Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?

Name: Becky
Age: 23
State:
Question: I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. When I was younger it wasn’t big deal to me, but now it’s getting frustrating. About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average, I’m in shape, very feminine, and I have a great job in sales, this translates me to having great communication skills and can carry on a conversation with anyone without dominating the conversation. I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third. However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here. I’ve thought of 3 things I’m thinking could be the issue, but I’m wondering if there is something you can give me insight in that I’m not seeing.

1.      I’m terrible at the playing hard to get. When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.

2.      I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.

3.      I’m not sure I’m dating the right type of guys. I usually date guys much older than myself. The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s. I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually my gut about those guys was correct to begin with.

Are any of these a giant red flag that I shouldn’t be doing? Or maybe you’ve picked up on it being something completely different I haven’t even figured out yet. I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully. Thank you.

 

Before I answer your questions, I wanted to include a posting in a list serv I belong to called Help a Reporter. The gist of the list serv is that writers post story and article ideas and ask for feedback and contributions from writers, experts and lay people. Here’s one post that was in yesterday’s newsletter:

I’m writing an article for Match.com’s Happen mag about the
two-month mark as a relationship milestone that many
relationships just can’t make it past. What is it about the
8-week point that can bring on the fizzling of interest?

 

The first thing you should know is that your experience is not atypical. The two-month mark appears to be the norm nowadays. With all the options out there, people don’t have to commit as quickly, if at all. Many men and women actually like dating multiple people and casually dating. It works for them. The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing. If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected. If it’s commitment they want, and they’re dating on a schedule, they best get comfortable with the idea of “settling.”

Now, as for the three points you mentioned might be working against you.

Whether you text “too much” is subjective. I don’t know how these men are responding or the frequency of their responses. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t prolong text conversations and pay attention to cues. If his responses are clipped or delayed, I keep the conversation short and sweet. If he seems as engaged as I do, then I just enjoy the back and forth. Typically, though, I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone. I do think it’s wise to be a little less available. There’s no harm in maintaining  some mystery. Don’t let the guy know you’re hooked. You can let him know you’re interested. Just don’t play your hand too soon and let him know you’re ga ga.

As for the sex….that’s probably not an issue either. The idea that a man likes a challenge and will lose interest if you sleep with him too soon is a fallacy developed by women and insecure men. The more accessible women make sex, the less valuable it becomes in the dating market place. That means that sex is no longer the bargaining chip or “prize” that can be used to get certain behavior from men. Hence why so many women are trying to poison the well by telling women they need to keep their legs closed or risk never finding a manz. The idea of a “deep connection” and wanting to be recognized for “sharing your body” are romantic notions also manufactured by women. In other words, most men don’t think like that. So unless you’re attaching inordinate expectations to the sex, the sex itself isn’t the problem either. As long as you’re not romanticizing the act of having sex with a man and aren’t using it to gain something other than pleasure, you’re fine.

Your third point is more troubling. You’re admitting that you choose inappropriate men, yet you’re confused as to why these men aren’t sticking around. They’re not sticking around because they aren’t appropriate for you. Sure, you might think that they are more on your level in terms of stability and education. But they likely don’t feel the same about you. If anything, they’re dating you because you’re not mature enough.  We’ve discussed this before. Men don’t look too closely at a woman’s earning potential or education level when trying to determine compatibility. Those things fall pretty low on the list of priorities. You’re fun to hang out with and bang for a few months. Ultimately, the difference in maturity levels and lifestyles become too apparent to them. If they’re looking for someone to be the mother to their children, that driven career woman side of you is a negative. They’d rather find someone who wouldn’t mind putting their career on hold for a few years. So they’ll settle down with a woman who has already achieved a certain level of professional success or someone with no real career aspirations.

I think you’re biggest challenge is your ego and what you think you deserve. I think you tend to see yourself with a specific type of person. Someone who you feel is on your level. The problem is that most of the men you appear to pursue don’t find any of the things you find important as important. To them, you’re pretty much just a hot 23 year old. You’re fun for awhile, but then they find someone they can take seriously.

My advice is to start dating men who are more appropriate for you and get a clear understanding of what men consider important and attractive. Your diploma, job, apartment, etc are pretty much irrelevant to these men. You also need to understand, especially amongst the men you tend to gravitate towards, that commitment isn’t a priority. Either accept the fact that you’re going to be part of a harem or readjust your expectations as to what you “deserve.” And PS? You can develop your own harem, you know. Men did not corner the market on that idea. You’re 23 and really attractive. Jesus. Work it. Enjoy it. You can date a handful of guys that each meet a specific need. Just understand that if settling down and having kids is a priority, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices and compromises eventually.

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66 Responses to “Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?”

  1. Carlos Nunez Says:

    Ha; I thought six months was the point where hard work was required. Looks like time is running even faster these days.

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  2. India Says:

    I just attended my five year business school reunion. What I discovered is that like date/marry like. My guys friends – most of them on their early to mid 30’s – nearly all are either married to or dating age appropriate women. No one brought a 23 year old, and all of women are accomplished in their own ways.
    I work in a field dominated by men. I can’t think of a single 30 something co worker who is dating a 23 year old. Men with serious intentions and maturity understand who are compatible with them. Those seeking out really young women….well…may not have the right intentions in mind. I suggest the op seek more age and maturity appropriate men.

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    • Kurt Says:

      23 is probably too young. However, an accomplished man in his mid-30s would probably love to date and bring a woman to a reunion-type even even if she is 10 years younger if he thinks she will be loyal and appreciative. Why would a mid-30s man settle for a mid-30s woman if he can get a younger women who is likely much more attractive and probably also much nicer?

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      • India Says:

        I am merely reporting the facts. Out of a 500 people reunion, I did not see a single 23 year old girl friend or wife. Perhaps the men from my school are just deluded. Alternatively, to them, there is more to compatibility than a pretty smile.

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        • Chacha1313 Says:

          India, why even try to justify your post? Obviously the men at your reunion are not only chronologically mature but also emotionally and mentally mature by seeking peers as their partners instead of nubile arm candy. I totally agree with you. None of my male friends are looking for young hotties purely for youth and hotness. If someone falls for someone younger, which is rare in my circle of friends, it’s because they LIKE her and find her interesting.

