Decoding DTF Speak

Cruising for casual sex or casual relationships on the internet ain’t easy.  There’s a lot of decoding and deciphering that needs to be done.

“So…what are you looking for?”

To their credit, most men won’t just come out and say that they just want to have sex with a woman. They’ll hint.

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

That’s it.  There’s no need to analyze that. Even Socrates would tell you it doesn’t require that much thought. It’s very simple. They’re trying to direct the conversation towards what they want. They only ask a woman what she’s looking for so that she will ask the same in return. That way, the guy can make his admission without looking crass. It’s a strategic move.

Queries like this are especially common in online dating. People, men and women, tend to speak in a special language, avoiding any reference to actual sex. The ones who don’t are banking on people giving them props for their “refreshing honesty.’ Guys, especially. Women fall for that all that time.

‘Oh, at least he’s upfront about what he wants.”

You don’t understand. Those guys are either completely social oblivious or are being manipulative. They are preying on a woman’s desire to finally get “the truth” because those women are almost assuredly a Sure Thing.Women who offer up similar confessions in their profile come off as trying way too hard to sound “like a man” or “cool.” The funny thing is that both men and women tend to speak about their sexual desires in ways that they believe will turn on the opposite sex, but will actually turn off the people they seek. Men who refer to “toe curling’ sex and giving massages and women who talk about “fucking’ on the kitchen floor end up alienating possible lovers with such terminology or attracting the people they don’t want. A guy who talks about how “toe curling” the sex will be with him ends up attracting the woman who has learned everything she knows about sex from soft core porn and romance novels. Women who use crude references usually draw to them crude men. Keep that in mind.

“I think we’re looking for the same thing.”

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

Again, that’s a very straight forward yet round about way to respond to someone’s ad who makes it clear they’re not looking for anything serious. Keep that in mind, because that is how many people interpret a sentence like that.

Now, what if you’re dating online and you’re not looking for anything serious? How do you avoid all the possible emotional landmines?

Unfortunately, it’s very different for men and women. I’ve done numerous tests with profiles to try and gauge how successful being upfront really is.

For Men: The irony here is that women who repeatedly get faded on or pumped and dumped tend to find these guys endearing. Then, of course, they find themselves sobbing into their Merlot crying about how dishonest men are. Even when the men are honest, these women still manage to interpret their words incorrectly or give these men way too much credit. Guys who include a statement in their profile about not looking for anything serious tend to end up attracting the women who do want something serious, but think they can handle something casual. There’s really no way to weed those women out unless there is a glaring red flag or two in their profiles. I would never reply to a man’s profile if he only chose casual sex as an option. You know what you’re getting there.

For Women: It’s a crapshoot. It really is. Sure, you get several times the average number of responses. But most of them are from men that clearly can’t get laid to save their lives or who wouldn’t bother with you otherwise. There are a few stray decent options here and there. But that’s a lot of filtering. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work the same for men and women. Men can select casual sex as an option and probably don’t get as many lewd propositions. Of course, men are also less bothered by such messages. Women have to stick with short-term dating. If a man really wants to get laid, he doesn’t care if the woman ‘uses” him. Not so for most women. They don’t like the idea that a guy would sleep with them but not date them. Those are probably the toughest guys to spot because they tend to say all the right things. All you can do in those situations is go with your gut and your desires and decide ahead of time that, however things roll out, you won’t care. And if you’re truly looking for something casual, you won’t. Sadly, there really are no sure fire signs he’s never going to call again. Other than, of course, he doesn’t say he’ll call you. Then you know. But by then, it’s probably too late. There’s no point in asking if you will hear form him again because he’s probably going to lie just to avoid possible conflict and to get laid.

I don’t agree that men and women are judged differently for being upfront about wanting or seeking casual sex or a casual relationship. The women who see men who are that upfront as pigs will obviously judge the women similarly. Those women are sluts, desperate, etc.  I also think that even some of the more sexually liberal men might be taken aback by a woman who is that open about her desires. But then, that’s about their egos more than anything else. They want to believe they’re the ones who inspired the woman to turn “slutty.” It sucks that we can’t be honest. It really does. But that’s just how it is. You can try to be the one who breaks down that barrier if you like. Just be sure you’re okay with essentially using the lure of sex to get a guy’s attention. Because, that’s what many men will assume. Either that or they’ll assume you’re DTF. If you’re not, it’s best to leave such wording out of your ad.

So…do you use the internet to get laid? How? What were the results?

