Should He Tell His Girlfriend She’s Gained Weight?

Name: Paul
Age: 36
State: NYC
Question :I admit to being someone who is not attracted to “chunky” women. Since women are sensitive about this, how should a man let his girlfriend know that she’s gained weight? I’ve been with V. for 2 years. When we met she was 31, in great shape, very health conscious, working out multiple times a week. We moved in together at the beginning of this year. In that time she has gone from fastidiously working out to making it to the gym twice a week at best. I’ve met her parents and her Mom is quite overweight and not even 60 yet. Before I take this relationship to the next level I want to be sure that that won’t be her – and my – fate.


Well, first you have to find out why she’s gained weight. Is she suffering from any health or medical problems? That should be your first concern. She could have a thyroid issue or PCOS, two conditions known for causing weight gain. If you haven’t noticed her being sluggish or heard her complaining of any kind of pain or health concerns, then it might not be a medical issue. It’s quite possible that she has a certain health issue that she hasn’t told you about. A change in medications can certainly cause a noticeable weight gain. Though, for the record, I don’t necessarily buy that meds are the only problem in those cases. It’s a nice excuse that many people hide behind. Sometimes it solely due to medications. But not always. usually it’s a combination of the medical issue and horrible dieting choices. Having a medical issue is a great excuse people can use to convince themselves that it’s OK to stuff their face with a bag of candy.

Next item to cross off the list is psychological issues. Is she depressed? Has she been stressed?If her demeanor is the same, then there probably aren’t any issues there.

Which leaves the tried and true “I gots my man, I don’t have to try anymore” excuse. She has you now, so maybe she doesn’t feel she has to try anymore. Adorable. Stupid and naive, but adorable.

Letting yourself go is one surefire way to lose your partner. Single men and women have the same concern. It shocks me to see some people my age and how unhealthy they look. Not just unhealthy but unkempt. I was at a party last month with a friend and we were shocked to see women my age and older walking in to the party wearing knee length denim skirts and tank tops and flimsy flip flops. Their saggy boobs jiggled underneath their tops, their hair was unstyled. Then there were the men in their forties who walked around in tight jeans and sleeveless shirts, their thinning hair combed over to one side. What really shocked me was seeing the skin on all these people. Folks, if there is one thing you should pay most attention to after your weight it’s your complexion/skin. It speaks volumes about your lifestyle choices. If you drink a lot, it shows. If you eat poorly, it shows. If you don’t sleep much, it shows.

Guys, if you’re one of those men who likes to crack on chubby or overweight women, especially on the internet, you better pray that you look good enough to do so. Same goes for the women who bitch about men with beer bellies.  Unless you’re hitting the gym regularly and eating well and taking good care of your skin and bones, you need to keep your yaps shut. Also, ladies, stop deluding yourself that you don’t have wrinkles and look ten years younger. Also please cease with the, “I get hit on by younger guys ALL. THE. TIME!” All that means is that they think you’re old and easy. Stop embarrassing yourselves with that. Nothing is more unattractive to me than when a man says, “I’m 45 but look and act/feel younger!” Hate to break it to you, Benjamin Buttons, but we all age. Yes, you have wrinkles. Start embracing your age instead of being ashamed of it.

Time to step it up, ladies and gentleman. Forget about attraction. Your life depends on it. Your body doesn’t stay healthy on its own.

The reality is that we – men and women – need to do whatever we can not to give people reason to pass us over. Overweight and not having success? Lose it. Drink too much? Cut back. Work too much? Fix that.  Don’t be insecure and annoying. Don’t be unpleasant. Don’t put a unsightly tattoo on your face. Don’t add. Subtract.

Okay. Back to the OP. Paul, if your girlfriend’s weight is an issue, one that could prevent you from being attractive to her, you need to address that with her. And, no, not with hints. Hints don’t work. But like I said above, you better be bringing the same amount of concern and dedication to the table if you want that talk to go well. You don’t need to tell your GF that you’re afraid you’ll no longer be attracted to her. You should frame it as though you are concerned for her health. Which you are. I assure you she will go to the ‘you still think I’m pretty, right?” place first, giving you an opportunity to say that you feel she could and has looked better.If that doesn’t light a fire under her butt, nothing will.

