How Long Do You Wait To Commit?

I was reading Evan Mark Katz’s blog this morning. The article was about whether or not 3rd date sex is the “new normal.”

I was amused by one comment in particular. The woman was claiming victory because she and her guy have been dating 6 whole weeks and they agreed to be exclusive after date 5. Also making her proud was that she laid down the law about how she wouldn’t have sex until they were exclusive. And he agreed.

Now, I can’t think of a bigger recipe for disaster than this. Basically, it’s an impulse purchase. In the moment it’s what they want. Then they get it home and try it on and it doesn’t quite fit or work properly.My question would be…why? Why is this person so quick to make the sacrifices that commitment requires?

A woman who does this just doesn’t care about sex.  Since sex and sexual issues are one of – if not the – leading causes for break-ups/divorce, it’s kind of a big deal. To agree to swear off all other partners when you don’t even know if this particular person will satisfy you is a huge risk.

A man who does this is hard up or doesn’t like/care about sex or doesn’t think it’s a priority. In which case, the relationship might work. Fingers crossed, kiddies.

But let’s examine the bigger issues of exclusivity and commitment. Why would someone commit after a handful of dates/weeks? Is it that they’ve met someone so incredible that they can’t bear to lose them? I suppose that could happen. More likely, though, the guy was coerced into committing or committed knowing he was eventually going to leave.  It’s not really a pledge or commitment. More like an open-ended promise. “I’ll agree to stay with you for as long as this works or until I meet someone else.” Commitment, true commitment, does not include or involve takesies-backsies. Agreeing to be exclusive with someone,, while thinking in the back of your mind that you’ll just break up if things don’t work out, is not commitment.

Let’s look at this another way. If a man isn’t getting sex regularly anyway, what is he sacrificing if he agrees to wait for sex until he commits? Even bad sex is still more sex than he’s getting.  If the woman can’t manage to find any guy to commit to her, then what is she sacrificing? In both cases, nothing. So what makes the commitment sacred in any way? Call me cynical and jaded all you like…I think the shelf-life of a relationship that starts off like this or where exclusivity is decided upon within the first month is very brief. Before people come back at me with examples of how they committed to someone before they had sex or within a few weeks of dating, I want you to ask yourself one question: how long did it last? Because if it lasted a year or two, I’m sorry, that doesn’t count unless your goal is to have a series of short-lived relationships. Swearing off sex with other people and giving up your independence for a year or two isn’t an accomplishment.

I don’t know how anybody can think that, after 5 dates, you can determine whether or not you and another person are compatible in the long term. I don’t even know how people can do that after a year, what with how people are constantly evolving and changing. I understand why most women do this, though. The need to say that they have  a boyfriend overpowers them. Without a man in their life (or without male attention) their lives are empty and meaningless. That’s why you hear women say things like, “What do you know…YOU’RE SINGLE!” To them, nothing is worse then being alone. They need to have a man to refer to so they can feel confident in themselves and in their opinions.  Having a boyfriend gains them immediate access into a club to which they’ve always longed to belong. One of the membership perks is trotting her man out at weddings, parties, blog comments or on Twitter. Often times these women aren’t even all that interested in the men they bamboozle into committing to them. What they become dependent upon is the attention and the validation the relationship provides.

It’s shocking to me how so many people here underestimate the power of attention. Men are just as guilty of this. Some men have such a bottomless need for it that they’ll intentionally seek out women that are, as one male commenter lovingly called them, below their weight class, as they’ll shower them with adoration. Classy.

So…back to the original topic/question:

Would you commit to someone or pledge exclusivity before you have slept with them? Why or why not?

How long do you typically date someone before you agree to be exclusive?

