First Date Second Guessing

Name: Roo
Age: 39
State: NYC
Question:  Had a date Friday with a woman from Match. We met for drinks then went to a comedy show and then had another drink after. It was getting late and I had to get home to walk my dog. I suggested she come back to my place with me and we could get my dog and walk her together. We get to my place and my date says she’s tired. I say she can crash at my place if she wants and that I’d walk my dog by myself and she could go to bed. I was gone about 15-20 minutes when she called me asking when I’d be back. I returned to my place about 10 minutes later.* When I got home my date told me she was going to go home because she didn’t feel right staying over after the first date. She said “we could do that on the second date.” I’m trying to figure out what happened and whether I should contact her again for a second date. Thanks.

*Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes  AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

What happened was that she changed her mind. You know that. The true question is why. The most probable answer is that she felt staying over on the first date was a bad move. What she failed to consider was that changing her mind and leaving after she agreed to stay over is the real bad move here. She didn’t have to have sex with you or fool around. She could have just slept there. If you were a dick about her not wanting to have sex then she’d have her answer and would waste no further time. Instead she sat in your apartment and analyzed the situation to death. She probably texted her friends, too, telling them the haps. Giiirrrl, go home now. He won’t respect you!

OR…

She wasn’t terribly interested in the first place and took advantage of the window of opportunity you provided for her by leaving her alone in your apartment.

OR..

She snooped around your apartment while you were gone and saw something that turned her off/scared her/made her think you have a girlfriend or are otherwise disingenuous.

OR…

She felt sick, got her period or felt she was too tipsy to sleep over.

I’m leaning towards the likelihood that she either over-analyzed the situation or found something in your apartment that turned her off. I can remember the first time I saw the apartment of a man I was dating. In his kitchen were an array of plastic, multi-colored steak knives hung on a decorative rack on the wall. He said that he used to keep regular steel steak knives there, but took them down after one woman he dated saw them, freaked out and left. The first time I stayed over, he said I was “free to look through his medicine cabinet.” Another woman he dated did that and found his Ambien prescription, which then led to an inquiry about why he was taking it, what else was he on, where there is smoke there’s fire, etc. My point is that people will create a back story if it suits them.

Oh, something else you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t leave strangers alone in your apartment. You’re mighty trusting. While I don’t think she’d steal anything, she’s still likely to totally violate your privacy by snooping. Her rationalization would be that she was making sure you weren’t a serial killer instead of, like, just not going home with you. Leave a woman to her own devices and she will create a story in her head of how things will play out. It becomes a Choose Your On Adventure exercise, with multiple endings. Sadly, most women choose the wrong ending.

I’m not sure what is so magical about the second date other than it’s not the dreaded first date. Another illogical rationalization. First date sex is a bad move. Second date sex is totally better. If she knows she’d be comfortable after 2 dates, then why wait to stay over? Forget it. That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer – because she’s immature.

Should you call ask her out again? Go ahead. Personally, this sort if behavior would turn me off completely. She didn’t own her choice. She is still dating by antiquated rules created by self-sabotaging women. Plus she kinda nagged you as to your whereabouts. After a first date. You’re a 39  year old man in Manhattan. There are plenty of other women to date. This has already stalled a bit. Now you’re going to have to “prove” you’re not just out to have sex with her.Your choice, though.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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23 Responses to “First Date Second Guessing”

  1. Angel Says:

    I suppose one other possibility that wasn’t mentioned is, you were actually gone a pretty long time…. 30 or 40 minutes? If she wanted to come up to your place, she probably expected you would fool around in some capacity. So then you’re gone forever, and maybe she’s thinking, something is off about this, he can’t be too into this if he goes out and walks the dog for half an hour.

    I have a dog, and if I bring someone home I will just take him out for a quick pee. I usually would have walked him before the date…. But even if not, I wouldn’t leave someone I just met alone in my place and go off on a long walk. That seems weird to me even as the owner of a pretty spoiled dog. So maybe it seemed strange to her and she got irritated, bored, weirded out, whatever.

    I think Moxie’s theories make sense too.

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    • Selena Says:

      I also wondered why the long dog walk when you have someone you don’t know well waiting for you in your apartment. I can understand the woman calling, she probably wondered what the hell was taking you so long. And the long wait gave her time to decide staying over might not be such a great idea.

      If you’re interested, why not ask her out again? I’m not seeing the dilemma here.

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  2. AP Says:

    I’m going with Angel’s theory above. I would also think it was really odd if the guy was gone for 30-40mins to walk the dog while I was in his apartment for the first time…to me, it would seem like he’s not into the date.

    Hindsight is 20/20,but next time, make sure your dog is walked before a date ….so you can actually stay out and not have to cut the date short for that.

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  3. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Why would a guy invite a woman back to his apartment if he wasn’t interested?

    Why not just end the date?