 

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16 Responses to “Decoding DTF Speak”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I don’t agree that men and women are judged differently for being upfront about wanting or seeking casual sex or a casual relationship. … Those women are sluts, desperate, etc. I also think that even some of the more sexually liberal men might be taken aback by a woman who is that open about her desires. But then, that’s about their egos more than anything else. They want to believe they’re the ones who inspired the woman to turn ‘slutty.'”

    I don’t think it’s about egos, for me at least. When I see a woman who is open about looking for sex or a causal sex, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Women, being women, have no trouble getting abundant sex from random guys. There’s no scarcity problem there. Or, there shouldn’t be. So, I would assume that something is “off” about a woman who needs go to great efforts just to get sex. It is also inconsistent with my overall experience with women. I get that there are exceptions but most women are not motivated by sex – as I’ve said before, I believe that women generally use sex to obtain other benefits. So, I am highly suspicious of any woman who claims she wants “just sex.” In the words of the great Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a trap!”

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 10

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    • Trouble Says:

      Actually, you’d be surprised, DMN. If you’re a woman in your late 30s, with a more than full-time job, and a couple of kids, it’s actually kind of hard to find a guy worth having sex wtih. I mean, there are a lot of guys out there that I could have probably had sex with in my single days, but there weren’t a lot of guys out there that I WANTED to have sex with. And, that’s a crucial difference. The same is true for men, I think. You could probably almost always find someone to fuck, if you had zero standards and didn’t care if they had a negative tooth to tattoo ratio and nasty drug habit or a slew of crazy ex-husbands and possibly some STDs to boot. But, you have to do some degree of prep work to find women that you want to fuck, particularly women you want to fuck more than once. Women are in the same boat, largely. We have to think about issues like our personal safety (you don’t want to end up in some guy’s freezer), whether the guy is likely to have safe sexual practices, and whether the guy will be any good in bed. About 90% of the time, I found I’d just really rather not take the risk.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 2

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      • Howard Says:

        Trouble, I think you are touching on a key point related to this whole rant from Moxie. Women like sex, not just sex but good sex. And believe it or not, good sex is hard to find. The guy with the crude references, is generally pretty terrible at providing good sex, and most women know this. Women may act offended by his crude references, but maybe the real reason for rebuffing him, is that he signaled he was going to be a poor lover in every sense of the word, sex and every other dimension of being a good lover, especially being considerate and empathic.

        Let’s take a look at Moxie’s rant.

        “Sure, you get several times the average number of responses. But most of them are from men that clearly can’t get laid to save their lives”

        That piece from Moxie’s rant also speaks volumes. Women don’t want to go to bed with men who have a difficult time getting laid. It fits right in. They have no skill and hence would be poor lovers.
        But here comes the kicker, the guys with skills, also tend to be skillfull at pumping and dumping. Ergo the great discomfort many women find on the dating scene.

        It begins to become an endless quest for that unicorn who is a skillfull lover, sex, considerate and all, but is not looking to pump and dump. Unicorn is a bit of an exageration, because he is out there, women find that man all the time. But the women who are not finding that man, have a different reality, where he seems like a unicorn.

        Most women who find that man will attest that everything was not all exactly what they wanted in the beginning, but there was enough there, to make a go of it. I am going to hate saying this, but we men are all a bit of fixer-uppers. Guess what, women are fixer-uppers too. We don’t often ‘fess’ to it, but we do change, when we actually come up with a successful relationship. The crazy risk is making that decision for the right person. The people who have the hardest time establishing relationships are the people on the extremes of that spectrum.

        1. I am who I am, take me as I am or leave me the hell alone.
        2. I make myself over for everyone I meet, trying to be exactly what the person wants.

        Both conditions are equally disastrous. The first never finds anyone of quality, only desperate people put up with that. The second gets pumped and dumped if you are a woman, friend-zoned and/or used, if you are a man.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Women, being women, have no trouble getting abundant sex from random guys.

      And that’s the rub. Yes, it’s pretty easy for a woman to get laid. But if you’re a woman who prefers that the sex that she has to be good sex, it’s a lot more difficult. Guys don’t really care about the quality of the sex. They get off regardless. Not so for women.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 2

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      • Selena Says:

        And sometimes when you find the guy who can provide good sex, it turns out he has some flaws you can’t live with. Infidelitly as an example.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Well, as some women have expressed here, sex is “better” when it comes with the promise of exclusivity or with a man that is interested in getting to know her, or has known her long enough to know her likes, dislikes, etc. In other words, the man’s interest in her beyond sex over time is built into the definition of “good sex.” Just like, for some men, the variety and newness itself is what makes sex “better.” I’m just skeptical that the quest for an orgasm is really driving female behavior.