Guy - Would you commit to someone before sleeping with them?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Guys - How long do you typically date someone before becoming exclusive?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Ladies - Would you commit to someone before sleeping with them?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Ladies - How long do you typically date someone before becoming exclusive?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , , , , , ,

36 Responses to “How Long Do You Wait To Commit?”

  1. mari Says:

    Commitment is a verb – it is very easy to say, harder to do. Basically, I commit to someone until I find out something that makes me feel that I no longer want to be in that commitment, and believe that guys who “commit” to me, do so until they change their mind. I never actually discuss commitment, instead I feel the commitment based on both of our behavior. And, yeah, the person in the blog exclusive after five dates – good luck or until one of them finds something out that changes their mind. When I sleep with someone, it is without any guarantees..on either of our part. Marriage doesn’t even guarantee commitment, not sure how five dates guarantees anything, except maybe maybe they are only sleeping with you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

    • Howard Says:

      Committment is a strange thing with many layers and facets. It has various meanings to many people. It’s used as currency to acheive objectives or imagined objectives.

      As I read all this, I see nothing has changed; the endless negotiation of sex for committment continues. A serious question is always present.

      How do you know he really committed? Here are some keys:

      1. The typical best answers here, revolve around him introducing you to his circle of friends, next his business associates, and better yet his family.

      2. The next best answers involve his use of time as related to you.

      3. Third best answers involve him sharing his innermost self, ie dreams, ideas, secret desires, personal almost embarrasing experiences. I suppose one could add to this list, the little personal things he does that shows he is really concerned about your welfare.

      It’s a strange order I present to you, where the first should be third on the list, and the third should be first on the list, but unfortunately the third is subject to much game. Even the second can be subject to game. The first is really hard and fast, so that tends to be a better benchmark. Would appreciate others adding to my bit. After all this board should be about trying to help women and men, not just be a sounding board for frustrations.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 3

      • Selena Says:

        I agree with your list Howard, although 1,2,3 have been more concurrent rather than linear as two people get to know each other in my experience.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Commitment is a verb
      Actually, it is a noun. Check your dictionary.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

  2. Joey Giraud Says:

    Only words. These kind of commitments are as easy to break as they are to make.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  3. LostSailor Says:

    I read the comment as pretty straightforward: “commitment to exclusivity,” meaning not dating anyone else, before she’ll consider getting frisky. It’s not the same as a long-term commitment, and frankly if getting naked together doesn’t happen fairly soon after that, then he’s likely to bail.

    There’s nothing wrong with women waiting for sex until they are comfortable. It’s part of the guy’s job to make her comfortable as soon as possible anyway. Committing to exclusivity here isn’t a real commitment. But if that’s what it takes for her to get comfortable, fine. Hopefully she’s not deluded that it’s a long-term commitment.

    But Evan makes a point that I’ve made here before, and, sadly, it’s one that a lot of women simply don’t seem to get:

    What a man wants is not necessarily to have sex on the third date, but to have some physical contact that may, someday, lead to sex. Men are like sharks that needs to keep on moving.

    As long as a man has the sense that the relationship is moving forward toward an intimate relationship, he’ll usually stick with it. Yes, he’ll be pushing for it sooner rather than later, and it’s incumbent on women to be honest about where their comfort level is going. If a guy gets the sense that the relationship has stalled or that he’s being strung along, then the exclusivity commitment is going to end rather quickly. Some guys will go out looking on the side, some guys will just end it. Without some kind of physical intimacy short of intercourse as the relationship goes along, a guy will assume he’s being played for a dancing monkey with a wallet.

    There was a similar concept years ago about building custom search for large web databases called the “scent of information.” Studies showed that if users on your website had the sense that they were on the right trail to finding what they were looking for–the scent of the information trail–they’d stick with the search; if not, they’d bail and you’d lost ‘em.

    And to answer the larger question, there are varying levels of commitment. Agreeing to date exclusively is one level, whether there’s sex going on or not, but it’s going to be tenuous before sex. Hopefully, the commitment strengthens over time into something more solid. Commitment is like cement, easy to break before it sets, and easy to break if it isn’t maintained over time and becomes brittle.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 2

    • LostSailor Says:

      As an addendum, I noted that the commenter Moxie referred to linked to her blog. She’s a divorced mom with two not-so-young kids. So I can understand that she might be trying to be more cautious about getting intimate too soon. I haven’t read the blog and don’t intend to, but it does provide some context.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • nathan Says:

        “As long as a man has the sense that the relationship is moving forward toward an intimate relationship, he’ll usually stick with it. Yes, he’ll be pushing for it sooner rather than later, and it’s incumbent on women to be honest about where their comfort level is going. If a guy gets the sense that the relationship has stalled or that he’s being strung along, then the exclusivity commitment is going to end rather quickly. ” Exactly. It’s about the perceived direction the relationship is going. Is there progression or are we spinning in circles?