You don’t have to feel bad about this, either. Nobody should ever assume that it’s okay to let themselves go at the expense of their partner’s needs. Keeping yourself looking good, besides just being good for your emotional and physical health,  is how men and women demonstrate to their partners that they care and show self-esteem.

Now, if she does nothing to change? Well, my advice is to leave. If she’s not going to at least try to get back in shape, she’s telling you that your needs don’t matter. She’ll give you the excuse that your supposed to love her for who she is, blahblahblah. That’s another sweetened up lie that Mommy’s tell their daughters. No. Men and women want to be with people they want to have sex with. She’s not 60 years old. She’s, what, 33? Please. Barring medical/psychological issues, she should be able to take off 15-20 pounds in just a few months. Whether or not she can depends on how badly she wants to keep the relationship.

Listen, nobody said relationships were easy or held guarantees.





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40 Responses to “Should He Tell His Girlfriend She’s Gained Weight?”

  1. loveliee Says:

    If I gained weight and my boyfriend didn’t tell me how he really felt about it, I’d be pretty upset…Mostly at myself for even letting myself get that bad, and my boyfriend (maybe 10%) for not telling me how he really feels about it, and not telling me that I was turning into the cookie monster sooner rather than later. You know her better than any of us here, so how you tell her is up to you. If her weight gain can seriously take a toll on your relationship and she’s oblivious to it or in denial about it, it’s up to you to let her know.

    • K Says:

      Yup, agree… She may think if you haven’t said anything then you don’t really notice and are fine with it. Better to bring it up now than bite your tongue and then have her feel awful at some point in the future that you weren’t attracted to her and didn’t say anything.

      • Howard Says:

        it’s interesting to see the health condition reason causing weight gain come up first in Moxie’s response. The real truth is that is the cause of less than 10% of weight gain situations. Most of the time it’s a behavioral issue. To make progress on this issue, requires a different way of thinking about food, activity, and one’s mortality. There are those of us that would love to educate everyone around us about what is possible, but we are drowned out by all the mass advertising and ready availability of the poisons.

        Paul, I am going to say this to you, regarding telling her about the weight. There is no easy way to communicate this verbally. We imagine words to be wonderful and powerful, but on this issue, words are sometimes the worst way to communicate. You are going to have to use action. You are going to have to set an example. The next date, get two bicycles and go for a pleasurable ride where you enjoy the sights and more importantly get active, Instead of telling her, take her to situations where she does stuff.

        On the diet side, let me tell you what works. Don’t get into telling people what not to eat. When you do that, the results are very limited. You are creating a craving when you tell someone they can no longer have ice-cream or some nice tasting food. You want to get her into eating more foods that are not calorie-dense. Examples are raw cucumbers, cauliflower and broccoli. The trick here is that once she does that, there is less room left for the foods that are calorie-dense, like pancakes and syrup, or bacon or fried chicken, or cookies. To give an example, my ex-wife has this crazy eat three cucumbers a day habit. She does not work out. She is 5 ft 7 inches and maybe 130 lbs max and she is 50 years old. My older daughter decided to try it in small doses, one to two cucumbers a day, and she lost 10 lbs over the summer doing that, without adding any exercise. Simply focus on eating more healthy foods that have a lot of size but not a lot of calories.

        The next trick is to get to bed earlier. Staying up late is one of the bigger causes of the obesity problem out there.

  2. K Says:

    Hmm, early 30s. You don’t mention what her weight was previously or how much she’s gained, so this may not apply to her, but it’s one theory…

    I started to put on a little weight around age 32. For me, I guess that’s when my metabolism slowed down or whatever, so I couldn’t eat as much as I had been eating, and needed to exercise more. Around that time I also got pretty depressed about something that was going on in my relationship. I wasn’t on meds, but the depression probably didn’t help with my eating and exercising. I went from probably 110 to 120 lbs – not a huge weight gain, but I’m not too tall, so it showed in my belly and thighs and I think I went up a size. I think it’s pretty common to have to make some adjustments to diet and exercise in our early 30s to accommodate for changes in metabolism.

