How To Know When You’re Just An Option

Name: Bad Habits
Age: 22
State: Florida
Question: Ok so i met this guy outside of my work. Well he’s in the painting business and as soon as i met him and got his number he left for Detroit for family and work. Well we texted everyday talked on the phone every night. It went on for 2 Weeks straight. We got to know each other rather quickly. I understood he is eight years older than me but i liked his personality alot and understood his past. He started calling me baby and babe. Telling me how much he can’t wait till he comes home to my arms. Then one day after texting him good morning, never heard from him all day. He finally texted me saying been working all day call you later. Ok got it.. Well nothing at all that night or the next day or the next day. I don’t understand this? He just up and stopped talking to me, makes no sense what so ever. Yea well i broke down and tried calling him, no answer, texted him nothing. I’ve had this happen to me before and i still don’t understand it? I mean if you met someone, awesome! But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave. I don’t understand why this keeps happening? Is it me? Or is it them? Need help!!

 

Well, let me ask you this. What is it that you want from these guys? Here’s a guy who is not only 8 years older than you (at 22 that’s a big age difference) but he moved hundreds of miles away for a job. It’s not clear how long you had known him before he moved or what transpired or whether he’s coming back.

We got to know each other rather quickly.

No. You didn’t. You might have gotten an idea of who this man is, but you did not get to know this person via phone and text over the course of a few weeks. He showed you the person he wanted you to see. That’s it. And now you’ve seen another side of him. The side that doesn’t care if his behavior hurts your feelings. Still like him? Oh wait. You do.

You’re romanticizing this relationship. My guess is this isn’t the first time, either. That’s part of the problem. You’re assuming that things mean as much to him as they do to you. You develop expectations of these men because you have told yourself that you and he have some sort of special connection because you managed to have a conversation every night for 2 weeks. That’s not a great connection. That just means you’ve been able – for all of two weeks – to hold this guy’s attention for a consistent series of minutes. That’s it. And to prove to you that this connection is not real, I present Exhibit A: he blew you off. Now, if you and he truly got to know each other and developed a genuine level of intimacy or connection, do you think he’d be ignoring your calls and texts? Does that make sense to you? It shouldn’t. If you find yourself believing his transparent excuses, you need to stop and ask yourself if his behavior matches up to his words.

This is reminiscent of last week’s post about Red Flags. If the man in that story was truly the woman’s friend, he wouldn’t have lied to her. We like to insist that we really did mean something to someone, even though they may have profoundly hurt or embarrassed us, because the truth is just too hard to admit. We meant very little to them. We were a distraction. That’s it.

But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave.

That should tell you that you never meant anything to them in the first place. If this keeps happening, then that should make you aware of the fact that people can tell you exactly what you want to hear for as long as it benefits them and then dump you. This is what you need to realize so that you don’t continue to invest time or emotion in men like this.

The trick is to not get invested in this kind of attention. I’m betting that’s the draw for you, whether you realize it or not. You like the idea of having some guy out there thinking of you and talking to you. Hon, he’s nobody. He’s nothing. He’s a voice on the other end of the line. He provides you with nothing but words. You can get that anywhere, anytime. Start thinking of these men as replaceable as they consider you until they give you genuine reason for you to give them more consideration. They should never be more than options to you before that. That doesn’t mean you should be rude, thoughtless or insensitive. What I’m suggesting is that you learn how to become more detached in the beginning of these situations. Bottom line? These guys don’t care about you and possibly don’t even like or are attracted to you. You are nothing but a source of attention for them. Guys can and will engage a woman simply because they like the ego stroke.

Last week someone commented that I have a bad habit of raining on the parade of women who are holding out for a happy ending. No. What I try to do here is prevent women from deluding themselves and listening to their equally deluded girlfriends so as to prevent them from humiliating themselves.