        I do think there are men who are either lacking experience, or are desperate for anything that looks like a relationship, who will stick it out with a woman who isn’t likely to sleep with them. But in those cases, there are different telltale signs. Like a willingness to take whatever is offered. No or only weak attempts to escalate things sexually. And a general lack of understanding about how to navigate in relationships.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

  4. Trouble Says:

    I don’t know how anybody can think that, after 5 dates, you can determine whether or not you and another person are compatible in the long term.

    I know after 5 dates if I want to continue dating someone, and I knew after 5-6 dates with my husband that I didn’t want to date anyone else for the foreseeable future. When we had sex after 10 dates, we weren’t committing for life, we were committing to focus on building something with each other for as long as it continued to work for us (with the hope that it might eventually lead to marriage). Sex is important to me, but I could tell that we were pretty compatible after 10 dates. By the 7th or 8th date, we were coming pretty close to actual sex.

    I understand that you may view this as crazy, but when was the last time you were able to commit to an exclusive relationship?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 51 Thumb down 1

  5. mari Says:

    I didn’t read the blog either, but based on LS comments above, she can sleep with someone without ever introducing them to her not so young kids..at whomever’s home/hotel has privacy. People who date with kids should wait much much longer to introduce their date to their kids then the wait to have sex.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Commit” really has two meanings. When you mix them up, you get muddy confusion. One meaning of “commitment” is: commitment as in motivation. That’s how you feel. If you are committed to a goal, you will sacrifice something or everything in order to achieve it. Note, this commitment doens’t require any expression of the commitment. It’s personal to you. In the exclusivity context, this commitment would be manifested as the thought (again not necessarily expressed) that “I do not want to sleep with other people” or “I want to sleep with other people but will not do it because the benefits I see from foregoing sex with others outweigh the risks.” That’s actual commitment.

    What’s being discussed here is a different definition of commitment which is really just a PROMISE of exclusivity. It’s the expression of something, not the something itself. It’s words. Those words may reflect a person’s motivation at a given time, or they may not.

    What is critical is that this type of promise is unenforceable. People are used to promises having value in society because laws, which are ingrained in us socially in all aspects of our lives, enforce such promises. But, in the context of personal relationships, these promises are not enforceable. They are truly only as a good and valuable as the person making the promise and, more importantly, the predicate upon which the promise is based. For such a promise to have any value, there has to be something invested by the person making the promise. And some social consequence for breaking it.

    The issue then, I think, is that five dates is just an insufficeint predicate (i.e. not enough time) for a person to really commit – in the motivational sense. An expression of commitment under those terms has no value because there’s no real investment, or consequence. In addition, there’s the practical consideration that a person you’ve only known a short time has not earned trust so that you have reason to believe that the promise made by that person will be kept, let alone that the promise reflects his or her actual internal motivations.

    I don’t think it has anything to do with sex. It’s about earned trust, not sex.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Just to clarify my last point. In my opnion, earning trust – true trust, takes an extraordinary amount of time – more time than most people purporting to be in a relationship would ever wait to have sex, I would imagine. So, people who enter quid pro quo “commitments” before sex (or require such arrangements) are just taking comfort in a false promise to make themselves feel better. It’s literally a security blanket. Some people need that.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  7. Robyn Says:

    I think a lot of people confuse exclusivity and commitment, and (mistakenly) assume “commitment” to mean “forever”. I like to use the “car” analogy when it comes to all of this….