    Could be some of this, in combination with either the “I gots my man, now I can relax” mentality OR just lifestyle changes that come from moving in together – cooking and eating meals together rather than eating like, a Lean Cuisine alone after work, doing stuff like watching movies with you instead of going to the gym. Either way, I bet she is aware and concerned that she doesn’t look like she used to. If a woman was thin / great shape and gains some weight, she knows it, and likely feels crappy about it. But it’s tough to do anything about it without a kick in the ass.

    For me it took a couple years to wake up and realize I didn’t like how I looked and needed to put a stop to weight gain, so I asked my boyfriend to give me a training program (he had gotten certified as a personal trainer on the side). With some strict discipline, I lost the 10 lbs in about 4 months (didn’t want to cut calories too drastically) and have kept it off – had to make permanent lifestyle changes, and truly I can’t eat much at all if I want to maintain this weight (1600-1700 calories a day), even with a fair amount of exercise.

    Has your girlfriend said anything about her weight to you? Any comments about fitting into her clothes or not liking how she looks / feels? If so, it would be easy to segue into a “let’s eat better / exercise together” type of convo. If not, I think it’s ok to bring it up like Moxie suggested, and talk about what you can do to support her in losing weight. Can you guys start running together, or go to the gym together, and are there changes you can make together to your eating habits? You don’t say whether you might want / need to lose a few pounds too, but it couldn’t hurt to get more active and cook healthier meals.

    When I started online dating this year, I started to put a couple pounds back on because of the drinks and dinners out, and then when I started dating my new boyfriend, we ate out a lot… After a few weeks I said I needed to stop drinking during the week and exercise more, so we figured out exercise we can do together. We joined a running club, which is just an easy 5K “fun run” once a week, but we also run on a track one or two other days, and he is teaching me how to row as well. I really appreciate his support in helping me maintain my weight! I really think it’s ok to talk about this with her. There’s nothing wrong with you for being attracted to thin women, and she was thin when you met her, and additionally there are health concerns if her mom is very overweight. Good luck.

    • Selena Says:

      Like K, I was thinking the weight gain might be related to moving in together. It’s not uncommon for both men and women to gain weight when they move in together because they might eat larger meals one or the other cooks at home, opposed to keeping minimal food in the fridge and living off that when they were single. Also snacking – is she/the two of you keeping more junk food in the house now that you’re co-habitating? Mindlessly munching while you’re watching movies and tv together at night? She may have adapted her shopping habits to having foods you like on hand that she didn’t routinely buy when she lived by herself – and if it’s there, it’s convenient to eat.

      I do think you should say something because weight is so easy to put on and takes so long to come off. Both Moxie and K offered some great suggestions on how to have that conversation without coming across in a negative way.

  3. offensivedan Says:

    If she is getting fat, she knows. It means she is comfortable with it and having you around. In other words, she doesn’t give a shit. It doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, it is up to her to change this. I can tell you, it won’t happen while you are around. It’s time for you to break up and leave. She’ll learn this lesson and not repeat it with her next b/f.

    If you don’t choose this route, you are gonna be in for some drama and resentment. Why? You will have to tell her straight up that she is becoming a fat cow. In my experience, the only thing that will compell a women to lose weight is embarrassing her by pointing out she is fat. However, they will be resentful and play that card later on.

    My advice-break up. if you can get a fit, hot chick, like this one use to be, you can do it again.

  4. offensivedan Says:

    And before some of you feminists ask about me–I work out three days a week, don’t drink or smoke. I don’t have a weight issue at all. If I’m busting my ass working late hours and still have time to work out then I have no sympathy or empathy for fat women.

    • Chris Says:

      Dan I think you should start drinking and smoking…It might help you unwind ;)

    • Mary Says:

      Really Dan. You’re comments make you sound like the most miserable person ever. It’s like you’re just on here to play devil’s advocate.

