How Far Will A Man Go To Avoid Being The Bad Guy?

Name: jennifer
Age: 29
State: mi
Question: I meet a young man in June, we hit it off really well. A few weeks past of us hanging out constantly and so I finally “gave myself to him”. July passed every thing was great, I got pregnant(oops) and lost the baby at 7 weeks. Pretty much since I lost the baby my boyfriend has become distant, in the last few days hes been just telling me the things I wanna here, has nothing going on except taking care of his sibling and has not called or came over. He says I love you, tells me I have to be strong because of circumstances. My question is is this his way of saying he had his fun its over?


I would think so, yes. He’s in a no win situation. You and he got pregnant after dating barely 2 months. He likely never intended for things to get serious. Now he has to to stick it out for a period of time so that he won’t look totally heartless.

There was a letter a couple months ago from a guy who met a girl online, took her out once, had unprotected sex with her and got her pregnant. He did what it sounds like your guy is doing. He stuck around for a couple weeks until she got the abortion, gave it about another week and then broke up with her. He was going to end things anyway, but then she revealed she was pregnant. Now he’s stuck. No matter when he broke things off, he’d still always be the guy who got her pregnant and then dumped her.And when he did end things – a week after her procedure – you can be sure she immediately threw that abortion in his face. That was a last ditch effort to try and guilt him into staying with her. He did everything he could to prevent things from escalating and tried to answer every question she asked. Including the toughest question:

“But whhhyyyyyyy?”

The answer was simple. He said he didn’t see any kind of future with her and that he was going to end things earlier, but he waited due to her pregnancy and because he wanted to do the right thing. When she pulled out the “but you got me pregnant” card a second time, he told her exactly what I instructed him to tell her. He said, “Well, I don’t really know that for a fact, do I? If you slept with me without a condom on the first date, it’s not a far stretch to assume you’ve done it with others. I could have just walked away from you and I didn’t.” And like I predicted, that shut her right up. As usual, women get the truth that they say they crave, and then realize they didn’t really want it.

What men fear most about being honest with women is that they know, regardless of what they say, most women will hear what they want and likely hate them any way. Be honest and the woman will accuse them of leading them on for their own benefit.  Lie and the woman will probably still think they’re being deceptive in some way. That’s why many men avoid these tricky conversations all together. Cowardly? In some cases. But in most, the men know that they still will be branded an asshole. They take the hit regardless. They pray the woman will take the hint and go away quietly. And frankly, she should. Insisting upon an explanation is merely our ego talking. We must be acknowledged. It’s not enough to walk away with dignity. We need that acknowledgement to reassure us that we meant something to that man, even though we’re probably not even getting the truth.

Your guy is trying to detach from you as painlessly as possible. So let him. You knew the answer to the question before you hit Submit on the form.


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16 Responses to “How Far Will A Man Go To Avoid Being The Bad Guy?”

  1. Amy Says:

    I also think the whole experience probably freaked the guy out COMPLETELY. His life probably flashed before his eyes (no matter WHAT he told you about sticking with you or whatever). So now that he dodged a bullet (not making light of the loss of your pregnancy – I’m sorry), he probably is traumatized and wants to leave the entire situation behind and start fresh somewhere else.
    If things had been completely different, and no pregnancy was involved, perhaps the relationship might have blossomed. But now….I sincerely doubt it.

    And…did she really say ‘oops’ to getting pregnant two months after meeting a guy? Ouch.

  2. Joey Giraud Says:

    Avoiding being the bad guy might be more about not feeling like the bad guy then doing it out of worry of what others think.

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      I really gotta start reading the whole article before posting. You made the same point.

      I really appreciate that you ( Moxie ) have whatever kind of strength it is you possess to write these sorts of posts. You risk harsh punishment from the sisterhood.

      This guy has also had to deal with plenty of emotional manipulation from GFs and wives. While it would be nice if people had more self-awareness, I really can’t blame them for doing it; we are all made the way we’re made. And I suppose keeping a man around has been a matter of life and death in the distant past.

      But that’s why I’m single, again.

  3. Trouble Says:

    First, I’m sorry for your loss. A miscarriage, even in an unplanned situation like this one is a painful and tragic thing, and I’m sorry you went through that.

