She Will Be Loved

Name: Sara
Age: 39
State: CA
Question: Hi Moxie

I posted this about 2 weeks ago, and I’m not sure if you got it, so I’m sending it again.

I have been actively looking for a partner for two and a half years, and haven’t had a second date with anyone I felt good about.  I approach dating on the basis that it takes time to build rapport and attraction, so always accept second and third dates (within reason) but none have blossomed into a relationship so far.

My lifestyle is pretty adventurous – my business allows me to spend large chunks of the year in some great overseas locations, and I often spend 3-4 months in one location before moving on to another.  This has led to some amazing experiences, and I’ve met some fantastic people, but there haven’t been any romantic adventures so far.

Last year, I decided to stay in the US to find a relationship, and after 12 months of online dating, speed dating, going to relationship coaches, attending seminars, buying products related to attracting men, and approaching / fliritng with men in real life,  I haven’t met anyone with “relationship potential” I have now made peace with the fact that I won’t get what I’m looking for.

By relationship potential, I mean someone I can see myself spending a lot of time with.   Enjoying holidays with the family together, travelling together, having fun and supporting ourselves through life.  I believe in investing time to get to know the guy better, but if there’s no platonic attraction, I don’t see the point in taking things further.

Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who I can do all the above with, and whose work allows him to travel with me.  An entrepreneur, full-time blogger, freelance writer… an adventurous guy who ditched the 9 to 5 to be the master of his own destiny.  Deep down though, I know that a man like that in the 40-55 age group can easily attract a younger, more attractive woman.  In fact, I’ve met them while travelling, and they have their pick of very young exotic beauties.

I’m ready to resume my travels and focus on work again, but family and friends are pleading for me to stay and keep on trying.  When I explain that the options available to me are limited, and that my ideal man has the pick of younger and prettier women, they look upset and say things like “if you had more self-esteem/confidence, you would have attracted him by now”.

Logically I know that I can either lower my standards and force myself to make a relationship work with a man I won’t be happy with, or carry on with my previous nomadic life, be open to meeting new people, use the skills I’ve learned in the US, and let whatever happens to happen (even if that’s nothing).

The second option sounds more realistic.  What do you think?

 

Here’s what I think. We all know that the first part of my answer will be that you are the common denominator. Therefore, since you’re the only consistent factor in each experience or situation, the issue probably lies with you. That’s just plain common sense.

But let’s look at this from a different angle.

I was on Twitter yesterday and came across a tweet that ended up haunting me for the whole day. It said:

I’m the type of girl that falls in love with Justin Bieber because I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with.

That tweet brought me back to those nights when I’d climb into my Dad’s car after a school dance. He’d ask if I met any boys, I’d say no. He’d get quiet for a while and then say, “Don’t worry. Your time will come.”

Yesterday was the first time in probably forever that I ever so clearly recalled that. I ended up in tears off and on all day. I cried for two reasons:

First, obviously, because my father did just recently die and memories of him tend to do that to me, though not to this degree. Granted, I’m ovulating and therefore I have to remind myself that what ever I’m feeling is exaggerated. I try to imagine what it must be like for a parent in those moments. How powerless they must feel when all they want to do is make their child feel better.

Second, because I identified so closely with the young girl who wrote that tweet. Like her, I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with. Meaning I have never been and never will be that girl who always has men swooning over her.

I wanted to reply to her tweet and say what my Dad used to say. Don’t worry. Your time will come. But I’d add one thing.

It might not look like what you think it will look like.

A promise like “your time will come” is a loaded one. It implies that, simply by being, we will find someone to share the journey. I happen to believe that if someone truly wants that, then they will have that. That was something else my Dad always said. Take this excerpt from a letter he wrote me:

Now, to answer a question you ask me most of the time to which I always say it is up to you if you find someone. My real answer is that I hope so before my time is up. I would ask God of nothing more than to see you happily married.

I guess what I’m suggesting with all this is that it’s up to you if you ever find someone. I have to say that, from your letter, I hear far more passion from you when you talk about traveling and your job than I do when you speak of pursuing a relationship. Maybe the travel and the experiences is your time. You’ve found something to love. There’s no rule that says you have to pair off like an animal on Noah’s Ark. That’s an idea that gets planted in our head as we grow up. We mature believing that we’re supposed to want that. We don’t ever seem to consider the possibility that not everybody is destined to have a great romance or “soul mate.” We weren’t all born to be the type of girls that boys fall in love with.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have that, if that’s what we truly want. Like I said, I think we’re capable of having exactly what we want if that desire is a true intention and we’re willing to sacrifice and work for it. I guess it all comes down to how badly you need and want that. I happen to think that many relationships are borne from need. The need to fit in. The need for reassurance. The need for attention. That’s why most of those relationships have short shelf-lives.

I think your second option not only sounds more realistic, it sounds a hell of a lot more fulfilling and fun. You can find men to share your life for a time, should you want that. That’s not hard to do. You’ve tried all these ways to meet someone and nothing has worked. Maybe that’s because  you really didn’t want them to work out. Maybe it’s time for you to be honest with yourself about what you really want and why. Right now, you are bound by nothing. That’s actually a pretty ideal place to be at this point in your life. So take advantage of it.Think you have a fatal flaw keeping making you unapproachable or that sends a distress signal to men? Figure out what it is and fix it, if only because everybody should commit themselves to personal improvement and growth.

Live your life for you, not the expectations or hopes/fears of others. Just do it authentically and honestly.

 

 

 

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66 Responses to “She Will Be Loved”

  1. Paul Murray Says:

    SIgh. Yet another late thirtysomething woman who is the whole package: successful, intriguing, wealthy, worldly, in short – everything a woman could possibly want in a man.

    Is she sweet and kind? Is she loyal and feminine? Is she pretty? Can she – and more to the point: will she – cook? No. She wants someone to take on holidays, someone with whom to spend money and to entertain her.

    There’s just no point explaining to her that she actually has little to offer a man. Nobody who spends a year as she has and doesn’t even find a potential, does. Maybe that’s the key, you know, to so many women like this. So intent on getting what they want, without pausing for a second to consider not only what they have to offer, but specifically: what they have to offer to *a man*.

    Actually, re-reading it, she does have an inkling that the problem is that she doesn’t have much to offer. But she is wrong about what that lack in herself is. He friends tell her that she needs more self confidence. What bad advice! This woman’s problem is not self confidence. An inflated self-confidence is what women find attractive in men. She and her friends need to stop projecting their own values onto men.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 48 Thumb down 44

    • Sweet Says:

      why the belittling of this woman? She never touted herself as the whole package, she never implied that she would never cook. It seems to me like she just wanted someone to share the adventure of her life with her. That is not too much to ask, but it is difficult to find…and not everyone is fortunate enough to have it in their lifetime.

      Moxie’s advice was spot on.

      Instead of beating herself up because she “doesn’t have a man”, she should continue living life and she what happens. Chances are when she is the most happy, beaming the brightest from a life well cherished, that is when she will find what she is looking for.

      And it may not happy until she is 45, 55, 60…who knows.

      So many women, get caught up in finding a relationship that they really don’t search their hearts to see if they are truly happy…and/or what it will take to get them there.

      I am 37 years old and for the first time I am not in a relationship. At first, I was TERRIFIED, because “Oh my God! I don’t have a man…what am I going to do? What if I end up ALONE, a SPINSTER and everyone assumes that no guy wants me!”

      Well…after coming down off the ledge for a moment, I decided I had two chooses.

      1. To end it all in a less sloppy way…pills, hanging, who knows.

      2. Or to realize that “no having a man” didn’t make me some sort of a loser. And to work on being the best Me I can be, living the best life I can, enjoying reaching me goals, loving as many people as I can, meeting as many people as I can…reaching for a great life.