    • Eliza Says:

      Dan–I believe most of the ladies would suggest the following:

      Do drink AND drive! into a tree! Lol.
      You have sensitivity of Hitler.

    • Howard Says:

      Dan, you are entitled to that mindset, in spite of what all the really upset women on this board may say.
      Now your way of putting it may leave a lot to be desired. But you are still on higher ground than the person telling you to drive into a tree. Lol coming after that is not funny in any way. Judging you to be miserable because of that opinion is still what it is, a judgement. Anyone making judgements as to the very nature or personality or character of anyone on these blogs, is just signalling that he or she is judgemental. I absolutely strive to never make any judgements about someone’s personality on these boards. I have had people call me all sorts of things on many boards, including moderators, I guess I was supposed to, in kind, respond with a similar ad hominem attack. I have no intentions to go that low place these people wallow in.

      I can’t begin to tell you of the number of women who have told me, “I like what I like and I am entitled to that”. And guess what? They are indeed entitled to that, just like you, without me making them out to be villains.

      • India Says:

        You do realizing pissing off women such they that call him an a** is offensive dan’s primary goal, right?
        If the women pressed the “ignore” button on the troll,,” Dan would be sourly disappointed.

      • LostSailor Says:

        “I like what I like and I am entitled to that”. And guess what? They are indeed entitled to that

        Well, not really.

        They may like what they like, but they’re not entitled to it. They may be entitled to try to get it, even to their detriment, but they have no title claim on their desires…

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          You are indeed entitled to like (or dislike) whatever you want. Of course, that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get (or not get) whatever you want. Sadly, some people aren’t able to separate the two concepts.

  5. Chris Says:

    The same thing happened to me when I moved in with my boyfriend, Jay. The reason being was my eating habits changed dramically to accomodate him. I was use to eating smaller meals and I usually had dinner at 5:30 (if I wasn’t going out) but that all changed when we moved in together. J eats at 7:00 and he likes bigger meals. He also is a snacker which in turn I started sharing with him. J has no problem with his weight because his job burns it off but I sit at a desk all day and my usual exercise routine wasn’t cutting it anymore. Instead of being on two different meal schedules I just cut my portions in half, stopped the snacking and go for longer night walks with the dog. In my case problem solved.

    I would ask her what her daily eating habits were before you moved in together…..did she eat earlier? what did she cook for herself? was she a snacker or was junk food not part of her grocery list?….you might be surprised by the answers and it will help you and her adjust some of the eating habits that you both bring to the table. I also suggest long walks after dinner to help any late night snacking that might be taking place.

    • Eliza Says:

      The same thing occurred to me…when my boyfriend, who was a personal trainer – moved in with me.–the man could eat–and late too…like 9pm/10pm at night. Pasta. Which is too heavy. Luckily–I work out – and continued working out 7 days a week, cycling, running and weight training – and didnt put on that much weight–but when we broke up–I did lose about 10 lbs…and inches – especially in the midsection–everyone noticed. I am much thinner now…lost a little more weight, and happy–since I lost about (185 lbs – him! LOL)….it met someone sweeter….and he is thin as well, but with a nicer disposition. he loves to eat–but isn’t gluttonous about it.

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      was she a snacker or was junk food not part of her grocery list?
      What kinds of snacks also makes a big difference. Swap the junk food for fresh fruits and veggies, and swap the sodas for water and juice, and the pounds will drop off without any real change in behavior–and you’ll save money, too. Empty calories are surprisingly expensive.

  6. John Says:

    Work out together. If you cant get to a gym, then go to a park or backyard or wherever and do walking lunges together. Do pushups together. Carry around heavy things and just walk. All of those things will raise your heart rate and add some serious muscle tone. The key is doing it together. You will be surprised how funny it is to learn to keep your balance when doing walking lunges. You can laugh at each other and at the same time do your body some serious good. If you make it a regular activity, then the results will be great and the bonding of doing it together will do wonders too. If she lost her desire to be a gym rat, then these are excellent alternatives you can do in private.