        In general, and in my experience, women would choose “mediocre” or even nonexistent sex with a steady, devoted and loving man over a lifetime of “great sex” with a multitude of endless hot men.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

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        • Selena Says:

          “In general, and in my experience, women would choose “mediocre” or even nonexistent sex with a steady, devoted and loving man over a lifetime of “great sex” with a multitude of endless hot men.”

          Your experience seems to be with women who think it must be Either/Or. In my experience, women want good sex with a steady, devoted and loving man over a lifetime. They don’t choose mediocre, or non-existent sex as a basis for a lifetime partnership.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Right. And that’s why I’m justifiably skeptical when a woman says she prefers sex with no strings attached and no long term interest.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

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            • Selena Says:

              Do women tell you they prefer sex with no strings and no long term interest for a lifetime? How do you know it’s not a temporary, or situational desire? Say, after a long partnership/marriage ended a woman wants something casual, a fling – you don’t believe she is being honest about that?

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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            • Trouble Says:

              I think it’s situational. As a general rule of thumb, I’m not well-suited for an endless stream of sexual partners…I am a girl who is much more sexually expressive in the context of a relationship where I love and trust my partner. But, right after the demise of my marriage, a serious relationship was not something I could handle, emotionally. However, I’d done without sex for about 2 years at that point and hadn’t been well-fucked in about five years. I was a seething mass of pent up sexual tension and hormones, and just needed to have good sex for a change, without additional complications.

              In general, i’m not a big fan of NSA sex. But, for those 3-4 months, it was fucking awesome.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

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              • Selena Says:

                I think many women have found themselves in that kind of “transitional” phase. Doesn’t mean they want to stay there for a lifetime. Nor does it mean they think they can’t have awesome sex with a future partner. Mediocre and non-existent sex can actually be a reason to end a relationship rather than continue one.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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      • Jack Says:

        Look at these clowns talking about “good sex”. That’s a direct consequence of the fact that you guys have plenty of d!#$ck offered to you all the time.

        You never find men talking about this. So again, it really isn’t all about the sex for women. How many of you women find that guy that gives you good sex and then you fall for him? Happens all the time.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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  2. Trouble Says:

    I found a FWB online right after my divorce in 2005. I knew he was probably DTF and was only going to be in it for the sex because he was 12 years younger and his profile said that he was open to meeting women who were between 21-50, but his ad never mentioned casual sex (which is something I’d have steered clear of, because I wasn’t looking for someone who was banging multiple people at once).

    We didn’t talk much about sex before we had sex, we connected around common interests and a shared dark sense of humor, and actually met up several times just to hang out before we finally got naked, but it was the obvious and unspoken elephant in the room (I mean, really, why do you think a 39 year old woman is connecting with 27 year old guy, if not for sex? It’s not like I can’t get good conversation from a guy my own age).

    When he asked me what I was looking for, I think I said something along the lines of “something fun and low drama.” I think he told me that he was looking for people to do things with….friendships and/or more. Neither of us were in a place where we were ready for a serious relationship, and I think that was made pretty explicitly clear early on.

    I don’t think women have to raise the issue of looking for sex at all, but the guys we pick say a lot about what we’re looking for to guys. If you’re a woman in your mid to late 30s or older going after guys who are a lot younger, they know what you want.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  3. Mark "The Shark" Park-Clarkson III Says:

    Women, being women, have no trouble getting abundant sex from random guys.

    Women basically have sex on tap.There is no difficulty or challenge in acquiring
    sex for the vast majority.When a woman is sexually frustrated it isn’t because she
    isn’t having sex it’s due to her not having great sex.

    Women don’t want to go to bed with men who have a difficult time getting laid.
    It fits right in. They have no skill and hence would be poor lovers.

    True.Woman place an extremely high value on sexual experience.However,I
    would never reveal my lack of experience to a potential partner.I wouldn’t lie
    but I would let her assume that I’ve a full & varied dating/sexual life that has
    allowed me to grow,learn about myself…..etc.

    I think that I would be able to fake my way through a lot it .The only thing
    that might give me away is the kissing…seeing that I have yet to have
    my first kiss.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “I think that I would be able to fake my way through a lot it”

      Don’t sweat it. You’ll be fine. Take my word for it, women don’t really care.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Get that kiss checked off the list as soon as possible. One thing women appreciate is a man who can kiss well. Skill here will open many doors, among other things…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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