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    • AP Says:

      Well, she probably initially thought he was interested when he asked her to come over. But when he was gone more than 15 mins, she prob thought “WTF….if he was really into me, he should have been back after walking the dog down the block and letting it pee”. It’s also kind of disrespectful to invite someone over and then be gone for 40 mins, especially when she already said she was tired. She could have assumed they would cuddle, make out and maybe she could exit after…but after 40mins, she just wanted to get home and go right to bed most likely.

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  4. John Says:

    This woman is inconsistent. First she goes back to his place because he suggested “they go walk the dog together”. She agreed to that and then she says she is too tired to do that after they get there? I didn’t think dog walking was an Olympic event where you needed that much energy. But of course she had the energy to analyze, text friends, snoop or whatever.

    And he was OK with that all that and left her alone? I think he should ask her out again. I think they are good for each other.

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  5. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Please note the update to the post via the OP:

    *Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

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  6. OP Says:

    Since the details seem important, here are a few more: came back to my place, my do greeted us in her friendly way. Dog starts playing, we sit on couch and start making out. She doesn’t like being side-by-side, so she throws her leg over me and straddles me. A little bit of grinding, but not a ‘porn star’ levels.

    No matter what, my dog’s bladder is on a timer and we have to go, so I tell her to crash here. She agrees, mentions being jetlagged, says she will be out like a light before we are back. I offer her t-shirt and boxers to sleep in, she takes them and we leave. I figure she is asleep (and seemed interested), no need to hurry.

    Then the bailout happened. And that’s the question to Moxie – what did I miss in the transition?

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    • Angel Says:

      Well, she was grinding on you, and you got up to leave and told her to go crash. If I’m making out with a guy and possibly thinking we’re going to have sex, then he’s like, gotta go, go to sleep, I’m thinking he lost interest, or maybe has some sexual issues I don’t want to deal with. Maybe I’m weird, but that’s how I’d think.

      Or, again, she could have just been hanging out alone there and thought, what the hell am I doing sleeping over at a strangers house, this is weird and will be awkward in the morning, plus at this point we aren’t going to hook up, so I’m out.

      If you like her, ask her out again, and make a solid effort to close the deal this time. But she really does seem a little strange.

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  7. Trouble Says:

    My guess is that the woman impulsively agreed to stay over, but then, while the OP was out walking his dog, she had time to talk herself out of her impulsive idea. You didn’t close the deal fast enough and she had time to second guess herself. Maybe she just decided that she’d rather sleep in her own bed. Who knows.

    If you liked her, date her again. If not, give her a pass. I don’t think we have enough to draw any real conclusions with any certainty.

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  8. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Personally, I never leave someone alone in my apartment. Snooping is too much of a temptation and you can’t “unring the bell” if they discover something that can be misinterpreted.

    Here’s what I think happened. They’re in the middle of hooking up and he says he has to break to walk his dog. She says she’s tired (meaning, she doesn’t feel like going for a walk – a feeling I can totally relate to, by the way. Single people with dogs? Red flag.) Anyhoo, to preserve the “moment” he says to “stay over” and she assumes he will quickly walk his dog and they will resume hooking up where they left off.

    Then, rather than walk his dog, he decides to go for a midnight stroll by himself. I don’t think she drew conclusions about him or their “relationship” – there’s no reason to think she’s a high maintenance drama queen or idiot at this point. I think she just realized that he intended for her to literally go to sleep and, if that’s the case, she preferred to be in her own bed. He killed the mood and she sobered up. Simple as that. She said “next time.” So, what’s the issue?

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Single people with dogs? Red flag.

      I’m a dog lover and even walk dogs, and I agree with this to some extent. Dating someone with a dog is somewhat difficult and takes some getting used to. Sleep overs are interrupted because he has to get up at or 6 or 7 am to take his dog for a walk. (Luckily, I’m an early riser and sometimes have done it for him.) Nights are sometimes cut short because he has to get home to walk his dog, etc. I often see, in men’s profiles, that whomever they date “must love dogs.” I even equate the pics of them with their dogs with the ones guys post with their kids. They’re telling you what a priority the animal is to them. I love dogs so I’m accepting of it. But if I weren’t a big dog lover, I could definitely see someone getting annoyed very quickly. Some guys even take their dogs on first/second dates as some kind of test to see how the woman takes to the dog.

      You have to *really* like dogs to date a dog owner.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I love dogs too. I used to have one as a child. The critical words for me being “as a child.” Dogs are for families and country-folk, not for city-dwelling, working singles. It is essentially a 13-15 year consistent commitment to take care of the dog. Even human children grow up and can feed themselves, wash themselves and use the bathroom well before then. A dog is a cute baby that never grows up. Some people know that and intentionally take on the commitment (in spite of the challenges.) In my experience, though, many don’t. (My experience being mostly with women, of course.) So, to me, it could be indicative of an impulse control problem.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          A dog is a cute baby that never grows up.
          And that’s why I’m a cat person. Cats are fully capable of taking care of themselves by the time they leave their mothers, i.e. around six weeks. I can leave my cat home alone for days at a time when I travel, though I usually have someone check on her daily anyway. And I never have to interrupt a date to take her for a “walk”, because she can use a litter box (off in a room where nobody else will ever see or smell it) just fine by herself.