There is no happy ending here. Just like there was no happy ending for the woman in this post. And whether or not some people agree, sometimes things are very black and white and sometimes it’s incredibly easy to predict the outcome of certain situations without meeting someone. People like to believe in the whole “gray area theory” because they want that non-existent happy ending. 9 times out of 10, there is no gray area. The writing is on the wall. The only ones who can’t see it are the people whose egos are in the way.  They have to be right. They can not admit that they misread a situation or gave too much to someone who didn’t deserve it. Many times it’s not even about getting the guy/girl. It’s about winning. There is no winning in situations like this. None. These people end up sacrificing great amounts of their self-esteem/respect just so they can say they “caught’ someone or they taught someone a lesson.

Let me tell you this. Self-esteem and self-respect is very easy to give up, but it’s incredibly difficult to get back. Consider that the next time you feel some overwhelming need to “win.”

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36 Responses to “How To Know When You’re Just An Option”

  1. Adrienne Says:

    I’m not sure if I’m following this story. Did she actually date him, or she just gave him her number after meeting one time? And, after the exchange of numbers, he moved from Florida to Michigan? Am I missing something here?

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    • Kim Says:

      Wow, I REALLY needed to read this today. I just got dumped today by a man who I thought had a connection with me. You are so right Moxie! I was just a distraction. This is something that is happening to me a lot lately, and I spent all afternoon getting down on myself thinking I did or said something wrong. The fact is, I did nothing wrong other than to actually expect that these guys meant what they said. Your post reminded me that when I was younger, I never took guys like this seriously until they gave me real reason to. I guess I kind of forgot about that after years of being in a relationship.

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    • Howard Says:

      I am so tired of hearing about the person pulling the fade being the villian. I don’t care if it’s a man or woman. People are entitled to change their minds. In this situation, they never even dated. So what is she so upset about?

      Let me tell you how these things work. The person pulling the fade met someone else, end of story. And it especially happens in these types of situations where someone is in another town far away, never dated you, held your hand, or kissed you.

      We don’t know what happened in the other bad encounter situations that the OP had. I can only imagine these were situations where no committment was present. By committment, I don’t mean what people say. It’s more about what they do. It’s about people sharing their inner self, and be careful here, you can be gamed. It’s about people spending time with you where they are truly ecstatic to be in your company. It about people doing thoughtful things for you. It’s about people having you meet their peeps, friends, business associates and family.

      One should only start getting his or her head going in the direction that the OP had her head going, when the person one is dating demonstrates these things. Even then, there is no guarantee. The only guarantee is the way we handle our expectations. .

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      • kristin lee Says:

        Thing is though Howard….

        “It’s about people sharing their inner self, and be careful here, you can be gamed. It’s about people spending time with you where they are truly ecstatic to be in your company. It about people doing thoughtful things for you. It’s about people having you meet their peeps, friends, business associates and family.”

        Sometimes guys do ALL this too and still pull a vanishing act. Who’s harder to understand, men or women? No contest. MEN

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  2. LostSailor Says:

    I agree that had a relationship with painter-boy OP only in her head and that she was overly invested with someone she’d only met once, never dated, and who became a long-distance electronic pen pal. But I think she was complaining more about the fade. Of course, there’s not a lot to go on here. The OP doesn’t say whether all the guys she’s complaining about are one’s that she’s only had these texting and chatting “relationships” with or if it’s also happening with guys she’s actually dating.

    If the former, then she clearly has a problem with getting overly invested in a non-existent relationship and, as Moxie notes, she needs to develop a bit more detachment until an actual relationship develops. If the latter, well, some guys just find the fade easier. Women do it, too. But the OP might want to think about her behavior that might be triggering the fade rather than a more direct and concrete ending. If a guy gets the impression that a woman is clingy or prone to drama–or overly invested after a few dates–then the fade is much more likely, since the guy rightly understands that a “sorry, just not feeling a connection” text or conversation is going to result in an unpleasant scene.