    There are the following options for having / using a car:
    Option #1: You can buy a car outright – it’s yours forever, no one else can drive it without your permission. If you maintain it diligently & don’t beat the car up, it will serve you well for a long time.
    Option #2: You can do a 1, 2, 3, 4 or more year lease. Doesn’t last forever, but you still have exclusive driving rights for the length of the lease. Option (but not obligation) to purchase at end of lease.
    Option #3: You can do short-term car rentals. Usually it’s max. 30 days at a time, down to a minimum of one day, but different states allow different rental lengths. Same story re: exclusive driving rights for the length of the rental period. Very sweet rental agents take care of your transaction in person.
    Option #4: Zipcar – book a rental for as little as an hour or two, at short notice, pick it up in a nearby parking lot & return it there when you’re done. All arranged via the Internet, very little human involvement in the transaction. You might end up with the same Zipcar the following weekend, but not guaranteed.
    Option #5: Borrow some one’s car – with their permission – and return it to them in the same or better condition than when they lent it to you.
    Option #6: Borrow some one’s car – without their permission – and hope you don’t get bust before you’ve managed to put it back in its regular parking place.

    This pretty much matches up to (IMHO anyway):
    #1: Marriage or long-term partnership (monogamous/exclusive)
    #2: Medium term exclusive relationship – but not “forever” (at least you didn’t start out with “forever” in mind). Could end up in marriage or long-term partnership for some, but not all.
    #3: Short-term “girlfriend/boyfriend” – not seeing anyone else (is exclusive), but not a necessarily”serious” relationship. Kinda like “a summer romance”. And sometimes it ends with the Fall, or you keep going until the next Summer….
    #4: “Casual Dating” / Posting in CraigsList M4W or W4M saying you want an LTR but secretly wanting a CraigsList Casual Encounter
    #5: Polyamory
    #6: Adultery / CraigsList Casual Encounters

    So folks, what particular Car Rental Option are you after then??!!
    Any other options to add???

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 4

  8. Selena Says:

    I don’t consider exclusivity a commitment. Exclusivity is agreeing to only date each other and see where that leads. It may lead to a commitment to be a couple/co-habitate/marriage – it may never lead to any of those things.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 5

    • M Says:

      Exclusivity is a commitment. You are committing to only going out with that one person. That right there is pretty much the definition of being a couple. Nobody ever said it had to be anything more.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  9. nathan Says:

    “Swearing off sex with other people and giving up your independence for a year or two isn’t an accomplishment.” Moxie takes a poke at 1-2 year relationships, but when I look around, it seems a lot of folks can’t manage to stick with someone for more than a few months. The freedom to f’ck whomever in the short term often trumps the willingness to stick with someone, and take the risk that it won’t last in the long run.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

  10. MrWombat Says:

    “Commitment, true commitment, does not include or involve takesies-backsies. Agreeing to be exclusive with someone,, while thinking in the back of your mind that you’ll just break up if things don’t work out, is not commitment.”

    True. But it’s pointless to say so – the option just isn’t available anymore. You need the support of family and society to make it possible.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      What option? You need the support of family and society to make what possible?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  11. VJ Says:

    Just a few points here.

    “It’s not really a pledge or commitment. More like an open-ended promise. “I’ll agree to stay with you for as long as this works or until I meet someone else.” Commitment, true commitment, does not include or involve takesies-backsies. Agreeing to be exclusive with someone,, while thinking in the back of your mind that you’ll just break up if things don’t work out, is not commitment”. Geez that describes perhaps a majority of new marriages now. People turn them in at the slightest hint of trouble or disappointment.

    And Robyn with the car analogy. This has some certain limitations as a metaphor for relationships. Going down the road, your car typically does not become ‘unhinged’ and refuse to work, or work well at any speed due to some ‘internal conflicts’ it may be having with the wider environment, especially on a perfectly sunny day. While your car can and may have it’s own personality? Once you’ve driven one, you basically know how to drive most of them. Not true for humans, mostly. The length of tenure for holding on to the car may indeed rely heavily upon how well it still works. Yet for many couples, this would and might be a disaster to consider. This typically goes beyond mere ‘sentimental reasons’ or calculations of residual ‘monetary value.