    Second, I’m sure it was hard for him to handle, because on some level, he was intimately involved in both the creation and the loss of the pregnancy, and both, to some degree, were out of his power, but the loss of the pregnancy I’m sure caused you suffering, which was probably difficult for him to watch. It sounds to me like he tried to do the honorable thing, which means he’s a guy with a fair degree of character. I’m sure he doesn’t want to seem like a dick at this point, because you’ve just gone through something pretty horrifying, but if it’s over, it’s over.

    Give him a gracefulway to exit. He did the right thing and stood by you during this experience; return the favor. Just say something like, “I appreciate the way you stood by me, you’re a good guy for doing it. I am sensing your heart really isn’t in this. And, if that’s the case, I think we should let it go.”

    Just say it, and let him know he’s free to go if he wants to. If he stays, great. If he goes, wish him well, and move on with your life.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Oh, you crazy kids with all your impulse control issues.

      I agree with Moxie’s take on the OP’s question and I agree with Trouble’s solution. The OP hasn’t given enough information about what they intended to do about the pregnancy but a reasonable possibility that he was bdiing his time like the guy in the other post. We also don’t know the circumstances of the pregnancy – i.e., was it really an accident and, how so? Even minor stressfull situations commonly end relationships and a relationship of a few months has no foundation to sustain it for truly life-changing events. Giving him a graceful way to exit is the best route for two reasons. First, if someine is no longer interested in you, for whatever reason, you should not waste time and effort pining over them. Second, letting him go may have the effect of keeping him around. Like the Chinese Finger Trap – take the pressure off him.

    • elizabeth Says:

      I like this more kind and gentle response. I think that it is possible that the guy is totally in shock and at some future time when the smoke clears…things could reignite. Be gracous about letting him off the hook. Be clear about not wanting to trap him.

      I met a guy who totally traumatized when his girl friend had an abortion and dumped him. So this can work both ways!

      I think when a man starts to look like he wants to disappear…..tell him to go quietly and perhaps watch him change is mind!

      Regardless….No woman should tolerate a man who does not want to be there for her under any circumstance.. Some relationships have an expiration date!

      If a guy seems like he is not on board for a relationship….ask him to leave the room. You will never regret it! Who needs a anyone who is a waste of time?

  4. India Says:

    I am going to be a cynic here.
    1) an accidental pregnancy at age 29? At almost 30 year of age, you should have access to birth control as well as information on it. Just an “oops” seems awfully irresponsible at best or less than believable at worst. A 30 year old woman should know how the body works and actively plan her life around it. I would have sympathy for a 19 year old going through this. No “oops” should happen at your age.
    2) miscarriage at 7 weeks? How would you even know? Most women do not even realize they are pregnant at a good 2 months. A lot of pregnancy kits can even pick up a positive singnal until week 5 or 6.
    3) “gave my self to him” – this language sounds awfully juvenile. You had sex. You did not give anything to him or vice versa. Even this language is guilt-ladden language, rather than taking responsibility for having sex, you gave your “special flower to this men.” please.
    In conclusion, I think the op has more issues here than on the surface.

  5. Trouble Says:

    I’d throw stones, but I was in the OP’s shoes at age 27. I was not careful enough with my birth control pills and I got pregnant. A girl I work with had an unplanned pregnancy at age 29 following a one night stand. Yes, we all should take proper precuations with our bodies, but people make mistakes and it happens. Something like 1.2 million women in the U.S. have abortions annually; over half of them are over age 25, and probably most of those abortions are a result of unplanned pregnancies. In fact, statistically speaking, one out of every 3 women in the U.S. has had an abortion (based upon one source I’ve seen). Preventing pregnancy is easy…if you use birth control perfectly every single time. But, a single mistake can result in a pregnancy.

    Scolding a woman who’s just had a miscarriage isn’t particularly helpful. I’m pretty sure that she realizes at this point that unprotected sex is dumb. In fact, I bet she realizes it deeper level than you do.

    • Trouble Says:

      I should note that my friend who became pregnant from a one night stand…that was her first time ever having sex. We can’t base our opinions about people’s levels of sexual and body compentence on age. Some women are extremely inexperienced even in their late 20s and early 30s.

      For the record, the early tests these days (even the ones sold in the grocery store) can work as early as the first week after fertilization. When I got pregnant at age 27, I knew within 3 weeks (I got what I thought was stomach flu, and the doctor ran a routine pregnancy test). You can get an inaccurate negative at that point, but you don’t get an inaccurate positive.