    Since I don’t believe in endless texting or evenings on the phone without meeting in person, I haven’t been in that situation before. If I can’t arrange a meeting fairly soon, I usually send a text along the lines of “oh, well, maybe some other time.” But in cases where after a number of dates it’s just not happening, I’ve done both a message and the fade. The message is for women who I clearly sense will agree that it just ain’t happening; but where I get the distinct impression that she’s more invested than I am, half the time it’s the fade. Sorry ladies. If we’ve been seeing each other for a while and have slept together, I try to break it off in person, though I’ve done an email once where I knew there would be a huge scene. Scenes are better handled electronically.

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    • Marshmallow Says:

      <>

      I’ve heard a lot of guys say this and honestly think it is just an excuse to act like a coward. Maybe you should have thought about this before you started sleeping with a crazy woman.

      Back to the OP: Like Moxie said, it’s easy to be taken in by a faux relationship when you don’t have anything else going on. The big problem is, they hold you back from looking for and finding something real. Maybe you don’t want one and this is a way for you to say to yourself – and to others – that you are involved with someone without having to do all the work.

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      • LostSailor Says:

        It’s not cowardice to refrain from whacking a hornets nest with a stick. Maybe crazy woman should have thought about it before acting all crazy…

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        • kristin lee Says:

          And just how was she “crazy?” You guys throw that word around at the drop of a hat. A girl gets a little bummed out because a guy she THOUGHT she had a connection with blew her off. That’s not crazy, she’s just asking the question so she can better understand guys. CRAZY is stalking, bashing in headlights, calling/texting 24/7, screamimg, yelling etc, but not posting a simple question on a forum, get over yourself dude.

          I was recently (and very briefly) involved with a guy who had a habit of saying “lets get together soon” but NEVER made attempts to see me, he was playing head games. I politely told him I didn’t think we were on the same page, told him “no big deal” and even added a smiley face but as you would guess, he flipped out on me calling me “crazy”. Hmm, I was the mellow one, didn’t yell or say anything insulting yet he responds to me with a verbally ABUSIVE text message. You guys are the psychos…sorry! Stop calling every girl “crazy” because she gets a little annoyed with your goofy behavior.

          Besides, if there was a girl you were really into and she blew you off, you’d be wondering what happened too.

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  3. cee Says:

    I needed this slap in the face. Been mulling over a similar, recent situation in my mind.

    long story short:
    I met a guy recently through my dad at this event my parents’ organization throws annually. He was tall, gorgeous, and fresh out of med school and has a working relationship with my dad (shadowed my dad at his practice.)

    We talked for a while at the event and asked me for my number. We texted and spoke for a week in a half getting to know each other and then he dropped off the face of the earth . Stopped texting/calling and would take hours to reply my texts – if at all. This was in May.

    I saw him at a cookout last weekend and he came over to talk to me for some time and told me that he was so happy to see me and that he’s going to definitely call me soon. That was this past Saturday and still I’ve not received a call. If I employ my rational brain, I really shouldn’t be surprised but somehow I got my hopes up that something may have come out of this recent interaction. But he’s simply not that into me and my ego must accept it.

    It’s hard when you meet someone who essentially fulfills all the qualities you look for in a mate and the only thing stopping you from being together is their personal agency, bummer!

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      There’s a difference between “The Fade”‘ and “The Disappear.” “The Fade” is actually a fairly compassionate way to end a relationship. It involves reducing the amount of time and attention you give the other person, over time, until the relationship just ends naturally without a big fuss. Often the fade is mutual and unintentional. Most people have lives other than one person they are dating (including dating other people) and sometimes the other lives take over. I like the fade. Usually, after a fade, I maintain a decent relationship with the person.

