Question: I’ve been friends with this guy for a while, on a casual level. He’s 30 and I’m 20. I never thought about him romantically or sexually until recently, when he told me that he feels very drawn to me, and that he respects me as a person and feels really attracted to me. Then he went on to say that usually he’d try to have sex with someone he felt so attracted to, but that because we were friends he respected me too much to go there. I was taken aback, because this confession seemed to come out of nowhere, so I had very little response except to say that it’s better to keep things simple between us. Then a few weeks after this I was hanging out with him late at his place again, and he said it again, this time adding that he has nothing to offer me and would never want me to have to deal with his shit. There are a lot of reasons that pursuing something with him would be a challenge, age aside. But that being said, something about his admitting he’s attracted to me and his refusal to make a move out of respect has now made me think about him in a way I hadn’t really before. Am I crazy for falling for this Mr. Darcy stuff? Is there any way to pursue this without it feeling awkward?
Am I crazy for falling for this Mr. Darcy stuff?
I absolutely love that you used this phrase, as it is EXACTLY what I think of when I hear such twee comments from men. No you’re not crazy for falling for it. You’re just young. You’re young and you’re enthralled at the thought of this older and more “sophisticated” guy taking an interest in you.
when he told me that he feels very drawn to me, and that he respects me as a person and feels really attracted to me.
Oh dear. Do tell, Mr. Darcy. Drawn to you? He feels drawn to you? Well, here’s a question…why would a 30 year old man be drawn to a 20 year old? Honestly, does that make sense to you? Is this me being judgey or is that creepy in some way? Or at least out of place? Let’s say he is drawn to you. That alone strikes me as a warning sign. I believe that he’s drawn to your youth. Not uncommon, of course. But I believe, in cases like this, the attraction goes deeper than being about how nubile and pure you are. I tend to think there’s much more to it than that. Maybe he’s drawn to your level of emotional maturity because he’s immature? Or drawn to your inexperience because it doesn’t threaten his ego? I don’t know. What I do know is that if he’s reasonably attractive, he should be able to date women closer to his own age. He either can’t or chooses not to. Red Flag. [Except for you, of course. You're totally different. Not at all immature or insecure.] There will be people with stories of how they dated someone so much older and how profound and powerful that connection was. Breaking….it wasn’t. You just thought it was because you were a child and didn’t know better.
Then he went on to say that usually he’d try to have sex with someone he felt so attracted to, but that because we were friends he respected me too much to go there.
And that, my love, would be a lie. That would be something Mr. Darcy would say. It’s romantic and makes women feel..say it with me….special. Guys don’t talk like characters from romance novels. When they do, it’s strategic. They know that that is how many women think of men and that many females want their love lives to resemble a rom com. And, sadly, many of us do. If a guy wants to have sex with you,and you make yourself available to him, he’ll try to have sex with you. The whole thing about not wanting to ruin the friendship is a lie, too. This reminds me of a blog I read over the weekend. She posted a link to her site on Nerve Confessions asking people for feedback. The guy acted all offended when he invited her to sleep over after their first date and she immediately said she would but there wouldn’t be any sex! [Just everything but. Holy Jesus Christ on a Palomino Pony. Just f*ck him already.] Here’s a classic example of the Grand Gesture Guy. Kissing in the rain. Carrying her up to bed in his arms. Romantic declarations. Fakity fake fake fake. Guys don’t talk like that!
Ladies, it’s an act. They’re pretending to be offended. They’re pretending to be concerned that we think they ‘just want sex.” It’s all part of the dance. We do the “Oh, gee, I don’t know if that’s a good idea” thing while we’ve already run through the fantasy about getting nailed up against a wall by the end of the first cocktail. [PS? That only successfully happens in movies, too. Go ahead. Try to recreate that magic. See how it goes for you.] Either except his invite to go back to his place, lose the coy act and screw him with abandon or don’t. That’s it. None of this in-between crap anymore. You’re making it difficult for all of us.
But that being said, something about his admitting he’s attracted to me and his refusal to make a move out of respect has now made me think about him in a way I hadn’t really before.
Yep. That’s exactly what he wants you to think. He wants you to see him differently, maybe even put him on a pedestal. He’s trying to make it a challenge. He wants you to chase him. It’s all an ego stroke for him.
The guy is full of it. He probably believes what he’s saying, though. That’s why it’s so hard for you to decide what to do. If you want him, have him. Just understand that you’re probably not getting the romantic hero he’s presenting himself as. He’s a 30 year old dude trying to bang a 20 year old at best, or a 30 year old dude who’s wildly immature and insecure trying to date a 20 year old because women on his own level intimidate the crap out of him.