      This way, if a man entered into the picture, it would be a man who met a HAPPY me. A woman who would love him the best she knew how (incidentally, that involves cooking).

      And if a man NEVER came along, I wouldn’t have spent my life obsessing, waiting my the phone, wishing and hoping and never have LIVED.

      In an unexpected coincidence…I am now the happiest I have ever been in my life. I truly believe that if I meet a man now he will be so lucky, because I am happy, engaged in life and want to share that with him every day I can. On the other hand, I will be lucky to have him, because I know how valuable a good man is in a woman’s life, and I will have found the person who doesn’t make my life but who adds to it. He will not have the heavy burden of fulfilling me. He will be my partner in live.

      I invite women (especially of mature age) to take a look at the story of Paula Darrow. I read this and realized how important it is to never get bitter, jaded, cynical, angry….AND…to never start to DEVALUE yourself just because you are getting older. Big mistake. Getting older is not a crime. It does mean that options aren’t as plentiful. It does mean that you have to be open, as open to good people as possible. If you are superficial, don’t get mad if men are. But if you are open to a good person’s heart and flexible in terms of the package it comes in, most likely more people will feel that way towards you. All it take is one good one. Remain in hope, in love (of self, others and life in general), and in faith…and everything else will fall into place.

      http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/28/fashion/weddings/paula-derrow-and-randal-chinnock-vows.html?pagewanted=all

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 9

    • PhillyGal Says:

      I disagree about the self-confidence being a bad thing. I have 2 girlfriends who are equally attractive (they even look similar) and both are quite cool (smart, funny, etc). One of them constantly has guys hitting on her and the other doesn’t get attention as frequently. Based on knowing them, I think it’s solely based on confidence. Guys approach girl 2, but I think her uncertainty about her worthiness as a partner ends up biting her in the ass. She reacts weirdly, over-thinks and accidentally sabotages herself. So even though she is the best friend someone could ask for, she doesn’t know how to be a girlfriend because she doesn’t think she deserves it. So, of course, no one wants her to be their girlfriend.

      I just woke up, so I hope that my thoughts are coming through clearly. My point is that inflated self-confidence is not what the OP’s friends are suggesting. They simply want her to be sure of herself (and happy with her life) because the rest of it will really work itself out.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        I disagree about the self-confidence being a bad thing.
        I do too, but not for the same reason. Most women (especially “career” women) seem to misunderstand what “confidence” is in the first place. They look at the men they want (but can’t have) and see selfish, arrogant assholes who show no emotional vulnerability–and they think that is “confidence”. So they emulate that and, when healthy men are repulsed by it, mistakenly believe that men are “intimidated” by them.

        Truly confident people don’t give a rat’s ass what other people think of them, and they have no desire to emulate the worst in others in order to get people to like them. And they understand that happiness does not come from having a man, or a career, or jet-setting all over the world; it comes from loving yourself–and surrounding yourself with other people who love you, rather than a bunch of sycophants who just tell you what you want to hear.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 1

        • PhillyGal Says:

          Just to be clear, I agree completely. I don’t think I was describing arrogance at all.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Kurt Says:

      I agree 100%. I personally have found that women who seemingly have an obsession with traveling, such as the OP, tend to be very narcissistic and typically have a long checklist of things they want in a man. However, the number one thing (or one of the top things) on a man’s checklist is beauty/youth, which this woman seems to have squandered. She probably does not realize how less attractive she is to men now than she would have been 10 years ago. If she does not adjust her “standards” to s more realistic level, she’ll be single forever.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 19 Thumb down 18

  2. GuyDatingAbroad Says:

    OP:

    Both Moxie and Paul Murray are correct. One gives gloves-on and the other gives gloves-off feedback. Reading your letter, I was shaking my head as to where to start.

    1) Adventurous, your own business, 3-4 months away. Immediately, I’m turned-off, because it makes me wonder when exactly are you going to prioritize a relationship after running your business, being away for 1/3 to 1/4 of the year, and indulging your own adventure endorphins?

    2) I’ve gone on first dates with women of your profile type. I can’t decipher what you want. When a worldly woman like this says she is adventurous, I expect a Bond girl. Blame the movies: they influence our expectations. But that’s not who I meet. I meet a woman who wants adventure on her own terms, which is still not made clear to me what that is. So the woman comes across as flaky. Who wants a second date with that? Not me. I can also sense that the woman is not ready for any sort of relationship, because she still has to reconcile the direction of her life (living your own life of adventure) with the reality of dating towards a relationship (building a life together).

    3) I’m sure some replies here will say you sound desperate with your, “months of online dating, speed dating, relationship coaches, seminars, products to attracting men, approaching men in real life…” but I won’t agree. No one has seen the real you. I actually think that your ballsy adventurous side will overpower any sense of desperation anyone might have of you. I agree with Paul Murray: you are not lacking of confidence. You are in fact overwhelming me with your self-confidence. Guys don’t want the woman to wear the pants in the relationship.

    4) As one relationship coach for smart strong successful women says (you might even be his client – listen to him), despite your credentials – adventurous, successful – that is not what men want in a woman. Men do value a woman who has her act together, but “they also want from their girlfriend warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness.” As Paul Murray says, what do you have to offer in this department? I also do not see it. If anything, it feels like a relationship with you will be stressful and a pain-in-the-ass. Your expectations of the man for adventure, flexible travel time, and financial independence are over-the-top. I make lots of money, traveled the world, home is paid off.. and even I find women like this over-whelming. Your values and goals for the future are irreconcilable with mine.

    5) It is delusional to expect “an entrepreneur, full-time blogger, freelance writer, adventurous guy who ditched the 9 to 5 to be the master of his own destiny.” You’ve just described less than 0.1% of single men. Meanwhile, most of the guys that fit this profile are not interested in settling down. They have their pick of hot young impressionable women to date and have sex with serially. And among the rest of the guys that fit this profile, they come with a bag of issues of either narcissism, control issues, commitment issues, or they just don’t exhibit the physical or sexual traits you were imagining of such men.

    I can tell you what you can find easily from a guy of that fits your profile: a friends-with-benefits arrangement with you, as long as you are willing to pick up your tab to rendezvous in an exotic city for a weekend, or a f*ck vacation on a beach resort during a winter break, two or three times a year.

    6) As Moxie says, you are the common denominator. To be specific, I see this as being your values and your interests for the future. You will not find like-minded men like this on the dating circuit. So you have the choice of either modifying your values, goals and expectations, or you keep them, stop dating, and continue doing your own thing. How does the latter end? Books like Under The Tuscan Sun and Eat, Pray, Love will have you think that you will find a man by doing your own thing. I believe that it is true you will have to find these guys in their own element. But the chances of you finding a relationship in this element are slim to nonexistent, because as point #5 makes, these guys have their pick of hot young impressionable women abroad, or they are engaged in that kind of life because they made the conscious choice not to date women like you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 36 Thumb down 7

  3. AP Says:

    Great post, Sweet, and thanks for sharing Paula Darrow’s story as well. I too agree Moxie’s advice is spot on in this case.

    A lot of people fault career-oriented women for being too busy to actually find and sustain a relationship. But in OP’s case, I think it’s admirable that she took time off from the travel and career she loved, to give it a shot. I think 12 months is a fair amount of time. Now in OP’s heart of hearts, she will know she really gave it her best effort and used all possible outlets/methods available to her, to go after what she wanted Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how badly you want something, it just doesn’t happen or come. But to try and fail is better than not having tried at all. It just wasn’t in the cards. People will say it’s because something better is meant to be….who really knows?