    Worse it’s very difficult to imagine or project how truly ‘compatible’ your potential spouse or LTR partner might be in the near or distant future. It’s not uncommon for long marrieds to actually become more alike upon living together (in style, body shape as well as converging personality type). That takes an awful long time of ‘attenuation’ and even mutual acculturation, but it’s almost instantly observable by others.

    So really after a few dates, no one knows much about these myriad possibilities that may or may not come to pass in the future. And believe it or not, it makes life a whole lot simpler if the communication styles and manners ‘mesh’ well and you could easily make yourself understood to the other. That alone saves a lot of trouble and argument. Hearing the wife repeat back to me one of my famous sayings is knowing that not only we’re on the same page, but understand what’s going on, and more or less agree how to approach the issue.

    The sex deal and playground is but a small part of the whole. But use it to game the encounter or relationship and you can easily risk that trust factor that’s so essential to real intimacy. If someone’s willing & able to so facilely try and game the entire sexual access here? Then perhaps the trust will never quite develop either. So yes, no matter what the ‘manuals’ say this is a dangerous and largely needless risk to try and engage in as adults. As ever, SSDD. Cheers, ‘VJ’

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  12. Angel Says:

    Moxie, do you mean you think it’s crazy to talk about seeing each other exclusively after,say, 6 dates or a month?

    I figure a guy is seeing other people until he says otherwise. I don’t ask and I don’t bring up exclusivity. I have sex when I’m comfortable, because I want to, and I want to make sure we have sexual compatibility. That might be around 6 dates. My current guy, after we started having sex, told me he was taking his profile down and wanted to date me exclusively so we could see where this goes. It was sooner than I expected, but fine with me.

    I don’t take it to mean we’re now committed forever, but that we agreed not to see other people and focus on each other. Either of us could change our mind and back out any time, but we’d owe each other to come out and say that, since we agreed to date exclusively. We go out about 4 times a week. It feels like we’re moving forward, talking about things we should talk about in order to get to know each other well and assess longer term potential. What do you think? Is it misguided to agree on exclusive dating? I’m not ready to spend every night together, but I don’t want to see other guys right now either… It would seem really weird.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

  13. Carlos Says:

    For me, it highly depends on the person. If I really enjoy being with a particular woman, I will, de facto, commit to that woman. I tried dating multiple women at once and juggling it all didn’t feel right for me.

    As far as sex goes, I just go with the flow. I think that using sex as a bargaining chip for exclusivity is stupid and that it’s better to explain where things are if/when the topic comes up so that no surprises come up later on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  14. Jack Says:

    Yes – Sex is an important part of a relationship. But this society is terribly oversexed. I mean, we are literally obsessed. No wonder generations before us would marry at 24 and stay married till the grave.

    Now we say things like “it’s a huge risk to commit to someone when you don’t know about the sex”. It’s nice if the sex is great, but I think there should be a lot more there to keep the two people together. The idea that bad sex has led to a lot of divorces is sick. It’s a sign that people are getting married without being ready for it.

    For me, commitment has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with the person. It is possible (but unlikely) for me to see relationship potential in someone I had sex with on the first date – And it is also very possible for me to avoid getting in a relationship with someone who is strategically keeping me waiting. More and more men are able to sniff out whether the girl is just putting up a goody two shoes act.

    Remember – It’s ridiculous to keep a guy waiting when you know your history is full of different guys having sex with you without having to commit. At some point the guy will realize this and resent you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      It’s a sign that people are getting married without being ready for it.

      Most people aren’t ready for it. The level of devotion, sacrifice and commitment required to maintain a marriage, let alone a happy one, is more than the average person is capable of. That’s why so many marriages fail or devolve into roommate-type situations. Many couples can be excellent co-parents to their children, but their partnership/romantic relationship dissolves.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      • Jack Says:

        You’re right. And the fact that the average person isn’t capable of this level of devotion is a bit sad in my opinion.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

        • LostSailor Says:

          I think that the average person is capable, but our society and culture these days encourages people to ignore that capability in favor of things like “personal growth,” the EPL syndrome.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • LostSailor Says:

      The idea that bad sex has led to a lot of divorces is sick.