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        • Elizabeth Says:

          Men who have to date much younger women have serious issues. They are often not appealing to women their own age and are looking to scam the niave, What they don’t realize that the much younger woman is seeing this guy as an ATM Machine and judges the Sugar Daddy on how much he spends and where takes her. If she is a real scammer….she will marry him….have a kid or two,,,,get a big settlement and run off with someone her age.

          I know this becuase I have seen the dating debris in the men who are habitually attracted to much younger women. John Edwards, Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump,

          Keep popping the Cialis and pumping out the $$$$$ PopsI

          This also goes for women who hang with much younger men…….The Boy Toys are looking for Quick sex and money. TRUST ME!!!!!

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      • Chacha1313 Says:

        Are you kidding? I’m hoping that was sarcasm because I can’t believe someone would actually admit, on a public forum, to being so shallow and ageist. PLEASE tell me that was a joke.

        You can’t possibly believe such an overwhelmingly, insipid generalization. If you pull a 25 YO woman out of hat and then a 35 YO woman, you *really* think you have a proportionately greater chance of the 25 YO being BOTH hotter AND nicer? Based on what?

        What if one woman is way cooler than the other? What if one is super smart? Funny? Loves some weird shit that you happen to love too? And on and on? What if *they* base their dating choices solely on hotness and age? How would you hold up id that was a woman’s sole criteria?

        If you are indeed single and wondering why, I guess Moxie is helping you by simply responding to your curiosity with the name of her website.

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    • Andrew Says:

      I don’t buy the 10 year age gap thing as the main obstacle. I think it lowers her chances, but there is more going on here. Maybe these guys can smell that you are more in love with the idea of having a longer relationship than actually with them. One thing to keep in mind, and this works for men and women.

      In the jungle, if you chase an animal, it will run.

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  3. LostSailor Says:

    I generally agree with Moxie’s points, except maybe about the texting. She says she “texts a lot.” Yes, the overeagerness is probably driving them away, not necessarily scaring them away. Especially if she’s been doing it with older guys; it signals flighty.

    But I’m more interested in what the Becky means by “successful dating.” Moxie terms this “commitment,” but that can mean different things. Exclusive dating, long-term relationship, marriage? It appears Becky just wants a “relationship” to last more than two months. Sorry, but 8 weeks of dating, even sleeping together isn’t a real relationship. If she’s never had a man who she considers–and who considers himself–her boyfriend, then I’d say she’s never had a real relationship with a man.

    She says that she’s attracted to men more than 10 years older “because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am.” I don’t really buy this. At 23 she considers herself at the same stable, mature place in life as a man in his mid-30s? I get that she’s probably more mature and “stable” than most of the men in a 23-25 year old cohort, but men in their mid-30s are in an entirely different place than I think she can comprehend. So I agree with Moxie that these men are happy to sleep with an attractive 23-year-old woman, but they’re not going to see her as “relationship” material.

    But the real issue is I think Becky needs to be clear with herself about what commitment means to her. Does a 3-month dating relationship count? Six months?

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Probably the most widely accepted truth about women is that from the teenage years on, they prefer older males. It’s the bane of life for teenage boys.

      Any reasons offered are most likely rationalizations.

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      • Elizabeth Says:

        The issue could also be economic! Men who are older are considered better catches by women who are not self sufficient. Women who are independent financially are not attracted to older men. Who wants thier ensuing health issues in a big age spread?

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        • Joey Giraud Says:

          In a way, that’s exactly what evolution says. In a hunter-gatherer society, older men have more power and strength; a better pre-historic economic catch.

          But this wouldn’t be a conscious decision. It’s more feeling based.

          And feelings are what really drive our decisions, men and women alike. We rationalize our choices after we make them.

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  4. Craig Says:

    1. Playing hard to get
    I’m not sure who came up with the idea that playing hard to get is a good idea to attract people. In my personal experience, those who play hard to get usually end up being hard to want. Just be yourself. That’s what you want someone to like you for – not some persona you’ve created. If a guy truly likes you, he’s going to love getting all your texts. If all your attention scares men off, it’s because they don’t like you.

    2. Jumping into bed too soon
    There’s no such thing as jumping into bed too soon. If a guy likes you, he will stay. If a guy doesn’t like you, he’s going to leave you. Period. When you choose to have sex, be it sooner or later, will not change that. How exactly does one ensure there’s a deeper connection before having sex? Just because you feel one, doesn’t mean the other person does. And unless you can read minds, you won’t know what they feel. Dating and sex comes with emotional risk – every time. There’s no way to avoid that risk. It’s just like gambling. So you might as well not overthink things and enjoy yourself as you roll the dice.

    3. Dating the right type of guys
    You are 23. You are not supposed to know what the right type of guy is yet. That’s what your 20s are all about – finding yourself and what you want in life. When we’re in our 20s, we barely know who we ae yet – so expecting to know what we want in a life partner is a stretch. The women I lusted after in my 20s would barely get a second glance from me now. That said, a guy over a decade your senior is probably not the right guy for you at your age. A 35+ year old man dating a woman barely out of college is not looking at her as a life partner – she’s likely little more than a hot piece of ass to brag to his friends about. That’s the role the OP has been playing. My advice to a 23 year old woman is to cap the age difference to about 7-10 years max if she wants any hope of being more than short-term arm candy. You don’t have limit yourself to just successful guys who have arrived – but at least make sure they’re going the same places you’re going. Good luck!

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  5. offensivedan Says:

    Well, the hurricane failed to take me out and I’m back. Man, you guys in NYC are lucky. You don’t have to deal with these storms.

    Speaking as a thirty-something year old male, I would date someone like Becky in a sec. If she could handle the age difference, so could I. But, generally, older guys date younger girls like Becky just for a piece.

    Becky you should not date older guys with kids–they are just looking for a piece and a mommy for their kids. They’ll want you to forgo a career and raise their kids.

    Can we see a pic of Becky? .

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Actually I’ve been through a few hurricanes in NYC. And several more in New England over the years.

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      • Rick Says:

        They are seldom the powerhouse when they get up there that they were down here, though. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but that would be like me saying we get snow too.

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  6. Trouble Says:

    Becky:

    I’ll tell you exactly what I told my 18 year old daughter when she dated a 25 year old briefly this summer: You don’t get serious with someone that much older, and he definitely has no plan to get serious with you.