    In this case, OP is very fortunate to have a job that she seems to enjoy and has a lot of travel/adventures that are in-built within it. I concur that she should go back to living the life she enjoys and is passionate about, especially since she has made peace with herself about being single. Happiness is something that comes from within, and it’s entirely possible to construct a happy and meaningful life without a partner….if YOU allow it. It’s cliched, but they say be content with what you do have as opposed to always searching that you don’t. Ultimately, no matter what we say or what her family says, OP needs to believe she’s making the right decision, and make sure she’s not leaving behind any “what ifs”.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • Peter Krieger Says:

      “Happiness is something that comes from within, and it’s entirely possible to construct a happy and meaningful life without a partner…”

      With all due respect, I disagree. Happiness is a sham. I believed in it for long enough to know and live profound disappointment. I am sorry to say that women today are very much like Sarah in CA > wanting it all and all on her own terms, no exceptions. Sorry – dated them, hated them. Many women see no value in a man without a criminal record, who holds down a job pretty well, is good to his parents and respects women.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 30

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Many women see no value in a man without a criminal record, who holds down a job pretty well, is good to his parents and respects women.

        Maybe because men like that aren’t exactly rare? Maybe the problem is that you think you are some sort of rare gem and pursue women you believe should be grateful to know you? Honestly, it’s not that difficult to find a guy with a job who doesn’t have a criminal record who loves his parents and respects women.

        And side note? Stop posting comments under your real full name.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 2

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Maybe it would be a real accomplishment for a woman to bag the sexy criminal badboy and convert him into a respectable powerhouse?

          Women have people projects too, and some have enough ego to tilt at windmills.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Happiness is a sham.
        If you really believe that, I pity you.

        Many women see no value in a man without a criminal record, who holds down a job pretty well, is good to his parents and respects women.
        The value of something is determined primarily by its scarcity relative to demand. In our society there is no scarcity of men without a criminal record, who hold down a job pretty well, who are good to their parents and who respect women, so that has relatively little (but not quite zero) value. If that’s all you have to offer a woman, then there are millions of men who outclass you by offering more and you’re going to have a tough time competing with them.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 3

        • Marshmallow Says:

          **Many women see no value in a man without a criminal record, who holds down a job pretty well, is good to his parents and respects women.**

          I don’t have a criminal record, I have a job, I’m good to my parents and I respect men. Where is my parade? Or does that only apply to the men on your planet?

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 3

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Happiness is a sham.

        There’s real wisdom there, but then I’m a real Cynic.

        The Good Life isn’t an unbroken stream of California sunny days, it requires rain and snow too.

        “Happiness” is mostly about marketing products.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who I can do all the above with, and whose work allows him to travel with me. An entrepreneur, full-time blogger, freelance writer… an adventurous guy who ditched the 9 to 5 to be the master of his own destiny.”

    So, your “ideal” is apparantly a frivolous, adventurous, jet-setting bachelor. I don’t think the problem is that such a man can get a younger woman. That may be true, but there’s a bigger issue. That sort of man is, by definition, a frivolous, adventurous, jet-setting bachelor. In other words, he doesn’t really want to be tied down to a traditional relationship. And, as Moxie points out astutely in my opinion, neither do you really. Even if you found a man that wants a stable, traditional reltaionship, with a a job and a white picket fence and children, you’re not really offering that.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 36 Thumb down 8

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think Moxie’s right to point out that there’s more possibilities than being 100% about your job or 100% about building a relationship. I think the OP would be wise to cultivate some FWBs/”a boy in every port” and have fun with her status rather than thinking herself a failure for not fitting the white picket fence idea.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

    • Ally Says:

      Has she considered a much older man ? 15 or so yrs older and he might be available to travel and happy to settle for only one woman, since shes so much younger. might be worth checking out :)

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  5. anon Says:

    I think the OP is looking in the wrong places. On her travels she is likely to meet the unobtainable men, and at home the 9-5ers that she isn’t into. I think she should try going to conventions where she’s likely to meet professionals / entrepreneurs like her. These conventions are mostly male dominated, and there are lots of intelligent men who are doing interesting work.

    I’m dating a man who writes for tech blogs full time, and gets a few freelance writing gigs. We both went to a bloggers convention earlier this year, and we met lots of other bloggers, freelance programmers, designers, tech writers. Quite a few had left the USA and were working in South America and Asia (google Location Indpendent Professionals, Digital Nomads, 4HWW). There IS a thriving online community of these types, and they are mostly male. I think they are what she is looking for.

    So there’s still hope, and the time she has spent doing all the coaching and dating hasn’t been wasted.

    Some observations from reading her entry and all the replies:

    The OP is already aware that if she doesn’t get the relationship she wants, she’s not going to settle. I think she wanted Moxie to give her impartial advice, because her friends and family are using the false excuse of “low self confidence” to make her stay in the USA and find a man. It’s obvious that a lack of confidence is not an issue here.

    I’m sure that after investing in so much coaching, she would not make the mistake of leading with her acheivements in her online dating profile and on dates. If she has a successfull business and knows something about marketing, she will have learned to lead with what her coaches have told her that men want.

    She should read and reread some of the comments that the men have posted here, to understand how the male 9-5ers REALLY view women like her. These are insights that she will not get from her coaches (they want to get paid, so wouldn’t say offensive things) or from her dates, as most people don’t say what’s on their mind.

    I don’t know the OP and don’t know the other aspects to her personality / appearance that she didnt’ write about, but it’s interesting to note that the male commenters filled in the gaps with pretty negative stuff. So when dating, it’s important to avoid discussions about her acheivements, travels or lifestyle and focus on the aspects that men appreciate. She can then drip feed information about herself as the man gets to know her more, as he’s less likely to judge her harshly for her success.

    What’s poignant is that she says [I] “haven’t had a second date with anyone I felt good about.” It suggests that men want to see her again, so she’s presenting herself well, but SHE doesn’t want the men, not the other way around. Finally, she says [I] “can either lower my standards and force myself to make a relationship work with a man I won’t be happy with” which tells me that she knows how to make a relationship work, but the men she meets in the US just don’t satisfy her.

    So she’s looking in the wrong places for love.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 2

  6. Sweet Says:

    In all of these, I think the men are correct. But they are also not her Target audience. I think Anon had the best advice, which is to go where she will find men most like her. While I understand the men’s view and even agree, we can’t tell the OP to “change” herself into a person she can’t be with a life she hates to get a man. She just has to accept that she has a certain “niche” market that she is looking for.

    The saying goes “how you get him, is how you keep him and how you lose him.” This of course that if you get him by “not being yourself”, you will have to not be yourself to maintain the relationship and ultimately you will lose him because you were not true to yourself (or him).

    Instead start seeking out the biographies of women (living and dead) of women who were living truthfully and found loves being their unique and different selves. You may be the type of person who has many interesting numerous affairs or you might get lucky and find one long lasting. But the goal (in my opinion) should be to love well, be true to yourself and others…end the end that is what is most attractive. The OP is not trying to attract a 9 to 5 man or a jetsetter. But she is trying to find a man who will appreciate her unique qualities. He is out there. Just remember all the items out there which people pay good money for which some of us would never consider buying. There is a market for many things…you just have to know where it is.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  7. Sweet Says:

    Sorry for all my typos…hope you can decipher it…I typed on my little phone keypad. hard to proof read.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

  8. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    But she is trying to find a man who will appreciate her unique qualities. He is out there.