      Disappearing is a little different. I don’t make moral judgments about “ways to leave your lover.” There are precisely fifty (50) ways to do so, as I am told. So, you pick one. To me, if you really want to end things, I would endorse any method that accomplishes the goal – at least here on the Internet. The problem is that people who have imagined relationships or don’t want things to end will find fault in whatever methodology you chose. They will hurl insults, call you names and cast ill-founded moral judgments at you Sometimes that requires cutting off completely. That’s why you use the Guillotine. Another word for cowardice is self-preservation.

      I am intrigued, however, by the people who fall in love with someone’s persona. Really, he’s tall, gorgeous and a doctor so he, therefore fulfills “all the qualities” you look for in a mate? Rather superficial and impulsive, I think. If your mate selection is based entirely on superficial qualities – you have to realize that there are more than ten dozen women who are just like you, who will fall in love quickly over the same superfiical, easily-ascertainable qualities. Therefore, that guy has the pick of the litter – for no real substantive reason. Perhaps he will even pick the entire litter, one at a time, you included. It’s really easy to spend capital you haven’t earned. (Ok, I will concede that med school could be an accomplishment). I would ask myself honestly why those superfiical qualities are important to me. And, when you figure that out, my advice would be to stop trying to compete and impress other women and select a mate based on substantive qualities that take some time and effort to uncover.

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  4. The D-man Says:

    The trick is to not get invested in this kind of attention. I’m betting that’s the draw for you, whether you realize it or not.

    Exactly this. I don’t think Moxie is saying you have to go around thinking pessimistically. Just that you need to get a grip on your own emotional tendencies and how to manage them in the context of the facts at hand. Therapy is good for this.

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    • Amy Says:

      The interesting thing, to me, is how men (sometimes) react when you don’t buy their BS. I met a guy at speed-dating, and we went out a week later. The date was wonderful — fairy-tale stuff — but throughout the night, he was laying it on thick. It became clear he wouldn’t mind having sex, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that in actual moving-along-dating situations (if I wanted to just have sex, there are men I can call for that). Anyhow, within two days he contacted me to set up a second date… which he canceled the afternoon of the set date, saying he had to fly to DC on business. Haven’t heard from him since.

      Now… the things he was saying to me on the fairy-tale date? I can see someone taking those things and building an entire future out of them (things like he didn’t contact anyone else from speed-dating, that he wanted to take me to London next time he went — he’d just moved to NYC from London — and other effusive things). If I were younger and less experienced, I’d be wondering what happened. At almost-40, though, I chalk it up to him trying to see how far his words and money would take him, and when he realized it wasn’t getting him anywhere (or at least not quickly enough), he bailed.

      The issue I’d like to see covered here are the things normal, respectful men do in first-, second-, and third-date situations. I know enough to know what dysfunction and chaos and run-away-now look like, but it’s less clear what healthy men do in the beginning of a relationship.

      As for the woman’s perspective, anything over-the-top and too-flattering always strikes me as too good to be true (and it always has been). It’s like how guys who treat you well and respectfully rarely, if ever, say things like “I’m never going to hurt you” or “I’m going to treat you better than anyone ever has” — the “good” guys just do those things, no announcements required.

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      • The D-man Says:

        One guy’s opinion. I like to think I’m one of the good guys you describe but I don’t know how I can possibly prove that.

        I don’t really push for sex on the first, second or even third date, but if I’m having a good time and want it to continue, I will invite her back to my place.

        That said, I’m past the notch counting stage, so I won’t try to have sex if I don’t think there’s any relationship potential (which can include FWB if she’s open to that).

        I have turned down the opportunity for sex multiple times when it was clear that a) she was looking for a boyfriend and b) I didn’t think I was likely to be that guy.

        And yeah, I don’t make promises about how I’m going to treat someone. I just try to be my best self and hope that’s what she’s looking for. Most women seem to like it, but one girl I dated a while back had to point out to me that she wanted me to open the car door for her. Didn’t stop us from dating regularly for a while. In fact that would likely have become a LTR except I broke it off because I was still looking to play the field.