    First, your guy-picker appears to be broken. You are drawn, for whatever reason, to guys that you know are unlikely to be a good choice for a longterm relationship. There are a lot of possible reasons that you might be choosing the guys you are: Maybe you don’t believe you deserve anyone better (so, self confidence is an issue). Or, because you want to be in control of the relationship (so you date down, sexually, to put yourself in a position of power with men). Or, you are re-enacting a relationship from your childhood. Who knows? Maybe you should figure it out, because it appears to be keeping you stuck in a rut of relationships that lead nowhere.

    The real question is why are you settling for guys that you know in your gut are bad news? Stop being so “open-minded.” Why on earth would you want to date a 30-something guy with kids at this point in your life? What are you looking for? What do you really want in a guy?

    Do you want someone who is going to give you an excuse to leave after 2 months?

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    • Maargen Says:

      Trouble. I’m curious about something.

      You say: “I’ll tell you exactly what I told my 18 year old daughter when she dated a 25 year old briefly this summer: You don’t get serious with someone that much older, and he definitely has no plan to get serious with you”

      When you told your daughter this, where you aware that “A young woman reaches full maturity, in terms of brain development, between 21 and 22 years of age. A young man does not reach full maturity, in terms of brain development, until nearly 30 years of age.” (http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Boys_Girls/)

      The article linked to above goes on to say that ” If you compare 30-year-old men and 22-year-old women, you won’t find dramatic differences in how long women and men can sit still, be quiet and pay attention. But ask the same question about 6-year-olds: how long can the average 6-year-old boy sit still, be quiet and pay attention – compared with the average 6-year-old girl?” (Notice it doesn’t say compare 22 yo women and 24 yo men)

      Now, I could understand if you told your daughter that at 18 you would not recommend that she get serious about anyone. But do you really prefer that if she does get serious, she do so with a guy younger than 25, who is likely to show less ability to practice impulse control, less able to process emotion, less ability to focus and pay attention, more prone to risk taking and more emotionally volatile than an older guy?

      Or where you giving your daughter advice based on ignorance?

      Ignorance is inevitable. None of us know as much as we need to know in order to make good decisions. Scientists have a lot of information, though, and thank goodness we live in a digital age, so a LOT of information is accessible to everyone. So instead of having unrealistic expectiations of ourselves and of each other, and judging each other based on these unrealistic expectations, we can take time to gather information.

      In the last 20 years or so, there has been an explosion learning by neuroscientists, biologists, biochemists, etc.that relate directly to human development, including cognitive ability, gender, human sexual behaviour, etc.

      It does take a loooong time for this information to percolate out of the scientific realm and into the general public, but the general public needs this information ten years ago.

      A site like this could be one that helps propagate relevant information, so that readers of this site gain valuable insight into why humans behave as they do, and have better information than the general public. In other words – readers could actually help each other LEARN somnething. Instead, this site reflects the same ignorance that’s rampant everywhere, judges people based on ignorance, and calls it ‘advice”.

      To confirm people in their incorrect, ignorant opinions isn’t just not helpful – it’s actually harmful.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        “But do you really prefer that if she does get serious, she do so with a guy younger than 25, who is likely to show less ability to practice impulse control, less able to process emotion, less ability to focus and pay attention, more prone to risk taking and more emotionally volatile than an older guy?”

        Even if men develop their superpowers later in life, there is no guarantee that they will use those powers for good. Being smarter, more self-awware, clever and calculating does not mean you’d be a better romantic partner for an 18-year old. Science probably shows that wolves have sharper predatory instincts than sheep. So what? I’m all about science myself but I don’t see the relevance of brain development to romantic relationships.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          There is no relevance other than Maargen, as she admitted before, was the college student who used to much date older guys and believed they were with her for her intelligence and maturity.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Yes and the sheep may believe the wolves are after all that precious wool. Either way, doesn’t work out so well for the sheep.

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        • Trouble Says:

          There are several studies that suggest that having a big age gap (younger woman/older man) exposes the woman to a greater risk of domestic violence, particularly during her reproductive years. I’m not going to link them all, but it’s an easy google search. It’s also clear that a 25-year-old guy, in most cases, is more sophisticated, particularly about sex, than an 18-year-old girl. There is a huge maturity and life experience gap between 25 and 18 that can easily set up a power differential in the relationship.

          There’s a reason that some older guys seek out much younger women, and it isn’t because they’re looking for an equal partner, because they aren’t equal.

          It lasted about a month, and then my daughter realized that there were some big issues with the guy and broke up with him to focus on guys her own age. And, i breathed a huge sigh of relief.

          She’s a college girl. It’s probably best if she dates guys who are at a similar place in life. They will have the most in common, and hopefully, it won’t get too serious.

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          • Maargen Says:

            Hey Trouble –

            First of all, it’s great to see someone disagree by making a valid point rather than a personal attack. (By valid I don’t mean ‘true’ – I don’t know how true your point is yet. But it certainly is relevant)

            I haven’t seen these studies about the big age gap and domestic violence that you mention, but I’ll definitely look into it – thanks for the tip (believe me, there’s nothing I value more than learning something new. And if I ever start thinking I know everything – or even enough – about any subject, that’s the day I stop learning. And start dying, as far as I’m concerned). It wouldn’t surprise me if culture has a lot to do with any age gap/violence correlation, but I’ll see.

            I was actually not at all suggesting that at 18 your daughter should get serious with someone older than 30. I don’t know how wise it is for her to get that serious about anyone.

            My point is that a closeness in age between males and females doesn’t necessarily represent closeness in maturity levels, and there are physiological reasons for this. If/when she dates someone close to her age, she might find herself surprised that he behaves in ways that she considers ‘immature’. And she’ll be right, but if she knows what she’s dealing with, it might help her have more patience with him rather than judge him as having a personal character flaw.

            And if when she hits her early 20s she finds it easier to get along with some guy in his late 20s or early 30s, you needn’t think that’s odd. Hopefully you’ll pay attention to what’s important – how he treats her – and not put it into her head that there’s something inherently wrong with a guy who’s 30 dating a 22 or 23 year old. There’s really not.

            But for now, I think your hope that things won’t get too serious – with anyone – makes the most sense.