    But is he? This is something women do all the time. They contiinue to encourage women to believe that there is a lid for their pot. Maybe there’s not. Time for her to acknowledge that maybe this is it for her and to devise a Plan B.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 5

    • Sweet Says:

      You are right about this absolutely, positively right. And she has to make some decisions. As I did and many other women will. I would rather live life the way I enjoy and find someone to match it rather than change myself to get a relationship that I am not satisfied with. You have to ask yourself the tough questions and be prepared for the consequences. I am ok with being alone. I have already “stomached” many unfulfilling relationships in order to be paired up and know how souls destroying that was for me. So I have battled the tough questions. For someone else the answers may be in the complete opposite direction. I respect those women too and think that they are making just as equally valid choices.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

    • nathan Says:

      In the past, I have been critical of Moxie’s calls for Plan B’s because they sounded too final and cynical. However, the way she wrote this post presents an honest, but also non-judgement approach to all of this. Which frankly, the world needs more of.

      To the men who are speaking out against strong, career oriented women, I think you need to step back and ask yourself why it is that you are so insistent on women being “good cooks, “not career driven” and in other ways stereotypically feminine. In my opinion, women have endless number of things they could offer in a relationship, just as men do. It’s high time people stop boxing themselves in by outdated gender role narratives, which are clearly sabotaging a hell of a lot of relationships.

      To the women out there who are always pining away for some ideal romance: Moxie is right. Not everyone is made to partner off during their child bearing years and live happily ever after. For some of us, the great partnership will come later, and probably not in the way we expect it to. For others, it will never be a main feature, and that doesn’t at all have to be considered a sign of failure.

      To the OP, do what you are most passionate about, and don’t let the advice of others hold you back from that. At the same time, be a little more flexible about what you want from a man, and spend some time considering what it is that you do offer to a relationship. (It’s not about lacking, but knowing what you can give someone else that’s important. And if you realize something is lacking, then work on developing it.) The main thing, though, is don’t sacrifice yourself for someone else. Make decisions because they strengthen you as a person, not because someone else thinks they will help you find a man.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 9

      • Sweet Says:

        Amen…Hallelujah. What a gloriously beautiful answer.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

      • Chris Says:

        Amen to what Nathan and Moxie said….I finally realized that I might not be cut out for a long term relationship myself. I too worked a lot of hours at a job I loved, the job also allowed me to hop around to different states and I loved it. During that time I had relationships that gave me some “fun” while I was there but I eventually changed jobs and basically moved away with no real thought about it. All that ended recently when I got laid off – twice in one year. It made me stop and think and do some soul searching about relationships and that maybe I should look for a job that would ground me and allow me to seek my significant other. Fast forward on that thought and I have two failed relationships under my belt. Why? Because I realized that I miss my gypsy lifestyle more then I missed a permanent relationship. I get more jazzed about the prospect of living in another state and exploring all the nooks and crannies of that state then I did looking for the perfect house for me and my beau. I got more excited talking about camera club then I did about wedding plans. I realized that deep down I am a loner and that I probably will be walking this path alone with the occasional FWB relationship that pop up over time. Sometimes I fear that I will be lonely as I grow old but I am willing to take that chance now because if nothing else I know I made the choice. Marriage and children are all personal choices, choices that change your life forever when they are made. I say follow your heart and if your true bliss is your job and travel then follow it, you will be rewarded greatly for it.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      • The D-man Says:

        I don’t have a problem at all with strong, career oriented women. I think the point is that career-oriented women need to realize that their career is not especially important to men. If they’re relaying on that as their attraction calling card, it’s a mistake in the same way that a guy who thinks six-pack abs are the key to women.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          Most women evaluate themselves by the same standards they use to evaluate men because, deep down, they believe men are just women with penises. And, until they break through that delusion, they will never understand why men aren’t interested in them.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

      • Helena Says:

        “To the men who are speaking out against strong, career oriented women, I think you need to step back and ask yourself why it is that you are so insistent on women being “good cooks, “not career driven” and in other ways stereotypically feminine. ”

        Agreed. It’s funny that when women evaluate men for the stereotypically masculine qualities, such as career, men on this blog make negative comments.

        If they want a feminine woman who cooks and offers the old-fashioned wifey skills, what do they have to offer? Because they seem to hate being looked at for their earning potential, leadership etc.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  9. Sweet Says:

    Also, read the story of Anita Moorjani. She is Indian and was told that she was too opinionated, career driven, independent thinking to find a man. Ultimately she found her “soulmate” in a man who loved her for exactly the reasons everyone said she should change. “Dying to be Me” is the book.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  10. India Says:

    One can not expect contradictory qualities in one person or within the context of one relationship. If the op is seeking a stable long term relationship with one partner, her life style is contradicting that goal. Further, the ideal man that she describes is unlikely to want to be in that relationship. I do know such jet setting men, and they do not walk around with baby Bjorns. The op has to come to peace with what she wants: an adventurous life filled with unconventional and likely short term relationships, or the “conventional” life with a stable relationship.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

    • nathan Says:

      I don’t really think it’s about simply two choices. This is another box people get themselves into. Believing that a long term relationship has to look “conventional” in order to be successful. I have a few friends who have traveled relentlessly for years as couples, for work and pleasure, living different places for months at a time. I know people who have spent years of long, healthy marriages living in different states and/or countries due to work circumstances or volunteer efforts. I’ve met a few others who have lived in separate homes throughout multiple decades long relationships they’d say are going very well. The OP doesn’t mention wanting children, which require more conventional stability. Because of that, I think she’s got more than two options, and her current lifestyle doesn’t mean she can’t meet someone for the long term. It just narrows the potential candidates, given that the majority of people want something “conventional” and stable.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 5

  11. Cee Says:

    In short, you cannot afford your standards. Surprise, surprise. Apply for a membership to the careerist, post-wall, aging spinster club, but FYI: the waitlist is pretty packed as you lot are a dime a dozen these days. In the meantime however, you can begin learning to speak cat and adopt Kate Bolick as your god.

    Seriously. When will women, most especially older ones, realize that insisting on sustaining standards they cannot conceivably afford/attract is not only incorrigibly stubborn, but severely delusional. it’s akin to an unemployed, chubby guy who lives in his mother’s basement playing World of Warcraft all day  insisting he can only date supermodels.  

    I disagree with Moxie that the OP doesn’t want a relationship, most everyone wants a relationship if the “right” person came along, especially women. Her problem is that the men she wants relationships with (Jet-setting Mr Bigg types) want absolutely nothing to do with her,or any other women who don’t occupy the top strata of youth and attractiveness.

    If that came off harsh, I am not at all sorry. Let this be a cautionary tale to women who still have some capital (beauty, youth, femininity) left in this harsh dating climate we’ve found ourselves in. I uphold the OP and others like her as an example of exactly what not to do/become. At age 23, I vow to never allow myself to ever feel a need to pen a similar letter as she. 

    As for any actual advice I have for the OP, the choices are rather simple: either reasses your standards to what you can *realistically* attract, which at 39, unfeminine, and uncompromising as you are isn’t much, or live the rest of your days as best as you can. I reckon my money is safer with the latter. 

    Accept that your ship has long sailed and that you simply failed to consolidate on the capital which you were afforded at birth to gain the commitment of a man of corresponding value some decade and a half ago. 

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 19 Thumb down 39

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I disagree with Moxie that the OP doesn’t want a relationship, most everyone wants a relationship if the “right” person came along, especially women.

      Did it ever occur to you that these women develop impossibly high standards *because* they don’t really want a relationship or don’t want one as badly as they think or would like others to think?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 3

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        They do want a relationship on some level; they just don’t want it as much as they want the things that are preventing them from actually being in a relationship.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

        • chillybeans Says:

          I think they like the “idea” of a relationship, more than the actual reality of it.

