos Says:

    “Do All Men Assume That Women Want Commitment?”

    No.

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  18. Horace Says:

    I know a lot of single men, and ain’t any of them looking to knock someone up. I’m sure there are plenty of exceptions to that rule, but I think it’s still the rule. At least in the crowds I run in, in NYC.

    I find it laughable that anyone thinks single men are wanting to have kids so much that they’ll dump an otherwise good woman who doesn’t. What is this, a romantic comedy?

    And for the record, guys don’t assume that women want commitment. At least none of the guys I know. We assume that women WANT MEN WHO WANT COMMITMENT (regardless of whether she wants it or not), that even a women who wants something casual still wants to be wanted for more. Thus, if a woman comes on to you strong at the bar with her promiscuity vibe set to maximum, you still can’t act like she’s a disposable sex toy. Even sluts want to feel special (I use “slut” affectionately here).

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