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            • Trouble Says:

              I won’t put anything into my daughter’s head about a 30 year old who wants to date her in her early 20s, but I might put a baseball bat into his. Thanks for sharing, though. It’s been interesting.

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              • Maargen Says:

                Ouch.

                This reminds me of the attitude of people who would attack homosexuals for deviating from what heterosexuals considered acceptable sexual behaviour. Thank goodness we know more about human sexuality now, right?

                A 30 year old male dating a 22-23 year yo woman should be attacked with a bat? I know you’re being hyperbolic and don’t mean that, but I can’t help wondering why you’d think it even odd, if the guy treats her well. It’s actually quite common.

                (For those of you who think people only support their own personal choices, I guess I need to clarify: my acceptance of homosexuality does not mean I am gay. Whether or not I accept it doesn’t matter – it’s a natural part of life and will happen. If people feel the need to condemn it because it’s not what THEY do, that says a lot about them. I don’t judge people based on what I choose for myself. I leave that kind of judging to others.

                The same goes for men/women dating people who are much older or younger. Men are constantly being judged by women in their 40s for being attracted to women in their 20s. There is nothing more natural than this. Compatible adults are compatible adults – regardless of the age difference between them).

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                • India Says:

                  If you read the op’s post, dating much older men is NOT working for her and she is not happy. Male commenters here have mostly noted that they would not take some one as young as the op seriously for a long term relationship. If the op is so compatible and so happy with her older men, she would not have written in for advice.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              Calling back the fact that you have a vested interest in your particular opinion isn’t a personal attack. And even if it were, you bring them on yourself by frequently making negative comments directed at other posters. If you’re so in need of more intellectual conversation, leave. Your sad and transparent attempt to challenge authority is tedious. You’ve already shared enough about your own history for most of us to realize that emotional maturity isn’t exactly your area of expertise. A 45 year old woman who says something to a man like ‘I can’t wait to wake up with you” and then becomes unhinged at the fact that he then expects sex really has no business lecturing anybody about emotional maturity. And no, that’s not a personal attack either. That’s someone citing evidence, evidence that you provided willingly , that you’re talking out your ass.

              See if you can find an article about the dangers of dishing it out but not being able to take it.

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        • Maargen Says:

          YOU DON’T SEE THE RELEVANCE OF BRAIN DEVELOPMENT TO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS???

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          • India Says:

            There are plenty of young men in their 20’s defending the country, practicing medicine, and doing other complex things for the society. Facts show that they are not the immature, impulsive children until they are 30.
            You are quoting some pseudoscience to justify your views.

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            • Maargen Says:

              India:

              How much knowledge of science is informing your post?

              What do you know of the effect of experience, and about brain plasticity?

              Do you gather information before forming an opinion?

              Disagreement is perfectly fine with me. If you give me something to chew on that furthers my awarness, you give me something that I consider valuable. As it is, I do not beleive that young men in their 20s are “immature, impulsive children until 30″

              But I am already aware of young men and women defending their country. I am also aware of the PTSD they suffer, and of behaviour leading up to scandals like Abu Ghraib and others. I have actually studied a heck of a lot about concerns about the rigors of service on brains that young.

              Have you?

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Nitpicky. I think my point was clear, your all-caps “counterargument” notwithstanding. Your science, even if accurate, doesn’t support your conclusion. “Mature” has many meanings not all of them so good.

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          • LostSailor Says:

            I don’t see the relevance of brain volume or the gender difference of the trajectory of development of brain size has to do with romantic relationships…

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      • LostSailor Says:

        “A young woman reaches full maturity, in terms of brain development, between 21 and 22 years of age. A young man does not reach full maturity, in terms of brain development, until nearly 30 years of age.”

        Unfortunately, the study the article refers to does not discuss cognitive ability or emotional maturity, but is focused instead solely on brain size and the trajectory of development of brain volume. The development of brain volume does indeed peak earlier for women. Of course the study also points out that men have 8-10% more brain volume at full maturity. The article then draws conclusions about sitting still, being quiet, and paying attention, as if these are assumed to be the only hallmarks of maturity. Unfortunately, the conclusions are not supported by the studies the article cites.

        So, there’s ignorance, and then there’s fishing the internet for supposed authorities to support preconceived ideas. Even if those authorities are misleading in support of their own agenda.

        Trouble’s advice to her daughter is far from ignorant. It’s pretty common sense.

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        • Maargen Says:

          Hmm..

          Getting better. You’ve read the article at least, which is a start in the right direction.

          Now – did you make up your mind before reading it that you wanted to disagree with me. and therefore would pick the article for ways in which to do so?

          Not uncommon (or unexpected – just another instance of confirmation bias at work :http://www.sciencedaily.com/articles/c/confirmation_bias.htm). I know enough about motivated reasoning (http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersection/2011/04/18/the-science-of-why-we-deny-science-motivated-reasoning/) to know that the person who is able to consider a different perspective without the knee-jerk reaction of first denying it is very, very rare. It takes time and disciplined thinking to avoid the first reaction, and reason instead.

          Did you expect to learn all you need to know about the connection between brain development and impulse control and emotional processing from ONE article?

          It takes a heck of a lot more than that to get an understanding of what the current scientific body of information is on this stuff. I sent you an article that gives partial information about the different rates of brain development between the sexes. Do you choose to argue with me based on one article? Or do you choose to get more information and educate yourself?

          Ignorance about everything is the default human condition. This is nothing to be ashamed of. What’s shameful is clinging to opinions made from the position of ignorance. There is a huge difference between having an opinion, and having an INFORMED opinion.

          This site certainly spends a lot of time judging and opining on human behaviour. How much time have you and others on this site spent on LEARNING about human biology, physiology, biochemistry, cognition etc. and how these factors effect human behavior (and I mean ALL human behaviour – including social, sexual, political, economic, etc.)?

          If someone comes along and speaks from a different perspective, do you do choose to attack that person despite having spent very little time learning about any of this stuff, or do you welcome the opportunity to consider a different approach?

          Do you defend ignorance – or welcome learning?

          There are some of us out here who are not interested in judging, or arguing from positions of defensiveness, or right’, ‘wrong’, etc. We’re actually interested in learning from each other.