          Some stats and good reasons for staying single.
          We all know this, the divorce rate for first marriages is roughly 50%. (higher for second/third marriages)
          So out of the remaining 50%, how many are good marriages? I hear from so many of my married friends, and about half of them are miserable. There is cheating, no communication, coldness, substance abuse, knockdown drag out fights, little/no sex, money issues, the list goes on and on. (When you are divorced, you get to hear all the horror stories)
          So really, the white picket fence dream, you know, the one where you are HAPPY, IMO,has about a 25% success rate. If that.
          I hate to sound so cynical, there are some good marriages out there, but few and far between.
          My own parents were together 42 years, til my father died, and people always remarked on how “close” they were, what a wonderful marriage they had. Yes, they did everything together, including becoming alcoholics.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • PGL Says:

      Written just like a 23 year old would write. You barely have any experience in the ups & downs of life and it also sounds like you have no real goals in life outside of being in a relationship. One’s worth comes from within. It doesn’t need to be validated by a relationship. Having someone to share the journey of life is great if you can find someone who accepts you and your goals/dreams. Sometimes we make bad choices in partners & end up wasting time. Be very careful making proclamations like “At age 23, I vow to never allow myself to ever feel a need to pen a similar letter as she.” You never know what life will throw at you.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 5

  12. Cee Says:

    Moxie,

    While there is a possibility the case may be that she doesn’t at all want a relationship and never has, I highly doubt this. Her situation is hardly unique in any big metropolitan area. Again,  join the club. 

    Analogy: If some unemployed, chubby, socially inept guy who lived in his mum’s basement insisted he can only date super models, his delusional standards would more likely be borne out of fear of rejection/fear of facing the reality of the very  low quality women his own value can realistically attract and not his lack of  desire for sex. 
    He’d rather delude himself that his high standards  are what is keeping him in perpetual celibacy and not his disillusioned relationship with reality. OP’s situation is no different from this.

    There is a point where standards become a defense mechanism and a buffer from reality in order for one to avoid coming to terms of what their value can realistically afford them in a mate. 

    She’s not the first woman to prioritize pursuing her career and  dating unobtainable, aloof men who would NEVER commit to her but for one night in *hopes* of having a side of family-life later once she has exhausted her sexual capital. 

    Unfortunately, too many women have been sold a bill of goods by the feminists of our era and the SATC culture that they can play and work as much as the (apex) men and still be able to attract a quality mate later like they do. Too bad someone forgot to inform them about: the power of male choice,  their plummeting fertility, and the observable reflection of said fertility – their ailing looks with age aka “the wall.” These are the consequences of discounting biology.

    Let me be clear: I am not blaming a woman for aging. I am blaming women for having unrealistically high standards for their age/looks. I am blaming women for expecting commitment (the greatest thing a man can give a woman)  from a desirable man at age 40 after they’re done having their fun and have nothing to offer such a man – it is rather insulting.  I am blaming women for lacking all accountability and awareness as to how they ended up single well past their primes.

    I can only hope that one or two generations of girls watching a few generations of women die alone, unloved with their cats and master’s degrees is enough to cure what ails us.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 33

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Maybe don’t take it all so personally?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

    • india Says:

      The vast majority of my single, older female friends,etc in NYC are not in high powered careers. There are plenty of single women women who are nurses, secretaries, bloggers, and teachers too. My personal admin is a 36 year old woman who seems to be constantly talking about dating and on match.com while she should be working (argh!!).

      On the flip side, the majority of my female friends who are successful had already married men they met in medical school or law school, etc. I am not sure if the lesson here is “quit your job and focus on man-hunting.”

      What is more tragic than being a 40-something single doctor (who is otherwise financially independent)? It is being a 40-something single women with no retirement savings.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 2

    • Trouble Says:

      It’s interesting to me how someone who is 23 is so viscerally angry at a 39 year old woman for living her life that he has to lash out at her on the internet.

      The only thing I’ll say is that I don’t think that the OP’s current lifestyle (living in a fixed location for 12 months out of the year) is sustainable for her. And, she probably is communicating that message, albeit inadvertently, to the guys she meets, all of whom have more solid roots to the community. She may be very attractive, but a rooted person isn’t going to get attached to a rootless one without some degree of trepidation. I married a guy who has historically been pretty rootless and has literally been to every corner of the globe, but after we’d dated for about a year, and I knew a little bit more about his history, I had serious concerns about having a future with him. He’d never lived anywhere for more than 2-3 years at a time, and I didn’t want to invest emotionally in someone who was going to be here for a minute and then gone.

      We had a pretty candid conversation, and I told him, “Hey, I have roots to this community. I have kids and a house and a job, and I can’t just up and leave those things at a minute’s notice. And you don’t have any roots to anything, and you need to decide what your goals are. If you want roots, I’m your girl. But, if you’re just going to move in a year, do me a favor and let’s end it now before I get even more heartbroken.” He’s now been here for 5 years, because he accomodated himself to my life, but the bargain we made is that when my kids are in college, we will move to wherever he wants, as long as we can both make enough money to see my kids and parents (and his parents and family members) on a frequent basis.

      I don’t know how many men are going ot want to make that bargain for you, though. Most traditional guys are going to want a pretty rooted girl who will accomodate her life to his (see nasty comments from disgruntled male posters above). You really are seeking a niche market that may be extremely difficult to find. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, though. It just means that you’re going to have to market yourself in a different way to a different group of people than you are likely to find in your area.

      You also may need to look for someone who is 10-15 years older, or maybe even a guy who is retired military with a good pension, in order to find a man who isn’t right in the major earning portion of his career and can just uproot you and be fancy free. Think retired cop, retired military, retired firefighter (all of whom if they started out in thier early 20s will be looking at a 20-year retirement by 40-45 or slightly older. A lot of retired military guys have also had that same rootless existence you’ve had, and like it. You are going to have to be thoughtful in how you search and market yourself. as well. If part of the problem is that you’ve been on 2nd and 3rd dates, but you aren’t intersted in any of them, I also think that you may need to adjust your standards for what you’re looking for, as well, because it sounds a little bit like maybe you have a long internal list of demands on which you aren’t willing to compromise (at all) and some of them may be unrealistic.

      I would never suggest compromising on key issues like intelligence, character, kindness, etc., but you might need to compromise in areas like income, type of work, age, and appearance. Just my take.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 2

      • Wanderlust Says:

        “You really are seeking a niche market that may be extremely difficult to find. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, though. It just means that you’re going to have to market yourself in a different way to a different group of people than you are likely to find in your area.”

        Trouble, that’s one of the most sensible things I’ve read here. Thank you.

        What OP needs to understand (and the rest of us for that matter) is that finding love is not some random occurrence that we all hope will happen to us. It’s not about suppressing your needs for somebody else’s. It’s not about co-dependent catering to other people’s insecurities about what ‘stable’ is supposed to look like, to suit them.

        Finding a partner is first about getting clear about what you want and being honest about why it is you don’t have it yet.

        And no, not all men traveling abroad wants younger teeny-boppers. If they do, it’s not a relationship they’re after. For some reason, OP doesn’t think she has the goods to entice them.

        I’d recommend that she turns her self-dialogue around and makes a list of things that makes her intriguing and fun to be around. What does a guy need to know about taking care of her and making her feel special? How does she want to take care of a guy and make him feel special? I’m sure it involves more than traveling and intellectual stimulation. Any guy can do that. There’s something that makes a man truly memorable to her. That’s the million dollar answer.

        If She can’t think of that answer, that’s a good place to start with a coach. Accomplished women get so used to being walking resumes, it’s hard to break free of that habit. Why do her friends love her? Chances are those reasons is what she needs to bring with her on dates.

        Yes, it’s about what what a woman offers (as well as the man), but there’s more to life, relationships and keeping a man happy than cooking. My sister cooks one day a week and her fiance adores her.

        And ‘being fertile’…really? What’s with this medieval ‘brood mare’ philosophy? Any woman for a variety reasons may not be able to have a child, even in her 20’s. And not every man wants kids, especially if he’s already had them. I’ve seen gorgeous 60 somethings and hideous 18 year olds. Can we move on past superficialities?