  7. India Says:

    I am going to make an unusual recommendation (coming from a female). I think you should break up with her. If weight is important to you and she is prone to weight gain, this is going to happen again. She will lose a few Pounds and gain them back in a year. Do you want to spend the rest of your life lecturing her about her weight? It would be miserable for her too, having someone watch her every bite for the rest of her life.
    This is not a gender thing. If a female friend comes to me complaining her chubby boyfriend, I would say the same thing, Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who constantly gains too much to be unattractive to you?

    • India Says:

      Ps: my point is ACCEPT or REJECT. Tolerating or hoping for change do not work in the long term. How many people actually lose weight and keep the pounds off?

      • Angel Says:

        True… One thing to consider is, is she naturally a bigger girl, but was able at that one point in her life to get thin and fit? Or is she someone who was always thin but gained some weight upon moving in with her bf? I think that makes a difference, but the letter doesn’t give much detail.

  8. LostSailor Says:

    Paul, my take is it’s the “I don’t need to work as hard now that we’re living together.” Since you’ve moved in together, it’s going to be more difficult to walk away, so I echo Moxie’s advice and say have a talk with her. But be prepared for tears and histrionics. In my opinion, the best approach is to start by putting this in terms of concern for her health and being supportive of helping her get back to a workout schedule.

    If you don’t know how to cook, learn, and offer to take over some of the meal prep with the aim of cutting carbs and keeping portions small. Offer to make her a lunch to take to work (buying lunch out everyday is a sure way to ramp up the calories). As John says, plan fun workouts together. All of this has to become part of your regular lifestyle together or, as India says, the weight will sneak back in. It is a lifetime thing, and generally will be better for the both of you.

    If she balks completely and won’t make an effort, then, yes, you should be prepared to walk no matter how difficult it might be.

    I speak from a bit of experience. After moving in with and then marrying my ex, we both put on a lot of weight over the years. I periodically made attempts to get us both working out, and since I did most of the cooking, I could control at least part of the calorie intake, but she wasn’t really interested.

    When I finally decided, at about 225 lbs., to get serious about losing the weight, it took a lot of effort. I essentially cut my portions in half, used smaller plates, made lunch every day, went pretty low-carb, and hit the gym as often as I could. It took 18 months to 2 years, but I lost and have kept off over 45 lbs. I’m still working on that last 5-10 lbs. I completely changed the way I approached food and try to keep my daily intake under 2,000 calories, preferably around 1,500 to 1,800 calories.

    She may or may not become like her mother, but the truth is, if you don’t address it now, it will only get worse. Steel your spine and have the talk.

    • Ally Says:

      putting it in terms of her health is just lying. be honest about why your speaking up, and mention the concerns about her mother’s body shape. that gives her honest ground upon which to make her decisions as you have to make yours.

      I also agree with India as weight loss has 95% recidivism, so this will always be an issue for you with her. it would save both of you time if you recognize you are inflexible on this issue and tell her this, and leave now.

      • K Says:

        I think there’s truth to this, but someone who’s always been thin and recently put on a few pounds could easily correct that and get back on track, while someone who’s natural body type is bigger / thicker / curvier is probably going to have a much harder time losing and maintaining. If you’re 33 and were skinny in HS and throughout your 20s, but then gain a few pounds, you should be able to fix that. But I have a friend whose “baseline” weight that her body seems to want to be is, say, 160. At one point when she was single she put a lot of focus into working out and dieting, and was also smoking regularly, and managed to lose maybe 25 or 30 lbs… she looked great and quite thin. That’s when she met her boyfriend. Then he moved in, she stopped smoking, etc. etc., and she gained all the weight back. As hard as she seems to be trying, she’s realistically never going to get back down to that weight. So if that’s the case with this guy’s girlfriend, and he’s not ok with it, then yeah.

      • LostSailor Says:

        putting it in terms of her health is just lying.

        Perhaps, but since the point is to get her to really hear what he’s saying, framing it in a less confrontational way is more likely to meet with success. Approaching the issue as “you’ve gotten fat and less attractive” needlessly puts her on the defensive. As for it being a health issue, putting on even modest extra weight easily leads to having less energy, possibly starting a downward spiral. Better to nip it in the bud and forestall potential health problems in the future.