          Imagine that you’ve encountered someone whose agenda is to get people to think and learn before jumping to conclusions about each other. Of COURSE you’re going to attack – that’s a very common reaction. I expect nothing else (which is why Trouble’s response to my post is so refershing!). Those of you who show yourselves incapable of doing nothing BUT attack I just ignore.

          But hey – you read an article didn’t you? If anyone who reads that article starts understanding that what goes on beneath the surface is very relevant in interpreting and understaning observable behaviour, and chooses to start the process of learning more, then I consider that a win for the side of reason and learning.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Well, I read your scary article but didn’t need to because I already know that “impulse control” is underdeveloped in younger males. As others have pointed out, a lack of impulse control leads to all sorts of “bad” decisions such as joining the military or getting married. Oh wait, aren’t those “good” things?

            Let me help you because you’re struggling. You need to explain WHY being able to sit still for a while, and having better impulse control makes you a more “appropriate” romantic companion for an 18 year old woman.

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            • Maargen Says:

              “You need to explain WHY being able to sit still for a while, and having better impulse control makes you a more “appropriate” romantic companion for an 18 year old woman.”

              As I said to Trouble, my point is NOT that a 30 year old is a more appropriate companion for an 18 yo woman.

              If Trouble had said that she told her daughter at 18 that she shouldn’t get serious with anyone, I wouldn’t have questioned it. But why is getting serious about a guy who’s 18 – 22 a BETTER idea? I think BOTH ideas are bad, for different reasons.

              Sure young people get married, since love isn’t completely about rationality – nor should it be. But with the statistics on divorce and ‘starter marriages’ being what they are, do you actually recommend young marriages as a good thing?

              I don’t think divorce is the worse thing that can happen – staying in a bad marriage might be worse. But it does cause a lot of pain and disruption, especially when there are kids involved. Is the expectation of people who marry young, have kids, and suppose they’ll stay together ’til death do us part’ a realistic one?

              If/when they get divorced, is there acrimony and blame between them, or do they understand that there are reasons for the other person’s behaviour that are neither obvious, conscious, or within that person’s control?

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          • LostSailor Says:

            I read the article. And I read the studies the article linked to. Which is why I call the article and the judgments you draw from it misleading. So, allow me to repeat: the underlying studies were not about cognitive or emotional development of brain function as the article and your quotes from it imply. The “maturity” the first study speaks of is simply the end of growth in brain volume, nothing more.

            As for the rest of your response: tl:dr. Are we in a manic phase today?

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      • elizabeth Says:

        This is a lot of psycho babble! The Mom gave good sense advice! It reads like a it was written by a 30 or 40 plus guy who is a geek and can only get laid by a very young stupid women….preferably drunk!

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  7. Kurt Says:

    I know plenty of men who want a relationship and don’t play the field. However, women like the OP probably don’t want those guys!

    I suspect that the OP comes across as crazy or immature when she constantly texts and that is probably very annoying to the men.

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    • Chacha1313 Says:

      I don’t know whether the science has much to with what the OP needs or not. Personally it sounds much simpler than that. She is looking for a meaningful relationship with men, who are not only older than her, but men who she senses are not what she is looking for and is then disappointed when things don’t work out.

      I agree with most of what Moxie says. As far as too much texting, no that does not make you seem crazy as others say but yes, especially for an older man, it may seem overly eager or immature or just presumptuous if the relationship hasn’t naturally arrive at that kind of ongoing daily communication (as Moxie points out).

      The *honeymoon* period can be so much fun and flirty. And sure, sometimes that includes cute texts/emails/calls throughout the day but only if you’re *both* on the same page re: your interest in each other, how demonstrative and affection you both are, etc. It sounds as if you are perhaps not reading cues. Frankly, most women know, if a guy comes on strong in the beginning with a barrage of texts and emails and proclamations of love and desire, it’s usually a HUGE red flag waving and blinking “RUN!”. So even if you’re excited and it’s just the “way you are”, maybe dial it back until you see the same interest from him (again as Moxie suggests).

      Sex. I don’t think sex/no sex, which date, etc. is the determining factor and I don’t think the “hard to get” thing works unless, again, you’ve got one of those guys who gets off on games and drama and you don’t want that guy. But sex is also about cues. With most people, unless they are deliberately playing you, it’s easy to pick up on whether someone’s interested in you or interested ONLY in sex with you. Both are fine as long as, once again, your on the same page.

      So I think your first 2 questions are easily answered by the same advice. Watch, listen, pay attention to the depth (or lack of depth) of your conversation, does he look you in the eye, does he laugh at your jokes, does he seem happy to see you, is he engaged when you sleep together or are you guys just “doing it”?

      Finally, and I think more importantly, is the fact that you say you like older men because of where they are in their lives, yet you usually know that they aren’t right for YOU. You also, as Moxie pointed out, seem to come at this from a place that is all about getting someone to like you for more than 8 weeks. What about focusing on getting yourself to like a man for more than 8 weeks. Why is it all in *his* hands”?

      There seems to ne a lot of that kind of male-centric thinking from the female OPs on this site no matter how often Moxie encourages against it, promotes the idea of women not being so eager to put all their eggs in one basket, not defining yourself by whether you can *keep* a man for more than a couple of months, etc.

      And why exactly *do* you keep dating guys that go against your gut? That’s not being open to giving people a chance, it’s just self-sabotaging. Moxie pointed out that your choices may be ego based in that you think you deserve a man who is mature and self-sufficient because you see yourself in that category, that you see yourself being beyond the men your own age.

      This may ring true for you. I certainly sympathize. I wouldn’t want to go back to dating men in their early 20s. But maybe the ego problem is of another variety. Maybe you DON’T think highly enough of yourself to *believe* that you deserve the *right* man whatever age he may be. Maybe the over-eager texts ( which you know ring of immaturity to an older man) and being too willing to have sex with someone who your gut says is not the guy and continually choosing the wrong guy, as mentioned earlier, is all part of the self sabotage.

      Do you *really * want a committed relationship right now or do you just feel like it’s what you’re *supposed* to do? And if you do want it, yet are cognizant enough to not only recognize your own Red Flags, but share them with a website of strangers, maybe it is *you* that you should be examining.