        Finding love is the world’s greatest sale transaction. It involves, for a woman this day in age, defining her target male market, what makes these men tick, unwind, relax – and then marketing herself the right way to entice them. Think “National Geographic on safari”.

        Maybe OP is afraid of settling down – to a point – and that’s why she’s targeting the men she has been. BTW – people are using the term ‘jet setters’ to describe her ideal, when she never used the term. True jet -setters don’t work and they don’t blog. They too busy being beautiful to be bothered.

        What OP appears to be looking for is a guy who’s comfortable in his own skin, likes to be his own boss and wants a woman who looks great in heels, appreciates weekends in Paris and prosecco over an appletini. He’s used to getting his way, he knows what he wants and he doesn’t want to constantly reassure a woman or explain himself because “she doesn’t get it”.

        There’s no point marketing to the 9-5 man who works, gets paid and goes home caring about getting his needs met and is intimidated by a woman who’s led a more interesting life than he has. That guy has his target female market, and there are plenty of women out there who appreciate that guy.

        I liked the suggestion from one of the posters, of going to international blogger conventions. That’s smart because it puts a lot of men with interests (and money to spend on travel conventions) in one place to save OP time in screening candidates.

        Maybe, just maybe OP needs to relax and not stress out about finding somebody. They say that “whatever you resist, persists.” If you try too hard, you chase them away. If you think it exists, or doesn’t exist, you’re right.

        Let your hair down woman! Smile, have fun, show some sparkle. When a woman happy, really happy, she glows and that translates to everyone she meets.

        OP may have to think about settling down to find the love she wants, but it can be overseas (it’s easier to travel living outside the US anyway) and it can be with someone that enjoys traveling several times a year.

        Where there’s a will, and some creative thinking, there’s always a way to make what we want work for us.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

        • LostSailor Says:

          And no, not all men traveling abroad wants younger teeny-boppers.

          No, not teenagers. But older men who have the time and means to travel like this would probably want upper-20s/low-30s women. That is, younger than the OP. She’s clearly already recognized this.

          If they do, it’s not a relationship they’re after.

          Bingo. They have options. Perhaps one might want to share the road for a time with the OP, perhaps even long-term. But the odds are against it.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

          • Trouble Says:

            You know, guys told me that men my age wouldn’t date me, that they had better options amongst the 30-somethings. I didn’t believe them, and I found a man my own age who wanted to marry me. Don’t generalize what you would do on all men, LS. You aren’t all men.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

            • LostSailor Says:

              I wasn’t generalizing about all men. I thought I was fairly specific about a type of man who has the means and time to travel extensively, usually internationally, whether for business or pleasure. I met not a few of these guys when I was living in Europe many years ago and know several here in NYC. The comment was addressed to the OP’s rather particular situation. I stand by it.

              That said, aren’t you generalizing your experience?

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

              • Trouble Says:

                Not really, no. I clearly stated that such men are a niche market (in other words, a small subsection of all men). But, if you know that’s what you’re looking for, you can be a lot more targeted in your search, which tends to work better, as long as you’re realistic about it.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    • Just One Opinion Says:

      You sound terrified that something like this might happen to you if you don’t get tough and get it together. I understand.

      The thing is, men and women (at this point in history) are doing the same thing…trying to live life and experience themselves individually while at the same time have a family. The only problem is, that the playing field is not tilted in favor of women. It is not “insulting” when a woman enjoys her life and looks to settle down when she has experienced life a little…what it IS is “not prudent.” Men do this themselves all the time! But the game is set up so that it works for them. It does not work for women.

      Women have more choices now than ever before. More options. However, women need to be “educated” about the consequences those choices have. You are right, she cannot expect to settle down the moment she decides to after a certain age, like a man could. But that doesn’t make a woman a villain. It just means like most things in life, it just isn’t fair.

      Some women are much happier developing themselves as people, accomplishing goals, traveling the world and experiencing a certain “adventurous lifestyle” that you cannot have if you have children. Conversely, other women will not be complete unless they experience motherhood and being a wife.

      It is about developing the best strategy for playing your cards. Be informed. Be aware of what the rules are and then play the hand the best way you know how. In my world, there are moms who wish they could have explored more of the world and then there are worldly women who wish they had children. You cannot have it all. But you CAN decide what is the most important to you and reach for it.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        You cannot have it all.
        That’s the crux of the problem. Gen X women grew up being told (by feminists) that they could have it all. However, reality has caught up to them, and they are now seeing through the propaganda. No, you can’t actually have it all; you have to decide what parts of life are more important to you and focus on those. That’s not to say any particular choice is “wrong”, but you need to understand the ramifications of your choices. While a young woman who prioritizes family has the opportunity to change her focus later and become a career woman, the opposite is simply not true for biological reasons–and we are all doing the next generation by perpetuating the lie that they can.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 3

        • india Says:

          While the OP may be an exception, but the majority of women I know are not sitting around rejecting multiple marriage proposals so they can focus on their carriers as international photographers (just as an example).

          The comments on this blog makes it seem like that women are single because they were constantly turning down marriage opportunities in their 20’s – only to regret it years later. Unfortunately for many of us, no such opportunities ever presented themselves. The number of marriage-minded men is just much smaller than marriage-minded women.

          I have had female friends who quit their jobs in their late 20’s and focused on dating for a full year, and they still ended up single. Finding love is not effort-dependent, just because you prioritize it does not mean it will happen.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 5

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            The comments on this blog makes it seem like that women are single because they were constantly turning down marriage opportunities in their 20′s – only to regret it years later. Unfortunately for many of us, no such opportunities ever presented themselves.
            Wrong. The opportunities were there; such women just didn’t want to take advantage of them, perhaps to the degree that they didn’t even see them. Trust me; if you prioritized getting married above all else, then you could get married tomorrow. However, the reality is that you have higher priorities that have prevented that from happening. And that’s okay. Just don’t delude yourself into thinking that it wasn’t your choice.

            The number of marriage-minded men is just much smaller than marriage-minded women.
            This is yet another lie women tell themselves to justify why they’ve failed. In reality, the number of marriage-minded men is equal to the number of women who are worth marrying. If no guy has proposed to you, that is all about you, not the guys.

            I have had female friends who quit their jobs in their late 20′s and focused on dating for a full year, and they still ended up single.
            Because everyone knows that men would love to date an unemployed woman, right? Who thinks up these patently self-defeating strategies–and why do so many women fall for them?

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 11

            • india Says:

              “Trust me; if you prioritized getting married above all else, then you could get married tomorrow. ”

              CR, just can’t trust you here. This is pretty detached from reality. I simply can’t find a man to marry me by September 5th (Wed). Perhaps you can now tell me what flaws I have that prevents me from getting married in 24 hours?
              .

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

              • Trouble Says:

                Actually, Crotch Rocket is correct. If you went on Craig’s List today and posted an ad promising citizenship to someone who wants to remain in the U.S. legally, if he married you, you could get married tomorrow. Of course, that would expose you to criminal charges and you’d be marrying someone you didn’t know at all, and that entails a degree of risk as well. But, you could do it.

                You just aren’t willing to do it because of the associated risks. And, I don’t blame you.

                But, if marriage were your top priority, you’d be married. It wasn’t my personal top priority, but it was in the top 3 for me, and when I really started to date with intent, it wasn’t that hard to find someone worth marrying. Of course, I had to loosen up on some of my standards. For instance, I always said I wouldn’t date a NASCAR fan. Not only did I date one, I married one. But, that was one of those arbitrary nonsensical requirements I put on men I dated in order for them to be “the whole package.” I let go of almost all of those arbitrary stupid requirements that were keeping me trapped and dating guys who were higher on the cool scale than they were on the “would make a good life partner” scale. I stopped caring about the type of music the man listened to, what movies he liked, how much hair he had, what kind of car he drove, and what his job title was. Instead, I focused on things like: Is he smart? Is he ethical? Is he kind? Does he have a good work ethic? Do we have fun together? You’d be amazed how many marriageable men there are out there when you stop dismissing men because they’re too short, they didn’t graduate from the right college, they don’t have the right job title, and they don’t have enough hair.