        But I think the subtext of your comment is that he should be “honest” so she’ll see him as “inflexible” and end the relationship. But it’s not about being “inflexible,” it’s about knowing what you want and what you find attractive. Weight gain after starting an LTR is generally unattractive for both men and woman, but especially for men, even if they won’t face it. Most of the time, if they love their partner, men won’t say anything, but if it continues, it will most likely lead to lower libido, less frequent sex, less satisfaction with the relationship in general. Relationships and marriages die all the time for these reasons.

        At least Paul is looking to be proactive about it. Framing the issue in a less confrontational way is more likely to get the desired results, which ultimately is a stronger, more satisfying relationship for both of them.

      • Eliza Says:

        I understand Paul’s concern…but I don’t believe, the manner in which someone’s mother looks has a bearing on how the daughter will eventually look. I think it’s unfair to assess someone based on that measure. It boils down to how well you take care of yourself. Your diet, sleeping patterns, stress also plays a huge role in one’s metabolism…and last, but not least – exercise. At the age of 30, you need the ramp up your workouts–and by your 40’s – 6-7 times a week at the gym. I know–it sounds crazy–but if you want to stay fit, it’s a must. I see so many guys with huge bellies…and they are in their 30’s! How is that?

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          I don’t believe, the manner in which someone’s mother looks has a bearing on how the daughter will eventually look.
          Then you’d be in denial. A person’s weight has a strong genetic component, but it also has a strong behavioral component–learned from their parents. If her mother passed her bad genes and bad eating habits, then it’s highly likely that she’ll end up fat too. There’s nothing that can be done about the former, but the latter can be addressed–and the sooner, the better.

  9. D'Alias Says:

    I think you need to say something. Also, I agree with India that you should Accept or Reject now. Weight gain and obesity are complicated in that once a person puts on weight, even if they loose it, they will always be prone to regain. It’s important to know what you/she is dealing with – is she a person who was heavy that got skinny and regained (even as a child), or is she a person who was thin and got fat?
    And does SHE care about her weight? And, be realistic about how her watching her weight will affect your life. You can’t keep snacks, butter, bread, and pasta in the house and think she can loose weight by eating salad while you feast – its a recipe for disaster.

    Loosing weight is very hard. If somebody doesn’t really want to do it they will fail. If somebody DOES want to do it, thy still might fail – It’s harder for some than it is for others for lots of different reasons. I’ve been heavy all my life – fluctuating between size 14 and 20. For most of my adult life, I’ve been fairly close to my jr yr of high school weight. It takes a lot of effort to maintain even this accomplishment (I am hypothyroid and have PCOS so that doesn’t help). But, I’ve watched most of my friends from HS recklessly pack on 30, 40, 50 or more lbs – WITHOUT birthing children! They drink juice, eat pizza and rolls, brownies, and dinners out. And these women think cardio – a walk or jog once a week or so – is sufficent to burn it off. I think it’s gross. Yes, these girls are mostly still thinner than me – but their lack of care that they’ve gained and minimal efforts to loose are disturbing for me to watch because I know what it takes. It’s about much more than just avoiding sweets. I wouldn’t be able to go out with them if they were men. So, what I am saying is that I think for you to realistically be happy with this woman, you need to know her thoughts an perceptions about weight and body image, you need to examine your personal beliefs and see how they math up with scientific facts about weight gain and obesity, and you need to really analyze if you can be comfortable with her at this size. My hunch is that you might be, as long as you see she is making an effort to change instead of letting herself go and pretending she’s powerless to fight it. You should just understand that weight is often a loosing battle. You’ve got to be prepared to face that reality and be reistic about what you can live with. Good luck.

  10. Christina Says:

    I don’t know a single woman in this country- myself included- who doesn’t know when she’s gaining weight. Sure, you might put on a few pounds before noticing, but it won’t be long before your clothes don’t fit right. That being said, she could be in denial for a number of reasons. Framing it in terms of her health is probably the most effective and humane. I also agree with the posters who think you should break up if you think this is something you can’t tolerate.