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      • K Says:

        Eh, I don’t know that it has to be such an issue. My dog gets picked up during the day and is gone for 2-3 hours at a playgroup. Before I go on a date, I come home from work and take him out and feed him. It’s true I can’t sleep over my bf’s house during the week, but I’d rather sleep in my own bed and be well rested for work anyway. We do whatever activity we’re doing that night, then have sex, then I head home (10 mins away). He can sleep over at my house as well, but I actually prefer to go over there because he lives in a much more fun neighborhood with more to do.

        And I make sure I can sleep over on the weekend – dog either sleeps over my parents’ on Saturday night or with his sitter. I make it work. It’s worth it to me to have the dog – it’s his company and companionship and having him to take care of that allows me to feel good living alone. I’m in a new relationship and it’s working out fine so far – also made it work while I was dating around and while I was in a previous relationship (that guy and the dog were bff’s and he’d help me out a lot with walks and even staying over when I traveled on biz).

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      • The D-man Says:

        I guess it depends. I have both a dog and a cat, and I pay someone to check in on and walk the dog every day.

        If I have a chance to get laid and the dog has to pee, I take her out for the 3 minutes it takes to get her to do her duty, then come back in.

        OTOH my dog is really low-maintenance. She practically pees on command and is extremely obedient. I’m spoiled.

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    • Selena Says:

      I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving a near stranger in my home alone not because of snooping worries, but because it’s kind of rude. What is the one left there supposed to do – sit on the sofa and stare at the wall for half an hour? Seems like something that would start to feel very awkward after 15 min. She was already tired – I agree the long dog walk gave her time enough to sober up and decide she’d rather sleep in her own bed.

      The real question is why the OP is looking for a reason not to ask her out again when it seems clear she liked him.

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    • Kurt Says:

      Yes, I agree. Why didn’t he hook up with the girl first and then walk the dog like a normal guy would have done? Couldn’t the dog have held it in for a little while longer? Also, why would he take the dog on such a long walk? Couldn’t he have walked the dog around the block to let it go to the bathroom and then quickly returned? He entire behavior seems really weird to me.

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      • Chris Says:

        His behavior is a little odd….I would think most guys would pay no mind to the dog when all arrows point to them getting sex. I’ve been in situations when things got pretty heavy back at my place and the last thing on my mind is taking the dog out for a walk. If the dog was whining to go out I would sure as heck take them out for a real fast walk (fast like right in front the apartment fast). I would also instruct said date to open up a bottle of wine and put on some music to make sure the scene that was unfolding before I walked the dog doesn’t just die when I get back. Also giving them a “chore” keeps the snooping to just the kitchen or music collection – which I guess if your not clean or your really into odd music might kill the mood but that would be pretty rare.

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  9. Mark Says:

    I tend to think believe that the simplest reasons are the most likely suspects. Not always, but usually.

    If you subscribe to that notion then it’s probably one of the reasons given my Moxie and a few others. If that’s the case then why not try to set up a second date. If you feel that an explanation about the dog thing is in order, then by all means offer a brief explanation about the bladder issue and an apology.

    If she accepts, great. If not, then there isn’t much you can really do at this point.

    Note: It’s always good to read a letter that doesn’t ramble all over the place on one hand, or is so short that critical details are intentionally or inadvertently left out on the other hand.

    Hope things go well.

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  10. sharon Says:

    I like a guy with a dog. It does show a level of commitment and care that they ar capable of. I have a dog, and anyone who dates me “must love dogs” and understand that my dog can only hold her bladder for so many hours. I think the woman was going on impulse. When the OP went for the walk, she thought better of staying over a guy’s house on a first date and that’s why she bailed. I’d give her another chance if I were the OP

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  11. LostSailor Says:

    Critical thinking is a great thing, but you can sometimes over-analyze a situation. I agree with Angel and Trouble: things were getting frisky, and you left her alone in your apartment where she had time to rethink the situation. OP was up front about having to walk the dog and she, being a dog owner herself, likely totally understood. I don’t see this as being a big deal, really.

    I would definitely go for a second date here, this was just a hiccup that doesn’t need to derail a potentially promising relationship.

    That said, I wouldn’t leave a woman I didn’t know well alone in my apartment for 20 minutes, especially after just a first date. I would assume snooping would be going on; it’s a natural inclination and too great a temptation. I have most of my shit locked down, so there’s not a lot of private stuff to discover, but snooping is still, to me, a near deal-breaker.

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  12. btrflynaia Says:

    She most likely overanalyzed when she was alone for that long. I love dogs too. But, when someone has more pictures of their dogs than theirselves. It’s a bit creepy. I went on a 3 hour tortuous date with a guy that talked about his dog and rock climbing for 3 hours. He bragged about his dog being in the car at that moment and scaring people that walked by with his barking. Ugh! If you liked her, go out on a second date. Or call her and see how the conversation/communication goes. Good luck!

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