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        • ryork Says:

          I just wish more guys would be honest, and then women would not have to figure out why he has not called. Also people should not assume they know why someone is single, you were not in the relationship, they were, the answers lie with the couple involved.

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      • The D-man Says:

        Oh and I was just reminded of an ex-GF who’s been calling me lately to complain about the guys she’s been seeing. The last two are head cases like you describe. One moment they claim they’re going to treat her like a princess and travel the world, the next they tell her to fuck off. Then they blow up her phone with 10 apologetic text messages, then get pissed if she doesn’t respond within an hour.

        At least, that’s her side of the story. She never acted crazy with me, but she doesn’t completely have her shit together either.

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      • Angel Says:

        Yeah, like the D-man says, a guy who likes you and sees you as possible relationship potential might, say, invite you in to his place at the end of the night if you had a great 2nd or 3rd date and some kissing, but if you decline, he won’t be pushy about it… And he will ask you out again. He’ll ask you on dates with some advance notice and commit to a time and stick to it. He’ll keep making an effort to see you, and follow through. You should have the sense that he’s being himself and not have that “too good to be true” intuition. He will not go radio silent on you or take forever to reply to your email or text. He will seem interested in getting to know you. He might say things he thinks will impress you, or let you know he’s a good guy, but he won’t make bogus statements or promises that just don’t make sense at such an early stage. And really, it’s true what people say, you won’t really wonder whether he likes you, he will let you know.

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  5. MrWombat Says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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    • India Says:

      Dysfunctional people attract one another. You attract what you are. In my experience , men who are constantly whining about “pscyhos” and “clingers” tent to be unstable themselves.

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  6. Adrienne Says:

    I’d like to recant an “opposite of fade” story which Moxie, I believe, would be able to write a blog about:

    I joined OKCupid for the first time about 10 days ago, and this morning I received a message from someone. I looked at his profile, we seemed to have a lot in common (in the OKCupid world) and I answered. We had a nice chat back and forth for a few hours, and then he asked for my number. He called about an hour later. After a few minutes of chatting, he asked if he could meet me. I gave him my availability, and we made a date for next week.

    In the course of less than 14 hours, he has called three times. He is COMPLETELY over the top – “Can’t wait until you come to my apartment to see my view,” “Once I cook my pork pasta for you, you’ll be hooked!” “Can’t wait for you to have breakfast on my gorgeous terrace!”, talking to me like he’s known me forever, and he’s also coming across as, I hate to say it, desperate.

    He has also: shown my profile to 22 (yes, 22) of his co-workers to get their “take;” asked me via email what my last relationship was like, and then answered with a sad story of his own and THEN called his sister so she could give him advice on what my answer meant; has lamented the fact that he’s 42 with no kids, and what a shame it is, etc.

    Now, he just emailed me to ask if I was on Facebook. I get that he wants to meet someone and he says he’s so “enamored” by me or whatever the word is that he used (I think it might have been “stuck on you”) but it’s making me a little nervous that he is so…effusive? The title of his email was “Wow!!!! I have a big date set for next week,” if that gives more of a clue.

    Am I overreacting?

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Question:

      How are you reacting to his over the topness? Because I find it odd that this guy would continue to go on like this unless he believed you were into it. You didn’t mention anything about him asking why you hadn’t replied to a text, etc. So you must be indulging his cloying behavior. If it were me, I’d have cut him off after the second phone call, not answered any messages, etc. or just told him it wasn’t a good fit. If he doesn’t realize that his behavior is unattractive, that’s on him.

      You know you’re not overreacting. If anything you’re weirdly proud of this guy’s behavior. So much so that you invented a reason (“the opposite of fade”) to tell this story.

      Do the merciful thing and cut things off now. Don’t allow this guy to humiliate himself further. That’s just cruel.

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      • Adrienne Says:

        This has been only going on since this morning, so I don’t think I’m indulging his behavior at all. The first call was normal, the second call later in the afternoon was to ask about my response to his, “What was your last relationship like?” and the third call this evening was when he amped it up with the “wait until you come here!” quotations.