      Not to mention wrong. In a marriage, bad sex or no sex is a symptom of other underlying problems. There are plenty of marriages that last to the end without a lot of sex. But lack of sex, while often cited as a problem, is masking some other issue.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1

  15. Kristen Says:

    I have trouble decoupling sex from my emotions, so that’s why I try to put off sex for a little while. I don’t think I’m trying to game someone into commitment. I would honestly get my feelings hurt if I knew someone was having sex with multiple women including me. I also know that it’s not reasonable to expect a man to not have sex while I am not ready, so a little bit of ignorance on my part is necessary.

    I think what Evan says about not making men feel like creeps because they are making a move is very important, but also knowing your own boundaries and expressing them in a respectful way is, too.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

  16. Mary Says:

    I think sex too soon is one of the main reasons why women have difficulty getting into long term relationships. They have this idea that men will walk if they don’t give it up. If you make sex a bargaining chip or specify that you will give it up if a man commits to you then yes, he will probably leave after he gets what he wants (especially if that’s all he wanted to begin with). If you take time to get to know each other (IMO, at least 2 months) then you will probably have a better chance at a long term relationship if sex isn’t involved. Men don’t often commit to women that they aren’t bonded with emotionally (at least not long term), and a man won’t be bonded with you emotionally if you are banging him on date 3.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      and a man won’t be bonded with you emotionally if you are banging him on date 3

      Based on what data or evidence? Are there tests or studies out there that have in some way proven this theory? I’m genuinely not trying to be combative, but this sounds like one of those myths that women like to tell each other during Girl’s Night at The Golden Banana.

      I have a theory, too. It’s that men don’t fully emotionally bond with women until they’ve had sex.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 6

      • myself Says:

        Dunno. Slept with my friend on our second date, 5 months later we’re still together and exclusive. (well, have been pretty much since the beginning, both not being huge daters for the most part) Doesn’t seem to have affected how close we’ve gotten at all, if dare say probably even strengthened it. Yeah, we weren’t complete strangers at the time, but still… And I’d say at this point we have a pretty strong bond mostly based on non sexual aspects of our personalities and relationships….

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

    • Carlos Nunez Says:

      I think that it’s unsafe to set expectations on when one knows the other “enough” based on a length of time. It’s very possible to hit it off with someone right away. It’s also possible to know someone for years and develop zero chemistry with that person.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  17. Melissa Says:

    I like this article a lot – very relevant, and intriguing.

    The female population varies greatly on this subject – some find it has to do with power and respect, others find it has more to do with personal values and principles, while still others base it on religious beliefs.

    Committing before sex is tricky – as you said, “Basically, it’s an impulse purchase.” However, after 5 dates, don’t we at least have an idea of whether or not this person is worth moving forward with? Many of our members say they know after the 2nd date (which, of course, depends on a few factors – the nature of the dates, the ages of the people involved, how they met, etc.).

    My point is – there is a broad spectrum between sleeping with someone on the first date, and waiting for a full-on commitment. A series of one-night stands may lead to feelings of emptiness and a lack of fulfillment, while setting strict standards and unyielding timelines is a bit inorganic and can lead to disappointment.

    So….where is the middle ground?

    Perhaps it’s just a matter of finding someone who you genuinely like, enjoy being around, and sense a mutual respect. Letting your natural feelings be exposed, while still maintaining a sense of reality. It’s all about balance, no?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

  18. M Says:

    I’ve never been in a relationship where we had sex prior to agreeing to become exclusive (which is a commitment, BTW). It really is true that what it takes if a feeling things are moving forward. If I get to know the girl, and I see that we have what it takes, I go for it. The way I see it, if the girl is worth being with, then Im not really giving anything up by agreeing not to go out with others because at that point, I really wouldnt even want to.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  19. daisy Says:

    I’m not sure why 1-2 year relationships are discarded as “not serious”. It’s really hard to put up with anyone for one-two months, let alone 1-2 years. The idea of a relationship that will continue until one or the other of you dies is a pretty myth that some do get to experience, but simply not reality for most people.