      From where I stand, out here in the anonymous interwebs, you clearly know the potential pitfalls of your dating patterns. So if you truly wanted a committed relationship that badly, you would simply avoid your patterns as in: Don’t bug the shit out of some guy with funny, little adorable texts all day if he doesn’t think it’s cute and/or seems unengaged, don’t jump into bed with someone if YOU’RE not feeling it unless you are feeling like you just wanna jump into bed and that’s ALL.

      But mostly, listen to your gut. It’s our 6th sense and it is almost always right. Ask yourself why you’re getting into a relationship with a man who you know feels wrong for you. Why keep doing it if you know it’s going to end with you feeling rejected or feeling like you did something wrong or, worse, that something’s wrong with you. Most importantly, take a long hard look at how this pattern *is* affecting your ego. Are you trying to feed it, build it up? Or are you knowingly trying to crush it because you don’t deserve to get what you want and you make sure you don’t get it by continuing to ignore your own instincts.

      Everyone here is right about being in your 20s. Don’t be in such a rush. Let yourself explore. Let it happen organically. And try not to be so hard on yourself. Try not to try so hard and just *be* yourself. There’s nothing more attractive and sexy than someone who is confident in their own skin.

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  8. joe-f Says:

    I am 35 so I am in your age range. On the first point, don’t text so much. I can’t speak for all guys my age but we didn’t grow up with text so it is not as good as a conversation for us. Too much texts signals immaturity.

    We might look good to you now because there is a lot we can teach you but once you reach your thirties and we are nearing fifty, we might not seem so hot to you. I think you should consider a 26 year who has the potential to be a great 30 something year old. You can’t be the only mature twenty something year old.

    Honestly, I could never take a 23 year old seriously even a mature one. In my mid-thirties, i was looking a long-term partner who would be my wife. Not really interested in teaching or going through 20s with someone.

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    • elizabeth Says:

      Does not anyone get it? This girl maybe just looking for a wallet? Men always think that the young girls think they are hot and cool……and the girls may just want the run of the credit card! Sorry guys!

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  9. LongLostFriend Says:

    The advice is completely wrong on point number 2. It isn’t about withholding sex as “leverage” to secure a man’s commitment. Rather, a woman who regularly has sex with men by the second date sends the signal that she lacks self-restraint, which could signal a lack of loyalty to a commitment-friendly man. Promiscuous women are bad bets as “wife” material, not matter how much fun they are to date and sleep with.

    As I anticipate sputtering about “double standards” and “living in the 1950s,” let me remind the reader that women do not get to decide what men want in a life partner, any more than men get to decide what women desire. If most men who are looking for the LTR are passing over women who are easily sexually accessible to the men that they date, then the poster has a choice to make: (1) start to change your own sexual habits to be more attractive; or (2) don’t change a thing under the rallying cry of “never changing for a man” or “being true to yourself” or whatever, and stop complaining when the vast majority of the men you want don’t want what “yourself” is.

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  10. D. Says:

    I’m a 34-year-old man. About two years ago, I tried — against my better judgment — to date a recently-24-year-old. It did not go past 3 “dates” (and one of those was sort of a weird not-quite booty call).

    Mostly, it did not go well for the reasons Moxie described. It’s not an issue of “maturity,” either. A woman in her early 20s may be extremely mature for her age. Poised, intelligent, well-composed, insightful, etc.

    But note what I said: FOR HER AGE.

    The bottom line, at least in my experience, is that maturity is nice, but it doesn’t make up for experience and wisdom. And that’s not a knock on women in their early 20s, either. There is a simple, unavoidable, incontrovertible fact that these women face:

    They have not been on the planet as long as the guy has.

    Even a woman in her early 20s who’s gone through a lot will still not have the volume of experience that a guy in his early-to-mid 30s is likely to have. Certainly, that’s the way HE will perceive it, regardless of what SHE thinks. And in the end, it will likely be that difference in experience that will split them up. It certainly did for me. We got into fights where I was saying to myself “Didn’t I already DO this shit ten years ago?”

    So, my advice for the OP:

    1. Are you texting too much? Yes. But not for the reasons you think. Moxie gives good advice on what an “appropriate” amount of texting is. And it’s based entirely on your specific relationship with the other person. There are no rules of thumb. However, if your primary mode of communication is text, expect a guy in his 30s to get weary of it. See, we actually remember using telephones to communicate. We’ve also learned (often the hard way) that text/email/IM are highly prone to “What did you mean by THAT?!” problems. Pick up the phone and call if you want to talk. If you’re uncomfortable doing that because it seems too invasive, then chances are you’re really uncomfortable with contacting him too much in general. Back off a little, take a breath, and then enjoy your time together in person.

    2. Are you sleeping with the guy too soon? Maybe. The guy isn’t thinking about you the way you think he is with respect to sex, though. Guys don’t look at a girl and think “She slept with me on the first date. NOW I DON’T RESPECT HER! MWAHAHAHAH!!” It’s more like “Sweet! I’m getting laid tonight!” I’ve had a long-term relationship with a girl I slept with on a first date, and I’ve had girls I dated for 4-5 dates that I never slept with, but also ended up just not being that into. For the guy, WHEN you have sex is less of his concern (well, outside of generally wanting sex). What’s more important is how YOU feel about it. Do YOU feel it’s too soon? Then don’t have sex. If you’re thinking “He may not respect me,” my bet is that’s more about YOU not respecting yourself. And if that’s the case, hey, no problem. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. Don’t push yourself to do something you don’t really want to. Or do, and learn from the consequences (which will be part of gaining that experience I was talking about before). Either way, make it a decision about you and what you want, rather than trying to elicit a response from him.

    3. Are you picking the wrong guys? Depends on what you want. If you want something serious and long term….yeah. You are. Guys my age aren’t getting serious with girls your age. Not for any long-term thing, anyway. The experience gap is too big to bridge. We’re at VERY different stages of life from you. And again, that’s not a criticism so much as it’s a simple statement of fact. You’re starting your career. We’re entering the middle phase of ours. You’re relatively recently out of school. We had our ten year college reunion years ago. You’re just starting to date in the adult world (rather than the collegiate or post-grad world). We’ve been doing it for over a decade. It’s just different. Not better, not worse. Just different, and usually too different to last for any extended period of time. That’s not a criticism of you, either. The guys you’re dating are just looking for something different is all.