    Personally, breaking up with someone great because they’ve put on a few lbs (< 20 in my completely arbitrary rulebook) is stupid and superficial, but if you're going to be unhappy with someone who's always overweight, best to leave now and hope you can find someone who will always stay fit- maybe a serious athlete? And naturally, you need to be prepared to put out significant effort yourself to stay in shape.

    If this is the first time she's ever been overweight, and she normally has a healthy lifestyle, she's probably a better bet for you than someone who is normally overweight and is just in a "thin period."

  11. Paul Murray Says:

    Even if it is a medical problem, or a psyhchological problem – does it matter? And in any case, it almost certainly isn’t. She is just showing you what she thinks of you.

    Depending on the laws where you are, you need to get out from under the same roof as this person before the magic one-year mark.

  12. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Personally, I would not tell someone that I loved and/or cared about that they need to lose weight. Couching it as a “health” issue, to me, is transparent bullshit unless she is morbidly obese. Which it doesn’t sound like.

    The fact is that physical change and deterioration is a part of aging. You can do things to slow it down maybe but you can’t stop it. So, if you have some unique disability where you lose physical attraction to a person who gains weight, I suggest in all seriousness that a long-term, monogamous relationship – with anyone- is simply not a good lifestyle choice for you. And, that’s okay. Not everyone is equipped for true love.

    In short, if you’re allergic to coconuts, don’t live on a tropical island.

    • John Says:

      “The fact is that physical change and deterioration is a part of aging. You can do things to slow it down maybe but you can’t stop it.”

      This is true but I think the issue here is that the OPs woman seems to have stopped even trying. SHe has cut her gym workouts in half if not more. So yeah deterioration of the body may be inevitable, but it would bother me if the person didnt at least put up a fight to ward it off. She seems to have given up that fight.

  13. Trouble Says:

    One thing I’ll say is that people change over time, as DMN has noted. I would focus on being healthy and physically active, and try to spend time with your girlfriend doing those sorts of things. If you bring up her weight, there are other possible ramifications to that. She may become self-conscious about her body, stop wanting to be naked in front of you, and that has the potential to utterly kill your sex life as a couple.

    I have hypothyroidism, and a few times in the last 10 years since I was diagnosed, my weight has fluctuated as much as 20 pounds in 2 months, without any change in eating or exercise habits. I know when this is occurring, and wil try to step up my efforts, but it can take as long as 8-9 months for my doctor to decide to adjust my meds (my meds have been increased about every 3 years or so since I was diagnosed because my thyroid continues to become less effective at producing necessary hormones). When my meds are bumped up, I will drop 10-15 pounds effortlessly; if they stop being effective, which they have done several times, I can gain 10-15 pounds just as effortlessly. I’ve never become obese, because I do pay attention to my weight and try to keep it within certain boundaries, in spite of my medical issue, but I am grateful that even when I was looking a little pudgy last year, my husband continued to tell me that I was sexy, continued to treat me the same way he always had, and never said a word about my weight.

    Similarly, he’s put on around 30-40 pounds since I met him in 2007. He has weight and fitness goals because he’s a Navy reservist. He knows what he has to do to qualify and meet those goals, and I don’t get in the middle of that. That is his responsibility to manage, but I love him just as much, no matter what he weighs. He does have a little bit of a gut, but truthfully, when I look at him, I still feel like I’m a high school girl crushing on a totally hot guy. I think he is the hottest man on earth, no matter what he weighs.

    I do have to say that DMN nailed it, from my perspective. In a longterm relationship, either party can change physically over the course of that relationship, for a variety of reasons. The one thing you are guaranteed not to have is stasis. If you’re going to be in a longterm relationship, either come to grips with the possibility of those physical changes, or just stick to short-term dating.