  6. India Says:

    I am not scolding anyone for a miscarriage. I am making a point with NOT being responsible with your decisions and your body, and the using this as a chip to keep a man around.
    The “boyfriend” tells her he loves her. How do you love someone you just met in June? The whole thing suggest to me that the guy involved is trying to placate her.
    Of course, a urine test gives a negative at three weeks. No urine based test can pick up a signal that early in the game.

    • D'Alias Says:

      Well, India, I disagree that love cannot blossom in a few months. In many cultures right here in the US people marry within a few months of meeting (I’ve seen it with orthodox Jewish and Hindu friends). How do you think you can comment on their declared love for each other? That’s not really hat this post is about and I think it’s just judgmental without being helpful at all. As for the unplanned pregnancy aspect – I also find a few of the comments mean spirited. I mean “if it really was an accident”, “bargaining chip”, setting an age limit for unplanned pregnancies? Come on. People have unprotected sex ALL the time. Last I checked, it takes two to make sure there’s no condom. Women’s bodies change over time & not everyone has a consistent ovulation cycle. It’s really not that complicated. If this guy wasn’t prepared to address an unplanned pregnancy, then he should’ve worn a condom EVERY TIME. It sounds like he rolled the dice and tried to do the right thing when faced with a Surprise.

      As for the OPs original question, I think you should follow te advice to take the pressure off him with allowing him the graceful exit and see what happens. Also, I noticed with a few of my friends who miscarried that they became pregnant soon after and were quite surprised by it. If you don’t want children right now I think you should follow up with your gyn to discuss whether or not you should change or modify your birth control methods after loosing the baby.

      • India Says:

        I am actually from the hindi culture. People do get married quickly but they do not proclaim love at marriage/weddings. Love grews with a partnership that takes many months. Do you really think this guy is in love with her? He is just saying it to placate her. His actions certainly does not say love to me.
        At nearly 30, a woman needs to take responsibility for her decision. Calling an unplanned pregnancy an “oops!!” is just terribly juvenile. Scraping your knee is an oops, not almost bringing a person into the world when you are my readily to.

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Interesting. I just had a long lunch conversation with three young married Indian co-workers. They claimed that virtually all middle-class Indians are (still ) married young with a partner arranged by their parents.

          I intentionally avoided talking to them about dating and all the issues we Westerners deal with in finding a mate on our own. It seemed as if they were blissfully unaware of all this dating sturmundrang that this site is concerned with.

          Lucky bums!

    • elizabeth Says:

      This is no time to be a Mean Girl!!!!! This couple may have been in the hot horny infatuated stage and their may have been a genuine accident with the birth control. To be suddenly pregnant and then miscarry is a very confusing time.

  7. D'Alias Says:

    India you don’t know what is in this man’s heart so we be such a b-word about it? Love has so many meanings to so many different people at different times in their lives. And really, all the couples I know that married quickly proclaimed love for each other. Do they mean the kind of love that comes from time and commitment? Of course not. Who’s saying that what the OPs boyfriend meant by love?

    But that intense stage where the connection is so strong, the future seems so bright, and you feel a longing within your chest for your new partner? Where you can feel your insides ready to jump out of your skin to be with them (not necessarily sexually)? Can that happen in a few months? YES! It can happen in one night, really. Just because you may not have experienced this in your life doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

    The OP is a young lady who wrote in with a specific question. What’s your issue with harping on the manner in which she got pregnant? Nobody is perfect, so unless your the sole exception in the universe, why don’t you just lay off her?

    Conrgatulations to the world that India is above an unplanned pregnancy! Did you hear that world? She uses birth control! EVERY time! And never takes antibiotics while on BC pills, checks her man’s condoms every time they switch positions, never deviates in her ovulation schedule, the condoms she uses are unbreakable cuz she’s so special – its all of the above – or she just doesn’t have sex at all. Ever. Right. Cuz that’s how life works when you get near 30. Please.

  8. Todd Says:

    I don’t believe Jennifer provided enough information to conclude why her boyfriend has become distant. She did not mention his or her behavior during the 7 weeks she was pregnant and especially his overall attitude about becoming a father. For a man to go through the roller coaster ride of potential fatherhood and then having that taken away from him by his partner having a miscarriage that can be very painful.

    The tonality Jennifer gives in her message (whoops) also says alot here about her feelings about becoming a mother. I sense a lack of maturity perhaps, but there is certainly not enough information to predict or assess the motivations of her partner becoming distant.

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