    Try dating a guy who’s maybe in his…hmm…late twenties. If you’re 24, shoot for a guy around 27. There ARE guys that age (and even younger) who want to settle down, you know. They may not be as ready for it as they think (and the same may apply to you, even), but what the hell. You can both be not-quite-ready-but-doing-it-anyway together. :)

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  11. Kristen Says:

    In my mid-20’s, I dated someone 9 years older than me, and we were together for about a year. The key difference was he was at MY maturity level–living in an apartment, drinking with his buddies (also emotionally stunted) 5 nights a week, etc. For context, I live in a smaller city where a lot of people in their 30s own their homes, so that’s why living in an apt is significant. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a smart guy. But, he was nowhere near where I am in experience and maturity now that I’m about the same age as he was when we were together. Men who are emotionally in their mid-30s are probably going to find it hard to see eye-to-eye with someone in their early-to-mid 20s.

    I found my niche with 27-year old guys, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. That’s a decent age for guys, because they’re still having fun, but are settling down a little because a lot of them see 30 as when they have to grow up (from my experience). Take advantage of your age and date those guys!!!

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  12. Crotch Rocket Says:

    I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months.
    Sorry, but two months is not really a relationship; that’s just dating.

    About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average,
    That’s what everyone thinks.

    I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third.
    Okay, so you probably are better looking than average.

    However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here.
    That’s not so obvious to most women; you’re well ahead of the pack by recognizing this.

    I’m terrible at the playing hard to get.
    The idea that men want women who “play hard to get” is a lie women tell themselves and each other. In my experience, women who “play hard to get” either do not want to be caught or aren’t worth catching. The truth is that women like men who “play hard to get”, so they assume the same is true for men. No, it’s just that most men are willing to put up with this game, like many other stupid games women play, to get laid–but in the process you will lose our respect.

    When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.
    This is a likely problem, and I suspect it’s because you don’t have many (platonic) male friends. Guys generally communicate for a specific purpose, and it drives us nuts when women (over-)communicate just for the sake of doing so–as they do with their female friends.

    However, communicating like a healthy, sane person does not equate to “playing hard to get”.

    I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.
    No, they wouldn’t have. This is another lie women tell themselves and each other. The guy had already evaluated the potential for a relationship long before you two got naked. The only exception is that if the sex is bad or you get really clingy afterward, in which case that, not sleeping with the guy “too soon”, is what ruined things. And you sound like the type to get clingy.

    The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s.
    We mid-30s guys appreciate that. A few of us will even consider the possibility of a relationship with you, but most will not.

    I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance.
    Well, you’re not really in a place where you have to do that. You’re using a 30s dating strategy when you’re in your 20s. You can afford to be picky now; if you’re as great as you think you are, there should be top-tier guys lined up around the block to date you.

    I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully.
    First, you need a clear definition of what “better” and “more successfully” mean to you. There are many possibilities, and what you need to do will vary accordingly.

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  13. Crotch Rocket Says:

    The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing.
    You are perpetuating the dangerous myth that men fear/dislike commitment. Men have no problem committing to the right woman. If a woman is not finding men who want to commit, then that simply means she is not the kind of woman that men want to commit to–and blaming the men for that problem, while other women are drowning in options, means that will never change.

    If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected.
    Indeed. And that’s particularly true if those women continue to ignore (or willfully misunderstand) what it is that men value and makes men commit.

    I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone.
    I’d go even further and say to save it for when you’re face to face. Restrict the texting and phone calls to setting up the next date; if there is anything else to discuss, you can do so on said date. Excessive communication builds a false sense of intimacy and distracts you from what is actually happening.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      You are perpetuating the dangerous myth that men fear/dislike commitment.

      No, I’m stating an observation. Yes, we know that men fear committing to the right woman. Mean who actually desire commitment, that is. And that number is dwindling. Not out of fear but a lack of necessity.

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  14. elizabeth Says:

    Has anyone had the nerve to tell you that you are very jaded about anyone having a great committment? You don’t appear to be very encouraging to people who are looking for happily ever after. I know it is hard….but it does happen. Lighten up!!!!

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      No. You’re the very first person whose been brazen enough to disagree with me. You go girl!

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  15. Todd Says:

    “2. I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.”

    Bingo!

    Women hold the power of sex and Men hold the power of commitment. When a Man finds a girl and is able to sleep with her in a short period of time he labels her not worthy of commitment. This is the battle of the sexes. There are 2 types of Men out there. One type of guy looking to sleep with as many women as possible and as quickly as possible using game on her with zero interest in commitment. The other type of guy seeking a relationship and also using game to see if he can sleep with her quickly, which is a test, to see if she is worthy of commitment. If the second type of guy can sleep with her in a short period of time by using game and she fails his test, he moves on. Women seeking a relationship and commitment need to hold their power longer by not sleeping with Men so fast. It will weed out the first type and she will pass the test of the second type.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “Women hold the power of sex and Men hold the power of commitment.”

      Aw, not quite applicable, but someone’s been reading the manosphere blogs. E for effort!

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      • Todd Says:

        How is it not applicable?

        Dismiss my point all you want, but a high value man that sleeps with a girl by the end of the second date is not going to commit to her for a long term relationship. If the guy is desperate that’s one thing, but i’m talking about a well rounded man. Hey may date her for a few months, but ultimately he will begin to consider her partner count and the easiness with which he was able to give herself to him. She will have much better results if she waits a little longer before giving herself to a man, her value to him will be much higher.

        I’m just trying to help her understand and give sound advice as to why she’s having a problem developing a ltr.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          High Value? Well rounded? Give herself to him? Do tell, Mr. Darcy.

          Yes, well rounded men wait as long as possible to have sex to ensure the woman isn’t a slut. He’ll test her virtue by seducing her, then he’ll turn around and use the fact that she slept with him against her. Not because he has actually verified her partner count, but because of her presumed partner count. That sounds totally logical.

          It’s always good to let our imagination and insecurities help us make decisions and not actual facts based in reality.

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          • Todd Says:

            “Yes, well rounded men wait as long as possible to have sex to ensure the woman isn’t a slut. He’ll test her virtue by seducing her, then he’ll turn around and use the fact that she slept with him against her. Not because he has actually verified her partner count, but because of her presumed partner count.”