  14. Eliza Says:

    I have a solution – aside from hitting the gym together, taking a dance class perhaps? Go to the track? Plan a vacation somewhere tropical – motivating her to workout to get into a bikini? What about more sex? lol…seriously, certain positions burn many calories. Unless, it has become uncomfortable for you to either want sex – due to the weight gain? I agree with others–if she has gained at least 5 lbs or more…which is usually when it’s obvious to others, then she most definitely knows. And it’s more noticeable on women who are petite. Not sure why? But I am the opposite–when I get involved with a man–I get MORE motivated to hit the gym, go running, amp up how I look, take extra care of my skin, etc….I want to please the guy I am with (visually)…and it’s a great boost too. Afterall, you are getting naked with someone…you want to attract, not repel. Right?

  15. Amy Says:

    I agree with those who said that the GF already KNOWS she gained weight. We can tell by our clothes with as little as a 5 lb spike. I disagree with everyone who says he should tell her. I would be devastated and not sure if I could recover. When I was in my mid 30’s and with my first husband, he had some ED issues (nobody called it ED back then and there was a huge stigma about it) – he said that if I was in better shape and hotter, it wouldn’t be a problem. (I was size 10 -back when size 10’s were smaller) and totally h/wt proportional. It set me on a shame spiral that lasted YEARS. My very good friend and co-worker had a big thing about weight – he was very vocal to his wife about hers (she is tiny and petite but probably a little soft around the middle as she aged a bit). She had an affair with his best friend, and, when discovered, it all came out in therapy how his remarks and pressure affected her, leaving her vulnerable to someone who found her attractive.

    The ONLY way I can think of for him to mention it without it being a disaster is this – think of an outfit or dress or something she used to wear, that now prob doesn’t fit -and maybe say on some going-out occasion, “remember that red dress you wore to such-and-such – I loved how you looked in that” and then MAYBE she would say yeah, it is a little tight now, and then MAYBE he could say Hey I’ve been thinking about working out more too – maybe we could do (whatever activity) together.”
    And to be honest, that’s a lot of maybes.
    OR if HE has gained any weight, he can talk about that (about HIMSELF- not her) and maybe express some fitness goals for HIMSELF and maybe she would jump on board and express some concerns of her own, wherein HE could support HER. But again, not sure if that would happen. I think this is SUPER DELICATE territory.

    Whatever a woman looks like (while young), if you marry her, and have kids, she is going to gain a lot of weight, and not lose it right away. It may take a year or two. Can you live with that? or if several pregnancies close together, the gaining/losing/gaining again cycle of pregnancy and childbirth can affect a woman’s body for close to a decade.

    If he can’t live with it, he has to get out. Or if he talks to her, SHE may want out. Just remember, words once spoken can never be unspoken. So be careful.

  16. Crotch Rocket Says:

    Telling her she’s getting fat is a good way to kill your sex life, so the topic needs to be approached with extreme caution. I disagree with couching it as a “health” concern, which any woman smart enough to tie her own shoelaces will see through in an instant–and you’ll get doubly punished for lying to her.

    Instead, focus on how great she looks now (as evidenced by your desire to still have sex with her) but that if she has gained 10lbs in the last 2 years, that means she’s on track to gain 100lbs over the next 20 years–as her mother probably did–and that you will find unattractive. IOW, don’t make her ashamed of where she is today; give her a healthy fear of where she might end up in the future if she doesn’t start making some simple changes now.

    • LostSailor Says:

      Instead, focus on how great she looks now

      Paul doesn’t say directly, but the subtext is that she isn’t looking as great as she did 2 years ago. If he’s reluctant to “take the relationship to the next level” because of this issue, the only real options are to a) not have the conversation and wait for the relationship to slowly die, b) have the conversation, however difficult and risk the relationship blowing up, or c) just end it now.

      Given the options, having the conversation is the way to go, as long as he’s prepared to deal decisively with the outcome.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        the subtext is that she isn’t looking as great as she did 2 years ago.
        Duh? Still, writing in shows that he’s still interested enough in her to want to resolve the issue rather than just walk away, which is what the vast majority of guys would be doing (without needing advice on the topic) if they weren’t still at least somewhat attracted to her; it’s not like they’re married or have kids, after all. If it works, she’ll work at looking better in the short term, not just the long term. If not, he can walk away with a clear conscience, knowing he gave it his best shot.

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