                So, what’s your flaw? I’d say the odds are high that you’re too picky and your list of what you’re looking for impossibly long and completely unrealistic. That’s your flaw.

                I’m not advising that you get out there and scour your city for illegal immigrants who will marry you…I’m suggesting you revise your expectations to be more in line with reality and start looking more pragmatically for someone who would make a good husband, for starters. That is, if you really want to get married.

                Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

                • India Says:

                  I do not really see a point in arguing with people who suggest that committing a crime is a worthwhile risk to take for the sake of a fast marriage. I suppose I just do not want it badly enough.
                  I am actually in a happy relationship for over a year, and my boyfriend is likely happy that I am not some irrational desperado.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

                  • Trouble Says:

                    Apparently you didn’t bother to read what I actually wrote before responding.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

                    • India Says:

                      Trouble, you seem to be projecting your past mistakes on other people. Just because you had once rejected men or superficial reason does not mean that is my life experience. Do not project your regrets onto others.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                I simply can’t find a man to marry me by September 5th (Wed).
                If so, then you simply don’t understand the qualifier “if you prioritized getting married above all else”.

                Not that I’m suggesting you do that, of course. There are some things, like physical safety, that should be higher priorities–just not as many as you might think. If you were to make a list of all the reasons you wouldn’t do it, though, I suspect that past the first dozen or so, a neutral third-party would decide they’re mostly bullshit–and those are the reasons you’re not married.

                And that’s okay. It’s fine to have higher priorities in your life. All I’m saying is that you need to recognize that and embrace it, rather than blaming other people for your singleness.

                Perhaps you can now tell me what flaws I have that prevents me from getting married in 24 hours?
                Since I don’t know you in particular, I obviously can’t answer that question with any more specificity than I already have. However, it applies to every woman (and man, for that matter) I’ve ever known, including me. Those who really want to be married, are. Those who tell themselves they want to be married, but really don’t, aren’t.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    • Maargen Says:

      Cee:

      I think you’re conflating 3 very different concepts #1: Not wanting a relationship #2:Wanting a relationship and #3.Wanting a relationship [i]with the right person[/i].

      Since the poster is clearly not in group #1, you assume she must be in group #2. But what about group #3?

      Do you suppose that if she doesn’t have a relationship (she must of course want one – what woman doesn’t?) then not having one must mean she’s miserable.

      What if she feels that she would like a relationship, but no relationship is better than the wrong relationship?

      The right person for the poster is one that makes her feel (note: not THINK) that she would rather be with him than alone. This feeling can be based on many factors, and MANY of those feelings arise from physiological factors beyond our thoughts and conscious awareness.

      (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-02-17/entertainment/27056508_1_genes-researchers-mhc)

      So she should consciously settle for a decent guy who fits a reasonable set of standards, but leaves her cold, or lukewarm at best? She should ‘force’ herself to be attracted to a different sort of man than the ones who actually attract her? Or she should be in a relationship with any decent, available guy, regardless of a tepid level of attraction to him?

      I suggest that many, many women have done this, only to find the relationship unsatisfying for both parties and ultimately unsustainable.

      Would you tell a lesbian to change her standards so she doesn’t end up alone and miserable? Or would you understand that if she’s not attracted to the guys around her, she’s not attracted to the guys around her, and that’s that?

      Attraction and love are much more about chemistry than about conscious thoughts, choices and decisions.

      The right chemistry forms a bond as strong as glue (or cocaine addiction)

      Lack of chemistry is insurmountable, no matter how nice the guy is.

      Sure, there have been gay men and women who marry and have families with members of the opposite sex. But a woman doesn’t have to be gay to find that although she may be with someone she really, really likes and who is salt of the earth, she’s just not that into him.

      If you choose to settle for that rather than be alone, then that’s your choice. When you find that eligible man, you won’t leave him free to find some woman who’s crazy about him, you’ll latch on to him no matter what so you won’t be 40 and alone. Lucky him.

      Some women make a different choice – and accept the consequences.

      If the poster is open to finding the right guy, won’t settle for a tepid, lukewarm connection, and meanwhile lives a life that makes her happy, good on her! If she does meet the guy with the right happy-making mix of chemistry and attributes that puts her in a sustainable endorphin driven love-haze, then she might find herself amazed at how happy she is with a white-picket fence, a dog and 2 step-kids, something completely different from the life she thinks she needs to be happy.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

    • Selena Says:

      Where is the guarantee that anyone will not “die alone”? It certainly isn’t a marriage license. Those don’t necessarily last a lifetime and for those blessed with a long and happy marriage, one of them is going to go first, leaving the other to by your definition, “die alone’ anyway. And statistically speaking, women outlast their male partners.

      The best way not to be alone, end up alone, or die alone is to create for yourself a happy and fulfilling life with other people in it. Which it sounds like the OP has done.

      I don’t understand the resentment coming from the commenters about this woman’s lifestyle. Is it envy? Is it because she admits she probably wouldn’t be happy with a 9-5 guy and that describes YOU? Isn’t that your own issue then?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

      • Chris Says:

        Selena I was wondering the same thing. The OP was just trying to get Moxie’s perspective outside of her own circle. All she keeps hearing from those who are close to her is that she should settle down, be married and perhaps pop out a kid. That’s what almost all women are told by their Mothers, Aunts, girlfriends, whoever. But who’s to say that is what all women should or want to be doing. In my 20’s I’ve been told that but I had the greatest supporter in my life – my father. His favorite quote to me was “I would rather see you single & happy vs. married & miserable” he also told me “Guys don’t like fat broads” but that’s another topic. I lost him when I was 25, not only did I lose a father but I lost a hugh supporter of my goals, which were not about marriage and kids. I’ve had four official marriage proposals in my life (ring and all) but I said no to each and every one of them. I wasn’t ready, period. I would have made a shitty wife and probably a shitty mother because I wanted to do some much more and I didn’t want any ties on my ass. Selfish, I guess, but at my age (43) I sit across the table from many middle aged people (not all but quite a few) who chose marriage and kids and I hear regret, would of’s, could of’s and should of’s and I wish I had a crystal ball because I would have chosen differently. I tell them my choice isn’t the easiest – times I am lonely and I think about choice’s and if I will someday really regret it all but right now I like my life and all things I accomplished and will accomplish. When I date I know my audience (sometimes I go off the track) but overall I know most of the men will be in their 50’s and I am okay with that because by that age a man’s kids are grown and he is more available with his time.

        To the 23 year old – Never say never in your life. You may wake up one day at the ripe old age of 45 and find yourself divorced, living with your mom and dad with two kids and saddled with debt – why? Because you’re oh so charming and accomplished husband made off with his 25 year old secretary. I hope you don’t but again you never know what life will throw your way.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

        • Kurt Says:

          Your dad gave you good advice, especially the part – “Guys don’t like fat broads.” A truer statement has never been uttered!

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  13. Chacha1313 Says:

    Wow. This poor woman came looking for constructive advise and support and got a lot of insults, dated thinking and self-righteousness that is more revealing about the responders than helpful to the OP.

    First of all, I agree 100% with Moxie. If the OP loves her job, travel, adventure, etc. If she feels passionate about the way she lives her life then SHE IS ALREADY HAPPY and maybe what she needs to do first is stop worrying so much about how her life choices affect her friends and family.