        I also don’t think I’m “weirdly proud” of his behavior, either. I don’t even know what that means, to be honest. I’m newly out of a relationship and also new to online dating, and I respect the opinions of the people on this board, so I thought I’d get some feedback. Perhaps I should have directed this to “submit a dating question” instead of piggybacking onto another topic.

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        • Adrienne Says:

          And yes, I do agree that I should cut it off, not to avoid being cruel, which I’m not, but because he’s coming off way too strongly for someone who doesn’t even know me.

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          • Selena Says:

            How about telling him he’s coming off way too strongly for someone who doesn’t even know you? A bit of constructive criticism might be helpful to this fellow. I imagine he’s scared off many women with these “instant relationship” tactics. He needs to SLOW DOWN.

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            • K Says:

              Nah, I’d just stop responding or picking up the calls. A guy this oblivious to social norms is going to be a disaster throughout the dating process. This is over the top wacky (not to mention talking about dinner and breakfast sends a creepy / inappropriate vibe).

              That said, it doesn’t merit a blog post, advice letter, etc… It’s just one of those things – a guy you encounter online acts like a weirdo, you stop engaging him, end of story.

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              • Chris Says:

                I agree with K…Just stop responding. I dated a guy who after a month started telling me how I hold his heart in my hands and already had a pet nickname for me. When I told him he is moving way to fast he got extremely angry and told me I was a cold hearted bitch. That ended that. My most recent second date with someone off of Match ended that night when he started asking me to come his house to help him deocorate it and what names do I have picked out for kids. I thanked him for dinner and bid my goodnight. Desperate men or women are major red flags and should be avoided unless you are just as desperate

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                • offensivedan Says:

                  Yeah, this broad, Adrienne, is enjoying the attention she is receiving; o/w she would have cut it off and not had the need to write this post. Moxie’s right. Cut it off and stop allowing this guy to humiliate himself. By maintaining contact, you are adding fuel to the fire. Both of you guys are doing it to each other and none are innocent. Just stop responding and don’t worry about being nice. Remember the saying “Cruel to be kind.” That’s what you are doing.

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                  • Adrienne Says:

                    As I mentioned earlier, this whole encounter was less than a day, and it escalated as the day went on, culminating in the “amped up” call last night. I completely agree with what everyone has said – I do intend to cut it off – but I disagree that I was enjoying the attention, as it came across as creepy, especially towards the end of the night. I don’t think anyone would enjoy that kind of attention, really.

                    If I had let this carry on for more than a day, then you would have had a valid point that I was attention-seeking. But, I’m not.

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                    • nathan Says:

                      Tell him to slow down, and if his response is more of the same, or overly dramatic – cut him off completely. That’s one of the pluses of online dating – you can drop someone before meeting them if their behavior is problematic. People seem to over think this stuff too often. Give one chance to shift the behavior, then move on.

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          • wishing u well Says:

            People like this tend to not go away that easily sometimes. They see ignoring them as a personal challenge. You may just want to give him the old “I don’t see enough of a connection for us to meet, good luck in your search” message on OK Cupid and block him on everything in life. Their lack of self control is not your problem.

            I had a similiar situation happen to me via online dating earlier in the year. Brief exchange with a guy, exchanged phone numbers, had 1 phone call on a Sunday night. We ended up talking for an hour and set up the meet & greet. Cool. The next day – he starts texting me non stop, beginning at 6:30AM. Even though I ignored all of the messages – he just kept sending me more. At least 5 texts before lunchtime, all mini-emails. I waited a day and then cancelled the meet & greet. Should I have been surprised? In retrospect, not so much….in the phone call he told a story that let me know that he’s used to heavy, constant contact with his girlfriends.