            That’s exactly right. I’m not saying it’s reasonable and just by any means, but that’s how it is in the real world. And yes, high value well rounded men do judge women based on how a woman values her sexuality. If she gives up her value early and they barely know each other, he’ll perceive her as having a high partner count, which is the biggest turnoff to men after looks.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              I’m not saying it’s reasonable and just by any means, but that’s how it is in the real world.

              Who’s real world are we talking about?

              Most men are too busy enjoying the sex they’re having to worry or wonder about how many men a woman has slept with.

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              • DowntownAngel Says:

                This may be true that “most men” are like that, but most_men_that_are_looking_to_commit are not like that at all. They will judge based on how easy a woman appears to be

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            • elizabeth Says:

              Hey Todd…………

              Thank you for speaking for the culture that I know! This is not a fairness test,,,it is just the reality of the crowd I know.

              However, this may fall apart for women who are just out for fun and have completely disconncected their sexuality from their emotional attachment.

              There are women who screw like men. And they have the same serious committment issues of men. AND the same STDs as the men they screw!!!!!

              Thank you for confirming my findings. My bothers have always told me that if I wanted to to test a man’s sincerity….make him wait even if you don’t want to. It is also the test of your own sincerity. I hate having to give up mind blowing sex with someone I can’t stand. When the Oxytocin (cuddle hormone) kicks in after an orgasm you can end up attached to a real jerk!!!

              I don’t know anyone who has regretted taking it slow to have sex. I know lots of people who ended up feeling like…opps!

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        • Selena Says:

          Todd,

          As a high value, well-rounded man…have you yourself committed to a woman? Are you married? Engaged? Co-habitating with commitment? (Opposed to co-habitating for economic/convenience reasons).

          I ask because your post sounds very theorical to me – not something you have actual experience with yet.

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          • Todd Says:

            I am currently single, but dating 4 women with which I have an interest in. My advice is just through the interpretation of my own experiences as a man.

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            • elizabeth Says:

              My guess is that somewhere in Todd’s upbringing he was taught about being a gentleman. I know that may sound archaic to some……but then I was raised wtih the standard of being a lady.

              if your parents handed you a condom when you reached puberty…you will never understand this!

              Hey the whore / Madonna idea has been arounf for a long time.

              i used to get upset with married men who cheated on the little wife. Then I discovered some their wives were doing the same thing! Morality is relative.

              We make conscious decisions on what is right behavior.

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            • Selena Says:

              So the answer is no. You haven’t as yet, committed to anyone.

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    • D. Says:

      Not bingo.

      I do not myself, and know no other men, who actually do this. Not once have I EVER said or heard any guy I know say “I dunno, man. I thought there was real potential…but then she had sex with me too soon. Ah well.” That seems an invention designed to perpetuate some illusion of control. Which, I suppose fits a view of relationships as a matter of shifting power and control at different times (e.g., women control when sex happens; men control when relationships happen).

      Relationships aren’t about control and power. Not the good ones, anyway. If one wants a good relationship, one must actually give up control. All the focus on control and tests as a means of maintaining it strike me as terrific ways to ensure you don’t get hurt. Which means they’re terrific ways to ensure you don’t end up in a relationship at all.

      There is no such thing as a relationship without at least the POTENTIAL to break your heart. If you’re really willing to risk it and find a meaningful relationship (as opposed to casual dating and/or sex), that means risking getting hurt, which means giving up control (or more likely the illusion of control).

      I do hope you’re just speaking in assumed generalities here, rather than actually doing this yourself. Because if the test thing implies that you have sex with the girl and then dump her for having had sex with you….well, that’s just fucking pathological and manipulative. I mean, bad enough to lay out a test, attempt to seduce a girl, she’s about to go for it, and you break it off saying “You, madam, are no lady!” That’d be stupid bourgeois Victorian sexual morality. But to bang the girl and THEN break it off because she slept with you? That’s HYPOCRITICAL bourgeois Victorian sexual morality. And claiming “Well, I was concerned about her partner count” don’t cut it either, bub. If you were that concerned, you’d have asked up front and then NOT slept with her when she said some number with which you were uncomfortable. Again, all that stuff strikes me either as a mechanism to avoid relationships under the pretense of control, or a crass manipulation of someone for sex under the guise of being a “Decent Guy” who wants a relationship, when you’re really just a cad.

      Of course, if none of this applies to you directly, then hey, carry on.

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      • Todd Says:

        Ok.

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      • Todd Says:

        The criteria to whom I commit my exclusivity has nothing to do with power or control in my dating life or relationships. I would rather describe it as value instead. I do not manipulate anyone and my description of a “test” is more of an inner consciousness that I described. As far as sex and dating, as a man with inherent desires, I am not going to avoid my needs or deny them. In a way, i’m just playing by the rules in the market that are acceptable in society today, which is the hookup dating culture.

        I”m surprised my advice received negative feedback. What I am telling the girl and other women here is that they should value their sexuality longer because it is the strongest player in the market. By doing so she will filter out the players and find men who are mutually interested in something beyond sex. Now this is only for women that really want to find a relationship seeking man. If you’re just into dating and nothing serious, then by all means do whatever you want to do. I’m just saying that valuable men, that have options, judge women and are acutely aware of such things. If you disagree that’s perfectly fine and it only means that you’re market value is much different than mine.

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  16. DowntownAngel Says:

    I have several male friends who openly admit that if a girl had sex with them on 1st or 2nd date they would be less likely to treat her well and get serious and thought of her as “easy” (their words not mine). Men like to fu#$k “easy”, they just don’t like to marry “easy”. That is one of the OP’s problems. Her second problem is that she’s dating men who are way too old. The issue here is not the age difference per se ,the issue is that single men over 30 are a lot less likely to commit, and the older they are the worse it gets. The OP is still young, she doesn’t have to date this commitment-phobic bunch. She should go for guys 26-30, which is the prime age for men to get married these days (on the east coast at least, i am imagining its lower in the middle of the country). Lastly, being a “career woman” is no longer a negative, not in her generation. Cost of living in most large cities is absurd and men are fully aware that 2 incomes are better than one. Again, several of my male friends said it was comforting for them to know that their g/f or wife could support herself and the family if needed.

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