    If the OP would like a relationship as well, what is so outrageous about that? To me she sounds somewhat aware that her perfect mate, as far as flexibility within his own work, is a tall order. She’s put time, energy and money into trying to find someone (partly to satisfy other people) and she seems relatively OK with the *possibility* that she may not find a life partner. But I repeat, she ALREADY has steady, fulfilling passion in her life. How many people can honestly say the same? How many people live their whole lives, sadly, never knowing the euphoria of passion and devotion, not to mention pride in one’s work, life, family, children, etc.?

    And you guys came down HARD on her. You don’t know what she looks like. Y’all act like 39 is an old crone. Have any of you walked down a NY street recently? There are plenty of women in their late 30s, 40s, 50s and (gasp) 60s who are downright beautiful for their age if not plain old hotty and age-defying.

    So let’s push the superficiality of looks to the side and get to the “have it all” question…first of all, if a 39 YO guy wrote the exact same post would any of you blink an eyelash? No! You’d say “Dude, go for it, girl in every city, come back when/if you wanna settle down, the world’s your oyster, etc…” Again, unless the OP wants children, why can’t she do the same if she so chooses?

    I have a an older friend “B” who is a very, very successful international art dealer. She traveled the world for years searching for the right pieces, satisfying wealthy discriminating clients, etc. It all looked very glamorous from the outside. And man she dated! SO many boys and men, here in NYC, flings abroad; this chick had more sex than any female I’ve ever known. And she had a great time! To be honest, I love this woman, but she is average looking. It didn’t matter. She’s fantastic! And incredibly fun, curious, knowledgeable, generous, kind, etc. Men. Are. Attracted. To. Her.

    In her late 30s she started getting worried, got a little pickier and eventually got married to last guy on earth I would have ever guessed. I’d met so many interesting and exotic men that she’d dated, many of which wanted more serious commitments from her and she ended up with a sweet nerd who she is mad for. I don’t get it but who cares? She totally thinks he’s her Prince Charming after years of globetrotting and buying/selling art to the “jetset”. She’s about to give birth to her second egg donor baby and also about to turn 46. She had a great time traveling and dating and she’s currently loving being a wife and mom who still works and travels less.

    Whoever says you can’t have it all is just wrong. B has it, I have it, there are many of us out there. The point is everyone has a different definition of what “having it all” means. In the work I do, I’ve spent a lot of time surrounded by the people who tabloids tell us “have it all”. Unfortunately, my livelihood depends on these people. And I can confirm what most intelligent people already suspect.

    I’ve met few, if any, who feel like they “have it all”. And I’ve met very few who have lives that contain the passion and JOY that the OP says she ALREADY has. OP, like I said, I agree with Moxie. You’re already happy. You don’t have a partner. Maybe someday you will. Maybe someday you won’t. You are a YOUNG woman regardless of what some of these posts say. Do what your heart says.

    Lastly, to the 23 YO…I don’t have enough time, nor the desire, to set you straight. I hope you figure it out b/c like you, 39 sounded awfully old when I was your age. But not to the point that I’d ever consider calling a successful, itinerant, adventurous 39 YO woman a “cat lady”.

    Your response was just rude, amazingly immature and downright cruel. I think someone else said something along the same lines and I agree: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. You’re 23 and clearly have a lot of growing up to do. If I were you, I’d focus on getting some real life experience first b/c you probably don’t want to procreate with the type of men who would currently be attracted to your particular brand of immaturity, fear, insecurity about being alone and blatant sexism.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 7

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      everyone has a different definition of what “having it all” means.
      Then they are wrong. “All” means everything, and by definition there can be only one “everything”. You can’t have everything; every second you spend doing one thing is a second you spend not doing all of the other things–and there are more things to be had than there are seconds in our lives.

      So, life is about choices. It’s up to you to figure out which choices, i.e. how you spend all those seconds, will make you the happiest. That means you need to know both yourself and the ramifications of each choice, in particular what you are giving up to get something else. Nobody–nobody–gets to choose to have everything, and thinking you can do so is the path to ending up with nothing.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 8

      • Trouble Says:

        CR is right. Having it all is a myth. It doesn’t work like that. You cannot simultaneously be the best at everything. You can’t have perfect children and a perfect house and a perfect job and a perfect husband. Something’s gotta give. I find I can manage good children, a somewhat messy house, a job I like but don’t always love, and a pretty great husband. But, there are only 24 hours in a day. It is what it is.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  14. LostSailor Says:

    family and friends are pleading for me to stay and keep on trying. When I explain that the options available to me are limited, and that my ideal man has the pick of younger and prettier women, they look upset and say things like “if you had more self-esteem/confidence, you would have attracted him by now”.

    It has nothing to do with self-confidence or self-esteem. I’m sure the OP has plenty of both. She is also well aware that she’s looking for a unicorn, one that she’ll never find on dating sites, speed-dating, dating coaches, etc. That’s a waste of time. She has seen the men she wants on her travels and recognizes that they have lots of options, and she’s likely not one of them.

    My take is that she doesn’t want a relationship as much as she wants her nomadic lifestyle. Her friends and family want her to have a relationship because it would make them happy, not because it would make her happy.

    The “fatal flaw” Moxie mentions is the OP’s insisting that any potential relationship partner must mold himself into her life. I think it’s an honest question of what she would bring to such a relationship that a man would want.

    Moxie’s overall advice is spot on: go out an live your life on your terms and accept that a long-term relationship might not be in the cards. Maybe one of those exotic unicorns she’s seen on her travels will take another look. It’s unlikely she’ll find him stateside.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  15. Just One Opinion Says:

    Breaking News…This just in:

    Marriage (or a relationship) does NOT equal automatic happiness and eternal joy.

    This morning my friend called me to report what had happened to her sister.

    Her sister (who is pregnant), caught her husband trolling for hookers and skyping his ex-girlfriend. He has been doing this on and off for about two years. The sister just left him.

    They have only been married for about two years.

    How did she meet this guy? The same way the OP attempted to meet her match. Only, my friend’s sister was “successful” at her goal.

    In my opinion, marriage and relationships are just another set of roads that can be travelled in life. Just roads with their own set of ups, downs, twists, turns, joys, sorrows, risks and rewards.

    We women need to let’s stop believing that if only we could “catch that guy” suddenly our lives would be worth living…

    Your life is simply just worth living…because it is your life. The great thing about the OP is that she is clearly living that way.

    Originally, the family of my friend’s sister was concerned that she would never settle down with a man, so they questioned, poked, and all that jazz. Not saying that they should not have, afterall sometimes it takes an outside person to remind you that you shouldn’t drift in life. But it is funny how life has its on plans no matter how much we try to control it. When the sister found the guy everyone rejoiced! She had triumped after all! How glorious, she had won! Things went along swimmingly, until….they didn’t.

    You never know. Sometimes being married will be the best thing that happens to you in life. Sometimes it will be a challenge. Sometimes it will be the best, most challenging thing that has happened to you. There just are no guarantees.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  16. Todd Says:

    It just seems to me like 39 year old Sara has no inner desire to really be with a man which is completely fine in the world we live in today. I think she’s at a point in her life where the men she meets will mutually not want a relationship in the traditional sense and an open dialogue between her and the guys she dates will probably help her get past the first or second date.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  17. Cynthia Says:

    The explanation is far easier: it all relates to culture. I am 41. I have lived and traveled to different places, to come to realized that we – i.e. the way we look and our personality – do better on certain markets than others. Of course, Claudia Schiffer does well everywhere she goes, but not all women do. In my case, I attract men like a magnet in Germany and Austria. I now live in a big Canadian city where I am a ghost. And I could go on. The point is: find the places where you attract men and vacation there, find a job there.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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