            The guy kept calling and texting to attempt to reschedule the meet & greet. After I saw that he wasn’t going to stop – I told him that I was “busy due to projects at work” and “would not be dating in the forseeable future.” By no means do you make it about them….not unless you want a serious firestorm.

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        • LostSailor Says:

          He doesn’t need to slow down, he needs to go away and get a clue. You are absolutely right to be nervous. You’d be even more right to be alarmed.

          In less than 24 hours, he’s called three times, asked nearly two dozen co-workers and his sister about you and your responses, and has seemingly planned out your future lives together, including kids and who knows, perhaps even your retirement home.

          This guy is beyond desperate, he’s amazingly insecure and desperate, a dangerous combo. Moxie’s right, cut it off before he gets further down the primrose path in his own head. If you’re feeling kind, you’d do him a favor to tell him that he came on far too strong and it rightly freaked you out. But whatever you do, be insistent that he not contact you again. Block him on OKC and on your phone if necessary, because I’ll bet he won’t take it well and will continue to contact you for a “second chance.” Don’t go there.

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          • Selena Says:

            Having had a similar situation almost 20 years ago, thought the guy was waaay to into planning considered we just met, got nervous, and became totally unreachable in the hopes he would give up – I get the “he needs to go away and get a clue”. Completely. That’s what I did.

            But was it helpful to someone like that? Did he get the clue? There was no reason for me to think he was a psycho killer. He might have been just a nice (and lonely?) guy who thought he was showing interest and didn’t realize he was over-the-top.

            I was fairly young myself then. Now that I’m older? I wonder how are people to get a clue, if no one feels secure enough to give them one? Now middle aged, I see insecurity-in others, and my own- much clearer than I did when I was younger. And I am much more able to say, with a laugh “Hey, slow down a little bit here!”

            How are you to get a clue if no one ever bothers to clue you in?

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            • LostSailor Says:

              I think we’re all responsible for getting our own clues, and the more you need it, the more it’s likely to cost.

              By all means, if the OP feels like helping, she can explain a bit of why his behavior screams insecurity, but she’d need to be aware that she’ll still need to be firm about breaking off any meeting. My gut tells me that he’ll resort to begging, claiming “I can change! Let’s get together!” The problem is that guys like this who really need the clue aren’t going to really listen and absorb the information. Denial is strong.

              The other alternative is to guide him to sites like this one. I found this area of the interwebs on my own and even then it was hard to swallow just how much I needed to get my act together.

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  7. loveliee Says:

    When I was 20, I wrote to Moxie. Now I’m 23, and she saved my life. For real, she knows what she’s talking about.. A lot more than your single girls you want to listen to. A person ill tell you how they are.. you just have to listen. He kind of told you who he was up front… Don’t invest in something that someone else clearly isn’t investing in.

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  8. trouble Says:

    A close male friend told me once…talk is cheap. Saying the right things costs a guy nothing, and essentially means nothing, as a result. I have a great tendency to see people as they could be, and not as they actually are, which has gotten me in trouble for years in the romance department. You really need to keep ahold of your emotions and not let yourself become vulnerable and attached until you know a guy is worth your heart. Don’t listen to what a guy says…watch what he does. Slow down and stop thinking that you are an actor in a romantic comedy. Average guys don’t act like this after two weeks of phone calls. Thiz guy was probably using you as an ego fluffer and may even be married or in a relationship. Your romantic fantasies are keeping you from paying attention to the obvious. For one thing, some guys use pet names like baby or babe when they are interacting with multiple women and can’t keep the names straight. Pay attention and stop being so credulous.

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  9. Lucy Says:

    Ah this just happened to me. Dated a guy for a month who wasn’t really into me. Looking back I can see all the signs and can’t believe I didn’t see through his crap. I’ve decided that from now on, I’ll just be up front and blunt with guys about what I want. It’s my fault that it went on for so long because I waited too long to call him out on his behaviour. I thought ‘playing it cool’ was the right thing but no.

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