    (I know that only marginally has to do with the topic, but I felt compelled to comment because I haven’t in awhile and wanted to say hello!)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  20. Crotch Rocket Says:

    The woman was claiming victory because she and her guy have been dating 6 whole weeks and they agreed to be exclusive after date 5. Also making her proud was that she laid down the law about how she wouldn’t have sex until they were exclusive. And he agreed.
    Of course he agreed. Most guys would. Some guys would even mean it.

    Now, I can’t think of a bigger recipe for disaster than this. Basically, it’s an impulse purchase. In the moment it’s what they want.
    Not necessarily. The guy may not want exclusivity at all, but if she says he has to tell her he’s exclusive before she’ll have sex with him, then that’s what he’ll say.

    Then they get it home and try it on and it doesn’t quite fit or work properly.
    Exactly, and that’s the main problem. Sure, I’ll be exclusive with you–until I don’t want to be anymore. If the sex is bad, that may mean only until I find someone else to have sex with. So, the statement is meaningless; it allows the woman to delude herself that they have a relationship, and sex is socially acceptable, without actually changing anything.

    My question would be…why? Why is this person so quick to make the sacrifices that commitment requires?
    What sacrifices? Saying no–and therefore not getting laid–would be the true sacrifice, one that few guys will actually make. Saying we’re committed is no sacrifice at all.

    You, like most women, are falling into the trap of thinking that what a man says has any bearing on what the man does–or that he isn’t free to change his mind at any time in the future, as a woman is.

    Since sex and sexual issues are one of – if not the – leading causes for break-ups/divorce, it’s kind of a big deal.
    “Disagreements about sex” is cited as the cause of roughly 50% of divorces, so yeah, it’s a big deal.

    Why would someone commit after a handful of dates/weeks? Is it that they’ve met someone so incredible that they can’t bear to lose them? I suppose that could happen.
    If the guy is the one to bring it up and they’ve already had sex, that’s actually the most likely explanation. It doesn’t take us all that long to realize when a woman is a keeper–and want to make sure some other guy doesn’t snatch her away from us.

    More likely, though, the guy was coerced into committing or committed knowing he was eventually going to leave.
    Actually, if he was coerced into it (and that includes making sex conditional on commitment), that could well be the thing that makes him leave. No guy wants to be so overtly manipulated–especially by a woman who has proven herself to be an idiot, because that means we’re an even bigger idiot.
    Swearing off sex with other people and giving up your independence for a year or two isn’t an accomplishment.
    Actually, relationships lasting a year or two would be an accomplishment for many women. Just look at all these bloggers you talk about; many of them crash and burn after 1-3 months, time after time. And I know plenty of women like that IRL, too. It gives me the sads.

    I don’t know how anybody can think that, after 5 dates, you can determine whether or not you and another person are compatible in the long term.
    I think it’s more a statement that you see the potential and want to focus on finding out if that potential will be realized. It’s not like you’re marrying them, after all.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  21. Tiffany Says:

    Why not just let it be what it is? Its okay to discuss feelings and such, but it is what it is. Right? Label or no label. If he won’t discuss feelings with you, then it is what it is….its bunk. If you can trust him when he says that he is only being with you then it is what it is…..relationships are all based on communication, trust, and honesty. Without any of those things there wouldn’t be a relationship really. Sure you can go get a peice of a$$ on a regular basis….but that’s all it is if you can’t talk and discuss things to make sure your on the same page. It is what it is! Just let it happen! Also, realize that if your bangin a guy and you have this overwhelming urge to say those three words and you don’t know the guy like the back of your hand, then its probably the hormone called Oxytocine pushing your thoughts in that direction….pretty much your high as a kite on this hormone and you have to differentiate between real love and infatuation before you ask for ANY kind of talk about feelings. Women tend to say I love you, falsely, because they don’t know the difference. I’m babbling. It is what it freaking is!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved