Name: Bad Habits
Question: Ok so i met this guy outside of my work. Well he’s in the painting business and as soon as i met him and got his number he left for Detroit for family and work. Well we texted everyday talked on the phone every night. It went on for 2 Weeks straight. We got to know each other rather quickly. I understood he is eight years older than me but i liked his personality alot and understood his past. He started calling me baby and babe. Telling me how much he can’t wait till he comes home to my arms. Then one day after texting him good morning, never heard from him all day. He finally texted me saying been working all day call you later. Ok got it.. Well nothing at all that night or the next day or the next day. I don’t understand this? He just up and stopped talking to me, makes no sense what so ever. Yea well i broke down and tried calling him, no answer, texted him nothing. I’ve had this happen to me before and i still don’t understand it? I mean if you met someone, awesome! But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave. I don’t understand why this keeps happening? Is it me? Or is it them? Need help!!
Well, let me ask you this. What is it that you want from these guys? Here’s a guy who is not only 8 years older than you (at 22 that’s a big age difference) but he moved hundreds of miles away for a job. It’s not clear how long you had known him before he moved or what transpired or whether he’s coming back.
We got to know each other rather quickly.
No. You didn’t. You might have gotten an idea of who this man is, but you did not get to know this person via phone and text over the course of a few weeks. He showed you the person he wanted you to see. That’s it. And now you’ve seen another side of him. The side that doesn’t care if his behavior hurts your feelings. Still like him? Oh wait. You do.
You’re romanticizing this relationship. My guess is this isn’t the first time, either. That’s part of the problem. You’re assuming that things mean as much to him as they do to you. You develop expectations of these men because you have told yourself that you and he have some sort of special connection because you managed to have a conversation every night for 2 weeks. That’s not a great connection. That just means you’ve been able – for all of two weeks – to hold this guy’s attention for a consistent series of minutes. That’s it. And to prove to you that this connection is not real, I present Exhibit A: he blew you off. Now, if you and he truly got to know each other and developed a genuine level of intimacy or connection, do you think he’d be ignoring your calls and texts? Does that make sense to you? It shouldn’t. If you find yourself believing his transparent excuses, you need to stop and ask yourself if his behavior matches up to his words.
This is reminiscent of last week’s post about Red Flags. If the man in that story was truly the woman’s friend, he wouldn’t have lied to her. We like to insist that we really did mean something to someone, even though they may have profoundly hurt or embarrassed us, because the truth is just too hard to admit. We meant very little to them. We were a distraction. That’s it.
But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave.
That should tell you that you never meant anything to them in the first place. If this keeps happening, then that should make you aware of the fact that people can tell you exactly what you want to hear for as long as it benefits them and then dump you. This is what you need to realize so that you don’t continue to invest time or emotion in men like this.
The trick is to not get invested in this kind of attention. I’m betting that’s the draw for you, whether you realize it or not. You like the idea of having some guy out there thinking of you and talking to you. Hon, he’s nobody. He’s nothing. He’s a voice on the other end of the line. He provides you with nothing but words. You can get that anywhere, anytime. Start thinking of these men as replaceable as they consider you until they give you genuine reason for you to give them more consideration. They should never be more than options to you before that. That doesn’t mean you should be rude, thoughtless or insensitive. What I’m suggesting is that you learn how to become more detached in the beginning of these situations. Bottom line? These guys don’t care about you and possibly don’t even like or are attracted to you. You are nothing but a source of attention for them. Guys can and will engage a woman simply because they like the ego stroke.
Last week someone commented that I have a bad habit of raining on the parade of women who are holding out for a happy ending. No. What I try to do here is prevent women from deluding themselves and listening to their equally deluded girlfriends so as to prevent them from humiliating themselves.
There is no happy ending here. Just like there was no happy ending for the woman in this post. And whether or not some people agree, sometimes things are very black and white and sometimes it’s incredibly easy to predict the outcome of certain situations without meeting someone. People like to believe in the whole “gray area theory” because they want that non-existent happy ending. 9 times out of 10, there is no gray area. The writing is on the wall. The only ones who can’t see it are the people whose egos are in the way. They have to be right. They can not admit that they misread a situation or gave too much to someone who didn’t deserve it. Many times it’s not even about getting the guy/girl. It’s about winning. There is no winning in situations like this. None. These people end up sacrificing great amounts of their self-esteem/respect just so they can say they “caught’ someone or they taught someone a lesson.
Let me tell you this. Self-esteem and self-respect is very easy to give up, but it’s incredibly difficult to get back. Consider that the next time you feel some overwhelming need to “win.”